Do you want to cut off contact with your parents? What do parents and home really mean?

Hello!

At this moment, I'm sure you can hear the firecrackers outside the window. This is such a warm moment for family members to get together! But you can't feel a trace of warmth and kindness at home. This is really not an angry remark, but a deep-seated feeling of disappointment, grievance, and depression. It is said that home is a place to feel at ease, but obviously your home now has no place for your heart to rest, and you just want to escape with hatred. Give you a warm hug! How have you survived all these years?

[Let go of those feelings of guilt and be brave and be yourself]

From your description, I can tell that the questioner had a very challenging childhood. It's clear that their parents struggled to provide spiritual companionship and a harmonious home environment. Additionally, the economic and living conditions were far from ideal. I can understand the questioner's thoughts if they decide that this is reasonable and sensible, and they choose not to bring up the issue on the platform at this moment. You are waiting for recognition and approval because deep down inside, you have an opposing and critical voice that has been there all along.

In the book "The Ladder of Ascension" by the child psychiatrist Winnicott, the author makes an excellent point: these experiences can lead to physical, emotional, social, and cognitive symptoms similar to those experienced after extreme traumatic events, such as those similar to sexual abuse or domestic violence. It's so true that no one can advise others on goodness without experiencing it themselves. And I absolutely believe that no one who knows what you have been through would dare to use morality to kidnap you!

If you want to leave such a family to fend for yourself, this is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself!

In the book Thanking Yourself for Your Imperfections by the brilliant psychologist Wu Zhihong, the author mentions two harmful emotions: fear of anger and a sense of guilt.

Fear of anger: "Anger is the most powerful weapon, if not the only weapon, for protecting one's independence."

We often get to choose whether to do things our way or someone else's way. And doing things our way is a great way to feel free!

But we are often given the incredible opportunity to do what others want.

At this time, you may feel angry. It's okay to express your anger, defend your boundaries, and be true to your heart!

If you can't direct your anger outward, but instead at yourself, it can lead to depression, which brings on feelings of remorse, self-blame, inferiority, and other negative emotions. But don't worry! There are ways to combat this.

I'm so impressed by how clearly you can express your anger as a parent. It's fantastic!

2. Guilt

The deep-seated guilt of the questioner is simply her mother's loving argument of "we have worked so hard to raise you..." or similar. Her mother must have over-contributed to the family, which has increased her desire for control. There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving! Just make sure you give beyond your ability and willingness.

If you go above and beyond, the giver will feel a natural imbalance in their heart, and they'll be excited for the other person to give back in some way. If the other person can't give, the giver will be happy to make giving a condition, which will stimulate the other person's sense of guilt in a positive way!

So, it's important to be aware of this mentality. For those who deserve it, we should give what we can! But, let's not overdo it and try to use love to kidnap the people around us. At the same time, we should also persuade the people around us to stop overdoing it. These days, with the extreme abundance of material goods, there is no need to scrimp and sacrifice ourselves anymore. Eat what you want, don't always think about others, and it doesn't matter if other people eat less. Love yourself a little more, and when you're happy, your family will be happy!

Let's be objective about guilt!

Guilt is a wonderful thing! It arises from an imbalance between giving and receiving. It arises to remind you that it is time to make amends. When we feel guilty, we should appropriately compensate the other person. When the other person feels guilty, we should give them the opportunity to make amends, so that the relationship can continue.

Forgiving others is letting yourself off the hook—and it's a great feeling!

I can tell that the original poster is young and impetuous, and that he has said something like wanting to sever ties with his family. What is the standard for severing ties in your mind? Not contacting your family after you go out?

No more going home? No more financial dealings?

Have you watched the TV series "All Is Well"? It's a great one! Su Mingyu, the youngest child, has severed all financial ties with her family since the age of 18. She made the bold decision to cut off all ties with her family, but because of the ties of family affection, she once again got involved in the Su family's mess and helped out in the Su family's repeated crises. I can understand that you are eager to leave a suffocating family environment.

But there's no need to rush! You don't even have to make any firm plans yet. The Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and before you know it, you'll be free to leave your hometown and start an exciting new chapter in a different city. The distance will help you heal and move on. It's said that a happy childhood lasts a lifetime, while an unhappy one takes time to overcome.

There are no perfect parents in the world, nor is there a perfect childhood. But that's okay! When you start dating and get married, you will find that even if you move away, you still cannot escape the influence of your original family on you. The good news is that you can choose to reconcile with your original family, and when you do, you'll be free to move on from those deep-seated traumas.

Don't overthink things! You've been arguing like this for so many years, so why not make the most of the New Year's holiday? Treat yourself to a good book (with your ears closed to the outside world and your mind focused on the book). It'll be the best decision you make all year! I've got a great recommendation for you: "The Neglected Child: How to Overcome the Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect." This book will change your life! It'll help you understand humanity, yourself, and your parents better.

Leaving your current environment is a great way to create a more conducive environment for your physical and mental development. It's also a wonderful opportunity to temporarily let go of any resentment you may have towards your family and just react to the rest of the situation as it comes.

My name is Zhang Huili, the Sunshine Dolphin, and I'm here to help! I hope that my answer can help you. I hope that at this moment, you can at least talk and laugh with your sister. I hope that your dreams come true soon, that you can do the work you like and live the life you want!

I hug you from all sides.

I can see your anger, helplessness, confusion, and pain in your question.

Let me start by saying what parents and family mean to us.

Parents and family are things you can't change. You have to have them even if you don't want them.

Many time-travel stories feature characters who suddenly find themselves in unfamiliar worlds where they are treated cruelly and many people have the power of life and death over them. At the same time, these people use them for their own gain.

It's sad. A young man in the 21st century, in an unfamiliar world, at the mercy of everyone.

