Afraid that her daughter will lose at the starting line like I did, should she continue to be a strict mother?

The questioner, The present is good! Be grateful to have met you.

Your words show me you have good intentions for your child. You want your child to avoid the detours you took.

You do your best to lift your child up, and you know their starting line will be higher than yours and they will run farther than you. You plan for your children's future, and you plan for a long time.

You also begin to realize that your approach is not the best in the long run. Always making arrangements for your child robs them of their ability to be independent and self-reliant.

A child's academic performance is not the only aspect of human development. There is a need for sound personality development, the ability to live independently, good psychological quality and character, as well as interpersonal relationships, etc. Even if a child's academic performance is good for the time being, it is important to consider the bigger picture.

If you focus all your time and energy on studying and neglect other aspects of your child's development, you are slowing down their growth. Let me be clear: "a good university does not equal a good life."

If you've noticed something's not right with your child, it's time to develop their other abilities. Give your child freedom, let them make decisions, and teach them to make judgments and choices.

Our children need to choose their own paths in the future. This ability to choose must be cultivated in them in advance. We and our children are all independent individuals. We need to watch their backs as they leave with tears in our eyes, letting them soar in the sky alone.

We can't replace them. Even if we can help for a while, we still need to let go.

I advise you to educate yourself about family education and psychology. Prioritize your own well-being and ensure your child has the necessities of life. This approach will ensure your child thrives.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful, and I wish you the best!

Dear Questioner, You inquired as to whether you should maintain a strict parenting style in order to prevent your daughter from experiencing the same challenges you did at the outset of her academic journey.

I commend you for considering your daughter's future and for recognizing your parenting style. Awareness and reflection are essential for personal and professional growth.

Let's review your question together.

You indicated that during your high school years, you were preoccupied with reading novels and missed the opportunity to gain admission to a reputable university. You invested a significant portion of your life trying to catch up, and only managed to achieve a level of success that met your expectations.

You have been encouraging your daughter and setting learning goals for her since she was young, concerned that she may not perform as well as you did at the starting line. You have made significant personal sacrifices to spend time with her and have striven to be an authoritative mother.

Prior to attending high school, my daughter demonstrated the expected academic performance and was accepted into the top-ranked institution in the area. However, I have since recognized that she lacks personal objectives and exhibits a passive approach to her studies.

You have read online that a significant number of children experience depression as a result of their parents' strict disciplinary approach. This has prompted you to question whether you should maintain your current strict parenting style.

After reviewing your inquiry, it is evident that your parenting style bears resemblance to that of the prevalent Beijing Haidian mothers of recent times. They likely initiated their children's educational planning from the moment their son was born, engaging in frequent comparisons with others. Is this truly an effective approach? Is it genuinely suitable for all children?

As you have begun to reflect on the issue at hand and question the effectiveness of your current approach, I will present my own perspective for your consideration.

You are an excellent mother.

It is not the case that every mother is willing to give up her career for the sake of her child's future development. Some mothers are not willing to devote themselves fully to their child's physical and mental development, nor do they focus solely on their child or accompany and care for their child wholeheartedly. It is widely understood that being such a mother is not easy. Mothers often have to devote a lot of their own time and energy to taking care of their child in every possible way. If they do something wrong, they may even blame and feel guilty about it. However, such a mother may often not be aware that she has done enough for her child. She has played her role as a mother very well, and occasional mistakes are not a big deal.

A mother is willing to forego numerous opportunities for her own future development in order to facilitate the future development of her child. This is an exemplary display of maternal love, which can also be described as a form of self-sacrifice, self-development, and the prioritization of the child's future over one's own needs. You are a remarkable mother.

Have you ever considered whether the way you are raising your child aligns with their preferences? Does your child have a clear understanding of their own preferences?

Do you know why you feel that your child is passive in their learning? Human nature is complex and changeable. Human nature has many strengths and weaknesses, and each individual has their own personality.

