A 21-year-old girl has suffered sudden mood swings, difficulty breathing, and resentment towards her parents in the past four years.

The questioner's description evokes a range of intense emotions: heaviness, oppression, division, helplessness, self-blame, disgust, and hatred. This pain stems from the two most significant figures in your life. How can you overcome it? I'm here to give you a big hug! The pain and suffering you've endured are beyond the comprehension of others. I sense that this pressure is almost overwhelming you. It's been a challenging journey, but you've made it this far!

The next time pain comes, embrace it! This pain, this anger, is not something foreign or alien—it's you! At this moment, you are nothing else but what you feel. The most worthwhile thing you can do is to let them become one. When pain comes, feel it!

See yourself, and present yourself!

I've found a great way to work through my emotions is to write them down, present them to myself, be with them, and observe them without judging them. It's amazing how, over time, they gain meaning in existence! Once I've accepted the darkness, a whole new channel of life opens up!

The black of acceptance is an incredible force. It tells you that there are things in your life that are very important and that you get to learn to face.

It also reminds you that once you were young and your ability to face and resolve pain was very weak. But now it's different! At your current more mature age, you are ready to face it head on!

You've got this! You just need more time to heal slowly. Start with such confessions, and spend more and more time with different people who are caring and professionally supportive. Find some perspectives that fit your current state and put them into new actions. You've got this!

For example, one of the best things you can gain from seeking help this time is what everyone has mentioned: you should not be responsible for your parents' actions and consequences. "I am responsible for my own life."

At the same time, the presence of parents is particularly important in a family. They constitute our original family, and they also have a historical understanding of the various limitations of the environment. Just as we will also become the original family of our descendants, since the parents in the family interaction model have already become a state that makes you uncomfortable and dislike, perhaps the way out of this pain also starts with you—and it's going to be a great journey!

If you can, go to a professional counselor and embark on a journey of self-discovery together! I often remind myself that the heart is destined to move forward despite the trauma.

Never think that your problems are unique, and never think that you are the unluckiest!

Life is so much more than we can ever understand! It is born from great loneliness and can only be touched through suffering. Only distress and hardship can open the heart's eyes to see all that is unknown to others!

—Shaman Igei Kajak

I wish you the best of luck on your new journey! I would absolutely love to go with you!

Hello, question asker. I'm about the same age as you, and I really want to give you a hug.

This is my seventh proactive answer on this platform. I've carefully read your description and want to give you some food for thought.

First of all, I want to reassure you that the feelings and behaviors you've described are normal, and you shouldn't doubt yourself.

Needless to say, we have to look at each problem on its own merits.

My mother was unfaithful to my father, and I saw my father engage in domestic violence. I find that kind of behavior reprehensible.

It's obvious that your parents' issues have caused you a lot of distress and pain. You feel sick, and you're extremely unhappy about your mother's infidelity and your father's domestic violence. You feel powerless to change the situation, which makes you feel very painful.

Instead of feeling the warmth and love of a family, you feel broken, disloyal, and out of sync. I imagine you'd like to escape, but parents have to solve their own problems.

It might help to think about these complicated relationships from an outsider's perspective (third-person perspective).

When my father and I have a disagreement, I tend to react strongly and spend a lot of money.

Your need to consume as a form of retaliation actually stems from your inner insecurity. You're seeking to satisfy yourself through consumption. I empathize with you, but I also want to point out that the ultimate victim of this behavior is still yourself. You're just creating more trouble for yourself.

You're punishing yourself for the mistakes of others. Pick yourself up and start with the smallest, most concrete things, such as reducing consumption and eating properly.

But my father always wants to hold me in his hands, and I don't want that.

You're absolutely right—you don't want to become the "trophy" of their conflicts. You have your own thoughts and you have the right to express your unwillingness.

I'm giving you a thumbs-up!

All this friction can really affect your sleep. I had a psychological assessment at school last year and was rated as having a grade 2 psychological problem.

You're starting to have physical reactions. I don't know how things are going for you right now. Have you been able to get timely and professional psychological or clinical psychological treatment? What happened with the follow-up of the school's assessment results?

In short, take care of yourself. We can't choose our parents, and nobody's perfect, but you can choose yourself!

Best wishes! I encourage you to actively cooperate with relevant psychological measurement and psychotherapy services, which will help you to have a great life of your own.

