A 31-year-old woman often engages in self-criticism, even when there's no fault; what should she do?

Hello, question asker!

Your description evokes the image of a young girl, vulnerable and afraid, huddled in a corner. It's a heartbreaking scene.

I reflected on my own past situation.

They are hesitant and overly cautious, always worried about being criticized.

And after finishing the task, they will constantly reflect on themselves.

This is not good.

I did something wrong.

When you make a mistake,

They entered a mode of self-destruction, remorse, and torment.

I later learned that:

In the first four or five years of our lives, we adopted the lifestyle that we believed to be correct according to our living environment to deal with various problems in life.

This way of life and way of thinking was learned from our parents.

If our parents think we are good, then we are good.

If our parents think we are no good, then we will think we are no good.

Attack that "lousy" self within!

This pattern has accumulated over the past 30 years.

You need to face your own imperfections to get out of it.

First, we must accept our imperfections.

We engage in self-denial and self-criticism in the hope that we are outstanding and perfect people!

We must accept our own imperfection.

In the real world,

Perfection is a myth!

We all have strengths and weaknesses.

These strengths and weaknesses can transform into each other.

We must transform criticism of ourselves into understanding.

Admit it: you are imperfect.

You must accept all that you consider good and all that you consider bad.

These are all parts of ourselves.

We accept all of these parts of ourselves back with unconditional love!

Understand them, and tell your inner self:

I understand that this is happening, and I know that I am imperfect.

I accept this imperfect me!

I know that the imperfect me is the real me!

Second, when facing criticism from your leader at work,

We must face our inner selves bravely and sincerely, whether it is our own problem or not.

Face your leader directly and explain your position consistently.

If so, correct it!

Let me be clear: consistent communication means:

Tell the other person how you really feel!

Don't judge or accuse. Just describe your feelings and the facts.

When we hear criticism from our leaders,

Everyone has emotions.

When this happens, you must focus your attention on the emotions occurring in the present.

Be aware of how your emotions arise.

Tell me what you feel when you hear criticism from others.

Describe it in your mind in words!

When it's your turn to speak, describe your feelings to the other person!

At the same time, you must also listen to what the other person has to say patiently.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you!

You can always rely on yourself to help you!

From now on, we must pay attention to our inner selves.

Pay attention to where your thoughts come from.

Listen to the true voice within you.

And love her!

Embark on a journey of self-care!

This journey will make us more confident and improve our lives!

You can do it!

I know you can do it! I wish you all the best!

March 13, 2022

It can feel like criticism from others is a barrage of bullets. It can be hard to escape the shackles and crawl forward, evaluating yourself based on other people's judgments, including all kinds of criticism from others.

If you get too much criticism, you might start to believe that you're as bad as everyone says you are. It's like your mother always thought you were no good, and your superiors are always criticizing you and giving you trouble.

All of this can make you feel a bit down on yourself. Long-term criticism can also knock your confidence right out of you. You can see if you've fallen into it and can't get out, and if you've let criticism surround you completely.

We all need a little criticism sometimes to motivate us to grow and improve, but it doesn't have to be like this every time. We also need some encouragement and nourishment to help us receive positive feedback, which then boosts our confidence. Public attacks from others are actually a kind of rudeness, so let's try to avoid them.

You can always talk to me in private. There's absolutely no need to do that in front of everyone. You can still explain that you may not be like that. You should take care of yourself. There's still so much to learn on your journey of self-growth. I highly recommend you read "Finding Your Inner Self," "Seeing Your Growing Self," "Loving Yourself Back," "Explosive Growth: Awakening Your Life Superpowers," and "A Life Not Bound by Ideals." Best of luck!

ZQ?

As someone who's been in cross-industry management consulting for 22 years, I'll give you a quick answer.

It's not the event itself that triggers emotions, but how we perceive it.

Share a theory with the host. The "ABC theory" was proposed in 1995 by American clinical psychologist Ellis. It basically says that the triggering event is only indirectly responsible for causing emotional and behavioral consequences, while the direct cause is the belief that an individual forms about the triggering event based on their perception and evaluation. The theory aims to reduce psychological problems by changing an unreasonable perception into a reasonable one.

Let me give you an example from work to explain.

