A colleague forcibly helped me while inflicting severe emotional distress on me, causing me distress and discomfort.

Hello, I'm honored to answer your question. I understand your concerns. As an employee at a Fortune 500 company, your resume should be impressive. You've been out of the workforce for a few years, but I can tell you have a strong sense of self-esteem.

Your self-esteem should match your abilities. Self-esteem makes it easier to live. When you join a company, you will be unfamiliar with some of the business. It is natural to ask questions from the more experienced employees. In a work environment like a central enterprise, seniority is very important. Since you joined the company later, he will criticize you without regard for your feelings. Communication between people has broken through your boundaries.

You need his help. You can't change his style of work, so you have to adjust your state and do the work you should be doing with his help.

People who speak like to teach. When you ask him a question, he feels superior. Maybe at work and in life, he is not valued by his leaders, and his work performance is not very good. With this opportunity to help you, he wants to feel more present at work, and this makes you feel uncomfortable.

To improve the situation, show off your strengths. Ask and learn about things he's interested in. This will improve your efficiency and his. If he criticizes you, interrupt. If he attacks you, find the information or help him with something. Perhaps he'll stop criticizing you. Before asking him questions, think about the answers. After getting help, summarize the related questions. This will improve your work ability and reduce your dependence on him. Your progress will impress him.

I'm happy to go out with you. 1983. The world loves you!

Dear question asker,

I can see that this is a challenging and confusing situation for you. Let's take a closer look at the facts of the matter.

You have a colleague who is of a similar age to you and who is much more skilled than you, and you are dependent on him at work.

Your colleague is very helpful, but in terms of communication, they may be more accustomed to a style that aligns with our parents' generation, which could involve suppressing and scolding.

In the context of non-violent communication, it may be helpful to consider that when you are verbally abused by the other person, you have the option to express your inner feelings gently but firmly and make a specific request. This approach could potentially facilitate mutual understanding and respect.

It's possible that the other person is well-intentioned, but may not be aware of the impact their actions have on you. This is why fostering positive and constructive communication is crucial at this juncture.

I would like to offer a suggestion or two for your consideration.

As an outsider, I believe that although the way the other person treats you makes you feel uncomfortable, in the workplace, he is willing to spend time and effort to help you. For this, I think it is still worthy of respect. Perhaps we could use the reason of thanking the other person to invite him to a meal or something similar to ease the relationship between each other. This way, the two of you can get to know each other better and eliminate misunderstandings.

Additionally, if the other person's approach makes you feel uncomfortable, it might be helpful to express your feelings and difficulties to them directly, with the hope of gaining their understanding. If you're uncertain about how to approach this, you could consider finding an intermediary to help you convey some of your meaning.

I would like to suggest the book "Nonviolent Communication" as a helpful resource. I am grateful for your attention and hope you will find it worthwhile.

Dear,

From my perspective, your description evoked a scene reminiscent of a child interacting with an adult. It appeared that the child was seeking guidance and support from the adult, yet the adult's demeanor seemed to convey impatience, disdain, and even insults, despite their apparent intention to assist the child.

It may seem like you are helping your child, but it's possible that you're actually expressing impatience and disdain. Have you ever felt this way?

Many of us have encountered similar situations in our lives, to varying degrees, depending on the adults we have had the privilege of knowing. Some adults are more nurturing and possess the ability to genuinely support children. Others may face challenges in this area, carrying feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and various resentments. When they interact with inexperienced children, these feelings can manifest as unconscious behaviors, which can inadvertently affect the children in their care.

I'm not sure if you've had similar experiences with adults during your own growth process, or perhaps your parents, teachers, or other significant individuals in your life have exhibited similar traits. When confronted with such individuals, it can often be challenging to express our anger, as they exude a strong presence while simultaneously appearing to adhere to a moral code. We rely on them and value their guidance, yet we must navigate their irritability and disdain.

It may seem as though we are all to blame.

I sense that your interactions with colleagues may be challenging at this time, particularly as you navigate your new professional position. It's possible that what you need most is a supportive external environment and someone who can patiently accompany and guide you, rather than someone who, under the guise of helping you, may unintentionally belittle you, consume you, and drag you into an even more depressed state of mind.

I believe you have a good understanding of what you need to do. You are aware of your abilities and recognize that you lack experience. It's natural to feel a bit lost in this situation.

It would be beneficial for you to try to protect yourself as much as possible, seek out people who can provide you with a sense of relaxation and companionship, and create a supportive environment for your personal growth. If it's not feasible to physically distance yourself from certain individuals, you might consider mentally distancing yourself from them as well.

In addition, I feel that this colleague is someone you cannot avoid for a while. Perhaps you could use this opportunity to meet this special person and see what effect this person has on you. This could help you to understand how to set boundaries in the workplace, guard and express yourself with dignity.