In a time-travel story, the main character usually doesn't let people take advantage of them. They use what they've learned, take advantage of other people's conflicts, and use the rules of that strange world to become stronger and more powerful.

Parents and family are like protagonists in a time travel story: you can't choose them, change them, or throw them away. But you can let go of them.

Don't let them hurt you.

Parents need to face their own issues like emotional instability, a desire for control, poor finances, and an unhappy marriage. You can't make them change.

Do your own thing, work hard, and earn more money. Money can cover up a lot of contradictions.

You can also take care of your younger sister.

It's hard to know if you should cut ties with your parents. Either way, it won't help your relationship.

Breaking off a relationship makes it worse.

Breaking off a relationship can have ritual significance. You can cut ties, ignore them, and be like strangers.

But it may not be possible to do so completely. Sometimes a ritual is just a ritual, and sometimes it means a new beginning.

It depends on how you see it.

It doesn't matter if you break off contact or not.

You can minimize the damage, improve yourself, and take action.

Talk to a counselor.

I'm a counselor who is often depressed and sometimes optimistic. Love,

Hello, questioner! You ask, "Should I cut off all contact with my parents?"

What does it really mean to have a parent and a home?

I want to start by saying I admire you for asking these questions and for thinking about the issues you've faced. Let's dive in and look at your questions together!

You're 26 years old, your younger sister is 10 years old, and you've been waiting at home for the past six months to be hired and move to another city! Recently, you've had a strong desire to escape from your family, to sever ties with your parents, and to fulfill your obligation to support them in their old age, without wanting any other contact.

Reason 1: There are cracks in the relationship between family members. You feel very depressed and unhappy at home. You and your parents don't feel natural when talking to each other, and you dare not make eye contact. You used to work away from home and had no desire to go home. 2. You think your parents are failures and want to stay away from them. Your parents are emotionally unstable, strict with you and your sister, and like to pick on and criticize you. Your father is easily angered and has abused your mother and you before. He is also immature and overambitious. Your mother is very controlling, takes on too much, never encourages or praises you and your sister, and likes to put the kids down. This has made you feel insecure, especially at home. Family is a burden and painful for you, and you feel inferior and unfree. But to be honest, your parents haven't mistreated you. You were taken care of by them since you were young, and you haven't suffered in the usual sense.

Your family's financial situation is very bad. But, after so many years of hardship, your family is still renting, living in an unstable place, and still owes hundreds of thousands of dollars in external debt. In recent years, the parents' marriage has been unhappy, and they have been unable to understand each other, resulting in many conflicts.

The only person in the family you don't want to lose touch with is your 10-year-old sister! It's either because you have a close relationship with her, or you don't want to see her go through the same growing up experience as you did, and you want to guide her more!

This is just how people are! The more you care about someone, the more you want to control them.

Your family's financial situation may not have been the best, but you've made it through the years and you're still going strong! You're already 26 years old, and your parents have been renting for nearly 30 years.

Your family's model is the traditional Chinese model of the man being the breadwinner and the woman being the homemaker. Your mother was responsible for giving birth at home, raising the children, doing the housework, taking care of the family's food, clothing, and living expenses. Your father was responsible for earning a living to support the family. Your father's income may have been enough to cover your family's basic expenses and to provide for the family's food and clothing, but it was not enough to achieve a comfortable standard of living—yet!

Your mother is very involved in your life and your sister's. She's always there for you, taking care of everything and encouraging you to do your best. She's not afraid to give you constructive criticism, but she also praises you when you do something well. This makes you feel confident and independent.

This is the traditional Chinese educational model that believes a child can be made filial by beating them with a stick. They don't realize their educational philosophy is outdated, but they're determined to stick to their own methods. Maybe from their perspective, they feel that they love you, so they discipline you strictly, but they don't know that their way of showing love to you is like a thorny rose to you.

This is just how people are! The more you care about someone, the more you want to control them.

Parents love their children, and it's a beautiful thing! But, just like anything in life, loving them in the wrong way can also be harmful.

In the natural world, humans are the animals that spend the longest time nurturing among all species. While many animal cubs are nursed for a few days or months after birth, or even have to face their own survival as soon as they are born, human cubs have the incredible privilege of being nursed for decades! When parents face the fruit of their love, most of them definitely love their children. For example, when their children are cute and obedient, parents are definitely very happy with them. But parents also hate their children sometimes, especially when their children keep disobeying them. Parents are definitely very angry and may feel out of control, but this is all part of the journey to becoming a well-rounded, independent adult!

At this time, parents may feel very upset, thinking about how they have raised them with great difficulty and hardship, and how much time, energy, and money they have spent on them. They may wonder why, after growing up a little, their children have grown up to be so rebellious. When parents feel that they have lost control of their children, they may use more stressful and more aggressive methods to drag their children back, just as the Buddha will not let the Monkey King get out of his palm.

So, your parents definitely love you! They just love you in the wrong way, which makes you feel hurt. As for whether you should sever ties with your parents, this idea may just be a thought generated in your brain when you are in a bad mood. When you feel better, you may still not want to completely sever the emotional link with your parents.

This is the most advanced human emotion and a form of love!

Home is a wonderful place that can bring you warmth, love, and hope!

Home is a warm haven. When a person is tired after a long day, they want to go home to rest and recuperate. Home is a place where love flows! In the small family community, family members care for and support each other, supporting each other as they move forward through the storms of life. It is the flow of love that gives people the strength to move forward fearlessly, undaunted by any hardships. Home is a place that gives people hope! People will indeed experience some setbacks in life, and the road may not be smooth, but people will still strive to live, because there is the light of hope from home leading the way. Looking at the light of hope from home will make people walk more determinedly and fearlessly! Home is also a place that can bring harm. In the family system, people are too close to each other.

