Always feel that refusing someone is an insult to their dignity, what should I do if I'm afraid to refuse?

Hello, host! When I saw your question, it reminded me of something really interesting. Every time I've tried something for free, I felt bad and ended up buying something. Smart businesses are really good at increasing their turnover by targeting the psychology of people like us.

So, why can others naturally refuse without a trace of guilt, while we cannot? It seems that we feel a special sense of guilt when we refuse others, and at the same time we feel aggrieved. Obviously, we don't want to do this, so why do we always make things difficult for ourselves? But here's the good news! We can change. We can learn to refuse without feeling guilty. We can learn to recognize and let go of the feelings of aggrievement. And we can do this without making things more difficult for ourselves.

Now, let's dive into something really interesting! We're going to look at the "pleaser" personality type, which is a fascinating psychological concept.

@ What is a pleasing personality? A pleasing personality is one that constantly seeks to please others while ignoring one's own feelings. It is a potentially unhealthy pattern of behavior, but it can also be a wonderful way to live your life!

Maybe we don't feel like we're doing it to please him, and it doesn't do me any good, so why would it be pleasing? But what if it is? What if it's something we can both enjoy?

In fact, if we take a closer look at someone with a seemingly pleasant personality, we can see that they are actually incredibly sensitive and vulnerable.

Such people often have extraordinary, superhuman sensitivity and seem to always be able to sensitively capture the feelings and thoughts of others. They are very keenly aware of what others want, and they're ready and willing to give it to them! But if they don't satisfy the other person, it's like they know what they want but are choosing not to give it to them. Instead, they're creating the illusion that "I'm wrong for doing this." So these types of people are generally always ready to unconditionally satisfy the people around them!

This incredible selflessness means that these people almost never refuse others, and if they do, they feel guilty. In the end, they find themselves faced with a choice: on the one hand, they feel guilty if they refuse someone else; on the other hand, they feel bad for themselves if they do what is best for others.

It is absolutely possible that in the end, most people would rather sacrifice themselves to help others. Over time, the grievances build up, and often they don't know what it is because of, but they just want to have a good cry and then get back up again!

It's because they're so attuned to the needs of others that these people are often ready to put the needs of others first and their own needs last. Over time, they've learned to put others first, and they're so in tune with others' needs that they no longer know what they want because they've long ago hidden their thoughts and needs in a corner, where they're completely invisible.

Another reason is the vulnerability of the inner child. What does this vulnerability bring? It brings the opportunity to overcome our fear of conflict!

For example, what if the other person is upset when I refuse them? What if the other person wants to argue with me?

This fear is also the reason why these types of people compromise. People with a pleasing personality are also very aggrieved, and they have the power to change that! Why do I always have to compromise? Why do others always get what they want?

I can do that!

This type of person loves to create an atmosphere that is "very warm and harmonious," and before you know it, they're a nice person!

Ultimately, people who are pleasing others are simply looking for love and attention. This may be due to a lack of parental love in childhood, or to having strong-willed parents.

So, what can you do if you feel that you have this personality trait to a greater or lesser extent?

△Seeing the vulnerable inner self: Connect with your inner child, look at the sensitive and vulnerable child inside, and tell her, "I see your vulnerability and sensitivity. Now that I've grown up, I can protect you from harm. Accompany your inner child as it grows up, and regain the strength in your heart.

△Seeing the pattern of seeking the care of others: Perhaps when we were young, our parents often ignored us and we didn't feel that love from them, so we often had to behave like a good girl and cater to the people around us in order to get attention. But now we can turn this around! We can realize that seeking the attention of others may be a meaningless thing, and it is not other people's recognition and evaluation that is the real you. We can return to our inner self and embrace our true selves!

It's so important to affirm and love yourself!

△Respect your own needs: In the past, we always unconditionally satisfied the needs of others. Now, it's time to turn the tables! We must also often ask ourselves this question: "What is my true thought?" It might be difficult to express our thoughts directly, but expressing them correctly can help us establish a sense of boundaries, so that we do not let ourselves cross the line and also let others understand.

We often find ourselves in a dilemma: we understand the reasoning, but why can't we do it? It's like I know I don't want to pick up the chestnuts from the chestnut seller, but why can't I do it?

Maybe it starts with "deliberately" making yourself "uncomfortable." You've been used to that pattern in the past, and now it's time to change! It's time to jump out of this comfort zone and start an exciting new journey.

I absolutely believe you can do it! The world and I are with you every step of the way.

Hello, landlord. I get it. You don't usually turn down other people's kindness, so when others do you small favors, it can feel uncomfortable. I hope this sharing helps.

It's important to remember that rejection is a normal part of life. Not being able to reject is the first step towards trouble!

In most cases, it's better to agree than to refuse. At least, it'll make the other person happy, while refusing might make both of you feel awkward.

That said, think carefully before you say yes. It's better to avoid immediate embarrassment than to have to bear the ensuing hardship. Are you willing to bear the hardship?

