At 26, always feel unloved by my parents, always seem to have differing opinions?

I can tell from your question that you are currently dissatisfied with both your parents and yourself.

Your parents' thinking was inconsistent. They seemed to love you, but you could not feel the love from them.

You know exactly why you feel this way.

Your parents fought constantly, and there was no warmth in the family. They expected a lot from you and compared you to others, which made you feel that the love you received was conditional. In this family, if you respect your own feelings, you will feel unloved.

Your brother's appearance is clearly influenced by his parents. They believe it's genetic and are full of complaints, which makes you resentful because it seems that your parents are vehemently denying their own mistakes.

You are also dissatisfied with yourself. You say you are solitary, have few friends, are sensitive, immature, and even suspect that you have a mental illness.

This makes me believe that, deep down, you have a very high standard for yourself. It's clear that you're currently unable to meet this standard.

You ask, "How can I change this self of mine?"

"How can I change?" reveals that you treat yourself in a similar manner to how your parents treated you.

You hated it when your parents compared you to others. Now, you are comparing yourself to an idealized version of yourself that you expect to be. You are not living up to your expectations, so you blame yourself.

I want to give you a hug because from your description, I know you are already a very good child. You can see how you feel and ask this question, which shows you are constantly thinking. These suggestions can help:

My first piece of advice is to accept yourself. Your parents were imperfect, and you are dissatisfied with your upbringing. However, you also have higher expectations of your current situation.

You need to accept yourself. You can't change what your parents are like, but you can choose to be more satisfied with yourself.

You are a very good girl. Pay more attention to your own merits.

My second piece of advice is to respect your feelings. You say you don't feel loved, so respect your feelings instead of condemning yourself.

There must be a reason why you feel this way. You say you are thoughtful and sensitive, and I believe these qualities are the reason for your doubt about your true feelings.

You need to pay more attention to your feelings, see her presence, and allow her to flow. This will help you get closer to your inner self.

My third piece of advice is to allow yourself to make mistakes in real relationships. You have high expectations of yourself, and you should. If you don't meet them, don't blame yourself.

Don't be too hard on yourself for the mistakes you make. If you feel bad about yourself, ask the people around you if they feel the same way about your actions.

You will find that others do not have a lot of criticism for you.

You've got this!

You've got this! Best regards!

Hello, After reading your message, I thought about myself, my former self, who was also a loner, introverted, low in emotional intelligence, and not good at communicating. It was a bit like your brother. Now, I have become cheerful, sunny, confident, like to communicate with people, work hard for my ideals, and every day is full of joy. My parents are self-employed and have a relatively low level of education, and they don't know how to educate their children. So there was something wrong with the formation of my former personality. It wasn't until I encountered Yi Xinli and Fan Deng's books that I changed a lot this year. So we can change slowly and become better. What we need is a good teacher, or a group of good teachers, to adjust our thinking through their ideas and become whoever we want to be.

Don't label yourself. We're just immature in our thinking, and we need to improve our psychology and temper. We don't have psychological problems. Through deliberate training, through honing our character and temper every day, and through a change of thinking, we can become whatever we want to be. What you need now is a good teacher to guide you on how to adjust yourself. I recommend the Fan Deng reading, one book, one lesson, and other learning apps. We can change our thinking and thus ourselves by listening to the lectures. You can also find a good teacher through Yi Xinli to improve yourself. Since you've asked a question, it means that you're seeking help, and you will definitely be able to change and get help. What we need is time to adjust ourselves and improve ourselves to become the person we want to be. Through learning, our character and temper, as well as our abilities and emotional quotients, can be greatly improved and will get better and better.

We often say that we need an apology from our parents, and our parents need a thank you from us. We can thank our parents for their hard work. They have given us the best they can within their perception. They have given everything they have. They are limited in what they perceive. They feel they have done a good job. At the same time, we know it is not enough. We know they have done some things wrong. This shows that you have awakened. The influence of the original family is something we have to adjust through ourselves. At the same time, we have to know that we can change the current situation. As long as we are patient and willing to change, we can adjust the situation of the whole family. We can only output energy as long as our energy is strong enough. When your energy is not strong enough, you will find that you are powerless. You can only give the people in the family enough strength to change the whole family when your ability is strong enough. Perhaps parents will be very irritable and grumpy. They don't feel the need to change, nor do they feel there is anything wrong with them. But we feel differently. So we need patience and strong energy to influence them and change them. The change of the whole family is the real change.