When people are too close to each other, it can be like two porcupines that are too close to each other, and they will hurt each other. But when love is done right, it's a beautiful thing! Love is an art as well as a skill, and with a little practice, anyone can learn to love well.

I wish you the best of luck, and I really hope my answer is helpful!

I love you, world! And I love you too!

Hello, I'm Fly, a heart exploration coach. I hope 2023 is a happy year for you.

From what you say, it's clear you have strong negative feelings about your family of origin. You also seem disappointed with your parents. A home should be a place of love and warmth, and parents should protect and nurture us.

But all of this was just a luxury for you and your sister.

Given your parents' emotional and mental state, as well as their parenting style, it was becoming increasingly difficult for you to tolerate the situation. You felt the need to sever ties with them. I hug you with all my heart. Let's share and discuss.

1. Why does home hurt?

We all know that home is a haven from the stormy weather, and family members are each other's support. But in your family, there is violence and indifference between your parents and between your parents and you. You have long been denied your parents' affirmation and recognition, leaving you and your sister unable to feel a sense of self-worth and existence. This is accompanied by a deep sense of inferiority.

You're tired of your parents' emotional outbursts and dislike your father's immature and irresponsible behavior, including domestic violence and a lack of love.

The idea of wanting to escape wasn't something that came up recently. It was there when you were young, and it's been growing ever since. It wasn't until adulthood that you realized what you wanted, and you also had the ability, confidence, and courage to break through it all and break free from the "cage" of life.

From the kids' perspective, you and your sister are the "victims" of this family. Your parents haven't given you the emotional support you need to grow up healthy in body and mind. This includes unconditional love and care, praise and encouragement, and even the most basic sense of security.

It's often helpful to consider things from different angles. What are the possibilities from the parents' perspective?

Maybe they didn't know how to love or show it either. Maybe they grew up in a similar environment. Parents are only human, after all.

2. There are always more than three ways to do things.

You might want to escape, to eliminate the pain inside you and stop being affected and hurt by this broken family and indifferent family members by cutting off contact with your parents.

How to mentally separate from your family of origin and parents. First, you have to accept that "growing up" naturally brings out a lot of emotions, including anger, resentment, pain, and despair.

Second, as adults, we are responsible for ourselves. When we're young, we don't have complete autonomy or the ability to judge for ourselves. We can only receive nourishment from our parents. However, as adults, we are fully capable of rewriting our lives and taking back the initiative in our own lives.

Similarly, Tara, the author of "You Should Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain," whose family caused her significant physical, mental, and spiritual harm, began learning at 15 and spent 10 years reaping the benefits, resulting in a transformed life.

Ultimately, it's up to you whether you want to stay in touch with your parents. Can you benefit from this relationship in some way?

For instance, you can draw on these lessons in future romantic relationships and parent-child dynamics.

Everyone comes into our lives to teach us something. Be kind, even to your own parents.

Even if they're not the best people, we should still be grateful for giving us life.

As you mentioned, you haven't experienced the kind of suffering that most of us do. Some suffering is physical, while others are more psychological. In your case, it seems like your suffering is the result of not getting what you want from your parents.

Suffering can actually be helpful and can improve our lives. Focus on what you have and express gratitude.

"Where there's a will, there's energy."

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you all the best.

If you want to keep the conversation going, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'll be in touch and we can keep growing together.

Hello, question asker! I am Jiang 61, and I'm thrilled to be here with you today.

Thank you so much for trusting us with your conflict with your parents and asking what home really means to you! It's clear that the emotional trauma caused by your parents is still with you, making you unwilling to face them.

Now, let's dive into the meaning of home!

1. Relationships

1⃣️, meaningful question

You ask, "Do I want to cut off all contact with my parents? What do parents and home really mean?"

You have asked a meaningful question. From the question, it can be seen that you have a deep grudge against your parents. You don't know what they mean to you, and you can't feel at home. I'm very interested in understanding why you feel this way, and I'm excited to help you work through it!

2⃣️, Family situation I'm excited to learn more about your family situation!

Introduction

You said, "I am 26 years old, my younger sister is 10 years old, and we have been waiting at home for the past six months to be hired for jobs outside the city."

Your original family has four people, and you are the eldest! Your younger sister is 16 years younger than you, which is pretty amazing. You are currently staying at home.

Escape!

You say: Recently, the idea of escaping from home has been very strong. You're ready to embark on a new adventure and sever all contact with your parents. You're excited to fulfill your obligation to support them in their old age, but you're not interested in any other contact.

While you were at home, things got pretty intense between you and your folks. You were ready to run, run, run away from home! I can tell you really hate this family and don't want to have any contact with them for now.

However, you are a very filial person and are excited to show your filial piety to them in the future!

3⃣️, Reasons for running away

You had two thoughts about running away from home. The first was that there was a gap in your relationship with your parents, and the second was that you felt that your parents had a misplaced sense of education, influencing your current life and making you resent and dislike them, because they were neither outstanding nor capable, but instead suppressed you.

Relationship

You say: Reason 1. There are cracks in the relationship between family members. I am very depressed and unhappy at home. I don't feel natural when I talk to my parents, and I dare not make eye contact. I didn't have the desire to go home before, even when I was working away from home. But now, things are going to change!

You already had a grudge against your parents in your heart. Your parents' suppression made you unhappy and mentally depressed. Therefore, when you spoke to your parents, you revealed an unnatural expression and were afraid to look them in the eye. But you're free now! You're on your way to a better, happier life.

You just want to break free from this reality and see what else is out there!

? Behavior

You said, "2. I think my parents are failures and want to escape from them."