Another key issue is that people often ask for more and more. If you agree to this, will they come back again next time?

This way of interacting is like a nine-link chain, trapping you one link after another.

Often, people are reluctant to refuse someone because they're afraid of hurting feelings or being seen as unfeeling or disloyal. This often stems from an insecurity about relationships, where they're afraid that refusing will damage the relationship and lose their friends. So, they're more willing to compromise than risk losing their friends.

If you know how to say no, you can show others what you stand for and come out on top in your relationships. Don't do something you don't want to just to help someone out of fear of offending them. If you've made a promise that goes against your principles, learn to say no firmly when the time comes. Otherwise, you'll be vulnerable to people who want to take advantage of you or have ulterior motives.

Refusing is also a kind of ability. How strong this ability is depends on whether you have a strong heart. If you find it difficult to refuse others, it probably means you have weak thoughts inside. But if you can refuse others, it shows you have a strong heart.

We also hope that each of us will have the strength within to help others, act according to our abilities, not try to please others or blindly accommodate them, and interact with friends with an attitude of neither servility nor arrogance.

So when he gives you chestnuts, just say, "I appreciate your kindness, but you don't have to work so hard. You don't make a lot of money, so don't worry. I'll recommend your business to all my friends."

You don't have to use both hands to accept his gift. If you do, he definitely won't give it to you. Saying this won't embarrass you, and it won't embarrass him either.

I hope you can gain a deeper understanding of rejection from the above.

Good morning,

I am pleased to be able to offer you some advice.

From your written description, I can ascertain that you are a particularly kind individual. You are reluctant to decline the kind invitation to sample the chestnuts because you feel that doing so would be disrespectful. The other party has high expectations and wants you to accept what he is offering. If you choose to decline, you are concerned that he will be unhappy.

You are in a situation where you are unable to refuse, yet you are concerned that declining may result in negative consequences. First, you have the ability to be self-aware because you recognize that when you go shopping, the chestnut seller will allow you to try the chestnuts, which will influence your psychological state and feelings. You are able to be aware of this, which is a positive development.

From the perspective of the young man selling chestnuts, as a clerk in the chestnut shop, he is motivated to sell his high-quality chestnuts to passers-by and expand his customer base. As for you, you have no interest in trying them.

However, each time you pass by, he will offer you a chestnut, which makes it difficult for you to decline.

You are correct in your desire to be true to yourself. It is also important to recognize that not everyone will agree with your choices, and that you may need to prioritize your own needs and desires over the opinions of others.

You are currently attempting to circumvent the situation, but you find that you are unable to do so because this young man's role is to offer chestnuts to anyone he sees, and he is happy to approach you. This, in turn, creates a dilemma for you.

In light of the aforementioned situation, I would advise the following course of action: if you are in a positive frame of mind or wish to accept his gesture of goodwill, you may accept his offering in the usual manner.

If you are not inclined to accept the chestnuts or do not care for them, you may politely decline.

For example, "I appreciate your offer, but I'm afraid I can't accept," or "Thank you for your consideration," or "I appreciate your efforts, but I'm afraid I can't accept your proposal." I believe these are polite and appropriate ways to decline a request. I think you can use them.

I have always been an advocate of this approach. In my city, there are numerous individuals distributing flyers, many of whom are elderly. Initially, I found it challenging to decline their offers, but as the number of flyers increased, I realized it was a waste of resources. However, I felt sympathy for the elderly, so I adopted a polite yet firm stance, saying "I'm sorry, but thank you" or "I don't require your services."

I extend my gratitude for your understanding and apologize for any inconvenience caused. I have found this approach to be highly effective and would recommend it to you today.

Additionally, you have expressed a desire to decline the offer of food from the individual known as "Chestnut Boy." However, you have observed that your husband is quite comfortable in refusing requests from others. His behavior suggests that he may not be particularly sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. It is probable that he feels entitled to refuse and does not perceive the act of refusal to be a significant matter.

As for you, you are perceptive, considerate, and genuine. You strive to be amicable with others, and your approach differs from your partner's. Your personalities are distinct.

Therefore, on the basis of respecting the behavior of others, we can gain insight into ourselves and identify strategies that align with our needs. In this way, while we admire your husband's ability to decline requests, we can also seek his guidance on how to do so effectively and integrate it with our own approach. I believe this will enhance your perspective and provide valuable guidance for your future endeavors.

I wish you the best of success.

If you wish to continue the conversation, please click "Find a Coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

One Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You: https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Greetings!

I am a heart exploration coach, and learning is the most valuable asset of the human body.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a complex internal conflict, characterized by feelings of uncertainty, distress, and a sense of powerlessness.

The distress caused by one's inability to decline requests from others will not be addressed here. Three suggestions will be provided for consideration:

First, it would be beneficial to inquire as to the underlying reasons for one's inability to decline requests from others.

