A 13-year-old boy has a particularly bad relationship with his father and feels very anxious. What should be done?

Indeed, the author has already provided a clear description of the child's issue in the initial query.

A 13-year-old child is capable of discerning the dynamics of the family. He perceives his father's treatment of him and his mother as unfair. When he matures, he may choose to distance himself from his father. He is currently unable to do so, but he is also resisting his father's influence through his actions, seeking to safeguard himself and his mother.

The issue does not lie with the child.

It is therefore unlikely that the original poster's efforts to persuade both parties and say positive things to both of them in order to improve the father-son relationship will be effective. The underlying cause must be identified and addressed in the husband-wife relationship.

It is often observed that children reflect the attitudes and behaviors of their parents. These traits are often learned unconsciously through daily interactions. This influence is subtle and deeply rooted.

If the father treats the mother poorly, even with domestic violence and indifference, even if he tells the child that he loves the family, the child is unlikely to believe him, particularly given the child's age and maturity level.

It would be advisable for the questioner to address the marital relationship issue first. It is not possible to conceal many problems from children, and doing so can cause them further distress.

Hello!

Yesterday, we talked about the second step of the "What to do" three-step process: parents help their children to be themselves by guiding them to understand their emotions and needs. We also discussed the child's core need not to obey his father, which means that the child needs to be given autonomy.

Today, we'll talk about the third step: a solution agreed upon by both parties.

This is another answer to yesterday's question.

[3] The father and child both work.

Yesterday's and the day before yesterday's discussions assumed that the father and child have opposing needs. The father wants the child to obey him, while the child wants the father to leave him alone. Before finding a solution, we must understand two things. First, we must understand a 13-year-old's physical and psychological development needs. Second, we must understand what it means to reach an agreement.

A 13-year-old is in the midst of puberty. Psychologists call this stage the second rebellious stage (the first is when children are 3 to 4 years old). What we usually refer to as "childhood rebelliousness" refers to this stage.

During this stage, the child grows quickly. They start to look and act differently. They want to be independent. They want to make their own decisions. They want to be treated equally. They want to be free to do what they want. They want to be in control of their own lives.

The father wants the child to obey him because he wants to control the child. The child wants to make his own decisions and be independent.

If both sides stick to their opinions, it's impossible to find a solution. The father needs to learn about the child's needs and get along with the child.

During puberty, kids need to become more independent. This is a normal part of growing up. Parents want their kids to be able to survive on their own when they become adults.

Children need to be able to make their own decisions and manage themselves. Parents who try to control their children too much make it difficult for them to learn this.

Parents need to let children learn to make the right choices and manage themselves. They need to understand and internalize good reasons through their own experience.

Children have the right to rebel against parental control. Dads need to understand and empathize with their children and allow them to make mistakes.

Therefore, fathers need to do a lot more than children to find a consistent solution. Fathers must take responsibility for this. If children are ungrateful for their fathers' dedication and responsibility, it shows that fathers have not helped children understand how they are loved. Fathers may feel they love their children, but children may not feel it. This is often because fathers judge children with fixed views of right and wrong. Fathers must understand children's feelings and needs.

If a dad wants his child to obey him, and the child obeys, will the dad feel satisfied? Then put yourself in the child's shoes. If the child needs to make decisions without the dad's interference, and the dad gives up his desire for control to satisfy the child's need for autonomy, even if the child makes the wrong decision, the dad can calmly discuss with the child where there is room for improvement. Will the child feel that the dad is a good dad and be grateful?

Ask yourself: when I give to my child, I give what they need, not what I want. My child feels loved and grateful for my love.

Dads worry that kids will make mistakes. How can they let them?

Fathers need to give up the need to control their children and let them explore and make mistakes.

However, the father and child should try out this space together. The father should control things that break the law or threaten the child's safety and keep them out of reach. The child can explore freely in all other matters.

The child may not have developed some abilities, so the father needs to guide him. Discuss the child's wishes and choices, inform him of the natural consequences, let the child bear the consequences, and then let the child try.

This is what consistency means: while ensuring the child's safety, the father can advise the child on how to choose, tell the child that they are responsible for their choices, and then allow the child to try and grow on their own.

