Emotionalization and blaming in close relationships, instinctively pointing fingers at others, what should one do?

Dear question asker, I am confident that I can provide you with satisfactory answers to your questions and solutions to your problems. It is my sincere hope that my responses will bring you a sense of optimism and warmth.

Indeed, the tendency to blame others is a direct consequence of the influence of an emotionally unstable mother during one's formative years. Despite being aware of the shortcomings of one's mother, the prolonged exposure to an environment shaped by such dynamics has led to a loss of perspective, rendering the situation seemingly normal. Unconsciously, the emotional issues of the mother have been internalized by the child.

Furthermore, an unknowing replication of the relationship pattern between the subject and their mother has occurred in the subject's current family relationships.

In conclusion, despite the presence of a family unit, the influence of the mother persists. The "child" within the individual has not undergone a genuine maturation process, and a genuine separation from the mother has not occurred.

However, as an adult, one has the option of either continuing the unhealthy relationship pattern with one's children or of taking action to stop the problem in time, isolate one's emotional problems, limit them to oneself and one's mother, and thus prevent the problem from being passed on to the next generation.

Furthermore, the capacity to flourish and establish a family in such circumstances demonstrates the enduring tenacity of one's vitality and the potential for growth. Achieving outcomes in this context requires a sustained investment of time and effort. To address the challenges effectively, digital communication alone is insufficient. Seeking the guidance of a qualified professional in a one-on-one setting is a valuable step.

It is my hope that this information will prove useful to you.

Hello! You have explained that you are prone to emotional outbursts and that the trigger for violent communication may come from the way your mother treated you when you were young.

"Perhaps my subconscious is telling me that I don't want to take responsibility for my actions." It's possible that you may lose control over trivial matters or unpleasant situations, or even things that go against your wishes. This is a conditioned response, and it's understandable to want to blame the other person for no reason.

The thought, "I can't even get something so simple right," may be influenced by your mother's actions and how they have shaped your brain to respond similarly to her in similar situations. While you may not agree with your mother's approach, it seems as if you have adopted a similar way of thinking. It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes, big or small, including yourself.

When you feel the need to blame someone, it might be helpful to give yourself a little time to think about whether there might be a better way to handle the situation. Blaming can often make both parties' emotions worse, so it's worth considering whether there might be a more constructive way to approach the situation.

It seems that you may still be struggling to forgive your mother for the impact she has had on you. You may feel as if it doesn't matter anymore. When you stop dwelling on it, you will also be letting yourself off the hook and allowing yourself to get along with your family with an accepting attitude.

It may be helpful to consider that receiving guidance can often be more effective than making accusations. It might also be beneficial to explore ways of managing your emotions and finding a release that suits you.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm here to help.

Thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your distress in order to get answers. It's so important to us that you get the help you need. We're here for you. From your brief introduction, I understand that you're struggling with emotionality and blaming in close relationships. It's totally normal to instinctively blame others, but we can work through this together. I'm going to give you a hug first, and then we'll explore this issue together.

1. Introduction

1⃣️, the original family

You say, "My mother was very dominant in my family of origin. During my childhood, her emotions were always unstable, and she would vent her emotions at me for trivial mistakes or things that didn't go her way at work."

Let's talk about blame-shifting.

When you think of your family of origin, you think of a strong-willed mother who shifts blame and is emotionally unstable, taking out her bad moods on you caused by work frustrations and minor mistakes.

We've all been there. Sometimes, our loved ones can be like an emotional trash can, taking out their frustrations on us. It's not easy to be in that position.

If your mother doesn't transfer her own bad emotions to you and makes you her emotional trash can, it can really take a toll on you. It's important to recognize that you deserve better.

2⃣️, new family

You said, "I now have my own family. In my interactions with my spouse and children, although I love them very much, I unconsciously get emotional and lose my temper over minor things and complain. Even when something unpleasant happens, I instinctively want to blame someone else and find fault."

Maybe my subtext is saying, "This is not my fault. How can I get out of this?"

Oh, nitpicking!

You're used to your mom's way of doing things, and it's become second nature to you. It's totally understandable! We all have our own unique ways of doing things, and your mom's emotionality, mood swings, and fussy ways are just part of who she is. It's okay to lose your temper over trivial matters sometimes. We all do!

It's so easy to blame others, isn't it?

You also tend to blame others, which is totally understandable. As you said, you believe deep down that other people's problems are their own and have nothing to do with you. You understand your own problems, but you don't know how to change.