Your fundamental belief is that you are a failure, so why should you be demanding and controlling like this? At the same time, your emotions have been stuck there, suppressing you and making you want to escape as quickly as possible, to get away from the influence of your family of origin. But you can change this!

Reason 1

You said, "My parents were emotionally unstable, demanding on my sister and me, and liked to pick on and criticize us. My father was quick-tempered and had once physically abused my mother and me. He was also immature and overambitious. My mother was very controlling and took on too many responsibilities. She never encouraged or praised my sister and me, and liked to put the kids down. As a result, I don't have much self-confidence now. Especially at home, family is a constraint for me, a source of pain and inferiority. I'm not free. But to say that my parents mistreated me is actually not true. I didn't suffer in the usual sense under their care since I was young, which is great because it means I'm stronger than I think I am!

You left your family because you wanted to set a different example for yourself and your sister. Your father was a critical person who blamed you for everything, had a short temper, and often abused you and your mother.

And he is not a pragmatic person, with high expectations and no achievements – but he has so much potential!

And now for the second reason!

You said:

The family's financial situation, debts, and constant moving presented an exciting challenge for you! It made you feel like you didn't have a home and a warm place to return to.

? Reason 3

You said:

From your description, anyone in such a family would feel fed up. I can totally appreciate your deep sense of helplessness and resentment!

3⃣️, protection

You said, "The only person in my family that I don't want to cut ties with is my 10-year-old sister. It's not that I have a good relationship with her, but I can't wait to see her grow up with a different set of experiences than me! I'm excited to guide her more."

Even though you don't particularly care for your younger sister, she's still your blood relative. You want her to follow in your footsteps and you want to protect her from the influence of her original family so that she can grow up healthy and happy!

2. Let's dive into the reasons for your conflicts with your parents!

1⃣️, the influence of the original family

It's so interesting how your parents' family was just like your current family, with constant arguments and a dominant parent. It's like they were brought up to replicate the lifestyle of their original family in your current family, which is so fascinating! It's caused you to continue to suffer the same harm, but it's also given you the chance to learn from their experiences.

However, your parents are convinced they're doing the right thing when it comes to parenting. And as a result, they'll keep on doing things their way, which will undoubtedly continue to have an impact on your sister.

The damage done to you by your family of origin has led to some pretty big challenges in your life. But you've got this! You understand this, but you are powerless to change it, so you have an irreconcilable conflict with your parents and you can only choose to escape.

This is where it gets really interesting! This is the influence of the erroneous parenting perception of the original family.

2⃣️, due to personality

Parents' personalities

Guess what! Your parents' strong-willed, accusatory, and judgmental nature is partly influenced by the habits of their own families and partly by their own personalities. They're both control and radical types!

Now, let's dive into the fascinating world of people with a controlling personality!

The controlling type is eager for others to respect them, to listen to their opinions, and to not have their own ideas. Otherwise, they will be ready to take action! They love to fight for power and are very ambitious.

Control types love to accuse and judge others, making the person being criticized feel inferior and ashamed, and get them to obey their commands!

Now, let's talk about radical personalities!

The aggressive personality has so many amazing qualities!

You have a strong will, are action-oriented, energetic, and achievement-oriented!

You have so many advantages! You're courageous and decisive, persevering, not afraid of difficulties, and highly self-disciplined.

Now for the not-so-great parts! You can work on being less short-tempered, more empathetic, less stubborn, more humble, and more open to other perspectives.

Your parents have the same personality! They both have a strong desire for power and lack empathy. This is why there were constant arguments and discord in the family.

Now, let's dive into your amazing personality!

Your description also reflects that your personality is that of a pleasing + melancholic personality type, which is great!

People with a pleasing personality

A pleasing personality is one that is always looking to make others happy without worrying about their own feelings. It's a great quality to have, but it can also be a bit unhealthy. The essence of pleasing is that others are more important than you are. You're only safe and loved if you make others comfortable, which is a wonderful thing to be able to do!

So, you pay a lot of attention to your parents' feelings and use escape to avoid the gap between you and your parents.

? Depressed personality

People with a melancholic personality have some amazing characteristics!

Characteristics: thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and in pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty!

You have so many amazing strengths! You're sensitive, perceptive, loyal, reliable, talented, and insightful.

Weaknesses: You have a knack for dwelling on problems, are indecisive, self-centered, and pessimistic, and are passive.

You are sensitive and idealistic, and while your parents may have their shortcomings, you have a keen and penetrating way of looking at things. You are ready and willing to resolve the family problems you face head-on. You have hope for the future of your family and your parents, and you are eager to actively communicate and find solutions.

And that's why you do what you do!

3⃣️, the family has the opportunity to improve its communication!

Due to personality issues and the influence of the living conditions in your original family, you have not developed good communication. But there's no need to worry! This is something you can easily work on. You are able to solve the problems facing the family with a calm mind. All you need to do is start communicating more effectively. The discord between your parents and your fear of looking them in the eye and expressing your thoughts are all good evidence of this.

3. The Meaning of Home What is home? It's a place where you feel safe, loved, and accepted. It's a place where you can be yourself and express your true feelings. It's a place where you can laugh, play, and enjoy life to the fullest. Home is where the heart is, and it's a wonderful thing!

1⃣️, Get excited about understanding the meaning of home!

Home is the ultimate haven of love!

Social psychology has a fascinating take on the family unit. It sees the family as the smallest cell of society! Marriage experts also have a lot to say on the matter. They believe that the family is a world of two people who are together through thick and thin.

Home is so much more than just a place to live! It's a place that can shelter us from the wind and rain; it is a place that can give us warmth and hope; it is a harbor where we can dock; it is also our spiritual sustenance.

Love needs to be co-created, and it's an amazing process!