Could I ask what your inner feelings are when faced with this colleague who uses verbal violence to help others? Is it fear?

Perhaps you are feeling a lack of power, or even afraid to express your anger.

Could I ask you to consider what stories and attachments you may have in your heart when you face this colleague, and what voices you may have in your head? I believe these are waiting for you to see for yourself, to bear the vulnerable and wounded part of your heart with deep understanding and tolerance.

You may find it helpful to accompany and dissolve this part of yourself through your own seeing and understanding. This could allow true strength to grow from within you.

With time, you may find that you can express your needs and boundaries in a calm and assertive manner. It is possible to maintain a sense of self-respect even when interacting with others.

With time and understanding, you will gradually develop the inner strength and resilience to navigate these challenges.

Please accept my heartfelt greetings and best wishes for this moment.

I hope this is helpful. Wishing you well.

Hello! I'm a heart coach, and I'm here to support you with warmth and sincerity as we listen to your story together.

I totally get it! Having a more powerful colleague at work means you need his help, but on the other hand, he's constantly criticizing, denying, and accusing you. This makes you feel aggrieved and inspires anger. However, you have to "bend to circumstances" and "dare not speak your mind" for fear of upsetting him.

Every time you muster the courage to argue with him, it gives you the chance to grow stronger! You are filled with fear inside, worrying that he will "give up on you." You want to stay away from him, but you still need him, which puts you in a difficult position.

Let's dive in and tackle this together, starting with a warm hug!

1. Inherent patterns of human interaction

Everyone has their own amazing inherent patterns, such as behavior patterns, emotional patterns, and thinking patterns. These patterns are also brought into all kinds of relationships, including intimate relationships, parent-child relationships, and interpersonal relationships.

For example, your colleague is warm and friendly, but he has a short temper and is quick to criticize and dismiss others. You, on the other hand, have a "please-please" personality type that makes people feel "easy to bully" and "unimaginative" because of your social phobia. This makes the other person even more "unscrupulous" when helping you, pointing fingers and bossing you around.

You know he's really helpful to you, and you'd love it if he could be a bit more friendly. It would be great if he didn't belittle, mock or deny you in any way, especially in front of the affirmation and recognition you receive.

These are all your patterns, and they have been retained because they once served to protect us well. But now it's time for a change! Because they were "useful" to us, changing them is difficult. But with a little effort, you can make the change!

"Seeing" is the first step to making a change! It gives you the power to choose. Work on your ability to be "aware" and "see" your own patterns and how you interact with others.

The first step is to recognize it. Once you've done that, you can start making changes!

? 2. Go on a journey of self-discovery and embrace the deep emotions that reveal your unmet needs!

Behind every emotion is an unmet need. Your colleague treated you in this way, which made you feel aggrieved and filled you with anger. But there's a gift in this!

This is how emotions work! They're trying to give you a gift, but if you refuse to accept it, they'll keep "harassing" you until you finally accept the gift.

Spend some time with this resentment and anger. Feel it and experience the deeper emotions. It's time to recognize that our relationships with others are a projection of our relationships with our parents.

Once you recognize that these emotions are deeply buried in the subconscious, you can then be ready to face similar situations with a newfound sense of empowerment. When a similar situation arises, you will have the opportunity to reclaim your power and recognize that this deep sense of grievance and anger is simply a reactivation of emotions from your past.

When you were a child, you had the opportunity to learn how to stand up for yourself! You experienced negativity, criticism, and accusations from your parents, which made you feel aggrieved. Anger rose up inside you, and you wanted to resist, argue back, and defend your independence and autonomy. But you were too weak at the time, and being criticized and rejected made you feel frustrated, powerless, and helpless.

However, the way your colleagues interact with you reactivates the criticism, rejection, and blame you experienced from your parents as a child. This is your chance to learn and grow!

Everyone comes into our lives to help us complete our own important life lessons. Find this lesson in it and complete it carefully—it's an amazing journey!

Embrace these emotions! Allow yourself to feel your deep anger. Acceptance is not about accepting someone for who they are, but about recognizing their existence, regardless of whether they are good or bad, helpful or harmful to you.

? 3. Be sure to pay attention to maintaining your sense of boundaries!

Like this colleague, he came into your life to help you complete an important part of your life. And you're there to help him achieve his goals too!

Colleagues should get along well with each other and help each other. You also recognize that he has been helpful to you and that he is very enthusiastic! The way he offers help is not quite what you're looking for, but you know he has good intentions.

You can communicate effectively with him, directly expressing your opinions and feelings (thank you for your help, but your criticism, denial, and accusations make me feel worthless), while also listening to his opinions and feelings (maybe he is not even aware of this pattern in himself).

The key is to be sure to transmit emotions, with the aim of reaching a consensus and smoothing over emotions, so that together you can find a solution to the problem. And it's so worth it!

