After having relations with my boyfriend, I am afraid of being regarded as unsuitable. What should I do?

Good day, My name is Jia Ao, the Heart Exploration Coach. I am not seeking any particular outcome from this interaction.

I have carefully read the problems and confusions you described on the platform. Are you experiencing difficulties in your relationship? You stated that you and your boyfriend have had sex two or three times, and you have been experiencing significant internal distress due to concerns about being perceived negatively. You only agreed to have sex with him after he repeatedly pressured you. You are unsure of the best course of action.

This is a fairly common issue, but I sense that you are relatively traditional in your views on it. This may be related to the education you received as a child, but it is important not to dwell on it alone. If you have any questions or concerns, you can discuss them with your partner. It is important to communicate openly and honestly with each other.

Assist in the analysis and organization of relevant information.

1. Accept your emotions as they are.

Firstly, it is important not to blame or feel guilty excessively. It is unavoidable that certain behaviours will occur when two people are in a relationship. If the behaviour is mutually agreed upon and the safety measures are appropriate, there is no cause for concern. If you feel you have done something wrong, it may be because your understanding and values of this kind of behaviour differ from those of your family, cultural and religious backgrounds. This is a common occurrence. It is important not to become overly stressed. Many people have experienced this kind of situation and it is not an isolated incident.

2. Establish effective communication and interaction.

Should you still feel uneasy or worried, you are encouraged to be honest with your boyfriend and tell him your true feelings, what you are thinking inside, and what your concerns are. You can talk about all of this with him, which will help you communicate and understand each other better and also promote the continued progress of your relationship, avoiding further anxiety and unease on your part. Even if the other person takes the initiative, it is still inseparable from your willingness.

3. Maintain a sense of boundaries.

It is crucial to maintain an appropriate distance, regardless of the level of intimacy in the relationship. Both parties should establish boundaries and limit unnecessary contact and communication. This is essential even in the most intimate relationships. While maintaining closeness, it is vital to ensure reasonable space and freedom for both partners to avoid feeling suffocated or restricted. Additionally, interactions on social media should be minimized to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. This approach fosters the most comfortable and productive environment.

4. Cultivate mutual respect and understanding.

It is essential to respect each other's freedom and choices, and to avoid undue interference or interruption, even in the context of a long-term relationship. Each individual is entitled to their personal autonomy and will not alter their fundamental nature significantly. The decision to be in a relationship is based on a mutual love and respect. It is crucial to accept and respect each other's decisions and opinions, even when they differ from your own. It is also essential to adjust your own perspective and resolve internal conflicts. The key is to approach the situation with an open mind and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives.

The questioner is right to say that after having sex with her boyfriend, she has been experiencing internal conflict. This is a psychological state caused by internal conflict, and the conflict lies in the subconscious belief that premarital sex is bad, but she has done it anyway.

I'd like to draw your attention to a few points that we should look at more closely.

1. The general environment in which you live is one in which conservative and even repressive sexual values are accepted. In particular, premarital sex is considered very bad, and there is also the worry that one partner in a future marriage may care about this. This long-term environmental influence has been deeply written into the subconscious.

2. It's normal for young people to be curious about sex, and when they're constantly pressured by their partners, they often end up agreeing to it. I see it as a bit like a child who ate an apple at home but was repeatedly tempted by someone else.

It's important to view sex in the right light.

1. Sex is a normal, physiological need for humans, just like eating and sleeping.

2. Sex is both a physiological need and an emotional expression of emotional development to a certain extent. Sexual communication naturally occurs when there is emotion first, which is neither illegal nor immoral, so there's no need to overthink it.

3. It's still important to pay attention to protection and make sure you don't cause yourself any physical or mental harm.

4. The general environment is lacking in terms of sex education, but there are now plenty of relevant books out there. It's still important to read up on the subject or get sex knowledge from normal channels, including physiology, psychology, disease prevention, etc.

In short, times are changing, and so are people's attitudes. There's no need to be stuck in the past. At the same time, taking the initiative to learn relevant knowledge is a good way to protect the body and mind.

Question owner: Hello.

From the description of the questioner, it is clear that they are experiencing fear and distress caused by this emotion and are seeking a way to get rid of it as soon as possible.