We can show our parents we love them by thanking them. They love us, but maybe not in the way we need. At the same time, we might not feel their love because of their ways.

And so, gradually, you begin to feel them.

Ultimately, you need to develop the strength to appreciate the beauty of the world and to achieve your own personal growth. I wish you well, and I appreciate your contributions.

Hello!

Host:

I read the post carefully and saw that the poster is sensitive. He has also expressed his distress and sought help, which will help him understand himself and his parents better.

I will also share my thoughts on the post, which may help the original poster understand the situation better.

1. Conditional love

The poster's parents have high expectations and compare him to other children. This is probably common.

This is especially true of our parents' generation. They believe criticism helps people improve and comparing their children to others will help them improve even more.

They all expect their children to succeed.

They also believe you have to do what they expect. If you don't, you may be scolded or punished.

This makes us suppress our own needs and satisfy our parents' needs first. We don't express our true needs because we think they are unimportant or we will be disliked.

If we feel this way, we think our parents don't like us. Can we feel their love?

2. Look at your parents as adults.

When we were young, we didn't understand ourselves. We understood ourselves through what others said. Now that we've grown up, we can think about our own experiences to see if what our parents, teachers, and society said is reasonable.

If that's not reasonable, should we change it? Should we change how we see ourselves?

We can reinvent ourselves now.

We can understand ourselves better and make changes from an adult perspective. This can help us feel stronger and less affected by external energy.

3. Let go of your expectations of your parents.

The original poster said they don't feel their parents' love. You can't give what you don't have.

We can look at our parents' experiences. Their generation often went hungry and wore cold clothes. They didn't get what they needed, so they thought that meeting their needs was love.

They did their best to give us a good start in life. But when we have what we need, we want more.

The host should read Maslow's theory of needs to understand how we feel love.

For example, being cared for, appreciated, and supported.

The two generations understand love differently. The parents have not experienced appreciation and support. They may have also grown up with criticism. We must understand that their knowledge was not as good as it is now.

Let go of your expectations of your parents. If they can't love themselves, how can they love you? They are limited by their history and culture. They are just ordinary people.

4. Love yourself.

The world of adults is about meeting your own needs, loving yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, and taking responsibility for your life.

If our parents can't love us, we can still learn to love ourselves. Even if we don't know how yet, we can still learn.

You can learn to love yourself.

Take responsibility for your life and your needs. Accept yourself.

Accept yourself, accept what you can't change, and focus on what you can change to become a better person.

If you're interested, watch "The Art of Love" to learn to love yourself.

I hope these help and inspire the poster. I'm a psychometric coach from One Psychology.

Click Find a Coach for one-on-one help.

Hello, question asker! I'm thrilled to discuss your problem with you.

From the description of the questioner, it's clear that the questioner's parents have a strong desire to control her, and they're not sure how to express their love. This can make the questioner feel helpless and frustrated, but it also presents an opportunity for growth and change! Apart from comparing the questioner with others, have they shown anything positive?

I'm sure the author's parents also praised the author! It's possible that the author's parents also don't know how to teach you well, and can only let you learn from others' good examples, which has resulted in the current situation.

I'm so excited to dive into this question! Why do the questioner's parents always like to compare their children with others? And, do they also compare themselves with others?

It would be fascinating to know whether their own family members treated their parents in the same way when they were young! The current behavior of the questioner's parents is inseparable from the way they were raised in their original family.

It's possible that the parents of the questioner were compared excessively by their original family when they were young, which may have led to their spiritual and emotional needs going unmet. This could be why they treat the questioner in the same way now!

Due to the question the OP has asked on the platform, we unfortunately don't have the chance to have an in-depth exchange on the OP's question. However, I can still give you some brief advice on the OP's question:

It's time to understand the way your parents treat you!

I'm so excited to find out why the parents treat the questioner this way! And I'm really interested in learning whether the parents educated and controlled the questioner this way when she was a child.

It may be due to conditions. Perhaps your parents' generation had a hard time just surviving, and simply did not have the time to learn how to love, how to educate children, or how to run a household. But they did the best they could with what they had!

Let's imagine that when the questioner's parents were children, they were also rarely cared for with meticulous attention and were also treated like the questioner. When the parents grew up, they brought the trauma of their original family into the family they formed and unconsciously repeated the same mistakes.