In your description, you indicated that you are unable to refuse others, that you perceive refusal as an insult, and that you are concerned about being perceived as pretentious and uncooperative. However, if these perceptions are accurate, why are you concerned about being perceived this way? What if the other person perceives you this way?

Do you feel like an outsider after being told that you are not easy-going? What is the significance of other people's opinions on this matter?

Do you believe that you will be rejected or ignored if you decline a request? This may be a significant factor in your reluctance to refuse others, as the desire for approval is a powerful motivator in human behavior. Additionally, you may be concerned about the potential for conflict or the possibility of a relationship ending as a result of your refusal. In essence, it is crucial to identify the underlying reasons for your difficulty in declining requests.

Once the underlying cause is identified, it is possible to implement a solution that will facilitate a change in the situation.

Secondly, it is recommended that the rationale behind this inability to refuse be subjected to rational consideration.

Rational thinking enables a more nuanced understanding of oneself and of reality.

In order to adopt a rational perspective, it is necessary to undertake two distinct actions.

One must recognize the importance of seeking external validation and prioritizing the emotional well-being of others, while simultaneously acknowledging the primacy of one's own emotional needs.

It is only when an individual has taken care of themselves that they are in a position to take care of others.

The act of shopping can be seen as an example of how individuals may prioritize the needs of others, such as the boy delivering chestnuts, over their own feelings. This can result in a lack of self-care, which can manifest as a negative mood. This dynamic persists even when the individual is interacting with strangers. In relationships with those who are close to us, a lack of self-care and the inability to say no and take care of our own feelings can lead to a deterioration in the relationship over time. This underscores the importance of understanding that our own feelings are a fundamental aspect of our well-being and should be given due consideration.

This does not imply that one should be indifferent or selfish; rather, it suggests the importance of learning to assert one's boundaries, which can facilitate the growth and stability of a relationship.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that the status quo can be altered if one is willing to embrace change.

When an individual comes to understand that it is more important to feel what they feel, they may discover that they possess the capacity to alter the situation, as they have the ability to change. They may also recognize that they have the opportunity to improve and perfect themselves.

It is imperative to cease self-blame and instead endeavor to comprehend and reassure oneself, as the desire for recognition from others is universal. Furthermore, one's concern for the feelings of others evinces a disposition of thoughtfulness. It is therefore essential to strive for self-understanding. By recognizing the aspect of oneself that is deficient in assertiveness but aspires to change and is currently unable to do so, one can derive mental fortitude to contemplate alternative matters. Otherwise, one's cognitive space will perpetually be inundated with a plethora of negative emotions. When one endeavors to comprehend and accept oneself, it becomes possible to effect change in the prevailing circumstances. This may appear paradoxical, but it is a fundamental tenet of change that it is contingent upon the maintenance of equilibrium.

When viewed from this perspective, some of the negative emotions may dissipate.

It is recommended that you concentrate on your own personal development and consider how you can become a more effective and fulfilled version of yourself.

Upon reflection, one may ascertain the appropriate course of action. At this juncture, one should prioritize self-care and strive to perform to the best of one's abilities.

For example, one might engage in a constructive dialogue with one's spouse to observe the manner in which he or she effectively declines requests from others. This process could potentially facilitate the development of one's own ability to decline requests in a more assertive manner.

It may also be beneficial to reflect on a past instance in which one declined an offer from another individual. In such a case, it is important to consider not only the manner in which one responded but also the perceived response of the other person. If the other person did not feel rejected or alienated by the refusal, this can inform how one responds to similar situations in the present. By applying this approach, one may learn to decline offers from others in a way that is not perceived as hostile or unaccommodating.

Additionally, one can learn to communicate in a "firm but non-hostile" manner, which entails rejecting the other person in a firm manner without exhibiting hostility. To illustrate, if one encounters the young man selling chestnuts again while shopping, one can say, "Thank you, I don't need it now and I don't want to eat it." Repeatedly expressing oneself in this manner may lead the young man to perceive that one is not unaccommodating and that one has not embarrassed him, thereby allowing one to be more oneself. In summary, it is important to recognize that one can gradually learn to reject others as long as one desires change.

Once action is initiated, negative emotions will gradually dissipate as a result of the action itself. In this way, action can be seen as a means of addressing and overcoming negative emotions.

Indeed, the ability to decline requests from others is an essential aspect of self-preservation, given the inherent boundaries between individuals.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful to you. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the "Find a Coach" link at the foot of the page, which will enable me to communicate with you on an individual basis.

Dear question asker,

After reading your question, I have a clear understanding of the predicament you are facing. Initially, I would like to extend a gesture of empathy and support.

The issue that requires attention is as follows:

1. When an offer is extended, one is unable to decline it, and internal conflict arises regarding the acceptance or rejection of the offer.

2. Rejecting others will result in a preoccupation with the opinions and assessments of others, while one's own emotions are disregarded. This can lead to self-blame.