The reality is that it is not the event itself that affects us, but our attitude, perceptions, and thoughts about the event.

Let me be clear: how we feel about something depends on our thoughts.

Knowing that our mood is influenced by our thoughts and perceptions makes it much easier to solve it.

Second, you should engage in self-dialogue. Ask yourself what you feel is wrong about yourself.

Write down the question and read some classic books, such as "Intimacy" by Roland Miller.

It is strongly recommended that the questioner read some classic texts. This is because some public accounts and news media demonize sex, and few people can accept serious, scientifically verified knowledge about sex.

Then write down the question again, answer it, and think about it. Is this bad behavior something you're doing because you think it's okay, or because you don't know any better?

Ultimately, this is personal advice. If it doesn't work, you should seek professional help.

Dear question asker, I empathize with your inner turmoil and distress.

The act of engaging in sexual intercourse with one's romantic partner can precipitate a profound state of distress and self-reproach, accompanied by the apprehension of being perceived as unworthy or flawed. This psychological burden is a disheartening phenomenon.

I comprehend the rationale behind your apprehensions, as societal perspectives and expectations regarding sexual conduct frequently exert considerable pressure and impose constraints on individuals.

First and foremost, it is imperative to understand that sexual intercourse is not an indicator of an individual's character. Each person is entitled to make their own decisions, provided that they are founded upon the principles of legality, morality, and mutual consent. In this context, there is no absolute right or wrong.

It is imperative to understand that this is a private matter and that you have the right to make decisions that align with your personal values and beliefs.

Nevertheless, I can also comprehend your concerns. In traditional concepts, women are frequently expected to adhere to a specific standard of "purity," which can exert considerable pressure on women.

It is important to note that the decision regarding the use of one's body is a personal one. One's value is not contingent on whether or not they have engaged in sexual intercourse. Rather, it is determined by an individual's character, abilities, and kindness.

Furthermore, I am deeply disconcerted by your reference to "being repeatedly brainwashed by your boyfriend." Any form of coercion or manipulation is wholly unacceptable.

In the event that you feel that you have made this decision involuntarily, it is imperative that you assert your rights and interests.

It is also recommended that greater attention be paid to one's own inner feelings and needs. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether there is a genuine desire to maintain the relationship.

It is essential to ascertain whether this is a decision you truly wish to make. Consider the following questions carefully and make a decision that is genuinely aligned with your heart's desire.

It is not uncommon to experience feelings of loneliness and helplessness during this process. However, it is important to remember that you are not alone.

There are numerous individuals who are willing to listen to your narrative and provide assistance and support. You have the option of disclosing your emotions to intimate acquaintances or family members, or alternatively, you may opt to seek the guidance of a mental health professional.

This will assist in the resolution of the issue and the attainment of inner peace and strength.

In conclusion, it is important to reiterate that your value as a human being is not contingent on whether or not you have engaged in sexual intercourse. Rather, it is determined by your intrinsic worth and the unique qualities that define you as an individual.

It is imperative to value your body and mind and to make the decision that you believe is the most appropriate.

In reference to the subject of "internal conflict," it is important to acknowledge that this is a challenge that many individuals face. When there is a discrepancy between our chosen course of action and our internal beliefs or expectations, internal conflict and struggle can ensue.

It should be noted, however, that the process of maturation is one of continuous learning and exploration. Errors in judgment and periods of uncertainty are, in fact, opportunities for growth; therefore, they should not be feared.

To alleviate this internal conflict, it is recommended that greater attention be paid to one's inner needs. It is also advised that an effort be made to comprehend one's authentic thoughts and emotions, rather than being unduly influenced by external factors.

Additionally, relaxation techniques such as meditation and yoga may be beneficial in promoting relaxation and fostering a deeper understanding of one's inner self.

Additionally, disclosing one's emotions and uncertainties to a reliable individual can be an effective approach. Such a person can offer diverse viewpoints and recommendations to assist in more effectively addressing the issue at hand.

Discussing and exchanging ideas can serve as a form of therapeutic intervention.

Ultimately, it is my hope that you will be able to comprehend the following: each individual possesses a unique rhythm and trajectory of growth. It is imperative that you refrain from being excessively critical of yourself or of comparing yourself to others.