So, there are no perfect parents or perfect families in this world—and that's a good thing! Maybe parents were also subjected to some inappropriate education and demands in their childhood. It's easy for them to form fixed thinking, believing that they should adopt a certain approach when encountering a certain situation. This is due to the limitations of life and the subtle influence of the environment. Even the treatment they suffered in their childhood may be transferred to their children, or parents may expect to be treated in a certain way and look for it in their children.

It's time to express the pain inside and share it!

Once you've made peace with this growth experience, you can share your story! Write it down and post it online, or tell it to your family and friends or a counselor.

If you don't feel like confiding in others, you can also confide in pets, plants, or dolls. If conditions permit, I highly recommend that the questioner seek professional counseling from a psychologist. It is also possible to do so on the Yixinli platform, where you can find someone to share your emotions with. Pouring out your heart is the best way to release the negative emotions brought on by your childhood!

When facing your father, you should definitely express your emotions! From the description of the questioner, it seems that the questioner always compares their parents, and doesn't even remember whether your mother affirmed you. So I suggest that if the questioner has any emotions, they should definitely express them boldly without hurting their parents, and pour out their true thoughts and emotions!

It's time to learn how to deal with your emotions!

If emotions come and you want to do something, be aware of what you want to do! What do I want to express?

What emotions do I want to release? And how can I release them in a way that's not going to hurt my mother?

If you don't want to hurt your mother, you can also find something you love to do to release these negative emotions. When you really feel an emotion coming on, try taking a deep breath and counting to 10 in your mind. You've got this!

Embrace your amazing self!

Do more of the things you love! Find your life's goals and meaning in the things you enjoy. Embrace your personality, brought to you by your original family. And when you're feeling down, treat yourself to something you love!

Make yourself happy, and enjoy some sweets! Sweet things make the body happy, and they'll make you happy too! It's important to make yourself happy without harming others.

Don't let negative emotions take over your life!

I really hope my answer helps the questioner!

Hello, questioner!

Hearing your description, I feel so much for you! I admire how you've grown through everything you've been through. It's inspiring to see how you've maintained your self-reliance in a challenging environment. You have so much inner strength! When a person is brave enough to question their parents and face the disappointments in their lives, amazing things can happen!

.

Guess what? I went through something similar during my own growing up. My parents seemed to love me, but I often didn't feel their love. I also felt like their thoughts were inconsistent. As I grew up, I gradually realized that this bad feeling came partly from my own growth and partly from the limitations of my parents and the characteristics of the era they lived in.

I'm so excited to share these three pieces of advice with you! I really hope they'll help you get out of your rut and start living a wonderful life!

1. Follow your heart and let go of other people's expectations of you!

Embrace the journey of learning to follow your heart, listen to your inner voice, and respect your inner feelings. It may not be easy at first, but you can do it! Practice makes perfect, so keep at it. You'll be amazed at how much you grow and how much you become your true self.

2. And the best way to start is by learning to love yourself!

It may be easier to say that you should accept and love yourself, but it's a process that's well worth it! You need to first let go of your criticism and negativity, and let go of the guilt and self-blame that arises in your heart. Through constant conscious practice, you can change your habitual way of thinking, start to accept your differences, and learn to appreciate your unique self.

3. It's time to reduce internal conflict and start a new lifestyle!

Internal conflict is competing with others, while internal depletion is competing with oneself. Internal depletion means constantly dwelling on the past and repeatedly experiencing unpleasant events, as well as repeatedly worrying about things that have not happened. It's a vicious cycle that can quickly drain your inner energy. But there's a way to break free! I'll give you six words to help you reduce unnecessary internal depletion: self-discipline, action, and confidence. If time permits, exercise for an hour every day. It's a simple yet powerful way to directly make our brain secrete dopamine, which produces pleasant emotions and experiences. Plus, you'll have more energy to spend a lot of time taking action, doing things you like, thinking less, and following your heart. It's a win-win!

And finally, I send you my very best wishes! I truly hope that you will start a wonderful, amazing life of your own. You deserve it!

.

Good day, question asker.

Please describe the circumstances that have led to this perception. At what point do you anticipate a change in your emotional state?

The questioner indicated that they are unable to perceive the love of their parents. In light of this, I would like to inquire as to the type of love that the questioner desires to experience and the actions of the parents that would facilitate such an experience.