Love is mutual, which means that when your parents don't have the right perception, you have the power to improve your own perception and let them know what home and love are about! Give them your true love, and they'll experience the meaning of home and the haven of love with all their hearts.

2⃣️, running away won't solve the problem

In your 26 years of life, I suspect that many times when you have faced a conflict of ideas with your parents, you have chosen to escape or avoid the problem, depending on your personality. But you know that in your heart, the problem still exists and you can get around it!

You can gain your parents' approval, change your current state, and own this home! All you have to do is face the problem, speak openly with your parents, and resolve the gap between you.

3⃣️. It's time to improve your relationship with your parents!

? It's time to fight for your own interests!

It happens to you!

Ready to change your family relationship with your parents? It all starts with having the courage to express your opinions and stand up for what you believe in. When you do, people will value your voice, listen to your opinions, and respect your decisions.

So, being able to speak for yourself is the first step towards fighting for your rights in the family – and it's a great one!

Now for the fun part! It's time to express your expectations.

When communicating with parents, don't be shy! Be direct and express your expectations and what kind of support you hope to receive from them.

Effective communication is an amazing thing!

Effective communication is a wonderful thing!

Communication is the exchange of information, which is a wonderful process of conveying a certain message to the communication object in the hope that the communication object will respond as expected. If this process is achieved, then we have effective communication!

Communication is a two-way street! It includes both verbal and non-verbal messages, with the non-verbal part usually being more important than the verbal part. Effective communication is of great importance in dealing with family relationships and complex social relationships.

I'm so excited to share with you the four steps to effective communication!

Let's jump right in with step one: express your feelings, not your emotions!

Step 2: It's time to express what you want! Don't hide your feelings, let them shine! Express that you are angry, not that you are going to express your anger.

Step 3: It's time to express your needs, not complaints! Don't let the other person guess what you want.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not complain about where you are! Look at the end result, not get stuck in the event.

You try to communicate with your parents in an effective way, and I truly believe that even the hardest heart can be softened and changed by the way you communicate!

Expressing love is one of the most rewarding things you can do!

Home is the perfect place for love! When you have love in your heart, you can express and pass on love to others.

It's amazing how everyone has a different understanding of love and the way they express and receive it is so diverse! Dr. Gary Chapman has come up with a brilliant way of categorizing the different "languages of love" that we all use: "affirming words", "quality time", "exchange of gifts", "acts of service" and "physical touch"!

Affirming words are a wonderful way to show your love and appreciation!

It doesn't matter if you're friends, colleagues, lovers, family members, or a couple—you need praise and affirmation, and more positive feedback, to deepen your relationship with each other!

? Special moments!

A special moment is a wonderful time and memory that you share together, such as a candlelit dinner or doing something meaningful together. Make sure you give your full attention to your partner during this time!

? Accepting gifts

Exchanging gifts on important holidays is a wonderful, ritualistic thing to do. It's a great way to show your love and appreciation for your partner. The gift itself is a wonderful symbol of your bond and the love you share.

Acts of service are a great way to show your love and appreciation for your partner. They can be as simple as holding their hand, hugging them, or doing something for them without being asked. Acts of service are a wonderful way to strengthen your relationship and show your partner how much you care about them.

In short, it means doing what the other person wants you to do and making them happy through your service in life. Such service actions are often the little things in life, and they can make a world of difference!

? Physical contact

Holding hands, hugging, and other forms of physical contact can increase the affection between you, and it's a wonderful way to show your love! It's a language all its own.

When you express yourself to your parents in the language of love, or when your parents express themselves to you in the language of love, the barriers between you will melt away and harmony will reign between you. Love will blossom in your family!

This method has been proven to work in many families!

4⃣️, Emotion management

And finally, emotional management is an absolutely essential skill for you to handle family relationships. Emotional management means:

Now for the fun part! It's time to recognize those emotions.

This is the first step in emotional management, and it's a great one! When you feel an emotion, recognize what it is. It could be anxiety, anger, sadness, or something else.

Absolutely! Embrace those emotions!

Healthy emotions are those that are consistent with the situation. When your emotional experience is consistent with objective events, the first thing to do is to tell yourself: "My current emotions are normal," which is to accept the emotions. And you know what? That's it! It's as simple as that.

This way of thinking will reduce emotional tension and naturally restore calm within—it's a win-win!

Expressing emotions is an amazing way to connect with yourself and others!

Emotional expression is all about sharing your own emotions! It's a great way to connect with others and let them know how you're feeling. You can use "I" as the subject, and it's often a good idea to follow up with "I...," "my feelings..."

Cultivating emotions is a truly rewarding experience!

The great news is that you can cultivate and practice emotion management in the following ways.

(1) And there's more! Living a regular life will also stabilize your emotions.

(2) Develop a hobby, let positive emotions drive you, love yourself and life, and feel the beauty of life!

(3) Care for and look after others, let love dwell in your heart, and help others to help themselves! It's the greatest joy in the world!

(4) Get in touch with nature! Absorb the essence of heaven and earth to open your heart and soothe and stabilize your emotions.

5) Make executive friends and spend time with emotionally stable people to reduce emotional interference and fluctuations. It's a great idea!

Question owner, I have read some of my thoughts after your question above, and I am so excited to share them with you! I really hope they will be of some help to you.

And finally, I wish the questioner a happy, happy life!

Good day, I hope this message finds you well. I have a question for you.

From your description, I understand the discomfort you feel towards your family of origin, as well as your ability to be very aware and actively seek solutions to problems.

All challenges can be viewed as potential opportunities for growth and development.

You described how you did not get along well with your parents, nor did you feel at ease with them. Some of their actions made you less confident, and the financial burden in the family made you feel like you could not breathe, and you wanted to escape. However, you then considered your younger sister, who is ten years younger than you, and who is also suffering from the same feelings you experienced. You feel very sorry for her and want to guide her, to make her more confident and at ease. Is that correct?