2. Let's take a closer look at the root causes.

1⃣️, intergenerational transmission

Let's talk about how we can help each other by sharing what we've learned. Intergenerational transmission

The lovely thing about intergenerational transmission is that it encompasses so much more than just physical and mental characteristics. It also includes all those wonderful social traits, behaviours and ways of doing things that parents pass on to their children.

Here are the results!

We not only inherit our mother's way of thinking and acting, but also her emotionality. It's so true that the way of life in the original family has a big impact on us!

2⃣️, Personality Reasons

From what you've told me, it seems like you have a pretty straightforward personality and don't tend to beat around the bush. It's possible that you might be an accusatory and radical personality type.

Let's talk about the blaming type.

Blame-shifters often ignore others, are used to attacking and criticizing, and put the blame on others. They might say things like, "It's all your fault," or "What's wrong with you?"

It's so common for blaming types to fail alone, but they often isolate themselves from others to maintain their authority. This can lead to them complaining and blaming others when they have a conflict with their family. It's so important to remember that we all have the power to look for the reason in ourselves when we have a conflict with our family.

Let's talk about radical personalities.

Let's talk about some more personality traits! These are some of the traits that you might have if you have a radical personality.

You're a strong-willed, action-oriented, energetic, and achievement-oriented person!

You're so courageous and decisive, persevering, unafraid of difficulties, and highly self-disciplined!

We all have our moments! You can be a bit short-tempered, lack empathy, be stubborn, arrogant, and complacent.

3⃣️, defense mechanism

Let's talk about psychological defense mechanisms.

Psychological defense mechanisms are a great way to relieve worries and reduce inner anxiety when you're facing frustrating or conflict-ridden situations. It's like your mind's way of restoring psychological balance and stability. It's a totally subconscious self-defense function, so you don't even have to think about it!

Self-defense is a natural thing to do. It's how we all protect ourselves from harm.

People subconsciously sense the impulses coming from the id, and will experience a certain amount of anxiety in the expected way. This is totally normal! We all do it. We just need to learn to recognize it and then we can start to work on ways to cope with it. For example, you point the finger of blame at others, which is an active defense mechanism against passive aggression. This was developed after your mother attacked you.

3. What to do

1. Accept

And accept, my dear.

Acceptance is a really important concept in psychology. It's usually defined as "unconditionally accepting and valuing one's ability to face life's realities, as well as those of others."

You are worthy of love and acceptance.

We start by accepting ourselves, which means embracing our strengths and weaknesses and learning from our mistakes.

Acceptance is a wonderful emotional attitude that helps us to be more open, tolerant, understanding, and accepting of ourselves and others. It's a great way to avoid denying, being jealous, or rejecting others.

2⃣️, Emotion Management

It's so important to learn how to manage your emotions well. This will help you in all your relationships, from family to intimate and even to your friends. Emotion management is:

It's so important to recognize your emotions!

This is the first step in emotion management. It's so important to recognize what emotion you're feeling, whether it's anxiety, anger, sadness, or something else.

It's okay to accept the emotion.

Healthy emotions are in tune with the situation. When your feelings match what's going on around you, you'll know it's time to say, "My current feelings are totally normal." This is accepting your emotions.

This way of thinking is a great way to reduce emotional tension and naturally restore calm within.

It's so important to express our emotions!

When we express our emotions, we're really just letting our inner selves shine through. It's all about sharing our feelings with ourselves first, and then with others. We often use "I" and "my feelings" when we express ourselves, and that's perfectly okay!

Cultivating emotions

And there are so many ways to cultivate and practice emotion management!

1) And, you know, living a regular life will also help to keep your emotions nice and stable!

2) Find something you love to do and let your positive emotions carry you through it. Love yourself and love life! There's so much beauty in this world, let it in!

3) Look after others and care for them. Let love dwell in your heart. Helping others is the greatest joy, and helping people to help themselves is so important too!

4) There's nothing like getting in touch with nature to open your heart and soothe your emotions.

5) Surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones who bring you joy and stability is a great way to keep your emotions in check!

If we notice our feelings, accept them, and share them when we need to, we won't let them build up and hurt others.

3⃣️, distinguish between people and things

It's so important to focus on the issue, not the person.

When we focus on the issue at hand, rather than getting caught up in the drama of the person, we can make sure we're making progress in a way that benefits everyone. It's also important to remember to take care of ourselves and not let the other person's actions affect us negatively.

It's so important to distinguish between people and things.

When chatting with your family, it's important to remember to distinguish between sharing your thoughts about people and discussing things. If you have an opinion about something, it's always great to talk about it together and see if you can find a solution!

