Being avoidant in attachment style, how to heal the impact on intimate relationships?

Hello, question asker! I can tell from your question that you are feeling a bit confused and worried about your relationship with your boyfriend, but I'm here to help!

On the one hand, you are worried that you will hurt your partner because you have avoidant attachment. But on the other hand, you can feel that you still like your partner very much and don't want to let go easily!

Perhaps you don't feel good enough, don't believe you can get unconditional love and attention, and don't think you're valuable enough. But guess what? You are! And you're going to find that out for yourself very soon.

You like each other very much! You're worried that getting too close will make the other person discover your bad side, and you're sad at the thought of them leaving because of it.

You are a kind and understanding person, but you may not feel as confident as you'd like. I want to tell you that you are actually very good at sensing your own feelings and are brave enough to ask for help and try to change. This process is not easy, but you can do it!

I really hope some of my suggestions can help and inspire you!

☻ Communicate effectively with your boyfriend!

You can be honest about your attachment style issues and are working on them!

Let him know that you're ready to take it slow and that you'd love some space to enjoy the journey!

And show him how much you really like him! It's not his fault, it's yours.

↗️ Observe and learn from secure patterns of togetherness!

There are so many partners around you who identify with the harmonious, sweet, and secure attachment pattern!

Be sure to observe how they get along, show affection, and handle disagreements. If you encounter problems, you can also directly ask them for advice.

↗️ Absolutely try to learn to rely on yourself!

You absolutely do not have to feel insecure about yourself, you don't have to be a perfect person, and you don't have to change for your boyfriend!

It's so important to remember that everyone in a relationship wants to feel needed. If you're struggling to express your intimacy, try expressing your need for him instead!

Go on, invite him to cook a meal with you, plan a trip together, and give him opportunities to show himself!

A moderate sense of dependence will make your relationship closer—and it's a great thing!

↗️ Don't lose yourself!

You don't have to change yourself just because your boyfriend has an anxious attachment. You are amazing just the way you are! We change ourselves to make ourselves happy and grow. The only one we can save is ourselves.

Guess what! Boyfriends are not as fragile as we think. If your boyfriend is willing to accept and grow with you, you will become a long-term loving partner!

If you just cater to him, you'll lose yourself! But if you focus on your own growth, you'll gain so much more love!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello, host. I hope my answer helps.

Don't be discouraged. You can build a good relationship and be happy.

You have an insecure attachment pattern, more of an avoidant one. Let's understand attachment theory.

Attachment is a special relationship between a child and a long-term caregiver (usually a parent). It is a psychological tendency to seek intimacy and feel safe when they are present. Attachment exists in parent-child relationships and intimate relationships, as well as among colleagues, classmates, and friends. It involves your attachment type, but it is only in intimate relationships that it is revealed more thoroughly.

How an infant is cared for affects their attachment type. Ainsworth's experiment showed that infants can be secure, avoidant, or ambivalent.

Other researchers applied attachment theory to adult relationships. They found four types: secure, avoidant, anxious, and fearful. We tend to have more than one type.

How we were raised affects how we form relationships and interact with our partners. Your attachment strategy affects your relationships.

Why are you attracted to a person? Why do problems keep recurring?

Your attachment type affects all of this.

Psychologist Kim Bartholomew (1998) built on previous work and classified adult attachment patterns according to the degree of "anxiety" and "avoidance" in relationships. People with a high level of anxiety worry that the other person will leave them or not value them. People with a low level of anxiety do not worry about this. People with a high level of avoidance do not like intimacy. People with a low level of avoidance are happy to be close to others.

People are divided into four attachment types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful. Let's look at how these types show up on the avoidance and anxiety dimensions.

Secure (low anxiety, low avoidance): Not worried about abandonment or eager for intimacy.

Anxious type: worried about being abandoned, eager for intimacy, dependent on partner.

Avoidant: difficulty trusting and relying on others, discomfort with intimacy, seeking independence

Fearful (high anxiety, high avoidance): Worried about being abandoned, but want both dependence and independence.

You are mainly in an avoidant attachment mode. The most important thing is to accept yourself. It's not your fault, but we can't blame our parents. There is no way we can ask them to give us what they don't have.

We need to think about how we can help ourselves, how we can change, and how we can grow.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Find a secure partner.

Secure attachments can help with insecure ones. They are secure and tolerant.

