After 17 years of marriage, feeling unseen by my husband, how should I communicate with him?

A single sentence, "I'm hungry," can have a significant impact on an individual. It can prompt someone to seek food and expect it to be provided. However, in a relationship, one person often assumes multiple roles, such as grocery shopper, delivery person, vegetable washer, vegetable cutter, chef, plate setter, waiter, and dishwasher. The other person may not contribute to these tasks.

I empathize with your situation. It appears that your spouse treats you as a mere handyman, without truly appreciating your contributions. After years of marriage, you feel consistently disregarded. You are beginning to recognize the deterioration in your own self-esteem.

You feel that your husband does not acknowledge you or hear you. It is intended to be a recreational activity, but you simply wish to play the flute and enhance your quality of life. Consequently, the sound of the door closing is akin to a thunderbolt breaking the silence of the night, causing ripples to suddenly appear in your heart.

Furthermore, you recognize that this kind of discourteous behavior from the other party is not an isolated incident. There may have been numerous instances in the past where the other party has exhibited similar attitudes, including impatience, blame, and a tendency to make you feel self-reproachful.

All of your various feelings of loss and pain are trapped in your throat, preventing you from expressing them.

It is important to note that years of pent-up emotions may not be resolved immediately. This is a process that requires input from both parties, as working on the issue individually may not be as effective. The other person may even feel more uncomfortable because of your anger or various emotions, which can lead to a vicious cycle and a lack of communication.

This lack of communication may ultimately result in a deterioration of the relationship, which is something to be avoided. It is in the best interest of both parties to maintain communication and express their current feelings. It is not about attempting to change the other person or suddenly feeling that things will improve. It is about temporarily refraining from interfering with each other's expressions of feelings and recognizing the positive aspects of the relationship. The relationship will gradually improve, and both parties can engage in counseling together if necessary.

Please advise.

You say you feel unappreciated after 17 years of marriage. You also say you play the flute and it's noisy to your husband.

You say that he has taken courses and has changed a lot, learning to recognize your efforts. However, he still doesn't really see your emotions. You don't know how to express your loss and depression, and you're afraid that he will feel accused and get angry. You ask how to communicate and express yourself.

If he doesn't see the joy you get from playing the flute, but instead impatiently asks if dinner is ready or suddenly slams a door, you will feel like you are talking to a wall, or that you have disturbed him. You will feel that you are only thinking about your own pleasure and are being selfish, and you will feel guilty that you have not fulfilled your duty as a wife to cook dinner. It seems as if your happiness is not allowed, and it disgusts him so much.

You want him to see your emotions, understand your interests, appreciate your playing, and respect you as an independent individual. You are not just a wife who cooks, cleans, and has no needs or space of her own. Allow yourself to revel in your own happiness and do the things you like.

The way to communicate is to tell the truth and express feelings. You can say, "Dear husband, I was playing the flute, and when I heard you suddenly slam the door, I knew you didn't like the sound of my flute. I felt a little sad that I wasn't allowed to play it.

Learning to communicate is about getting along better with each other. It's not about changing the other person to make him treat you the way you want.

You've got this!

Hello, dear question asker!

It can feel like you're not being understood, right?

I feel really bad about not being able to fulfill my wife's responsibilities.

I've been trying to learn to see my emotions, but I guess I haven't quite got there yet. My child and I are often emotionally disconnected, which is something I'm trying to work on.

I'm just not sure how to express my disappointment and depression to him. It often seems like he thinks it's a complaint against him and gets angry.

I think I might not have learned to communicate effectively yet.

You mentioned feeling a lot of emotional loneliness, and you also feel physically uncomfortable. It's so hard when our partners don't take care of our emotions, isn't it? I know you've been living with your husband for many years and you've formed an inherent communication pattern. He's made changes, but they haven't reached the kind of feeling you want yet.

It can be tough to change someone's habits, especially when they're so detailed and insignificant. It's also possible that others might be sensitive to them, which can lead to conflicts. But don't worry! Some changes have already been made, which is a great start. Just give both parties some time to adjust.

Some problems can be brought up so that both parties can see them and deal with them. When long-term needs do not get feedback, it can make communication a bit tricky. It's totally normal to feel unsure about what to say in these situations! Sometimes it's better to just ask for what you want directly.

It's so true that changes happen little by little! And they require a certain amount of patience.

To your child, he is an independent individual with his own pace of life. You've done a great job so far, and now it's time to take care of yourself. Don't worry about thinking too much — you've got this!

Dear question asker,

After reading your question, I sense a certain sadness and helplessness in your words. It seems as though you may be experiencing a sense of helplessness and feeling at a loss, similar to that of an extremely sad child.

