Fear of being around people, especially fear of seeing girls, especially seeing thighs?

I'm here for you, friend. Let's give each other a hug. I understand how you feel.

From what you've told me, it seems that seeing a girl's thighs has become something of an emotional trigger for you. It can bring up a lot of different feelings, like guilt, fear, and unease.

It seems that your fear of girls only started in the second year of high school. So, take a moment to think back carefully. What happened in the second year of high school that made you accidentally offend that heavyweight classmate?

I'd love to know more about the scene! Was it summer, fall, winter, or spring?

I'm just wondering if there were any girls or women around with their thighs showing?

On top of that, the story says that a classmate once talked to the girl you had a crush on. You always felt like he was looking at you in the corner of his eye, which made you feel really uncomfortable.

Here, it mentions "others looking at you from the corner of their eyes" for the second time. It's clear that at that time, you were feeling really uneasy inside, and it seemed like everyone was a threat to you.

Take a moment to think back to those feelings you had after being intimidated by that heavyweight classmate, the feelings you got from that classmate who seemed to be looking at you from the corner of her eye, and the feelings you get when you see a girl with her thighs exposed. Do you think there are any similarities between these three sets of feelings?

Also, think back to your original family. Did a woman with exposed thighs in your family ever give you a bad emotional experience? It's okay if you don't remember. Just imagine, if you'd like, whether the negative emotional experience brought to you by the sophomore student is the same as the bad emotional experience brought to you by a woman in your family.

We all have a younger self who is a wounded child inside.

I really think you'd benefit from reading "Reconciliation with Oneself" by Yixing Chan. It's a great book!

I truly believe that the future is bright, and I truly hope that you meet a better version of yourself very soon.

Give the nervous, anxious, and conflicted you a bit of TLC.

From what you've said, it seems like your insecurity, lack of confidence, and loneliness might have started when you were bullied or scared in your second year of high school. It's normal for a teenage boy to want a carefree social life and to interact with the opposite sex.

The things that happened to you in your second year of high school have, without you realizing it, placed restrictions and constraints on you, which then led to the situation getting worse and worse.

Second, I'd like to address your views and thoughts on girls. It's because you're lonely and repress yourself that social interactions between men and women can't proceed normally. This suppresses both physical and mental needs, which will become more and more serious and can't be released.

It's normal for college students to have thoughts about the opposite sex when it comes to relationships. If you see a girl in the summer, appreciate her, don't avoid her or have inappropriate thoughts. We all love beautiful women, and that's normal.

Third, to sum up, now that you're a university student, you need to gradually normalize your social life in your studies and work. Don't be afraid of being threatened or disliked. Have enough confidence and understanding of yourself, know what you like, integrate into some circles and socialize, and slowly recover your social life.

Just be yourself, be outgoing, and be confident. Things will get better over time.

For instance, sports and talking to friends are both great ways to deal with stress.

All right, then. Public Zonghao: A young man who's a bit full of himself (ID: qingnianJIA2020), looking forward to staying in touch.

Yi Xinli Answering Questions Hall Mutual Aid Community, World, and I Love You >> https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Hello! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us and telling us your problems.

1. Psychological

1. Social anxiety

You said, "I'm in college, and I'm afraid of contact with others. I care about what others think of me, and I'm afraid to sit with others, especially girls."

"I made friends with my roommate at university, but we later split up. Now I live alone."

You're afraid of contact, especially with women.

From your description, it seems you've experienced trauma and have post-traumatic stress disorder. (Initially, we thought your sexual education issues were the cause, but we're not sure.)

You're at university and you made friends with your roommate, but you later separated and now you're living alone. This can indicate social problems.

2. Narcissism

I still think the girl next to me is interested in me. I'm afraid of meeting girls on my way to class or when I go out. If there's a girl on a path, I'll walk to another path. It's summer, and I'm even more afraid when girls wear shorts.

and you long for it

You fantasize about the girl sitting next to you and think other people are interested in you. This may be a reaction to post-traumatic stress.

You are afraid of girls and think they are sexual. This may be related to being bullied by a school bully.

Wrong association

You are afraid of contacting women. This is probably because of some guilty associations related to sex. This should be an incorrect association caused by incorrect family sex education.

