A 29-year-old man finds himself to be a pleasing personality in marriage. How can he change?

Hello! You're a good husband and father.

You say you're a nice guy in your marriage. If so, you're a good husband and you love your wife.

You love her and care about her feelings. She should feel your love. Do you have kids? If so, you must be happy with three.

You seem like a good man who cares about his family. Do you want to change the way you please your wife? Ask yourself if this is a happy way to live.

If you're both comfortable, there's no need to change. But if you're not, you can. You're responsible for your own happiness.

Question owner, I wish you well!

Hello, host. I see that you love each other and are considerate of each other, and I commend you for that. At the same time, I also see that you feel aggrieved and helpless because of your habitual tendency to please.

First of all, it's important to know that 50% of people have a tendency to please others. It's very common for people to please the people they love or for a certain purpose. So, you are not alone.

Pleasing types are afraid of upsetting others, even when they feel bad. They know it's not our fault, but they still show weakness to calm the trouble. We want to make others happy, and our own feelings don't matter.

This is why the other person resents you. She loves you as a person, not the compromising you. You can explain things clearly, but you appease, and she feels guilty. She has to forgive you, but things can be explained. You use appeasement to close the door to communication.

Let's be honest, you felt aggrieved, helpless, and ignored, didn't you? People who try to please others always suppress their feelings. At the same time, people with a pleasing personality also have long-term suppressed anger, which, even if they are unwilling to admit it, will become the trigger for relationship crises in the future.

Neglecting the self is a key problem with the pleasing personality type.

My advice is as follows:

First, identify your emotions/feelings, without avoiding them: sad, disappointed, aggrieved. Second, sort out how you feel about these feelings. Third, what were your thoughts or beliefs when the incident occurred? Fourth, what were your expectations of yourself, your wife, and what you thought your wife expected of you at the time? Fifth, what were your desires and needs at the time?

For example, your wife says that when you go to her parents' house, you don't chat with her parents and always look at your phone, which shows a lack of respect for her parents.

Tell me how you felt: angry, aggrieved, or innocent.

I am angry. She is my wife, and I am entitled to feel this way. I feel rejected, hurt, and helpless behind the injustice.

I was busy working and did not deliberately ignore my elders. I have always put your parents' interests first, but you don't see it. I am not angry because I love you. Anger will destroy our relationship.

I expect my wife to see my efforts and understand me. I expect to resolve all conflicts and live in peace. I expect my wife to think of me. I expect her to listen to me and communicate with me, not avoid me.

You want to be noticed, understood, and loved.

Once you understand this, you'll see that trying to please others is a controlling belief that makes us anxious when things don't go our way. If our desires aren't met, we turn them into expectations for the next second. If expectations aren't met, we carry the burden of mental depletion and become constantly anxious.

Use this model to explore your own personality. The more you understand yourself, the more responsible you can be for yourself and the more free you will be.

Next, look at your wife's emotions.

Once you understand your feelings and needs, you can communicate with her in a non-violent way: Dear, you say I only look at my phone and don't respect my parents. I feel misunderstood and innocent because I love you. I also love them. I have done a lot for them, and I feel it is my responsibility. I hope you can't define me because of this one thing. Understand the reason why I did it before giving advice. I will be happy to improve.

The above is an example. The original poster needs to discover how he feels first.

Love yourself so you can love her better. I wish you both happiness. [rose]

Hello, I am Teacher Yuxin. I can see that you are going through a difficult time. I hope that my understanding can help you to think about things in a different way.

From my perspective, it seems that some people prefer not to experience distress, yet they anticipate that things will improve or that something more favorable will arise. Your concern for your wife's emotional well-being suggests that you may desire for her to experience a positive emotional state, or perhaps you are concerned that her emotional state might lead to a separation.

It may be a combination of both.

I wonder if I might suggest that the cycle of conflict, admission of fault, appeal, rejection, and conflict is a recurring pattern in your marriage. If so, this cycle may be like a net, or perhaps a web, that carries your emotional expectations of your wife or your fear of losing her.

It is not uncommon for people in a relationship to have expectations of their partners and to fear being abandoned. With the right approach, most people can regulate these expectations to an appropriate level, avoiding the risk of placing an unbearable burden on the relationship.

However, changes in the people in the relationship or in the outside world can sometimes result in this burden becoming too heavy. It may be the case that the relationship pattern, that is, the cycle network just mentioned, which was originally supposed to take care of your psychological needs, becomes a source of stress itself when it is overloaded.

At this time, people in the relationship may experience a range of challenging emotions, including discomfort, anxiety, worry, fatigue, and withdrawal. These feelings serve as a reminder that it's important to consider ways to reduce the burden on the relationship.

It would be beneficial to take the time to understand what you specifically expect and what you fear. In my experience, people often realize that a large part of their psychological needs exist in past relationships, but that they unconsciously bring these needs into the current relationship, which can result in a certain level of stress.

When people become aware of this, it can help to reduce the pressure. If the psychological needs can be met and corrected through the counseling relationship, it may not only reduce the pressure in the current relationship, but also bring about further psychological growth. This could then lead to a healthy and positive development of relationship patterns.