A 24-year-old girl cannot accept her parents' treatment of her. Should she cut off contact?

I was lucky to have a great relationship with my mom. She taught me to read and was so patient with me. My dad was also really nice and often took me out on weekends.

On the other hand, my dad thinks that discussing things can help us deal with stress. He sometimes points out little mistakes at the dinner table, gives me a bit of a scolding, and then says that I'm a bit neurotically sensitive.

My mother would then kindly remind me of the importance of being grateful to one's parents in the future.

Later on, my mom started to get really stressed out and stopped talking to me about anything but school. She would get really upset every one to two weeks.

For example, because of safety concerns, she began to limit my time outside the house and my social interactions.

After university, he asked me not to leave the house, which I was sad to do. After a little cry, he stopped asking me to do that, but he did ask me lots of questions before I went out and kept calling. If I didn't answer the phone, he would get a little upset.

Last month, when I told her on the phone that I was playing games with friends, she was a little worried that I might develop a mental illness.

However, my father didn't reassure her. Instead, he said things that made her worries worse.

For example, if I don't answer the phone, he'll say I'm doing it on purpose, bless him! When it comes to video games, he'll say that a colleague of his was diagnosed with schizophrenia after playing video games.

On top of all that, he tends to blame me for things like infidelity.

After trying so many times to talk things through, my dad even threatened suicide when we separated.

Hello, question asker. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Reading your statement really moved me. I can only imagine how much worse it must feel to be in this situation. I'm sending you lots of hugs and love to help you through this.

We all want a warm home that gives us a helping hand when we need it most.

It's so sad to see a family in this state. They've lost their way and are causing each other a lot of pain.

So, the questioner thought about running away, but deep down, he has a big heart and couldn't bear to just leave. That's when he thought of coming to the Yi Psychology platform for help. I give you a big thumbs-up for your love, bravery, and resourcefulness!

From what the original poster said, it's clear that this was originally a warm and loving home. Mum was very patient and supportive, reading with you and giving you the education you deserved. Dad, on the other hand, was demanding but also very affectionate.

But then something happened. Your mom collapsed, and the world collapsed in her mind. She felt insecure, lost her normal judgment, and everything seemed dangerous to her. She didn't have the strength to give you all her love, but her instinct was to emphasize your safety. So she restricted your going out, controlled your friends, and sometimes had a tantrum.

Questioner, your mother is doing her best to love you, even though this love can sometimes make you feel a little uncomfortable and even affects your normal life. Your mother is also sick, like this family, and needs treatment.

As for your father, it's not super clear from your original post, but it seems like he might be the one who started this whole thing with the illness in the family. He speaks and acts in ways that are irresponsible and hurtful, scolding you until you have an emotional breakdown and calling you names like neurotic and schizophrenic. That's not okay! You also mentioned infidelity, saying that when your mom had a breakdown, he not only failed to comfort her, but also said things to provoke her.

It's so hard when a father is irresponsible. He can't take responsibility for his actions, and he resists your independence. He wants to drag you down with him, which is really unfair.

So, the original poster, your father is also sick. He is so sick that he doesn't even know it himself. He has hurt your mother and you, the two people he loves most.

The family is going through a tough time right now, and they need your help. Mom and Dad are struggling too, and they need your support. You're the only one in the family who's feeling good right now. You're an adult, and you have the power to make a difference. What are you going to do to help?

Questioner, I just want to remind you that you can ask a doctor or a psychologist to treat your parents, but there is one thing you need to do first: psychologically separate yourself from them. You are you, and your parents are your parents. Their relationship is none of your business. Make sure you are not affected, and ensure your physical and mental health and a normal life. Otherwise, if you can't do this, you can consider moving out on your own, and go back to see them normally and do your best...

The key to being a good leader is to be strong.

I'll stop here, but I really hope the original poster finds a warm home!

Hello, dear questioner!

From what you've told me, it's clear that you're feeling restricted by your parents. I'm here for you and I'm sending you a big hug from afar!

It's true that parents always want to be in control of us. If we don't do what they say, they get scared and feel insecure. At the same time, they also worry that we can't be independent and that we can't look after ourselves. From their point of view, these behaviours are actually caring for us. For example, your father said that playing games will also cause some mental illness. I think he was influenced by the fact that his colleagues got mental illness from playing games, so he interfered with your practices. Your mother also restricted your return time at night and other behaviours. In fact, these are all because your parents are worried that you will get hurt if you go out alone, and they are also very afraid of what kind of danger you may be exposed to. From the parents' point of view, they hope that we can grow up well, not be influenced by the bad influences in the outside world, and be able to survive safely and healthily. We should learn to find love in the details and care for our parents.

