A 22-year-old girl, why has she been extremely afraid of conflict and arguing scenes in the past six months?

Hello, question owner, I can tell you're feeling scared and helpless from your description. Let me give you a warm hug.

1.

You say you're afraid of conflicts with others, but I can understand why. My family is very similar to yours, and we also yell and scream when we encounter conflicts.

They either stay silent. Why? They don't want to hurt anyone. But when they yell and scream, they use all their strength, and they get really tired. And the other person gets hurt, too. This is very destructive verbal violence. It's really scary!

2.

We yell and scream when we encounter problems because we can't control our emotions. Emotions are like tigers. If we don't control them, they'll come out like tigers and hurt people. Then the other person will feel bad, and it'll just keep going. This negative energy just keeps getting passed back and forth!

3.

We get so angry when faced with conflict because we haven't found a better solution. Your family environment isn't very supportive, but you can't blame them. They're suffering too because they haven't found a better solution either.

4.

It's true that emotions are contagious. We tend to pick up on the mood of those around us, and we unconsciously treat other people in the same way. This is the power of influence!

Given your relative youth, there is ample opportunity to gain insight into your core identity and comprehend the nuances of your personality. It is evident that you exhibit a proclivity towards apprehension regarding conflict, as such trepidation may engender considerable distress.

Furthermore, an apprehension of conflict may prompt the formation of conciliatory tendencies in one's future conduct, leading to a tendency to accommodate others' thoughts and actions while neglecting one's own fundamental needs. It may also be beneficial to reflect on recent experiences.

Have there been instances of conflict and argumentation, but you were able to navigate them successfully by making adjustments in a timely manner to circumvent potential conflictual scenarios? It is possible that the wounds and experiences of your original family have caused you a considerable degree of discomfort.

Such apprehensions may persist even into adulthood, leading to a perception that conflict is inherently dangerous. This perspective may be prevalent in our society, where conflict is often seen as an inevitable aspect of life.

Given that conflict represents the initial step in the resolution of disputes between two parties, it is advisable to seek psychological counseling as soon as possible if one has experienced adverse effects on one's life, physical and mental stability due to concerns about conflict. Additionally, it is possible to engage in the necessary reconciliation and undergo a psychological assessment for wounds from the original family, with the results being interpreted on an individual basis.

Please provide a response to the question posed.

Good morning,

I would like to extend a warm embrace to you. When you hear the sound or see the scene of a conflict or an impending conflict, you feel scared and uneasy, correct?

The conflict originated in your childhood, when you were fearful of being in the presence of your parents. It has since manifested in your daily life and your relationship with your roommate. It has reached a point where you experience weakness and numbness in your legs when you hear this sound, and you feel discomfort throughout your body. Best regards,

Our difficulties originate from past experiences, not the present.

I believe these conflict situations and scenes are reminiscent of your childhood experiences. There were instances when you observed your parents engaged in disputes or when you felt helpless in the face of their anger.

There is no room for concealment. These experiences did not dissipate when they caused distress; rather, they were repeated on a regular basis in everyday life.

When these experiences resurface, they serve as a reminder to address them and gain insight into your younger self. It is time to address this issue in a mature and responsible manner. In the past, circumstances may have limited our options, but now we have the freedom to choose. It is within our power to leave this environment that does not align with our needs and aspirations.

Naturally, we have the option to take the initiative to improve the situation.

It is important to approach this situation with awareness and a clear understanding of the circumstances.

Dear, It is beneficial to observe situations objectively. You have identified that your own behavior and the circumstances in which you find yourself can result in feelings of powerlessness and discomfort.

You may then proceed to address the issue at hand. Please do not hesitate to inquire about your concerns and any related fears.

"What are you afraid of?" "Are you afraid that they will hurt you?" "How can I help you resolve these issues?" Discussing these concerns with a professional can provide clarity and guidance on how to address them effectively.

Please do not hesitate to seek assistance.