Among human weaknesses are an instinct to seek out benefits and avoid harm, as well as characteristics such as gluttony, laziness, comfort, and a penchant for the good life. If a person has the right conditions and a supportive figure, they may develop a passive, waiting, and reliant personality over time.

She is aware that she does not need to concern herself with issues, that assistance will be provided when needed, and that the individual who is consistently confident will offer guidance when necessary. After years of relying on established routines, she may become passive in her actions and may lack clarity on her preferences.

What is your desired outcome?

The individual's subjective initiative is a critical factor in their professional growth and development.

Individual development is influenced by a number of factors, including education, environment, genetics, and individual initiative. It should be noted that genetics provides the possibility for individual development; for example, it is not possible to teach a dog to write because they do not have the genetic predisposition to do so.

Education and environment facilitate the realization of genetic potential. Our education and environment empower individuals to actualize the genetic possibilities within themselves, enabling them to possess the requisite abilities in practice. Individual subjective initiative is the decisive factor in individual development.

To illustrate, we can guide a cow to the river, but we cannot compel it to drink. Whether it drinks or not is a matter for the cow itself. Given the importance of individual subjective initiative, it is vital to recognise that a child's learning is their own responsibility. Despite our love for our children, we must allow them to take the lead in their own learning. We can provide assistance when they require it.

The renowned psychologist Adler put forth three core themes of an individual: subject separation, trust in others, and contribution to others.

Topic separation means that the person ultimately responsible for a task has the final decision-making authority. While their choices may appear biased, we respect their authority because it is their responsibility. We focus on our own tasks and responsibilities.

Trusting others means that we believe that others are trustworthy and capable of doing things on their own. In this case, it means that you have to trust your daughter. She is capable of planning her own learning tasks, improving her academic performance, and living the life she wants.

Altruistic contribution is defined as providing assistance to others when they require it. In the event that your daughter requires your help with her studies or in her personal life, you can inform her in advance and then provide the necessary support.

I hope my response is helpful. Best regards,

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can sense the internal conflict you're facing. You're a perceptive mother, able to recognize your thoughts and actions in time. How will this affect your child? This is positive.

I know you love your child very much, which is why you're a little worried and scared. This is more due to a period of confusion you once experienced, coupled with the fact that you cannot feel your child's efforts, so you're panicking. You're also afraid that your excessive interference and dominance will bring pressure to your child. Is that right?

You described a period of confusion during school, but you caught up. You worry about your child, but I want to say that as a mother, you have set such a good example, so your child will surely catch up slowly, just like you, and get better and better.

You said the child was quite good until high school, and she is just temporarily confused. You need to learn to trust and accompany her.

You know that being too strict can have negative effects on your child. It's challenging to be a parent, wanting your child to be independent and outstanding while also being aware of the potential influence you have on them.

First of all, it's normal for mothers to worry. But have you ever talked to your child or listened to her? Most parents just worry about their children. Is that the case for yours?

Your child is not unable to keep up with you. That is just how you feel.

You need to spend more time with her and listen to her. That's how she'll be able to tell you anything.

When you feel that your child is slacking in their studies, you need to take action. It's crucial to understand that your child is the one who has to learn, and you are only there to support them.

Guide, trust, and let go. This is how children become independent. You have to become weak. It's not about being strict and strong. It's about becoming weak and letting your children help you. In the process of helping you, your children can grow independently. This is more conducive to their growth.

Finally, seize the opportunity to expand your knowledge by listening to more psychology and family education courses or books. I highly recommend the book Positive Discipline for Families. Regardless of whether you study psychology, family education, or read some books, it will undoubtedly be beneficial. I also want to make it clear that your child will only thrive if you are stable.

Hello! I just wanted to say that I think you're a wonderful mother.

Instead of a mother with many demands and expectations, do you want your child to become a second you, or to become his own self? Whichever you choose, parents, please face your expectations head on.