Problem analysis:

The questioner is unable to decline requests from others and may be projecting the psychological feeling that they are actually afraid of being rejected. In psychology, this is the projection of one's own views, emotions, attitudes, and feelings toward external things or other people, that is, the belief that other people's thoughts and feelings are the same as one's own. If the questioner is someone who finds it difficult to accept the rejection of others, then they may also find it difficult to decline requests from others, and can only accept it with a stoic demeanor.

2. The questioner may be an individual who places a significant emphasis on the perceptions of others, often referred to as living in the evaluation of others. This concern for one's reputation, or face, can influence behaviors and actions. People often prioritize understanding the feelings of others to create a positive impression.

From a psychological perspective, the majority of individuals perceive rejection as a threat to their sense of dignity and self-image.

3. Over-reliance and fear of losing something. A significant proportion of the population exhibits a tendency to become overly reliant on their current circumstances and to experience a sense of loss if these circumstances change. Over time, this can result in a dependency and a weak personality, whereby individuals are inclined to sacrifice their own feelings in order to satisfy the expectations of others.

4. The experience of guilt is often so intense that it leads individuals to experience feelings of guilt when they refuse someone. In some cases, individuals may choose to avoid the guilt associated with refusing others by not refusing at all.

5. You prioritize the needs and feelings of others to the detriment of your own needs and feelings.

The following analysis and solutions are provided:

(1) It is imperative to unconditionally accept oneself, adhere to one's heart and true feelings, and embrace one's authentic self. Furthermore, it is essential to assertively decline tasks that one is not inclined to undertake.

(2) It is imperative to confront the issue at hand, rather than attempting to circumvent it. Doing so will only exacerbate the problem and cause distress.

(3) It is imperative to speak up boldly about one's genuine needs and to refrain from avoiding one's authentic feelings. In the event of encountering something one does not like, it is crucial to express one's displeasure in a clear and concise manner, thereby enabling others to gain insight into one's views and position.

(4) It is essential to cultivate the courage to decline requests. It is crucial to recognize that one can disappoint others and that one is a unique individual with inherent needs.

(5) It is essential to clarify one's position in the minds of others and to establish clear boundaries. In the event that one was not expected to perform a certain task, there is no obligation to experience feelings of guilt.

(6) One may decline a request directly and honestly, concisely, and clearly, while providing a rationale for the refusal.

(7) Accept oneself and utilize the skill of declining. One may begin with a compliment and then decline, for example, "Your chestnuts are truly delicious, but I am not currently interested in eating them."

(8) It is important to recognize that it is not feasible to meet the needs and approval of all individuals, and that not everyone will necessarily express positive regard for us. It is essential to cultivate self-esteem, confidence, and authenticity in oneself.

It is my sincere hope that this response will prove beneficial to you. The world and I send our love and best wishes to you.

Hello, questioner!

Many people will encounter this problem. You have these thoughts because you are kind and sincere at heart. Otherwise, you would not feel guilty for refusing someone. Your subconscious mind tells you that you will always put others first in any situation.

If someone approaches you on the street to sell you something, or if someone hands you something, or if someone calls you to sell you various products, or if your family or friends want to ask you to do something but you are not available or don't want to do it, you can simply say no.

How do you properly and reasonably refuse someone?

It's simple. Say no. Do what you want. If you want it, say yes. If you don't, say no. Be sincere. Others will know you don't need it and will stop asking.

②Their marketing methods are enthusiastic, but that doesn't mean you have to buy. You decide what you need based on your own needs. If you like it, you can take it. If you don't, you don't have to apologize. There's no coercion.

When you refuse someone, you can and should praise them. Tell them you think their products are excellent and that their business is thriving. Wish them a good day, and then leave. Simply praise their efforts and add your own empathy, and you'll never feel guilty.

When refusing others, you must be persistent. Maintain your attitude. If you are really sure you don't want it, tell them clearly. This lets the other person know your true thoughts and stops them from asking you again and again.

Rejecting others is natural and open-minded because no one is in the wrong. Both sides are free, so just respect each other. You don't need to feel guilty.

You can do the same in the future. Listen to your heart and do what you want to do. There is no need to compromise or feel guilty afterwards. When dealing with others, be sincere and open, and you will not have the same problems in the future.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful. The world and I love you.

People who don't know how to say no are overwhelmed by their inner kindness, afraid of hurting others, and end up bearing everything silently themselves.

Your inner weakness and tolerance have already put you in a tough spot. You're afraid of getting negative comments from others because of your actions, so you're more likely to accept others' actions and gain their approval. But this is a kind of disrespect for your own heart.

First, you need to take a good look at your inner thoughts. Even if it's just about rejecting something minor, it's a great place to start. Only by taking this step can you allow your inner self to accept your life.

Second, remember that other people are not as fragile as you think. Don't treat other people as a reflection of your inner self, so that you don't dare argue back, for fear that they will be hurt just like you. Since they've chosen this job, they must be able to handle rejection.