The school counseling office is an optimal venue for scheduling appointments to obtain assistance. The counselors there will facilitate a logical assessment of the issue and collaborate with you to implement a solution.

To identify a solution.

I would also recommend reading books such as "The Blame Is Not Mine" and "Reconciliation with the Inner Child."

I hope this information is helpful to you. Best regards, [Name]

Hello!

If you find yourself in a conflict situation and feel "overwhelmed and uncomfortable, with your temples tensing and your ears ringing, and hear voices," you need to take control. Let's sort this out together.

There are a number of reasons why you might be afraid of facing conflict.

First, you may have experienced traumatic events. During your growth process, you may have inadvertently witnessed more intense arguments or violent incidents, and the fear was stored in your subconscious. When you are in such a situation again, your subconscious rises to the conscious level, and somatic response symptoms are triggered.

Second, you may have been punished by your parents after a conflict with others, and the memory is still vivid. When you have a conflict with others again, you will feel scared.

The deep reason behind emotional reactions is the fear of losing something in a conflict, such as losing friends or losing parental love. Seeing parents yell at their younger siblings makes them afraid that their parents' bad mood will be transferred to them, such as getting angry at themselves. This is called the "kick the cat effect" in psychology.

The following strategies are recommended:

(1) When facing a conflict, take three deep breaths, control your emotions, or take a moment to collect yourself before speaking. If necessary, leave the situation temporarily until you're ready to engage.

(2) If a conflict arises, you must have the courage to face it. If you are prepared for the possibility of losing a relationship, you must be prepared mentally.

It's okay to feel sad or upset. These emotions are inevitable, but you don't have to stay in a bad mood for a long time. Do something else to distract yourself and take your mind off it.

One may cultivate self-confidence by maintaining a gratitude journal and fostering additional interests and passions.

It is this author's recommendation that the reader peruse Crucial Conversations and Crucial Conflicts in order to enhance their capacity to navigate conflictual situations.

I am Yang Lili, the respondent. I extend my love to the world.

Hello, host. I could tell from your question that you're going through a lot. I can relate to feeling depressed, scared, and tense. I'm sure you've been carrying a lot on your own before, and it's not easy to persevere until today. I hope that reading the words of the little whales will make you feel safe.

From what I know about your upbringing, I wonder if you grew up in a somewhat "violent" family? I see that my parents' current method of educating my younger brother often involves "yelling," so I suspect that you also suffered from this when you were a child.

It's possible that the pain you're feeling now started when you were very young. When we encounter something, our natural instinct is to either "fight" or "run away." If you didn't have the support you needed when you were a child, "running away" might have been the easiest way to cope.

For instance, it can make people want to hide away and avoid social situations. This is a natural physical reaction to avoid potential dangers.

Then, the conflict with your roommate six months ago made you feel hurt, and it may have triggered the trauma inside you, so these past six months have been difficult. Over and over again, your heart has been hurt by those past and hurtful events.

If you want to talk about it, I suggest you choose a counselor or listener on the platform and let them help you heal the trauma inside. Then, you need to give yourself a little time, and it may take a while to ease up.

My second piece of advice is to protect your heart.

It's clear that your body has already been affected by these traumas, with tinnitus, hearing voices, a sense of oppression, and nervous tension. This is actually a way of your internal emotions being physicalized, so before we go find professional advice, you may have to take care of yourself first.

For instance, find a safe and comfortable environment, choose an object that represents the hurtful event in your heart, and look at it. What would you like to say to it? Let out all the pent-up emotions in your heart, don't hold back, cry if you want to, cry for as long as you want, say whatever you want to say. Just keep going until you feel that the pent-up emotions in your heart have eased.

For instance, grab a notebook and a pen, set a timer for 10 minutes, and just write whatever comes to mind. Don't edit yourself or stop writing. Just keep writing until the timer goes off. When it does, you can stop. Don't judge what you write, and don't worry about the details. This is just one way to help you vent.