Once you have resolved the issues you have been facing, I empathize with your situation. Our original families often evoke feelings of discomfort, and the process of healing can take a significant amount of time.

As the renowned psychologist Adler posited, those who are fortunate are healed by their childhood experiences, while those who are less so are compelled to heal their childhood throughout their entire lifetime.

The restrictions imposed by your family of origin have caused you significant discomfort, prompting you to seek an escape. However, you find it challenging to let go of your younger sister, who is ten years your junior. This illustrates that you possess a capacity for love and compassion, despite the harm caused by your family of origin.

You inquired as to whether you should sever ties with your family of origin. If this is a decision that aligns with your comfort level and is feasible for you to implement, then you are at liberty to do so. As an independent individual, you have the prerogative to safeguard your well-being and exercise autonomy in your decision-making. Given that we have not undergone a similar experience, we are not in a position to offer opinions or judgments.

If reconciliation is not feasible, this perspective is understandable. During my studies in psychology, my hypnotherapy teacher informed me that

You inquired about the true meaning of parents and the home. Ideally, parents serve as our spiritual pillars, and the home is a place of warmth and protection. However, there are instances when parents may have held back from addressing certain issues within the family or their own experiences. This could result in them unintentionally transferring certain behavioral patterns from their original family to their own children.

Based on your description, I have some minor recommendations that I hope will be helpful to you.

First, adjust your mindset.

It is important to remember that life is not always straightforward and that challenges are an inevitable part of the journey. When we feel overwhelmed by these challenges, it is crucial to adjust our mindset and avoid becoming too immersed in the discomfort. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can provide a sense of hope for the future and help us to move forward with courage. This approach may also be beneficial in guiding your younger sister and supporting her in building self-confidence.

Secondly, it is advisable to pursue a hobby that will enhance your confidence.

This advice is not just for you. I hope you can identify your own interests and hobbies, focus on them, and achieve a sense of accomplishment to improve yourself. This advice also applies to your younger sister. You can cultivate her interests and hobbies so that she can have interests and hobbies, shine, and become more confident. Having a skill is also a good choice for her.

Finally, learn to reconcile with yourself.

The damage done to you by your family of origin made you feel very uncomfortable. At the time, you were young and lacked the capacity to protect yourself. Now that you are an adult, you have the ability to protect yourself. You can establish boundaries with them. When you act in accordance with your values, you will have achieved peace of mind. When you have achieved peace of mind, your world will become brighter, and you will feel more relaxed and at ease.

It is also advisable to seek assistance from external resources.

Healing the wounds of the original family requires significant personal strength. When this strength is lacking, external resources can be sought. A counselor can assist in adjusting perception, identifying patterns, exploring the roots of subconscious issues, and creating a safe and inclusive environment for growth.

Ultimately, you have already recognized that the patterns of your family of origin are not conducive to your sister's and your growth. However, I believe it is preferable for you to focus on your own growth, self-adjustment, and inner strength before addressing the situation with your sister.

It would be beneficial to demonstrate care and affection for your younger sister as much as possible at this time. This may help to provide her with a sense of warmth and support within the family unit.

Hello there!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe that learning is the treasure of the body.

From what you've told me, I can really feel how distressed, dissatisfied, confused, helpless, uncomfortable, and in pain you are, as well as your strong desire to cut ties with your parents.

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of your issues with your folks here, but I'd love to share three bits of wisdom with you:

First, I suggest you try to understand yourself and accept your situation, my friend.

I know it can be tough, but I promise you it will make your heart feel a little lighter, which will help you think about what to do next.

You say that you are a 26-year-old girl, your younger sister is 10 years old, you have a bad relationship with your parents, and you want to escape from home. You also describe the reasons why you want to sever ties with your parents. I can see why you feel this way. Many children feel oppressed and unhappy at home. Their parents are emotionally unstable, they like to negate and hit their children, and some parents are violent towards their children. Some children have one of the above factors, and they may have such thoughts. Not to mention that you have encountered so many negative factors that are not conducive to your growth. So you have to try to understand yourself and comfort yourself. When you can "see" that part of yourself that doesn't want to be at home, that temporarily doesn't know what parents and home mean, that is in pain, confused and helpless, you will have extra mental energy to think about other things. Otherwise your mind will be filled with all kinds of negative emotions.

I really believe that allowing yourself to understand yourself and accept your current state will make it possible to promote change in the status quo. I know it might sound a little contradictory, but I truly think that's the truth because change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, I'd like to suggest that you take a step back and view your own state in a more rational way.

Rational thinking can be a great way to help you understand yourself and the world around you better.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help! A rational approach requires you to do the following three things:

First, remember that you're a different person now than you were before.

You said in your description that one of the main reasons you want to escape from home is that your parents like to pick on and criticize you and your sister, which has made you very insecure. But you need to understand that you are different now than you were then. You have grown up, gained knowledge and experience, and you can understand that just because your parents don't approve of you doesn't mean you are bad. Moreover, you can rationally look at yourself and know that you have your own merits. Look at your own merits more, and you may also feel better and less insecure.

Second, remember that no parents are perfect. We all have our own ideas about how we'd like our parents to be, and sometimes we're not happy with the way they are.

It's totally normal to feel this way. It's clear you're struggling with your parents and feel like they're not the best at educating you or managing relationships and the family. It's important to remember that nobody's perfect, including your parents. They're human, just like you, and they have their own shortcomings. They might not know any other way of educating you, and they only know to criticize and discourage. It's likely that they were also brought up by parents who criticized and denied them. It's important to recognize that parents also have their good points. As you've said in your description, they haven't really treated you badly, and they haven't made you suffer in the usual sense.

