Feeling like your life is falling apart? Fed up with your current life and want a divorce

Dear questioner, From your account of your relationship with your husband, it appears that you both experience a complex emotional dynamic, oscillating between love and hatred. This suggests that you both feel aggrieved and helpless in this relationship.

Let us examine this issue collectively, with the aim of facilitating mutual growth and understanding.

It is essential to discern the underlying needs of the other person behind their words.

In the title, you mentioned, "Every time I don't know how to provoke my husband, he gets inexplicably angry." From this, we can discern two messages. The first is that you do not comprehend the other person's statements. To understand is not merely to hear; it is to discern the inner needs expressed through words.

The second message is that the husband in question often expresses his anger and grievances through cold violence, such as anger.

It is imperative that we educate each other on effective communication techniques.

Once both parties have reached a state of composure, a discussion can be initiated regarding a particular incident, the events that transpired, the emotions experienced, and the perceptions of the other party. With regard to this incident, what is the desired communication from the other person, and how should they respond?

It is often assumed that the other person should understand, but in reality, this is not the case. Therefore, it is important for everyone to learn how to communicate effectively with each other in order to improve mutual understanding and comfort.

It is imperative to refuse cold violence.

If one partner responds with cold violence in response to the other's actions, a vicious cycle of cold violence may ensue. The fact that you have sought assistance indicates that you recognize the pain caused by cold violence and are motivated to change. You may be wondering, "Why should I change and not him?" It is important to note that, of the two partners, you are better positioned to take the lead.

When an individual undergoes a change, the other person will also undergo a change.

Therefore, it is imperative to refuse cold violence, initiate the process with oneself, and alter the interaction model between the two parties, as this will inevitably lead to changes in the intimate relationship.

It is relatively simple to experience the emotion of love; however, it is considerably more challenging to maintain a harmonious and productive relationship. In an intimate relationship, the conventional distinctions between right and wrong tend to become less rigid. What becomes paramount is the capacity for mutual tolerance, the ability to navigate and learn from conflicts, and the willingness to teach and learn about love.

From the text, I can feel the questioner's passion and desire for change. You have identified the "interaction pattern" between you and your husband, and now you have the opportunity to break out of this "dead end." You don't know what makes your husband angry, but you can find out! Your husband knows but won't say, but you can ask him directly.

My husband says that "every time he gets angry, it's because you don't understand how he feels." It seems like "it's your fault," but I still feel aggrieved and angry because you have no idea where I went wrong.

To be honest, I would be angry too! I would want to change, but I don't even know where I'm wrong. My husband complains that I don't understand his feelings and that it's my fault, but he isn't taking any action to help solve the problem.

I would highly recommend that the original poster does not accept the statement that "the reason he gets angry every time is that I don't understand his feelings." If he wants you to "admit it," he needs to come up with "evidence." You can also ask your husband, "Do you understand my feelings?" If possible, you can also go back to the situation at the time and "switch roles."

It's very likely that your husband is also unable to understand your feelings. But if he could understand your feelings, he would not have verbally attacked you because he knows that it was an "unintentional action" on your part.

Maybe your husband is feeling bad about not being able to tell you right away why he's upset. It's great that he's trying to make up with you!

It's clear you two are an affectionate couple! Otherwise, the questioner wouldn't have been so distressed and broken down over this matter.

The above suggestions are not intended to make you "tit for tat," but simply to "force" you to step out of your own position and feel each other's feelings. It's a great idea to understand that being able to feel "the other person's feelings" and taking into account your own feelings at the same time is not an easy task. It requires giving the other person some time and understanding, and I'm sure you'll be able to do it!

I really hope my response helps! Best wishes!

Hello, young lady. I can see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to support you.

I believe you may be experiencing some intergenerational communication problems. Please allow me to give you a warm hug again.

I wonder if I might ask why your husband lashes out verbally whenever he gets angry, instead of talking to you?

It might be helpful to consider the possibility that this is related to his family of origin.

It might be the case that when he was growing up, his father would verbally attack him every time he got angry.

It's possible that he may not realize that this kind of communication is inappropriate.

You might consider communicating with your husband to express your feelings about the way he treats you.

If you don't express your concerns to your husband, it may be more difficult for him to make changes.

It might also be helpful for you and your husband to consider speaking with a professional counselor for couples counseling, if you feel that would be beneficial.

It would be beneficial for both of you to consider couples counseling, but it is also important for your husband to be on board with this decision.