Education is all about expectations, but it's important to remember that expectations aren't necessarily education. Education is about inspiring, guiding, accompanying, and protecting a child.

But expectations may simply be a way of satisfying the parents' own selfish desires. It's so important to be careful, because if you can't deal with your expectations effectively, you'll hurt your child.

As a parent, it's natural to have expectations of yourself and your children. But what harm can come from not being able to meet them?

First, the child feels like she can't be herself and doesn't know who she is. From childhood to adulthood, she's learned that she should listen to her mother and do what she thinks is right.

I'm sure you'd agree that even if she achieves the so-called success you expect, she'll have lost her true love.

Secondly, children often feel afraid and pressured, and they can become insecure and perfectionists. It can seem to them that the love of parents who have high expectations of their children is conditional, and that they can only receive love if they meet their parents' expectations.

I can see how you might think you were just talking about her grades, but I think it's important to remember how much these grades matter to her. I know it can be hard to see things from your child's perspective, but I think it's important to remember that she sees herself as a whole person, and she's feeling rejected.

So she's really afraid that she'll lose her goodness, and she pushes herself to be perfect. She's full of fear and insecurity.

Third, the child will feel frustrated and have a low sense of self-worth. If your expectations are too high or even impossible to achieve, the child will feel frustrated, which will affect the building of their self-confidence. We all want our kids to feel good about themselves, so it's important to be realistic with our expectations.

This can lead to a negative way of thinking about oneself: "I'm not good enough."

I'd love to know where that expectation comes from in the heart of a parent.

First, it comes from your knowledge and experience. Parents form their own value judgments based on their life experience over the years, and it is easy to think that this is the only standard in the world. Obviously, this is what you are.

Second, it can come from unfulfilled complexes. For example, if you didn't get into a good university, you might regret that and then feel like that's your expectation for your children.

Third, from your own family of origin. Many parents haven't had the chance to learn how to be parents yet, and that's okay! We're all learning as we go. It's not always easy to know how to educate our children in a healthy way, but we can do it together.

It's so important to remember that you can only pass on to your children the views and expectations you learned from your own family.

How can we, as parents, deal with our expectations in a reasonable way?

First, it's important to remember that your expectations are yours and yours alone. This can be a tough one to wrap your head around, but it's so important! It means that you are the one responsible for your expectations.

It's not fair to the child, who has no obligation to fulfill your expectations. The child needs your love and support, including praise, recognition, respect, attention, and love.

Second, it's important to learn how to deal with your expectations. There are often five ways to deal with expectations:

First, let go. No expectations are necessary, my friend.

If you're finding it tough to let go of your expectations, try lowering your demands a little.

Third, you can always find another way to achieve your goal if your child dislikes your expectation.

Fourth, keep this expectation. We all know that many people just can't let go, even if it's painful or sad.

It's also important to remember that this expectation of yours includes what you like, as well as what you don't like and what you can't accept. Your child may not be happy or even suffer, and they may not be able to live up to your expectations. It's okay to accept all of this.

Fifth, come back to your heart and mind. Take a moment to think about why you have these expectations, what you truly long for, and what you truly want.

And finally, remember to love and heal yourself, resolve any unresolved issues from your own family of origin, and avoid continuing to have unreasonable expectations of the next generation.

And finally, it's so important to remember to take care of yourself! It's easy to get caught up in our children's needs, but it's also essential to nurture our own wellbeing.

You are a good mother who loves to learn, reflects on herself, and grows. I am really touched and happy for your daughter.

Don't worry that your child will lose out at the starting line. There are many starting lines in a child's life. If there really is such a thing as a starting line, it should have started when she was an embryo. Let's give a child the chance to compete from the start when they are still an embryo. This is our own inner anxiety as parents. You "were addicted to reading novels in high school and missed the opportunity to get into a good university.

Some painful experiences and fears of "having spent half of my life trying to catch up, just barely living the life I want" have unintentionally amplified the impact of this issue.