The questioner indicated that his brother exhibits similar characteristics, however, his parents assert that it is a genetic predisposition. The questioner expressed a degree of resentment towards their parents' complaints. Do you believe that if you exert effort, your parents will cease to complain, or that their complaints will have no impact on you?

The questioner describes a sense of being misunderstood, as though no one truly gets to the heart of their feelings and experiences. They perceive a lack of meaningful dialogue and a limited social circle. They value solitude and express a desire to be authentic. Additionally, they acknowledge sensitivity and a sense of immaturity.

If the opportunity arises, please provide further details.

From the aforementioned description, it is evident that the questioner in question possesses a distinct set of expectations, namely the desire to cultivate a larger social circle and to mature.

Subsequently, the questioner can observe the emotional response to a potential transformation and identify the individuals who may be the first to notice the change.

What actions have been taken to facilitate this transformation?

Ultimately, the questioner inquires as to whether there is an underlying psychological issue. In my assessment, the questioner is exhibiting typical psychological functioning.

Given that the majority of individuals experience some degree of discomfort at one point or another, it is a common and expected occurrence. It is inherent to human nature that nobody is perfect.

Indeed, personality is shaped by a combination of natural and environmental factors, including family environment and education. However, it is possible to modify one's personality through sustained effort.

For individuals who perceive a lack of affection from their parents and are uncertain about their specific circumstances, it is important to consider that, from a different perspective, one's parents are akin to farmers who are providing financial support during one's graduate studies. While their arguments, similar to those encountered in interpersonal interactions, may have a detrimental impact on one's emotional state, it is essential to recognize that such actions are a reflection of their personal style and way of life.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the thoughts in question have been adequately communicated to the parents in question.

You are the expert in solving your own problems. With regard to the subject of sensitivity and introversion, you may wish to consult further psychology books, such as "High Sensitivity is a Gift" and "The Courage to Be Disliked," as well as additional works on emotional topics.

In order to provide some assistance in alleviating the emotional distress experienced by the original poster (OP), I would like to offer a few suggestions.

Firstly, it is essential to adjust one's mindset and achieve a state of unity between the body and the mind.

If one is able to accomplish all tasks daily and to maintain consistent cognitive processes, one can significantly enhance one's self-confidence within a relatively short timeframe.

The act of keeping one's word entails the obligation to act in accordance with one's stated intentions, whether in relation to others or to oneself.

To be in alignment with one's thoughts and actions is to express one's genuine emotions.

A second strategy is to provide oneself with positive suggestions.

Psychological studies have demonstrated that when an individual is subjected to a particular form of suggestion, their subsequent behavior and motives will align with the suggestion, and the resulting outcome will also be in accordance with the suggestion. This illustrates that when one seeks to avoid external influence and prevent self-doubt, providing oneself with a positive suggestion may prove an effective solution.

It is recommended that, at the start of each day, either upon waking or before retiring for the night, the individual should look into a mirror and tell themselves, "You are the best!" While this may not be immediately apparent, it is important to recognise that they have limitless potential and will eventually flourish.

"With this kind of positive suggestion, subtle changes will occur in the human mind. Over time, the individual will come to believe that they are the best. At this point, the trivial remarks of others will have no effect on the individual.

The third step is to establish a correct perception.

The individual in question is no longer the weak infant they once were. They have matured and are capable of surviving independently, even in the absence of external support or recognition. In the event that they experience inexplicable anxiety in response to a casual remark from another person, it is advisable to temporarily disengage from the situation and reflect on their personal attributes and abilities.

It is evident that this is not the case. Consequently, the establishment of an accurate perception represents the initial stage and the fundamental element in the process of attaining the capacity to disregard the opinions of others.

It is imperative to avoid self-doubt.

It is imperative to refrain from doubting oneself when undertaking any task. When one doubts oneself, it inevitably leads to feelings of unconfidence. When one performs an action, one's lack of confidence is inevitably revealed to others. It is possible that others may not have noticed one's presence at all, but one's doubt in oneself and one's lack of confidence have caused others to make negative comments about one.

Fifth, it is advisable to live with one's questions.

It is inevitable that we will encounter a plethora of challenges throughout our lives. It is therefore essential that we learn to live with these challenges, to acknowledge and understand them, and to seek solutions.

It is important to learn to release emotions.

It is frequently recommended that adults should maintain emotional stability. However, many individuals are reluctant to express negative emotions and gradually learn to suppress and conceal them.