You are afraid of meeting girls. You think they are interested in you. You fantasize about the girl sitting next to you. You think other people are interested in you. This may be a reaction to post-traumatic stress. You are afraid to see girls in shorts or their thighs. You think this may make you think sexually and feel guilty. You are afraid of contacting women. You think there are some guilty associations. This should be an incorrect association. It is caused by incorrect family sex education.

3. Change

A bully

Before your second year of high school, you were doing well and made friends during military training. After the class was divided, you got into trouble with a bully. You were naive and didn't know how to handle it, so you didn't apologize. The bully threatened to beat you up, which scared you. You were so scared that you slept in class and didn't dare to look him in the eye.

Trauma begins.

You've been bullied again. You have no friends and feel insecure. This is probably why you're afraid to approach other people.

Personality:

You are an introverted, unsociable, slow-to-warm-up boy. You are timid and afraid of things.

You are more melancholy and easily affected by unexpected events. You may be a melancholic personality.

Melancholic personalities have:

Thoughtful, sensitive, idealistic, and pursue truth and beauty.

Strengths: perceptive, loyal, talented, insightful

Weaknesses: obsessive, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, passive

He is introverted, has trouble with relationships, and has social anxiety. He also has some delusions.

2. Analysis

1. Causes of social phobia

Avoid harm.

Your social phobia comes from your personality and the lack of guidance from your family. You avoid social situations to escape the conflicts and harm you cause yourself.

Lack of puberty education

You say you've had a crush on a girl every year since sixth grade. You were 11 or 12.

At this time, you should start paying attention to the development stage of same-sex relationships, which is also the stage of puberty.

Testosterone is a male hormone related to reproduction and energy. It can promote the competitive and enterprising spirit of boys. You should be presented as lively and energetic, with a greater desire for adventure and challenges. You also need tolerance and acceptance from your parents.

You probably didn't get enough love and attention from your parents. You had few same-sex friends and focused on women.

Correction: Self-centered

Before age 6, kids are self-centered and don't care what others think. Parents should teach kids that sex is private and that they need to consider others' feelings.

Your parents didn't know how to talk to you about sex.

Body changes

Boys and girls grow pubic hair, voices change, armpit hair appears, breasts firm up, and periods start. You've seen these changes and are interested in them, but haven't received proper sex education.

You feel ashamed.

Life education

If parents and teachers could have taught you about life, they could have told you about its origin and how to love yourself and others.

You know how to handle the relationship between life and sex. You also don't think your thoughts are wrong.

You haven't received a good education, but you're exploring sexuality on your own, forming wrong perceptions.

Privacy and judgment

You think you've developed an interest in the opposite sex because of your own observations. You know about your own private parts and the private parts of the opposite sex. When you see the thighs of the opposite sex, you think of private parts.

Your gaze betrays your thoughts, so you don't look girls in the eye. Others may think the wrong thing, so you're attacked.

Adolescence

The period from 12 to 18 years of age is when you develop as a person and your body changes. You start to think about having a partner and relationships.

You have become an adult who can love the opposite sex.

Early love

Your body is ready to reproduce. "Early love" is about getting the approval of others. It's normal to have a crush.

Masturbation and onanism

Hormones can cause you to masturbate and feel sexual pleasure. You can learn to control your arousal. If your spiritual life is lacking, life is too stressful, you are tense, or you lack friends, you may masturbate or engage in other sexual behaviors.

You may think about the private parts of the opposite sex when you masturbate. You feel pleasure and shame at the same time.

Fear of contact with the opposite sex.

After going to university, you associate physical sensations with women, causing you to panic. You dare not look women in the eye because sex comes to mind, preventing you from thinking about anything else.

2. Sexual associations

I'm not afraid of little girls or old people. I feel uncomfortable around slightly younger women, and I'm afraid of their female sexual characteristics such as thighs. What is the purpose of this fear? Showing breasts and stomachs may also be the case. I usually don't come into contact with them much, and sometimes I feel that if I'm handsome enough, I can just walk past them confidently. But in reality, I'm not that handsome.

