At 34, when encountering something unhappy, I tend to overthink and it's quite exhausting. What should I do?

I have a question for you, but first I have a little doubt. In the title, I put age first. Do you think that at this age, you shouldn't think so much, or that people at this age will think more and worry more?

From a young age, your mother has given you the message that you are "stingy." Growing up, you were considered to have "strong thinking skills." You have already experienced two different aspects of your own personality and the different feedback you have received from different people. Have you been convinced by the label your mother gave you from a young age, and have you always been looking for an opportunity to defend yourself? You found the answer with a more authoritative person. Is the process of searching for a defense for yourself making you doubt your subconscious self, and unconsciously associating stinginess with excessive "thinking"? Or maybe you are more afraid of others calling you stingy, and are afraid that you really are stingy.

When there's too much thinking in real life, it'll naturally bring up the label that Mom once compared and posted. It's the one about thinking too much, and it might be hard to recognize and try to let go of. But don't worry! Human thinking is like the deep sea — complex and ever-changing. So, thinking too much might be human nature or a commonality, but you don't have to fret about whether you're thinking too much about the same thing.

This can lead to a bit of a vicious cycle, where you care more and think more, and think more and care more.

If your brain is telling you that you should think about something more, just listen to it! Don't worry if you think you're thinking too much. In fact, you'll probably find you don't think about it so much at all.

Dear Sir/Madam, I have carefully read your post and I empathise with the fatigue and anxiety you describe. Kind regards,

After carefully reviewing your post, I am left with a sense of fatigue and unease. Is overthinking a strength or a weakness? It appears that you are grappling with this question.

Firstly, the original poster presents a contradictory picture. My mother said that I have been somewhat stingy since childhood, but my professors appreciated my work ethic and considered me to have strong critical thinking skills. On the one hand, it seems that being more thoughtful than sensitive gives the impression of being stingy, but on the other hand, it seems to be a positive quality in someone who is good at thinking and is rational and calm.

Are these comments also reflective of the confusion the poster feels about their self-identity when others offer differing perspectives?

The original poster indicated that she is 34 years old and experiences fatigue when she engages in excessive negative thinking. It would be beneficial to determine when this fatigue from overthinking began. Is there a correlation between this phenomenon and age?

Are there other factors that influence your thought processes and emotional state as you transition into middle age?

The example provided by the original poster concerns overthinking in interpersonal relationships. This overthinking has affected his studies and work, which is a cause for concern. From an objective standpoint, being adept at critical thinking is a valuable skill. If this skill can be applied to more productive endeavors, such as work and study, it will enhance one's attractiveness in the professional sphere. Maintaining an appropriate level of sensitivity in interpersonal relationships can also facilitate the establishment of positive connections. However, excessive doubt can impede progress and cause distress.

My advice to the original poster is to leverage your strengths in critical thinking and self-awareness. However, it is also important to assess the value of your thoughts and their alignment with your professional goals.

Directing your attention and thought processes toward the task at hand may assist in reducing your anxiety.

Hello, I'm Skye from Yixinli. I'm happy to answer your question.

You said you're 34 and your mom said you were stingy as a kid. I think about what my parents said about me as a kid a lot. Do my problems now have to do with how I was as a kid?

This is the start of self-reflection.

No matter how old you are or what you've achieved, you still have to deal with relationships, life issues, adapting to your environment, and emotional problems. We all have to deal with problems as long as we live and work in groups.

We can't always have a good relationship with everyone. When we have problems or stress, we need to learn how to solve problems and improve our stress resistance and coping skills.

Sometimes we overthink, but when we get to reality, we realize we can't deal with it, so our emotional troubles remain.

That's why you keep going back and forth. There are steps and techniques to help.

People in a bad mood or stressed out tend to see the negative in things.

When we are stressed, we see problems more negatively to protect ourselves.

When we're tired, we need comfort, encouragement, or repair. But at work and with people, we often do poorly.

We lack confidence and energy to take on challenges. Even a little unhappiness can change our emotions.

If we have problems with colleagues, we should look at the bigger picture. How are my relationships with others? Is this a general problem or just with one person?

Why are you concerned about this? Why don't you pay attention to colleagues and friends who get along well with you?

Why do I care about other people's jealousy?

What is my psychology? Am I concerned about jealousy or my colleagues?

Why am I stressed?

In an organization, there are good and bad relationships. It may be worthwhile to evaluate our own personality, the characteristics of colleagues with whom we get along well, and what we have in common.

