Does my 8-year-old daughter need to see a doctor? She always thinks too much and is prone to nervous breakdowns.

Hi, I'm Yu Ting, a psychological counselor at One Mind.

I can see that you're concerned about your 8-year-old daughter's tendency to overthink and emotional instability. You're unsure if she needs to see a doctor.

I can tell you're worried about your child. You care a lot about how she feels and are very attentive.

You mentioned that your child seems to get nervous, anxious, worried, and scared easily when they encounter even slightly stressful things. I have a few questions:

I'm not sure how your relationship with your child is going.

What's your usual way of interacting with her?

When did she start having these emotional breakdowns?

How did you handle it when she made a mistake before?

I have these problems because, in general, when this happens to children, it's because their parents treat them in a strict or harsh manner, which makes them overly sensitive and vulnerable. If this is the cause, you can consider improving the way parents treat their children. If adults change the way they treat their children, their children will slowly change too. If children feel that the environment around them is more relaxed and accepting, and that everything is allowed and accepted, they will not be so emotional.

You said that when you helped her analyze the situation and guided her to look at it from a different perspective, she was able to calm down. I don't think the situation is too bad, so there's no need to worry too much. But to better understand and help your child, I suggest that you find a counselor for a consultation. Even if there are no major problems, you can still get an early understanding, so that you can prevent problems before they arise.

We hope these suggestions are helpful for you, and we'd love to hear your feedback.

I think it can be seen from two different points of view.

The child really enjoys dance class and will practise at home with dedication. They're also proactive and thoughtful, which I think is great.

The child is still young and doesn't have the problem-solving skills or emotional control to deal with this on their own. It's not a big issue, but it would be better for parents to encourage them and help them learn to prevent problems.

On the other hand, it's important to look into why the child is having a hard time emotionally. If the child is struggling to learn how to express anger, it might be because they have high expectations of themselves. But if the child is nervous and unsure because they're afraid of being criticized by the teacher or parents, it might be helpful to reflect on the parenting style. Is it too demanding and critical? Is it a habit to compare the child with other children?

This can put too much pressure on the child. An 8-year-old child isn't yet able to resist or express their thoughts verbally, so they can only relieve the pressure by crying and putting things off.

Also, when a child is feeling really negative, parents should still accept and comfort their emotions. This gives the child a chance to talk about what they're feeling and thinking. This can help them understand their emotions better, and then they can learn to manage them.

Let the child tell you what happened, why they're upset, and what they're worried about. Don't be critical or judgmental, but listen with encouragement, eye contact, and a hug. You might find that the reason the child is crying is only the surface reason, and the deeper reason may be that the child doesn't feel loved and supported, or that the love of their parents is too hard to come by.

Once the emotional issue has been resolved, parents can discuss with their children how to solve specific problems, who they can ask for help, how to communicate and make requests to the teacher, etc. When a child is still in a negative mood, they won't be able to listen to too much reasoning or preaching.

A child's emotional intelligence is influenced by genetics, but in family education, parents' "unconditional love and attention" for their children is even more important, especially when children encounter setbacks and have strong negative emotions. Parents need to be able to accept their children's emotions first, build a good relationship, and then wait until their children's emotions calm down before discussing solutions to specific problems in a constructive way.

Hello, I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to let you know that I received your question and I empathize with your concerns. I'm here to support you in any way I can.

You mention that when your daughter encounters problems, it seems that she unconsciously "exaggerates the difficulty of the problem." Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, it can have a significant impact on your daughter's emotions. You're seeking guidance on how to respond to your daughter's reactions.

I believe your actions were commendable. When your daughter was facing challenges and experiencing strong emotional fluctuations, you offered her a different perspective to help her perceive the situation more clearly, which was beneficial in calming her down.

Perhaps the next step would be to help our daughter develop "the ability to cope with unexpected events" and increase her patience when dealing with problems. This could help her to do a good job and solve problems without panicking.

Please find below some suggestions for your consideration:

1. It could be said that the "mirroring" relationship is the foundation of a stable personality.

In psychology, there is an important concept that I believe is worth considering, which is Heinz Kohut's idea of the "self object."

For a growing child, self-function (self) may not yet be fully developed, self-esteem may still be unstable, and they may not yet have the ability to live independently. They may still require the support and care of their parents. It may therefore be helpful for parents (objects) to help and promote the child's self-confidence.

It may be beneficial for parents to adopt an attitude of affirmation and appreciation in a warm and safe environment. This could help children to draw strength from their parents' positive image, which in turn could foster a sense of self-worth.

2. It would be beneficial to help children learn self-control.

When a child has an emotional outburst, it is important to remember that the first thing we should do is not to make them endure it or cry, but to ask them why they are angry. We should listen to them and pay attention to what they are thinking, and try to empathize with their feelings. This will help the child to learn to control their emotions without panicking. For example,

Mother: Honey, if you don't mind sharing, could you tell mommy why you're crying?

Son: I'm just wondering, what if I can't learn it? The teacher didn't teach it, and she will teach it every time.

Mother: Is there something you're worried about? Or are you just thinking about what might happen if you don't learn it?

Son: I'm not sure.

Since children are still developing their communication skills, we can assist them in recounting their experiences and organizing their thoughts. For instance:

Mother: Oh! I understand you're concerned about learning from the video alone since the teacher hasn't taught you. It's understandable to feel left behind if everyone else has already learned it by the time you start dancing class.

Son: I believe so.

Mother: It's okay. The teacher didn't teach it, but there are videos at home that you can play over and over. Mom will practice with you, and if you still can't learn it, we can still ask the teacher to teach us. You did great before, so we'll be fine if we try again.

Son: I think I can do it.

In addition to learning self-control, we can also consider making agreements with our children to help them understand the boundaries, so that they can decide whether their temper tantrums are effective, and give them more opportunities to make decisions for themselves in life.

3. Consider replacing negative feelings with positive ones.

You mentioned that your baby tends to break down at the slightest thing. Have you considered that your child may only react this way to certain things? For instance, when encountering new things, when learning something and not being able to do it, or when things don't turn out as expected. You might find it helpful to identify any fixed tendencies so that you can learn to change habits.

In addition to the previously mentioned suggestion of increasing your child's self-control, you might also consider observing the positive aspects of the incident and providing feedback to your child. For example, you could ask questions like, "What did you learn from this incident?" or "How should we handle it next time?"

Could it be that remaining calm helps us to learn better?

Every child is born with their own unique characteristics. Some are more active, some are quiet, and some are more sensitive. Especially when they are young, before their neurological development is mature, they may seem to have all kinds of problems. At this time, it is important to remember that we should not only care about the development of the child, but also not be nervous. If you still want to take your child to the doctor for advice, that is fine. However, most doctors will recommend observing the child for a while and waiting until they are older before making a diagnosis.

You might also find it helpful to refer to the book The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel, which explores the connection between your child's brain development and emotions.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you.