A single mother, divorced for nearly 10 years, how can she improve her abilities?

Dear Host, I am also a mother, and I can imagine that as a single mother who has been divorced for 10 years, you really have it hard. You said that your problem is that you are afraid of things and dare not take responsibility. You are like a child who needs protection and wants to find someone to rely on. I would like to suggest that you consider the following: 1. You have been divorced for 10 years, which is a significant period of time. It is likely that you have had to navigate many challenges and have developed resilience in the process. 2. You have expressed that you are afraid of things and that you are reluctant to take responsibility. This is understandable, given the circumstances. However, it is important to recognize that taking responsibility is an essential aspect of growth and development. 3

From my observation, you are a person who is demanding of yourself, very self-disciplined, and very capable of learning. I believe your issue is not an inherent problem, as it is a common inner longing among women. We all want to be loved, accepted, recognized, and have a meaningful life, as well as freedom in wealth and time.

Virginia Satir, the first family therapy expert in the United States, once said that the problem itself is the best answer. Rather than focusing on improving self-control, making behavioral changes, or eliminating the "symptoms" of the problem, consider your life goals, achieve physical and mental integration, and be consistent internally and externally. What you see now is the top part of the iceberg, and below it, you have many of your own inner desires and expectations. When you see your true inner feelings and truly love yourself, you will have the courage to bravely pursue the happiness you want.

Satir's iceberg model states:

1. Behavior - coping model (actions, story content)

2. Coping Styles (Posture)

3. Feelings about feelings – self-worth Feelings (joy, excitement, fascination, anger, hurt, fear, sadness, grief, etc.)

4. Viewpoints – beliefs, assumptions, subjective reality, thoughts, ideas, values (beliefs, assumptions, preconceptions, subjective reality, perceptions)

5. Expectations – expectations of oneself, of others, and from others (including self-expectations, expectations of others, and expectations from others).

6. Desire – love, acceptance, belonging, creativity, connection, freedom, etc. (all humans have a fundamental desire to be loved, recognized, accepted, approved of, to have a purpose, to be meaningful, and to be free).

I wish you success in pursuing your personal goals and the courage to pursue happiness.

Hello!

I can see your problems, I know your confusion and weaknesses, and I'm here to give you a warm hug! It seems that in real life, you really hope that someone will take responsibility for your life. You say you have been divorced for ten years, a single mother. How old is your child now? I'd love to hear how you got through the past ten years!

I'm so proud of you for getting through all of this! How have you managed to get by financially, in your personal life, and mentally? Who have you relied on for support and strength?

You say you want to make changes and improve your self-control. I applaud your courage to want to change. Let's explore together how to achieve counseling-is-about-the-visitors-self-growth-how-so-11743.html" target="_blank">self-growth—it's going to be great!

Now for the fun part! Let's explore the order of self-growth together.

It's time to remove those restrictions!

It's not yet clear what kind of childhood experiences have shaped your current personality and response patterns. But that's okay! This is a process that requires in-depth exploration. A key opens a lock, and only by knowing what your own heart lock is can you get the corresponding key. Deeply understanding yourself, healing yourself and family trauma, and transforming restrictive patterns in relationships with others is a long and professional process. But it's also an exciting journey! Here, it is recommended that you seek professional psychological help.

A sustained and stable counseling relationship is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now to support your transformation!

Find your strength!

Embrace the stability and warmth of a solid counseling relationship. Let go of the stuck energy that's holding you back. Reclaim your strength!

Live out your talents!

From your description, I can tell that you have so much potential! I don't know if you understand your own talents, but you can take some personality type tests, such as MBTI, to understand your talents. Practice constantly to develop your talents. Wait until you can see your own results and your own bright spots. I believe that a sense of control and power will naturally arise. At that time, your problems today will naturally be solved!

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor, and I'm excited to help you! You have the power to be the master of your own life and take responsibility for it. Find a psychological counselor who is a good match for you and embark on the road to transformation today!

Hello, question asker.

You want to improve yourself, but you feel helpless.

Awareness is the beginning of growth. First of all, congratulations on being a person with a good sense of awareness.

You know you are like a child, not daring to take on responsibilities.

You lack inner strength.

Taking care of your child as a single mother for the past ten years has been extremely challenging.

When did you first recognize that you were as weak as a child and that you needed to grow and change?

The past ten years of childcare have been very difficult. You're seeking help because it's the hard work of raising children that makes you seek help.

Or have you encountered many frustrations in real life and only then realized that you have grown?

Also, which specific aspect of self-control are you referring to?

You are not a woman with strong self-control just because you have been a single mother for ten years and have not chosen to remarry.

From a dynamic perspective, you need to understand yourself. Think about:

You chose to become a single mother, not to get married again or find a new partner. Why?

If you want to grow and improve your self-control, you need to set an objective standard for yourself.

For example, you can become more independent from your family's support.

You can and will strengthen yourself independently, take good care of yourself and your child, etc.

I'm going to tell you how to break the deadlock.

The first thing you need to do is lower your expectations.

It is difficult to help you make a qualitative leap in your ability to behave because you are eager to get suggestions and measures from everyone through your own questions.

One must have strong motivation and internal growth to achieve personal growth.

I want to know what is holding you back.