Forget about these trivial concerns and concentrate on your own affairs.

You want to be an authoritative mother. American psychologist Baumrind identified four parenting styles based on two dimensions: emotional connection and behavior control. These are authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful, which are also common child-rearing methods in different families.

Authoritative parenting is a parenting style that sets clear expectations for children while allowing them to make their own decisions. Parents who use this style:

⑤ Encourage your child to express their thoughts, emotions, and wishes. When parents and children disagree, they can make decisions together.

These characteristics may seem easy, but in reality, only a few parents can achieve them. You have chosen a difficult task, which shows that you are responsible for your child and have high expectations of yourself.

I understand your worries and fears. Children entering high school require a democratic parenting style. This style maintains respect for children, values their personality development, and creates a growth environment full of love and warmth.

When parents can't make up their minds, they ask their children for their opinions and solve problems together.

A good family education has a profound impact on children. Some say a good mother is better than a good teacher, and I agree. A mother's embrace and tolerance provide the psychological nourishment a child needs to maintain a good psychological state and devote themselves better to their studies.

A good psychological state includes the three main aspects of a child's cognition, emotions, and will. It is clear that you have encouraged her constantly since she was a child and planned learning goals for her. You made the choice to give up many social opportunities to spend time with her, and before high school, your daughter did live up to expectations and was admitted to the best high school in the area.

I have discovered that she lacks her own goals and is passive in her studies. I have read that strict parenting causes depression in children.

I suddenly panicked and wondered if I should continue to be a strict mother. Now that she is in high school, she has her own thoughts and goals. As a mother, you don't have to be too strict with her. You can be her friend by using a democratic parenting method, listen to her psychological needs, protect her from the wind and rain, and guide her along the right path. If you don't feel anxious, she will also settle down. You have to let your child take responsibility for her own future, not for you as a mother. In this way, you will also feel relieved, and so will your child.

Hello! I'm Strawberry!

It's so inspiring to see how many parents want their children to become successful! They start to push their kids when they're still very young. There's even an Internet slang term, "chicken baby," to describe such children.

I guess I just got a bit lazy when I should have been working hard. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like the questioner is not satisfied with her life experience and feels that it has been more difficult than that of her peers. I can understand why she's afraid that her daughter will lose out at the starting line just as she did. It's so important to have learning goals when you're young!

Take a good look at your little one.

Everything seems normal, and the child is also moving in the direction the OP wants. Recently, the OP noticed that the child is very passive and does not have his own learning plan. This discovery made the OP feel a bit worried. After all, there are many children in society who have emotional problems because they are confused and have lost their way.

It's so easy to get used to the arrangements made for us by others, isn't it? But this can also mean that we lose the motivation to make our own arrangements. It can even be a kind of dependence without our own opinions. During the growth process, the child may have had their own opinions and ideas, which are most likely covered up by the questioner's neglect.

It's never too late to realize this, and the questioner can still help the child find the courage to explore the world by spending time with them and changing the way they spend time together. It's so important to observe the child's emotions and behavior more often so that you can understand their situation as soon as possible.

So, what's the best way to guide?

Because of the hardships he has experienced, the original intention of the questioner is to make the child's future life path easier. We never know what the future holds, and we all walk our own paths in life.

I just wonder if that's the path the child wants to follow. Have they told you what they think?

Many parents, unable to accomplish something themselves, will impose this expectation on their children. It's only natural! But once they fall short of their expectations, the parents become more and more anxious. And this anxiety will affect the children, too. It can even subconsciously put pressure on them.

It's often said that parents are role models for their children. And it's true! If we want our little ones to be able to be themselves and move in the direction they want, we as parents just need to set a good example. Only by letting go of our children can they explore the world better. No one can have an easy life. Sometimes encountering setbacks can make children better able to face difficulties.

It's so important to work together as a team!

