After all the twists and turns, it turns out that the source of the problem is jealousy, and then you feel particularly unfair?

Hello, my name is Zeyu.

The questioner used the word "unexpectedly" in the title, which leads me to believe that the questioner is experiencing some confusion about this situation. It's possible that the questioner himself does not fully agree with this explanation and feels that it's not entirely fair.

It seems that your boyfriend did not answer your question directly and had sex with you, which made you feel disappointed, unloved, and the temperature was not right. For these feelings and emotions, the questioner explained that it was a defense mechanism to refuse contact. When you saw him with another girl, you felt jealous and felt that it was unfair, so you were caught in a dilemma.

From what the questioner has shared, it seems that they may feel that they should not be "jealous" and that they do not deserve it. It also seems that they want to try to convince themselves not to be jealous. However, in reality, they cannot ignore this matter and feel that it is unfair. This has led to a difficult situation for you. The questioner's awareness of their emotions and analysis of the problem show that you are aware of the impact of this matter on you and also have your own views and opinions on how to proceed.

Regarding the point that the questioner is struggling with, it's worth noting that many couples have had similar experiences. It's also important to recognize that our personal emotions of "jealousy" and "unfairness" are not inherently right or wrong, good or bad. It's natural for us to have our own needs and desires to be met.

When our unmet needs are met by others, it can have a powerful effect on us. However, the questioner can clearly realize this, so we can try to actively communicate with the other party to discuss this part.

In addition to seeking support from our partner through communication and negotiation, it may be helpful to consider seeking guidance on the root cause and ways to repair and make up for this part. Treating the symptoms and the root cause could potentially contribute to personal growth and the development of the intimate relationship.

I hope that the original poster will be able to achieve their desired outcome and resolve this situation to their satisfaction.

Hello, question asker.

I give you a warm hug and applaud your deep awareness. Your intense jealousy has a long history, but this incident has allowed you to see yourself clearly, which is a kind of gain on the path of growth. Seeing is healing. A wound is where the light of the sun shines in. Through the wound, the darkness within us can be illuminated. The sun is very warm, isn't it?

Let me tell you about jealousy.

Jealousy is the inner activity of hating people who are better than oneself because they are not as good as others. It may seem like self-protection, but it actually reveals one's own inner weakness and narrow-mindedness. Its essence is deep-seated inferiority. The questioner is bothered by the fact that your boyfriend has never been as enthusiastic as he is with other girls. They can be treated like this, and this kind of love is something you have never experienced before and have never received from anyone.

Your boyfriend has harmed you, and you have come to view this as a kind of gift. You were right in your feelings after having sex: sex does not create intimacy, nor does it create love, nor does it have any warmth.

I empathize with you, and I hug you for not knowing how to love yourself. As a woman who has grown up with birth trauma, emotional neglect, and in an atmosphere of male superiority, I understand your strong inferiority complex, your lowliness in love, and that strong sense of unworthiness.

We teach ourselves how others treat us.

Our brains have a set of nervous systems that are specifically designed to understand and respond to other people's social signals. You knew that the other person didn't love you and that they didn't know how to respect you, yet you still met with them and had a relationship with them. This is a self-abasing approach, plain and simple. And for those girls who showed great enthusiasm and attention, it's because they were more reserved and arrogant than you. Their ex-boyfriends couldn't get to them as easily, so they showed that kind of respect and attention.

You have released the signal "welcome to hurt me" to others and misinterpreted the social messages sent by others, which has led to today's situation. You will let this situation strengthen your view that you are not good enough and not worthy of being treated well by others. This is the growth path of a proper "scum-harvester."

You are good and kind, and your inner self is a rich mine worth exploring and discovering. You deserve to be cherished and protected like a proud princess, and to be held in the palm of your hand. You just need to take responsibility for nurturing your inner child, rather than relying on a scumbag to meet your need for love.

[Nurture your inner child]

Psychologist Cong Fei, a teacher, has a very easy-to-understand and down-to-earth book called "Nurturing Your Inner Child" that I highly recommend you read. It will teach you how the need to find security, a sense of worth, a sense of meaning, and a sense of intimacy in others is generated, and how you should achieve growth through self-fulfillment.

We are afraid, anxious, and feel helpless. We worry and cannot control our feelings and emotions, which erode and consume us. We think these feelings are bad and cannot get rid of them. We are isolated, feel helpless, seek help, long for intimacy, and long for intimacy to help us solve these problems.

If you enter an intimate relationship with such a need, you will be disappointed again and again. You will fantasize that you have met the wrong person, but you don't know that.

The truth is clear: if you can't love yourself, you will have a special need for the other person to love you. If you can't accept yourself, you will have a special need to be accepted by others.

Mr. Cong provided a clear solution to intimacy suffering: identify your emotional needs, recognize the underlying causes of your intimacy issues, practice self-care, and prioritize self-love.

Our parents treated us wrong when we were young, filling us with a sense of inadequacy and wrong expectations of intimacy. We can and will learn to nurture ourselves after we have grown up.