Once emotional energy is suppressed and accumulated in the body, it will manifest as internalized distress and potentially impact the body's organ systems.

In traditional Chinese medicine, it is posited that a significant proportion of physical ailments are caused by psychological factors.

Fear is believed to have a detrimental impact on the kidneys, sadness on the lungs, thinking on the spleen, joy on the heart, and anger on the liver.

It is imperative to acknowledge the significance of each emotion and to learn how to effectively release emotional energy.

It is important to learn to accept oneself.

The prevailing view in psychology is that individuals should "accept themselves." However, this assertion seems to imply that one should disregard one's shortcomings.

Such an approach, however, merely constitutes an excuse for inaction and a refusal to strive for improvement. In reality, this represents a common misinterpretation of self-acceptance.

The term "self-acceptance" is used to describe the extent to which an individual is able to embrace their characteristics, regardless of whether they are perceived as positive or negative.

This implies that an individual can acknowledge their personal deficiencies without harboring negative sentiments such as self-hatred or the belief that they are inherently inadequate. The notion of "loving oneself" is contingent upon the foundation of self-acceptance. In the absence of self-acceptance, characterized by a tendency to be overly critical and negative towards oneself, it is challenging to cultivate a genuine sense of self-love.

In conclusion, it is important to note that the fundamental tenet of life is that it is simply life. As long as the individual in question, namely the original poster, is able to maintain a sense of self-belief, then the situation will ultimately resolve itself.

Dear question asker,

After reading your question, I can see that you are going through a difficult time. I want to offer you a warm hug to show my support.

I am a 26-year-old girl who has grown up living up to my parents' expectations. I am currently studying for a master's degree. My parents are farmers. When I was little, there were constant arguments, and I was always compared to other children. They seemed to love me, but I often felt that there was a lack of understanding between us. My brother also suffered greatly. He is introverted, doesn't like to talk, and has low emotional intelligence. However, my family thinks this is genetic and always complains about it. I feel that this is an area that could benefit from further discussion.

I feel like I may not be able to fully connect with others on a deeper level. I have a small circle of friends and enjoy spending time alone. I also tend to be quite sensitive, which can sometimes make it challenging for me to interact with others. I'm not sure if this is a sign of a mental illness, but I'm seeking guidance on how to navigate these feelings.

I would be grateful for any advice on how I can make these changes.

I would like to bring up a few issues that I am facing.

1. I was brought up with my parents' expectations and in comparison to others, I never really felt that I received the love and attention I needed from them.

2. My brother and I share many similarities, including our introverted personalities and tendency to be more reserved when it comes to conversation.

3. I feel that I may not be fully understood by others, that I am sensitive, and that I experience mental exhaustion.

Problem analysis:

It's possible that your parents had some unmet expectations in their own lives, and that they experienced some disappointments along the way. It's likely that they love you deeply and want the best for you, which is why they encourage you to pursue your own path and avoid emulating them. When comparing with others, it's common for parents to indirectly express their love for their children. They may try to meet their children's material needs, which they consider to be love, while neglecting the emotional and independence needs of the child.

2. Your brother may share some similarities with you. It seems that, on the one hand, he is influenced by his family environment and family education, and on the other hand, he may have some challenges with self-regulating abilities.

3. It seems that the OP's own internal mental energy consumption is perhaps a little high, and that she thinks a great deal. This may make her sensitive and vulnerable.

4. It may be the case that the questioner is on their guard against others, unwilling to go out and not allowing others in, thus creating a vicious cycle.

We hope the following analysis and solutions will be of some help.

(1) Try to accept yourself unconditionally, including your childhood experiences and your imperfect parents.

(2) It would be helpful to position yourself correctly, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and understand that you are also valuable and will not lose value due to comparisons with others.

(3) Consider ways to reduce the daily internal conflict with yourself, and focus more on taking action.

(4) Perhaps it would be helpful to try not to compare yourself to others, to focus on your own efforts and progress, and to remind yourself that as long as you make progress every day, that is growth.

(5) It might be helpful to be proactive and communicate with others. For example, you could consider giving gifts to others, having dinner together, and showing kindness to others. It's possible that this approach would be well-received.

(6) You might like to consider finding a way to relieve stress that suits you. Some people find that going on a long trip, singing, or running helps them to relax.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. I wish you all the best.