It's totally normal to feel resistance and rejection, but from the parents' perspective, they really want their kids to grow up happy and healthy. Parents just don't believe that we can be independent. But we can! When we show our parents that we've developed these abilities, they'll be so proud.

If your parents are suppressing you and finding fault with you, it just means that our actions have affected their emotions. We may be out of their control, but we have every right to refuse, to refuse gently but firmly, to face them without emotion. You can communicate your thoughts to your parents and think about what kind of person you want to be and what kind of work you want to do in the future.

It's totally fine to have friends and enjoy games, but it's important to understand what our top priority is. It's time to get back to reality, build your independence, reassure your parents, and develop your ability to survive. You'll be happier if you spend less time on entertainment and focus on nurturing yourself in all aspects. I truly believe that after you make these changes, your parents' emotional attachment to your responsibilities will also decrease.

If you're having trouble adjusting your parents' emotions and other problems, I really think you should guide your parents to seek professional psychological counseling. It might also help to look at your parents' relationship patterns and your own relationship patterns from a third-party perspective, analyze your problems, and figure out what you need to do to make adjustments.

I really hope my answer is helpful for you!

Hello!

Your mother is worried about your safety and wants to control you. How should you get along with her?

Let's work this out together.

I don't know when my mother started wanting to control me. Before that, something happened that made her feel insecure. We can only solve her anxiety by finding the root cause.

Here are some ways to relieve anxiety:

(1) Change your thinking.

"It happened last month. She thought I was going to develop a mental illness because I told her I was playing games with friends."

"I'm afraid to go out and make friends."

These worries are made worse by the small probability of events in our lives. Nowadays, information is received quickly online and our brains make us think these events are more likely to happen. This makes us more afraid and anxious.

To change this way of thinking, you have to tell the difference between what you imagine and what you see in your mind. When you are caught up in your imagination, stop thinking.

Or say, "The scary story has started again." If you say it enough, it loses meaning. This dissociates you from the imagination.

(2) Accept that things change and don't worry about it.

It's normal to be concerned about safety. Take the initiative to avoid safety incidents. For example, pay attention to traffic planning. Don't go out early or return late.

When making friends, pay attention to their behavior and don't associate with people with bad habits.

Some things are out of our control. If something unexpected happens, we can only adjust and accept it.

(3) Look at things positively.

Changing your perspective can change your emotions. When you look at things positively, you feel less anxious.

Playing games can relieve stress and loneliness if you control how long you play. Going out of school and meeting people can help you make friends.

(4) Change how you relieve stress.

My mother started to refuse to communicate with me about anything other than school. She would lose her temper every one to two weeks. Losing your temper may relieve stress in the short term, but it damages relationships and does not solve problems.

It's best to communicate when everyone's emotions are more stable. Have a positive mindset before communicating. Adult children may not accept their parents' advice. If they don't, stay calm.

(5) Encourage mom to have her own life.

The mother's anxiety hasn't been eased by the way her parents interact. She should seek her own life and reduce her expectations of her children and husband.

Lowering expectations and disappointment is good. Paying more attention to yourself is also good.

This will reduce the desire to control family members.

This has to be done gradually because it is difficult to change habits.

(6) Make a new family interaction model.

In today's society, family members are often far apart. You can set up a WeChat group to say hello or exchange ideas daily. Find a method that suits your family.

(7) Answer your mother's calls right away.

Answer your mother's calls and messages quickly. This shows she can count on you and makes her feel safer. It's important for everyone to show respect and be respectful in return.

Connections can be made between people, and we can feel the meaning of existence from it – love.

I hope this helps.

Best,

The situation you describe is highly complex. You indicate that during your formative years, you enjoyed a positive relationship with your mother, who was notably patient. Your father frequently engaged in outdoor activities with you but would reprimand you at the dinner table, which ultimately led to a nervous breakdown and a subsequent diagnosis of mental illness. Following this, your mother placed significant emphasis on the importance of gratitude towards your parents.

Subsequently, the mother ceased communication with the daughter on all matters aside from school, as she was experiencing significant distress. She became increasingly concerned about the daughter's safety and restricted her social interactions and opportunities to form new friendships. Instead of providing comfort, the father would make statements that exacerbated the mother's anxiety, attributing blame to the daughter for the perceived shortcomings and problems. Following numerous futile attempts at communication, the father threatened suicide if the daughter were to separate. What recommendations can be made in this situation?