May you understand each other and resolve conflicts together.

That's it. I love you.

Hello, host!

Yesterday, we talked about the first step of the three-step process of "what to do": understanding your own emotions and needs, discussing your own part in the situation, and clarifying the hidden desire behind your own anger so the child will comply with your needs. Today, we'll talk about the second step: guiding the child to understand their own emotions and needs.

I'll have an answer for you tomorrow.

Here's the rest of the answer from yesterday.

[2] With a little help from mom and dad, the child can do this part of the work themselves.

Why not just ask the child to do the work of perceiving his emotions and discerning his needs himself, just like his father? The reason is that he is only 13 years old and has just entered puberty, so it is a bit difficult for him to do this step independently.

I'm not saying kids should never be involved and should just wait for their parents to tell them how they feel and guess their needs. I'm also not saying kids are completely unable to understand their own emotions and needs.

It's important to remember that no one can truly feel what another person feels. Parents can guide their children to experience and express their own feelings because they've lived longer and have experienced more complex things than children. They also have more complex feelings and have had more experience sharing and expressing them. However, because of the diversity and complexity of feelings, adults may become less sensitive to some of their own feelings. The deep needs hidden behind them are also difficult for them to see and express directly.

Kids are usually better at recognizing and expressing their emotions and needs than adults. However, when they do express their needs, it's often in a superficial way. For instance, if you ask a child about their feelings and needs in a specific situation, they might say, "I'm annoyed that Dad said that to me," or "I don't want Dad to make me," or "Why does he forbid me to do it?" Their descriptions usually focus on the immediate situation.

However, teenagers can sometimes sum up their deeper needs, like "I just don't want my father to control me."

It's important for parents to guide their kids in recognizing emotions and needs, especially giving them space to express themselves freely. During infancy, parents observe, predict, and satisfy their kids' emotions and needs, which is how kids learn to recognize their emotions and needs.

As they get older and their language skills improve, they'll start to express more complex emotions and needs.

However, a child's ability to understand their own emotions and express their needs is limited by the extent to which their parents allow them to do so and the extent to which they guide and demonstrate. In a family where there is little communication in this area and where parents do not allow their children to have their own emotions and express their needs freely, it is usually more difficult for children to understand and express their emotions and needs. Children learn to understand and express themselves from their parents. If the father always expresses his needs in an accusatory manner, the child will only have the opportunity to learn to express his needs in this way. It can be assumed that once the father and son have needs for each other, it will easily lead to conflict.

So, Dad and you should ask your child to talk about how he feels about this. Try to get him to describe his emotions in a clear way. If he doesn't understand, you can ask him to choose: "When Dad asked you to... at that time, did you feel upset or angry? Did you feel anxious or irritated?"

... "Encourage your child to explain their emotions in more detail and help them understand what they need. For example, what makes them feel anxious?

Are you in the middle of something and your father interrupts you, making you anxious because you can't finish? Or is your father anxious because he feels that you have misunderstood him again and is trying to defend himself but can't find the words to do so?

What would you like your father to do so that you don't feel anxious? How would you feel if your father did what you wanted?

As the child goes through this process, they start to understand their own emotions and allow their true, deeper needs to be expressed. This whole process requires parents to put their own emotions and needs aside, to understand the child's emotions and feelings completely, attentively, and sincerely, and to discuss with the child the true needs behind their emotions. This allows the child to freely express themselves, and it helps them learn to understand themselves and accept and deal with their emotions and needs in the future.

The most important thing is that you're genuinely concerned about his feelings and needs, not just using the method I described as a "verbal technique." Even if you haven't learned this method, as long as you understand your child and their wishes and actions, you'll be able to come up with your own words.

This is why I put this part of the father's own work in the first step. If you don't understand your own emotions and needs, it's hard to let go of them and focus on your child. When the child is unhappy, like when they say, "I'm annoyed that my father said I..." the father's first reaction is to get defensive. He'll say, "I'm doing this for your own good..." and bring the attention back to himself instead of understanding the child.