Spending time with them will help you rebuild a secure base and form a secure attachment.

If you don't want to break up with your boyfriend, you can communicate with him and grow together. You can also make more friends who are secure. I believe you can both grow slowly.

2. Find a good counselor.

Counseling lets you release your emotions and talk about your feelings. A good counselor helps you heal.

3. Write about your early experiences to understand yourself better.

Some psychologists believe that understanding your own early experiences can help you escape an insecure attachment pattern. Write about your past experiences and examine the reasons for them.

You know that how you attach to others is related to how you were parented. You can recall your parents' attitudes and ways towards you in the past, but at the same time pay attention to reshaping your perception of past experiences.

When you change how you think about past experiences, you can start to be more intimate.

4. Use rational emotive therapy to change your beliefs.

Our emotions and behaviors are not caused by one thing. They are caused by how we think about and understand things. This is called the ABC theory.

The ABC theory says that a reaction is not caused by a single event, but by a combination of factors.

People with avoidant attachment have negative beliefs when something happens, which can lead to bad outcomes.

If you send a message to your partner but they don't reply, someone with a secure attachment will think they're busy or their phone is out of sight.

People with avoidant attachment often think that if they don't contact their partner, it means the other person doesn't love them. This makes them think they can take care of themselves.

Try to change your beliefs and perceptions. Ask your partner what they were thinking. It's better than letting yourself dwell on negative thoughts.

5. Make a gratitude list and feel the warmth between you and your partner.

For example, when your partner makes you a cup of hot brown sugar water when you have a bad period; when you feel sad, your partner stays with you; when it's your birthday, your partner thinks of ways to cheer you up.

This is about allowing yourself to feel more of your partner's love. When you want to avoid it, your heart can gradually be melted by love, and you can have more communication and interaction, allowing the relationship to grow.

6. Communicate and express your needs.

Christopher Monn said in "Intimacy: A Bridge to the Soul," "The real motivation behind intimate relationships is need."

If you don't express your needs and vulnerabilities, the other person won't know what to do to help.

We need to connect with others and express our feelings. For example, "I've been feeling tired and stressed."

"Can you help me think of something?"

This kind of communication will relieve your pressure and gain the other person's support. They will feel needed and valuable. Regular positive communication will also warm up your feelings.

7. Know yourself and have good thoughts.

Know your worth and believe in yourself.

The Pygmalion effect in psychology says you get what you expect, not what you want.

If you expect good things, they will happen. If you expect bad things, they will happen too.

It's important to have positive beliefs. When we believe good things will happen, it helps us.

If you believe in yourself, you'll act positively and get positive results.

We expect ourselves to become what we want to be, and we will work hard to do so. But if we think we can't do it, we will remain stagnant.

I hope you can have a happy intimate relationship.

Hello, I am Leng Yue, the respondent.

From your written description, I can sense that you are experiencing a complex range of emotions, including love and fear.

You may have noticed that you have a tendency to "get what you want and then throw it away" in a relationship. In consumer psychology, there is a psychological phenomenon called loss aversion.

Loss aversion refers to the idea that the pleasure gained may not fully offset the pain of loss. Psychologists refer to this underlying psychological state as loss aversion, which simply means that people may find it challenging to lose.

In order to avoid the pain of losing what they have already gained, people may choose to actively discard it before it is lost, which can feel like a forced choice.

This mentality of "getting what you want and then throwing it away" seems to align with your own avoidant attachment.

It might be helpful to know that avoidant attachment and anxious attachment are both considered to be insecure attachment patterns.

Perhaps we could start by taking a moment to understand attachment and the different types of attachment.

Attachment can be defined as an individual's initial social bond with a primary caregiver (usually the mother) during infancy. It is also an important indicator of an infant's emotional socialization.

Attachment can be defined as an emotional bond between an infant and a specific object. It typically occurs between an infant and the adult with whom the infant has the closest and most frequent contact. Therefore, the most common type of attachment is between a mother and her infant. Attachment is gradually established during the interaction between the infant and the mother.

Attachment is thought to be formed during the interaction and emotional exchange between a baby and its mother. It seems that a mother's parenting style may have some influence on the baby's attachment type. It is possible that good parenting can promote the development of positive attachment.

It is worth noting that the type of attachment formed in early childhood can have a significant impact on a child's development. For instance, it can influence whether a child has high self-esteem as an adult, whether they enjoy trusting and lasting relationships, whether they are good at seeking social support and have a good ability to share feelings with others.