Given that the issue you're currently facing seems to be related to your family of origin, I believe seeking the guidance of a professional counselor might be more beneficial than relying on an instant listener.

Even communication between a couple when they are angry requires a great deal of skill.

You might find it helpful to read the book "Nonviolent Communication" if you'd like to learn more about this.

I truly believe that your problem with your husband can be resolved. It may seem more challenging than you initially thought, but I am confident that with the right approach, it can be overcome.

I truly hope that the issue you're currently facing can be resolved as soon as possible.

I hope these suggestions are helpful and inspiring to you. I'm sorry I can't think of more at the moment.

I hope my above answers are helpful and inspiring to you, the girl. I am here to offer my support and I study hard every day.

At Yixinli, we extend our love and best wishes to you and the world.

Hello, original poster!

From your description, it's clear that your husband has room to grow in expressing himself and communicating. When problems arise, he tends to sulk rather than explaining things to you. However, he'll make amends afterwards, probably because he's realized his behavior isn't ideal but hasn't yet corrected it. You're both just as angry as he is, and I can see that you're both suffering in this marriage. But neither of you is willing to change. I can understand how you feel!

I believe the main issue between you two is that you could both benefit from learning how to communicate more effectively. It seems that you both have a tendency to use negative emotions as a way of fighting and attacking each other, which is not only harmful to the communication in your relationship but also causes you both a lot of harm. I'm excited to tell you that there are ways you can correct his behaviour pattern!

I've got some great advice for you!

Let's start with the most important thing: expressing your thoughts actively!

When you have a problem, the other person may adopt a cold and violent attitude. But you can take the initiative to ask them why they're acting this way and what they're thinking!

The great thing is, everyone deals with things differently. So, we can ask each other how we feel and what we want to do about it!

And the best part is, you can learn to express your feelings and needs, and learn to perceive and manage your emotions!

To express your feelings actively is a great way to show your emotions! You can say to your husband, "Dear, I'm feeling really sad right now. What's going on? Let's talk about it!"

It's time to take control! Learn to perceive and manage your emotions so you can avoid being controlled by them.

Let's establish some positive, transparent, and effective communication methods!

In all interpersonal relationships, it's so important to establish positive, transparent, and effective communication methods. Intimacy is also a kind of interpersonal relationship. If we want to communicate with someone, we get to tell the other person the thoughts and intentions we want to express, and then negotiate and communicate!

④ It's time to learn how to put yourself in other people's shoes!

It's so important to remember that everyone is actually thinking from their own position when they speak. And you can absolutely stand in the other person's shoes and see what their perspective on the issue is! It's because everyone's worldviews, cognitive thinking, and positions are different, and thus their approaches are different.

Finally, effective communication requires us to get to the point, understand what the other person is saying, and have a positive attitude. If you take the brave step of expressing yourself, amazing things will happen! People will influence each other, and your husband will see your good intentions and gradually be influenced by you, making some changes and changing the pattern of avoiding each other, thereby improving the quality of your marriage.

I'm sure you'll get out of this difficult situation soon!

Hello, my name is June, and I'm here to help!

Reading your description, I can't help but sigh. It's so easy to fall in love, but so hard to stay together! My husband gets angry for no reason, and I get angry after him for no reason. We're like a mirror, reflecting each other's anger.

I really feel for you. I can especially understand how powerless you feel.

I'm not sure how long you two have been married. I haven't seen you mention any children, so I'm guessing your marriage is still relatively new.

It's totally normal to need a little adjustment period when you're going from dating to marriage.

When you're in love, you show your partner your best self. It's a simple, frictionless relationship. But once you're married, you're in it for the long haul. You're no longer just two individuals, you're a couple. And couples have their own unique dynamics. Plus, your in-laws are involved. They're part of the picture now. And that can lead to some bumps in the road. It's normal to have conflicts and arguments in the early days of marriage.

I totally get why you're asking this question. It's so hard when things don't work out. But, you know, impulsive divorces are often not a relief. They can actually add another scar to your life. So, if you want a divorce, you also have to find the reason why the two of you are not getting along. After both parties have made an effort, and if it really cannot be resolved, then separate.

This way, you can both be sure you've done the best you can and have no regrets.

I have a friend who has just been diagnosed with moderate depression. It all started with a divorce.

She was young and beautiful, intelligent and capable. She had so many suitors, but she chose her ex-husband because he was similar to her family in terms of background, tall and handsome, and young and promising.