Colleagues A and B both made mistakes when presenting their PowerPoints. A was really upset and thought, "How could I make such a stupid mistake? What will the boss think of me? This is inexcusable! I'm so upset with myself that I even want to deny the whole of who I am."

B, on the other hand, thinks that "mistakes are bound to happen at work, and this one is a good reminder. Next time I come across something similar, I'll be sure to double-check it." He got back to work quickly.

You see, two people can face the same thing and have completely different attitudes because they have different views of the event.

So, next time the questioner encounters something and wants to be self-critical, it's important to change your perspective.

A. Life is full of events. We can't fully control when or how they'll happen.

B. But how we perceive events depends on our own consciousness. If we can transform unreasonable perceptions into reasonable ones

C, and you can manage your emotions to suit your needs. Over time, repeated use of language can even change lifestyles and destinies.

I hope this helps! You can follow our WeChat account, Vin the Career Planner.

Hello, landlord! I really hope my answer can be of some help to you.

Just as Seligman came up with the idea of learned optimism after discovering learned helplessness, we can actually change our thinking patterns and ideas! All we need to do is give ourselves a process to change from "self-criticism" to "self-acceptance" and then to "self-affirmation."

So, my advice to you is this: try to understand yourself better, accept yourself for who you are, and let your emotions flow in a healthy way. I truly believe that with a little time and some adjustments, you'll be feeling better in no time!

It's so important to accept and understand ourselves, don't you think?

Self-acceptance is the foundation for self-confidence and self-change. When we feel worthy of love and acceptance, we're less likely to experience negative emotions like anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and personality disorders.

Self-acceptance is all about having a positive attitude towards yourself and your qualities. It means being comfortable in your own skin and embracing your current situation, whether that means feeling proud of your strengths or understanding that you're not perfect. It's a right that we're all born with.

You don't have to have outstanding merits, achievements, or make changes that others want in order to be accepted.

According to psychologist Maslow, a healthy person should be able to accept themselves and human nature, without being annoyed or complaining about it. It's like someone who doesn't complain about why water is wet or why rocks are hard. We can live well with our shortcomings and flaws, and we're all perfectly imperfect!

Knowing yourself is the first step to accepting yourself. It means understanding your position in life, recognizing your needs, desires, and limitations.

When you accept yourself, you can stay calm and patient even when you see your imperfections. You believe that you can keep improving and growing in reality.

When we accept ourselves, we value and cherish what we have, respect ourselves and others, and view the differences between us all as something to celebrate. We understand that our lives are unique and wonderful. Even without the praise of others, we can accept and love ourselves just as we are.

When you accept yourself, you know that when you make a mistake, it's just one thing or one action that's wrong. It doesn't mean that your entire being is bad. You allow yourself to make mistakes and you see that mistakes are also part of life. Mistakes are a bridge to help you grow!

When we accept ourselves, we accept all the real phenomena in life. We don't let ourselves be subjective or bigoted, and we don't let ourselves be arrogant or humble.

As the wonderful Romain Rolland once said, there's only one kind of heroism in the world: loving life after you've understood the truth about it.

And, of course, we also need to love ourselves after seeing ourselves clearly.

Self-acceptance is all about knowing yourself.

Self-acceptance is something we can all achieve when we're happy with who we are as a person, while understanding our own strengths and weaknesses.

When we accept ourselves for who we are, it can give us a boost of confidence and self-esteem. But if we don't really know ourselves, it can make us feel arrogant and conceited. And when we fail, it can really knock our confidence.

So, what is the self?

Psychology has a lovely way of defining the self as the individual's perception of their state, including their physical and psychological states, interpersonal relationships, and social roles.

So, before you can accept yourself, it's really important to get to know yourself. Think about what you need, what you care about, what kind of life you want to lead, and what your strengths and weaknesses are.

It's only when you see an objective, true, comprehensive, and complete version of yourself that you can reasonably position yourself and make positive changes based on accepting yourself.

How can we achieve self-acceptance?

It's totally normal to have trouble accepting ourselves. It often has to do with how we were raised. We may have felt unlovable or flawed as kids, and that can stick with us as adults. When we do something we think is "wrong" or something we're not proud of, we might hear a little voice inside saying, "You're not good enough."

