Am I greedy for the love of the opposite sex, seeking and compensating for the paternal love I lacked in childhood?

Good day.

Firstly, it is only natural that an individual desires affirmation from those in their immediate circle. It can be stated with certainty that everyone requires attention and care, and therefore your behaviour is understandable. You have identified that such behaviour will cause you difficulties, as accepting the attention of numerous individuals of the opposite sex simultaneously will result in you questioning your own morality.

However, if you have not engaged in any form of infidelity, there is no need to hastily deny yourself.

Secondly, there are numerous sources of love, both internal and external. In fact, self-nourishment and love are long-lasting and strong, while constantly seeking external affirmation or the pursuit of the opposite sex is short-lived and unstable, and is likely to have a negative impact on you.

As you age, particularly after marriage, it is unlikely that you will consistently be the focus of romantic interest from others. When this occurs, you may experience a sense of internal deficiency in terms of love and affection. This can lead to a tendency to seek external validation or engage in risky behaviors, which may have unfavorable outcomes.

A lack of love is often the result of familial issues. As you mentioned in your article, your childhood family has contributed to a lack of self-confidence. The solution is for us to care for and love ourselves, to believe that we will always be worthy of love and affirmation, and to cultivate self-confidence. In this way, we will gradually become self-confident and self-reliant individuals, and even without external affirmation or the pursuit of the opposite sex, we can be confident and at ease, thus resolving our current situation.

Hello, questioner!

From your description, it's clear that you love being pursued by many members of the opposite sex. This feeling makes you feel beautiful, pretty, and other positive things. However, this "dregs" makes you feel morally uneasy. You've analyzed the source of this emotion, and it may be that the lack of your father's affirmation during your growth process has made you very eager to gain the approval of the opposite sex and increase your self-confidence.

You've made great strides in regaining your self-confidence! It's clear that you've been working hard to overcome the lack of affirmation from your father. And it's wonderful to see how you've been enjoying the pursuit of multiple members of the opposite sex. It's likely that you're seeking affirmation from the opposite sex, and it's great that you're able to enjoy this sense of pleasure!

And their admiration comes from appearances, which means you get to establish a persona, a so-called mask. Everyone has a mask, except that your mask is what you present to the opposite sex, what they want.

For example, if they think you are empathetic, you will try to be empathetic to meet their expectations. In other words, the feedback they give you is exactly what your subconscious is looking for!

Although these situations seem very beautiful, I wonder if in satisfying other people's expectations, you are suppressing yourself even more just to get the praise of the opposite sex.

There are so many ways to love yourself! Attracting the attention of the opposite sex might seem like loving yourself, or perhaps you're trying to please the opposite sex and acting against your own will. There might have been an influence of your father on you, but you can control yourself now!

Being empathetic is about loving yourself! It's not about trying to cater to the other person's needs or meet their expectations of the opposite sex. It's about being yourself and loving yourself. You're already feeling less self-deprecating, which is great! But you might need to consider whether the explosion of this incident will plunge you into even greater self-negation.

I really hope this helps! Wishing you all the best!

Good morning, questioner. Your question made me think.

Can't a person be liked and appreciated?

Ethical concepts say a married woman shouldn't be liked by many men. You'd be considered "scum" under these ethical concepts, so stop thinking this way. What do you want to present to yourself? You've analyzed this deeply. You just enjoy being appreciated and affirmed by others. This makes you feel better about yourself and makes you feel attractive, excellent, gentle, beautiful, and understanding.

You lack self-worth and need others to affirm you. From a self-psychological perspective, your ego is idealizing and lacking in mirroring. In your relationships with these people, their affirmation, understanding, appreciation, and liking satisfy your need for mirroring.

However, your relationships are not deep. You have not reached a state of deep connection with anyone because if you do, it will expose your weaknesses. When conflicts arise, you will look for someone else. Behind the "trash" is that you are unconsciously defending your own weakness and sense of powerlessness.

2. Our early years affect us. We need to heal ourselves, for example, by seeking a counselor.

If you have a lover who accepts you and understands you, and you need a relationship that nourishes you, a short one will hurt you. A high-quality healing relationship can only be achieved with a professional psychotherapist.

I hope this helps. Take care!