They're so similar! They have the same family background and ability, so they don't interfere with each other after marriage. Neither of them will give in, which can cause disagreements. They get into a fight every time they disagree, and after 5 years of this cycle of fighting-reconciling-fighting, they finally divorced on impulse.

Their divorce wasn't because they didn't love each other, but because they were both strong-willed and unwilling to give in. I'm sure you can imagine how this friend felt when she heard the news. It's so sad, but it's also true that she didn't feel relieved or joy.

It's so sad that she's sad about losing her ex-husband, but she has to act like she's doing fine without him. It's so hard! I can imagine it's really hard on her. It's no wonder she's suffering from insomnia and anxiety.

In the past two years, due to the pandemic, her career has suffered a serious setback, while her ex-husband's career has improved instead. Many people have advised them to get back married, and although she said she didn't want to, she secretly hoped for it. What she didn't expect was that three months ago, her ex-husband found a new girlfriend.

When she heard the news, she was so excited! She started dating and going to the gym frequently. But after two weeks, she just slumped and lost interest in everything.

The person telling the story wants to say that it's totally okay to have an argument. It's actually a way of expressing the needs of both sides. The key is to find the cause of the argument and work together to solve it.

It's so hard to know how to provoke my husband! Every time I don't know how to handle things, he gets really angry. But every time after a few days, he takes the initiative to make up with me. It's so sweet that he does that, but the main reason he gets angry every time is that I don't understand how he feels.

From this description, it's clear that your husband still loves you very much. He's always the first to make up after an argument, which shows how much he cares about you. It's a wonderful quality, and it's something you should celebrate.

But even if you make up, you still don't know the reason for your fight. That's okay! It's totally normal to not always know why we argue. When that happens, it's a good idea to ask yourself:

1. I'm really not sure.

Not knowing is a bit of a problem, isn't it? It means you haven't put yourself in your husband's shoes and considered his needs. Marriage is all about mutual understanding and tolerance.

It's so important to remember that a relationship that is maintained by one party's constant forbearance and sacrifice will not last long. One day, the other party will be exhausted, and it's so important to be there for them.

2. I'm sorry, but I don't want to know.

If you say, "I don't want to know," it can mean that you actually know deep down that you've done something wrong. It's okay to admit it! You might be afraid to admit it because you're worried that it will become an excuse for the other person to manipulate you in the future.

It's so hard when we get angry and don't say anything, isn't it? I know I get angry and impulsive, and I find myself ignoring him even more. It's like our lives are in this vicious cycle.

As you can see from this description, when you two are angry, you tend to mirror each other's feelings, which can lead to a vicious cycle of projection and reflection.

This shows that both of you could benefit from learning to be more tolerant, understanding, and accepting. There are probably two reasons for this:

You were both "spoiled" in your original family, and you were usually allowed to vent your emotions as you pleased. Your family was able to accept your emotions, which is great! Now it's time to learn this ability to "acceptance."

When one of you feels like you're losing control, try taking a deep breath first. This can help you calm down and think before you speak.

Then, take a moment to think back: What did I just say? What did I mean by that?

I wonder what kind of misunderstanding the other person might have when they hear what I say?

When you can think of what the other person may have misunderstood, it'll help you stay calm. Next, accept his emotions first, and then explain where the misunderstanding lies.

2. Your original family used to solve problems by arguing, and arguing has become a part of your respective minds. If so, it would be really helpful for you to change the "wheel of fortune" and not let this character continue to be "inherited."

In marriage and in all our relationships, it's so important to be a safe, welcoming space for others to share their feelings.

I really hope these suggestions are useful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Hello, my name is Zeyu, and I'm so happy to be here to help!

From what you've told me, it seems like your husband's personality can be a bit unpredictable and moody. He'll get angry for no reason and then make up with you just as quickly. I can imagine this can make you feel like you don't measure up, which is why you're considering divorce.

It's totally understandable that you're feeling anxious and uncertain about sticking with your husband. It's not easy to go through this, and your husband's personality and behavior can make it even more challenging. It's natural to feel worried about when he'll get better and when his mood will change. It's important to remember that we're all human, and we all have our ups and downs.

Now, let's try to figure out together what might have made the relationship so challenging based on what you've shared. It seems like your husband is hoping that you can understand his feelings and see things from his perspective. I'm not going to say it, but I really hope you understand. This expectation might be a bit unreasonable, and it seems like he could benefit from learning to manage his emotions better. The way you interact with each other is that you're both in a position of passively accepting and fighting back, and then you fall into a negative cycle.