If the child says that his father is not good to you, is not good to him, and that he wants to take you away when he grows up, it's likely that the conflicts between him and his father are not new. He can get into fights with his father over trivial matters, and his emotional pressure has been building up for a long time. So the child himself may already be a powder keg, and this conflict is more likely to be a powder keg meeting a powder keg. You need to guide the child to understand himself, give him the space to express himself freely, and let the child express his emotions, feelings, and thoughts. In doing so, you are also dealing with the anger and energy that has built up inside him!

You can discuss this while observing, and you'll see that the child becomes softer and calmer in their expression.

Finally, I think the child's core need is: I need my father to stop demanding that I obey him, given all the conflicts the child has with his father.

This is just a quick note to say that I'll be continuing this tomorrow.

I love you, and I think the world would be a better place if we all loved each other a bit more.

Good day, host.

It is reasonable to conclude that you are the child's mother. It is understandable that you experience anxiety. Even in the absence of a conflict between you and your child, and even if your child has a more positive parent-child relationship with you than many families, and even if there are frequent conflicts between father and son in the family environment, and even if there are physical conflicts, you will still experience tension and pressure in their parent-child relationship from time to time.

As a woman, you are physically weaker than your husband, and you have very little influence over the situation in the face of their fierce conflict. You will feel very helpless and worried that they will repeatedly clash in the future, which will have a greater adverse impact on the child. This sense of being unable to control the situation and the relationship between father and son will indeed trigger increasing anxiety.

The lack of information regarding the specific events that have transpired, the quality of the father-son relationship, the dynamics between the father and the child, and the relationship between the father and the child's father makes it challenging to ascertain the underlying cause of the strained relationship between the father and the child, which has led to this conflict. Consequently, it is not possible to provide a definitive response to the question of "what should I do?" Instead, a series of actionable methods will be presented for consideration. The text is relatively lengthy, so it will be divided into two parts, with the second part being published tomorrow. It is hoped that the original poster will take the time to read it in its entirety.

This section of the assignment is to be completed by the father.

It is recommended that the child's father attempt to recall past conflicts with the child when circumstances allow. He should endeavor to become aware of his feelings during these conflicts, particularly his emotional fluctuations, and investigate the underlying psychological needs that may be influencing his emotions.

The rationale behind this suggestion is that emotions, particularly negative ones, are often indicative of underlying needs. It can be argued that negative emotions are a manifestation of unmet needs. Therefore, the initial step is to become aware of one's emotions and identify the needs that may be influencing them. The second step involves creating space in one's mind to observe the child's emotions and needs. The third step is to make a decision that considers the needs of both parties. When the needs of the two are in conflict, it may be necessary to prioritize the needs of one over the other, or to find a balance between them through compromise or creative solutions.

To illustrate, the father and son recently engaged in a verbal altercation over a relatively inconsequential issue. In recalling this event, the father may have experienced a sense of anger. Anger is an emotion that the father is capable of perceiving within himself.

It seems reasonable to posit that the following scenario is likely to unfold: the father believes that a particular action on the part of the child is inappropriate or wrong, and therefore requests that the child comply with his wishes. However, the child is reluctant to do so. The father is reluctant to concede, as he feels that allowing the child to do as they please would be detrimental to their upbringing. As a result, the two parties remain at odds, engaging in increasingly intense verbal and emotional confrontations until the situation reaches a physical altercation.

If this is indeed the case, at that particular point in time, the father may have experienced a sense of injustice. This is because, in your initial query, you indicated that the child does not value or express gratitude for the father's efforts, regardless of the circumstances. Despite the father's dedication and hard work, the child fails to reciprocate with any form of appreciation.

It is one thing if they are not grateful; it is another if they refuse to admit their mistakes and listen to their parents. It is one thing if they refuse to listen to their parents and admit their mistakes; it is quite another if they go against their parents and insist on their wrongdoings, which is the antithesis of being grateful.

This sense of grievance will intensify the emotional state of the father, leading him to perceive the child as ungrateful and acting out. This perception will further exacerbate his anger.