It's great that the questioner has come to ask a question after noticing her child's problems. This shows that she is aware of the issues between herself and her child. It's time to make a change! The child is already used to depending on the questioner, and the questioner cannot just let the child arrange everything on their own. This would be too big a change for the child to adapt to.

Take it slow and easy in your everyday life, and be there to guide your child in a way that encourages them to ask questions and express their own thoughts and ideas. It's okay if their ideas are different from what you expected — trust your child! When they find their own way to arrange their life and studies, it's a sign that they're already changing and growing.

If they have to choose between physical and mental health and good grades, I truly believe that many parents would choose physical and mental health. But if we use the right methods, they can be achieved at the same time! It's so important to respect your child and get along with them like friends. When children are not stressed, they will be in a better state to pursue their life goals.

I really hope my answer helps the questioner. All the best!

Hello. It's clear from reading your description that you're anxious about raising your daughter. This anxiety is a testament to your love for her.

Your hesitation and panic show your inner conflict. This conflict sometimes comes from standing in the shoes of your child, and sometimes from being a mother. So you feel conflicted and anxious, and this is something every mother who loves her child will experience. We were once children, and now we have become parents ourselves. Having our own children means love is passed on in this process.

The process of accompanying a child's growth often projects many parts of ourselves. The child is like a mirror that reflects the unresolved issues we encountered during our own growth process. Children teach us how to be parents because in being parents, we may gradually shift from the position of being a child to the position of being a parent.

We must put ourselves in our children's position and recognize that they will fulfill our hopes and expectations for their own growth. As parents, we must feel our children's needs and desires and strive to provide the support and environment they need to become who they are meant to be.

The parent-child relationship is a challenging discipline to master, but it is also an art form. Throughout their lives, humans must learn to express love for their parents and children.

It is crucial to understand that in the process of establishing a parent-child relationship, being too close, too indulgent, too strict, or too indifferent can all lead to problems. These problems affect mutual understanding and acceptance between parents and children, leading to tension in the parent-child relationship. Indirectly, this affects the development of the child's ability to establish interpersonal relationships. Each of us grew up in our original family, and we have also become the original family of our children.

Children help us grow and see ourselves better. We must provide a suitable environment for raising children and become a good enough object for them. We must also achieve our own self-fulfillment. To do so, we must see ourselves through our children, grow ourselves, and let our children become themselves.

I am confident that these brief responses in this limited space will be of some help to you!

I can say with certainty that you and your child are both excellent! You've had academic regrets in the past and have seen the importance of knowledge in society.

You want your child to avoid detours, and you're helping her plan to do just that—and it's working well.

You're questioning whether you're doing the right thing, but you are.

Now you are asking:

1. The child has no opinions of her own and is passive in her learning.

First of all, we must understand that when we pin our dreams on our children and expect them to achieve them, they will feel like they are learning for their parents, not for themselves. This will undoubtedly take away their motivation to learn and they will be passively arranged!

Self-directed learning requires a sense of autonomy. When a child feels that they can arrange their own learning content, set their own learning goals, and achieve the goals they want, their interest is stimulated from the inside out, forming a driving force for learning!

Mothers should start with this aspect, allowing children to arrange their own learning content and set goals, and gradually cultivate their sense of autonomy.

Your daughter is very good. She can fully accept your arrangements for her, and she is also very action-oriented.

However, your daughter may have lost her own opinions while being obedient (perhaps she has them but is afraid to express them), and correspondingly has also lost some of her creativity!

The mother should make a change. She should reduce the guidance she gives her child, let her child do things on her own, and support her child to do things on her own. No matter how the child does, she should not criticize.

You need to encourage your child to interact with people and things more, and train them to solve problems on their own through practice!

2. You have read some negative comments online and are wondering whether you should continue to be a strict mother.

From your description, it's clear you're an authoritative mother. How is the relationship between you and your child?

If you can assume that the child is close to you and you can talk about anything, then you are already on the right track.

If your child trusts you and tells you everything, you're doing a great job! Your relationship with your child is healthy.