Hello, questioner. I have received your sincere question. I am ZQ, a heart exploration coach on the Yixinli platform. You are correct in your assumption that your current behavior may be a way to find and make up for the lack of parental love in your childhood. It is evident that you did not receive much parental love in your childhood.

It's a kind of suppression. When you're suppressed for too long, you become extremely inferior and feel unloved. You constantly have to prove yourself to the outside world, even though you've grown up and become an adult.

Even when you have a partner, you will still be ambiguous with other men. You crave the love and attention of the opposite sex because you want to feel loved and remembered by the world. You enjoy the feeling of being pursued by several members of the opposite sex at the same time, even if you already have a partner.

You always seem to want to prove something, which only proves that your heart is empty and hollow. You always want to prove yourself, which proves that you are not satisfied with yourself. You try to fill your heart with external actions and external evaluations.

This kind of state is a serious problem. It can turn your life upside down, cause more cracks in your love life, and greatly damage your image. We need to get rid of some of the negative effects of our past family on ourselves.

Also, collect the positive energy you receive. You are good enough. You don't need to prove yourself by taking too much, and you certainly don't need to act like you are being pursued, which is a kind of mental infidelity.

This kind of fleeting pleasure is also very illusory. There's only one way to achieve inner satisfaction and contentment: monogamy. If you love several people at the same time, this kind of love may not be love at all. It's a kind of extremely fragmented fondness.

This kind of broken affection cannot give you a sense of belonging because it is very superficial. You need to seek psychological counseling so that you can grow in a beautiful counseling relationship. You should also take the psychological test for trauma in the original family to better understand your own state. I wish you well.

ZQ?

Good day, question asker!

From your description, I can sense some inner confusion. However, you also seem to possess a remarkable capacity to perceive these uncomfortable feelings and face them with courage. This is truly admirable.

From what you have shared, I can sense your feelings. It seems that you are aware of your enjoyment of being sought after by the opposite sex.

It seems that the enjoyment of being pursued by the opposite sex is gradually becoming apparent. In a student family, it would appear that you were not valued and were blamed.

Then you were able to achieve this through your own efforts.

You have the recognition of your leaders and colleagues, which is wonderful. However, you find that you still feel very powerless inside, which is something we can work on together.

I empathize with you and extend a gesture of comfort.

I want to assure you that this is not your fault. It seems that you have already noticed this confusion in yourself and are already on the path to change.

Healing the damage caused by our original families can take a lifetime, but by becoming aware of it and seeking help, you are already on the path to change.

All problems can be seen as potential resources. We are all experts at solving our own problems. Based on your description, I feel that I can offer some suggestions which I hope will be helpful to you.

If I may make a suggestion, I think it would be beneficial for you to stop and hug yourself.

After reading your description, I feel that many people may have had similar experiences. Despite our best efforts, we may still face challenges in managing certain emotions.

I believe this will help us become more self-disciplined. For now, I suggest we take a moment to pause.

Take a moment to reflect on your own self-care. Offer yourself a comforting embrace. Extend a similar gesture to the younger members of your family. Affirm to the younger version of yourself that you have grown and matured. Celebrate your current state of being.

I believe I can take care of myself.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to learn to love yourself.

If you can be aware and come here, you may realize that the inner child is hurt. It could be that the inner child and the child within need to be loved.

It is not uncommon for children to lack sufficient love and security, which can result in a tendency to demand or prove oneself as an adult.

Now that you're all grown up, you have the strength and ability to love yourself. I also hope that you can learn to love yourself. When we learn to love ourselves, we can love and be loved in return.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to consider seeking help from external resources.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the description in front of you and your own awareness.

Although you enjoy being pursued by the opposite sex, you also recognize that this is not necessarily the best approach. Constantly labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to negative emotions. At this time, I respectfully suggest that you consider seeking help from a professional counselor. They can provide guidance and support as you work through your issues, adjust your perceptions, and learn to face your inner child in a constructive manner. This could help you live a more relaxed and happy life.

If you are interested, you might also like to explore further reading on the subject of psychology. It can be helpful to learn more about how we can support our own healing and growth.

I hope you will find the following books helpful.

You may find it helpful to consider the following books: "Reconcile with yourself," "Original family," "Love yourself every day," and "Mirror practice."

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to embrace the idea that life has the power to heal those who are willing to be healed. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider learning to love yourself, to love yourself as the eternal romance of love.