You ask, you have no fear of little girls and passers-by, and you feel uncomfortable with slightly younger girls. It is because you lack puberty education. Whenever you encounter young women, you will unconsciously associate them with sex.

This idea makes you feel shy and uncomfortable. You are afraid of meeting young women because you think it is immoral.

Your thoughts have nothing to do with your appearance. They have to do with your sexuality.

3. What to do

I wrote out my thoughts to understand why I fear my thighs and find ways to improve.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think your fear of thighs may be due to a lack of sex education. To address your sexual deficiency and social phobia, I suggest

1. Accept yourself.

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

It's not your fault you don't know much about sex and love. This is because of your upbringing. You don't need to feel bad about it. You can understand why you're confused and accept it.

Accept your sexual deficiencies.

Accept your lack of knowledge about sex so you can learn more and feel less anxious.

and make up for this lesson.

Learn about sex through videos, classes, and reading. This will help you face your body, sexual desire, and contact with the opposite sex. It will also help you relax and engage in normal interactions.

2. Understand sex.

Knowing what sex is can help you not be afraid of it and protect yourself.

Sex

Sex is normal. There's no need to be embarrassed about it.

Sex is physical contact between people. Love is the soul of sex. Sex is the reconciler of love, the prerequisite for sex, and the sublimation of love.

Today, sex is not a sensitive topic. We can discuss it openly. This helps us understand what sex is and how to behave.

The benefits of sex

Sex can improve communication and intimacy. If you feel like you don't have enough intimacy or are worried that you are no longer attractive, try other ways to improve communication and intimacy.

Hugs, kisses, and intimate gestures can improve relationships.

3. Building good relationships

As Adler said, "All troubles are in relationships." Your problems are caused by poor relationships.

How do you handle relationships?

Be confident.

You can't build self-confidence and self-esteem in your relationships with others or with yourself. You avoid conflict because you feel unworthy of a normal relationship.

You feel inferior and worthless.

Instead, you build self-confidence and self-esteem, communicate effectively, express your views and attitudes, and respect others. In a relationship, others will see your attitude and will not bully you. They will communicate with you normally.

Effective communication

Effective communication is key to building a good relationship. There are four steps to effective communication:

Step 1: Express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Express what you want, not what you don't want.

Step 3: Express your needs, not your complaints.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not where you don't. Look at the end result.

Say no and set boundaries.

You're afraid to express your views because you're afraid of offending people or pleasing others. You feel aggrieved and cannot achieve your desired goals.

To have good relationships, you have to learn to say no and share your views. You also have to let others know your limits.

Knowing the right amount of interaction helps us establish good order and relationships.

Hello, question asker!

I've got some more answers for you! I really hope they'll be just the thing to inspire you.

1. "I'm especially afraid of meeting girls and looking at their thighs." This is our own choice, and it's a great one!

I'm thrilled to see that you know about teleology from your comments to other respondents!

This brings to mind a classic case.

A girl suffering from blushing phobia is a real thing, but the great news is that it is still the girl's own choice!

This means she has the power to avoid confessing to the boy she likes because she blushes, and she can indulge in fantasies instead!

That is!

If I didn't have a fear of rejection, I could absolutely love and confess my feelings to the boy I like!

The fact that you are afraid of meeting girls and seeing their thighs is something you can change! It's your choice.

This is a great way to avoid spending time with girls and not get into a relationship!

"It is not past experiences that determine our current situation, but the meaning we give them."

Knowing that it is our choice gives us the initiative—and that is something to get excited about!

2. Sort out your interactions with others and watch the magic happen!

2. Sort out your interactions with others and watch the magic happen!

"Relationships are the source of all our troubles, but they are also the source of our happiness!"

The topic of making friends is something we get to experience together!

If you had some difficulties or setbacks in your relationships with your classmates during your formative years, it had a significant impact on us. But you've made great progress!

You've made great progress! It's so great that you can go to university and socialize normally.

We can actually give meaning to our dark past!

Absolutely everyone has had bad experiences or embarrassing moments! But here's the amazing thing: when we can look at them more rationally, everything changes.

That would be proof that we have come through adversity and made it through our own personal hero's journey!