So, self-acceptance takes time and practice. It took me a while to get to where I am now, and I still have a way to go. But, I've found that the more we accept ourselves, the more confident we become, the more motivated we are to change, and our state just keeps getting better and better.

So, think of self-acceptance as a skill you can practice every day. It's not something you're born with, but something you can develop.

I'm so excited to share with you five ways to cultivate self-acceptance, as revealed by a clinical psychologist!

1. Set the goal of self-acceptance within

"Self-acceptance begins with intention," says psychologist Geoffrey Sumber. "It is so important that we set a goal for ourselves, that we transform a world of blame, doubt, and shame into a world of inclusion, acceptance, and trust." This idea acknowledges that self-loathing does not lead to a satisfying life.

Sambur says, "If I set the goal that a life of self-acceptance is much better than a life of self-hatred, then I will start a chain reaction within me to adapt to a peaceful life."

2. Record your strengths!

Every day, write down one of your strengths, affirm your value, and see your strengths. You'll be amazed at how quickly you'll discover your strengths! And playing to your strengths will give you more confidence than correcting your weaknesses.

Because, in today's society, there are so many ways to make up for our weaknesses through cooperation, and our strengths are what make us who we are!

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you.

Spend time with people you feel comfortable with, who love and accept you unconditionally, and give you all the support and love you need. Build a supportive relationship with them, and you'll feel more stable, peaceful, and joyful.

4. Talk to your best self.

Take a moment to visualize interacting with your best self. Imagine that your best self, which is deep within you, has stepped out of your body and is looking at your current living situation or situation. What would it suggest you do?

This visualization of separation is a great way to give yourself a little space from your current self or whatever is causing you pain. It helps you tap into your inner wisdom and use it to help you heal.

This exercise is a great way to learn how to be the best parents we can be and show ourselves some love. You can even spend a few minutes meditating and doing this exercise when you're in a tough spot or just need a little guidance or self-care.

5. Be like the person you want to be until you actually become them!

If you don't believe you are a valuable person, then first give yourself value and hold onto that belief. It's so important to love yourself unconditionally. Once you can do that, you can finally forgive your mistakes and let go of the need for others' approval.

We all make mistakes, and that's okay! It's important to remember that our identity is not defined by our mistakes.

It's only natural that when we lack something inside, we look for it outside. If we cannot accept ourselves, we will especially long for acceptance from others. But, as we all know, everything in the outside world is unstable. So, the best way to gain stable acceptance is to turn inward. When we have achieved self-acceptance, we will not care so much about the approval and evaluation of others. And we can gain true inner freedom!

It's so important to use reasonable methods to release those emotions!

1. It's so important to socialize with the right friends and talk about your worries and confusion. By "right," I mean those friends who can give you support and encouragement and who you feel comfortable with.

2. Go for a walk, play some sports, and just relax your body and mind!

3. Writing therapy is a great way to get things out of your system. Just let your thoughts and feelings flow onto paper. Don't worry about the handwriting or the logic of what you're saying. Just go for it!

4. Punch a pillow or a sandbag to release your anger by hitting a soft object.

5. Here's another great technique: the empty chair technique. All you have to do is place an empty chair in a room and imagine that the person you want to confide in is sitting in it. Then, you can express yourself to the chair—it's totally okay to feel angry or frustrated.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, question asker. I can clearly see the inner feelings of depression, grievance, sadness, and helplessness in your description.

Your mother raised you in an inappropriate way when you were a child, and you learned that you couldn't do anything right. You grew up with self-criticism as a way of life.

You may have left home and are living on your own, but you still suffer from this in the workplace or in your daily life. When faced with malicious criticism and attacks from your superiors and others, you don't resist. You choose to continue to be self-critical or endure it.

You are a very brave person. You have the courage to leave home and face the world on your own. You also have the strength to confront your inner pain and seek solutions outside yourself. You are already better than many people.

The way you get along with your mother is also the way you get along with the world.

A child's mother is their entire world. Losing her is like being destroyed.

Children naturally identify with their mothers to survive. This is why, when faced with your mother's unreasonable accusations, you choose to be self-critical. You rationalize your mother's behavior in a self-critical manner to survive.

When you enter society, you will continue to get along with your mother in all your relationships with the outside world.

You agree with your boss's malicious criticism, just as you agreed with your mother's criticism. You use self-criticism to survive in relationships.