It is evident that the relationship between you and your parents is characterized by a high degree of entanglement. Your inclination to engage in social activities outside the family unit, coupled with your mother's inclination to impose restrictions, and your father's proclivity for extreme emotional outbursts, suggest the presence of underlying familial tensions. It is plausible that these behaviors are driven by a multitude of factors, including but not limited to:

Firstly, it is possible that they are fearful of being separated from you.

Secondly, it is possible that your parents do not have a harmonious relationship, which may result in them seeking to exert control over you.

Thirdly, it is possible that you are the scapegoat in your family, which would result in you bearing the blame for negative moods and problems.

The question thus arises as to how this can be achieved.

It is imperative that one learns to mentally separate from one's parents. Having reached adulthood, one is capable of caring for oneself and of refusing to accept any form of pressure from one's parents.

As an adult, it is imperative to recognize that one is not obliged to tolerate the mistreatment inflicted by one's parents. When confronted with such circumstances, it is crucial to express one's feelings rather than resorting to passive acceptance.

It is also important to develop effective communication skills and to express one's needs in a reasonable manner. It is possible to advocate for one's rights. For instance, if one displays a strong emotional reaction and an unwavering refusal, it is unlikely that one's travel plans will be restricted.

Additionally, one may engage in a calm discussion with the relevant parties, express their feelings, present their reasonable needs, and maintain a firm stance on the matter at hand.

Ultimately, it is important to adjust one's expectations of others, strive to fulfill one's responsibilities, and take ownership of one's actions. It is crucial to recognize that the actions of others may not align with one's expectations, even when one has taken the initiative to act in a certain way.

Given their advanced age, it is reasonable to conclude that expecting your parents to alter their behavior is a challenging proposition. It is therefore prudent to avoid placing undue expectations on them. Instead, it is advisable to allow them the space to navigate their own affairs and refrain from undue involvement or interference. Instead, focus on controlling the aspects within your control, performing your duties to the best of your abilities, and learning to be content with yourself and your needs.

I wish you the best of luck!

Dear Question Owner,

It is evident that you are experiencing considerable distress and pressure as a result of your living situation with your parents. It is also clear that you have a strong emotional bond with your parents and are motivated to improve the situation in your family through your own efforts. Your proactive approach to seeking help is commendable.

You indicate that your parents were highly benevolent towards you during your childhood. However, there was a subsequent shift in their attitude towards you. Based on your description of their behaviour, it appears that they both attempted to project their emotions onto you, as if they were attempting to satisfy their own inner feelings through you.

At this juncture, they are experiencing a sense of deficiency. It is possible that they have faced challenges in their personal lives, and that their relationship with their spouse is also undergoing difficulties. However, they lack the capacity for introspective reflection and self-correction.

Such requests as support, comfort, and a sense of worth are the easiest and most convenient for them to make, though they are unaware of this fact.

Currently, one might posit that you are acting as a conduit for your parents' psychological issues or that you are absorbing the negative energy of the entire family unit.

How might this be improved? I have a few suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you.

First and foremost, it is imperative to attend to one's own emotional state and to distinguish between discrete subjects.

Some of the restrictions imposed by one's parents can be challenging to navigate, particularly when there is a discrepancy between their expectations and one's own sense of self-worth. It is crucial to prioritize one's own feelings and needs as the primary reference point, rather than allowing external influences to shape one's perceptions and actions.

Should the situation prove too challenging, it may be beneficial to seek counsel from a trusted individual. Alternatively, if circumstances allow, it may be advantageous to consider establishing a separate residence while maintaining a degree of contact with one's parents.

It is imperative to maintain a sense of personal autonomy and refrain from becoming overly invested in the emotional dynamics of others.

Secondly, it is important to accept that changing the expectations of others is not a realistic goal.

Parents have their own families of origin, their own upbringings, and their relationships with each other have affected them in various ways. It is challenging to assist them in resolving their internal issues through one's own care, accommodation, and communication.

Attempting to alter one's parents' behavior or thought processes may result in exhaustion without the desired outcome.

Thirdly, it is important to assist parents in identifying sources of spiritual sustenance.

It is important to note that complete disregard is not an option. Instead, it is possible to identify ways to encourage them to lead a more fulfilling life by identifying activities that align with their interests. For instance, they may benefit from attending a university for the elderly or engaging in activities with their peers in the community. Additionally, they could explore developing one or two new hobbies.