Just imagine someone who has always had it easy, who has never had an experience like yours!

You think you have absolutely no self-confidence in front of girls, but that's just our perception!

You are the only one who can determine your own value, and you can do it!

I really hope that one day you can say with a laugh: I used to be afraid of meeting girls!

Mr. Li Songwei said something really interesting. He used to be severely socially anxious, unwilling to deal with people, and often the one avoiding crowds.

However, this severe social phobia did not stop him from becoming a counselor! He went on to become a particularly well-liked and respected counselor and supervisor.

He said that because it was a one-on-one relationship, it would make him feel better—and he was right!

It's totally normal to feel insecure when we're interacting with others. But here's the good news: when we become aware of it, we can actually change!

We can rebuild our sense of security ourselves, we can dare to interact with others, and we can find ways to protect ourselves!

3. The principle of small steps, changing a little at a time—and it works!

It's totally normal to feel a little nervous or afraid at first, but it's also a great opportunity to start building your confidence! After all, we've all been used to keeping our distance from female classmates for a long time.

This is because we have so much to learn about interacting with the opposite sex!

Absolutely! We can make changes little by little.

For example, when we meet someone on the street, we should consciously try something new! Instead of walking on the other side of the road, we can try greeting them calmly, just like we would greet a little girl or an elderly person.

It's totally normal to have lots of thoughts when you see the thighs of the opposite sex. It's like seeing clouds in the sky – they come and go!

We see thoughts, but we don't let them control us!

Thoughts are just thoughts, and they don't hurt anyone or themselves!

So, there's absolutely no need to be afraid!

Take your time to find the joy of getting along with others, or find a way to get along with others that makes you feel comfortable. You've got this!

"I'm excited to meet new people, especially girls! I also think that the girl sitting next to me is interested in me, which is a bit narcissistic.

This is because we unconsciously think that other people pay a lot of attention to us, while we don't feel that we are that perfect. But guess what? We are! And when we embrace our imperfections, we become more confident and comfortable in our own skin.

I highly recommend the book Courage to Be Disliked!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello!

I am a heart coach, and learning is the treasure of the body!

From your description, I can feel your inner worries, fears, insecurities, pain, and helplessness, and I'm excited to help you work through them!

You are troubled by your fear of getting along with people, especially girls. I won't go into detail here, but I've got three pieces of advice for you that I think you'll find really helpful!

First, I suggest you think about why you are afraid of getting along with people and why you are afraid of meeting girls.

In your description, you said that you can't think of such thoughts before your sophomore year. At that time, you were a slow starter and made friends through military training. However, at that time, you offended a powerful person in the class, and he threatened to get you. Although he didn't really hit you, it made you extremely scared, and as a result, you still don't have any close friends now and basically live a solitary life. This incident may be one reason why you are afraid of getting along with people. Are there any other reasons?

Why are you afraid of meeting girls, especially their thighs? It's a great opportunity to make new friends! What are you worried about? Are you worried that you might behave unkindly towards girls?

You're in college now, which means you should be ready to love and be loved, and to approach girls! But you're afraid that you may not be able to handle it well. Or maybe you feel that your "superego" is too strong, and you don't allow yourself to have thoughts about "sex" and "love," so you feel particularly guilty. Or maybe it's something else that scares you. In short, you need to figure out why you are afraid of getting along with people, especially girls, and then you can conquer your fears!

And the great news is that by finding the reason, you can also find a way to deal with it!

Second, I suggest you think about the reason you found in a rational way.

Rational thinking is a great way to understand yourself and the reality around you!

Now, think rationally. You need to do three simple things:

First, understand that you are not the same person you were in your sophomore year—and that's a great thing!

You've come so far! You're no longer the high school student you were in your second year of high school, afraid of being beaten up. You've grown so much, and you are so strong! You can absolutely handle whatever you're worried about. If someone threatens you again, you have so many ways to deal with it, such as seeking help from the school counselor, your parents, the police, etc. You've got this!

It's totally normal to like girls, want to fall in love with them, and even want to have sex with them! It's one of the basic needs of human beings.

