Don't you know how to cherish things? How can you resolve the inconsistency between what you say and what you do?

Hello, question asker.

Thanks for sharing so openly. I can see you're a very emotionally sensitive person, and this has caused you distress and left you unsure of what to do. In fact, sensitive people are better at reading people and are more aware of the sense of proportion and sense of space between people. It's not that they don't know how to cherish, it's just that they need different ways to express their emotions.

Your family is away for a while, and you don't want to get mushy. You're testing your emotions and you don't want to show them on purpose.

Maybe you don't want to be tied down by other people's emotions. You're very self-conscious and don't even want to be influenced by other people. But your emotions are delicate, and you blame yourself for not knowing how to cherish them.

Let's try something else. When your family goes out, just say, "Be careful on the road," instead of "I'll miss you, I'll be waiting for you when you come back," etc. Try experimenting with your emotions and see how it goes. You might find you can communicate your thoughts with the other person more sincerely. This way of expressing your feelings might not be the best for you, as it could give people the impression that you're indifferent and aloof.

Also, if you keep your feelings bottled up, you'll feel more and more disconnected from yourself. How long has it been since you've shared your true feelings? We can help you find the right people to let them know how you feel, express your inner emotions, and align your inner and outer selves.

I hope this helps. I care about you.

Dear Question Asker, From the description provided in the text, it appears that you are experiencing confusion and distress due to your inconsistent behavior.

Indeed, the scenario you outlined is one that many individuals may find themselves in at one point or another. I aim to present my perspective below in the hope that it may offer some assistance to you.

?1. You stated, "I experience a sense of loneliness, yet I tend to disengage from others during pivotal moments." You aspire for intimacy but resist the proximity of others. Might I inquire as to whether you harbor a modicum of trepidation regarding intimacy? In fact, in mature emotional relationships, the manner in which we interact with others can be classified into four attachment categories, as defined by psychological theory: secure attachment, anxious attachment, fearful attachment, and avoidant attachment.

Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to feel safe, trusting, and optimistic about intimacy and mutual dependence. For these reasons, feeling trust in one's partner and being safe in a relationship can be considered the ideal state for those with one of the four personality types.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to desire intimacy, yet simultaneously experience persistent apprehension that their partner will disengage from the relationship. They exhibit unease and concern regarding any perceived threat to the stability of their intimate bond, and often display a pronounced sense of possessiveness within the relationship.

Individuals with avoidant attachment styles tend to exhibit independence, indifference toward intimacy, and a reluctance to depend on others. They often refrain from forming close relationships, preferring to maintain a distance and avoid intimacy. Their internal monologue often reflects a sense of self-sufficiency and self-love, as exemplified by the phrase "I don't need others to love me, I just need to love myself."

Individuals with a fearful attachment style experience internal conflicts and exhibit the following personality traits: they may express positive feelings towards a romantic interest, but when that interest is reciprocated, they may experience a decrease in positive affect and even develop negative feelings towards the other person. When entering into a romantic relationship, they often experience high levels of anxiety, fearing that their partner will leave them. However, when their partner attempts to form a close bond, they may respond with indifference or distance.

It is possible to ascertain which attachment type one belongs to. Which attachment type would you prefer to be?

2. You stated, "In the ambiguous stage, the other person will engage in behaviors that are clearly intended to elicit a jealous response from you in order to test your limits. However, you choose not to engage in any such response, and thus, you do nothing." I believe there is nothing inherently problematic with your actions, and they are, in fact, quite typical. Given that this behavior from the other person is not an authentic move but rather a test, you have the prerogative to ignore it and refrain from any action.

3. "For a multitude of analogous circumstances, I will subdue my sentiments and refrain from exhibiting them overtly. I am cognizant that such actions may cause distress to the other individual, yet I consistently refrain from taking action." This leads me to perceive that you are somewhat inclined to suppress your feelings and emotions. Is this an accurate assessment?

The long-term suppression of emotions and feelings has been linked to adverse effects on physical and mental health. It may, therefore, be beneficial to explore ways of expressing oneself in a more appropriate manner, thereby alleviating some of the associated pressure. This could potentially contribute to an improvement in one's overall well-being.

It is my hope that the aforementioned information has provided some degree of inspiration and that you may find happiness.

