Do I have a problem or am I just unlucky if I feel unappreciated?

Dear Question Asker,

From your account, following graduation, you elected to terminate the relationship, seeking to establish a connection with someone you found appealing and to experience the positive aspects of romantic involvement. However, all subsequent relationships concluded unsuccessfully. In your most recent partnership, your partner exhibited a multitude of issues. You endeavored to accommodate and adapt to each other's personalities, yet the recurring disagreements led you to recognize that this individual may not align with your expectations.

When reflecting on these experiences, individuals may perceive themselves as unloved and unfortunate, and may also doubt whether the problem lies with them.

It is possible that, as you have indicated, you encountered an individual with whom you could potentially marry, but this person was unable to provide you with the level of passionate love that you desire, resulting in the dissolution of the relationship following your graduation. It is important to note that this individual has consistently demonstrated affection and love for you, and you have been a highly valued individual in their life.

Following the conclusion of the workday, the individuals encountered are either utilitarian in nature, fail to meet the requisite criteria, or simply do not foster a positive rapport. What is required is a mature and stable individual who can tolerate you, yet such a person has yet to emerge.

The subject is now discussing this partner. The other person is willing to invest time and money, yet the subject does not hold a positive sentiment towards them. Nevertheless, the subject is willing to be with them.

In general, it is advisable to possess a certain degree of maturity and stability, to allow oneself sufficient time to fall in love, and to have a reasonable level of financial capability. Conversely, the love you initially sought appears to have been relegated to a secondary position. You are unconsciously selecting a partner with whom you can marry, but this choice does not align with your ideal.

It appears that you are striving for perfection, yet you are also willing to relinquish aspects of yourself in pursuit of this ideal. To illustrate, if you are experiencing distress in a relationship, you are willing to make compromises but are reluctant to engage in dialogue and communication with your partner. You are aware that your partner possesses flaws, and that he may also require your support to compensate for his shortcomings. However, you also have needs that require fulfillment, yet you have chosen to remain in the relationship.

Such a combination may be genuinely compatible and capable of facilitating mutual healing, yet the individual in question may not be the optimal partner for the other. While pursuing personal growth and healing, it is crucial to consider the psychological needs of the other person.

The perception of being unappreciated is a significant issue, and it may extend beyond one's own shortcomings. The individual in question may not possess the capacity to fulfill one's needs. It is essential to identify a partner who can meet these needs, with the hierarchy of these needs being determined by the individual. The aspiration for the other person to pursue perfection is a common challenge, and it is something that even the most accomplished individuals find difficult to achieve.

It may be necessary to rank one's partner's qualities, with the most desired qualities at the top and the tolerable qualities at the bottom. Reducing one's expectations does not necessarily indicate unreasonable behavior.

It is my hope that this information will prove useful. Best wishes,

Hug the questioner! I hope you feel the warmth and support, and I hope my answer helps you in some way.

It's so true! When there's emotion in a relationship, it's not always about the thing itself. It's about the unmet needs behind it. So, explore what you value most in a relationship and what core love you hope your partner can give you the most. If you can satisfy your partner's core needs and they can satisfy yours, your relationship will be more stable and you'll be very happy!

You say that you are sensitive and lack love, and you feel that no one treasures you. This is a great opportunity for growth! We need to learn how to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and be true to ourselves in a relationship. When we do this, we become more able to understand and support each other, which will promote the development of our relationship.

I've got some great advice for you!

It's time to explore and discover what your own and each other's core needs are! And most importantly, can you meet each other's core needs?

It's true! We all have emotional buttons that, when pressed, can send us into a tizzy. But here's the good news: once we recognize that our buttons are actually trying to tell us about our unmet needs, we can start to untangle the knots and break the cycle. It's an amazing journey of self-discovery and connection!

So, let's be aware and explore what the core needs behind your respective emotions are! For example, I used to have frequent conflicts with my husband. Later, through our awareness and exploration, I discovered that I was particularly agitated every time he rejected me; and he was likely to get angry when I showed a lack of respect for him.