Second, you must be aware of what needs you want to obtain after your self-control has improved. When did you become aware of these needs?

If you need to consider giving more, you must be willing to change.

From a human perspective, it's in our nature to seek out benefits and avoid harm. Making adjustments and changes requires a painful price, but it's a price worth paying.

If you want to improve your self-control and strengthen your ability to act, you will have to face some trauma and make some tough choices.

You must be prepared to work hard and make sacrifices.

For example, you should think about what you would do if you were to face the future of your marriage.

Finally, you must reflect on how well you know yourself. Only by knowing yourself more clearly will you know.

Knowing what you want is essential. Only by having a clear understanding of yourself will you know.

I am counselor Yao, and I will support and care about you until you are ready to face the world again!

Hello. From what you've said, I get the sense that you feel powerless. I'm a psychotherapist, and I'd like to share some insights from a psychological perspective in the hope that they'll be helpful to you.

As a single mother for ten years, you probably feel like you need to be cared for and loved. But in reality, you also need to become strong, take care of your children, and withstand the pressures of life. You feel helpless, but how have you managed to get through these ten years? You still have the strength. Take a good look at yourself. You also have resources. The first thing is to love yourself, which is to give yourself strength. Only when you are strong can you live a better life.

Second, there are your children. You've faced the challenges of your marriage with strength. You and your children love each other dearly. This is also a resource for you, with the support of love!

I'm not sure how old your child is, but I think you're asking for help now because you're facing some separation anxiety. Is it possible that our children have grown up and need to leave you to go to school, making you feel separation anxiety? Is this just a bold assumption on my part?

After ten years of being a mother, you might be ready to focus on your own needs. You're tired and want to find your own support. Expressing your feelings and asking for help is also a resource for you. It's an expression of the strength within you that wants to become a better version of yourself.

How can we become better people? First, we need to learn to express our inner feelings. As mothers, we have a responsibility to support our families, but as women, we also need emotional support! We can start looking for our own intimate relationships.

Second, be yourself, appreciate yourself, understand your strengths and weaknesses, do the things you like, and take care of yourself. When we love ourselves, we become confident, and then we're appreciated and noticed by others. Then you can get the respect and love you want!

Third, find resources. How did you make it through this decade, and who supported and helped you? There should be your loved ones, friends, and people who love you here. Learn to talk, express your needs in front of them, get the help you want, and also give them feedback, be grateful for the encounter, and meet!

Finally, I'm here to help you with professional knowledge and information. I can help you understand if the breakup of your marriage has caused you harm, if you're afraid or worried about entering the next intimate relationship, or if you're afraid of being hurt again. The world and I love you. You have to learn to take care of yourself. Let's do this together!

Hello. I want to give you a warm hug. From your description, I can sense your feelings of powerlessness. You are aware of your shortcomings, but you are unsure of how to change and feel a bit anxious. I understand how you feel, because you are divorced and with each passing day, you feel the need to improve yourself even more.

Single mothers, it is understandable that you long to be cared for and expect love. However, in real life, it is also important to become strong and withstand the pressures of life. You may feel helpless inside, and sometimes you may feel like you could be a princess. When love comes along, it can be challenging to know how to seize it and become a better version of yourself.

★★★ Let's work through this together.

First, you are divorced. I understand that there are many reasons for divorce, and it is not a simple matter to address. However, it would be helpful to identify areas where you feel you could have done better in the marriage, as well as what you gained from it and how much progress you have made.

Secondly, you are at a certain age now, and it might be advisable to wait until you feel ready to welcome love again, given that you have a child. From your description, it seems that you might lack a sense of security, and you fantasize about someone who can protect and love you.

Third, you are eager to improve but may not yet know how. It is encouraging to see that you have come to talk about it, as this is already a positive step. You have ideas and are taking action, but there is still much to learn in reality.

Fourth, it seems that you may lack a sense of responsibility. It's understandable that you're afraid to face things head-on and take responsibility. It's natural to feel insecure when we're faced with challenges. It's possible that this is not entirely your problem, but rather a result of the influence of your family of origin.

If I might offer some advice, I would say that…

If I might make one suggestion, it would be to try to build your confidence bit by bit. You might find it helpful to start with something small and work your way up to it.

Secondly, you may wish to consider going to the gym to help you achieve a more confident body shape. Working out can also help you to feel more youthful, sunny and beautiful.

Third, reading books can be a valuable way to gain insights and learn from the experiences of others. Books can offer guidance on various aspects of life, including how to be a good woman, a good wife, a good mother, and a good woman in the workplace.

Fourth, it may be helpful to try to be yourself, learn to appreciate yourself, understand your strengths and weaknesses, do the things you like, and learn to take care of yourself. When we love ourselves, it could be that others will like and love you more.

Fifth, no matter what you have gained or lost in your marriage, you can take comfort in the fact that you still have your children. While you are working on improving yourself, you might also like to consider taking care of your children's growth. You may find it beneficial to give them love, security, and a sense of happiness, which could contribute to a happier future for you both.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to consider seeking the help of a psychological counselor. They can provide guidance and support in navigating your current situation. We are here to answer any questions you may have, but we cannot supervise your actions.

If I may, I would like to offer you the professional help you need. I care about you, and I believe you would benefit from learning to take care of yourself.