They're not as vulnerable as you think, and they won't hold a grudge against you for rejecting them. In their eyes, missing you means having to serve the next customer, and they're not as emotionally bound as you think.

Third, have you had a similar experience in the past that caused you distress? If so, trying to avoid it won't help. It'll still be there.

If you're not ready to do that, at least know that you'll meet many people in your life and that you can't please everyone. Don't set the bar too high.

Don't give up on the life you really want just to live it in someone else's eyes.

Good morning.

Should you encounter Chestnut, the enthusiastic salesperson offering complimentary chestnuts, you may politely decline the offer. Thankfully, you are under no obligation to accept.

It is, in fact, a sales technique. Many cake shops offer free tasting activities, as do supermarkets offering yogurt, chocolate, and other foods. In some cases, customers taste the product and then purchase it if they like it. Salespeople may approach customers to offer them a taste. This is a common practice in many businesses.

The questioner demonstrates a high level of empathy. They are able to consider their own thoughts and feelings, as well as perceive the emotions of others. For instance, they can imagine the situation from the perspective of the young man and understand his feelings. If the young man is rejected or ignored, it would be reasonable to assume that he would be hurt. Similarly, if someone rejects or ignores your goodwill, it would be understandable if you felt disappointed or aggrieved.

Or will they react with anger?

The questioner's kindness and consideration for others is evident. Additionally, they demonstrate a keen interest in and regard for the feedback and comments of others.

If you were to reject Baili's approach, what impact would that have on you? For example, would you be at risk of being gossiped about behind your back?

It is comparable to some of the content of your previous mental activity.

There is a concern that others may perceive them as pretentious and disrespectful.

Secondly, if you decline the goodwill of others, would that not be perceived as ungrateful?

Thirdly, there is a fear of being regarded as an outsider and of being perceived as unaccommodating in one's actions.

It can be observed that there are numerous examples of this type of activity occurring in public spaces. Individuals can be seen distributing flyers, promoting the scanning of QR codes, and engaging with people in an attempt to meet their needs. Some individuals may choose to ignore these requests and continue with their activities, while others may stop to express gratitude, decline the offer, or express interest. Some individuals may be curious and decide to taste the product, make a purchase, or learn more about the promotion. This demonstrates the diverse range of preferences and motivations among individuals, reflecting their unique needs, thoughts, and feelings.

With regard to the free tasting, I have no particular requirements. I may not be partial to chestnuts, or if I do require some, I will simply purchase them. I am not inclined to accept complimentary items from others.

This is the point at which we consider the needs of our own part.

Chestnut the Little Boy will offer samples of his product to potential customers, inviting them to "taste for free." It is his responsibility to introduce himself and his product to the market, and to promote his business in order to increase sales.

Similarly, customers may have varying preferences for chestnuts. Some may be inclined to purchase them, while others may only buy a few after sampling them and finding them satisfactory. Some may even purchase them despite not being particularly enthusiastic about them. Conversely, there may be customers who decline or express their gratitude after trying them.

From this perspective, it is possible to view Chestnut's needs as belonging to his own domain, while your needs and thoughts, as well as your feelings, can be seen as belonging to your own domain. This is analogous to the way in which one domain belongs to him and the other to you. As two independent individuals, you both have the right to make your own choices and decisions, and you are also responsible for your own feelings and your own needs.

Furthermore, examining one's own perspective through this lens can be seen as a way of understanding the underlying essence behind the apparent phenomenon. I believe there are multiple instances in life where this approach can be beneficial, as it allows for a more nuanced understanding of complex situations. Ultimately, it's essential to return to your own perspective to address some of your perceptions, thoughts, and feelings, as well as their underlying causes and the reasons for their formation.

You are very clear about not having a self and activating a relational self-description. For people with a relational self-orientation, feelings of self are not the most important thing; relationships are, and what other people think of you is most important.

The intergenerational transmission of the relational self in such a primary family results in the habitual patterns being passed down from generation to generation. When you reject other people and respect your inner feelings, you immediately activate the self of the inner critic. It's as simple as that.

Little Chestnut is having a hard time. He is unkind for a reason. The conflict between the self-orientation of the internal critic and the self-orientation of the core self runs through the whole life of such a person's personality.

You can't be a self-consistent self, always pursuing an idealized self and the object self of the Chinese-style good person in the eyes of others.

This is the main personality structure characteristic of our country and nation. Face is more important, and it is most important for values passed down from generation to generation because ancestor worship and the rules left behind by ancestors are most important. It is less important for the development of the subject of an independent core self-personality structure.

This backward cultural ideology must be overcome if we are to facilitate individual differentiation and evolution. I am confident that more people in China will gain this level of self-awareness and evolve from a relational self to an autonomous self, a self that is more differentiated and adult-like.