And there's more! Communication also helps you establish a sense of your own boundaries, so that he is aware of which words and actions are "crossing the line" and are not "allowed" or "accepted" by you.

People are equal. When you show your sincerity, you will get the same in return. Be brave! You should "fight back" when you need to, and you will achieve success together!

I really hope the above is helpful to you! And I just want to say, the world and I love you ?

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I'd love to communicate and grow with you one-on-one!

I'm 26 and new to the area. I work at a large design institute. I'm preparing to spend my whole life there. But just a few days after starting work, there is an employee the same age as me. I'm confused and have family changes in the first two years. I also have social phobia. I'm disheartened and have learned nothing in the first few years. He's more technically skilled than me. I have to ask him about everything. He's eager to help but scolds me. Everyone in the department can hear it. I feel that I would rather he didn't help me and didn't scold me. He'll forcibly help me when I'm thinking. I just want to think for a while. He says there's nothing to think about. The pressure he exerts makes me feel uncomfortable. He's short-tempered. Last night, he came over to give me pointers. He got very emotional and said he wanted to hit me.

I saw he was about to do it, so I got angry and he left. He just says, "Every time I am firm..."

Dear Question Asker, From your description, I can discern a number of inner feelings, including inferiority, worry, grievance, anger, and confusion.

You have recently overcome social anxiety and are beginning to establish a new identity. However, just as you are starting to feel confident in your professional life, you encounter an individual who presents a significant challenge to your personal and professional growth.

He arrives at the workplace uninvited, disrupts your work, and uses aggressive language to suppress your personality.

This is a highly problematic situation. On the one hand, you require his assistance, yet despite being aggrieved and angry, you are hesitant to take any action.

I am concerned that if I establish clear boundaries with him, he may cease providing assistance, as he previously indicated.

Furthermore, I am reluctant to tolerate his bossy and bad-tempered behavior, as it negatively impacts my self-esteem and undermines my value at work.

I am unsure how to interact with someone like this.

I have recently commenced employment and am still becoming acquainted with my duties.

It is a significant challenge to interact with a colleague who lacks boundaries, displays an inferiority complex, and is discourteous on a daily basis.

It is important to challenge and dispel any negative beliefs you may have about this situation.

You referenced your graduation three years ago on two occasions in your description, indicating that you place a high value on your alma mater during this period.

You believe that your confusion and disillusionment will undoubtedly result in a significant performance gap compared to your colleagues.

This line of thinking may not be entirely accurate, but it creates a negative mental message about oneself, leading to the belief that one is incapable and must rely on colleagues for assistance.

Such a mindset will also make you appear insecure, which could attract negative attention from others.

You must possess the ability to work in a top 500 central enterprise design institute.

Believing that the work in the new company is straightforward and that you can master it with time will make you appear more confident and self-assured.

The way others treat you is indicative of their character.

Dealing with such a colleague on a daily basis can have a negative impact on your emotional state. It is possible that his behaviour has caused you to experience distress and self-doubt.

However, the way he treats you is not an indication of your character; it is an indication of his own character.

It is possible that he is experiencing an inferiority complex at work. In order to elevate himself, he may be attempting to prove his worth by encroaching on others' work and displaying a lack of respect for others, which could be a way of covering up his inferiority complex.

It is important to communicate effectively and establish a psychological defense mechanism.

Identify an appropriate time, such as during lunch, to express your gratitude for his assistance at work.

Additionally, it is important to communicate your thoughts and feelings to gain his understanding and support.

Should he intervene in your work again without invitation, you may temporarily leave the room to express your protest.

I am confident that with time, he will learn to work well with you.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker. I'm happy to answer your question.

From what you've said, it seems like your relationship with your colleagues makes you feel disrespected and unappreciated. It's also a source of stress for you because the confidence you've finally regained after years of hard work seems to have been taken away in an instant, leaving you a little panicked and at a loss for the moment.

However, you're a brave person who will try to protect yourself by being "tough" and "hard-headed." This shows that your studies over the years have been successful.

It's important to understand yourself and the other person.

Relationships are all around us, and we're right in the middle of them. Lately, I've been reading books by Hu Shenzhi to figure out how to communicate like a snail, kangaroo, ostrich, or turtle.

☞ Ostrich type

Ostrich-type people only live in their own world and can't see external risks. Because one of the most obvious characteristics of ostriches is that they bury their heads in the sand, I can't see others or myself. When they experience negative emotions or emotions, such as shame, they tend to avoid them.

But ostriches are also very powerful. When they feel that something should be done a certain way, they'll do it very quickly. It's a bit like in a relationship: if he's decided on someone, he'll make a decision very quickly.

As the original poster said, when you need time to think about drawing a picture, he may already be ready to put it into practice, looking confident and self-assured. But when you deal with him in a more forceful manner, he'll back down and avoid you, no longer giving you any pointers.

