Are you a graduating college student who feels like you don't have control over your life and are lost and helpless?

My name is Gu Yi. I may be weak as a reed, but I am always consistent.

The process of maturation is both challenging and rewarding.

The former is determined by our parents, while the latter is determined by ourselves. However, when these two factors converge, it can lead to a lack of resilience in dealing with them. As we mature, it's evident that we still lack the ability to decline or navigate our lives effectively.

Maturity entails addressing challenges that were previously unencountered, as illustrated by the parent relationship being unsatisfactory. In the past, we were unable to intervene due to our youth and inexperience. However, with maturity comes the opportunity to address these issues from our own perspective.

Life is full of hope and worry for everyone. The problems you are facing now may seem chaotic and difficult to change or solve, and they have a great impact on your personality. However, this is the result of passivity. What if we were to change from passive to active? The situation would adjust, so I would encourage you to consider this approach if you have the time.

It is important to plan your own life.

Regarding the postgraduate entrance exam, it is important to consider the level of effort required to complete it. In addition to the exam itself, there are other factors to take into account, such as major selection and future career planning. It is essential to determine whether the exam is the best option for you. If it is a necessary step, you have the option to decline.

Regarding family matters, it is evident from your description that the discord in your parents' relationship has had a profound impact on you. This has led to apprehensions about love, marriage, and family. However, with the necessary maturity and insight, it is now possible to engage in constructive dialogue with our parents about right and wrong, values, and to express our opinions and establish boundaries.

Maintaining a safe distance from your family does not imply being isolated from them. It simply allows you to establish a space where you can develop the resilience and resources to protect yourself. By adopting an adult perspective, resolving your own confusion, and analyzing problems with greater maturity and objectivity, you can better support your family.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker!

I wish I could give you more advice on your family relationships, but I'm afraid even a short description of 400 words or so doesn't do them justice. I really hope we can chat some more, though, and that I can help you see more possibilities when you feel lost and helpless.

[Let your parents do their homework]

It's so sad to see you in your twenties stuck in the middle of your parents' relationship and unable to live your own life. In psychology, there's a concept called "triangulation of family relationships," which basically means that even though it's a conflict between two adults, the kids are stuck in the middle, feeling like they're the ones who have to carry the burden.

As a child, you must be loyal to both your mother and your father. This can make it hard for you to say no to either of them, especially if they're having a bad day. It's not easy to be the one to break the cycle and say, "I need space." But you're not a bad person for needing your own space. It's a normal part of growing up. I don't know how long you and your younger brother have been playing this role. It's okay if it's been a while. It's not your fault. It's not your responsibility to fix your parents' relationship. You're not a child anymore. You have the power to choose your own path.

Now that you're an adult, you have the amazing opportunity to leave the shackles of your original family and pursue your life and happiness.

[Have the courage to say "no" to your parents]

As you mentioned, your parents would often ask you to do things with them, and you felt like you couldn't say no. They would also talk about each other in front of you and your brother, and your father even asked you to spy on your mother. Your mother would also come to your room when she had time and sleep with you at night. You felt like you needed to be there for your parents, so you agreed to do what they asked. But every time you did, your boundaries as an individual were violated again and again.

It can be tough to feel like you're in control of your own life when you don't have a sense of boundaries. It might be challenging to say "no" to your parents, but you can do it! By saying "no" and creating your own space as an adult, you can break away from the identity of the "triangulated child."

[Set out for the future you expect!]

Start setting out for the future you hope for!

Congratulations on making it this far! As a soon-to-be college graduate, your life is just beginning. You have so many exciting options ahead of you. You can choose to review for the postgraduate entrance exam or prepare to start working. Looking further down the road, there are more life stories waiting for you to experience, such as making friends, falling in love, and all the other futures you once envisioned.

It's okay if you don't believe in love and are afraid of falling in love. We all feel that way sometimes. But deep down, you still long for intimacy. It's a common feeling among young people in their 20s and 30s. You can live your own life and follow your own pace. Seize the moment, focus on what you want to do, and don't give up your goals for the needs of your parents.

I'm sending you lots of love and support!

I really hope that the original poster can become independent and grow up!

Hello question asker!

The questioner's parents don't get along and don't take your opinions into account, which has affected the questioner. The questioner has concerns and worries and has developed a fear of intimacy.

I'm here to chat and help you see other options.

When you tell your parents you want to study, but they insist on going out with you, saying it won't take long, and you end up going out for a long time, you must have felt annoyed. You seemed to feel cheated, but you didn't express your feelings.

Everyone has a different idea of how long things take. You might think half an hour is a long time to go out because you have to study, but your parents might think two hours is too long.

You have to say how long you're going for.

In similar situations, I hope the questioner can be more specific about what each party is referring to when communicating with their parents. Also, if the questioner really doesn't want to go out, you can stick to your guns. You are an adult, and your parents can't force you to go out.

You can choose to go out or not. You don't have to obey your parents.

If your parents make you feel uncomfortable, tell them.