From your description, it seems that there are certain details that might be causing some confusion. For instance, when you hear your lover close a door, you feel as though you've been ignored or interrupted. This could be because they were engrossed in something and it was an innocent action on their part. Similarly, the first thing they say when they come home is whether you've cooked dinner yet. This might lead you to feel hungry as well. It's understandable that these situations can cause feelings of self-reproach and self-loathing. It's natural to feel a sense of inadequacy when we feel like we haven't fulfilled our duties as a wife. It's also understandable that you might feel like you're interrupting your lover when you're playing the flute on the balcony. From what you've shared, it seems like you have a good understanding of your lover and their actions. It's possible that you might be too hard on yourself and that whatever they do is perfectly reasonable.

Perhaps you could benefit from being a little more gentle with yourself and allowing yourself the space to make mistakes without feeling as though you are doing something wrong.

You describe feeling as if there is a lump in your chest that you can't get rid of. If there is no organic damage, there is a possibility that this is psychosomatic, which could be caused by long-term depression or other factors.

The questioner is seeking guidance on how to communicate their thoughts and feelings to their husband in a way that is not perceived as angry or accusatory. This question encompasses two key aspects: 1. How can I communicate with my husband in a way that is respectful and understood? 2. How can I ensure that my communication is not misinterpreted as angry or accusatory?

I believe this question encompasses two key areas: communication and self-growth.

Before answering the question, I would like to kindly invite the questioner to consider the following questions:

1. Could you please elaborate on what you expect your husband to do to you, and when he does it, how you feel as if the other person has seen you?

Secondly, could I ask whether your state of mind at that time differs from your current state of mind?

3. How might you have behaved differently at that time than you do now?

4. How might you go about making sure your partner sees you and doesn't ignore you? Is there anything else you'd like to try?

In response to the original poster's question:

1. Communication: Many women enjoy a certain degree of playful banter, such as "I won't say anything, let you guess." When the other person is unable to guess, they may feel a sense of being ignored or misunderstood.

You might find it helpful to refer to the Nonviolent Communication formula: express an observation – express a feeling – state a need – make a request. For example: you observe that when you play the flute, the other person slams doors loudly, and you feel that you are disturbing the other person and feel aggrieved. Perhaps what you really want is for the other person to listen to you properly and let you share your thoughts.

When you express what you want to say, it allows the other person to receive your thoughts and needs, rather than holding back many thoughts and letting the other person guess.

2. Self-growth: From the questioner's question, it seems that the questioner is particularly concerned about her husband's feelings, acting cautiously and carefully, feeling tired and aggrieved, as if she is a little afraid of her lover's accusations, which might make her angry. Then we can ask ourselves, what does that "fear" include?

Could I ask whether these feelings only exist when you communicate with your loved one, or whether they have been there for a long time?

Could I ask you to consider whether you can feel when these feelings reappear? Perhaps you could also think about what happened at those times.

It seems to me that, as in the opening of the question, the questioner may be experiencing a kind of childlike state at certain times. When people enter this state, their feelings and behaviors can often resemble those of children, regardless of their actual age.

In such cases, it is not uncommon for parents to be strict and critical, which can lead children to use behaviors such as agreeing, complying, apologizing, and pleasing their parents in an attempt to gain their approval. People who grow up in such an environment often learn a variety of behaviors from their childhood experiences.

It is worth noting that the strongest emotions experienced in childhood often become the feelings we have as adults. It would be beneficial for the questioner to recall the source of these feelings in their interactions with their loved ones.

3. Self-growth methods: You might consider attending growth salons at local psychological institutions, reading books on spiritual growth, or consulting professionals (you might find the Yixinli platform helpful).

I hope my reply will be helpful to the questioner. I wish you all the best.

Hello! I'm a heart exploration coach, and I'm here to help! I'm free-spirited and warm, and I'm ready to accompany you and listen to your emotional story with a sincere ear.

As a woman, I totally get it! You want to be seen, understood, and accepted. You want the other person to connect with you on a spiritual/mental level.

If these needs are not met, it can lead to some sadness and doubt. But don't worry! This is totally normal. It's just a sign that something needs to change. You might doubt yourself, your marriage, or even your relationship. But don't worry, this is something we can work through together.

Let's start with a warm hug and then dive right in to see what the problem is.

1. The needs of men and women in marriage

Men and women in a marriage have different needs, and it's great that they do! Men need to be appreciated, admired, and appreciated by women, while women want to feel secure, valued, and cared for by men.

As you have expressed it, the desire to be "seen" in the little details of life is the hope that the other person will value and care for you. It's not material things that women want, but the sense of ritual in these life events, such as flowers on Valentine's Day, gifts on birthdays, and wedding anniversaries, to feel that their needs are being met. And it's so exciting to see these rituals being embraced by women everywhere!