☞Snail type

Snail-type people tend to be vulnerable and insecure. They often hope that others can help and protect them. They're more likely to please others in relationships or avoid conflicts. They're also prone to passivity, avoid interpersonal interactions, and sometimes feel particularly lonely. They have their own pace and aren't easily compromised. They're more clingy in intimate relationships and rely on each other.

As you mentioned, you see your colleague's behavior as helpful, but you don't like it when he crosses your boundaries and disrupts your rhythm. You want to avoid interacting with him, but you also have to interact with your colleagues at work. It feels like you're caught in the middle and don't know what to do.

☞Kangaroo type

Kangaroo people have this complex about saving. It makes them want to take care of vulnerable people, like raising them in a bag or helping them. A lot of people think that kangaroos are pretty gentle, but they're actually pretty aggressive, and it's all hidden.

☞ Turtledove type

Turtledoves are independent and very capable, a bit like the lone hero. They can get more resources and be more utilitarian in relationships, so they're better at discovering what value the other person brings to the table.

##Past experiences##

In our interactions with others, we can find ourselves caught up in past experiences, whether it's a similar situation or the same emotions. If something from our past has had a negative impact, we'll likely react in a similar way the next time it happens, and we'll probably feel the same way.

I don't know what the questioner has experienced, but I can relate to the feeling of powerlessness you describe when dealing with colleagues. It's as if it reminds you of something.

##How to get along##

1. Learn to separate problems from people. First, ask yourself what you dislike most about your colleague.

Then ask yourself, if this person weren't your colleague but just an ordinary passerby, would you still dislike him?

2. Learn to set stronger boundaries. Your colleague may be treating you this way because he thinks you're not assertive enough. You can try to learn to be more confident and let your colleague know where your boundaries are.

3. Learn to communicate. I think that after a few years of study, you should be able to express your feelings and thoughts to others in a neutral and non-judgmental way.

Just a heads-up, the above represents only my personal opinions. I hope you find it helpful and inspiring!

Thanks so much! ?

Dear Question Asker, After reviewing your correspondence, I empathize with your frustration and sense of helplessness. I want to reassure you that I understand your situation and am here to help. First, let me extend a supportive gesture to convey my understanding and offer assistance.

How should I interpret the actions of this well-meaning colleague?

First, consider the external factors. What actions have you observed from your colleagues today?

You stated that due to the confusion in the initial two-year period, you were unable to gain any knowledge or develop your skills. As a result, you feel that there is a significant gap in your abilities compared to your colleague. You have to seek clarification from him on various matters, and he is eager to assist. However, you find his feedback to be harsh and public, which negatively affects your work environment.

You stated that your colleague will occasionally require your assistance when you are in the process of making a decision, despite your preference to take the time to consider the matter at hand. He will assert that there is no need for further deliberation and, while providing you with assistance, he will deliver a harsh reprimand, which causes you to feel distressed.

You also mentioned that he has a short temper. Last night, when I was preparing the construction plans, he came over and forced his way in to provide advice and assistance. He even became emotional and stated that he wanted to hit me. I could see that he was about to act on his impulse, so I maintained my composure. He became visibly upset and left. Each time I maintain my composure, he asserts that he will refrain from asking me anything in the future.

Secondly, what is your colleague attempting to convey through this behaviour?

If I had to describe your colleague in one sentence, it would be: "Tough-talking on the outside, but a softie at heart!" I believe that your colleague is genuinely trying to be helpful, which is why he keeps coming back to you. However, when he sees that you are not willing to take action, he may become frustrated.

It is possible that these verbal attacks are related to the original family in which he grew up. It may be that his family used this method of communication, which has subsequently been imitated by him.

I am unsure if you concur.

What is the optimal method for communication?

The answer is to listen. In general, people who argue with each other have one of three mindsets: the intention to convince the other person, the intention to vent emotions, or the intention to satisfy their own need to express themselves.

Persuasive individuals often attempt to impose their point of view on others. It is important to remember that the goal is to find solutions, not to create conflict.

In conclusion, it is essential to reflect on your own thoughts and express them accurately.

It is essential to respect the personalities of those with whom we interact professionally. By respecting others as individuals, we can maintain composure and professionalism in the face of conflict.

Secondly, it is important to adopt a holistic perspective when considering the event and the other person, avoiding the tendency to label individuals and situations in an arbitrary manner.

In addition, there are three key steps to take when expressing ourselves. Prior to initiating an argument with others, it is essential to ask ourselves three questions.

It is essential to consider three key questions before a conflict arises.

1. What is the subject I wish to express?

2. What is the desired outcome?

3. What arguments can be employed to support my topic and help me achieve the desired result?

If you are able to answer these three questions, you will be able to express yourself more effectively and accurately. I also recommend the book The Art of Conversation.

I hope this information is useful to you. Best of luck!