The fact that the questioner was able to ask a question on the Yi Xinli platform is the first step in nurturing oneself. This is a brand new journey. There is no doubt that through the knowledge of psychology and the establishment of a counseling relationship, a magnificent transformation and perfect metamorphosis can be achieved.

My name is Zhang Huili, the Sunshine Dolphin. I am here to help you. I am certain that you will soon enter a counseling room and meet your true love.

Hello! I'm a coach at Xin Tan, and I'm here to help. I can see that you've been through a lot, but I'm confident we can work through this together. It seems like your main issue is that after everything that's happened, you're feeling particularly jealous. Is that right?

I can see that your ex-boyfriend didn't respond positively to your problems. Then he went to see you, you had sex, you felt a sense of loss, that you weren't loved, the temperature wasn't right, and then it seemed like an instinctive defense to prepare to stop seeing each other. But then you saw him being enthusiastic about other girls, and suddenly jealousy came over you. I can see that it was jealousy because he had never paid so much attention to you, never been so good to you, you had never had this kind of treatment, you felt particularly unfair, the love he gave to others had never been given to you. I can see that you fell into a complex of emotions of jealousy, anger, grievance, sadness, disappointment. I can see that you are in pain.

1⃣️ Source of Jealousy

It's totally normal to feel jealous or resentful when you think others are better than you.

It's totally normal to feel jealous sometimes. But where does the jealousy in the questioner come from? It often comes from having desires and comparisons within you.

It's totally normal to want to receive love from intimate relationships, to be treated warmly and passionately. We all need to receive love and attention from the outside world, and it's only natural to want to gain a high sense of worth and high self-esteem by comparing yourself to others.

If you feel like other people are getting more than you are, it can really knock your confidence and make you feel like you're not worthy of love.

From a cognitive therapy perspective, you might have a core belief that you're not lovable.

This core belief then leads to another belief, which is that if your ex-boyfriend treats other people better than you, it means you're not good and you're not worthy of love.

And from this, some other thoughts start to pop up, like "My boyfriend is really excited about other girls, but not me. I guess I'm not as good as other people."

I just wanted to say that the example I gave might not necessarily be totally relevant to what was going on with the questioner. It might be a good idea for the questioner to think about what beliefs are behind their emotions and thoughts.

When you're feeling down, it can really help to keep a record of your thoughts:

1⃣️Write down what happened, when and where, without judgment.

2⃣️How are you feeling? Let's use some emotional words to express it, like anger, sadness, or pain.

3⃣️I'd love to hear what you think when these negative emotions arise (this is your automatic thinking, which links events to your own emotions).

Practicing the Thought Record Sheet regularly can really help you understand yourself better. Some of our thoughts are a bit negative, and we can work on making them more positive to help us feel better.

2⃣️Be kind to yourself.

The questioner felt that her ex-boyfriend wasn't as warm and caring as she'd hoped during intimate acts, and that he didn't love her. So, she instinctively defended herself and decided to stop seeing him.

I can see that you are very sensitive, my dear. When you feel that the other person does not love and pay attention to you, you decide to withdraw your affection and devotion, and act with respect for your own heart. This is an appropriate coping strategy, and I'm here to support you through it.

It's totally normal to feel jealous when you see your ex-boyfriend treating other women better than you. It's only natural to feel a bit unfair about it. It's okay to feel a little out of balance and resentful.

It's totally normal to feel this way! It's often caused by unmet desires and comparing yourself to others.

It's okay to dwell on your jealousy for a while. Try to distinguish whether your resentment comes from feeling that you can't get what others get, or whether it comes from the fact that you still have feelings for your ex.

Take a moment to be more aware of yourself and your feelings. This will help you to understand whether your feelings are really about love or something else.

3⃣️ Accept that you can't get what you want, sweetheart.

It's only natural to feel a bit unfair when you see that your ex-boyfriend has given someone else something that he didn't give to you. After all, he has never paid you so much attention, never been so good to you, and you have never received such treatment from him.

People are so interesting! They can come across differently in different relationships. And the level of commitment each person has in a relationship also varies.

Intimate relationships are a beautiful process of two people working together, each treating the other with love and respect, based on their own needs and the needs of the other.

It's so important to remember that what you get in your relationship is only a part of what he gives, not the whole.

It's so important to remember that love is not an exchange of equals. Just because you give more doesn't mean the other person will give back the same.

It's also important to remember that each relationship is different. Your ex-boyfriend may have treated that woman better than you, but he may not treat another woman as well as you. The amount of love a person gives in different relationships also changes, and it changes with their own emotions and growth.

It's okay! Just because you didn't get what others got doesn't mean you're bad or unlovable. Try to accept what you didn't get in this relationship. The actions and attitudes of others in the relationship are uncontrollable and beyond your control.

It's so important to understand what went wrong in a relationship, and to learn from it. You can find out what problems there were in the relationship with your ex-boyfriend, and which were his and which were yours. You can also ask him for feedback on what problems there were in the relationship, and how you can make yourself happier and more content in the next relationship.

In love, it's so important to be sensitive to your own needs and to your partner's needs too. When we meet each other's needs, love can grow in a happy and stable way.