So, we found our respective core needs, and it's been amazing! He's giving me more affirmation in the relationship, and I'm trying to give him enough respect. It's made our relationship much more harmonious, and we hardly ever have violent arguments.

When there are conflicts, it's a great chance to really grow your relationship!

In fact, no relationship is free of conflicts and disputes. Bi Shumin once said that she and her husband also have conflicts, which is perfectly normal. The important thing is not to avoid conflicts, but to use them to promote mutual understanding and knowledge—and to learn and grow together!

I'm so excited to tell you about a fantastic tool that can help you achieve deep communication: "Nonviolent Communication."

Specifically, it means choosing a good time to communicate when both people are in a calm emotional state and without judging or blaming. This is your chance to express your feelings, needs, and specific requests to the other person! Before you do that, you need to clarify what your feelings are, what your needs are, and what you want the other person to do specifically.

If you communicate like this often, you will be able to establish a deeper connection. You will truly understand each other and see each other's needs and vulnerabilities. You will also know how to give each other the love you really want!

3. Learn to love yourself well! When your inner world is harmonious enough, your relationships will also be more harmonious.

I used to be just like you. I would think that if there were problems in a relationship, it was because I wasn't good enough, I didn't give enough, I was worthless, and so on. But I soon realized that this couldn't be further from the truth! The opposite is actually true: when we love ourselves well in a relationship, take care of ourselves well enough, and see our own value, we can build a more harmonious relationship.

So, why is this? Well, when we don't love ourselves enough, we end up placing part of our expectations on the other person. We're hoping that they can love themselves as much as we expect! But, here's the thing: the other person also has limitations. They won't completely care for and look after themselves as we expect, especially as the relationship develops and enters the adjustment period.

And when we can love ourselves well, when we can take care of ourselves and our inner world is full, we will not be so eager for external rewards. Our inner world will be very harmonious, and we will also find the outside world harmonious. In layman's terms, it will become more and more pleasing to the eye! This is also due to the influence of the projection effect, because the outside world is a projection of your inner world. When your inner world is harmonious and full, you will also see the outside world as harmonious and beautiful!

I highly recommend reading "When You Love Yourself Well, the Whole World Will Love You Back." If you're interested, you can also take a course on self-love from the amazing teacher Zhou Fan!

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Good day. I am a heart exploration coach.

It is important to recognize that nobody is perfect, and that no relationship is perfect either. The fact that the OP did not realize that the suitors were not perfect does not mean that the suitors were perfect. It simply means that if the OP does not set marriage and love as their goal, they will ignore some of the details that should be paid attention to in a relationship. After being tested by reality, people from their school days will become more and more like Bai Yue Guang and Zhu Sha Mei.

It is important to note that the ability to restrain oneself in an intimate relationship may be indicative of a lack of sufficient love and respect. Individuals with close personal relationships are the group most likely to have their boundaries violated. When boundaries are violated, there are three potential courses of action: (1) breaking the rules and rebuilding them, (2) seeing each other's bottom lines, (3) recognizing that separation after a conflict is not always the best solution, or (4) being willing to compromise and accept each other after a conflict to enter a new balance. While it is acceptable to argue, it is crucial to examine and reflect on the situation after the argument.

In comparison to the idealized image in memory, fewer individuals are able to emerge victorious. This is why there are terms such as "white moonlight" and "cinnabar mole." The inquirer may attempt to align their feelings and demands with their expectations, summarize the issues in each relationship, and then attempt to avoid, communicate, and improve.

From the initial stages of dating to the more formal commitments of marriage, there are few significant events that will ultimately determine whether or not to continue the relationship. In fact, the majority of challenges arise from the finer details and nuances of the relationship. If you are unable to navigate the complexities of a relationship, it may be challenging to sustain a marriage. The shortcomings that you find difficult to accept in a relationship can serve as a reminder of the potential shortcomings in your decision.

A relationship is an intimate relationship between two independent people who become closer to each other. The questioner may attempt to comprehend each other's relationship personalities and subsequently improve their understanding of one another. "How to Hug a Hedgehog" may assist the questioner in making necessary adjustments.