Other people are not your mother.

You need to understand that other people are not your mother. You don't need to cater to and please them.

You have grown up. You don't need anyone's support to survive. You have the ability and the right to do things your own way.

The way others treat you is permitted by you.

When you think you are worthless and lack self-confidence, you will attract attacks from others.

When you face malicious criticism, public trouble-making, or attacks from others, you have a choice. You can either resist, argue, or refute. If you don't, your self-criticism and patience will tell the other person that they are right and that they can treat you this way.

You must learn to counteract malicious criticism with a gentle but firm attitude.

When your supervisor maliciously criticizes you and openly makes trouble for you, you must find the right opportunity to express your attitude in public with reasons and evidence.

Don't engage in false self-suggestion.

You believe that your poor performance at work is due to your unhealthy state of mind.

There is no evidence to suggest that poor health leads to poor performance at work.

You need to recognize that your perception of yourself is unreasonable and that you are not treating yourself well.

This will make you more receptive to and reasonable about other people's evaluations.

You must establish your own evaluation system.

There is no standard answer to many things in this world. Everyone looks at things from a different perspective, and everyone's level of understanding is different.

Don't believe anyone's judgment of you, including your mother's.

Mom is not the standard answer, and no one is.

You must re-establish your own evaluation system and know what kind of person you really are.

When you start to doubt yourself, ask yourself: Is he really right? Am I really like they say I am?

You know who you are better than anyone else. Don't let others define you.

Believe in yourself, love yourself, and care for yourself. When you do, others will treat you well.

You are excellent, so keep up the great work!

Good morning,

Host:

After a thorough review of the post, I could discern the distress caused by the poster's self-criticism. However, I also noted that the poster demonstrated courage in expressing his challenges and sought assistance on the platform. This proactive approach undoubtedly facilitated a deeper understanding of himself and enabled him to make necessary adjustments.

I will now share my observations and thoughts from the post, which I hope will help the poster gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

1. Critical inertia

From the aforementioned post, it can be observed that the individual in question is consistently self-critical, which causes them significant distress, yet they are unable to refrain from this behavior. The question, therefore, is why this is the case.

Many individuals are aware of certain undesirable habits, yet find themselves unable to refrain from engaging in them. This phenomenon bears resemblance to the experience of driving a car: despite applying the brakes, the vehicle continues to move forward for a period due to inertia.

This is because every old habit corresponds to a neural circuit. It is not possible to eliminate neural circuits; they can only be replaced by new habits to create stronger new neural circuits, which can then be used to overcome old neural circuits.

The host has been subject to criticism from his mother since childhood for perceived shortcomings. During our formative years, we lacked the awareness to fully comprehend our own capabilities, leading us to accept and internalize our mother's assessments.

As a result, our approach to self-evaluation became one of self-criticism. Over time, this mindset and way of thinking developed a corresponding neural circuit.

This is why we are constantly self-critical, even if we are unaware of it.

2. The game of projection and identification

From the information provided in the original post, it appears that the individual in question is consistently criticized by their supervisor at work. Additionally, they appear to believe that their supervisor's assessments are accurate. Consequently, they may be inclined to engage in excessive self-criticism. Is this an accurate assumption?

There is a concept in psychology that our relationship with the external world is an outward projection of our relationship with ourselves. What is meant by the term "projection"?

Simply put, it means attributing our own thoughts and opinions to others.

There is a story about a man who lost some money. He initially believed his neighbor stole it and consistently viewed his neighbor as a thief. However, after discovering that his neighbor was not involved, he realized that his neighbor did not appear to be a thief. This is an illustrative example of projection.

It is a commonly held psychological belief that how we treat ourselves is reflected in how others treat us.

When we are overly self-critical and project this relationship pattern onto external relationships, the leader may identify with our projection and attack us. Therefore, it is important to adjust our inner relationship with ourselves.

It is important to remember that how others treat us is a reflection of our own actions and behaviour.

3. Adjust irrational perceptions

The host has now reached adulthood and possesses the capacity, resources, and awareness to conduct a self-examination. This enables us to identify the underlying factors that shape our personalities. The host's mother, as mentioned, was consistently critical of her.

Given our limited knowledge at the time, it is now possible to take a fresh look at our own growth experiences as we have grown up.