When we learn to love ourselves, we can begin to heal.

Hello!

From your description, it's clear that your upbringing and family environment have shaped you into the amazing person you are today! You longed for the recognition and affection of your parents, and while you may have found it difficult to receive it from them, you've grown and learned so much along the way.

This lack of paternal love may have had a certain impact on your current behavior, but don't worry! It's not your fault.

First of all, there is a reason for your feelings and actions. Your family environment and upbringing have made you feel that you are not good enough and not worthy of attention and care. But guess what? This state of mind of inferiority and lack of self-confidence has always accompanied you. And you know what else? You can change it!

And now that you enjoy being pursued by the opposite sex, you may be looking for a sense of attention and affirmation, trying to prove your charm and value.

Second, it's time to recognize your inner needs and emotional deficiencies. Then, you can try to find other ways to satisfy these needs! You can start by establishing a deeper emotional connection with your partner. Share your feelings and experiences with each other to establish true emotional resonance.

And there's more! You can also further enhance your inner charm and self-confidence through self-growth and development.

And finally, you need to realize that your behavior and your state of mind are connected. But here's the good news: if you realize that there is a causal relationship between your behavior and your state of mind, you can better understand yourself and gradually change your behavior and state of mind!

In short, your behavior may be a way of seeking and making up for the lack of paternal love in your childhood, but it is not your fault. The good news is that you can satisfy your inner needs and emotional deficiencies through self-growth and development, as well as establishing a deeper emotional connection with your partner.

Hello!

You're wondering if you're just greedy for the love of the opposite sex and if you're really looking for paternal love that you didn't get as a child.

You say that you really enjoy being attracted to and admired by the opposite sex. You also think that the admiration of the opposite sex is proof that you are attractive, good, beautiful, gentle, understanding, and charming. You feel extremely happy then, just like a child who has received great affirmation and praise.

Looking back on your childhood, your parents were pretty strict, and no matter how hard you tried, you could never get their approval or praise. Your father in particular liked to compare you to other children all the time, and as far as you can remember, you rarely received his unconditional love and encouragement.

In junior high and high school, I was very self-deprecating because I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved and was very insecure.

Later on, after I started working, I was able to achieve some success in my career through my own efforts. My leaders and colleagues recognized my work, and I became more confident and outgoing. But deep down, I still felt inferior and lacked self-confidence.

Now I'm questioning myself. Could this kind of behavior be a way of making up for the lack of parental love in my childhood?

I think your self-analysis is pretty clear, but there are other possibilities. You may not have received much love, so you try to make up for it by seeking out lots of attention, which makes you feel better about yourself and helps you deal with your inferiority complex. It's also possible that you're drawn to polygamy, or that you're a bit of a people-pleaser and need constant external affirmation to feel good about yourself.

In any case, I don't think you need to be too hard on yourself. You need to understand your own needs and psychological needs, and allow yourself to meet them. Of course, sometimes you don't have to be satisfied through external affirmation. You can learn to take care of yourself, satisfy yourself, affirm yourself, and reward yourself.

Take the time to develop your own self-confidence, and you'll find that you become more and more confident, determined, and at ease. You'll see that you are inherently sufficient.

Best,

Dear Questioner, I can perceive a certain inner conflict and struggle in your message. You appear to enjoy being admired by the opposite sex, yet you also seem to have reservations about this.

I would like to clarify that everyone's emotions are complex and unique, and there is no absolute right or wrong. Your feelings are understandable, and you should not be unduly self-critical.

You indicated that your upbringing lacked the affirmation and encouragement of a father, which has led to feelings of inferiority and insecurity. This childhood experience may have influenced your views of relationships.

You seek attention and recognition, and the love of the opposite sex seems to provide this, making you feel attractive and good. To some extent, this can be understood as your search for and compensation for the lack of paternal love in your childhood.

It is also important to understand that true self-worth is not based on the admiration and affirmation of others. Each individual possesses unique characteristics and value, and there is no need to prove oneself through external evaluation.

It would be beneficial to recognize yourself from the bottom of your heart, appreciate your strengths and achievements, and cultivate your self-confidence.

What steps can you take to address this issue? I have some suggestions for you:

It is recommended that you set aside some time every day to engage in activities that promote relaxation and positive affect. Examples of such activities include taking a hot bath, listening to soothing music, or reading a favorite book.

