Feeling unable to withstand praise, and experiencing a breakdown in behavior and mindset upon receiving it?

Hello, host!

Do you tend to be a perfectionist at work and in life? Perfectionism is about doing things perfectly, even if they're not perfect. Based on your description, I'll assume you're a perfectionist.

Why is this?

I remember listening to a Yixin FM broadcast about perfectionism. The program mentioned that perfectionism is divided into two categories. I think it should be divided according to the different psychological tendencies of perfectionists. I will briefly explain it as I understand it:

Some perfectionists are achievement-oriented. They work hard to achieve perfection. They focus on the relationship between themselves and the activity they are engaged in. What others say is not important. They have to do the work to their satisfaction. High standards and strict requirements are the source of suffering for this type of perfectionist. If they can't meet the requirements and standards, they will be hard on themselves.

The other type is performance-oriented. They set high standards and are strict with themselves. They focus on their relationship with others. They strive for perfection to avoid others' dissatisfaction.

Most perfectionists are a mixture of the two, but the intensity of the two psychological activities is different. They are masters who will not rest until they die, and they are stubborn.

The host's perfectionist tendencies focus on relationships with others. They react strongly to others' opinions. However, they fear positive feedback more than negative feedback.

Most perfectionists like praise but don't like criticism.

How does the host feel when he gets negative comments? Were you raised with high standards and strict requirements, and praised and complimented?

Did you grow up in a place with high standards and strict requirements? I think you probably didn't.

You will grow up either praised or criticized. You probably grew up in a mixed environment. Both situations shape you into a perfectionist who performs well.

The host can't "take the praise." There's a reliable explanation in psychology.

Sigmund Freud said that people need to protect themselves to survive. This means that we have defense mechanisms that we don't think about. The most common one is repression.

If a baby cries and his mother beats him up, threatening to kill him, he will repress his feelings and appear fine. This way, he will be safe.

The defense mechanism is a psychological activity that hides strong, unacceptable feelings.

The landlord's situation is similar. Dolls are criticized and praised with high standards and strict requirements. Both mean the same thing: imperfection is not allowed.

The criticism is not allowed to mean that there is no need to explain it, and the praise is not allowed to say a little: it conveys the same meaning, but the expression is a little different – saying you are great is to tell you not to be proud or complacent, you must work harder, and dare you to regress!

Praise is criticism in disguise. There is no best, only better.

The host's expression of using a defense mechanism to deal with praise is "reverse formation." In this, the individual suppresses impulses that feel threatened and replaces them with socially acceptable behaviors.

In the original poster's situation, it is:

Anger: Screw you, I don't want your opinions!

Defense – first suppression: Being kind to others is terrible! I can't do that (it will lead to losing relationships). Reverse: Suppress anger, act pleasantly, and strive for perfection (socially acceptable and not criticized), and I'll be safe!

But is that all? You're naive!

What about all that anger? It's not going away.

How much anger have you bottled up since childhood?

Praise triggers deep-seated anger. Your subconscious mind is like a boiling cauldron, dropping angry bubbles. It finds other outlets to let it out.

For the poster, things keep going wrong. You want me to be perfect? Screw you, I'm going to make a few mistakes. You're trying to survive. If you really seal this pot, it will explode. You'll die.

But you don't know this because you're not aware.

I hug you.

I'll finish tomorrow.

I love you, world.

Hello, host! I'm so excited to get started!

Let's dive right in and tackle the second question today!

[2] "How can it be adjusted?"

Yesterday, in response to the question "why," a possible analysis was given. But that is only one possibility! There is another logical possibility that is just as exciting. It is that praise from others activates one's fear of not doing a perfect job and being afraid of receiving a negative evaluation in the end.

The landlord's perfectionism makes it more likely that they'll show it. And there's a good chance that this is closer to the landlord's real situation because this type of fear is pretty common, especially in our cultural and educational environment. So, the reverse formation at this time is probably something like this:

Impulse – laziness: I'd love to be able to do it perfectly, but I just don't want to be so tired!

Defense – first suppression: I can't afford to be lazy and imperfect, because that would lead to contempt, rejection, and loss of relationships – and that's terrifying. But I can do this! The subconscious mind is like a cauldron, and laziness is suppressed by covering it with a lid.

Reverse: Act like you're trying really hard and you're good at what you do, pursuing perfection with gusto (socially acceptable and free from criticism). This way, no one will say anything, and I'll be safe!

Therefore, the host is highly vigilant and sensitive to being evaluated. This makes total sense! The attention and evaluation of others will awaken their fear of being despised. The subconscious cauldron that has compressed and packed years of fear is bubbling and seeking an outlet. Unable to bear praise seems to be a psychological reversal: essentially, it is afraid of criticism, but what is shown is a fear of being praised, because as mentioned yesterday, praise is actually criticism dressed up in fancy clothes, and it is more demanding than the current perfection.

Fear can manifest as a fear of not being able to do better, but there's no need to worry! Under the influence of this emotion, one can no longer just focus on the task at hand when doing things oneself. Compared to that calm but focused state of flow, fear causes a partial redistribution of the sensory channels and attention and energy to be used to cope with the resulting stress and tension (internal friction, and pointless internal friction at that). The more you want to be perfect, the more you fear being imperfect, the greater the pressure, the stronger the tension, the more likely you are to make mistakes... but these are all just opportunities for growth and learning!