What are the characteristics of colleagues you don't get along with? What are the things you do badly or avoid doing? Can you accept that you have one or two interpersonal shortcomings at work?

Or do I expect everyone to like me?

The workplace is for work, not making friends. Interpersonal relationships are only a small part of it.

In a unit, it's hard for everyone to like each other. But as long as the overall impression is good and there are a few friends who can work together, it's already very good. Many times, when we leave a unit, we don't keep in touch and we can't even remember their names.

If you're overthinking or dealing with colleague jealousy, you're facing an emotional problem. Build up your self-confidence and focus on the positive. With time and a positive mindset, you'll get over this troubling event.

Good day, host. I hope my response proves useful to you.

After carefully reviewing the description, I can empathize with the poster's inner turmoil. Despite our aspirations for uninterrupted happiness and worry-free living, circumstances often don't align with our expectations. Unhappiness is a common occurrence in life, and it's essential to acknowledge this reality. These challenges offer valuable insights into our personal needs and motivations.

My advice to the original poster is as follows:

1. Identify the fundamental cause of your emotions and make necessary adjustments.

When emotions arise, I attempt to identify the underlying cause. What specific needs are not being met?

Through constant self-awareness and reflection, you may identify the root cause of your emotions. Once you have identified the core issue, you can then work to resolve it, which will lead to a fundamental improvement in your emotions.

For instance, I previously experienced frequent instances of frustration when the behavior of others did not align with my expectations. I had certain expectations regarding my mother-in-law, such as avoiding control, my husband's availability, and my children's proactive approach to learning.

When they do not align with my expectations, I experience negative emotions. I later identified that my core issue is applying my standards to demand compliance from others, and when they do not meet my expectations, I become frustrated.

When I relinquish my personal standards, accept each of them, and refrain from forcing them to align with my expectations, my emotional state becomes considerably more stable.

However, the underlying cause of anger varies from person to person, as everyone has unique internal needs. Emotions arise when these needs are not fulfilled.

A colleague of mine frequently becomes angry when others fail to recognize and accept him. The root cause of his emotional distress is, in fact, his own lack of recognition and acceptance of himself.

There is a psychological principle that states that when individuals lack something internally, they are more likely to seek it externally.

When we are always seeking external affirmation and recognition, it indicates an internal need for self-acceptance and recognition. If we continue to look outward for external validation, we may find that others are inconsistent in their ability to affirm and recognize us. Additionally, we cannot control the actions and thoughts of others, which can lead to feelings of unrecognized and unaccepted. This can result in a negative cycle.

It would be beneficial to take a moment to reflect on our own thoughts and behaviors. We should strive to affirm ourselves, accept ourselves as we are, and accept our imperfections.

After learning to affirm and accept himself, my friend reported a significant increase in emotional stability. He noted that external evaluations no longer triggered significant emotional swings. He stated, "After accepting and recognizing myself, I realized that my world had shifted considerably. I am less affected by negative opinions of others because I understand my strengths and weaknesses. They disapprove of me because I don't meet their standards, but I am also pleased when they affirm me because it aligns with my values."

Human cognition, emotions, and behavior are closely linked. They are like gears meshing together. As long as one of them moves, the other two will definitely move together. Therefore, when we can identify the root causes of anger and adjust our cognition and behavior accordingly, we can expect to see a significant improvement in our emotions.

2. Avoid internal conflict, focus on your capabilities, and do not dwell on uncontrollable factors.

Sometimes, fatigue results from an excess of concerns. Have you considered whether you can alter the issues that cause you worry?

If it is something you can change, then take the initiative to implement the necessary modifications. Fretting over the matter is unproductive. If it is something you cannot change, then accept the situation.

As stated in "A Change of Heart," there are three categories of matters: one's own affairs, the affairs of others, and the affairs of a higher power. Individuals tend to experience distress when they fail to assume control of their own affairs, instead focusing their attention on the affairs of others and matters beyond their control.

However, a significant challenge arises when individuals fail to distinguish between their own affairs and those of others.

The behavior and thoughts of others are their own business.

An individual's development is shaped by their upbringing, educational background, and living environment. They have their own set of evaluation standards, and when these are met, they are likely to approve of the individual in question. Conversely, when these standards are not met, the individual is likely to disapprove.

We all evaluate others based on our own standards. When others meet our standards, we like, support, and approve of them; when they don't, we dislike and reject them. Therefore, whether others evaluate you positively or negatively seems to be related to you, but in fact it is related to whether your evaluation matches theirs.

