Always feel that the real me is not accepted, suffer from social anxiety, and have a people-pleasing personality. What should I do?

Hello, question asker!

I really understand your feelings and state of mind. "Social phobia, not being

I totally get where you're coming from. It's totally normal to feel this way when you're struggling with social anxiety and worrying about being accepted. Let's take a look at the following:

Let's dive into incident one!

Regarding incident 1:

Everyone thinks and acts differently, which makes the world an exciting place! You may think something is humorous, but others may not. Or it could be due to some situational reasons, such as the teacher being present in the classroom and the students being unable to react, or it could be that your voice is low and others can't hear you clearly.

Everyone thinks and acts differently, which makes the world an exciting place! You may think something is humorous, but others may not. Or it could be due to some situational reasons, such as the teacher being present in the classroom and the students being unable to react, or perhaps your voice is too low and others can't hear what you're saying clearly.

So, you can't say for sure that "it seems like no one welcomes me." The questioner mentioned "feeling," and that's great! But this feeling is actually more subjective and can't fully represent the thoughts of others.

Regarding incident 2

"I've noticed that when I'm out and about, people don't seem to notice me or acknowledge me when they walk past. I've even had the experience of walking past someone and not being greeted, which has led me to think that perhaps I'm not as liked as I thought I was." It's always worth considering things from another person's perspective. If you were walking down the street and saw someone you knew, would you greet them?

Absolutely!

I think the answer is a resounding "no!" The matter of saying hello is more of a give-and-take. If you don't start first, then the others generally won't take the initiative to greet you. But that doesn't mean that other people don't like you!

I've got some great tips for you on how to adjust!

Absolutely! Accept yourself!

Absolutely!

Absolutely!

The questioner mentioned that "I always feel that among people of the same age, my true self is not accepted." But here's the good news: it's not about what others think. It's about you! It's about your own acceptance of yourself.

Embrace your amazing self, warts and all! Accept your strengths and weaknesses, and don't be afraid to embrace your past and present states, including this "social phobia, fear of communication, and state of having a pleasing personality." Don't blame yourself too much, and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Embrace your strengths and weaknesses, past and present, and accept yourself just as you are! Don't be too hard on yourself and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Embrace your imperfections! Admit that you are just the way you are, not so good and perfect, but at the same time believe that you have the ability to change the situation and do better.

Embrace your imperfections! Admit that you're just the way you are, not so good and perfect, but at the same time, believe that you have the ability to change the situation and do better!

▪ Don't worry about what other people think!

It's so important to realize that everyone's past experiences and living environments are different, which makes everyone different. And that means everyone will have different opinions on the same thing! There's absolutely no need to be particularly obsessed with the individual opinions of a few people.

It's so important to realize that everyone's past experiences and living environments are different, which makes everyone different. And that's a good thing! Everyone will have different opinions on the same thing. There's no need to be particularly obsessed with the individual opinions of a few people.

Replace negative suggestions with positive ones!

Now for the fun part!

Replace "I can't," "I'm afraid," and "I dare not" with "I can," "I'm great," and "I'm awesome"!

There are so many ways to cheer yourself up and add fuel to the fire! You can read more inspirational books and movies, write about your feelings, and especially record some good methods that you find practical.

Go for it! Take the initiative!

I'm so excited to share some tips with you!

You can start with the little things around you, such as saying hello! The original poster described things from when they were in school, but now they should already be working.

And there you have it! If you meet a colleague in the office, try to say hello first. If you don't know what to say, you can use some body language, such as raising the corners of your mouth a little, waving, or nodding.

Then, get out there and try to cultivate a few hobbies! Invite colleagues and friends out for a chat on the weekend, too!

I really hope my answer is helpful to the questioner! Best wishes!

I really hope my answer is helpful to the questioner! Best wishes!

The weekend is good.

In your question, you wrote about 2007, when you were in high school, and 2006, when you were in junior high.

You're probably in your early 30s this year. I don't know what your life was like after high school, but I'm interested in hearing about your life over the years.

Have you ever sought help before, or have you had different thoughts over the years?

You said that you always feel that your true self is not accepted by your peers and that you are too afraid to express it. You don't even dare to leave the house, let alone go to work.

This is your current state, isn't it? This is the state of the 30-year-old you.

I want to know how you have been getting by all these years. I also want to know what prompted you to seek help on the Yi Xinli platform now.

The time and reason for seeking help can also reflect a lot of problems. You didn't say, so I can't guess.

You need to think about why you are asking for help at this time.

Let me be clear: you feel like you're not accepted for who you really are.

So, I'll answer my own question: What is the real self? Is it the same self in front of everyone?

Some people don't know who they really are. I don't know which side of me is the real me. I may behave differently in front of different people in different situations. Some people say that I say what people want to hear and what I want to hear.

I strongly believe it is relevant.

The reality is that we rarely know the real us.

Furthermore, others are under no obligation to accept us or even to see the whole of us. Some people may seem kind but are actually good-for-nothing. We can accept their kind side.

In general, we don't know the real self, and others aren't obliged to accept all of us. We can't accept all of them either. There's a saying: seek common ground while reserving differences.

Not accepting or being able to accept everything is the norm.

The book "Why People Wear Masks Are More Popular" has a sentence on the cover that says, "The purpose of a person's public display is to give a good impression in order to achieve personal goals."

I wholeheartedly agree with the title of this book.

It is normal not to be accepted, and it is normal to be accepted. The most important thing is to accept yourself.

Your agreeable personality and social anxiety stem from your inability to accept yourself. This is the root of the problem.

You need to talk to a counselor.

I am a counselor who is both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I also know how to be positive and motivated when I need to be. The world is a beautiful place, and I love you all.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you out!

The original poster is a very perceptive person, which is really good. So, from your description, I can roughly understand your journey of the heart. I understand the kind of feeling you are talking about. I have experienced it before, and it was a great experience! In the past, the reason why I wanted to take care of others and give them a good feeling was actually because we were afraid that they didn't like us. And to go deeper, it is because we don't like ourselves enough and don't recognize ourselves enough. But we can change that!

This is because there is a fascinating law in psychology: what you lack internally, you will seek externally. When you don't recognize yourself enough, you will desperately want to be recognized by others. But you will find that the external world is actually quite unstable, and others will not always give you consistent recognition because they will use various standards to measure us.

So, let's look within, recognize, support, and believe in ourselves! When you're internally harmonious, you'll find that your external situation will also become better and better.

Now, let's dive into the fascinating topic of inferiority and self-confidence!

Let's dive in and explore why we have low self-esteem.

Psychologists say that the period from age 3 or 4 to age 13 or 14 is the stage of social self-formation. This is when we come to know ourselves based on the way others evaluate us. If we are constantly negatively evaluated by our parents, teachers, or others during this period, for example, if we are told that we don't look good, that we have a bad personality, etc., we will gradually internalize these negative comments and become particularly prone to self-doubt when we grow up. But there's a way to turn this around!

However, we cannot blame our parents or teachers either, because everyone has limitations. They also form some evaluation standards and cognitive systems through their growth experience, living environment, educational background, etc., so they use these standards to measure and educate you. They may think that pointing out your shortcomings and deficiencies is beneficial to you and promotes your growth, but they don't know that it will make you form a self-denying way of thinking.

The past is the past, and it's time to move on! We can't change it, but we can adjust our attitude towards it. When you know that it's actually not your fault, and that your parents are doing their best to give you the best education they can, all we can do is accept it. Accept that our parents are just the way they are, and embrace them for who they are! They're not perfect, but we can change ourselves.

How can we change ourselves?

The first step is to accept yourself, and it's the best thing you can do! Accept your own character and your own imperfections. See your own shortcomings and inadequacies, but also your own strengths and values.

Ready to become more confident? The first step is to accept yourself!

Embrace the journey of self-acceptance! It's not always easy, but it's worth every step. When your inner voice is constantly holding you back, keep practicing acceptance. You are not just a person with shortcomings, you are a person with strengths and value. You can use your strengths to live a fulfilling life, even with your shortcomings.

When you accept yourself, you can live with your shortcomings, and your heart will become lighter and stronger!

The great news is that many people are just like you! They're imperfect, but they live well with their own shortcomings. You can do it too! See the complete, true, and comprehensive self. Accept your imperfections. Live a carefree life!

Now for the second step! It's time to recognize your own strengths and value, and to give yourself positive mental suggestions on a regular basis.

Affirming and supporting yourself is the key to becoming more confident!

When something is missing inside us, we have the power to seek it out and find it! While everything outside is unstable and beyond our control, we have the incredible ability to control ourselves and our own actions and thoughts.