Hello, questioner.

From your description, it's clear that you're internally and externally inconsistent. You can detect other people's emotions in time but can't easily express your own feelings and emotions. You feel a little confused, but I understand how you feel.

When a family member is going to be away for a while, they will be reluctant to leave home. When they want to say goodbye to me, I will feel annoyed for no reason. I don't want to get sentimental, so I will just do my own thing normally.

You may think that saying goodbye is a sign of pretentiousness, but this will only make you seem cold. It will also make your family feel cold. When parting, family members will have feelings of reluctance and sadness, and you should be prepared for this.

When I'm in an ambiguous stage with the opposite sex, the other person wants to confirm whether I care about him. They'll do obvious things to make me jealous. When I detect this kind of small intention, I'm happy. I know he cares about what I think. I don't want to let him have his way, do nothing, and let him test me. I know my inaction will disappoint him, but I'm confident in my ability to handle it.

From this passage, I can see that you understand the other person's intentions, but you do the opposite, not wanting to let the other person have what they want. This kind of approach makes the other person think that you don't care about his feelings and thoughts, and it also makes him slowly distance himself from you, thinking that you don't like his actions. So even if we see through what the other person is trying to say, we still need to do what we want, rather than doing the opposite to irritate the other person.

This pattern is mainly caused by the fact that our family of origin has been too tolerant of us, allowing us to do whatever we want. We like to tease other people's feelings and emotions. I know this may cause you discomfort, so I ask for your forgiveness. Because we understand that others are tolerant of me, we think that no one will care about what I do. In fact, your behavior will only cause harm to others and make others hate you slowly. If you encounter someone with a strong sense of revenge, they will take retaliatory actions.

I suppress my feelings, appearing calm and not showing my true emotions. I know it will hurt the other person, but I do it anyway. I know exactly what the other person wants, but I always do nothing. I am distressed, wondering if I don't know how to cherish things. I want to do this, even if I will regret it afterwards. Does this make me feel free?

From this passage, it is clear that your true feelings are not aligned with your outward behavior, and I am aware of the impact of such behavior. However, you are unaware of the consequences. One day, when you realize that you have lost something important, you will understand the impact of your actions on your development. Many people with mental health problems suppress their emotions, avoid discussing them, and fail to release them. This eventually leads to emotional distress and illness.

Here's my solution:

[1] Speak your mind and be bold. Let it all out in a way that's reasonable.

We know that emotions need to be managed, seen, and expressed reasonably, including our own needs. Excessive suppression of our feelings and emotions hurts others and ourselves. Appropriate emotional expression shows that we are flesh and blood. Expressing our needs according to our own ideas is the only way to get what we want.

[2] Respecting others is respecting ourselves.

When faced with other people's thoughts about the behavior we want to do, we must respond to others. We must respect the other person's thoughts to give them dignity and self-respect. We must avoid the opposite approach and choose to confront, which will make the other person lose their dignity. We must give the other person respect, and we must give ourselves respect. If we cannot respect the other person, they will not respect us.

[3] Cultivate empathy and learn to care for others.

Being highly sensitive is a gift. But if you apply your sensitivity to the wrong things, the impact will not be good. We can be sensitive to the emotions of others, but we also need to show concern, listen and support, cultivate our empathy, and learn to see things from the other person's perspective. If you want to woo someone who cares about you, you need to do things differently to the other person. If you do the same as the other person and the person you like treats you the same way, you will be even more sad, upset, and even angry.

Finally, the emotional experience of a person is very important. Your feelings and emotions must be seen. You must learn to bravely express your true thoughts and not tease the feelings or ideas of others. This is the only way to develop good interpersonal relationships. You must correctly understand your emotional responses and learn to express yourself authentically. This is the only way to know the real you. Respecting others is also a reflection of respecting yourself.

I am confident that the above opinions will be helpful to you.

Hello. You are a person with a delicate heart, and you are on the path of self-awareness. Seeing is healing, and when you begin to self-reflect, it is a time of maturity, which is something to be celebrated. I see you trying to establish an intimate relationship with the world, and I admire your caution.

Next, we will examine the explanation provided by psychology.