So, you've discovered that there are two types of orientation, which points to the fear of being judged. This is great news! You can now use the emotional ABC theory created by the brilliant American psychologist Ellis to help you adjust. This part of the knowledge learning is recommended to buy his book "Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy." The principle of adjustment is simple: remain aware of your emotions, analyze the irrational beliefs hidden within, and change irrational beliefs into rational beliefs.

Once you change your perception, you'll be amazed at how quickly you can change your behavior. Before you know it, your feelings will change too! You'll no longer be afraid of being imperfect, or of being judged by others. You'll become calm and focused, and you'll be able to do your best work. The result? A more perfect outcome!

The amazing thing about ABC therapy is that it reveals a simple truth: event A may seem to trigger consequence C, but in reality, the root cause of C is not A at all. It's an irrational belief, hidden deep within the mind. This belief is actually wrong, and as long as it's corrected, behavior and consequences can be transformed!

Now, let's dive into an example of a possible adjustment process! If the irrational belief part isn't your thing, no problem. The host can do the operation that suits them.

Aha! Let's dive in and see what's going on here. ?A: Triggering event: being praised.

?C: Result: Making a mistake.

?B: Now for the fun part! Let's find the irrational belief behind it that is really causing the problem:

The first thing you can do to make a change is to become aware of your emotions. When you're praised, you might feel stressed and nervous, which can make it harder to concentrate and make mistakes.

?️Then just follow the emotional clues and dig deeper to see what you believe: being stressed, nervous, and making mistakes is being afraid of being imperfect; being afraid of being imperfect is being afraid of being judged by others; being afraid of being judged by others is being afraid of not being liked, being despised and rejected by others, losing relationships, and being despised and rejected is being afraid of being alone and unable to bear it. But you can break free from this cycle!

?️So the irrational belief is: if you are imperfect, you will end up alone. But there's no need to worry! You can choose to stop at any link in the chain and start fresh. For example, the irrational belief is: if you are imperfect, you will not be liked. But you can change this! You can believe that being perfect is the reason and the only absolute reason for being liked, and you can also believe that you may be liked if you are imperfect.

Now for the fun part! It's time to debunk the irrationality of the belief. The root of the problem is often an erroneous cause-and-effect or absolute catastrophic thinking. Let's dive in and see how we can fix it!

Cause and effect ~ Guess what! Perfection isn't the only reason people like you. You can be liked even if you're not perfect. And you know what else? Imperfection can also be a good thing. It's true! You can find proof of this in the world around you.

Absolute thinking: Perfection isn't the only reason people are liked. There are so many other qualities that make people likeable! And the same goes for you. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and just because some people don't like you doesn't mean everyone doesn't.

?Catastrophizing thinking: Even if you are unlucky, most people around you only like you because you do things perfectly. Not being liked is not a disaster! You will not end up alone. You still have the ability to find a group that suits you, and you can also learn to get along with loneliness. Not being liked by a significant portion of people is not a disaster.

Other: You're not a bad person just because you made a mistake. You can still do better and get better at it! You'll get approval instead of rejection.

Once you've changed your perception, it's time to establish a new, rational belief: I know my abilities, and I will do my best, but I believe it's okay if I don't do it perfectly this time. This belief will help you relax the next time you get praised. There are many other methods to help you relax, such as adjusting your breathing, mindfulness, etc. This way, you can greatly reduce the meaningless consumption of sensory channels, attention, and energy. You'll be able to focus on what you're doing, and your body and mind will be relaxed and happy!

Of course, such an operation requires repeated self-training in practice. After all, people are not machines. It's amazing how, if you know which switch is wrong, you can turn it over and it will run normally again! Most of the symptoms are the result of a long process, but with the right self-training, you can effectively get rid of some deep-rooted and persistent fears in no time.

And the world and I love you!

Dear Question Asker,

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge the value of praise. Not everyone is able to receive frequent praise from others. Even if it is merely a polite comment, it demonstrates that you are a popular individual who is easily recognized by others.

This is a positive quality and a source of pride.

You have stated that, subsequent to receiving praise from others, you are more prone to err. I am curious as to the underlying cause of this phenomenon. Let us undertake a joint analysis:

1. Can you recall whether the thing you were praised for or the thing you learned was the first time you did it? It should be something you have been doing or learning all along. Prior to receiving praise, did you never make a mistake?

2. In general, minor flaws are inherent to any action, but they do not significantly impact the overall situation. It is possible that others may not have noticed these flaws, which makes it reasonable for them to praise the individual in question. Following praise, the individual's attention may shift towards avoiding mistakes in the areas that have been praised. However, if a mistake is made, the blame may be attributed to the praise itself.

It is also the case that mistakes may be made even in the absence of external praise.

3. This phenomenon can be described as selective storage in the mind. When individuals consciously collect and store information that aligns with their interests, they may perceive that receiving praise will increase the likelihood of making mistakes. However, the probability of making a mistake remains consistent regardless of external factors.

4. Concurrently, elevated expectations resulting from previous praise may increase the likelihood of errors.

In light of these considerations, it seems prudent to suggest the following:

1. It is important to be clear that one's objective in undertaking tasks and pursuing knowledge is not to seek praise, but rather to accomplish the task at hand. With regard to praise, it should be viewed as a bonus and not a prerequisite for success. By maintaining this perspective, one can more readily accept praise when it is received.

2. It is important to avoid excessive self-pressure. Individual standards may differ from those of others, and external validation should not be a primary concern. Instead, it is essential to maintain authenticity.