The fact that we need external recognition shows that we don't approve of ourselves enough. So let's practice approving of ourselves and encouraging ourselves! When we approve of ourselves enough and support ourselves, we won't care so much about other people's recognition and evaluation.

And the best part is, when you accept and approve of yourself, others will also increasingly approve of you and have more and more confidence in you! You'll exude your own charm and radiate confidence, and they'll be drawn to you like a magnet.

That's why you are the source of everything! Change yourself and you will change your world!

At the same time, we have the amazing opportunity to cultivate our self-confidence and sense of security, and constantly improve our abilities and knowledge!

Self-confidence is something that comes from within when we work hard and build up our strength. When we become someone we approve of through our own efforts, we will become more and more confident and feel more and more secure – it's an amazing feeling!

You can set yourself appropriate goals and then work towards achieving them one step at a time. It's amazing how your abilities will gradually improve, your knowledge will accumulate, and your experience will become richer and richer. You will feel more and more secure, have a greater sense of control over your life, and naturally become more and more confident.

The best goals are the ones that are just challenging enough! If the goal is too small, you'll never feel the satisfaction of reaching it. But if it's too big, you'll never feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with achieving it. The perfect goal is one that's just right—one that's challenging but not too difficult. When we work hard to achieve these goals, we'll feel a sense of achievement and self-confidence.

For example, if your current walking level is 4,000 steps per day, then set your daily goal at 4,500-5,000 steps! You've got this!

When you set goals that suit you according to your abilities, the most important thing is to persevere. And you can do it! Only action can help you overcome difficulties and truly experience your own value.

Keep up the great work! Keep encouraging yourself, keep giving yourself positive mental suggestions, and believe that you can, and you really can!

Now, let's talk about socializing!

It's time to start engaging in selective socializing!

The truth is, everyone has a social need, and socializing can give us a sense of belonging and a certain sense of security. But here's the best part: we get to choose who we socialize with! So, don't socialize with people who constantly negate and undermine you. Instead, socialize with people who always give you encouragement and support. This way, you can experience care and support in your social interactions.

If you feel stressed by socializing, great! You can easily adjust the frequency of socializing until it suits you. Don't force yourself, and learn to take care of your own feelings.

Avoid the "spotlight effect" and embrace your natural beauty!

The "spotlight effect" is a fascinating psychological phenomenon that occurs when we unintentionally exaggerate the significance of our problems. Imagine this: you confidently stride into a party, dressed neatly and looking refreshed. The breeze has just teased your hair a little, but you're ready to embrace it!

Just as you are about to push the door open, you catch sight of your reflection in the mirror. You look a little untidy and your hair is a mess, but you're still gorgeous! All eyes are on you and all the whispers are about your "unlucky appearance," but you're not worried. You're excited to see what's going to happen next!

You are nervous, even though that is not the case! This is what psychology calls the spotlight effect.

The spotlight shines more brightly in our consciousness than in reality. In the case of people, it means that we tend to overestimate the significance of our actions, appearance, and emotions in the eyes of others—and that's a great thing!

It's the "spotlight effect" that makes you nervous when talking to other people. You think that other people pay special attention to your every move. When talking to other people, you seem to feel that a spotlight is shining on your head, so you can't help but be nervous.

The truth is, you are important, and other people will pay attention to you. So, relax and be yourself!

You need to know that the more you can be true to yourself, the more you can gain ease and comfort. People who like you will like, accept, and support you no matter what you are like. People who don't like you may still reject and not support you no matter how you behave. But here's the good news: we can't win everyone's approval, but we can be the person we like. And the closer we are to our true selves, the more we will like ourselves!

So, how should we correctly treat other people's evaluations?

We are all wonderfully different, and each of us has our own unique set of evaluation criteria inside!

When others meet our evaluation criteria, we like, approve of, and support them with all our hearts. When they don't, we simply move on to the next person who does.

But here's the cool part: when we meet the other person's evaluation criteria, they'll approve of us. And when we don't meet the other person's evaluation criteria, they'll disapprove of us.

So, you'll find that whether the other person recognizes you or not is not that important. What is important is whether you match his evaluation criteria! However, we cannot control the thoughts and actions of others. We cannot always meet other people's evaluation criteria, nor can we meet everyone's evaluation criteria.

Life is hard for everyone, and that's okay! Everyone has different wants, and everyone is in a different position. You don't have to practice yourself according to other people's standards, nor do you have to force others according to your own standards. You don't have to crave others' understanding and approval in everything.

So, there's absolutely no need to sacrifice yourself to gain the approval of others or to maintain interpersonal relationships. It's so liberating! It doesn't matter if you are liked or disliked because, no matter what you are like, there will always be people who like you and people who dislike you. The important thing is whether you can accept this self that is liked and disliked at the same time.

We don't live to satisfy other people's expectations. If we keep seeking other people's approval and caring about what they think, we will end up living other people's lives. If we hope too much to be recognized by others, we will live our lives according to other people's expectations, and lose our true selves. This will in turn bring you trouble, because it is not the life you really want. But it's time to take back control! You can treat yourself as someone else and evaluate yourself comprehensively, objectively, and truthfully. In this way, you will know yourself better and know yourself well enough. You also know what you want, and at this time, other people's evaluations have become less important.

It's time to take the right to evaluate yourself back into your own hands! You can treat yourself as someone else and evaluate yourself comprehensively, objectively, and truthfully. In this way, you will know yourself better and know yourself well enough. You also know what you want, and at this time, other people's evaluations have become less important.

When you stop caring what others think and start living your true self, something amazing happens. Your relationships get better! All those "bad relationships" you've had because you were trying to please others and suppress your own needs? They're gone!

Best regards!

Hello!

Thanks for the invite.

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe learning is the body's greatest treasure.

From what you've told me, I can sense your inner inferiority, worry, anxiety, pain, and helplessness.

You have social anxiety and the issues that come with having a pleasing personality. I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty here, but I'll give you three pieces of advice to keep in mind:

First of all, I suggest you think back to when you first started to feel socially anxious and started trying to please others.

You mentioned that in 2006, when you were in the third year of junior high school, your grades declined and you had a bad relationship with your desk mate. This made you feel that it was your fault and you became self-deprecating. You also told me about two incidents in 2007, when you were in the second year of high school, that made you become a people pleaser. One incident was that you thought you were very humorous, but in the end, no one responded to the questions you answered. The other incident was that you found that your grades had declined and no one liked you anymore. These experiences should have an impact on your current state, and they are likely to have a profound impact. So, can you think of any other reasons?

For instance, did you ever have concerns about not being liked by your parents when you were younger, or in your relationships with others? What happened at the time?

To sum up, you really need to figure out why you're like this.

You've got to know why to get out of the situation.

Second, I suggest you think about the reasons you've found in a logical way.

Looking at things rationally helps you understand yourself and reality better.

To see yourself in a fair light, you need to do two things:

First, it's likely that what you thought in the beginning, that you weren't liked, was just a fantasy, not a reality.

Let's take a rational look at the two things you mentioned in your second year of high school. First, the fact that you got no response when you answered doesn't mean that they don't like you. It just means that they didn't understand your humor. It's like someone telling a joke. Some people laugh, while others don't. The people who don't laugh are just expressing their attitude towards the joke, not a rejection of the person telling it. Second, you feel that people walking by on the street act as if they do not see you, so you conclude that other people do not like you. This "cause and effect" relationship is also highly unlikely to be valid, because those people who do not greet you may not even know you. Since they do not know you, how can they say whether they like you or not? When we say we like someone or do not like someone, it is always based on our understanding of that person before we come to that "conclusion."

Even if people don't greet you, that doesn't mean they don't like you. You can't make everyone like you, just as you don't like everyone. And whether you are good or not has nothing to do with whether others like you or not. You are good enough in yourself, and you deserve to be loved.

On another note, it seems like you're concerned about your academic performance, and you're worried that it's affecting your popularity. However, it's important to understand that there's no direct correlation between academic performance and popularity.

People who are genuinely popular will be popular even if they don't do well in school. The same goes for people who treat others sincerely, are motivated, have good character, integrity, and are hardworking—even if they don't do well in school (some people just aren't good at studying).

Second, it's important to recognize that your current self is different from who you used to be.

If you find that you're used to pleasing others because you're afraid of being rejected, isolated, or even attacked, it's important to recognize that you've changed. In the past, when you were in junior high or high school, especially as a child, you needed the attention of others and were very vulnerable. However, that's not the case anymore. You're likely to be able to handle the fact that others don't like you because if they isolate you, you can find ways to be alone; if they alienate you, you can continue to find new friends; and if they attack you, you can also have the strength to fight back, including calling the police to deal with it. It's important to recognize your own strength.