It is therefore important to recognise that everyone has different needs and positions. This will help to create a more relaxed environment. There is no need to cultivate yourself in other people's hearts or force others in your own heart. Similarly, there is no need to crave others' understanding and recognition in everything.

It is our responsibility to ensure that our own actions and thoughts are in line with our personal standards and values.

Given that we cannot control the actions and thoughts of others, and that the purpose of our lives is not to satisfy the needs and recognition of others, it is essential that we devote more attention to ourselves. We must understand ourselves, identify our needs, and then take steps to address them.

When there is a deficiency within, we seek it outside. Therefore, if you require the approval of others, you must learn to approve of yourself. When you are able to accept and approve of yourself, and when your heart is strong enough, you will not be so concerned about the opinions and approval of the outside world, because you already have it.

When you prioritize self-care and self-love, you will be better equipped to extend love and support to others.

Therefore, it is important to focus on your strengths and abilities, continuously improve your skills, expand your knowledge base, gain valuable experience, and maintain a growth mindset.

When we can distinguish between what is within our purview and what is not, we can accept what is unchangeable and modify what is changeable.

Once we have accepted others and acknowledged our inability to change them, we will find it easier to cope with their actions and thoughts. When we accept their patterns and become accustomed to their behaviour, it will bring peace and relaxation to our hearts, reducing the emotional strain.

Best regards,

Hello, peers. I understand your troubles with overthinking, and I'm here to tell that girl who wants to be generous and calm to go for it!

[Original question]

From your description and the tacit understanding between peers, I have understood a few points.

?1. I am concerned about my behavior when interacting with others, especially when I feel unhappy. I need to understand why this is happening and how I can improve it.

?2. I want to know if I should blame my overthinking, worrying, and doubting on my "inherent" "petty" nature. My mother said I was born this way.

3. I attribute some hypothetical thoughts about "whether she is jealous of me" to that colleague who likes to "be jealous."

[Self-understanding]

In the spirit of being the source of the problem and also the key to its solution, assess yourself first before answering the question.

?1. The phrase "My mother said I was a bit stingy since I was a child" has always influenced you. When you feel you are not generous enough, you think, "I have always been like this since I was a child."

2. It is clear from your description that in daily life, you are primarily influenced by external self-evaluation. This includes the opinions of your mother, your professor, and others.

As a result, you tend to look outward and are particularly sensitive to the comments and approval of others.

?3. You have strong external personal abilities and a high level of internal reflection. However, you lack the inner security and courage to be honest and sincere with yourself. Your somewhat "evasive" self-expression shows that you have a sense of concealing yourself that you are not aware of.

There are a number of factors that may influence this.

1. Innate endowments include a rich inner world. The same sentence may sound like plain language to some people, while others hear the "scenery" in it, which is related to the listener's inner sensitivity, imagination, and growth experience.

?2. From an early age, they can be capable and act as a little helper to adults. They may grow up being praised, such as "You helped your mother with what? You're such a good boy." This kind of conditional care that focuses on things rather than people encourages children's abilities, but it also ignores the children's inner emotional world, creating a loophole of "lack of love."

?3. In the process of getting along with friends, there may be a lack of real emotional connection. This is often because there is an underlying interactive mode of "I have to behave well, so I am worthy of being friends with." This is a flawed mindset. It is also a mindset that is likely to lead to feelings of jealousy when someone is better than you, but you don't get good comments or attention.

The care, doubt, and suspicion with which one evaluates and responds to others is largely due to the absence of an internally stable self-evaluation (consciousness).

[Growth direction]

1. Develop your strengths and transform the negative voices in your rich and delicate inner world into positive ones. Change from being good at finding the "weaknesses" in yourself and others to understanding and discovering the true beauty and goodness in yourself and others.

The outside world is a mirror. It reflects back to you whatever is in your heart.

?2. Develop the sincere side of your emotions and find the feeling of eating sugar in your heart. Experience the people, things, and objects around you with your heart, and don't just care about the goal of things. Also experience the fun in the process. Become a capable and happy person. Open your heart and experience the unconditional sweetness of the heart.

?3. You can establish a more stable and realistic understanding and evaluation of yourself through reading, observation, and consultation. Once you know what kind of person you are, you won't care too much about the comments of others.

I am a fountain of knowledge. The past "encounters" have nourished our growth. I know you will grow up to be a beautiful girl with strong abilities, the ability to love yourself and others, and inner peace and joy!

Hello!