Thirdly, remember that you can change the status quo because you are in control of your own life.

When you put your own ideas into action, your feelings about your parents, your relationship with them, and even the way you feel about your younger sister might change. And that's okay! You can still guide your sister well even if you feel differently.

Thirdly, I suggest that you focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better. This will help you know how to handle your relationship with your parents.

For example, you could have a nice chat with your parents. You could tell them how you really feel, in a mature way. You could mention how their education methods have affected you, and other things like their marital status. Just be careful about how you approach it. First, try to understand them by putting yourself in their shoes. This will help them "hear" what you're saying. Second, start with "I" and talk more about your feelings. Avoid or minimize the use of "you" at the beginning. This will help improve communication between you and may also ease your relationship.

You can also give your parents some time, because you've had a really honest exchange with them about their parenting style, their marriage, and so on. They might not change all at once, because they're probably used to it, and it can be tough to change habits.

You can also try to accept them for who they are after communicating with them sincerely and giving them some time. This way, you won't be hurt if you don't have expectations of them. At the same time, when you don't have expectations of them, they may change for the better because they feel your acceptance and understanding. This could even make your mood better!

Even if they still are, you can also choose to sever ties with them. I think you should be able to accept this with a clear conscience, because you have made an effort to resolve the state of your relationship, and you will have no regrets.

Then you focus on yourself, live your life, work hard, and when you can afford it, move out on your own. In this way, you can guide your younger sister and let her feel seen and loved. Wait, in short, you need to know that you can do something to improve the situation, and I'm here to help you with that!

You also asked what "parents, home" really means, and I'm happy to answer that for you!

I truly believe that home should be a warm, welcoming place where you feel accepted, understood, and loved. As we often say, home is a warm harbor, and parents should be the ones to create that warmth.

If your parents can't give you that, don't worry! You can be the one to bring warmth to your family.

I really hope my answer helps! If you'd like to chat some more, just click on "Find a coach to interpret—Online conversation" at the bottom, and I'd be happy to have a one-on-one conversation with you.

Hello, questioner!

I read your message carefully and it seems like you're an outsider looking in on a family situation. It's natural to wonder where all the feelings that should have been shared within the family have gone. It's easy to suppress love and hate, but it can also be hard to find a way to express them.

Can cutting off contact really help us to overcome the difficulties of family relationships?

When it comes to physical distance, the answer is a resounding yes. As the old saying goes, "Out of sight, out of mind!"

In psychology, the answer is a resounding "no."

There's a way of avoiding things you can't face: you can bury them. But they're always there, and they won't go away. When you rediscover them, it'll have a bigger impact on you than before... (also known as the ostrich policy)

If there's domestic violence (which is never just one incident and often involves repeated harmful behavior), the first thing to do is make sure the person seeking advice is safe by maintaining a physical distance.

Once you're safe, you can start to deal with your psychological wounds.

"Not being heard" and "not being understood" are the things that cause the most pain in the parent-child relationship. No child needs to be rejected by their parents, but it's true that many parents, because of their own immaturity during their development, are unable to give their children this kind of support. This is a very regrettable thing, but it's not "unsolvable."

Relationship problems can also be fixed by working on the relationship itself.

If you can't get the support you need from your family, you have more options as an adult with a job that allows you to support yourself. You can talk to a counselor to work through the emotions you've been holding on to for so long. It's important to have someone listen to and understand your stories and emotions, including love and hate. There's also the sadness and frustration of a child who didn't understand why their parents treated them that way when they were younger.

If you find yourself in trouble again during the Spring Festival, remember that there are many teachers on Yixinli who are willing to accompany you through it together. You can seek online counseling, instant listening services, text-based heart exploration coaching, and other services. You don't have to face it alone!

I truly believe you'll find your way out eventually. There's no need to "escape."

Well done!

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and true to myself.

Forgive your family and yourself.

From the description, I feel helpless. Looking back, there's a strong suffocating feeling, and it's reasonable to want to escape. Can we reconcile with our family?

As we grow older, we understand our families better. This makes us focus on the negative points, which is painful.

The original family is caused by many reasons. If we see something bad, we should leave and start a new family.

Do what you want.

If we used to depend on our families for everything, then now we have the right to choose.

As an older sister, you hope your younger sister won't have to deal with your flaws and that you can help her. You hope you can be a good role model.

Your family is connected to you emotionally and materially. If you change one thing, you'll have to give something up. I hope that at 26, you can do what you really want to do.

Hello! From what you've told me, I can see you're going through a really tough time. It's so hard when we feel conflicted, hurt and helpless, isn't it?

Hi everyone! I'm a psychological counselor, and I'd love to share some insights from a psychological perspective.

Everyone's upbringing is closely linked to our parents. We cannot choose our family, but now you can see the patterns of your parents' relationship, experience your own growth process, become yourself, and start your own pattern. It's okay to feel confused or frustrated. It's a journey, and you're doing great!

In your description, you mentioned some really tough stuff, like domestic violence by your father, control by your mother, an unstable relationship between your parents, an inferiority complex in your upbringing, instability, etc. You hope to be able to leave your family in the future, but you don't want your younger sister to have the same experience as you. You want to help your younger sister, but here you are faced with your own helplessness and conflicts. How do you adjust yourself and change the current conflicts and helplessness?

First, accept yourself. We can't choose our parents, and we can't go back and do it all over again. But if we accept ourselves, we can adjust to the relationships we have with our parents. And you've already grown up and want to change your family environment and adjust your living space.

In your description, you've shared how your parents have made you feel, and you've also shared how they've made you happy. This is a great resource for you! It's because of this resource that you've become the amazing person you are today, capable of learning, working, and finding your own path in life.