It is of the utmost importance to attend to one's inner needs and to recognize that growth is the primary objective. As long as one is firmly grounded in their beliefs and values, they should make the choices they believe to be right and work assiduously to implement them.

Regardless of the result, it is imperative to accept it with an open mind and to confront the potential challenges and difficulties that may arise in the future.

In the forthcoming days, it is my hope that you will be able to confront the challenges and difficulties of life with greater confidence and courage. Regardless of the problems you may face, I encourage you to have faith in your own abilities and to persevere in your efforts to find solutions.

Furthermore, it is my hope that you will be able to maintain a kind and tolerant disposition towards all people and things in your life.

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Hello. You said you had sex with your boyfriend half-heartedly.

But your lack of confidence and insecurity will make you feel bad. This makes life difficult for you. I'll give you a warm hug from afar.

In traditional Chinese culture, girls don't become overly sensitive until they've had intimate contact. Once they have, they become more invested in the relationship, especially if it's their first time. They become more dependent and clingier, and they care more about what others think.

You will feel insecure and like a bird with its feathers ruffled.

You might think about being dumped and then meeting someone new and worrying about being dirty.

How do we regulate bad emotions? I have suggestions. I wish you happiness every day.

1. Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel.

Express your emotions. It helps to have someone listen to you.

2. Use exercise or meditation to regulate. Our body and mind are connected. When we move, our emotions flow.

3. The opposite of the second point is to calm down and relax. This helps you understand your emotions and think about other things.

4. Get professional psychological help if you are feeling too stressed to work, study or live normally.

Hello there!

I can see how you feel, reading your description.

First, I just wanted to check in about your current dilemma. You mentioned that you agreed to have sex with him only after he repeatedly brainwashed you. I just wanted to make sure I understood you correctly.

Even though there's no pressure or manipulation, you're still feeling reluctant. It's like being brainwashed, but in a good way! You're being tempted to engage in sexual activity. And it's important to remember that this can be viewed from two perspectives: age and educational environment.

First, let's talk about age.

If you're around eighteen, this kind of induced sexual behavior is basically considered a crime. It's important to notify a guardian or call the police to deal with it.

If you're between 20 and 30, this could be a totally normal thing to do. It might even be a bit of a "what the heck, let's see what happens" kind of thing, like when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit.

Secondly, we have the topic of education.

In the traditional education model, women aren't allowed to have sex with men before marriage. But science has also made some really interesting explanations! It's still recommended that women's bodies be satisfied after the age of 18, as sex before then can be harmful.

In this case, traditional educational concepts can sometimes feel a bit too repressive, and it's easy to be tempted or bewitched.

Secondly, you wrote in the description: "I had sex with my boyfriend two or three times, and it was always very draining. I'm afraid of being considered bad." It's totally normal to be afraid of being considered bad when you're just starting out in a relationship. In terms of responsibility, generally speaking, sex should only happen after marriage. But nowadays many men and women will have sex during the course of their relationship. This is because the two are rushing towards marriage, and since they already have the idea of building a marriage together, it is also normal to satisfy their physical needs in advance. In reality, love and marriage are two different stages. It is rare to be able to successfully transition from love to marriage. So, in a sense, having sex is not a mistake. It may be that the behavior that could have happened in the past has been brought forward.

I'm here to offer some friendly advice.

1. It's okay, it's already happened. You don't need to dwell on whether it was right or wrong. Whether the behavior was right or wrong, it's in the past.

2. If you're rushing towards marriage, don't worry! Your behavior isn't wrong. From this moment on, it's important to adjust your mentality. Think about your feelings and learn to say "no" when you need to.

I just wanted to say that the above content is for reference only.

Hello.

I understand your situation. It's normal to feel guilty and afraid of being judged after a sexual relationship, especially when it's not based on free will and mutual consent. You've been through a lot.

There are a number of potential reasons for these feelings.

Moral values are in conflict. We live in a society full of moral values, and people often have various views and standards for judging sexual behavior. When our actions conflict with our own or others' moral values, we must recognize that we are not to blame.

The impact of self-awareness: A sexual relationship is an intimate and in-depth relationship that may give us a new understanding of our identity and value. When you feel that the relationship is not truly voluntary, but is influenced by some kind of "brainwashing," you have every right to question your decision-making ability and feel self-negativity.