It is thought that whether a child forms an attachment with their mother in the early stages, and the quality of that attachment, may have an impact on the formation of the child's emotions, emotional personality traits, social behaviour and basic attitude towards interacting with others. It could be said that the type of attachment in the early stages may affect the formation of the individual's internal working model.

Researchers have put forth a classification of infant attachment based on the Strange Situation method, which identifies three primary types.

1. Secure attachment: These babies view their mothers as a reliable source of comfort and stability. When their mothers are present, the children feel secure enough to actively explore and interact in unfamiliar situations. They do not exhibit strong reactions of insecurity when their mothers leave or strangers come in.

2. Avoidant attachment: This type of baby tends to play by themselves, regardless of whether their mother is present or not. They often do not form a particularly close emotional bond with their mother, which is why they are sometimes called "unconnected babies."

3. Rebellious attachment: Babies in this category may lack a sense of security, and may be constantly on guard against their mothers leaving. They may be extremely distressed, and when their mothers return, they may seek contact with their mothers while also resisting their mothers' attempts to comfort them, displaying a contradictory attitude. This type is also known as ambivalent attachment and is also a typical anxious attachment.

As you can see from the above, it seems that you and your boyfriend both have an insecure attachment type that was formed early on.

You like him, and if he also likes you, it might be beneficial for both of you to be together.

"Should I let him go and find someone more secure, or should I try to heal myself and become his ideal and lover? How can I not hurt him?" From this, we can see that you are thinking of others' needs.

It may be helpful to consider that, even if it's not for love, finding and rebuilding your sense of security could allow you to enjoy the happiness of intimacy in the future.

With the help of a professional counselor, you may find it beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of your early growth experiences, and to explore ways to reshape and establish a more secure sense of self.

You might find it helpful to read "Sense of Security" by Paul G., a renowned psychological counselor and best-selling author.

The book "Sense of Security" offers a comprehensive analysis of security from a variety of perspectives, including seven major psychological approaches such as psychoanalysis, humanism, and behaviorism. It also presents a range of thought-provoking psychological experiments and case studies, providing insights into understanding security and its underlying factors, navigating the impact of insecurity in our lives, and learning to cultivate a sense of security in a constructive manner.

As a second-level psychological counselor, I hope my response will be helpful to you. I wish you happiness!

Hello, question asker!

I can see how distressed and torn you are! You have a psychological barrier to overcome, and you also have the person you don't want to hurt. It's a difficult choice, but you can do it.

Let me tell you what avoidant attachment is.

1. They have a negative attitude towards intimate relationships and are skeptical about long-term and stable intimate relationships.

Avoidant attachment personalities fall in love like normal people. They naturally long for intimacy, but they rarely take the initiative or never do. Whether it's pursuing or establishing a relationship, you are basically the one taking the initiative. They don't believe that long-term intimate relationships can exist. They also believe that love and hate are short-lived and can easily pass in an instant.

2. They crave love but simultaneously avoid it. They have strong boundaries and few people can penetrate their hearts.

They crave love but are paralyzed by fear. Excessive enthusiasm only makes them want to escape. They are insecure and adept at pretending. They have their own castle, filled with exquisite porcelain. They guard the entrance to the castle well, and when passers-by pass by, they praise her castle. They can talk eloquently and are friendly, always giving the impression that they are easy to get along with.

They have a low opinion of themselves. They long for the perfect self but often cannot face themselves and disguise themselves very well. When someone wants to enter her castle, she is full of anticipation and anxiety. She wants to share her treasures with others, but is afraid that they will think they are worthless.

People with avoidant attachment styles hide their true selves and want people to understand them. They are afraid that once they understand them, they will hate their true selves. This causes them to be in a constant state of conflict and struggle.

3. They are perfectly suited for being ordinary friends. However, once an intimate relationship is established, they will inevitably start to distance themselves and reject the other person.

Avoidant attachment is ideal for maintaining the status of ordinary friends. They can get along well with you when they have not yet allowed you into their hearts. Once they enter a relationship from friends to partners or a relationship with best friends, it is acceptable at first, as everyone is getting used to each other. She is also very happy to have someone who cares about and loves them. However, gradually, as the relationship becomes closer, they begin to feel the urge to escape. They long for independence, want to be independent, want to have their own time, and hope for freedom.