I hope this is helpful.

I just wanted to say that I love you and I think the world of you.

Hello.

It's hard for kids to see their parents cheat and fight. It's sad and painful. I've been there, so I'm here for you. Let's talk about what's going on.

Parents represent two parts of our soul: the earth, which nourishes us, and the sky, where we can spread our wings. Parents are supposed to be united, but in many families, they are at odds with each other. The family is chaotic and disorderly, and the sky and earth are changing, which makes people feel bad.

This anger and spending is revenge on your parents. You resent your mother for your father and your father for your mother. Their child is revenge for them. You also revenge on your parents for yourself. You hurt me, and I can't do anything. I vent my anger and frustration by spending money. This calms my anger, but not the problem.

Everyone has a corner in their heart for their bad parents. This corner aches until middle age, when it can finally be made gentle and warm.

Maybe they were wrong to be immoral, or maybe we were too young to understand. The world is a mix of good and bad.

As a child, you need your parents to give you strength and help you feel like you exist.

The illusion of the sky falling and the earth collapsing is created. Parents use their children as weapons in a civil war. It is very depressing, angry, and anxious.

Parents should also feel anxious and fearful. After a moment of indulgence and violence, they have caused a mess.

When reason returns, they fear they have lost the right to love their children because of their mistakes. They worry their children will see them as sinners. They are unable to deal with this and blame themselves for not knowing how to make things right.

The father hates the mother, and the mother betrays the father. This can ruin many families, including yours. You may forget that you can also be a mediator for your family.

You have potential!

I don't like the idea of using children to repay parents, but I believe loving, hating, and understanding parents is a lifelong process. I'm not going along with the chaos, but I'm trying to communicate rationally to calm the family, help my parents think rationally, and transform the environment for positive communication. This is the child's right and an exercise in growth.

If you spend money on a lucky charm, it will bring luck to your home. If a mother's infidelity and a father's violence are linked, and they both blame each other, they may not understand their needs or communicate well.

Changes help us deal with life better and think more clearly.

That's all for now. I hope you have a peaceful family.

Hug the original poster. I can feel your pain and helplessness, and I'm here to help. Living in such a family environment adds a lot of trouble, pain, anxiety, unease, helplessness, and suffocation to your life.

You mentioned several key words: "mother's infidelity," "father's domestic violence and bad temper," "father's strong desire for control," and "retaliatory consumption." These words represent the current phenomena and results.

Let's identify the issues and causes so we can find an effective solution.

There are four key interpersonal relationships at play here: the marital relationship between the parents, the parent-child relationship between you and your mother, the parent-child relationship between you and your father, and your relationship with yourself. Let's examine each of these in turn.

First, let's look at the parents' relationship. The original poster's expression is vague, so I'll make the following assumptions:

The father has a bad temper and is prone to explosions. It's no surprise that the mother has been unable to love such a man for so many years. She has not received any care, tenderness, or consideration in the marriage. Finally, she cheated. Did the father find out about the mother's infidelity and start domestic violence? Or was there domestic violence before, making their marital relationship even worse?

No matter how it happened, their relationship is very bad right now. They must be suffering too, and they have no heart to pay attention to the mental health of the original poster. Hugs again to the original poster.

Next, let's look at your relationship with your mother. You know she cheated on your father, and you feel ashamed.

You can't accept that your mother did such a thing. From the time you were born until you grew up, your mother was the person you had the most contact with and was closest to you. She gave birth to you with so much difficulty, raised you, taught you common sense and the principles of life, and was your first teacher. However, your mother did something wrong, which you can't accept, so you hate her? Then do you feel sad for your father?

I do.

Third, let's look at your relationship with your father. I'm not sure how your relationship with your father usually is.

Were you often around when your father was angry and abusive towards your mother? Of course you hated your father.

You must also feel for your mother and be worried about her situation.

Hug the original poster again. While dealing with your emotions and taking care of yourself, you also have to worry about your parents. It is inevitable that your emotions will suddenly collapse, so be prepared.

This brings to mind the renowned individual psychologist Alfred Adler, who famously stated, "The root of all human troubles and suffering is interpersonal relationships." Adler postulated that there are three fundamental issues in life: work issues (colleague relationships), friendship issues (friendship relationships), and love issues (intimate relationships, parent-child relationships).