We've gone over some things together that might be on your mind. We've also talked about some of the thoughts and beliefs that might be influencing your situation. We've also looked at what's going on and why it's the way it is. Now, we're going to focus on the last part of the content, which is what we can do to change the situation.

First of all, we're not going to go into the option of "divorce" because it's probably the most costly and simplest of all the options. There are so many other possibilities out there!

1. You know what would be really helpful right now? Couples counseling!

2. Learn the skills of non-violent communication, change the communication model, enrich communication channels, and change the status quo. In this regard, we highly recommend reading "Nonviolent Communication."

3. Change ourselves and take the initiative. We can choose to take the initiative to communicate with the other person to express our feelings and needs. It's a great idea to sit down together and have a good talk about each other's feelings and views on the current situation. It's also a wonderful opportunity to listen to the other person's opinions, see the real person, and feel the real emotions.

4. Try to feel more in control, change what you can, and accept what you can't. You can gently encourage the other person to change by adjusting the way you interact with them. This is where the non-violent communication skills we learned earlier can be really helpful!

5. Practicing mindfulness breathing or body-based techniques is a great way to improve our physical and mental state, enrich our spare time, and add more color to life! It's also a wonderful reminder that, in addition to relationships, there is so much possibility and hope for us.

I really, really hope that the original poster can have a happy ending. And I also hope that this article can bring some possibilities for change and inspiration.

Dear questioner, Good afternoon.

I'm Kelly Shui from Heart Exploration.

Your question made me think of my own experiences.

Let's talk about marriage issues.

[Feeling like your life is falling apart? Fed up with your current life]

The conflicts between you and your husband are mainly emotional. I don't know how long you've been married. Do you have kids?

There are several ways to understand your husband's emotions.

1. Original family:

He trusts you and feels safe with you. He is moody.

There's a term called "regression." Intimacy between spouses often follows the patterns of their original family. Seeing problems is a chance for mutual growth.

You can learn about your in-laws' personalities. For example, the nurturer from your upbringing can also affect you.

In the early days, children would suppress their emotions because their parents were domineering. These emotions would accumulate in their bodies.

Parents affect their children with their words and emotions.

If you don't have a strong inner self, you're more likely to be emotionally unstable. If you're raised by parents who don't encourage you and always criticize and blame you, you're more likely to be emotionally unstable when you grow up.

His family has high expectations of him. If he gets a 95% on an exam, they'll say, "Next time, try to get 98%."

She was never encouraged or recognized by her family.

This makes them feel powerless and hopeless.

These memories can become traumatic. Suppressed despair can lead to anger or resentment.

The questioner said that every time she doesn't know how to provoke her husband, he gets angry.

Maybe he doesn't know why he's like this.

He may be angry at you, but it's really about his own powerlessness.

Next time, the questioner can try:

1: Encourage him, affirm him, and ask for his help.

2: Summarize the rules and which problems he always gets angry about.

3: The couple talks honestly and walks and talks about stories from their childhood.

4: His school days.

5: Ask your husband what he wants most.

6: Have fun together by reading, chatting about books, and talking about each other's opinions.

7: If you can't communicate, see a counselor. Either person needs to change for things to change.

8: Families are emotional systems. The questioner should focus on themselves, understand their husband's emotions, and be aware of their own impulses.

See your own anger and despair. When you see him attack you, what do you feel?

Look at him and look at yourself. Do you fight like children?

If you hit me, I'll hit you back.

Love yourself and you can heal your inner wounds.

If the questioner sees her husband is angry, she will accept it.

I have written about releasing anger, despair, and resentment, healing inner wounds, learning psychology, self-growth, and raising your inner child with the help of a counselor.

When you're calm, you'll know how to love your family.

If we can't change others, we can change ourselves.

Try marriage counseling or family therapy if you can grow together.

Here are some tips:

One partner can grow first, see the other's emotions, and calm down before the next fight.

1: This method of communication has never worked.

2: Your body is yours. Why argue?

3: Give him water and let him talk. You put down your phone and listen.

4: The cycle makes your conflicts worse. You should change your approach.

5: Be honest with Mr. X. Tell him he attacked you and you were angry.

6: Plan the next few years together.

What are your goals?

7: Understanding helps you understand your own behavior and how it's similar to your parents'.

8: Laugh with your husband sometimes. Let's talk about anger. What makes you angry?