As a career planner with 22 years of experience in cross-industry management consulting, I have observed numerous exemplary individuals in the workplace over the course of my tenure in consulting. I will provide a concise response to this question.

Often, individuals will attempt to please others and follow a passive approach in order to avoid the risk of losing.

If you have a valid reason, do not hesitate to decline a request. When a person requests something, they are mentally prepared for two possible outcomes.

It is therefore unsurprising that he will give any of these answers.

It is within our rights to decline any request, regardless of whether it is reasonable or not. It is important to accept that this may result in the loss of the relationship.

It is essential to understand how to make the right trade-offs in life.

In particular, a mature middle-aged person who is prone to exploitation should learn to make trade-offs. Otherwise, it is easy to sacrifice personal integrity for the benefit of others, due to a lack of assertiveness.

Survey results indicate that individuals who are more assertive and proficient in advocating for themselves are less likely to experience workplace bullying and tend to earn 15% more on average than their less assertive counterparts. Conversely, those who are honest but tolerate mistreatment may earn 8% less on average.

This is the well-known "Cactus Law."

If you require assistance with your career, please contact Vin. Further case analysis and consultation can be accessed via the WeChat public account: Career Planner Vin.

They can't refuse or ask for what they want without worrying they'll be rejected. This is called "rejection sensitivity." They seem to have good relationships. They're always eager to help and others seek their help. They're typical examples of people who "suffer for face."

People are afraid to say "no" for many reasons.

1. Rejection trauma

People who are afraid to say "no" have experienced too many "no's." This makes it difficult for them to be autonomous and creative. They are controlled by a force that tells them "no" and "you shouldn't." Their minds are filled with "no." They obey authority but hate it. They are anxious about being rejected. This is caused by cultural taboos.

2. Dependency and separation anxiety

Everyone is dependent on something, but the nature of this dependency differs from person to person. Being overly dependent on someone or something can cause anxiety.

It's important to get spiritual attention and affirmation from others. If you don't get enough, you'll feel inferior and want attention.

3. Low self-esteem

The Chinese have always valued face in relationships. Some people are weak and have low self-esteem, so they feel trapped in a culture that places a high value on face.

Such people base their self-concept on what others think. They pay close attention to how others react, including their needs. If they satisfy others, they gain their approval and feel valued.

So, they can't say no in front of others. If you deny others, you deny yourself.

So, by always agreeing with others, he learns that he exists and has value.

We should learn to say no to others.

1. You must respect yourself, be confident, aware of yourself, and have principles.

If you're afraid to refuse, don't know how, or are not good at it, it's because you're not confident, afraid of offending people, and afraid of damaging future relationships.

We can help those in need, but we don't have to obey others.

Everyone should have self-esteem and self-confidence. You should be motivated, stand up for yourself, and keep your promises. Sometimes, self-confidence means not being easily compliant.

Once you know yourself, others won't be rude or insulting.

2. If someone is unreasonable, refuse them calmly and directly.

This is for dealing with unreasonable people. You may encounter this at work, with friends, or in general social interactions. If someone is being unreasonable, you can simply say, "I'm busy," or "Ask someone else," and walk away. If the other person uses foul language, you can calmly return it.

Be polite and don't argue.

3. If someone asks you nicely, say no.

Some requests may seem reasonable, but they are actually difficult. If you refuse, you may offend both parties; if you agree, you may go against your wishes. Don't agree or refuse immediately. Tell the other person that you will see if you have time and whether it is convenient first. Finally, if it doesn't work out, you can explain the difficulties.

4. Say no to requests you can't do.

It's good to be helpful, but you should also do your best. You will meet many people and encounter many things in life. If you're kind and enthusiastic, people will think of you when they need help.

Help as much as you can, and don't make things difficult for yourself if you can't. Politely refuse things that are beyond your ability. Don't care too much about your so-called "face." Don't mind if others are temporarily "displeased" with you. Just be clear in your conscience and have an open heart.

The original poster is leaning towards the fourth point. Learn to say no soon!

Dear questioner, I'm so excited to hear from you!

I am a ray of sunshine! I am so grateful to the questioner for bringing up this topic: "I always feel that refusing someone is to offend their face, what should I do if I dare not refuse?"

Take a moment to read the questioner's narrative. You'll quickly see the challenges they've faced on their journey to self-growth. And you'll be grateful for their self-awareness and willingness to seek help. I'm excited to share my thoughts and ideas with the questioner.

Let's dive right in!

First, let's dive into the specific situation described by the questioner and see what we can learn from it!