Finally, you can choose some meditation exercises on the platform to help relieve tension, worry, and fear to a certain extent.

I just wanted to give you a hug from afar. I hope you can find a professional teacher to give you support and help. You will definitely get better, so hang in there!

Your upbringing and parenting style affect your personality. From your description, it seems that you grew up in an argumentative environment, which can lead to low self-confidence, lack of assertiveness, and emotional instability.

You have developed a stress response to such scenes. Your instinct is to avoid them.

The conflict six months ago has made you afraid of such situations. You can't face the argument you were in, and you also resist arguments in your family.

Escape isn't the answer to life's challenges. Life involves arguments and conflicts.

If you don't face it, it will always be there, affecting your life. It can be hard to do, but you can try to face it little by little.

When faced with a difficult situation, don't rush to solve it. First, identify the reason behind the symptoms.

When facing conflicts, first analyze your situation. Is your reaction as a bystander a re-examination of the situation, allowing you to experience the same feelings?

Go to the hospital to find out if your symptoms are physical or mental.

Once you understand your situation, work on developing your character and confidence. Have more confidence in facing life's challenges.

Hello!

Give yourself a hug!

If you were treated roughly by your parents or other caregivers when you were young, it would have left a mark on your heart. As a young child, you were vulnerable and unable to protect yourself, so you would have been fearful. If you were often treated this way without being comforted, it would have formed a kind of reflex. Whenever you see someone lose their temper or have a conflict with someone, or see someone's intense emotions, it would trigger your own emotions.

If your parents have a poor relationship and often quarrel, it can cause trauma and make you feel responsible for their conflicts. This can lead to self-blame and guilt, which can also cause fear.

First, accept your emotions. They are not your fault. Believe you can overcome them.

Second, don't take the blame for things, especially not in the midst of someone else's conflict.

Your business is your own emotions. As long as you can control them and avoid being influenced by others, you'll be fine.

Learn to communicate well. Understand that the best relationships are built on cooperation. Give value to others and you will become a better communicator.

Communication can help resolve conflicts in relationships. Don't communicate with irrational emotions.

If you lose your temper, you're not powerful. Stay calm, know what you're talking about, and express your opinions calmly. The truly powerful person is the one with inner strength.

Overcome your fears, exercise, improve your abilities, and be confident.

You can also see a counselor if you need help with your fear.

I hope Hongyu's reply helps. Thanks for your question!

I'm so grateful for your kind invitation!

I think many of the answers here are spot on when they mention the possibility of traumatic reactions to conflict situations. I couldn't agree more!

First of all, you said, "I was always afraid at home." We all have a right to feel safe and loved in our homes, don't we? So, if you were afraid, it means that home brought you negative feelings, and there must be a reasonable reason for this that you need to explore.

But here's the thing: people's emotions are complex. It's tough to hate or love someone or somewhere completely, because they might also bring up mixed feelings in you. So, your mind might feel a bit unsure about how to handle it all.

It's totally normal to feel weak when it comes to interpersonal conflicts. It could mean that you're not ready to face problems head-on, or that you haven't learned how to handle conflict in a healthy way during your growth process. Whatever the reason, it seems like you're naturally averse to conflict at the moment.

Then, about six months ago, I had a bit of a falling out with my roommate. It was a pretty intense situation, and it brought back memories of past traumatic experiences I'd had with conflict. From what you've shared, it seems like your body reacts strongly to these situations, and you might feel a range of physical sensations like discomfort, pressure, or even hearing voices. These physical reactions are actually your body's way of expressing the anxiety, tension, or fear you're feeling.

If you have the means to seek professional psychological counseling, you can tackle the problem together with the counselor. If you don't want to seek counseling yet, there are currently self-help methods such as learning to relax (breathing exercises, exercise, meditation, etc.). You can also try to choose the circle of friends you associate with (it's a good idea to make friends with gentle and friendly people, and maintain a safe distance from relationships with stronger people who will put pressure on you). This way, you can first recuperate in a relatively peaceful environment.