If you are afraid of meeting girls and you have evil thoughts about sex, then you need to tell yourself that your thoughts are normal, that they are a manifestation of your inner desire to be loved and to fall in love. And you know what? That's totally okay! It just means you have a lot of room to grow and change.

Third, get this: the status quo can be changed because you can change!

When you exert your subjective initiative, your state will naturally change. If you are worried about your ability to handle interpersonal relationships, then tell yourself that you are still young and have a lot of time and energy to improve yourself and perfect yourself. You can do it! You must see the power of time.

I've got another great suggestion for you! Focus on yourself and think about what you can do to make yourself feel better.

When you take a step back and look at your situation with a clear mind, you'll probably see what you need to do. So, focus on yourself and do your best!

For example, if you want to establish a deep relationship with others, you can look at how your classmates around you deal with interpersonal relationships, learn from them, and read some relevant books, such as Effective Communication and Imperfect Relationships, etc. You'll likely know how to get along with people and feel better in no time!

You can also try systematic desensitization. It's a great way to approach girls a little at a time. After all, if you want to fall in love, you have to approach girls! Even if you don't want to fall in love now, you will definitely meet female colleagues when you start working. You need to calm yourself down and approach girls, so you can use systematic desensitization. Start by looking at pictures of girls, including those in shorts, and experience that feeling of fear. When you face it, that feeling is likely to be less scary! Then, when you're ready, look at the girls in the pictures and try walking with a girl on the same path in real life. After getting used to this state, try walking side by side with a girl, and then dare to talk. After that, you may be able to fall in love! Of course, you also have to give yourself some time, take it slowly, and don't rush.

Another great way to beat those negative emotions is to socialize with people of the same sex (starting with roommates). We are social animals and we need relationships! Being alone is fine, but sometimes you also need to interact with others. So, why not try systematic desensitization and socializing with people of the same sex? You'll be amazed at how quickly you make friends! And don't forget to get involved in various campus club activities. You'll quickly realize that other people are not that scary and more people are friendly!

You can also remind yourself when you are afraid of getting along with others that "you are no longer the same person you were in your second year of high school, and the other person is not the same person who was the class bully," and realize that such "differences" can also make you feel better. In short, you must know that you can do something to improve the situation, and you can do it!

Once you start taking action, you'll be amazed at how quickly all those negative emotions will start to disappear! It's incredible how taking action can be the best way to beat those negative feelings.

I really hope my answer helps you! If you want to chat some more, just click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom and I'll be happy to have a one-on-one conversation with you!

From what you've said, it seems like you're having some trouble with interpersonal relationships. It seems like the spotlight effect is the main reason. The psychological problems caused by the spotlight effect are related to a special experience you had in high school.

Let's take a closer look at the root causes of your psychological issues and explore some potential solutions.

?1. How the spotlight effect can have a negative impact

? 1. Get to grips with the spotlight effect.

The spotlight effect is a term coined by Tom Zylowich and Kenneth Savitsky to describe a psychological phenomenon. It basically means that we often unconsciously magnify our problems to infinity. We overestimate the attention others pay to us and amplify the attention we think others pay to us, especially when we make a fool of ourselves. We feel that the stares of those around us are always on us, and our mood and life are greatly affected as a result.

? 2. What's behind the spotlight effect?

You've already demonstrated the psychological spotlight effect in your first narrative. As you said, "I'm in college, and now I'm afraid of making contact with people. I care about what other people think of me. I'm afraid to sit with other people, especially girls."

I also think the girl sitting next to me is interested in me, which is a bit narcissistic. The main thing is that I'm really afraid of meeting girls when I walk to class or go out for daily errands. If there's a girl walking along a path, I'll walk on the other side. Now that it's summer, I'm even more afraid when girls wear shorts because I feel like looking at their thighs is wrong.

"

Because of the spotlight effect, you're afraid of contact with others. He's always on edge, thinking he's being watched, which makes it hard for him to relax.

So, to avoid this kind of emotion, you start to develop a state of social phobia.

So, why do we avoid situations like this?

By avoiding contact with others as much as possible, you can avoid attention. When you disappear from other people's view, you'll naturally not be noticed.

This way, you avoid the tension that arises in your mind subconsciously and give yourself a sense of psychological security.