When I go out shopping, I always look forward to seeing the young man selling chestnuts. He's so enthusiastic about his product! He'll hand out free samples of chestnuts, shouting "fried chestnuts with sugar," "buy a pound get half a pound free"... I often walk past his shop and he'll hand me some too, but I don't want to take them. I just want to be myself, and take what I want and leave the rest. Do I have to satisfy him and take the chestnuts? So I avoid them, but often I can't escape. Handing out the chestnuts is the young man's job, so he'll come over and hand them to me. At this time, I struggle internally, but often I go against my own feelings and take them. But then I blame myself for accepting them when I clearly didn't want to, just to fulfill someone else's will. I find it so hard to refuse people, but I'm learning to embrace it! I'm afraid that people will say I'm being a show-off, that I'm not giving people face, that I'm looking down on them, that I'm ungrateful, that I'm not even going to eat it when it's been offered to me!

What's the big deal? I'm excited to see what others think! I'm afraid that they'll say that I'm an outsider and not easy-going, to the point that I'll ignore my own feelings. But this state of mind is so difficult that I'll blame myself.

I envy my husband because he can reject people with a clear conscience. When I go shopping with him, I see that he doesn't do or say anything, and he just rejects the chestnuts handed to him by other people. It's so open and natural, and there's no sense of guilt. How can you reject people without a sense of guilt?

By combining the actual situation of the questioner, you can absolutely deal with it in this way:

First, accept this "refusing face" and "dare not refuse" in yourself, and find out the ins and outs—it's an exciting journey!

1. It's totally normal to feel a bit embarrassed about saying no to others. It's a common thing in social interactions, so don't worry! The questioner is likely to have had a similar situation.

People with this characteristic are commonly known as "nice guys," and they're pretty awesome!

The nice guy has done so much for others! But it seems like others don't really appreciate him. Could it be that they take this for granted and secretly look down on him?

I'm excited to find out if the questioner can feel this kind of state of mind!

2. Refusing someone's request, doing things reluctantly and unwillingly often triggers negative resistance. Just as the questioner is torn between "saving face" and feeling overwhelmed, the real thought in their mind is that they don't want to take the offered "chestnut," but in reality they find it difficult to say "no." Think about it: what are you worried about if I refuse?

3. One reason we might be a little nervous about turning someone down is that if we do, they might get upset. They might even stop liking us! And we definitely don't want that. But it's not like that's going to happen.

If you don't refuse someone, they will be happy, but you will feel bad. What we really worry about is perhaps the loss of the opportunity to establish a relationship with others or the fear of a relationship breakdown. But there's another way!

4. Another possible situation is that if you reject someone, it may lead to a conflict, but after the conflict, you and he may be able to establish a real friendship! Or you may miss the opportunity, but either way, you'll be learning and growing.

5. Another reason for being afraid to say no is our sense of guilt: "I shouldn't say no to other people." This is a misconception! Everyone has their own needs and rights. Why should we accept other people's demands unconditionally?

Second, it's time to get real about your situation and start making changes to become the person you've always wanted to be! This is the exciting journey of psychological maturity and growth.

1. Life is full of people who love to use your sense of guilt to control you. If you don't do what they want, they'll act sad and frustrated, and criticize you for not caring about your friends and being unfair. But you can take back control! You have the right to decide whether or not to take responsibility for their difficulties. And you have the right to believe that everyone is responsible for themselves.

This is the "sense of boundaries" that each person needs in a relationship — and it's an essential part of building a happy, healthy relationship!

2. Follow your inner feelings, learn to be true to yourself, and watch what happens! When you are being true to yourself, it will become a very casual thing to reject others. This requires constant perseverance and deliberate practice, but it's worth it!

3. There are so many amazing techniques for refusing unreasonable demands from others! You can learn them from professional psychological teachers or by reading books on your own. Here are some of my absolute favorites: "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "Self-Boundaries."

4. Finally, establishing a belief is also the simplest, but very effective method! It's as simple as sticking to your own opinion. Instead of engaging in complicated arguments with others, just repeatedly repeat your own opinions or requests. The questioner may wish to try this and see how it works for them!

I'm so excited to share my understanding and response to the questioner's question! I truly hope it will bring the questioner some positive and helpful help. I pray that the questioner will become a free and carefree person who follows his or her heart and dares to be true to himself or herself through cultivation. Bless you!

I am sunshine, the world, and I love you! ??

Hello!

Your description really resonated with me, and I just want to give you a big hug! (¸.•ω•¸) It's totally understandable to feel confused, afraid, or unsure of how to say no to others sometimes. Let's dive in and uncover the root of your fear of saying no!

? If you can't say no to others, it's probably because you're worried about something!

After reading your entire description, dear, people in business give out free samples of their family's chestnuts to everyone they meet. This is a friendly gesture and a good way to attract customers! But what does this have to do with you?

It's totally up to him if he wants to give away chestnuts from his home to people passing by. And it's totally up to you whether you want to accept them or not. It's all good! These two things are totally independent.

The great thing is, they don't affect each other and are not directly related. And since he has chosen to give to others, he gets to face the possibility of rejection by others.

Behind your fear of saying no to him is the feeling that he handed me their family chestnuts, and he seems to need me to help him meet sales targets. Thus, you cannot accept yourself. Aren't you very loving, but also have a selfish side? But my dear, you can overcome this! You can learn to love yourself! You can satisfy your own needs! You can pay attention to your inner thoughts! You can become the best version of yourself!

