Anxiety and boredom engulf me when my boyfriend is not around. What's wrong with me?

Hello! I'd like to give you a warm hug from afar first.

I'm grateful you reached out. I hope my input can offer some support and guidance. Kudos for recognizing the conflicting psychological state in your intimate relationship and seeking help.

Our patterns in intimate relationships often reflect our early experiences with our mothers. From what you've shared, it seems like you're struggling with a contradictory attachment, wanting intimacy but also rejecting it.

It's possible that when you were younger, your mother was more focused on her own needs than yours. This can leave a lasting impact on your body, even if you don't remember it. You may crave the gentle care, consideration, and reassurance of a mother, but you might also feel afraid that your mother can't respond to your needs or satisfy them in the way you expect. This can lead to feelings of hurt and disappointment. What are your thoughts on this?

So, try to be aware of what's behind the fear and anxiety you feel when you're both eager to see your boyfriend and dread seeing him. For example, abandonment, being unwanted... Does this mean you're bad, that you're not good enough, that you're not worthy of love?

Once you understand this part of your trauma and how it's affected your ability to be intimate, you can start to heal it. This will help you to be more open and accepting when you're in a relationship. For example, you can tell your boyfriend about this part of your resistance and explain that you need him to be more understanding and supportive. You can also discuss how to face this part of your trauma together.

When you're feeling really scared or panicky, it can help to take a deep breath. This can help you to relax and think more clearly.

Hi, I'm Lily, the little answering machine. I love you, and I'm here to help.

Dear questioner, The present is good! Be grateful for the encounter.

From your description, it's clear there's a conflict between attachment and avoidance. Hugs!

Let's talk about this together.

1. Analyze this ambivalence.

This ambivalence undoubtedly stems from the early mother-child attachment period. If the mother-child attachment relationship and the child's sense of security are established more perfectly during this period, the child will undoubtedly be more at ease and secure when it comes to future separations.

If the mother-child attachment is not well established, the mother may not respond in time when the child needs her care. The child is unable to survive independently due to his young age, and he will feel particularly anxious and scared inside.

When the mother responds to him, he fears being hurt again because she cannot give him what he needs, so he rejects her. This period of time makes the child feel a conflicted emotion of both attachment and rejection.

Furthermore, your mother rarely responds to you, which leaves you feeling unconfirmed and unimportant. This makes you feel bored when you're alone.

Express your emotions consistently.

If your boyfriend gives you a sense of security and understands, accepts, and appreciates you, you can express these emotions consistently towards him. In a relationship, your boyfriend can help you re-establish a secure attachment.

3. Change yourself.

When your boyfriend is not around and you feel the panic and boredom inside, take a good look at these feelings. See where in your body these feelings are, what shape they are, what color, what texture, what size... Slowly feel these emotions, and you will gradually be able to reconcile with them.

Additionally, you can engage in an activity you enjoy to prevent boredom.

"When I'm about to see him, I get very nervous and my heart races." See this feeling of tension in yourself and feel what thoughts are going through your mind.

Write down any thoughts you have that make you worry you won't perform well or that your boyfriend will dislike or hate you.

This feeling of tension will subside.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you, and I wish you the best!