Your parents fighting in front of you and your brother shows they can't resolve their issues. They're turning to you and your brother for support.

It's hard being a child because both parents are important. When they argue, children have to choose sides and feel bad about one of them.

I hope you can distance yourself from this. It's a problem between your parents, and you can't solve it. You can play a little trick in your life, for example, telling your father how much your mother misses him, and telling your mother how much your father cares about her.

Don't take on your parents' relationship problems.

Your parents' poor relationship has made you fearful of your own love life. Children grow up with their parents, so if their parents have a poor relationship, they will not learn how to handle intimate relationships properly.

But this is not the most important thing. You can now see some of the problems between your parents. You can try to avoid these problems in your own relationships.

Pay attention to how your friends get along with you and learn to handle your relationships with others.

You can also learn about these things by studying psychology. For example, Intimacy and Just the Right Amount of Intimacy talks about intimacy. Immature Parents and Life Without Parental Control are about understanding and transcending your parents.

Don't worry about what others think of your family. Many people from our parents' generation have trouble expressing themselves and handling intimacy.

A person who loves you will not care about these things and will face them with you.

I'm Haru Aoki, and I love you.

Hello, question asker!

Read the questioner's self-description carefully to understand the questioner's feelings of distress and confusion. I will restate the questioner's dilemma and then expand on my answer.

✍️ Troublesome Restatement:

1. The parents' attitude toward their decision to take the postgraduate entrance exam is clearly inconsistent.

2. The questioner is confronted with their parents' contradictions, which leave them torn between two opinions and questioning their abilities.

3. I find it difficult to believe in love. I also feel inferior about my family status and am afraid that no one will love me.

It's time to address these troubling associations and suggestions for coping.

Disturbance 1

Parents say they support you, but then pull you away from your studies. They say it won't take long, but it actually takes a long time. It's clear that my parents are sending out conflicting signals. They say they support me, but their actions tell a different story. It's confusing, but I know what I'm entitled to.

Parents are often subconsciously conflicted about their children growing up and becoming more capable and independent. They want their children to mature quickly and become independent so they can rest assured their children will survive well on their own. However, they are also afraid of their children growing up because their independence and maturity means their children will leave them and they will no longer be able to control them.

To solve this problem, the host must decide whether taking the postgraduate entrance exam is truly necessary at this time. If so, he should make a firm choice and discuss with his parents the kind of support they will provide for his decision to take the postgraduate entrance exam.

It is crucial for the questioner to take the initiative and clearly define their needs for time and space, as well as financial support. They must be specific about the times and spaces in which they do not want to be disturbed. It is also essential for the questioner to listen attentively and understand their parents' wishes. If they are only able to provide some support, the questioner must take the responsibility to find ways to compensate for this lack of provision and give themselves the support they need.

If you are clear and firm about your wishes and plans, it will be easier to identify when your parents are trying to interfere.

Trouble 2

Parents create conflicts between themselves. They lack the ability to resolve their conflicts, so they turn to a third party, which is usually the child. They need the child to take their side to relieve the pressure and anxiety caused by the conflict, to prove that they are the correct one and that the problem lies with the other party. This is also called "triangulation," which turns a two-person relationship into a three-person relationship. The child lacks the corresponding life experience and loves both parents equally. No matter which side they take, they will betray the other party, which is a real dilemma for them.

If parents do this, it will cause their bilateral conflicts to be internalized as your own internal conflicts.

The questioner should not doubt their normality or inability at all. Abilities are developed gradually, and this includes the role of parents as role models. If they themselves cannot resolve their own conflicts (and let's face it, how many people can really resolve all conflicts between spouses?), they will learn where to find the ability to resolve such conflicts.

The second is "To Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's." Parents are the subjects of conflict and are responsible for generating and resolving conflicts.

Trouble 3

One result of parents turning conflicts into a relationship triangle may be that you become distrustful of love. However, I would argue that this is not an entirely negative result. Parents, as human beings, must also display the common characteristics of humanity.

It's clear that relationships between people who don't trust each other are unhealthy. But if we believe that we must have complete trust in another person to love them, we're disrespecting human nature. You've likely gained some understanding and experience of distrust in people through your parents' conflicts.

You may feel unworthy of anyone and afraid of others knowing about your family situation, but you deserve to be loved by someone who trusts you and respects your family. I'm not going to tell you that you'll definitely find someone who will love you unconditionally and accept your family.

Let me be clear: everyone longs for a beautiful love, and it will not disappear just because you feel inferior about your family. Your love and marriage relationship depends on the joint efforts of both parties, not on your feelings and judgments about your original family.

If you encounter someone who gives up on loving you because they know about your family, respect their choice. Find someone else who will not be distant from you because of your family background.

Even if you find a partner who is willing to be with you for life, it doesn't mean that "the problem is solved." Marriage is the relationship that can best reflect oneself. One of its meanings may be to see oneself and the other party in the conflicts and grow together. Therefore, a marriage full of conflicts can also bring us grace, but it requires that we are willing to see it.

That's it. The world and I love you.