Worldly success is not a reliable indicator of an intimate relationship's happiness. The suitability of a relationship is ultimately subjective. It would be beneficial for the questioner to consider the criteria they use to select a romantic partner. The logic of relationships is analogous to that of choosing a supplier. Initially, one selects a partner who is similar to them, someone who is evenly matched. Then, the couple works through the challenges together, improving their relationship over time. If they can overcome short-term difficulties, they can enter a long-term relationship.

It is not uncommon for individuals to feel undervalued when they offer assistance to others. This phenomenon may also extend to relationships with family members. In intimate relationships, it is crucial for both partners to take responsibility for their actions. However, when one partner gives more than the other, it can lead to feelings of being undervalued.

It is advisable to avoid labelling each other. When emotions are running high, it is easy to say things that you do not truly mean. However, every argument also represents an opportunity to gain insight and understanding of each other's core concerns. For instance, if someone in a relationship is prone to physical violence, there is a possibility that they may also engage in domestic violence within marriage.

The book "5% Change" suggests that it is acceptable to engage in constructive debate. However, offering the other party a glass of water after an argument can facilitate the resolution of differences and the processing of emotions. By focusing on communication and addressing discrepancies after the initial emotional response, the argument can be seen as a valuable opportunity for growth and understanding.

It is important to establish each other's principles and bottom lines, which should be adhered to in any situation. This will have a significant impact on the happiness of the relationship. Once there is a mutual understanding, the relationship will enter a new phase.

Best regards,

Dear friend, I empathize with your situation. Throughout the course of life, we will inevitably confront a multitude of challenges and confusion, particularly within the context of relationships. It is not uncommon for individuals to experience confusion and distress when confronted with the complexities of relationships.

One's experiences, emotions, and confusion are integral components of the life journey. They have shaped one's identity, making one more authentic and complete.

In the context of relationships, there is no absolute right or wrong; rather, there are merely choices that are more suitable for oneself. The fact that you once terminated a stable relationship in pursuit of your ideals demonstrates that you possess the courage to pursue the life you truly desire.

Subsequently, you selected a partner with compatible characteristics, indicating your ability to reconcile reality with your idealized notions of a partner. Regardless of the outcome, these choices represent a process of growth and learning for you.

In the context of relationship challenges, the decision to move on rather than give up is an act of courage and strength. It demonstrates an understanding that choices and decisions in relationships are not always straightforward. There are instances where hasty decisions may be made out of fear of missing out, and there are also occasions where hesitation may result from a fear of getting hurt.

These are all typical psychological responses. One's sensitivity and lack of romantic attachment are not deficiencies, but rather characteristics that contribute to one's authenticity and capacity for empathy.

An individual's sense of self-worth, emotional needs, and attachment style are integral aspects of their personality and warrant respect and appreciation.

In the context of relationships, the pursuit of perfection is a common phenomenon. However, excessive perfectionism can often result in a tendency to engage in endless criticism and waiting. This phenomenon can be conceptualized as a mirror reflecting both an aspiration for an ideal partner and a dissatisfaction with reality.

In the pursuit of perfection, there is a risk of missing out on potential partners who may be more suitable for us, given that perfection is an unattainable ideal.

An individual's perception of self-worth serves as an internal compass, directing their actions and decisions in romantic relationships. When self-worth is diminished, individuals may exhibit behaviors such as excessive dependence or alienation in relationships. Both extremes have the potential to negatively impact romantic experiences.

Thus, enhancing one's sense of self-worth and developing the ability to live independently and with confidence represents a crucial foundation for emotional well-being.

Attachment styles are defined as the patterns of behavior and emotional responses that individuals display in intimate relationships. The influence of different attachment styles on communication in relationships, conflict management, and the formation of intimate relationships is a topic of significant interest in the field of psychology.

It is of the utmost importance to gain an understanding of one's attachment style and to learn how to adapt and enhance it in order to establish a harmonious relationship.

Your narrative is one of growth and discovery. You have oscillated between pursuing your ideals and confronting reality, and you have found yourself at an emotional crossroads.

