21 female, I discovered in recent years that whenever my father yells at me, I cry. Why?

You, the questioner.

Your father is usually kind to you, but you feel he gets angry too easily and is particularly irritable. You are 21 years old, and you have discovered that you become scared whenever your father gets angry. Even if it is just a small matter, you start to cry because you are afraid he will hit you.

You're confused by your recent feelings of fear and tears when facing your strict father.

When you were younger, your father was very loving and you felt safe with him. But then you noticed he would get angry and yell at you. You were surprised because he was usually gentle with you. You felt hurt and angry. You had done things before that made him angry, but this was different. It was hard for you to understand why he was rejecting you. You cried because you were confused and hurt.

Maybe he was under a lot of work pressure or had hidden his emotions. Maybe you've grown up, and he thinks you can't do the same things you did as a child. He thinks a different approach to education will help you grow and prepare you for the future.

Best wishes!

Hello! I'll give you a hug.

Your question is simple. From your feedback, I see that you say your father usually spoils you. This may make people feel aggrieved and afraid.

You are 21 and probably still in college or just started working. This is an important time for you and your parents.

It means entering society, earning a living, becoming independent, planning your life, and starting to develop relationships.

As their children grow up, families change from nuclear to empty-nest. Parents face the departure of their children, the death of relatives, and their own aging.

This stage is a time of change and it's normal to feel a range of emotions.

Your question is short. I don't know if anything has changed in your family or if people's expectations of each other have changed.

Parents may have opinions about their children's education and work. Children may not always listen.

The child may feel they should listen, which causes conflict.

People deal with conflicts in different ways. They can confront them or avoid them.

If your father is strict, you might be afraid of him to avoid conflict and seem less disobedient.

It's hard to know what's going on without more info. Think about it: what's the benefit of being afraid of your dad, or even crying? This will help you find the reason.

Once you know the cause, you can solve the problem.

Talk to a counselor.

I'm a Buddhist and a positive counselor. I love the world.

Hello! I really hope my answer can be of some help to you.

Has your father recently started to be more strict? Has he been particularly grumpy in recent years?

When you were a child, did he also yell at you and hit you? We can definitely look at the situation separately, even though you haven't given us much information!

Based on the information you have provided, there are two possible scenarios:

Your father has always been strict, and you have been afraid of him since you were a child. You often start to cry when he is strict with you and hits you. You were like this as a child, and you still don't know how to deal with it or adjust to it—but you will!

Your father was not fierce before, but he is now! It is precisely because of his change that you cannot accept it, so now that he is fierce with you, you are afraid and start to cry, afraid that he will hit you.

So, if it is the first situation, we have the exciting opportunity to try to see the reason behind Dad's behavior, to understand why he is angry, what the meaning behind the anger is, and what adjustments we can make to better cope with Dad's anger and harshness towards us in the future.

I've got some great advice for you!

Embrace your father for who he is! Change is hard, but you can do it!

Your father may have a choleric personality, which means he's passionate and prone to anger and irritability. But here's the good news: his temper may come and go quickly!

People with this temperament type are passionate and intense. They may become enraged at the slightest thing and start shouting, which can feel overwhelming. We may perceive their actions as aggressive, but they may simply feel that they have a loud voice. We may be in tears from their "attack," and they may think that you are being so weak.

In their world, when they have emotions, they have to let them out loudly. When they are in the middle of an emotion, they can be very agitated, but when they are not in the middle of an emotion, you will feel that they are particularly good. You sometimes even wonder if it is the same person—and it is incredible how they can switch from one extreme to the other!

But they are just the way they are! It's an innate temperament, a part of them that is hard to change.

You'll also find that your father may not just be strict with you, but also "harsh" with other people. This is his pattern of behavior and his character, and it's something to celebrate! Just like the Monkey King in Journey to the West, no matter how he changes, he will remain the Monkey King and will not become as calm as Sha Wujing.

So, try to accept that Dad is just such a strict person, that he will lose his temper over minor things. When you can let go of your ideal expectations of him and accept him for who he is, the next time he displays similar behavior, you will be a lot more peaceful, because you know that this is just the way he is and you have accepted it, so you won't resist anymore. It's a great feeling!

2. Look for the hidden care and love behind Dad's "anger."

You can observe why Dad gets angry every time. And it's so interesting to see why! Is it because he is worried about your safety? Is he worried that you cannot take care of yourself? Is he afraid that you are in danger?

Absolutely! The core reason is always out of love and concern for you.

My mother is also very fierce, and it's one of the things I love most about her! When I don't take care of myself, she'll sometimes scold me with disgust. At first, I thought she didn't like me and resented me. But I soon realized that her disgust and anger were actually just a sign of her care and love for me. She's so worried that I won't take care of myself because she loves and cares for me so much! She doesn't know how to express her care and love for me, so she expresses it in a way that makes both of us uncomfortable. But that's okay! She doesn't know that there are better options.

Later, I made some changes and started communicating my needs and requests to my mother in a more positive way. This had a big impact on her too! She was still sometimes a bit harsh, but she was also trying to communicate with me in a gentler way.

3. You can use non-violent communication to communicate with your father and express your feelings and requests. It's a great way to get your needs met!

I've tried this method myself and I can tell you it works! So, why not give it a go? When your father yells at you and you just cry and hide your fear, you're not going to solve the problem.

It's so important to communicate effectively and establish a deeper connection because you don't know why your father is so aggressive, and he probably doesn't know why you are so scared.

When the atmosphere is good, it's the perfect time to express your feelings and needs! For example, one day when you're all having dinner together, you can say to your father, "Dad, that day you said something harsh to me because of... I felt sad, aggrieved and scared. I need your affirmation and encouragement, not blame and dislike. If you can say this to me: ... I will be greatly encouraged and can happily do that thing well next time. In the future, can you remind me more with encouragement?"

You can also listen to your father's true feelings and needs. Perhaps you will discover that he really doesn't mean to be aggressive, but when that time comes, he can't control himself. He is not really being unloving towards you when he is aggressive, but it comes from his love and concern for you. Communicate more like this, and you'll see your relationship develop in amazing ways! You'll understand and appreciate each other more than ever before.

If it's the second situation and there's been nothing significant in the family for a few years, it's possible that your father has reached menopause! According to your estimate of his age, it's likely that he has. Men also have menopause, and it can cause some grumpiness. If this is the case, you can go to the hospital for the appropriate menopause intervention.

I really hope this helps! Wishing you the best!