They will reject intimate behavior, even if they eat together, and they will feel uncomfortable. When you want to get close to them, they will wonder why you can't be independent. They will think you should be doing your own thing.

4. They are objective, rational, and "cold," and they dislike sweet nothings.

When you sweet-talk them, they will feel a strong sense of discomfort. They are objective and rational, and even indifferent. They have negative feelings about love. They believe love is very short-lived and can easily pass in the blink of an eye.

It's not that they don't like you. They just have a strong sense of self-preservation. They are afraid to show their emotions, and they also have a strong aversion to sweet nothings. They have a repressive system in their hearts: they think they don't love each other, so they deliberately suppress their emotions.

They will miss their partner, but they will reject this idea from the bottom of their hearts. They may even find fault with their partner to belittle them, telling themselves that they shouldn't miss them. At the same time, they will also know clearly that it is wrong to belittle others by not replying to messages in time.

They will tell their friends what they don't like about their partner. If they get a positive answer, they will feel a little more at ease. Otherwise, they will do what they want.

5. Avoidant lovers are very independent and refuse to rely on others.

They are resistant to intimate contact, used to being alone, and not used to emotional interaction.

Avoidant lovers are independent and don't like to rely on their partners. They have a strong sense of personal space and feel safe when they are in their own space. They are tactful in their dealings with others and have good boundaries with everyone.

They are not used to depending on their partner. When they have a problem, they will seek help, but it will not be from you.

Take a moment to reflect on your own behavior. Is this the case?

People with avoidant attachment personality often display the following behaviors:

1. Avoidant personalities are typically indifferent or even cold, lacking interest and pursuit in life.

2. They seem very independent because they always avoid too much intimate contact.

3. They often have a connection with attachment types in their choice of spouse. The reason is simple: attachment types are often more proactive, which shortens the distance caused by indifference and withdrawal, allowing them to establish intimacy.

4. Avoidant types may also show some enthusiasm in the early stages of a relationship. However, once intimacy is established, their apathetic and withdrawn characteristics will surface, as too much closeness is still painful and frightening.

5. Avoidant attachment: They avoid family life through various methods, do not participate in various social activities, do not travel, stay at home reading and watching TV, and do not socialize with family members.

6. Spouses' intimate behaviors make them feel uncomfortable and controlled, and they want their own space.

7. Avoidant attachment will undoubtedly display a need for intimacy, but when the need is met, they will immediately withdraw or even feel angry when faced with intimacy.

8. When they feel that they will lose the other person, they will try to please. Once they feel secure, they will show withdrawal and avoidance.

Avoidant attachment ultimately leads to feelings of inferiority and distrust of others.

Specific causes:

1. It is likely that your parents did not form a healthy attachment with you when you were a child, which led to your avoidance of intimate relationships.

2. You have experienced significant setbacks, such as the loss of a loved one, which has caused you to lose faith in romantic relationships. To some extent, avoidant attachment is a protective mechanism. Its existence once protected you from harm, which is why it still exists in you.

01

A secure personality is the result of low anxiety and low avoidance.

02

If you have high anxiety and low avoidance, you will have an obsessive personality.

03

If you have low anxiety and low avoidance, you have an avoidant personality.

04

If you have high anxiety and high avoidance, you have a fearful personality.

Here's the advice you need to hear:

1. Give the other person space to feel secure. He needs his own space to digest and adapt to the new intimacy.

2. Find a way of communicating that suits the other person. If an unavoidable argument occurs, control your emotions or refrain from constantly talking and reasoning. Otherwise, you will prevent the establishment of an intimate relationship.

3. Don't try to control or change the other person. It won't work. Your attempts to control will only intensify the conflict, and the other person's stubborn mindset will not be compromised as a result.

4. Build up your psychological strength and be tolerant and understanding.

If one person has an anxious attachment and the other has an avoidant attachment, the two extremes meet. This is a typical case of "conflicting love," where the two people love and hate each other, and the feeling is not just sour—it's a collision of Mars and Earth.

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are polar opposites when it comes to intimate relationships. One person chases after the other, and yet the two, who are so different, are attracted to each other and love each other unconditionally.

In "Love in a Puff," Cheung Chi-ming is the epitome of avoidant attachment. In intimate relationships, whether at the beginning or in the later stages, every step is marked by avoidance and withdrawal. This makes it seem as if the person is stuck in childhood, which is incredibly frustrating. Yu Chunjiao is anxious attachment. The two love each other but also torment each other.