Let us examine whether our mother's understanding and evaluation of us is reasonable.

As we mature, we come to understand that our mothers are also ordinary individuals with their own limitations, traumas, and disappointments. In light of this, is it reasonable to continue holding them in absolute esteem and accepting their assessments of us unquestioningly?

It may be beneficial to maintain a skeptical outlook and examine the past from an adult perspective. Were our actions truly as problematic as we perceive them to be, or were our mother's parenting expectations simply misguided?

From an adult perspective, it may be possible to identify some irrational perceptions and make necessary adjustments. This process can help to gradually reduce the influence of our original family on us.

It is important to note that the purpose of reviewing one's family of origin is not to blame, but rather to gain a deeper understanding of oneself.

4. Apply the small step theory to facilitate personal growth.

The theory of small steps can be defined as a method of incremental progress.

It is understandable that self-criticism can be painful. We may be inclined to avoid this pain by seeking immediate change. This is a natural human instinct.

However, we have discovered that the more we desire to escape and change immediately, the less effective our efforts seem to be.

Furthermore, attempting a complete change at once may result in disappointment, frustration, and even self-attack if the desired outcome is not achieved. It is therefore essential to accept the current state of oneself. Occasionally, it may be necessary to live with a minor issue in order to make progress.

From my perspective, the poster has already made progress compared to before. This is because they are actively seeking assistance on the platform and gathering more information to gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

This is a significant step forward.

While you do have a tendency to self-criticize, you are also making incremental progress. I believe that with a little more time, you can achieve your goal. Therefore, it is important to have confidence in your abilities.

I hope these insights will prove helpful and inspiring to the original poster. I am a psychological coach.

Should you require further communication and growth, you may click on Find a Coach to connect with a coach who will support you one-on-one as you grow.

Good day, To whom it may concern,

I would like to begin by congratulating you on your perceptiveness and self-reflection.

You are aware that your inner self-critical voice influences your actions.

In your interpersonal interactions, you tend to be passive and withdrawn, correct?

From the information provided, it appears that you have had a tendency to be self-aware since childhood, which may have originated from an internal "superego."

Could this be related to the criticism and accusations brought to you by your mother?

Classic psychoanalytic interpretation posits that the superego originates from being brought up by demanding parents in early childhood.

In order to complete self-identification and form the subject of the self, the early object must accept the approval of the parents.

What is the best way to break this cycle?

First and foremost, it is essential to develop self-confidence.

Identify your strengths and consider what you can praise and commend.

Please provide details of any awards received since childhood, as well as your most outstanding achievements at work and a list of your most reliable contacts.

Please provide the names of your trusted colleagues.

Obtain feedback from colleagues and gain insight into how you are perceived. What are your strengths and weaknesses?

What are the qualities that your colleagues admire most about you?

Secondly, it is important to reconcile with the "inner mother" aspect.

Have you ever considered the possibility that the critical voices within you may have originated from your mother's early voice?

Despite having left the family home and established your own independent life, your identification with your mother remains strong. The physical distance between you is considerable.

The inner critic may be a manifestation of a deeper need to connect with one's mother.

It is therefore advisable to select a secure and private location where you can consistently address the inner critic.

In other words, your mother articulates your emotions and ideas.

If feasible, consider employing the empty chair technique from Gestalt therapy:

In front of the empty chair, articulate all of your thoughts and feelings regarding your mother.

Then, assuming the role of the empty chair, respond to the criticisms as you would if you were your own mother.

Third, speak up when you have doubts.

When discussing topics with colleagues and clients, it is important to express your own ideas.

In the event of groundless accusations, it is also advisable to respond in a similar manner.

It is often the case that those who are passive in the face of criticism do so as a result of excessive cowardice, which in turn strengthens the behaviour of those who are attacking them.

Fourth, avoid individuals who are overly critical and engage in personal attacks.

An individual who habitually offers criticism may be someone who has a very low sense of self-worth and a lack of self-esteem.

One may attempt to compensate for one's own inferiority by disparaging and belittling others.

It is important to be able to distinguish between individuals with whom you can express your anger and grievances, and those with whom you cannot.

It is also important to identify individuals who can be avoided.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that each of us is a distinctive entity within the global community.

Each of us is unique in the world.

I encourage you to persevere. You have my enduring support.