Every thought of family brings sadness and contradiction; how can I change?

Hello, dear!

From the whole description, I'm guessing the original poster is a girl? She was probably born into such a patriarchal family, right?

Then I saw your amazing growth experience and some of the ways your family gets along, and I felt inspired! I've been hurt for a long time, and I've also had a hard time. My current situation is not very good either. I don't have the affection I want, I don't have friends, I don't like myself very much, and it seems like I have nothing. But I'm ready to change that! I'm excited to find new ways to connect with others, to build a stronger support system, and to start living with more purpose and joy.

Thinking about their family makes them feel a whole range of emotions, from sadness and disappointment to desperation and guilt. They feel that they could have been more affectionate and understanding towards their parents, and they condemn themselves for being unfilial, but they cannot do anything about it. They feel an intimate connection to their parents, but they feel that they are not seen or loved in the family, and all of their parents' attention is on their younger brother. So when they face their family, they may feel full of contradictions and conflicts, not knowing how to deal with them, and this emotion also consumes them.

Similarly, the lack of direction in their relationships with their parents and family members has also caused great distress in their interpersonal relationships. It is as if they do not know how to develop relationships and connections with others, and they are not nourished by good relationships around them and do not have any friends. But here's the good news! There's a way to change all of that.

Absolutely! You have a great sense of awareness and realize that your current situation, your own original family, and the parenting style and upbringing of your parents play a big part in it. But it's also related to personal character factors and personal efforts, which you can totally influence!

If we say that everyone's original family is a starting point, then it's up to us to decide where we want to go and how far we want to go to get there!

If we say that our starting point is relatively low, it simply means that we may have fewer resources than others. Some stages of life may be very hard, very difficult, very frustrating, very aggrieved, etc., but this does not determine that we cannot become a very good person!

Like many successful people, many of them have their own harmonious families, their own lovely children, their own careers that they can devote their love to, and their own friends. They are just some of the people who are very good and happy and self-sufficient in their lives. A large part of them also had very unfortunate childhoods. But they overcame these challenges and went on to achieve great things! Some may have been deprived by their parents during their own childhood, some were fostered, left behind, some were single parents, and some had more or less problems in their own original families. They also had very entangled, difficult, and exhausting moments and stages, but none of them prevented them from walking out on their own path and becoming the amazing people they are today!

And you know what? All suffering and unfairness have positive value that can be given back to us! For example, if we are rarely cared for, then we will learn to be independent and responsible for ourselves early. If we have very few resources and are poor in the early days, we will work hard to improve ourselves early. And some setbacks we encounter and some emotional entanglements between loved ones can make us more empathetic and more sensitive to emotional feelings. It's like when God closes a door for you, he will always open a window for you!

First, try to accept your most genuine feelings. No matter what your feelings are, first see them as your thoughts and needs, and allow them to exist. For example, right now, what are your emotions towards your family, and what are your feelings towards your parents? Give yourself a good chance to see and accept them. Don't rush to judge yourself from an external perspective, or tell yourself what you should or shouldn't do.

And what shouldn't be the case? These are all things that are on the surface of the mind and are not connected to our feelings.

Now is the time to respect your true feelings and emotions, as well as the hidden parts of our feelings and emotions!

Once you connect with your truest self, you'll be brimming with energy! You'll also be able to see your future direction more clearly. You might even decide to reconcile with your own family of origin!

Embrace your own path and discover the endless possibilities that await you!

Hello! I really want to give you a warm hug. My gut feeling is that you're the older sister in your family.

After reading your request, I can see that you have conflicting feelings. On the one hand, you are unhappy that your parents only spoil your younger brother and you feel lonely and unsupported, which makes you distance yourself from the family. On the other hand, I have a vague feeling that you envy your brother and your parents for being so happy together and you also long for this kind of family relationship. Because of this, you feel self-blame and think that you are inconsiderate and do not take the initiative to care about your parents. This conflicting state of mind makes you even a little hate yourself.

I really feel for you as a sensible but troubled child.

I can see how tough it is for you to grow up in this family environment, but I also see some of your great qualities in it. These might help you figure out what's going on and see if you can make a change:

You're really self-aware, which helps you understand the different needs of each family member and how to navigate the family dynamic. Your tendency to distance yourself from your parents is probably a defense mechanism, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm guessing you've probably already started living and working independently and have your own money, right? You might as well relax your various demands on yourself so that you can face life and work with a calm heart.

The original family is something we can never choose. Every child has a mission when they are born into the world. The reason why your parents love your younger brother more is probably because they were influenced by their original family and traditional values, without even realizing it. Thinking about it this way, you've already realized how lucky you are that your family environment is so important to your personal growth. At least, starting with you, your future family may change because of this, and your children may be able to get a better environment in which to grow up.

You also said you're not sure about your father's attitude, but your mom told you she feels guilty, which shows she's thinking about it. It's harder to change how people think than how they act. It's tough for your mom to talk about this.

Finally, I want to say that you don't have to be too concerned with how you get along with your parents. You can relax and give yourself the freedom to do as you please. From time to time, you might as well try communicating with your parents in a different way, and it might lead to unexpected results.

It can be tough for parents to change, but there will be plenty of other changes in your life down the road. Focus on the present, give your life some value and energy, and you'll become a very powerful person.

If you're in a family where you're treated like an outsider, you've likely experienced a lot of pain. There's a lot of instability in your heart. You're dealing with the various unspeakable pasts that your family has brought upon you, and there are many things you can't figure out.

It's important to remember that your family situation is not your fault. It's not easy being born into a family that is so negative and overwhelming. It's hard to feel confident when you don't receive the affirmation of others.

It might also be worth thinking about whether your family has caused you a lot of trauma over time, for example, physical and emotional violence. You feel that you are not as important as your younger brother and that you are very superfluous in this family.

Even though Mom feels guilty, her indifference doesn't let her off the hook. While the apparent harmony can make people forget some past traumas, in the long run, you may still be tormented by them and constantly irritated.

Your current thoughts are a collection of negative views, as if you must linger in the shadow of your parents. But everyone has their own way of life, and there are ways to break through. I suggest you take the psychological test for wounds from the original family to understand what kind of impact the past has had on you.

They've shaped your character, but it is still possible to change it. I suggest reading some books about the original family and self-growth to give yourself more room for breakthrough. Some good books in this area are "Who Doesn't Grow Up With Wounds," "The Family on the Hot Pot," "The Evolution of the Original Family," "Born to Be Different: How Family Affects Our Lives," and "Liberate Parents, Liberate Children." These books can help you break through the trauma of the past. I also recommend seeking psychological counseling. Best wishes.

ZQ?