If you'd like to chat some more, just click below to find a coach to interpret, choose a heart exploration chat partner, and communicate with me one-on-one. I really hope you find a happy love and wish you all the best!

There are likely numerous reasons why the other person has become your former romantic partner. You may not be compatible in certain ways, and there may be discrepancies in your values or personalities. Despite the challenges, you were unable to reconcile, and it has become evident that even when the other person visits, he will take advantage of you. You still have significant expectations and reservations about him.

Given the high expectations you have of him, it is understandable that you feel lost and hurt when he does not meet those expectations. It is important to recognize that there is a discrepancy between your expectations and reality. This discrepancy can lead to negative feelings of jealousy and hurt, which can in turn make you feel negatively about the world.

It is important to recognize that the other person may not be able to provide what you expect, but they may be able to provide it to other people. This may also lead to feelings of inferiority, such as a sense that you are not as good as other people. This can result in a negative feedback loop, where you repeatedly reflect on and rethink past events. This is not a productive approach, nor is it a good starting point. It is essential to address this issue promptly and effectively.

It is important to recognize that not everyone is suitable for a romantic partner, and not everyone will value you as much as you deserve. This understanding can help you avoid getting too involved with someone who may not be right for you. Given that he is already your ex-boyfriend, it may be best to move on from the relationship and avoid further entanglement. It is crucial to recognize that he may not be able to provide you with the level of commitment and respect you deserve.

When you sense your jealousy rising, it's important to recognize that this emotion can be destructive. It's not reasonable to expect this individual to treat you with respect when they are unable or unwilling to do so. It's essential to maintain your own sense of self-worth and to recognize that this person is not worthy of your love and respect. While the world is inherently unfair, we have the power to set boundaries and to treat others with fairness and respect within the limits of what we can allow.

It is therefore advisable to avoid forming a relationship with someone who does not value you. Such an association is not worth the effort. Furthermore, it would be beneficial to seek psychological counseling in order to achieve inner peace and balance, as a positive relationship can have a positive impact on one's personal development. I would also recommend reading "Why Love Hurts," "Attachment: Why We Love So Meekly," and "Intimacy: Rediscovering Yourself."

Please advise.

Good day, I am writing to inquire as to whether I am the individual identified as "strawberry."

The ex-boyfriend's response to the original poster was not interpreted correctly. As an ex-boyfriend, meeting with the original poster and pursuing a relationship with her would lead people to believe that the ex-boyfriend still has feelings for her.

The attitude in question is unclear.

From the questioner's description of her ex-boyfriend, it can be seen that she still cares about him. This is evidenced by her willingness to engage in sexual intercourse with him. In her own way, the questioner is communicating to her ex-boyfriend that she still has feelings for him.

However, the ex-boyfriend's behavior does not indicate that he has a genuine interest in the topic master. Sexual intercourse appears to be a means of satisfying his own desires or inflicting pain upon the topic master. Otherwise, he would not be so eager to pursue other women after having sexual intercourse with the topic master.

This ambiguous attitude on the part of the former romantic partner is a calculated strategy designed to encourage the questioner to maintain hope while simultaneously conveying the message that the former romantic partner does not require the questioner and is also highly sought after by others. This behavior may also be related to the previous relationship.

It is essential to accept the reality of the situation.

The fact that the questioner refers to him as an ex-boyfriend indicates that the relationship is in the past. It is evident that he does not cherish the questioner, as evidenced by his treatment of her and other girls. He is not inconsiderate; he simply does not care about the questioner.

An ex-partner who is unable to demonstrate consideration and respect for the original partner will inevitably lead to feelings of sadness and distress in the original partner. The original partner may continue to invest emotionally in the relationship, yet the return they receive from the ex-partner may be ridicule and disregard.

Given that the dissolution of the relationship is now a definitive event, it is important to allow yourself sufficient time to process this information and accept the reality of the situation. Refraining from dwelling on the positive aspects of the past relationship may prove beneficial in facilitating this transition. Instead, it may be helpful to focus on the underlying causes of the breakup and the issues that led to its conclusion.

It is important to find ways to relieve oneself.

When confronted with the dissolution of a romantic relationship, it is natural to experience a range of negative emotions, including sadness and hurt. During this challenging period, it is crucial to prioritize self-care and self-love. It is important to recognize that the sadness and distress you are experiencing are a direct result of the relationship and not a reflection of your ex-partner's feelings.

It is important to seek out sources of support, whether that be friends, family, or other individuals with whom one can communicate openly and honestly. Talking can help us release our emotions. The more we dare to face and express them, the faster the sadness will pass.

It is beneficial to allow oneself to cry when experiencing intense emotions. This does not indicate a lack of strength or efficacy. When one is overwhelmed by emotion, it is important to acknowledge and release those feelings.

It is recommended that one engage in physical activity to help alleviate feelings of sadness. This can be achieved by listening to music that one enjoys while exercising at a pace that is comfortable. The act of perspiration can help to improve mood. After exercising, it is advised to take a hot shower to further enhance relaxation.

It is unwise to retain hope for someone who is irremediable and to offer the other person further opportunities to cause you harm. It is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to the questioner.