But my dear, you must understand one thing: learning to love yourself is the only way to love others better. At this time, what you need most is to pay attention to your inner thoughts, love yourself well, and satisfy your own needs. And you can do it!

? Learn to separate your tasks and watch the magic happen!

My dear, the owner of the sugar-roasted chestnut stand is focused on making money selling his goods. You, on the other hand, have the exciting opportunity to focus on living a fulfilling and happy life!

I think this argument is right! He has to be responsible for his own life, not you blurring your own boundaries and sacrificing your own interests to take responsibility for someone else's life.

What any boss desires and needs is for everyone who accepts his chestnuts to come to his store and spend money. But this is not your own desire and need.

What you really think inside is "I don't want to buy his chestnuts." Even if you buy the chestnuts out of necessity and embarrassment, you will still be distressed and unhappy about it.

If that's the case, then why not go to his store and buy chestnuts happily when we want to eat chestnuts? Everyone will be happy! Instead, we can't control ourselves, and although we are unhappy and distressed, we still can't help buying chestnuts?

If it is what you want and desire, then accept it with grace! If not, politely refuse! I think that boss also wants everyone to be happy when they eat their chestnuts!

? Accept that you have a selfish side and establish a sense of your own boundaries.

Honey, sometimes we refuse the needs of others. And that's okay! It's not selfishness.

But we also have to think about ourselves and care for our feelings! Because no matter when the choice is in our own hands, if you always spend money unconsciously to buy unhappiness, you can choose to stop that now!

Absolutely! We can definitely be a little kinder to ourselves, and then we can spend money happily!

Each of us has our own boundaries, which are like a wall that protects us from the influence and disturbance of all kinds of people outside. Even if someone wants to use violence to destroy this wall, we still have a chance to protect ourselves! And that's something to be excited about!

We can escape safely before the wall collapses!

Often, we get to choose to accept or reject, to give or remain neutral. This is what I call the "boundary wall," and it's an amazing thing! We can let those good, kind people and things that we need enter our lives.

If not, then we just don't let them in! If that doesn't work, then we just stay away from them!

? Try to express your needs, and keep trying to say no to others through learning!

There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in expressing your needs! It's not selfish to express your true feelings and desires.

It's a truly loving gesture! After all, while we love ourselves, we don't hurt others.

In the meantime, you can also read some books! "Self-Boundaries" is an amazing book on boundaries and the topic of separation.

You simply have to read Courage to be Disliked when you get the chance! We'll always have people who don't like us, so we can't live our whole lives feeling sorry for ourselves and living in the opinions of others! It's so important to have the courage to be disliked!

Life is not black and white. And it's so exciting to think that often, apart from A and B, we can also have a "third option" to make life easier and more comfortable! I'm so excited to read "The Third Option" next week!

I'd love to hear your ideas! Please leave them in the comment section.

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I love you so much, and so does the world!

Dear questioner,

I totally get it. I feel for you, and I can relate to having similar concerns in the past. I find it tough to say no to others because I worry it might hurt their feelings or make them angry. I'm even more nervous about saying no because I'm afraid people will hate me for it. But I've learned that life is my own journey, and I don't need to compromise myself for others. I've realised that I don't need to be "what others want me to be."

So, if you want to say no without feeling guilty, my advice is:

Firstly, listen to the other person with a kind and respectful ear.

It's so important to make sure you're respectful to the other person, even if you can't help them. Never refuse directly when they haven't finished speaking. If you do, it'll make them feel like you're not taking them seriously, and that's the last thing you want!

Listen to what he has to say, show him you care, and offer some advice when you can.

Let them know why you're unable to help and what challenges you're facing.

Explain your reasons for refusal in a gentle manner to avoid any confusion. Let the other person know that you're truly sorry but that you're unable to help at this time.

If you can't meet the other person's expectations, you can always express your regret and comfort them at the right time. And if it's not appropriate to refuse them directly, you can still help them out with some advice or assistance within your abilities.

I think the best thing you can do is put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Try to see things from the other person's perspective and let them know you're thinking of them. This will show them you're being sincere. When you have to say no, do it quickly and clearly. This way, they'll know what you mean and won't feel resentful. It's also important to avoid making the other person wait because you're not sure what to do. This can make them feel frustrated and affect the relationship between you.

The main points are: be gentle and patient, be firm but sincere, and do what you can.

In life, there's absolutely no need to force yourself to do things you don't like. You don't live to satisfy other people, so it's so important to learn to say no. It's so important to understand in your heart that you are not obliged to do something, and then pay attention to your words and use your language skills to politely refuse others without hurting their feelings.

At the end of the day, you don't need to worry too much about what other people think. Just be happy with yourself, okay? ✧(◠‿◕)

I really hope my advice helps you!