However, we all know that conflict is a part of life. If you feel you can benefit from some extra support, you can also actively learn more about how to deal with interpersonal conflicts and how to deal with conflict situations (you can try reading books on this subject). And if you still feel that talking to a counselor would be helpful, you can always use this resource again.

Wishing you all the best!

Good day, host. I hope my response proves helpful to you.

I extend a gesture of support and strength through a hug. We are similar in that I have been apprehensive about conflict since childhood, particularly direct conflict with others. When I was young, I would become distressed when I observed my elders at home engaged in a conflict. It was only after undertaking a period of introspection that I gained insight into myself and developed strategies to share with you.

Why is conflict in relationships so often seen as a negative thing?

1. Your upbringing has influenced your communication style.

Perhaps during your formative years, your parents or other authority figures would commend you for exemplary behavior and encourage you to emulate such conduct. Over time, you developed a keen awareness of others' sentiments and a tendency to prioritize their needs in your interactions. This inclination is commonly referred to as "pleasing others," and it often yields a sense of fulfillment.

2. Desire for recognition and avoidance of negative perceptions

When seeking recognition and affirmation from others, we tend to prioritize their perceptions and opinions. This often leads to a tendency to please others, identify their needs, and try to fulfill them, while neglecting our own needs. While this may create a positive impression, suppressing our own needs over an extended period can result in emotional distress, which is detrimental to our well-being.

3. Insufficient self-confidence, which leads to a reluctance to express opinions.

If you lack confidence, you will be hesitant to speak up. You will be overly concerned with the opinions of others, while neglecting your own thoughts and feelings. Your reluctance to express yourself stems from a lack of confidence in your ability to resolve conflicts when they arise. It is often easier to avoid such situations.

What is the solution?

1. Responding to feedback from others

An individual's current persona is shaped by their personal growth, educational background, and living environment. They have a set of their own evaluation standards. When we meet these standards, they view us positively; otherwise, they view us negatively.

We all evaluate others based on our own standards. When others meet our standards, we like, support, and approve of them; when they don't, we dislike and disapprove of them. Therefore, whether others evaluate you positively or negatively seems to be a reflection of you, but in fact it is a result of whether your evaluation aligns with theirs.

It is important to recognise that everyone has different needs and positions. There is no need to impose your views on others or to seek their approval in every situation. By adopting this approach, you will feel much more relaxed.

2. Learn to recognize your strengths and capabilities.

It is important to recognize our own strengths and value ourselves, and to consistently provide ourselves with positive psychological reinforcement.

Confidence is a direct result of self-affirmation and self-support.

There is a psychological principle that when something is lacking within us, we will seek it outside. However, external sources are inherently unstable and beyond our control. The only thing we can control is ourselves and our own actions and thoughts.

The fact that we seek external recognition indicates that we lack self-approval. Therefore, it is essential to practice self-approval and self-encouragement. When we are self-approved and self-supportive, we become less concerned with external recognition and evaluation.

When you accept and approve of yourself, it will have a positive ripple effect on your relationships with others. Your confidence and self-assurance will be contagious, inspiring those around you to have more confidence in you.

It follows that you are the source of everything. By changing yourself, you will change your world.

3. Enhance your self-confidence and sense of security.

Confidence is derived from strength and hard work. When we become the person we aspire to be through our own efforts, we will become more and more confident and feel more and more secure.

By setting appropriate goals and achieving them in a step-by-step manner, you can gradually enhance your abilities, accumulate knowledge, and enrich your experience. This approach will instill a growing sense of security, control, and confidence in your ability to navigate life's challenges.

Appropriate goals are those of moderate difficulty, which can be reached by taking small but consistent steps. If the goal is too small, it may not provide sufficient challenge, leading to boredom and a lack of motivation to achieve it. Conversely, if the goal is too big, it may seem overwhelming, causing a lack of confidence in one's ability to achieve it. Moderate-intensity goals are the most motivating, as they provide a sense of accomplishment and self-confidence when worked towards.