Host:

After reading the post carefully, I can feel from the content that the poster is overthinking. At the same time, I also observed that the poster bravely expressed his distress and actively sought help on the platform, which is really great to see!

This will undoubtedly help the poster to better understand herself and adjust accordingly, which is great!

Next, I'm thrilled to share my observations and thoughts in the post! I'm confident they'll help the poster gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

1. So what?

The original poster mentioned in the post that she had a little unhappy incident with a colleague. I would repeatedly confirm, "Did she say that because she was jealous of me? Or was it just an unintentional remark?" Here is what I want to ask the original poster: If she really is jealous of you, how would you react? What if she really is jealous of you?

It's so important to realize that we can't control what other people think. It doesn't matter if she is jealous or not, or if she meant it or not.

We can't control anyone, so let's not worry about it!

I think when the host is repeatedly confirming, they should learn to pause their thinking and tell themselves, whether she is jealous or not, so what? It's a great way to stay calm and collected!

Pulling our attention back to the present moment is a great way to step out of our thoughts and worries. It's totally normal to find it hard to stop thinking during this process, but we just need to pull ourselves back to the present moment and we'll be fine!

We must realize that the only person who can hurt us is ourselves — and we can choose not to let them!

2. Why do you care so much about what other people say?

In the post, the host proudly shared her mother's evaluation of her when she was a child. Her mother said that she had been stingy since she was a child.

How does the host understand this stinginess? Do you think stinginess is bad and you don't accept stingy people yourself?

Absolutely! The people around us, the things we hear, and what we have learned all tell us not to be petty.

Because we cannot accept our own stinginess, we are particularly afraid of misunderstanding our colleagues. But here's the good news: we can overcome this challenge! In the eyes of our colleagues, we are not stingy people. We can choose to see ourselves as our colleagues see us.

If so, it's clear that the host agrees with her mother's understanding of herself and has internalized it. But now that the host is grown up, it would be really interesting to see if she has used an adult's perspective to objectively consider her mother's evaluation of us!

So, is our mother's understanding of us reasonable? And are the comments our friends and colleagues make about us in our daily lives objective? Absolutely! We need to think about these things for ourselves.

This is the only way we can gain a more objective understanding of ourselves. So, let's build up an objective understanding of ourselves!

3. Focus on your own growth!

Thinking too much can be helpful at times. But if thinking too much causes you to feel a sense of severe internal depletion, then it's time to pay attention!

It's important to remember that thoughts are just an illusion. The more we focus on that, the more we can free ourselves from confusion. So, let's bring our attention back to the present and embrace the real world!

Do something to improve yourself!

Guess what? Doing more and thinking less can also reduce our anxiety!

I really hope these words will inspire the poster! My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a certified psychosynthesis coach.

You've reached an amazing milestone: becoming independent at 30! You've probably already started maturing on the inside and have a good grasp on your financial know-how. Plus, you've likely gained some valuable insights at work.

In addition to work, it seems that workplace relationships also give you a lot to think about, along with all kinds of emotions. This is your chance to explore the ways of thinking and acting behind these emotions!

♣Thirty and independent. If something upsets you, think about it more!

♣You feel tired. Since childhood, you have been a little stingy. Appreciated

♣ You have a little disagreement with a colleague. You keep checking

➕➕➕➕➕ Worrying too much

➕➕➕➕➕ Very tired

The other person may be jealous of you, or it may be an insignificant remark. But you are still guessing and making assumptions, trapping yourself in your own preconceived thinking and unable to move. But you can break free from that!

It's time to break free from the cobwebs of preconceived thinking!

❉❉❉❉❉ Forget about the little things and focus on the big picture!

The key is to start doing the things you want to do!

No matter what other people think or feel, you can still stick to your own approach! After all, other people are outsiders, not your boss. So, their feelings can be put aside for the time being.

If your relationship isn't super important, or if you don't think they're a vital resource for your work, think about what it was like before and what it could be like after!

These are all things we can think about. Maybe she has already had some jealous thoughts, making you feel unstable inside, or maybe some of her usual actions have already made you care a lot.

In fact, we still need to figure out that other people will always be jealous. If we care too much about what other people think, then our own affairs will be easily affected.

This female colleague is actually a variable in the outside world and a passer-by. If she really is that kind of person, there is no need to continue communicating with her. If she is not, then continue to observe her. Everyone else will have their own opinions. At least you still have your own things to do now. I recommend that you talk it over with a heart detective coach or a psychological listener. Good luck!

ZQ?