★★★ Adler is clear that all interpersonal conflicts arise from meddling in other people's issues or having one's own issues interfered with. The solution is simple: as long as issue separation can be achieved, interpersonal relationships will change dramatically.

It's not your fault. The parents' marital relationship is their problem, and they're the ones who have to deal with the consequences. You can't control how they act. Now that you're an adult, you can try to do a good job of separating the issues. Parents take care of their parents' affairs. They need to take responsibility for their marriage, and you don't need to.

You can do something to alleviate it, or even offer suggestions to help them solve their own problems. The final result is up to them. Detach yourself from their relationship.

This is a problem for you and your mother.

Your mother made a mistake. She was disappointed in her marriage, so she cheated. This is not your fault.

You need to go out and talk with your mother. Leave the home environment and go somewhere safe and private, or go on a trip together. Spend the whole afternoon, or even an evening, talking in depth with your mother about your feelings and listen to her inner feelings. You will feel relieved, and you need to let your mother know how painful it is for you to be in such a family. After reaching a consensus on what to do next, you can live your life well.

The person who has the problem is the one who has to live with the consequences. In your relationship with your father, this is a problem between you and your father.

Your father has a bad temper, is violent, and has a strong sense of control. These are all problems with your father. To solve this problem, you need to have an in-depth communication with your father in the same way. Listen to why he is like this, let him know how much of an impact he has had on you, and reach a consensus on how to move forward and live a good life. You are responsible for your part, and your parents are responsible for their own part. Even if the final result is not satisfactory, you have already taken action for your own problem, so you don't need to blame yourself. You don't need to be entangled and suffer for this.

Let's talk about your relationship with yourself. You may have asked yourself countless times why you had such parents.

You were born into this family for a reason. Your parents could have lived a good life, but they didn't.

You will find that these are things you cannot decide. So stop questioning things you cannot decide. It is not your fault.

If your parents are unable to love themselves, you must love and take care of yourself. Once you have had in-depth communication with your parents separately, leave their marital issues to them. Even if they separate, you and your mother can get along well, you can be happy, and your mother has the right to her own happiness. You and your father can also get along well, and your father has the right to his own happiness. Tell them that you are an adult, that you do not belong to either of them, that you only belong to yourself, and that you want to live a happy life.

Retaliatory consumption is a way of emotional release that you choose. You may regret it after spending money because retaliatory consumption cannot solve your family problems and your own pain.

The most important way to solve problems is to spend your time wisely. Prioritize yourself, communicate effectively, and give your best effort. Leave the rest to fate.

Take the time to improve your work ability and income, thereby improving your material quality of life. Sign up for a hobby class, cooking, guitar, painting, join a book club, a travel club, etc. Do whatever you need to do to improve your spiritual quality of life.

You must start loving yourself by paying attention to yourself. Spend time on yourself. Your self-esteem, self-love, and self-improvement will affect your mother. Take her to learn to cook or dance. When your mother is better, your father may also change.

You need to be the one who influences your family, not the other way around. You're holding on to your family too tightly. You hate them more than you love them. Am I right?

Domestic violence by men is a cultural phenomenon in which patriarchal societies oppress women. Despite the emphasis on gender equality, this phenomenon shows that it is still difficult to achieve.

Father's problems – mother's infidelity – father's violence – unresolved conflicts – a series of problems that cause a chain reaction.

Parents should resolve their own problems. But we suffer the consequences of our family of origin. This is environmental psychology.

Your parents' relationship has had a big impact on you. Kids who grow up in arguments are often sensitive, self-doubting, fragile, depressed, and socially withdrawn.

It's not your fault.

We often hear that happy families are all the same, but unhappy families have their own problems. Yours is unhappy.

You were born into this family. You may feel the hardships of life.

You may have asked why you were born into this family with these parents.

Anger, sadness, and other emotions often attack you, making you shoulder the heavy burden of life in your family while also facing heavy academic workloads.

You need to make the most of the support you get from your family now. In the future, you can achieve success and then treat your family well. You can make this choice!