These experiences, although challenging, are also a valuable asset for personal growth. One's sensitivity and lack of love are not deficiencies, but rather distinctive characteristics that contribute to a more genuine and empathetic self-perception.

These choices are the result of an ongoing process of self-exploration, whereby individuals seek to ascertain their own self-worth and emotional needs.

It is important to avoid excessive self-criticism. All individuals possess the capacity for growth and the potential to err.

It is erroneous to view one's sensitivity and lack of love as weaknesses; rather, they are integral aspects of one's identity, endowing individuals with greater authenticity and empathy. It is possible to dedicate time to understanding one's own needs, expectations, and patterns of behavior in relationships.

One may enhance one's emotional intelligence and sense of self-worth by engaging in reading and attending workshops.

Effective communication is essential for problem-solving. It is crucial to communicate one's feelings and needs with one's partner in an open and honest manner, while also demonstrating active listening skills to understand their feelings and needs. It is important to recognize that emotional matters often require time to resolve, and therefore, it is essential not to rush the process. Allowing oneself and one's partner sufficient time and space is vital for fostering a constructive and productive environment.

Should one find oneself repeatedly encountering the same problems in a relationship, it may be advisable to seek the assistance of a counselor in order to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and to facilitate improvements in the relationship.

One's value is not contingent upon the opinions of others; rather, it is determined by one's own internal feelings and personal growth. It is a fundamental human right to be loved and to experience a fulfilling relationship.

It is recommended that one should be courageous, loving, living, and exploring, as doing so will result in the discovery that life will always present unexpected occurrences. It is further recommended that one should possess a resolute heart in order to meet every challenge and embrace every relationship.

It is hoped that you will be able to identify your own sources of happiness and harmony as you progress through the stages of relationships.

Hello, group leader! I am Wei Min, a psychological counselor. After reading about your romantic experiences, I can see your confusion. It seems that you have experienced the failure of several relationships, and you are wondering if there is something wrong with you or if you are just unlucky—you have not yet met your Mr. Right. I can help you with this.

I'll try to put myself in your shoes. It seems that you are in a very good position. Before you graduated from graduate school, you were courted by many people, and you also had someone who loved you very much. Someone who loves you is suitable for marriage. However, you are not passionately in love with each other, you have not found the feeling of a passionate love, and you are still young, so you hope to enter society and experience a beautiful love. However, after entering society, love has not yet arrived, but you have encountered assessments that are like KPIs for marriage, which have disappointed you.

My current boyfriend is the most sincere of the three boys I have dated since graduation. However, there have been a lot of conflicts and unpleasantness in our relationship. After getting angry, he doesn't take the initiative to apologize and comfort you. During a recent long-distance trip, after you had a conflict, the other person exploded, accusing you and saying harsh things. You were very surprised, as if the other person suddenly revealed a side of them that you didn't know. You were very confused. You asked yourself why the other person didn't cherish you and why a trivial matter destroyed the relationship to such an extent. You are at a loss as to whether you have met the wrong person or whether there is something wrong with you.

If you don't share the details of your conflict with your boyfriend, it's challenging to assess the situation. Without knowing the specifics, it's difficult to determine who is at fault. As a counselor, I believe that the fundamental principle of psychology is that the individual who initiates the exploration is responsible for defining the boundaries of the discussion. Based on your description, I can make some observations.

You say you are a perfectionist. You didn't fall in love much at school and you didn't open up. The classmate who loved you was marriage material, but you didn't feel the same way and didn't value it. Your current boyfriend has been depressed and has character defects and communication barriers. Fortunately, he is willing to devote time and money to you, so you lower your expectations and fall in love with him. However, when you have conflicts, he doesn't take the initiative to apologize and comfort you.

From these descriptions, it's clear that you see a sleeping Snow White who longs to be awakened by the prince's kiss. You crave love, but your idea of love is a prince who will sweep you off your feet, spoil you, comfort you, console you, cherish you, and awaken you from your slumber. But all of these things add up to being loved, and there is no reciprocity.

You don't need to spoil, be considerate, comfort, or console the other person. If you think you don't, you're wrong. The kind of love you imagine is a one-way love, the kind of love parents have for their children.