If you have a problem with someone, you can exchange opinions with them through effective communication and express your own views. Just remember, personal attacks are out of bounds.

Questioner, if we can accept ourselves, manage our emotions, and distinguish between people and things, we can stop blaming and attacking others. Believe in yourself, and you will change for the better!

And finally, I just want to wish the original poster all the very best for a happy life!

Happy New Year!

I'm Kelly Shui.

[Emotionality and blaming in close relationships]

After reading the original poster's text, I feel that you understand yourself and know that your emotions are influenced by your mother.

Let's analyze it together.

[About emotions]

We are all connected to our families from the start. Our parents teach us.

The mother was strong in her original family. We can also explore how her early family influenced her. Guess if her grandparents were strong or unable to control their emotions.

She was also influenced when she was a child.

In family therapy, interaction is key.

We are all connected. Emotions affect the whole family.

If your mother is emotionally unstable and you are influenced by this, then you are continuing her early life in the family.

You may have noticed differences between you and your mother. She didn't understand psychology or how her emotions affected you.

If we now find that we have some emotions, this is also an opportunity for awakening. We first accept what happened and what cannot be changed, and then slowly become aware of it. Through learning and self-growth, we can break through such generational cycles.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. Even anger has a meaning. Through learning, we can calm down and understand the reasons behind the anger.

[About awareness]

Your mother may vent her emotions on you because of a minor mistake or something at work.

How did you feel?

Did you feel afraid? Did you feel bad that you made your mother angry?

Or did you feel angry? These emotions can be seen and felt. The past self was not easy, and endured a lot. So these emotions have always been there, running out in life.

We can talk to a counselor, see that child, or grow through self-development. We can learn psychology, hug ourselves, feel sorry for that child, and think about how we would help her today.

If we accept our emotions, stop judging ourselves, and love ourselves, we will accept others too.

[Interaction is key]

You are perceptive and thoughtful. Now that you have a family, you love your spouse and children, but you also get emotional and lose your temper over minor things.

This pattern is passed down from generation to generation. Our mothers treated us this way, and we have not yet learned to accept ourselves and change.

You can apologize to your family after an outburst and tell them how you feel. We blame others when bad things happen.

We can think about whether our mothers apologized in the past.

Maybe the little child thought it wasn't her fault.

This way, we can avoid blame.

We can deal with our emotions by understanding them. When we explore ourselves and accept our emotions, our family members will feel our love.

We are all ordinary people. It's normal to have emotions. Being aware of them is the first step to changing yourself.

Many people are unaware of their emotions. This can be scary. But it's not.

Keep a diary of your emotions, practice mindfulness, and let time pass. Slow is better than fast.

Don't push or judge yourself. Love yourself.

Recommended books: "The Power of Self-Care," "Fearless Anxiety," "The Mind Hurts, the Body Knows."

Dear Sir/Madam, It is akin to meeting a friend in person when reading their words.

After carefully reviewing your description, I understand your confusion. Your mother's emotional instability during your childhood, coupled with the expectation to passively accept her emotions due to minor mistakes or work-related frustrations, has negatively impacted your relationship with your current family. You are seeking guidance on how to break free from the patterns influenced by your original family.

Let us proceed with a discussion of this matter.

Firstly, I would like to commend you for taking the initiative to seek assistance, which is a significant step forward. This decision has also prompted me to consider some additional avenues for exploration.

1. What factors influence your mother's decision to confide in you emotionally when she requires support?

2. What are your mother's objectives in venting to you?

3. What factors influence your decision to vent the emotions you received from your mother to your family?

The aforementioned points are intended to illustrate a psychological need inherent to this process, which can be described as a desire for being taken care of. As previously mentioned in the initial analysis, the individual in question "passively becomes the container that takes in their mother's emotions." Similarly, when emotions arise, the individual also hopes that there will be a receptacle to accommodate them.

(Therefore, the underlying message behind the act of "venting" is: "Please, I also hope that someone can take care of my situation.")

Secondly, you stated that you sometimes blame others when something unpleasant occurs. This demonstrates courage in acknowledging your tendency to assign blame.

It is likely that you have experienced this pattern before. It is a repetition of the way your mother expressed her frustration when she was emotionally unstable.

However, there is another factor at play that is not immediately apparent. This is a sense of powerlessness, which you have picked up from your mother but have not fully resolved. It has left a scar that causes you pain when triggered. When this happens, you will unconsciously repeat the pattern that your mother used when she was emotional.