The reason you've developed this sense of avoidance and don't want to be noticed, hoping to be invisible in life, is mostly due to past events. Let's look at how these events have shaped you.

2. Explain how psychological problems start

As you mentioned, I don't recall having these thoughts before my sophomore year of high school. It was similar after the second year when we were divided into different classes. There was an incident when I unintentionally offended one of the more influential people in the class and didn't apologize. I didn't have close friends in the new class, and the next day he threatened to beat me up. I was really scared, even though he didn't actually hit me. I often fell asleep in class because I could see him in the corner of my eye, and another student threatened me.

"I felt really insecure in the class."

?1. Let's make sure you're aware of how to protect yourself from threats.

First, let's look at the timeline. You said that you didn't have this psychological phenomenon before your sophomore year, which means you were normal before then. So, something must have happened to make you become abnormal afterwards. It seems like the threat you encountered on campus was the reason why.

Back then, you were afraid that someone might suddenly attack you and hurt you. So, you started feeling anxious.

This anxiety makes you want to create a self-protective state of mind where you hope not to get the attention of others and not to be seen by others.

2. The psychological causes of fear and avoidance

In your subconscious mind, you think that when you're safe, no one is paying attention to you. Of course, people who want to hurt you are always watching you.

Then, they look for an opportunity to get back at you.

This strong sense of self-preservation is what led to your subsequent spotlight effect. As a result, the tension you felt when facing the opposite sex during your adolescence was also mixed with the spotlight effect.

When you're feeling anxious and restless, you tend to look for ways to escape. This is a reflection of and an evolution in your psychological problems.

3. Make an active effort to adjust your state of mind.

Once we know what's causing your psychological issue, we can tackle it head-on.

1. Be aware that you are currently in a safe state.

First, you need to be clear about who you are right now. You are safe, and no one

They might be watching you or even doing you harm.

There's no need to worry about that.

You'll find yourself feeling pretty tense.

As you relax, your subconscious fear of attention will also ease.

You'll also find that the spotlight effect is reduced.

2. Use observation to get past those psychological barriers.

You'll see that most things don't have the consequences you imagine at the time when you observe the people and events around you.

In everyday life, things that seem to attract attention are quickly forgotten. Even those events that go viral on the Internet will gradually fade from the public eye over time.

So, you can see that even if you do something that has a negative impact, even if it got you attention from others at the time, over time not many people will remember things that did not have a big impact on them. So, there is absolutely no need to be overly concerned about your words and actions, and there is no need to create a psychological burden in order to establish your ideal image.

As you relax, your spotlight effect will also relax. This way of thinking can help you by observing others to see what happens as a result of your actions, which can help you reduce your stress.

3. Use the method of hypothetical situations to get rid of your internal fears.

Now, think back to the ways in which you are afraid of girls. What kind of negative events do you think they might bring you?

List the events in the order you think of them, with the one at the top being the one that has the greatest impact on you. Otherwise, you wouldn't have thought of it first. By organizing your memory fragments, you'll gain a clear and intuitive understanding of your own psychological state.

It's important to understand what you're most concerned about and worried about.

It's a good idea to imagine what the negative impact would be if these things did happen. Can we transform or eliminate these negative impacts?

How much of an impact will they have on you? By analyzing this, you can predict the outcome mentally.

Stress and fear often come from not knowing what to expect. Once you've predicted and mentally prepared for the worst, you can develop a coping strategy to help you stay calm.

This will help reduce your stress and make you more prepared to handle the worst-case scenario.

This should all help to reduce the impact of the spotlight effect on you.

So, if you're prepared for everything and have a plan in place, you'll feel a lot more at ease. It's also a great way to relieve anxiety.

The thinking mode of the above two methods will let you actively put together a complete thinking system before you deal with people and things.

You'll be able to anticipate and prepare for everything. Your thinking will become more mature and prudent.

It also helps relieve stress. You'll probably find that

This way of thinking will help you avoid making mistakes.

You'll become more mature and steady in your actions, which will make you more confident.

You'll also find that the pressure inside you will gradually decrease. The concerns and worries caused by the spotlight effect will also gradually decrease.