It is important to note that avoidance and anxiety always create a spark, while anxiety and avoidance rarely do. Similarly, avoidance and security, and anxiety and security, almost never do.

Anxiety and avoidance are at an early stage, and there is something subconscious that can perceive the other person and feel something for them without being aware of it at the conscious level. This is similar to intuition. Safety also has this recognition function that will recognize the instability of the other person and withdraw in time.

Read his fearful emotions. Get along with him in a way that he feels comfortable with. Change his mind. Fall in love with someone with avoidant attachment.

1. Be tolerant.

2. Lower expectations.

Express your love actively.

Give space.

5. Take control by reducing the sense of control.

6. Don't lose yourself. Have your own life.

People with avoidant attachment styles all have a child living inside them. This child with low self-esteem does not need dramatic love. He wants someone who is like a close partner, someone who can play with him and give him the warm feeling of attention.

Love people the right way, and they'll love themselves too!

You've got this! ♥

Hello, question asker!

I totally get it. You want to love but are afraid to get close, so you're feeling pretty anxious inside.

I'm really not sure what to do.

As the saying goes, you've got to be the one to ring the bell and un-bell it too! If you want to improve your avoidant attachment, you've got to start with the cause. How you grow up affects how you think and feel.

First, let's start with your perceptions. It's so important to improve your self-perception and learn to accept yourself. We all get scared sometimes that after getting together with someone, they won't be as attentive as we need them to be. We often say that we're afraid of the coldness after the passion. This can make us feel like we're not valued, and it can make us doubt ourselves. It's so important to remember that the reason we're afraid of being coldly treated by others is because we didn't initially accept ourselves and didn't evaluate ourselves highly enough. This low self-esteem evaluation is directly related to our early childhood experiences.

But you must believe in yourself and your worth. Even if things don't work out, you'll still have gained so much from the experience of being in love. It's not always about the destination, but the journey.

Second, it's important to accept the natural process of change in love. Many avoidant attachment patients find it difficult to accept the natural process of change in love, so they escape and distance themselves. They are so afraid of not being valued and loved that this is the root cause of their desire to flee.

However, love is a process that goes from passion to indifference. When it becomes indifferent, it doesn't mean that it's not loved. The person's attitude might change, and it won't be as passionate as it was at the beginning. But your emotions will deepen, and you'll gradually become accustomed to each other and merge into each other's souls. When you see this process rationally, you'll no longer always want to escape.

It's time to learn to give yourself some positive mental cues! People with an avoidant personality always like them very much, but they always want to escape. If you listen carefully to the voice inside your head, you'll probably hear things like, "After he knows my faults, he won't love me anymore." or "I know, in the long run, he will get tired of me."

"Maybe if we get together, I'll be full of doubts and make unreasonable demands, and he'll start to hate me." These thoughts can pop up in our minds about any person or any relationship. It's not that everyone deserves your fear, but it's easy to fear everyone.

Then, start giving yourself some positive mental suggestions from now on. Replace "impossible" with "possible."

It's so important to remember that your thoughts don't necessarily reflect reality. When you catch yourself thinking something negative, take a moment to ask yourself, "Is that really true?"

"

People with avoidant personalities often have a lot of concerns and worries. Many of these concerns can't stand the test of time, so it's important to learn to live in the present. Take love, for example. Who knows what the future holds? There's no need to be as pessimistic as you think!

It's not set in stone, right? So for now, you like each other and are happy, then you have to live in the moment and seize the day! Even if you break up in the future, it will be a rare life experience. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, so you might as well enjoy it while it lasts!

Avoidant personality isn't really scary. What is scary is feeling trapped in a maze with no way out. The good news is that you can find your way out. Just take it one step at a time, and you'll get there. You'll see that things aren't always as they seem.

Finally, you can read more books on related topics or read some articles on avoidant attachment personality. If you have the conditions, you can participate in some group therapy, grow and learn slowly, and then take action. I truly believe you will definitely improve! If it is a very serious impact on intimate relationships, you can go for professional psychological counseling, which may also help you. You can start from how this personality was formed, what traumas you suffered in your early years, the need for trauma treatment, to changing your perception later, and then changing your actions. I truly believe you will definitely improve, and finally reap the happiness of a relationship!

I love you, and I love the world too!