In addition, it seems plausible to suggest that another significant factor contributing to the intensity of the conflict between the father and child in this instance was the frequency with which the father and child disagreed on the child's behaviour. It is likely that the father would disapprove of the child's actions, demand that the child correct them, and that the child would resist complying with the father's requests. This dynamic of disagreement, conflict and confrontation between the two parties is not uncommon and can persist for an extended period. It is therefore reasonable to conclude that the incident in question was not an isolated occurrence. Furthermore, it is likely that the intensity of the conflict was not trivial and that it involved the use of harsh language.

It would be interesting to ascertain whether the duration in question could be measured in years.

If this is indeed the case, it is probable that the anger that precipitated the altercation between the father and child was exacerbated by the accumulation of anger from previous conflicts. This hypothesis is based on the assertion that the precipitating factor in the current incident was a trivial matter.

This is because emotional fluctuations are, in fact, a person's psychological energy. When negative emotions are experienced, this energy does not simply dissipate. Instead, it is necessary to find a way to process it effectively. For instance, if anger is felt, releasing it is a means of dealing with this energy. By allowing the energy of anger to flow out, it is possible to regain composure and continue to focus on desired activities.

If we are unable to comprehend or properly discharge negative emotions, they can only be suppressed, for instance, by tolerating them. If we are persistently confronted with stimuli that elicit anger and we suppress this anger, the energy of anger will continue to accumulate.

If a person is considered a container of emotions, then this container also has a limited capacity. If it accumulates too much and the container can no longer hold it, it will naturally burst, so trivial matters become the fuse that ignites anger. Alternatively, one might posit that the father in question was already a volatile individual long before the child's actions, and it is unlikely that the child intended to upset the father for no reason. However, the child's actions may have inadvertently triggered a larger emotional response in the father, resulting in a negative reaction.

However, the child unintentionally triggered a volatile situation and was consequently subjected to its consequences.

By engaging in this process of self-reflection and emotional analysis, one may gain insight into the underlying needs that drive their emotions. For instance, an individual may recognize that they require appreciation from their child and a certain degree of compliance with their expectations.

It seems reasonable to posit that the majority of fathers are not concerned with whether their children express appreciation for their actions. It may be that they engage in such actions not because they seek appreciation, but because they are driven by a genuine love for their children.

It can be posited that the fundamental need of the father is for obedience from his child.

The relationship between the father's emotions and his needs also became more apparent: the child's refusal to obey resulted in the father's needs going unmet, which subsequently led to his anger.

The aforementioned analysis is incomplete and will be continued in tomorrow's session.

The world and I love you.

Good day, young lady. I perceive your confusion, and I offer you a comforting embrace.

You are currently facing some familial challenges. I extend my support and encouragement to you in this difficult time.

Thus, it may be assumed that you are inquiring as a mother.

The subject is now 13 years of age and is therefore capable of forming his own thoughts and ideas.

It would be beneficial to identify an opportunity to engage in a one-on-one conversation with the child, during which you can inquire about the underlying reasons behind his perception of being treated poorly by his father and by you.

Furthermore, it may be necessary to inform your husband that the child is now an adult and that his actions should be guided by the child's emotional well-being.

It is imperative that the tone of voice used when speaking to the child be modified, as the use of an imperative tone of voice when speaking to the child as an adult will only serve to exacerbate existing conflicts and contradictions between the father and son.

It is of the utmost importance to note that the husband should never resort to physical violence against the child.

Given that you have resorted to physical violence against your child and that your child now exhibits animosity towards you, it is possible that you may need to take the following steps.

Please clarify the issue at hand.

It would be advisable for the child's father to offer a sincere apology to the child and reassure him that he will not engage in any further physical or emotional abuse.

I am aware that it is challenging to request that your husband adhere to all of the aforementioned requirements.

However, if the husband does not take similar action, it is unlikely that the damaged relationship with his son will be restored.

In any case, it is my sincere hope that the problem you are currently experiencing can be resolved as soon as possible.

I have no further suggestions at this time.

It is my sincere hope that my above answer is both helpful and inspiring to you, young lady. I am the answer, and I study assiduously each and every day.

At Yixinli, we extend our deepest sympathies to you and wish you the best.