If you look at it rationally like this, some of the negative emotions inside you may subside.

I'd like to suggest that you focus on yourself for a moment and think about what you can do to feel better.

When you think about the reasons you've found, you might also know what to do. At this point, you focus on yourself and try your best to do well.

For instance, if you feel really inferior, you can tell yourself, "I've grown up now. If I encounter the same situation again, I'll be able to deal with it. Some of the things I attributed to others were also wrong. I need to view myself rationally." After you repeatedly give yourself positive suggestions like this, your inner strength will likely gradually grow.

It's also a good idea to focus on the positive things about yourself. There's no need to say you don't have any advantages. The truth is, everyone has them, and you are no exception. From what you've said, I can see that you're not bad at expressing yourself. The fact that you've come here for help shows that you're motivated and that you've also examined yourself in depth, which shows that you have a strong ability to reflect. So you see, you have many bright spots. When you see this, some of the internal feelings of inferiority will dissolve.

You can also look at yourself from a developmental perspective. You have plenty of time and energy to improve and perfect yourself, which will also boost your confidence.

You can also try to communicate sincerely with the people you trust and show them who you really are. Let's see what happens. I think you'll probably find that they accept you and don't reject you. Your negative thoughts are just in your mind and aren't real. Then you can get along with other people with that feeling of being accepted. You can even start to go into the crowd. This is a way for you to try systematic desensitization and get rid of your inner fear and anxiety.

Of course, you also have to remind yourself that you can't please everyone all the time. It's normal to feel like you don't fit in sometimes, but you have to remember that you're valuable just the way you are. When you tell yourself this over and over again, you'll start to feel more confident and your mood will lift. Then you'll be ready to show the world who you really are. The key is to know that you can make changes to improve the situation.

As long as you're ready to make a change.

Once you start taking action, the various negative emotions in your heart will naturally subside. In fact, action is often the best way to overcome all kinds of negative emotions.

I hope my answer helps. If you want to chat some more, just click "Find a coach" at the bottom and I'll get back to you directly.

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I really understand your predicament. First, I'll give you a big, warm hug!

Let's dive into the problem you encountered!

In the second year of high school, she was thrilled to answer questions in class. She thought her answers were hilarious, but the result was just average. She felt that other people didn't like her, but she was excited to keep trying!

2. There was a decline in grades. When walking, she wanted to attract other people's attention, but they seemed not to see her, and they did not take the initiative to greet her. As a result, she felt that other people did not like her and began to please others.

3. In the third year of high school, he made the exciting decision to switch to the arts stream and became very popular! He felt that other people liked the fake version of himself, not the real one.

4. Avoiding social interaction and being unable to accept one's true self has affected his studies and work.

In 2006, his grades dropped, he had conflicts with his classmate, and he felt that it was his own problem. He didn't know why he felt inferior — but he was excited to find out!

Let's dive in and do a simple problem analysis!

1. The questioner may have received more attention from their parents for their material needs than for their emotional needs in their family education. Their parents may have demanded more of themselves and been stricter with them. Over time, they will come to see that meeting their parents' needs also satisfies their own needs!

This may also lead to the questioner's sensitivity, lack of love, and lack of security. But don't worry! There are plenty of ways to overcome these challenges.

2. It's totally normal for the questioner to have regressed in their studies while others around them are doing well. It's a great opportunity to recognize that everyone has different strengths and abilities. It's important to remember that our self-worth is not defined by our studies alone.

3. Always feel that others don't like you. This may be due to learning, or it could be that the questioner has simply over-amplified the fact that others do not take the initiative to greet them. It is possible that others do not greet you not because they don't like you, but just because you are not particularly close. From another perspective, you also greet students you don't know well and have not spoken to much. There is no such thing as close or distant relationships. Don't over-interpret or rationalize your own thoughts. In fact, it is not objective.

Now for some truly inspiring analysis and solutions!

(1) Get your emotions in order, accept yourself unconditionally, and tell yourself that you are actually not bad!

(2) Always love yourself! You don't need others to define your existence. You are who you are, good or bad, and that is all on your own.

(3) Get rid of all that old baggage! Start fresh, don't take yourself too seriously, and don't overthink other people's actions. Just be yourself!

(4) It's time to stop the meaningless internal mental depletion of the self and stop thinking too much!

(5) Go on an amazing trip, go for a jog, hit the gym, or curl up with a good book!

(6) Find things that enrich your life! Try handicrafts, meditation, reading, or anything else that floats your boat.

(7) If someone doesn't greet you, you can take the initiative to greet them! It's a great way to get to know someone new. It might be a little awkward at first, but if you stick with it, you'll be amazed at how quickly you become friends.

(8) Learn to say no, establish a sense of boundaries, express your feelings honestly, eliminate the inner self-abduction, and you don't have to sacrifice your own feelings to satisfy others. Such friendships are short-lived and unstable. But you can do better!

(9) Be the best you can be! Love yourself! And remember, pleasing others is meaningless.

I really hope my answer is helpful! I really, really wish you will soon walk out of those dark clouds and welcome the sun of love! The whole world loves you, and so do I! ??

Hello, question asker. I am honored to answer your question.

First of all, I want to give you a hug and acknowledge your courage.

From what you told me about your deeply-rooted memory, I can see that you are in pain and feel helpless. It is clear that your academic problems and conflict with your desk mate in 9th grade triggered your inner emotions, such as loss, inferiority, helplessness, and loneliness.

You're starting high school with high hopes, but your academic struggles have left you feeling isolated and in need of support from your peers. Unfortunately, your expectations are once again being thwarted. You're frustrated because you feel like you're not being recognized or treated with respect by your peers. You're trying hard to please others and gain their attention, but you're starting to doubt that this is really you. You're starting to believe that others only like the "fake" you, which is causing you to feel lost, inferior, helpless, and alone. This cycle is exhausting you mentally and physically.

You wrote this down, so you must have the courage to come forward. I'm here to help.

##Needs and coping strategies##

Our lives are made up of different stages, and each stage has its own tasks.

Adolescents in junior high and high school have normal psychological needs for peer support, a sense of belonging, and respect. The psychological development task at this time is to form a unified self through the development of self-identity.

If development is successful, we will develop a corresponding sense of responsibility and good behavior strategies from each role to form a unified self.

If we fail to develop a sense of responsibility or good behavior strategies in certain roles, we will fall into a sense of self-confusion.

When dealing with interpersonal relationship problems, the questioner has developed a pleasing response style that allows them to gain good attention. This is because pleasing often makes others feel happy and is more likely to be accepted. Therefore, on the surface, it seems to have solved the interpersonal relationship problems.

At the same time, you will know deep down that this is not who you really are. People who are pleasing others tend to focus only on the feelings of others, often suppressing or ignoring their own feelings. This leaves you feeling confused and unsure of yourself. This is your inner voice calling out for self-identity.

##Low self-esteem and inferiority complex##

Adler was certain that everyone has a sense of inferiority. It is an emotional experience that occurs when a person is unable to respond appropriately to a problem. Since it is an emotional experience, there is no difference between good and bad.

This sense of inferiority is the fundamental driving force behind everyone's development. It brings about a sense of tension, and in order to get rid of this tense situation, people will use different ways to escape. Therefore, a sense of inferiority can be a deep driving force for us to work hard.

Everyone has experienced a certain degree of inferiority at some point, and this is normal and healthy. However, the "inferiority complex" is unhealthy and destructive. The inferiority complex refers to a vicious cycle of repeated entanglement between original inferiority and self-inferiority. Although it originates from a sense of inferiority, it lasts longer and is more widespread. It is easy to develop a low sense of self-worth, i.e., thoughts such as "it's all my fault," "it's all my fault," "I don't deserve it," etc.

##How to deal with it##

First, start saying "no" less often. Find someone you trust to practice with you. Express your thoughts and feelings, and accept negative feedback. Repeat this until you can face negative feedback without feeling guilty or blaming yourself.

Second, replace the thoughts and words in your mind of "I can't" and "I'm no good" with "I'll give it a try" and "I can." Tell someone you trust about your inferiority complex. Talking about it can reduce it by half.

If you need more psychological support and strength, you can seek help from a counselor. They will help you gain more energy and free yourself from your predicament.

The above are my personal opinions. I am confident they will be helpful to you. Thank you!

I guess it was just one of those things. Most of my classmates in the third year of junior high didn't get along that well, especially in 2005.

I'm not sure why, but I just loved a good fight or argument. I felt really uncomfortable if I didn't have one! This started happening after my grades started to decline.

I would easily fall out with people. There were probably four or five people who had falling outs with me, because the seating was changed every six months.