In the TV series "All Is Well," Su Mingyu was treated poorly because she was a girl from a poor family with two older brothers. The family used all their resources to support her eldest brother to go to Stanford University in the US, and to buy a place for her second brother to go to college. As for her, her room was sold by her mother, and she could only live in the living room. When she was admitted to the elite class, her mother refused to let her go to Tsinghua University, the school she wanted to go to, and only enrolled her in a normal school. Her mother said, "You are a girl who will get married in the future. I am old and I am counting on my brothers to support me, not you."

Su Mingyu was in pain, but she didn't let her family stop her. She worked hard and found a sales job. She became a white-collar worker or even a senior executive.

This scene is a great teaching example.

I am Teacher Liu. Seeing is healing.

There's a lot of confusion in life. I hope I can help.

Greetings,

Your description is somewhat limited in scope, yet it is evident that each event has had a profound impact on you. Despite the brevity of your account, I can perceive the pain you have endured within this familial dynamic. The shame associated with your mother's infidelity, the anger caused by your father's domestic violence, the suffocating feeling of being strongly controlled by various interventions—the entire situation is clearly not positive. Given your inability to express your emotions verbally, your body has responded in a way that is manifesting as somatic distress. I empathize with you deeply. Let me offer you a warm embrace as a gesture of support.

The intention here is to share some feelings with you for your reference, with the hope of providing you with the tools you need to find the answer yourself.

Your mother's infidelity was her method of terminating the marriage, and your father's domestic violence was a direct result of his own actions. They must assume responsibility for their marriage, but it is not your responsibility to do so.

Should one be willing to explore the depths of one's own psyche, one would discover an astonishing truth about one's resentment towards one's parents: that one loves them deeply, more than anyone else.

Ian Steffie offers a compelling description of hatred: "There was no hatred on earth, but people hated because of love; there was no anger in hell, only a baby who had been mocked."

The concepts of hate and love have historically been inextricably linked. An unforgivable act of hatred often stems from an unattainable love.

The reason for the deeper resentment towards one's parents is the investment of a greater emotional quantity in them.

As the adage states, "the deeper the love, the harder the criticism." Your unfulfilled love has been distorted into hatred for your parents.

The subconscious mind is a complex entity. When something is denied, it can resurface and persist, causing distress and manifesting in dreams or other forms of mental distress.

Indeed, acknowledging the loving aspect is an essential step in the process of healing the relationship with one's parents.

It is essential to express one's emotions and to find a constructive way to channel anger.

It is acceptable to acknowledge that forgiveness may not be possible in the immediate future. The process of forgiveness is not a single event, but rather a gradual process.

When one's inner emotions remain unresolved, the concept of forgiveness becomes an empty gesture.

It is therefore important not to rush this process. In fact, the opposite is true: slowing down will result in a significant improvement.

In accordance with the tenets of the family systems theory, it is imperative to acknowledge the autonomy of one's parents and to refrain from attempting to impose one's own expectations upon them. Their actions and decisions are a reflection of their own individuality and life experiences.

It is important to allow one's emotions to flow freely. One should love those whom one wishes to love and hate those whom one is unable to forgive. Additionally, it is crucial to learn to hear the voice within oneself. One must also learn to love oneself and respect one's own rhythm of life.

Hello! I'm Vera, and I'd love to chat with you!

The problem description is brief, but it is obvious from it that the family relationship is quite tense. The parents have a poor relationship, and the father only expresses his inner anger through violent behavior.

It makes you feel like there's only harm in this family, not love. Father beats mother. You find them disgusting. Can you explain this point?

So, when Dad doesn't do what you want, you have a breakdown and spend money in a vindictive way. What are your thoughts on this behavior?

Oh my goodness, I bet Dad wants to hold you close to him so that you will stand on the same side as him against Mum! But you don't want to, do you?

I'd love to know how you feel about your mother's infidelity!

There may be some problems in your family's interaction patterns, but there are ways to overcome them! Your mother's infidelity, your father's domestic violence, and your extreme emotions are just a few of the challenges you may face. But you're now an adult in college, and you have the power to improve your troubled relationship with your biological family. Personal growth counseling is a great way to start!

As a child, you can't help your parents solve their problems — but you can help yourself! It's not your problem either, because it's something they need to grow and change.

You are caught in their emotional entanglement, like being in a tug-of-war, which also tears you apart inside. But you can get out of it! Tell yourself that I can only solve my own problems, and you solve your own problems.

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! Thank you so much!