Behind those emotions, there's an unmet need. And guess what? You can meet those needs! Your depression, sadness, and self-negativity are actually the result of these unmet needs.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus talks about the fascinating innate differences between men and women. For example, we women pay more attention to the emotional level, while men pay attention to the matter itself.

There was this hilarious video where a guy and a girl were sleeping facing each other. The girl heard the guy sighing with his phone in his hand and started to think irrationally, "Is he having an affair?" and "Did I do something wrong?"

"Finally, the man yelled, and the woman realized that the football team that the man was obsessed with had lost.

This story shows us that men and women think differently and focus on different things, which is why they need to communicate more. Marriage is not about guessing! Check out my article, "You don't say, I don't know, let's not guess," for more on this.

The book The Five Love Languages is a fantastic resource for couples! It helps you identify the love languages of you and your partner in your marriage. Some are verbal, some are actions, and some are companionship. This book is a great way to understand yourself and your partner better!

? 2. How to achieve effective communication

As we mentioned earlier, men and women are different. Even though you have been married for 17 years, there is still so much more you can do to communicate and interact with each other!

Because we are not each other's everything, it means there's room for other things in our lives too! Work, relationships, etc., all require energy. Home is the place where we can relax the most and shed our armor.

Life is really not easy if you still need to rack your brains to figure out what the other person is thinking and feeling. But you know what? You've been married for so long, and you think he understands you, so why doesn't he understand you? And that's OK!

This is why home is the perfect training ground for couples!

Communication affects the quality of our lives, and it is very important in relationships. "Relationships are the whole point of life." "There are no people who cannot communicate, only people who have not yet found a way to communicate with them."

Communication is an amazing process! It's the way we share our thoughts and feelings with each other and with groups of people. When we communicate well, we can all agree on what we're thinking and feel good about sharing our feelings.

Includes:

1. Transmission of thoughts

2. Feedback of feelings

3. Keep thoughts aligned

4. Keep the emotional flow open!

Communication in 5 steps:

1. Seeing and accepting, feeling!

2. Express your feelings!

Let's talk about emotional communication!

3. It's so important to listen to the other person's point of view! You'll discover their deeper needs from their point of view and you'll be able to meet those needs, which is really rewarding!

4. Be sure to express your views and needs, and don't forget to invite the other person to meet your needs if possible!

Express your opinion!

5. Look for a way to come together and find a solution that works for both of you based on what you both need and being honest with each other.

Think about how many decades you still have together! It's so worth the time and effort to communicate. Letters are a great way to do this. I've used them, and you should try them too!

3. Self-growth

"Many people think that the purpose of marriage is to find a rational other half so that they can become a 'complete person,' and they want to use marriage as a way to deal with their own incompleteness and things they cannot solve independently. In the end, they only end up in discord."

We nourish ourselves! Letting go of expectations of the other also means letting go of the torment and suffering we inflict on ourselves.

The relationship we have with everyone, the unmet needs we have not received from each other, and ultimately the relationship we have with our parents—it's all connected! When we heal ourselves, we can finally let go of the unmet needs that have been activated in our relationships.

Embrace solitude and enjoy the peace and comfort it brings! You'll find that he is not far away, expressing his love for you in his own way.

Communication is not about control or changing the other person. Falling in love with the dance of two is like dancing a marriage as a duet, it requires cooperation. Seeing your own patterns gives you the right to choose, and seeing them is already changing—it's an amazing process!

I really hope the above is helpful to you, and to the world! And I love you! ?

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom! I can't wait to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

It would be beneficial to provide comfort to the depressed, helpless, and somewhat self-blaming and resentful you.

First and foremost, it is essential to affirm your desire for the quality of your marriage and your pursuit of self-fulfillment. Seventeen years of marriage is not a short time, and I believe that you have already developed a great deal of tacit understanding and rapport.

It may be the case that some things that are taken for granted have caused each other to be overlooked or ignored. It would be helpful to understand this.

Given that you mentioned that your husband also took a course, it seems that there is a shared commitment to personal growth. It might be helpful to encourage yourself and him in a positive way.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to have more patience and communication skills. It is important to understand that changing the status quo is not something that can be done overnight, especially after many years of marriage.

There is still a long way to go, so it would be helpful to be patient and confident in yourself and him. For example, you could consider communicating with him about the time and place to play the flute and seeing what suggestions he has.

Additionally, it might be helpful to consider doing things together, such as participating in a sport or a musical hobby with your family and children. This could be a way to share joy and benefit from empathy and understanding.

Thirdly, it may be helpful to consider ways of distracting yourself. Perhaps you could focus more on socializing outwardly and participating in similar group activities, rather than focusing only on your family.

Everyone has their own social circles and groups. It might be helpful to try this approach to see if it improves your desire and the degree to which you feel the other party sees you.

I hope you will consider trying the above methods first, as they may help to improve things. I wish you the best of luck.

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