As an example, if your current walking level is 4,000 steps per day, it would be more beneficial to set your daily goal at 4,500-5,000 steps, rather than less than 4,000 or as high as 10,000.

When establishing goals that align with one's abilities, it is crucial to demonstrate perseverance and take action. Only through action can one overcome challenges and truly recognize their value.

Please continue to encourage yourself, provide yourself with positive psychological suggestions, and believe in your ability to succeed.

4. Adherence to personal principles is the only way to achieve genuine freedom.

If we consistently prioritize the needs of others in a relationship, while neglecting or even suppressing our own needs, and when we are unable to express our needs and present our true selves, we experience discomfort. Therefore, it is essential to learn to express our feelings and needs and be true to ourselves.

The more you are true to yourself, the more you will find harmony and ease within. I understand this may be challenging, but as long as you are determined to start adjusting yourself and trying to express yourself, I believe you will get closer to what you want.

When you are courageous enough to express your true self, you will find that your own energy becomes increasingly robust.

As the book The Courage to Be Disliked states, when you are not afraid of being disliked by others and do not crave their approval, you will gain true inner freedom.

5. Implement non-violent communication strategies to facilitate relationship growth and development.

When faced with conflict, it is essential to learn to communicate using non-violent communication. This can not only avoid arguments but also facilitate mutual understanding and promote the growth of the relationship.

The steps of non-violent communication are as follows: state the objective facts, express your feelings, express your needs, and request the other person's actions.

It is important to be objective when stating facts and to avoid being critical or accusatory. For instance, if there is a conflict with a customer, it is possible to describe the incident in an objective manner, then express one's feelings (e.g., "This makes me feel very uncomfortable") and needs (e.g., "I hope you can respect some of our company's rules and regulations"). Finally, one can request that the other person take action (e.g., "You can also invite him to express his feelings and needs").

If the other party is also willing to express their needs and feelings, it will facilitate a deeper level of communication and connection, ultimately leading to an enhanced relationship. Instead of becoming isolated due to conflicts, there is an opportunity for growth and a deeper understanding of each other.

Furthermore, in order for non-violent communication to be effective, it is essential to learn to listen properly in addition to observing, identifying feelings, understanding needs, and making requests.

Effective listening is a skill that requires attention to detail and a genuine desire to understand the other person's perspective. Rather than offering immediate solutions or advice, it is essential to identify the underlying needs that may not be being met and to provide genuine support and guidance.

When there is uncertainty regarding comprehension, or when the other party inquires about understanding, prompt feedback is essential to ensure accuracy. Concurrently, maintaining consistent attention on the other party is vital to facilitate comprehensive expression of their feelings.

Once the other party has fully expressed their feelings, they will either feel more relaxed or stop talking altogether. This will have achieved our goal of building a good relationship.

The method of non-violent communication is relatively straightforward to learn, but to truly master it, we must engage in more practice. These exercises are valuable. If we can all utilize this language of love, relationships will become more harmonious, life will be enhanced, and society will be more harmonious and loving.

Furthermore, observing another individual engaged in a conflict may elicit a physical response. This could be attributed to a tendency to confuse the emotions of others with our own, or alternatively, to project our own emotions onto others. It is essential to establish a clear boundary between our own emotions and those of others. It is crucial to avoid taking on the emotions of others. To understand our own emotional responses, it is vital to identify the underlying causes.

Please describe your emotional state at the time. Were you experiencing anger?

Do you find yourself resisting? Or do you want to escape?

Or is there another factor at play?

As you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, you will be able to identify the root cause of your emotional responses. This will enable you to address your core issues and become less affected by external influences. Instead, you will be able to develop a more objective perspective and use emotions as a catalyst for growth.

Best regards,