I didn't have many classmates, but I had this feeling that I didn't get along with a lot of people, even though there weren't many of them.

At that time, I was staying at my aunt's house. There was a friend there who was four years younger than me.

I also played around with the two of them. So, in that case,

I just had this feeling that I didn't get along with many people.

This experience helped me realize that my struggles in relationships with classmates were probably just a reflection of my own self-centeredness. At the time, though, I had good relationships with other people outside of school.

But I don't know why, even if I had a bad relationship with some of my classmates, it wasn't my fault. I guess I just formed a bad feeling about myself at that time.

I'm not sure if my poor academic performance was the reason for my lack of confidence in social situations. I always thought that I only started to feel inferior at the age of 17, but was I really feeling inferior at the time?

I really struggled to get along with at least one-third of my classmates at that time. Before that, I had almost never had any interpersonal problems with anyone.

One summer evening in 2005, a classmate even kicked me! I remember thinking at the time, "Don't they say that you're friends for life, like family?"

It might sound a little strange, but that's how I felt at the time.

So, from high school onwards, I chose not to associate with the people around me. They were their own people, I was mine. I guess you could say I had my own little bubble. I didn't really engage with the outside world because I felt like almost all relationships with classmates were unreliable. With benefits, everyone knows everyone. It just didn't feel worth it to me.

I'm not sure why I came to that conclusion. Even if one or a few classmates weren't the best, there were others who were wonderful. At the time, though, I just wasn't ready to have a relationship with a classmate.

2006, first year of high school. My subconscious at the time was that I just wasn't ready for a relationship with my classmate, but I was totally fine with everything else!

As a result, I really struggled to handle relationships well. I felt that almost half of my male classmates weren't good for me.

I had no problem with the folks in front of me or behind me, but I just couldn't seem to get along with my classmates, especially the boys.

That's why I don't remember much about my relationships with female classmates over the years. It seems that when I talk about classmates, they are all male, there are no females. I guess I just felt like I had to do great things and that love would get in the way.

I guess I just isolated and suppressed my emotions for female classmates, as if falling in love would affect my studies. I just didn't talk about it and chose to isolate myself. I didn't react to this until 2021.

I'm really sorry, but I've forgotten almost everything about my school days.

I think my mentality at the time was one of rejection of the outside world. I just felt that anyone who trusted in the relationships with classmates was a bit silly, and I had seen through it anyway.

From the start of my freshman year, I saw my classmates as just that: classmates. I didn't treat them like friends, and I didn't interact with them much. I even rejected them.

In the first year of high school,

I started to care about my relationships with classmates because I was misguided by the wrong ideas. Teachers and parents say that 70% of success in life comes from interpersonal relationships. I thought, "That's not good enough; the importance of studying is too low."

Back then, I thought that if you were diligent, you could learn anything. I didn't think studying was that important, so I focused on my relationships with classmates.

I really had to think about it. But then, in the spring of 2007, depression set in.

And then, there's always that feeling that you can't do it, that you're not good enough. It can come from not being able to solve a problem.

At that time, I felt like other people could influence my relationships with classmates. I'm not sure if it was a sense of dependency, but it felt like other people's attitudes determined my future.

At the time, I thought that I couldn't control how others felt about me. I also felt that I wasn't very good at this, that I couldn't do it, and that I had no control over it.

I think that has continued to this day, and I'm still working on it. I still feel like I can't control my interpersonal relationships, and social anxiety is also related to this.

I just couldn't help it. I think it might have something to do with my studies, and it spread to my relationships with other people, which I couldn't control. At the time, I understood very well that I wasn't getting along with people, but I knew I had to get along with people in the future. I was rather naive at the time and thought that if I didn't get along with my classmates, I wouldn't be able to get by in the future.

For example, if I went to do something, it happened to be with my classmates or something.

At that time, I was feeling pretty down and thought I wasn't good enough. Even though I didn't have many bad relationships with others, I still felt like I wasn't welcome, like I was ashamed of myself. But even so, I still didn't want to please the outside world. It was the second semester of my first year of high school.

2007. Sophomore year. Given my situation in freshman year and my concerns about interpersonal relationships, I really wanted to be popular.

So, I thought, I'll just answer the questions. That way, I'll get everyone's attention!

But when I answered a question and no one responded, I saw faces that seemed to be spitting contempt. I felt that the outside world was full of indifference, and even contempt. Just this once.

Before, answering questions could also cause cheers. But for some reason, it just wasn't the same after that.

Then, I borrowed my subsequent exam and scored in the top 30. I felt so ashamed! I just wanted others to pay attention to me, to feel a little sense of existence.

However, on a few occasions, when my classmates met me on the way, I felt that they didn't greet me or pay any attention to me. I was a bit hurt by this, as I felt they probably didn't like me.

For some reason, I still didn't try to please others, but I just felt a bit uncomfortable.

In 2008, I switched to the arts stream in my senior year. For some reason, I started to feel like I had to please others and show them that I was grateful for their kindness.

I think it might be because my second year of high school didn't go so well. I'm not sure why others welcomed me when I didn't do anything to deserve it.

I'm not as good as they think I am. I just sit there and study, and they probably just think I'm honest. But I don't think this gentle appearance is the real me. I've always felt that my real self is more like Vladimir Putin—a bit ruthless, but in a good way!

I'm just more genuine and don't get upset and turn away. I guess I don't act like this here because I don't know the social scene. I'm so happy to say that I'm now so honest and gentle, which is all due to a lack of confidence and being forced to be so.

I was really afraid to disagree with what others said. Then, because I wanted to make everyone happy, I started to speak more humorously.

But this is just to make others happy! I am a bit witty, but I prefer to be serious at school. So, although I have good relationships with people, I always feel like I'm being forced.

I feel like I'm compromising because I'm a sophomore and seem to be my true self. It's totally okay to feel this way! It's just the feeling of being unpopular.

In the first year of high school, I also felt like I didn't quite fit in. And I felt like I was in the majority.

I didn't do anything wrong! I just rejected the outside world internally. I think society is a bit dark, and maybe others see me as having a serious expression.

I guess I felt like I didn't have a great connection with people in my first year of high school. But I didn't try to please people outside of my circle.

In my second year of high school, I think my grades might have taken a bit of a dip.

On a brighter note, before I was in the third year of junior high school in 2005, I felt like I was doing pretty well. I was able to get along with others in elementary school, which was great!

I developed depression in 2007. It was a really tough time for me. I also came to the conclusion in my family that I would not be criticized if I got good grades, which was a big change for me.

I wish I could say I had come to this conclusion even in elementary school, but I didn't.

In 2007, at the beginning of the school year, I had a bit of a panic attack when I couldn't do the homework. I was so scared! I immediately wanted to seek the sense of security from my parents, so I became more agreeable and changed myself according to their wishes.

And then, a kind of conditional sense of security was also formed.

That is, academic performance. If you do well in your studies, you'll be praised and supported. But if you don't, you might face some challenges.

I mainly try to please my peers, and I don't try to please anyone else. I'm not sure if it's because I feel like my peers don't accept me, but I don't know if this is the result of me rejecting my peers internally.

I really do think my childhood should have been happy. I feel like I was neglected from an early age, which is a shame because after that, my grades declined.

I guess I also wanted attention, and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared. That's why I became so focused on being present.

Oh, I could definitely get attention! That was in the third year of high school, or so.

I just don't understand why it all went downhill so fast in my second year of high school.

Good day, inquirer.

From your written account, it is evident that you are driven by a strong desire to gain recognition from others, to fit in with the group around you, and to gain the attention of those around you. In addition to this strong desire, I also perceive some feelings of panic and fear.

From your writing, it is evident that you have a strong desire to gain recognition from others, to fit in with the social groups around you, and to gain the attention of those around you. In addition to this strong desire, I also perceive some feelings of panic and fear.

The text in question pertains to events that occurred a considerable time ago. Even the most recent date mentioned, 2007, is already 15 years in the past. In response to the questions raised, it may be beneficial to begin by examining the text in greater detail. Additionally, I will share some of my own thoughts in the hope of providing a different perspective.

Let us now examine the events that transpired at the time in question.

Let us examine the events that transpired at that time.

In this section, I have identified some of the events and encounters you have described. It may be beneficial to list them in chronological order for clarity.

In the third year of junior high school, there was a decline in academic performance, accompanied by a problematic relationship with a fellow student.

2. In the second year of high school, when answering questions in class, I provided responses that I considered humorous, but ultimately, my classmates did not respond.

In the second year of high school, he was ignored by passersby on the street, even though he was within their line of sight.

In your senior year, you transferred to the liberal arts program and experienced a significant increase in popularity and attention.