The influence of external pressures: Society has diverse views and evaluations of sexual behavior. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and unease when we worry about being judged by others for our behavior.

Based on my personal experience and knowledge, I'm going to give you some advice.

Accept your feelings. They are perfectly normal. Allow yourself to feel them and understand and accept them.

Take control of your life by building a healthy self-image. Sort out your values, needs, and expectations to gain a clear understanding of who you are and what you want. This will empower you to make informed decisions.

Seek support. If you feel you cannot cope with these emotions on your own, get professional psychological counseling or support. A counselor can help you better understand your feelings and provide some effective coping strategies.

Building a healthier sexual relationship is possible if your relationship with your boyfriend is based on mutual consent and understanding. Respect each other's wishes, pay attention to each other's feelings and needs, and maintain open and honest communication.

You must understand that sexual relationships are a very personal experience, and everyone's feelings are unique. It is crucial to learn to respect your own feelings and needs and make decisions that align with your values.

Follow your heart. Find the way that suits your heart. Move forward with determination. Believe that you will make life better and better. The world and I love you!

Hello, my name is Strawberry!

It's totally normal for human sexual desire to be an instinctive behavior. In an intimate relationship, sex is a way to safeguard the relationship, but it needs to be based on the mutual consent of both parties. It's totally understandable to be unable to control oneself when one is deeply in love!

It all comes down to those old ideas that we've been taught.

The questioner has had sex with her boyfriend a couple of times. They really like each other and their relationship is totally normal. It's totally normal for a man and a woman to be intimate with each other. But it's caused the questioner some internal conflict and fear of being judged by others.

We all have different levels of acceptance of sex education because we've been influenced by different concepts. When we were young, for example, our parents and teachers told us that girls couldn't play with boys, couldn't talk to them, and weren't allowed to have physical contact. They were trying to prevent children from falling in love too young, but children didn't understand the real reason for these so-called "no" behaviors of their parents and teachers. They could only obey blindly and ignorantly.

This lack of sex education affects more than just children's socialization. It also shapes our perception of sexual behavior. Once a man and a woman have sex, the woman will often face negative comments like being unfaithful or immoral. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to be tolerant. It's important to recognize that, in addition to a correct understanding of sex, these attitudes are influenced by the old concept of male superiority and female inferiority.

How can I get myself out of this internal conflict?

It's totally normal to have different views when you're getting to know someone new. It's all about finding the right solution together!

☀️ Correct understanding: Due to the lack of sex education, we will have limitations on the degree of intimacy we accept. For example, our parents have always instilled in us that we can only have sex after we get married and become husband and wife, so during a relationship we will not allow our partner to have intimate physical contact with us, in order to prevent a level of intimacy that we cannot accept.

We can learn about sex in a proper way, accept that we have sexual needs, understand that sex is as normal as eating, and that having sex with a partner is an expression of love. We can stop labeling ourselves negatively and slowly emerge from the state of internal conflict.

It's so important to understand yourself. After having sex with her boyfriend, the questioner believes that she was brainwashed by her boyfriend before she behaved in this way. It's totally understandable! It's only natural to feel like you're not yet able to accept this degree of intimacy in a relationship. This is what the questioner has convinced herself.

It's so important to understand yourself from the perspective of internal conflict. If the questioner is sticking to her principles and clearly rejecting her boyfriend's demands every time, then I truly believe the boyfriend will respect the questioner and have sex after the boyfriend's so-called "thinking." Has the questioner ever considered cooperating with her boyfriend even though she knows she will be internally conflicted?

Could it be that behind this kind of cooperative behavior is the fear that repeatedly rejecting her boyfriend will cause him to change his love for her? Or is this behavior the result of the questioner's own efforts to preserve this relationship that she values?

Take a moment to reflect on the question and tune in to your heart's wisdom.

☀️Boost your self-confidence: Giving for love is a great way to protect a relationship, but this kind of giving can sometimes make you feel a bit troubled and drained, affecting your emotions and normal life. To help you out, in addition to gaining a correct understanding of sexual knowledge, it is also a great idea to improve your self-confidence.