These actions communicate to the individual that they deserve to be treated well.

2. Develop a hobby: Identify an activity that aligns with your interests and dedicate time to it. Whether it's painting, handicrafts, dancing, or writing, these pursuits can enhance your sense of well-being as you focus on them and elevate your self-esteem.

3. Build healthy relationships: Surround yourself with people who can provide support and encouragement. These individuals may be friends, family members, or a partner.

Discuss your feelings with them, consider their advice, and allow them to support you as you progress.

4. Face the Past and Embrace the Future: Childhood experiences may have had an impact on you, but you are not bound by them forever. You can choose to forgive the past, release negative emotions, and move forward with courage.

Have confidence in your ability to create a better life.

5. If you require additional support to cope with your situation, you may wish to seek the assistance of a professional counselor. They can provide guidance and support at a more advanced level.

In conclusion, it is important to recognise that each individual has their own pace and method of growth and recovery. It is essential to be patient with yourself, believe in your ability to overcome these challenges, and focus on finding your own path to happiness.

Please be assured that you are not alone. We are all here to support you. Stay strong!

I would like to extend my warmest wishes to the original poster for a Happy New Year! It is evident that you derive pleasure from the attention and pursuit of multiple individuals of the opposite sex. However, concurrently, you experience a sense of moral ambiguity and self-reproach.

From the perspective of classical psychoanalysis, the pleasure principle of the id is in conflict with the moral principles of the superego. While the individual may not desire to be immoral, they may not fully comprehend why they derive pleasure from the attention of multiple individuals of the opposite sex. This prompts an introspective journey, during which the individual reflects on their upbringing and the lack of recognition from their father, particularly in comparison to the affection they received from their mother. This prompts the question of whether the individual is attempting to compensate for the lack of love in their childhood with the love of the opposite sex.

I believe you are the most knowledgeable about yourself and your feelings. You feel inferior in an educational system that does not recognize you, and later, your achievements at work gave you some self-confidence—you are capable. The pursuit of romantic interests has given you some confidence in your interpersonal abilities—you are attractive and liked.

However, apart from one's own analysis, there may be other reasons for this attraction, the most direct of which is the happiness it brings. The seeking of pleasure and avoidance of pain are habits that are inherent to human nature. Happiness is a direct reward for behaviour, and it is only natural to repeat behaviour that has been rewarded. For example, playing games and shopping have this effect. In order to understand human beings' natural preference for marriage, one might consult an anthropological book entitled Why We Marry and Why We Cheat. Through millions of years of human evolution and research into the marriage of some primitive tribes, it was found that human beings' preference for marriage is monogamy plus polygamy. Monogamy is maintained during the first few years of raising children (four years in primitive society), and children are raised together. After the children can enter the community, they begin to seek other partners.

This marital system is exemplified by the Chinese system of monogamy with multiple concubines, which has been in place for thousands of years, as well as the Western system of monogamy with a lover.

Monogamy is accompanied by qualities such as loyalty, which satisfies human needs for belonging, security, and a sense of worthiness to be loved. This is another fundamental aspect of human emotions. When values are relatively simple, morality will require people to adhere to a single set of values.

In the context of cultural diversity, there are multiple avenues for reconciling morality and happiness. One such avenue is the contractual aspect of marriage. There are various forms of marriage contracts, including those that require fidelity and open marriages. As long as both spouses consent, any of these forms is permissible.

Those who aspire to a faithful marriage must be prepared to forego the happiness and admiration of many people of the opposite sex, as well as to cultivate new emotional abilities. These may include the capacity to love others, to be caring, considerate, compassionate, altruistic, and so forth. In the words of Zhou Guoping, one may love another person not because one cannot find a superior partner, but because of the distinctive life experience of the other as a human being, encompassing their joys and sorrows, which will touch one's heart and evoke sadness.

It is important to cultivate new emotional experiences, such as tranquility, stability, depth, and intimacy within a marital relationship. Without the introduction of new sources of pleasure, it can be challenging to maintain a rational perspective and pursue change.

However, these emotional experiences and abilities may not have been provided by what is commonly referred to as "repressive education." As a result, change can be challenging. It is not that, rationally, we do not aspire to become a "better" person; rather, it is that we lack the requisite experiences and emotions, making it difficult to act on them.