Let us examine the emotions that were present at the time.

It is a widely accepted premise that every experience is accompanied by corresponding feelings, which serve to alert us to specific situations. It is possible that some of these feelings have been previously avoided, but their existence is meaningful.

We will now examine the emotional responses elicited by the aforementioned events.

The subject attributes the occurrence of the event in the third year of junior high school to personal responsibility. The text indicates that the subject has formed a judgment regarding the cause of the event, which appears to be the decline in grades.

The incident in your second year of high school, in which your humor went unrecognized, led you to perceive yourself as unwelcome, on the grounds that your original intention had been to gain attention from others, but they had not responded. Here, I am somewhat uncertain as to the precise nature of the incident in question. Might it be the case that this incident was the catalyst for your feelings of unwelcome?

Alternatively, could it be that the constant experience of such events gives rise to this perception?

The incident of being ignored when greeting someone in your second year of high school led you to believe that others ignored you because they disliked you. You inferred that your attempts at pleasing others were the reason for your lack of attention. Here, we can see that in this whole incident, we have focused more on the emotional level, but what does it look like on the factual level?

In your third year of high school, you switched to the arts and experienced popularity and high attention, which led to feelings of inauthenticity. After this need was met, you exhibited some signs of aggression towards yourself. What, then, happened here?

Let us consider the potential courses of action.

As evidenced by the title, the questioner identified a need to please. It is plausible that the lack of acceptance of the "true self" and the "social phobia" mentioned by the questioner may be related to the need to please.

The following section will examine the characteristics of an individual with a pleasing personality type.

First and foremost, a pleasing personality is one that is constantly seeking to please others while simultaneously disregarding one's own feelings. This state of mind can potentially give rise to a number of psychological issues, including an excessive sensitivity to the feelings of others, a tendency to prioritize the needs of others over one's own, a fear of making requests or refusing others, a lack of clear boundaries and principles, and so forth.

The following section will examine the factors that contribute to the development of a personality that is perceived as agreeable.

1. Inability to receive unconditional love from parents in the original family. When parents' love is conditional, children will behave in ways that meet their parents' expectations.

This is because such individuals only feel safe and secure when they believe that they will not be abandoned.

2. The conviction that the sole means of attaining the approval and appreciation of others is to "please" them. Those who seek to please are, by definition, devoid of intrinsic value and influence. They tend to eschew alternative avenues for gaining the approval and appreciation of others, preferring instead to pursue a path that is perceived as both straightforward and expedient, akin to winning the lottery. However, the probability of success in this endeavor is frequently disregarded.

3. "Appeasing behavior" has become an integral aspect of one's self-perception, forming a subconscious definition of the self. This may be the most profound reason why individuals often find it challenging to alter their behaviors.

Once cognitive, behavioral, and thinking habits have been established, a solid model is formed. Even when the intention is to alter a single minor aspect, it appears that a complete denial of the self is necessary. This can result in feelings of panic, as though the self is no longer present.

Such circumstances will have an impact on us, resulting in a lack of motivation to explore our identity.

In conclusion, let us examine the potential avenues for enhancing a personality that is perceived as agreeable.

First, two premises must be understood:

1. It is essential to recognize that personal transformation necessitates individual effort.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that change is a process that requires time.

The second is the method of change.

1. One must cease attempting to satisfy the expectations of others. Henceforth, one should refrain from trying to please everyone in one's immediate vicinity.

Indeed, the individual in question may be anyone. It is imperative not to make excuses; a lack of satisfaction does not necessarily signify the dissolution of the relationship.

2. Cultivate a sense of inner fulfillment and abundance. The root cause of most of our behavior to please others is from the emptiness and lack within. When we are unable to be self-sufficient, we tend to seek external validation and attention to fill the internal void.

3. Develop a hobby that provides a sense of accomplishment. One can select an activity that is within one's control and derive strength from it.

Regardless of whether the pursuit is a hobby, an interest, the acquisition of a skill, or the satisfactory completion of one's duties, all of these can engender a sense of accomplishment, self-satisfaction, and self-affirmation. However, at this juncture, the attention and praise of others is not gained through the act of "pleasing" others. Instead, it is the result of the exertion of effort and the demonstration of value and ability in these domains, which naturally elicit attention and praise from others.

In addition to the potential influence of the original family, it is possible that individuals are consistently seeking external validation. When individuals cease self-devaluation and direct attention inward, it may represent the initial stages of genuine self-love, which may subsequently influence the way others perceive and interact with them.

Do not allow the bright life that should be yours to be buried and wasted in an attempt to please others. Here, numerous enthusiastic individuals are available to accompany you through challenging periods, and there are also numerous professional listeners and counselors who can provide professional assistance.

Following this series of explorations, you may have already formulated your own responses.

The aforementioned insights are offered in the hope that they may prove beneficial to those experiencing a challenging period.

It is my hope that these insights will prove beneficial to you during this challenging period.

I hope that all goes well for you and that you continue to improve.

The world and I extend our affection to you.

In 2007, the questioner was likely in their second year of high school, and they are now in their thirties. After such a long time, the questioner still recalls these events with remarkable clarity, indicating a continued level of interest in these matters.

In one instance, I responded to a question in class with the intention of eliciting humor, yet there was no discernible reaction. It seemed as though I was not welcomed.

Incident 2: My grades also declined at the time, and I was motivated to seek attention from others. However, I perceived that others did not acknowledge me, even if they did acknowledge me, they did not engage in conversation. From this, I concluded that others did not like me. Since my true self was not liked by others, I became someone who would please others.

In my third year of high school, I switched to the arts. I had a positive relationship with my peers and received considerable attention. However, I consistently felt that this was not an accurate representation of my true self. Instead, I perceived it as a mere facade, and believed that others were merely attracted to this false image.

In 2006, during my third year of high school, I experienced a decline in my academic performance and a deterioration in my interpersonal relationships. At the time, I was unable to identify the underlying causes of these changes. I attributed these difficulties to my own self-centered tendencies.

From these experiences, it is possible that the questioner has formed the following conclusion about themselves:

When I was unable to maintain satisfactory academic performance, demonstrated by my poor grades and lack of humor in my speech, I was met with indifference and lack of attention from my peers.

The authentic self is one who does not excel academically, who does not perform well on examinations, and who is not humorous.

Consequently, when I transitioned to the arts in my senior year, I experienced a surge in popularity and attention. However, at that juncture, I was not fully aligned with my authentic self. Instead, I was operating from a place of pretense, which led to the perception of a mere facade.

Therefore, if I wish to be liked and paid attention to by others, I must endeavour to be a "good person in every way and an outstanding person," which is tantamount to "pleasing others."

However, if the "true self" does not desire to "please" others, this would simply manifest as "social anxiety," rather than a tendency to be self-deprecating or to embarrass oneself.

It is evident that the questioner has exceedingly high expectations of himself. For instance, he aspires to be remarkably witty during his second year of high school, and he desires for everyone he encounters on the street to acknowledge him. It is uncertain whether such an ambitious goal can be attained.

One might inquire whether, when a teacher or principal traverses the street, they are universally acknowledged and greeted.

In comparison to these elevated expectations, how many individuals are not inclined to engage in self-deprecating behaviors?

One might inquire as to why the questioner has set such an "unattainable" goal for everyone to achieve. This may require the questioner to engage in more rigorous reflection.

I am of the sincere conviction that my reply will prove beneficial to you. I extend my best wishes to you.

It's been 15 years since the incident, and it still affects you today. This negative emotion is like a dark cloud that always hangs over you, making it difficult to see the sunshine in your life. You feel confused and want to get rid of it completely, so you have come for help.

The teenage years are a time of transition, when you're slowly moving from adolescence to young adulthood. It's also when you start to figure out who you are and what you want. Of course, you want to be liked by your friends, you want your parents to be proud of you, and you want your teachers to understand you. If you can make this transition successfully, you'll be able to adapt to the many different environments you'll encounter in the future.

If you don't feel good about yourself, it can make it harder to move through adolescence. You might start to doubt yourself, feel like you're not really yourself, and in some cases, you might even feel like you're two different people. These feelings can stick with you into adulthood.

From your message, I can tell that your grades dropped in the third year of junior high school, and you didn't get along well with your desk mate. This was a tough time for you. On the one hand, you felt like you weren't as smart as you thought you were, and on the other hand, your self-esteem was telling you to keep going and not let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.

Your natural instinct to defend yourself makes others think you're a bit self-centered. This can show up as a natural opposition to accepting other people's opinions, or it can come across as stubbornness and an inability to integrate into group life. Right now, your entire being is in a bit of a state of imbalance. You want to establish your sense of self and dignity, but you also lose confidence and become anxious and afraid. This was your situation in the third year of junior high school.