Love is a two-way street. You are both parents, children, lovers, and you can be spoiled, angry, and willful, but you also have the obligation to apologize, comfort, and please each other. The people you have been in love with several times have not been passionately in love with you, so you need to give more.

It's clear to me that you don't like each other enough. Your contribution to the relationship is: "I'm putting up with you, someone I'm not happy with, loving me and letting you love me is already the greatest contribution and gift I can give." I'm basing this on the information you provided in your post. If that's really the case, there's a structural imbalance in your relationship: your boyfriend is responsible for pulling the wagon of your relationship, while you are responsible for pointing out his shortcomings and flaws. Or there's another kind of balance: you are responsible for putting up with an unsatisfactory relationship, while your boyfriend is responsible for putting up with your emotions caused by putting up with him. In this way, in your opinion, your boyfriend doesn't take the initiative to apologize and comfort you after you get angry, but your boyfriend may feel that why is the wrong party always him, and he is responsible for comforting you, so who is responsible for comforting me him?

If this is the case, it's clear you both have a lot of emotional baggage and feel aggrieved.

If love is romantic and artistic, it is the intertwining and collision of loving and being loved. Both parties in a relationship give everything they have without reservation—all the passion and sparkle of life. But if love is a simple mathematical problem, it follows a love bank formula: if the gains of both parties in a relationship outweigh the losses and the happiness outweighs the pain, the relationship can continue. On the contrary, if either party feels that the gains are less than the losses and the pain outweighs the happiness, it may end.

The truth about love is similar to work: it requires business acumen, and work requires ability. Love requires the ability to love. The principle of "the harder you work, the more you get" applies to love as well as work. Once the veil of love is lifted, it's not romantic.

You can compare these principles to see if you are just unlucky or if you haven't given enough.

I hope you are well!

Good day.

How are you currently faring? Have the issues you previously described persisted?

Indeed, when two individuals interact, it is a convergence of two distinct worlds, comprising their respective personalities, perceptions, and needs. When confronted with the other person's accusations and attacks, it is crucial to recognize that anger, in fact, represents the umbrella of sadness. At any given moment, there is an underlying need driving the emotions and behaviors exhibited.

It is evident that the motivation of the other party is not to destroy the relationship; rather, it is to seek satisfaction of their needs. The attack is perceived as a form of destruction, which in turn manifests as a need to maintain the relationship. However, this need may be driven by a deeper personal need for control and security.

The question then becomes: how might one break this cycle? The individual in question wishes to express his needs in a particular manner, and it is possible that the other party may experience greater frustration and disappointment than he does. It is probable that the individual in question is experiencing feelings of disappointment and hurt, and may communicate (believing that the other party wants to indoctrinate and explain), or continue the cold war (believing that the other party is indifferent), or may also become angry (because his needs are not being met either).

In many instances, two individuals interact in a manner that is characterized by the assertion of their respective needs.

For example, an individual may desire respect, value, and love, yet may be reluctant to express this due to fear of rejection or abandonment. This reluctance may stem from concerns about age or other factors, leading to a reluctance to end a relationship that is important to them.

The subconscious mind is inherently wired to seek familiarity and stability, which can manifest as arguments and conflicts. These are merely symptoms of a deeper underlying issue.

In light of these considerations, the answer to the initial question can be seen to reside in the recognition that the responsibility for the situation lies with the individual in question. However, it is important to acknowledge that the other person is also a party to the dynamic and that their actions and reactions are shaped by the same underlying factors. It is evident that accommodation on both sides is a fundamental aspect of the interaction.

It is essential to recognize that the underlying motivation behind any experience is the need for self-recognition. However, this need may not be fully satisfied by the other person, just as one's own need for self-recognition may not be fully met by the other person.

It is therefore necessary to address one's own needs. It is not straightforward to be seen by the other person and to see the other person.

In order to address the issues at hand, it is first necessary to deal with one's own issues, and subsequently address the problems within the relationship. The relationship itself, and the other person involved, can be seen as a reflection of one's own self.

I wish you the best of success.