It's important to understand that in your parents' generation, including their personality traits, there were limitations. It's not that they didn't love you and your sister; it's just that they might not have been capable of it, or they didn't have enough love in their emotional relationships. After you reflect and become aware, you don't want to escape from reality, nor do you want to sever your relationship. This is an expression of your helplessness in the midst of your pain, but deep down, you also want to change; you just don't have the ability.

It's so important to accept yourself, with all your wonderful imperfections and amazing resources. Embrace them now, so you can adjust your own patterns, live the life you truly want, or learn new patterns that are more suitable for you. Don't stop loving yourself just because your parents didn't love you. Instead, learn to love yourself better! This takes time, but you can do it.

It's also really important to learn to express your inner thoughts and feelings.

It's totally normal to feel down when you're at home. If your parents still don't understand you, it can really affect how you feel. This is a great chance to learn to express your emotions. Your parents are used to blaming, criticizing, and denying you. You can learn to use descriptive language instead of judgmental language. This is also your chance to grow. Being blamed, criticized, and denied is uncomfortable and hurts. As we grow up, we don't use violence to counter violence, nor do we escape and withdraw. Instead, we learn to love ourselves and take care of ourselves. This helps us have a stable state of mind to communicate, express ourselves, and communicate, so that we can change your family relationships and also help your sister grow up.

I'm so happy to see your description on the platform! This is your growth, and it's also your way of expressing that you're having trouble solving problems. Many teachers can help and support you from different perspectives. This is the first step in your growth. The world and I love you, and you must also love yourself. Come on, and I'm also willing to use my professional knowledge to help you!

Hello.

I am Kelly Shui, a heart detective.

Today, we're going to talk about some of the confusion in the family.

"Do you want to cut off contact with your parents?"

I can see your anger, your confusion, and your contradictions in just a few words.

I am certain that behind the "severance" is love, or a desire to escape reality for a short time.

Do we want to break away from our parents?

Or do you want to discover the emotions behind your anger? When you come here with your confusion, we will explore together why these emotions arise.

As a bystander, I can see your love for your family through your words.

You are 26 years old, waiting at home for the process of joining the workforce to begin. You have a strong urge to escape from your family and sever all ties with your parents. You are content to fulfill your duty of supporting your parents in their old age and do not want any other contact.

It's clear you're disappointed with your parents. You went away to study at 26, and now you're back and struggling to accept some of their ideas.

I understand these thoughts completely. The famous psychologist Carl Rogers also talked about feelings towards parents.

The renowned Stanford existentialist Irwin Yalom also addressed the conflict with one's original family.

It also shows that you clearly see the restrictions and suppression of your family on you, as well as the rift with your parents.

1: Many parents treat their children as extensions of themselves, ignoring the fact that children are individuals with the ability to think and take initiative.

2: They will force their ideas on their children, and they will make sure their children know that they are always right.

Chinese parents tend to see themselves as authorities, which is why many people are unable to communicate well with their parents.

3: It's rare to find a parent who'll admit their own shortcomings in front of their kids, let alone admit a mistake. From childhood to adulthood, kids are taught to keep quiet and not challenge their parents.

Parents must recognize that they want their children to respect them and set an example of equality. Parents possess a kind of dignity that is theirs alone and is not to be questioned. Defend yourself. Thousands of years of culture are deeply rooted in the collective unconscious.

They see their parents as inadequate and allow themselves to feel emotions while also accepting that their parents are failures in their eyes.

They are just ordinary parents. My parents are included.

You're 26. You're an adult. You can make your own choices.

I respect and understand whatever decision you make. You are responsible for your own choices and your own life.

For example, if you want to stay away from

My parents have unstable emotions, are strict with my sister and me, and like to pick on and criticize us. My father is easily angered and has been violent towards my mother and me. My mother is very controlling and likes to beat up her children.

The family is a system, and there's no question that parents' emotional instability has a significant impact on children.

You saw how your own emotions were affected by those of your parents, and you also saw your father beating you and your mother.

Domestic violence will make you afraid of your father and resent him at the same time, since your parents have been married for many years. And? With two children, I believe they also have their own ways of expressing their emotions.

Parents should handle their own affairs.

A mother who strikes will make you feel insecure.

I hug you because I can see your grievances here.

We can separate the issues.

Read "The Courage to Be Disliked" to understand your emotions. Talk to a counselor about your repressed emotions. Let the counselor accompany you for a period of time to help you grow.

Take responsibility for yourself. You are free to leave home and work outside.

The family's financial situation is dire. After years of struggle, my family is still renting and has no fixed abode. We also owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in external debt.

Everyone has their limitations. It's possible that mom and dad tried hard, but they may not have had the ability to make their dreams come true.

This is a matter for your parents, who are adults and can handle their own affairs.

You are responsible for living your life well. You can also write about your parents' strengths and weaknesses.

Take the essence of your parents' qualities and discard the dross.

My parents have had marital problems in recent years. They simply don't understand each other, and there are a lot of conflicts.

Let me be clear: what does family mean?

Let's be real: Parents not getting along is a problem everyone has at some point in their marriage.

I have been a parent for 25 years, and I can tell you that

Every family has its own problems.

Your love for your 10-year-old sister may have been a source of early trauma for you.

It's clear she's in pain. Children love their parents. Parents are their nurturers and responsible for them. Legally, the guardian is still the parent.

Once she turns 18, you can take care of her more or encourage her to do what she wants.

Go to the school you want to go to.

The older sister sets an example and can also become a role model for the younger sister.

You must pay attention and take responsibility for your own life.

Live in the present. Accept what cannot be changed. Make your own arrangements for the future. Be your own master.

Happy birthday!