This state of imbalance continued until your second year of high school, and it continued to intensify. Your subconscious self was in a constant tug-of-war, wanting to show off your best self in front of your classmates, while at the same time hoping for positive feedback. Feedback is indeed very important, like a lifeline that can pull you up from the bottom of the well.

But things don't go as you wish. Your self-perceived humorous performance fails to become the straw that breaks the camel's back. You lose heart and walk along the street, trying to attract other people's attention, but once again, things don't go as you wish. At this moment, the sense of self-identity that you have worked so hard to establish is sadly shattered.

It's so hard to fit in with a group and get attention from others, isn't it? We all want to be liked and admired, but when we try too hard to please others, we lose sight of who we really are. It's like we're trying to be someone else to get what we want. But that's not who we are, and it's not sustainable. Our sense of self-identity gets lost in the process.

I can see that you're struggling with some issues that are holding you back. It seems like you're lacking in confidence, and you're trying to live your life for the sake of others. It's totally understandable! We all need a little support sometimes. It's also clear that you're seeking self-identity and confidence through the eyes of others. We all do that to a certain extent, but it's important to remember that you are worthy of love and support. I'm here to help you find the confidence you need to live your best life.

I think it's so important to remember what the wonderful Western philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau said: the value of life is determined by oneself.

You were born into this world as a living, independent individual. It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, beautiful, or ugly—everyone should have their own value. Your very existence is a miracle! You don't need to please or impress others to prove your existence, and you don't need to blame yourself for other people's judgments. People in your environment are there to help you adjust, analyze, and define yourself—they're not there to destroy, lose, or annihilate you!

The next thing you need to do is read well, read widely, and read deeply. Knowledge is the only effective way to improve your self-awareness. Knowledge can open your eyes, so that you can see yourself clearly, and also understand others correctly. Then you can fully affirm yourself, accept yourself from the bottom of your heart, and realize that you may still be imperfect, and you may not be able to satisfy everyone, including your own parents.

But you gradually grow in your knowledge day after day, and in the process of interacting with people, you discover your own uniqueness. This is a wonderful thing! It allows you to appreciate yourself, affirm yourself, and accept yourself, because you are the only one in the world who is you, and everyone else is different from you.

I really hope this article has been helpful for you. I love you, and I love the world too!

Good morning,

Reflecting on the year 2007, I spent some time considering the past. It is now 2022, and 15 years have passed. It is remarkable to see how a new life born back then is already in high school!

I'm not sure if you've been doing well over the years or if you're happy. Perhaps you've experienced a lot of challenges too.

If I may, I would like to offer you a hug, dear, and a hug to yourself as well, if you have had a difficult time over the years.

How might we understand what it means when others don't give us the feedback we expect?

In your description, you mentioned that you thought it would be funny, but there was no reaction at all. This seems to be an event and a fact.

My dear, humor can be influenced by a number of factors, including the time, place, and tone of voice, as well as the emotional state of the speaker. It's important to recognize that it's enough if we feel happy ourselves.

Or perhaps you feel that making others happy is the only way you can feel good about yourself. If they're not laughing, it might make you feel like you're not good enough or have no value at all.

I would like to respectfully propose that we consider the potential influence of childhood experiences on our relationship patterns.

I believe that any relationship can serve as a mirror, reflecting aspects of our own selves. It seems that you may feel adrift when interactions with others do not provide the feedback and attention you seek, leading you to question your worth.

This may have originated from the way you were treated by your parents when you were young. I'm not sure of the specifics, but I imagine that when you were a child, you rarely received positive responses from your parents. They may have even been reluctant to engage with you, no matter how you cried or screamed, or how much you wanted them to attend parent-teacher meetings. As a result, you may have developed a belief that, apart from eating and sleeping, the most important thing was to "get recognition and attention from others." This may have seemed more important than anything else, so you may have been constantly striving to "get attention and recognition from the outside world." However, the feedback you received from the outside world was never satisfactory, so you began to please others. But this still didn't make you feel satisfied. You may now be feeling very distressed and confused. Hugs

I wonder if we might consider the possibility of accepting this self.

First, from childhood onwards, the people around us have influenced us to believe that "we are not good enough." We come to understand that we need to work harder and make progress in order to be recognized, accepted, and loved.

It could be said that there is a grand conspiracy at play in society. Parents, teachers, politicians, and priests may train us to be obedient and easy to manipulate, so that we will work hard for these "vested interests" all our lives.

It may seem like a burden, but if we are content with this version of ourselves, we may find ourselves less inclined to engage in conflict with politicians.

If we are content with the way we are, perhaps we will not feel the need to force ourselves to cater to the expectations of others. If we accept the way we are, with our shortcomings and all, we may find that we are not driven to run to the priest to offer our money just to satisfy our desires and atone for our sins, to save our souls.

We must recognize that we cannot and should not obey rules and restrictions that are completely alien to us.

If we respect this version of ourselves, we will not enslave ourselves in order to gain recognition and acceptance. We will not silently tolerate the humiliation and unequal treatment inflicted on us by others. (From Aunando's "Say Yes to Life")

It would be beneficial to learn to accept ourselves, find our true selves, and set boundaries.

We have discussed how we develop and grow up in a social environment, subject to the constraints and influences of society. We believe that we have often felt pressured to conform to certain expectations and roles, such as that of a "consumer, builder..."

So, dear, let's accept and acknowledge all of this from now on! We may not be perfect, but from this moment on, we can work towards becoming the best version of ourselves.

It may be helpful to regain our self-awareness and hear the voice deep within by reading psychology books or going for face-to-face counseling.

For those interested in learning more about self-awareness and its development, I would suggest reading the book The Search for the Self by Erich Fromm. It offers a comprehensive exploration of the self from a variety of perspectives, including brain science, ethics, social morality, and psychoanalysis, as well as other factors related to human nature and personality. Another valuable resource is the new book The Birth of the Self by Wu Zhihong, which employs a wealth of personal counseling case studies to delve into the intricacies of self-formation. While self-awareness is undoubtedly a crucial aspect of interpersonal relationships, it is not the sole determining factor in our ability to navigate these dynamics effectively. In addition to self-awareness, it is essential to establish clear boundaries, discern between what is our own responsibility and what is another person's concern, and cultivate a sense of personal and social responsibility. The book Self-Boundaries offers invaluable insights on these crucial aspects.

It may also assist us in living more easily and happily, while reducing the distress that can arise from interpersonal relationships.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. I love you all!

Dear Question Asker,

I have carefully reviewed your question and attempted to gain a comprehensive understanding of the situation based on the limited information provided. However, I must admit that your description leaves me with some uncertainty. Nevertheless, I am confident that the more vague your description is, the more I am able to ascertain that your situation may have become increasingly challenging since 2006. I wish you the best.

I am concerned about your assertion that you do not feel accepted by your peers for who you really are. I would like to identify a genuine sense of self from the descriptions you have provided.

You have previously stated that your performance is not genuine, and that you are a self-pleasing individual who does not present your true self.

I'm intrigued. Could you please elaborate on why you felt your life in your senior year did not align with your true self? When did you feel you were truly expressing your authentic self? I believe the response you gave in your second year of high school provides a good example. After answering the question, your classmates and teacher reacted with laughter, which seemed to validate your decision to embrace humor. In other words, humor seemed to be your true self. However, when you faced failure, you appeared to lose motivation. This also seemed to align with your true self.

You then recognized that this approach was ineffective and adjusted your interpersonal style. After transferring to your senior year, you became popular and received significant attention. I found this surprising. Why did you believe that was necessary? Did you feel that wasn't your true self?

I believe that during your senior year of high school, you demonstrated capabilities that are not typical of the average student. Why is your potential self not your real self?

I am unaware of your experiences over the past 15 years, including your time at university and in the workforce. Could you please clarify why you still hold a grudge against your life during your time in junior high and high school?

I believe you may have identified the root cause of your current situation, although I am unsure why you have done so. However, now that you have identified it, you will be able to address the issue more effectively in the future. I commend you for your strength and resilience.

I believe it is crucial for you to ascertain your true self. Why are you so certain that it is not your true self? It is possible that you possess a socially anxious and ingratiating personality type. This type of personality is also challenging for you to navigate, and you dislike it. You also wish to alter it significantly.

I have formed these opinions based on your assertion that you possess a pleasing personality, which does not align with my observations. If you are indeed a pleasing personality, I question how you have managed to advance in your field. You have also indicated that you experience social anxiety, even to the point of avoiding going out to work when it reaches a critical level. This presents a paradox for someone who views themselves as a pleasing personality. In my assessment, if you possess a pleasing personality, it is unlikely that you would have gradually developed social anxiety over time.