However, you are an individual with the capacity for learning and critical thinking. It is therefore reasonable to posit that you will be able to identify an appropriate theoretical framework to explain your distress and, moreover, to determine an effective course of action to address it.

I extend my best wishes for the Year of the Dragon.

Good morning, question asker.

First of all, I would like to commend you for your perceptive understanding and inner strength. It is evident that you have a clear grasp on some of the reasons behind your current appeal to the opposite sex.

It is not often that someone falls in love at first sight. It is a sign of your wisdom that you have done so.

Perhaps we could begin by discussing your "dregs"?

From a human needs perspective, and without considering ethics, morals, or the taboos of marriage, your "scum" is actually quite normal.

It might be helpful to think of it as a characteristic and a need for your external charm. As you are the master of your body, even

It is important to remember that even within a marriage, your body does not belong entirely to your husband.

I believe that this "dregs" allows you to find self-esteem and value.

I would like to move on to discuss the dynamics of this "dregs."

From the perspective of a woman's external charm, if she is young, beautiful, sexy, and has a very gentle and refined manner,

It is often said that being pampered and deeply loved by men is a highly desirable state.

In addition, if your behavior is to seek and compensate for the lack of paternal love in your childhood, there are some other factors to consider.

I believe there are a few criteria that we should discuss.

I wonder if I might ask whether these men are all older than you, or even quite a bit older?

Secondly, could I ask whether your attraction to these men is based on a need for physical intimacy, or whether it is the attentive care you receive from them that you find attractive?

Could it be, as you mentioned, that they appreciate your strengths and satisfy your narcissistic side?

Thirdly, could I inquire as to the nature of the relationship between you and the male who dotes on you? Do you always receive care, or are you relatively independent?

Could I also ask whether you take on some of the responsibility for caring for others?

I have also considered the possibility that your current behavior, in addition to what you said, might also be a way of compensating for adolescent rebellion.

Back then, you were a dutiful daughter, a model student who followed the rules and was careful not to challenge your parents and teachers.

It might be said that these repressed thoughts and feelings form a kind of taboo in the subconscious.

As you mature and develop a stronger sense of self, you may find yourself questioning traditional beliefs and values.

The moral and ethical taboos of marriage can also be seen as a way of asserting one's own sovereignty.

I believe that each of us should feel comfortable in our own skin.

As you mentioned in the previous material, when you were a child, you may have felt afraid of everything and hesitant to ask for help when you encountered difficulties.

It is possible that you may have felt inadequate at times, with an extreme sense of inferiority and worthlessness, not to mention a lack of subjectivity and autonomy.

I would like to offer one more possible explanation, if I may. It seems that your narcissism may have been activated, and that this narcissism is linked to physical appearance.

And the resulting sexual attractiveness and charm associated with masculinity contributed to a sense of self-confidence.

This could be seen as a way of striking back at and taking revenge on your parents.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether it might be beneficial to address this aspect of yourself that you may perceive as less desirable.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what harmful effects this "dregs" might actually bring.

From the perspective of maintaining a normal and healthy marriage, it would be beneficial to address this issue.

From a human and multicultural perspective, it is ultimately up to you to decide.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this.

I am counselor Yao, and I am here to continue supporting and caring for you.

Hello! I'm thrilled to answer your question and I hope my suggestions will be helpful.

From your description, I can tell that you're not in a bad place. It seems like there are just a few things that we can work on to get you feeling your best!

The good news is that these biases can be gradually alleviated through subsequent self-adjustment.

Your self-awareness is amazing! We may not get enough praise, compliments, and recognition from our parents in our original family, which can make us feel like we can't get it at the social level.

We can communicate more with our partners in our daily lives and let them know that we need affirmation. Let's start right now! In our daily lives, let's constantly gain self-encouragement and praise, as well as from our partners. We can include what we have gained at work, slowly, to form our own inner self-confidence. At the same time, we can better sort out our own inner self. We can objectively know ourselves and discover our own bright spots!

If you feel that the effect is not obvious during the adjustment process, or if you don't know how to proceed, you can also seek appropriate psychological counseling to help us better sort ourselves out. This is a great option to explore!

I really hope that self-praise and the companionship and help of those around you can help you to boost your self-confidence even more!

The world and I love you!