When individuals are engaged in these activities, they may experience a sense of distraction, which can help to prevent them from focusing their energy on family-related conflicts.

My name is Haru Aoki, and I extend my utmost regards to the world.

Dear question asker,

My name is Kelly, and I've taken the time to read your words with great care.

I believe there are a few issues that require our attention.

First, at the dinner table, your father encouraged you to develop your debating skills, while your mother also encouraged you to be grateful to your parents. This suggests that your father's approach is very assertive, while your mother chooses to be more passive. Behind the seemingly harmonious "education" of the couple, there may be a hidden crisis. We can also see the strength of your father and the submissiveness of your mother.

Many parents say, "I'm doing this for your own good, and I hope you'll be grateful for it."

Perhaps parents' desire to see their daughter succeed can be understood, but the method may not be the most effective. How can we be sure that debating at the dinner table is always the best approach?

At the very least, the harmonious atmosphere of the family meal is disrupted, and it affects the mood. What was originally a happy event has become somewhat stressful.

While some things can be imitated, it is not always clear whether something is truly worthwhile.

It is clear that you are emotionally devastated and suffering from a nervous breakdown. However, it seems that your father has not considered your feelings or emotions. It appears that he is forcing you to comply with his ideas in the typical manner of someone who means well for others, but is actually imposing his own thoughts on others, which could be perceived as a form of moral coercion.

Zhuangzi once said, "It's not easy to understand the joy of a fish if you're not a fish yourself."

If I might respectfully propose a second issue for your consideration, it would be:

From a systems thinking perspective, it seems that the mother's emotions are also experiencing a certain degree of distress.

In his theory of the emotional system of the nuclear family, Bowen suggested that every nuclear family is an emotional unit that represents many meanings and two important parts.

It is worth noting that any factor that affects one individual can also have an impact on others within the system.

In your family, your father is actually very anxious, and he imposes "activities" on you for debate. Over time, his anxiety affects you and your mother, and you have a nervous breakdown. It also affects your mother.

It could be said that integrated family relationships are based on each family member giving up a little of themselves.

It might be helpful for the questioner to consider suggesting to their mother that she might benefit from speaking with a psychologist. It's possible that her concerns about her son's behavior, including restrictions on friendships and other unusual behaviors, could be alleviated by seeking professional guidance. It's also important to note that negative events, such as playing games, could potentially trigger thoughts that might lead to concerns about mental illness.

Thirdly,

It seems that your departure from the family home has resulted in your mother experiencing an increase in her emotional burden. It may be that she has been struggling to find a way to release it, which has led to her developing chronic anxiety.

It seems that your father's anxiety has had an impact on the dynamics of your family.

For instance, it has had an impact on you, and your mother has been residing with him for the duration of this period, so she is the individual who has been most affected.

It might be helpful to observe your father's family of origin and the interaction patterns of your grandparents. It's possible that he's unaware of how his behavior affects others.

I must say, the questioner has done a very commendable job. After college, you have begun to lead an independent life, and your decisive refusal also marks your growth. At the same time, I am happy for you that you have taken responsibility for your family. I can see that the questioner is worried about their parents, which is understandable.

1: It might be helpful to gradually establish a sense of your own boundaries to avoid getting too involved in your parents' relationship. You could consider reviewing the strengths and weaknesses of your parents and taking the best aspects and discarding the less helpful ones.

2: It might be helpful to view your parents' relationship from the perspective of an outsider.

3: Attempt to gain a deeper understanding of your parents.

It would be helpful to assist your parents in recognizing the issue, particularly in regard to their emotional involvement.

4: As you grow up, you may wish to consider the following:

It might be helpful to consider that parents also need to grow and change their original family interaction patterns. You could try writing a letter to your parents.

Perhaps it would be helpful to tell your parents how you feel, and give them a new perspective. As your daughter has grown up, it's possible that they may have a different impression of you now.

5: You are all independent individuals, each with the responsibility of taking care of your own lives.

6: You might consider giving your parents a book like "Why Families Get Sick" or "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist." These books are relatively easy to understand and could provide your parents with an opportunity to grow. If the situation is serious, it might be helpful to seek professional assistance.

7: The questioner is continually expanding their knowledge of psychology by reading more articles on Yixinli.

8: Consider ways to limit your parents' influence over you.

I hope my answer is helpful to you and I wish you well.

I hope the world and I can show you some love.