There is only one possibility, unless it is the true self, that is, the subconscious mind, there is this social phobia, which is attributed to an inferiority complex. Perhaps it is a bit unfair to be inferior? In fact, everyone has an inferiority complex. Didn't Adler write a book about inferiority complex and transcendence? If you have read this book, you may have a different understanding of inferiority complex.

In my analysis of these examples, I have found that the cause in front of you will not necessarily lead to the result behind you. However, I also recognize that we are all different. What you consider impossible may have already happened to him. I empathize with and understand your current situation.

Individual perceptions can result in disparate outcomes. It is my hope that you will cease spinning in your own thought bubble. In other words, 15 years ago, when we reflect on it now, try to interpret it in another way, or the opposite. For example, when you answered the question, "Is your current memory still accurate?" Why did you answer the teacher's question in your second year of high school?

Additionally, we strive to be humorous and elicit laughter from the entire class. We recognize that memories are subject to bias, but were you certain that your actions were perceived as you recall them? Furthermore, if the entire class did indeed laugh, did you feel you had crossed a line?

Should you not forgive yourself?

To confirm this, you might inquire with your close associates or instructors. I recognize that this may be challenging for you, but even if you do, I'm afraid they'll have already forgotten, little by little. The answer from that day, at that time, in that moment is inconsequential. I simply let it go. For example, the situation in the third year of junior high school, and the situation when my grades regressed. All of this has passed with the passage of time, and it's all left behind at that time and in that moment.

We are currently in a period of redefinition, where we are living in the present and embracing our true selves. If we identify as socially anxious and have a pleasing personality, we should accept ourselves as we are. When we feel socially anxious, we should forgive ourselves, prioritize self-care, and then resume social interactions when we are able to overcome our challenges. What's wrong with a pleasing personality? It demonstrates our capacity to influence others in a positive way.

As long as it's flattery, we can achieve our desired outcomes. This is a viable approach.

If you refrain from wearing flashy clothes and dress in a more modest style, will the people around you still view you in the same way?

I believe it would be beneficial for you to cultivate a more agreeable personality. However, based on your description of the issue, it seems that this ability of yours is gradually diminishing as you become increasingly disillusioned. If that is indeed the case, I would like to commend you. It appears that you have already begun to recognize the true essence of your personality.

This is an acceptable approach. We are not concerned with pleasing others, so we will not attempt to do so. From this point forward, we will simply be ourselves and observe how others interact with us, given that we are already adults.

What if our approach is well-received? What if it is not?

They are not our employers, nor do they have any authority over our work. We are not required to seek their approval or permission. We are free to conduct ourselves as we see fit. Why do we need their approval?

As long as we are satisfied with ourselves and conduct our lives in a manner that aligns with our values, we will be successful.

We are in our thirties and at the peak of our energy. In terms of strength, our counterparts are no match for us; in terms of experience, they are no match for us. In what way can we not outlive them? Look ahead to the future. From tomorrow onwards, decide that whatever you do now is real.

You are the key to your own success.

Have confidence in the world and in yourself!

It's totally normal to still think about your experience as a student more than ten years ago. It's had such a profound impact on you that it's natural to still speculate and think about it as an adult.

I'd like to share something with you that I hope will help you think about your past experiences in a new way.

First, take a moment to understand what you are in the present. What do you want to further explore and excavate during the period 2006-2008?

Our past experiences are like the streets we've walked down, leaving footprints and imprints deep within our hearts.

And at this very moment, appearing in the Q&A section and presenting it again to the original poster in writing, perhaps this point in time is an additional element worth exploring: what makes exploring yourself from more than ten years ago so important at this moment?

The events you experience in the present may be the key to re-examining past experiences. The connection between the two may also be telling you about an inner code that you are not yet aware of, but that you can learn more about with time and patience.

Second, it would be really helpful for you to think about what impact these self-doubts have had on your current life and how you have dealt with them.

We often put ourselves into boxes, don't we? Social phobia and a pleasing personality are just two of the labels we attach to ourselves. It's as if we're carrying two big mountains on our backs!

You see that you don't even dare to go out the door and express your true self. Such worries have affected your life, so how have you coped over the past ten years or so?

Over the past ten years, I've been there with you, feeling your hardship and your hard work. Without more details, I'd love to invite you to return to your three years of junior high and high school life from 2006 to 2008, when you were in your senior year. How have you lived up to the present, which is full of your own wisdom and courage?

At the end of the day, we can't change what's already happened, but we can change how we think about it.

You've mentioned many times that the real self may not be accepted. So, perhaps we can try to first depict what the real self really is like?

It's been more than ten years now. Has this true self remained unchanged, or has it actually taken on many different facets?

When we have the chance to take another look at what we've always believed to be true and then think back on what happened from 2006 to 2008, we'll find there are lots of different ways to view this past.

If we get too caught up in one way of seeing things, we might find ourselves stuck in the present moment, like the man in the story who carved his boat on the shore to save his sword that had fallen into the water. But if we keep an open mind and embrace the idea that there are many different ways of looking at things, we can see the beautiful kaleidoscope of colors that life has to offer.

I'm not exploring human nature, but just a therapist who cares about the human heart. I really do wish you well!

Hi, dear! I hope you're having a great day!

I'm Xian Xianren, a counselor, and I'm thrilled to have this opportunity to chat with you about growth.

After reading your message, I feel that deep down inside, you still remember the unsatisfactory state of affairs in your junior and senior years of high school. But guess what? You can change that!

If these past memories are what we call information, and if we liken them to the scenery we see with our eyes, then how we interpret and feel about this information is like the pair of glasses we wear and the color of the lenses—and it's a beautiful thing!

I truly believe that our feelings are very real. And when we feel inside that we are not accepted and included by others, it gives us a sense of being abandoned, or even unloved. No one likes that feeling. But here's the good news! We all long for love, and the proof of being loved is so important. So, we will try every means to get the nourishing energy that comes with that love.

In other words, you crave love! It's the highest psychological need we're born with, and it's a wonderful thing.

From the moment we are born, we are ready to take on the world! Our primary needs are for physical care and a sense of security. Then, as we enter adolescence, we are ready to spread our wings and fly! We need to be seen, to feel independent and autonomous, to belong. This means that we need to be able to make our own decisions, but also to feel supported by our family and classmates, so that we can feel accepted by someone or some group. This process strengthens our perception of our own image and determines our role in our "small society" (school).

So, when we don't get this sense of belonging at school, that is, when we don't feel accepted, it's time to start building our sense of identity! The downside is that we won't be able to define ourselves and we won't dare to show our true selves.

You said it! No one likes the real me, so I try to please others.

But, pleasing others is ultimately a pretense that cannot last long. This is why you feel like you are being dishonest. It makes you feel as if you are wearing a mask, which is very uncomfortable. But, you can do it! You can be yourself!

And there's always a chain of events in this cycle!

Desire to be liked/accepted → feel that your true character is unappealing → change your behavior to please others → superficially gain their approval → still feel unappreciated But there's a way out!

If this goes on and on, it's like a closed loop, and there's no way to break it. But there is a way out!

[Advice section]

It's time to start exploring yourself!

Do you like yourself? Absolutely! When a person can love themselves from the bottom of their heart,

—— In the above train of thought, there is a very important motivation, namely our desire to be liked by others and to obtain the energy of 'love'. But here's the catch: if we can find our own bright spots and let them shine so brightly that no one can ignore them, then this is the brightest part of our lives. And with the light from this part, we can attract more positive attention!

—— I'd love to hear what characteristics and advantages you feel you possess that others cannot match! And apart from academic performance, what other attributes (including your personality, conversation, and communication) are like?

I'd love to know how I can objectively understand my image in other people's minds!

2. The attention we crave may be traced back to some elements of our family and upbringing, which means there are things we can do to make sure we get it!

For example, I'd love to hear about your parents' attitude towards you when you were young. And when you felt insecure, how did your family guide and help you?

What an amazing time of life! During the process of puberty, what was the most positive influence on you during the age of 12-18? What was the relationship between the other person and you?

Now for the best part! What is the most valuable or meaningful part of the experience?

Once you've done some self-exploration, you can start trying out the trial steps of the 'adjustment' stage!

It's time to start building some new relationships!

From your past experiences, you often did not receive positive recognition or attention from your classmates at school. This caused you some burden and pressure, and at the same time made you feel that you were not liked and you had a sense of inferiority. But it is precisely because you believe in your heart that the other person ignores you because you are not likeable that you can change this!

But what if there's a chance that in different circles, people will like your performance? Think about it. In other circles, people talk about things they like. Could your feelings be different in that atmosphere?