9; Focus on self-growth, learning, reading, etc.

Read two books: Embrace Your Inner Child and Intimate Relationships.

Open your heart. See yourself.

Let your heart grow and accept yourself.

Let your heart live your life.

If we grow ourselves, we can resolve problems. These marital problems are common. We often don't see our own problems.

Well done!

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it's clear that you're deeply uncomfortable and aggrieved by your husband's inexplicable mood swings. It seems as if the two of you are torturing each other. I don't know if you can agree with this assessment.

What's the matter, then? Come on, spit it out.

You've come here looking for answers. What kind of answer are you hoping for?

You may have expectations, but I can tell you with certainty that the answer lies within yourself. We are the experts in solving our own problems.

From your description, it's clear that your husband is emotionally unstable. He's unskilled in expressing his emotions and is also very sensitive. This is unacceptable.

Every time you two get angry, it's because he feels that you don't understand him. He gets angry when he doesn't say anything. Then when you ignore him, your emotions come back up, so you two fight against each other. It's clear that your husband needs you to understand him, agree with him, support him, and agree with him. Is that right?

You need your husband to communicate with you, to let you understand, to let you feel his emotions, and to handle this together peacefully.

Marriage combines two people from different original families to form a new family. Your husband has unresolved issues from his original family that affect his behavior towards you.

From your description, it is clear that your husband has emotions. Refusing to communicate is also a form of emotional violence, which makes you feel very uncomfortable.

You must decide whether or not to get a divorce. Based on your feelings, I will give you a few tips to help you ease your emotions.

First, learn to communicate well.

From your description, it's clear that you and your husband have a communication pattern that involves you getting angry when he gets angry and going in opposite directions. When he's in a good mood, he'll comfort you, but when he's in a bad mood, it'll be the same next time, making you feel helpless and even like you're not loved or taken seriously. This has led you to consider getting a divorce. Is that right?

You need to change. Learn to communicate well, talk to your husband about your feelings more often, and accept his emotions. You might ask why not him, but you need to do this for yourself.

And what about me? Your husband needs to be aware of this emotion in our hearts. There is a saying that whoever suffers changes, and it is not a bad thing to be aware of and change. It just makes our lives happier, and I expect that of him.

Read "Nonviolent Communication." It's about learning good communication skills to establish good communication.

Second, meet his needs and learn to be cute.

Professor Sun Jian, my hypnosis teacher, made an excellent point when he compared men to pigs. It's simply not realistic to expect a pig to climb a tree. Men and women have different ways of thinking. Men are more laid-back, and they have feelings brought on by their family of origin that can make them feel inferior or have some other emotions. However, compared to women's sensitivity, men are still more straightforward.

You need to decide what you want to do and how you want him to treat you.

Do what you need to do to make him happy. When he's happy, you'll be happy. Meet his needs, and he'll meet yours. Learn to be coquettish and hypnotize him with your coquettish ways. He'll learn how to love you.

You must learn to release negative emotions.

This endless cycle is infuriating. Anyone would feel uncomfortable in this situation, and you are not wrong to feel this way. However, you deserve a good life, and you can achieve that by learning to release your negative emotions and get rid of this uncomfortable feeling. You can communicate with your husband, talk to your friends, keep a diary, or seek professional psychological counseling. Through sports and other methods, you can get rid of these negative emotions, calm your mind, and have more energy to face the challenges in life.

Finally, I want to tell you that when you are drawing a question mark in the movie "Should I Divorce?," it doesn't actually show rain. You also feel the good points of your husband, but the pattern between the two of you makes you feel very uncomfortable.

You need to pay attention to what you really want. Ask yourself: do you really want to divorce him?

Is he really worthless, and does he make you so angry and uncomfortable? You need to ask yourself: does he have good moments?

Tell me, what is he like when he is being nice to you? Have you communicated with him properly?

You both need to understand why you have this pattern. Think about what it was like in your family of origin. Think about what it was like for him.

If you two really can't communicate or don't know how to communicate, you need to take a course on happy families. This will help you both become aware and communicate effectively.

I want to tell you, it's okay. What you see is the beginning of change. This uncomfortable feeling can motivate you to work harder to improve your lifestyle and achieve a happy lifestyle. It's in our hands, and we can do this. We see the good in him, then it's good; we see the bad in him, then it's bad. It all depends on what we see and feel. This unspeakable feeling can be offset by our own mental suggestions. I believe in you, and as long as you are willing, life will become more and more happy!