How, then, can you extricate yourself from this situation? In the field of psychology, there is a concept known as "issue separation."

It is important to recognize that regardless of how your mother treated you in the past, it is no longer a current issue. It is a matter that belongs to your mother and her responsibility to address.

To be frank, your mother's past treatment of you was at her discretion; your response to that treatment is your prerogative.

It is also important to consider the distinction between different family systems. Given that you have already formed a family unit with your loved one and children, it would be more beneficial to focus on the management of your family relationships and allow the parents' generation to address their own issues.

It should be noted that there is no definitive right or wrong in this matter. It is sufficient to simply "each be at peace." You are already on the path to resolution, but it may require some patience and time.

From beginning to end, our objective is to remain true to ourselves. I hope the above responses and sharing can provide some inspiration to move beyond the two modes of [emotional] and [blame].

Please take care of yourself and your family.

Hello, I'm grateful for the opportunity to address your question. I hope that some of my suggestions might be helpful to you.

It is beneficial to be able to recognize your own state and make conscious efforts to adjust it when needed.

It is also not uncommon for us to express some unreasonable emotions or behave in a certain way in an intimate relationship.

I often use the example of taking out the trash with my parents because they always bring it up.

For instance, if we are sharing a flat, we may not feel inclined to argue with our flatmate if they do not take out the rubbish. However, if we are married, and our partner or children do not take out the rubbish, or if the rubbish is right by the door and they walk past it without taking it out, or if we have asked them to take out the rubbish when they go out, but they do not,

It is not uncommon for couples to experience a range of emotions and reactions when faced with similar situations. While it is possible to tolerate certain behaviors for a limited number of times, repeated instances may eventually lead to feelings of frustration and anger. It is important to recognize that these feelings are normal and can be a natural part of any intimate relationship.

On the surface, including when we review the situation ourselves, we may feel that we are unable to control our emotions over such a seemingly trivial matter as taking out the trash.

It is, in fact, quite normal to have conflicts under the same roof.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that expectations and responsibilities in an intimate relationship may differ from those in other forms of relationships.

For instance, in the context of roommates, we are essentially strangers. Even in relationships such as classmates, friends, and colleagues, we may not have the same level of intimacy. As a result, we may have different standards for them. If they do not complete ten things, the worst that can happen is that we do it ourselves, because it is not a responsibility or obligation that they need to take on.

However, when it comes to intimate relationships, such as those between a husband and wife or between a parent and a child, we may feel that this is his responsibility. As a husband, he also has a role to play in taking care of the family, and as a child, he also has a part to fulfil. When these responsibilities and obligations that they are supposed to take on are not fulfilled, we may feel frustrated. This is a natural emotion that people may experience.

I believe there are two possible avenues for us to explore.

One challenge we may face is addressing our own emotional issues.

If we do have unreasonable behaviors, such as extreme temper tantrums, they may affect our spousal and parent-child relationships, which could potentially lead to challenges in family harmony. It might be helpful to learn some methods of regulating emotions and consider seeking the support of a professional counselor to help with this.

The second step is to consider establishing some reasonable family rules.

It seems that the nature of every argument we have is similar: taking out the trash, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, putting away the laundry. Could it be that the root of these problems lies in the division of household chores?

With children, issues may arise regarding assistance with homework or tidying up toys. The underlying concern is that they should have the opportunity to complete their schoolwork independently.

It might be helpful to carry out similar analyses, find the essence and root cause of the problem, hold some simple family meetings, or even husband-and-wife meetings, discuss behind closed doors, and formulate a division of tasks and lifestyle that suits our family situation. It could be beneficial to work together to adapt to each other and find a balance in your relationship, so that this home becomes better and better.

I hope that through self-reflection, continuous communication, and adjustment with your partner, you can find a way of getting along that suits your family's model and will not affect your relationship as a couple or your relationship with your children.

I would like to extend my love and appreciation to the world and to you!

Hi, I'm Coach Yu, and I'd like to talk about this topic with you.

First, let's talk about how generations and inheritance work.

Our words, actions, and behaviors often reflect the influence of our original family. For instance, if a child and parent have similar emotions, if a child and parent have the same occupation, or if a child and parent share the same beliefs, etc.

In families, certain traits that can be passed down, such as certain ideas, are most common.

As the original poster wrote, my mother was very strong-willed, and her emotions were always unstable during my childhood. Now that I have my own family, I can also be emotional.

We can ask ourselves what we thought when our mothers were angry with us for the smallest mistake. What emotions and feelings did that bring out in us?