We all learn on the path of love. Those of us who don't know how to love can only figure it out by spending time with our partners and find the way of getting along with each other that we think is right. Not knowing how to love can lead us to protect our relationship in the wrong way, but we can learn and grow together!

When you feel good about yourself, it's easier to say "no" to your partner when they do things you don't like. And you'll feel less worried about upsetting them. One way to feel good about yourself is to tell yourself nice things every day. Think of all the good things you do and say. You'll feel better about yourself when you do this.

I really hope my answer helps the questioner. Wishing you all the best!

Hello, I'm Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who can make images speak!

The questioner had sex with her boyfriend several times after he had brainwashed her repeatedly. She felt guilty afterwards, worrying that she would be seen as a girl who does not love herself. I can understand your distress, which actually stems from deeply-rooted moral constraints. But you can overcome these constraints!

It's time for a change! For too long, sex education for girls has focused on the levels of permission, prevention, and protection. But we can do better! We need to recognize women's desire and right to sexual pleasure.

The key to resolving internal conflict is to adjust one's perception. And guess what? Pursuing sexual happiness is everyone's right!

When we say that it is "he" who has been repeatedly brainwashed into agreeing, we are also giving up our responsibility to fight for our own sexual happiness. But there's no need to fret! Having a relationship is not about pleasing others or proving love to yourself. Instead, focus on what you want and let go of the idea that "if he is satisfied, I will be very satisfied."

With this kind of attitude, the relationship between the two is inherently unequal, which presents an amazing opportunity for growth and transformation! Every aspect of their time together will reflect this, and they will become better, more independent selves.

Sexual behavior is an instinct that humans are born with, while sexual concepts and habits are formed later in life. As women, we have the right to say "no" to uncomfortable sex—and we should!

And the best part is, you can have a relationship while protecting yourself. There's nothing wrong with intimate contact when it's mutual. It's a great way to achieve a true spiritual connection, rather than just physical satisfaction.

If something has happened and cannot be changed, you have the amazing opportunity to follow the law of your own development! This is your chance to better regulate yourself and become a better person. The right to choose in life is always in your own hands!

If you're not quite sure who you are yet, psychological counseling is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. It's a fantastic opportunity to get some guidance and support as you embark on your journey of self-discovery!

Best regards! I'm so excited to see you soon!

Hugs! And see your problem. You are very internalized, which is totally normal. It's possible that your energy has become low, which is totally fixable.

The fear of being considered bad is also because you feel bad, because there is also the possibility that society pressures you and gives you little support. But don't worry! There are also cultural factors to consider. For example, the old saying is not to get married before, while modern culture believes that you can give it a try.

It's totally normal to feel a little scared or worried after having sex with your boyfriend. Here are some great suggestions to help you deal with these emotions:

1. Accept your feelings: This is the first step to dealing with these emotions in a positive way. Don't suppress or deny these emotions, but accept them and seek solutions.

2. Seek support! It is so important to share your feelings and concerns with your intimate partner. You can also share your feelings with friends, family members, or trusted advisors.

They can provide you with all the support and understanding you need to help you cope with these emotions.

3. Communicate honestly: If you are worried that your boyfriend will talk about your relationship in public, you can communicate with him honestly. Express your concerns and ask if he thinks the relationship is a bad idea. This is a great opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your concerns. You can use this chance to ask him for his thoughts on the relationship and get his input on your concerns.

He may even understand and support your decision!

4. Self-care: It's totally normal to feel scared and worried, so give yourself time and space to deal with these emotions. You can relax and reduce anxiety through meditation, yoga, reading, walking, etc.

5. Stay healthy and happy! Make sure you stay in good physical and mental health. This includes eating well, getting plenty of sleep, and exercising moderately.

These factors are great for increasing your self-worth and self-esteem, which in turn gives you a fantastic boost in your self-confidence!

6. Accept yourself! Don't let outside opinions influence your sense of self-worth. Everyone has their own experiences and stories, and everyone has their own value and meaning.

It is so important to accept yourself and be proud of who you are!

Most importantly, don't let outside opinions or other people's words influence your decisions or feelings. You have the right to make your own choices and take responsibility for your own life—and you should!

You are a valuable person who deserves love and support!