[Avoidant attachment]

The emotional manifestations of avoidant attachment personality are as follows:

1. Fear of intimacy

Avoidant attachment types often emotionally reject intimate behaviors, which are mainly manifested as follows:

They dislike intimate physical contact with their partners. Activities such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing make them feel uneasy.

(2) They maintain a certain distance from others. They do not open up to others, and they do not say "I love you" to their partner.

2. False independence

Avoidant attachment types avoid intimacy, repress their need for it, and appear independent, saying they're not interested in love or feel like love is a restraint. They seem to have no emotional needs, but in fact, they reject intimacy and entering into an intimate relationship is very difficult for them.

3. Frequent breakups

Avoidant attachment types are always looking for intimacy, but they often break up and don't have a long-term partner. The typical representative is the "playboy," who always flirts and runs.

When an intimate relationship is about to be established, they end it in fear and avoid establishing intimacy in every way possible. They do this by saying things like "I'm not ready yet," not easily making promises, and not initiating contact.

The causes are as follows:

Avoidant attachment is closely related to emotional neglect suffered by parents in childhood.

They have no expectations for the arrival of their child and may even feel regret and disappointment. This type of mother will undoubtedly treat her child indifferently after the birth and ignore the child's emotional needs.

However, children are born with a need for love and care, and they need their mother's love and care. It is indisputable that a mother's indifference means that their desire and need for attachment cannot be satisfied.

The child is suffering inside, and over time, they will adopt an evasive approach, avoiding all intimate relationships and putting on an attitude of "I don't need it."

They don't cry or fuss a lot. They seem well-behaved, accept whatever others give them, don't ask for more, and don't care whether others care about them. They seem independent, but they're not. They're deceiving themselves, suppressing their own needs, afraid of establishing intimate relationships with others, and avoiding the pain that may bring.

Let's be clear: avoidant attachment is not good.

Everyone has their own unique childhood experiences, and there is no need to forcefully correct one's attachment type. Everyone's attachment type is related to their own past.

Avoidant attachment is a defense mechanism that involves avoiding intimacy and protecting oneself. If your attachment style does not significantly impact your life, there is no need to force a correction.

We can take action to mitigate the adverse effects of attachment styles on ourselves. Those with avoidant attachment can revisit their early experiences and re-examine the underlying reasons for them.

"My parents were indifferent to me because they hadn't yet learned how to love a child, not because I was bad."

"When I was born, my parents saw a little life being born for the first time. They hadn't yet learned how to express their love appropriately, so they weren't indifferent to me or disliking me."

Read the book The Neglected Child: How to Overcome the Trauma of Emotional Neglect. It details twelve types of parents who can cause emotional neglect and ways to achieve self-fulfillment. No one has a perfect childhood, and no one has perfect parents.

You must accept your own imperfections to grow. Love is the only way.

I am a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili. I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you. If you find it useful, please give it a like.

Hello!

You can read other people's emotions and needs, but you don't want to meet their needs. Let's work this out.

The question describes how the person avoids conflicts in intimate relationships. This is seen as a pleasant experience: freedom, not being controlled by others. Being able to read the emotions and needs of others without being influenced by them is rewarding.

This pattern may be due to weak parental love in the original family. No matter what you do, your parents will either accept you or reject you.

If you stay in this relationship for a long time, you may feel that others' needs and emotions are unimportant.

Your parents may have been too strict with you, so you ignored their emotions and needs.

Your family's patterns of intimacy will affect your relationships. If your family is strong, they can accept you. But other people may find it hard to accept you because you can make them feel dispensable.

If you don't feel like you belong, you'll leave or avoid it.

Here are some ways to cope:

(1) Change your perception.

A good relationship is one where both partners feel equal and respected.

You can only listen to each other if you are equal and respectful.

(2) Learn to express your feelings.

Paying attention to others' emotions and needs makes a big difference.

Tell your girlfriend what you want from her.

(3) Build a stronger connection.

Interaction deepens relationships. If only one person contributes, the relationship will fade.

Choose the way that suits you to strengthen your bond. Some people are good at expressing themselves, others at taking action, and some are good listeners.

For example, buy gifts for each other, pay attention to special days, or help with chores.

(4) Be more empathetic.

Think from the other person's perspective. If you wouldn't want it done to you, don't do it to others.

These suggestions are just a reference.

I hope they help. Best regards!