I really think you should try it! When you feel differently, your understanding will lead to new ideas.

2. Get ready to dive into some amazing books on philosophy, human nature, and psychology!

There's a saying that I love: "The more you read, the more you know." Sometimes, we face problems because we haven't read enough books to solve them. So, let's read!

Have you ever wondered why they say that "there is gold in the books"? It's because books, especially classic books, are the crystallization of wisdom that has been passed down for hundreds or even thousands of years! Our predecessors have already experienced every difficulty in life thoroughly, and all we need is to find such books, immerse ourselves in them, and experience the stories and feelings of the authors. Perhaps after a spiritual cleansing, many doubts and confusions will be released in an instant!

I highly recommend the following books: Dr. Hai Lan, "Perfect Imperfection 1.2" and "The Wisdom of Going with the Flow."

3. {Among peers, the real self is not accepted, and one dares not express the real self. One dares not even go out the door, and in serious cases, let alone work. But there is hope!

What could possibly go wrong if you express your true self? Absolutely nothing!

If the result is still acceptable, then you will reconsider how to express your true self. How do you understand this part of the truth? After all, things are dialectical, with both positive and negative aspects, and you can choose which aspects you want to focus on!

- Work is a workplace. What are the amazing benefits of being liked and recognized by others? Apart from being recognized by others, what other conditions can produce the same effect?

I'm so excited to answer your questions! I really hope my answers will inspire and help you.

? The world and we love you so much!

Questioner: Hi, I'd like to make a few points based on your experience.

First, you mentioned that you thought you were really funny after answering a question in class, but then no one responded at all. So you felt like you weren't popular with everyone.

This is actually pretty normal. It's often the case with classmates in our class, too. Maybe they weren't paying attention in class, or maybe they were too shy with a teacher there. Is it biased to jump to conclusions based on this alone?

Secondly, when walking down the street, if someone doesn't greet you, it could be that they didn't see you, or that they are an introvert and are embarrassed to say hi. I'm like that sometimes too. I want to say hi, but if I see that the other person isn't looking at me, I don't say hi either.

First of all, it's not a good idea to try to be someone you're not. You'll end up losing who you really are. It's better to be yourself and express yourself boldly. If a classmate doesn't greet you, you can go up to him or her and say hello.

It's important to be yourself.

Third: Don't worry. People who like you will like you no matter what. Just be yourself, be genuine, and don't be fake.

It's important to understand that you're the only one who can live your life day by day. No one will live your life for you, and no one will take responsibility for your life. You need to face each day of your life with an independent and responsible attitude. Other people's opinions are just a reference. Sometimes, if you care too much, it will backfire.

She's always happy because she's good at being herself. We all have outside voices, but they're just references. If you're unhappy, don't take them too seriously. You only live once, so live for yourself. Your happiness is the most important thing. Don't overthink it. Pleasing yourself is the most important thing.

.

I hope my answer helps you out. Wishing you all the best!

This little friend:

Hello!

You describe a life experience like this:

In high school, I answered questions in class in a humorous way, and my classmates ignored me.

You want to get the attention of your classmates, but when you walk down the street, they ignore you and no one ever initiates a conversation with you.

You have come to the conclusion that you are an unpopular person, that no one likes you, and that no one accepts you.

You will continue to use this conclusion to deny yourself and blame yourself, causing emotional distress and impairing your social functioning. For example, you will be unable to do your job well and you will be afraid to go out, which will seriously affect your life and work.

You try to improve the situation by getting along with others by catering to and pleasing them. However, you soon realize that while this can establish interpersonal relationships, it also distances you from your true self.

The ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus once said, "It is not the things themselves that trouble us, but our views of them." Emotions and behaviors are affected by our views of events, not the events themselves.

Therefore, in high school, you must distinguish between the fact that others did not give you positive feedback and responses, and that you were an unpopular person. If you follow the logic that the two are equivalent, it will inevitably lead to a self-defeating predicament, thereby losing the opportunity to develop yourself and ultimately becoming a loser in life.

The attitude of others is not a true reflection of your value. It's time to change your mindset. Become the person you like, not someone others like. That's the beginning of your metamorphosis.

Best wishes!

Good morning,

If an individual does not receive positive feedback and support during their growth process, they are likely to become self-doubting and question their own actions. However, as adults, people gradually mature mentally and their worldviews are established. If at this time they remain stuck in the feelings and patterns of the past, it will be challenging for them to confront the problems in reality and grow together in the course of life.

Please indicate whether the past provided positive or negative energy.

In 2007, when I was a sophomore in high school, I recall an incident in which I answered a question in class with the intention of providing humor, but received no reaction. It seemed as though I was not welcomed.

During my academic career, I also experienced difficulties in keeping pace with my peers. I felt that I was overlooked and ignored by others, even when they were in my presence. I came to the conclusion that I was not liked by others. I did not like my true self, so I became someone who was pleasing to others.

I was in my final year of high school, had transferred to the arts track, had a positive rapport with others, and received a great deal of attention. However, I always felt that this was not the genuine me, that it was all inauthentic, and that what others liked was merely a false appearance.

In describing the issue, the individual referenced an incident that occurred in class in 2007. The discrepancy between his expectations and the reality of the situation led to negative emotions and self-doubt. However, the opposite occurred. Later in his academic career, he was well-liked and sought after by others. Nevertheless, I continued to deny myself, believing that this was an inaccurate assessment. It appears that external feedback is no longer effective in positively affirming my self-esteem. Upon examination, the root cause may be attributed to the chain effect caused by the regression in junior high school grades in early 2006. Alternatively, it could be due to the negative inner thoughts about ourselves, which are reinforced by external feedback. As the commonality of all problems points to the same direction, it is evident that I lack the ability to affirm myself.

The question thus arises as to whether a person can truly lose the capacity to self-affirm.

Affirmation is a key factor in maintaining psychological energy after growth. Mindfulness practice, changing one's way of thinking, and seeing a positive perspective can all contribute to this affirmation. The circumstances during growth have a significant impact on a person's psychological energy after growth.

Individuals who are affirmed, loved, and supported in their formative years tend to possess greater mental fortitude and resilience when confronted with adversity. Conversely, those who lack such affirmation may be more prone to self-blame and the attribution of personal shortcomings to external factors. However, in reality, these individuals may be experiencing the consequences of a lack of care and neglect.

What is the correct way to view oneself?

[Confront your own challenges and develop your skills]

If the issue is rooted in past experiences that have led to self-doubt, it is essential to address it directly, assess the current situation objectively, and avoid dwelling on past events in search of answers. Past experiences can limit our perspective because they often instill a sense of usefulness, or the feeling of being needed. This can lead to the question, "If I adjust myself and rearrange, will things turn out differently in the past?" However, this approach ignores the possibility of other factors. The feedback from colleagues may not be solely my responsibility; it may be due to other factors. I cannot control every objective factor, so it is crucial to learn to step out of the past and view it from a realistic perspective. The past is just something that has happened. By acknowledging our limitations and moving on from the past, we can start to address problems head-on and adjust ourselves in the present, welcoming the growth and evolution of our lives.

Take time to reflect on your challenges and identify your strengths and weaknesses.

If past experiences are perceived as positive, individuals may find themselves constantly recalling the past and reminiscing about it, which can impede their ability to adapt to the present. However, this avoidance strategy does not address the underlying issue and prevents a frank assessment of one's performance. If past experiences are deemed positive, it is possible to extract useful insights to inform future development. However, remaining in the past can limit one's actions and may be overlooked by the individual.

It is therefore necessary to consider the issue from a different perspective in order to identify the advantages and disadvantages inherent in our current approach, gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and the situation, and adopt a more objective stance. This is the optimal mindset for moving forward and embracing new opportunities.

To be accepted, one must first accept oneself.

Consider how you would feel if you were in the same space as a stranger. Since we must adapt to new environments, we initially find it challenging to adapt to the presence of other people. We are concerned about what others think and pay attention to our own behavior. However, over time, it will be difficult for us to focus on ourselves and others, and we will start to relax. Nevertheless, we will still feel uncomfortable because we don't know each other, there are unfamiliar factors, and a sense of distance will naturally arise.

However, if we first accept our shortcomings and embrace our authentic selves, we can then interact with others in a more positive and comfortable manner. When we are unable to accept ourselves, it can feel like being isolated in an unfamiliar environment and crammed in the same space with other people, which can make it challenging for us to adapt and connect.

It is not always necessary to be overly critical of oneself. The first step is to develop self-love. Only when you have inner strength will you not fear negative feedback from others.

I wish you the best of luck and extend my best wishes to you.