We can also ask ourselves what our mother is trying to achieve by always taking out her emotions on us. Do we take the initiative to communicate with her?

Let's talk about emotions.

Emotions are made up of unique experiences, external signs, and physical responses. Each emotion might be the result of an unmet internal need. When we miss out on a promotion or a pay raise, we feel sad. When we lose a cherished possession we've had for years, we feel angry.

As the original poster said, when we're with our loved ones, we might let our emotions get the better of us and lose our temper, complain, or even blame others for unpleasant events and insist on assigning blame.

We can ask ourselves, what is it that I really want? What is it that I'm really trying to achieve? And then, what is it that I'm really afraid of? What is it that I'm really trying to avoid? And then, what is it that I'm really blaming others for? What is it that I'm really insisting on blaming?

"It's not my fault." What are you trying to achieve?

We can also ask ourselves after we've lost our cool and complained, has the problem been fixed?

All emotions are neither good nor bad in themselves. When we become aware of our emotions, we can ask ourselves, "What am I worried about? What does it remind me of?"

When we start to accept our emotions and let them flow, we're less likely to distort our behavior due to emotional suppression. We can also try recording what our feelings are at the moment.

Your writing is just for you, so feel free to be honest about your feelings. This will help us understand where emotions come from and what causes them. It will also help us figure out the root of the problem.

There's no need to get caught up in right and wrong in many situations, especially in the context of family relationships. Family is a place where love is expressed, not a place for reasoning. Sometimes accepting our true selves and also accepting our children and husbands for who they really are can make us feel suddenly enlightened.

Finally, let's talk about loving yourself. The thoughts and emotions of the original poster will obviously have an impact on your life, but we've been able to recognize our emotions and have very clear values. So let's start by caring for ourselves, taking care of our bodies and our feelings.

We can have an honest conversation with our mothers, listen to them tell stories about their childhood, and also listen to their experiences of raising us. We can start by being a quiet listener. This will help us release pent-up emotions, get to know our mothers and ourselves better, and enhance our parent-child relationship.

If this is an issue for you, it's worth seeking help. It can be tough to overcome these things on your own. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, because emotions must be released to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

It's also important to relax. On weekends, you can go out with your loved ones and children to listen to the frogs croaking in the rice fields, smell the birds chirping and flowers blooming, and stay happy. At the same time, you can enrich yourself internally and fill yourself up through reading and sports, etc., because life is a cycle. You will tie it and untie it.

I'd also suggest reading "Nonviolent Communication."

Your experiences and problems are totally normal! Many people have gone through similar things in their families. The experiences of one's family of origin deeply influence one's adult behavior patterns and emotional reactions, especially in intimate relationships. Here are some suggestions to help you break out of these patterns and establish healthier intimate relationships:

1. Self-awareness

The first step towards changing your behavior is increasing your self-awareness! When you notice that you are being emotional or blaming others, take a moment to ask yourself, "Why am I reacting this way?"

"What are my real needs?" This kind of self-reflection is a great way to gain insight into your own patterns of behavior and the motives behind them.

2. Learn some awesome new coping strategies!

When you're feeling emotional, try these awesome ways to release your emotions! Take deep breaths, go for a walk, keep a diary, or talk to a friend. These strategies will help you calm down before reacting.

3. Change the way you communicate!

It's time to start expressing your feelings in a new way! Try using "I" language instead of accusing the other person. For example, you can say, "I feel disappointed because..." instead of saying, "You always let me down."

This will help you communicate more effectively and reduce the other person's defensiveness!

4. Get the help you need from a professional!

Seeking help from a counselor is a great idea! Psychotherapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and emotional focused therapy (EFT), can help you identify and change unhealthy patterns of behavior and emotional responses that stem from your family of origin.

5. Build your emotional self-regulation skills!

You can absolutely improve your ability to regulate your emotions! Try practices such as mindfulness meditation and emotional regulation techniques. This will help you better manage your emotions when you encounter stress or conflict.

6. Family therapy

If your partner and children are also affected by this pattern of behavior, family therapy is a great option! Family therapy can help the whole family learn healthier ways of communicating and getting along with each other, and improve family relationships.

7. Forgive yourself and others!

It's time to recognize that everyone has imperfections, including your parents and yourself. And it's time to learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes and past, and accept and release those negative emotions. Because when you do, you'll be on your way to moving forward in a healthier way!

You can do this! It will take time and patience, but with consistent effort and practice, you can build healthier relationships and create a more positive and supportive environment for yourself and your family.