If your child is not on good terms with you and keeps everything to themselves, you need to take a good look at your parenting style.

Children are going through huge physical and psychological changes now that they are in adolescence. If we continue to use the authoritarian style to discipline them, it will often cause them to rebel.

Parents who truly understand their children must lower their egos and try to understand and respect their children's ideas more!

Every child is an individual, and we cannot control them according to our wishes! It is crucial to remember that, apart from learning, the healthy development of a child's personality is also of great importance.

Finally, chat with your child more. Get to know her thoughts beyond just schoolwork.

Be her friend. Make her feel loved as a person and know that she can do anything, because you will accept her wholeheartedly and make her feel at home, no matter what.

Take your child to more exercise and parent-child activities together. Show her that you value her health as much as her studies.

You will discover that your daughter is even better than you originally thought when you change.

Authoritative parents will only reap rewards from an obedient, submissive child.

A parent who is willing to change for the child can reap a child who is full of inner confidence, innovative, healthy, and happy.

In summary, I am certain you already know the answer!

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei You here.

As a mother myself, I totally get where you're coming from. You love your child so much that you're strict with her because you've already paid the tuition fee of life. You want your daughter to have a better life than you, so you've been "cultivating" your child with an "authoritative" image.

As an authoritative mother, you've done a great job of raising your child. But, like any parent, you might have noticed some negative influences. For instance, your child might not have the ability to lead an independent life or plan for themselves. Some children even become depressed due to the strictness of their parents. It's natural to worry and doubt whether your own education model is correct.

I'm really happy to share and discuss this with you!

1. Your child's life is not determined by their parents.

As you mentioned, you're feeling a bit "afraid" that your daughter might "lose at the starting line," just like you did. It's totally understandable! You mentioned that you were into novels in high school, which might have kept you from going to a good university.

Your life story is so inspiring! It's taught you a valuable lesson: you can win at the starting line.

You must study hard, because as far as you know, getting into a good university = a good life. I believe you, dear reader, have also seen similar reports: every year, a certain percentage of students drop out of university, and even Tsinghua University and Peking University have a 3-4% dropout rate.

It all depends on whether parents can let go of some of those old ideas that might be holding them back. And there are so many ways to help children live a happy life, including studying!

It's so important to remember that having good values, being healthy both physically and mentally, and building good character are more important than getting good grades.

It's so sad to think that there have been lots of cases of students killing themselves at some of our best universities. It makes me think that we as parents need to think carefully about how we bring up our children.

I know you're trying to do what's best for your child, but is the blind pursuit of high scores and prestigious schools really going to make them happy?

2. Everything happens for the best! Be grateful for your timely awareness.

Dear friend, You've already realized and reflected that there are some limitations to your strict parenting style as an authoritative mother. Let's take an example. When a mother faces a depressed child, will she still force the child to study hard?

I don't think so, because right now, kids are more concerned with their health, safety, and ability to survive than they are with their grades.

As you can see, children are very passive learners and don't have their own goals. But as human beings, we all want to know what kind of life we want, live for ourselves, and how to live our own lives. And that's why it's so important for children to have the chance to learn and grow in their own way.

It's so important to let our kids spread their wings and fly away, even if it means they'll fly far away from home. But, we also have to make sure they're ready for that. Do they have the ability to take on the world?

Let's give them a chance to "try and make mistakes" now, when the cost of mistakes is small.

It's so interesting how many adolescents no longer have "rebellion," but they don't know that the rebellious period will come sooner or later, possibly in their career, relationships, marriage, or family.

Everything happens for the best! Last night, I watched "The Hearing Girl" with my daughter. It's a lovely story about a loving deaf family and how the daughter discovers her own path and achieves her dreams.

I really hope this is helpful for you, and for the world! And I love you so much! ?

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click 'Find a coach' in the top right or bottom of the page. I'd love to keep in touch and see you grow and flourish!