Grew up being criticized, afraid of making mistakes, social anxiety, what to do?

Hello,

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a heart exploration coach. I've read your post, and it seems like you've had a rough time over the years. It's clear that you're struggling with a lot right now.

At the same time, I also noticed that the host has been really open about their own struggles and actively sought help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help the host to better understand themselves and adjust their situation, and to move away from the influence of their original family.

Next, I'll share some of my observations and thoughts from the post, which might help you view yourself from a different angle.

1. Being afraid of making mistakes might be a way to protect yourself.

From the post, we can see that the poster grew up in a very focused family where he was constantly criticized and blamed for mistakes. He was always anxious to be a "good boy" because he wanted to do well. So what does such an environment teach us?

First of all, have we learned that we'll be severely criticized if we make a mistake?

Have we learned to be perfect so we won't be criticized? Have we learned to play it safe?

It seems like we only learn to be treated well by avoiding mistakes. And we only avoid being severely criticized by playing it safe.

So, this is what we've learned from our experience. What happens when we apply this to other relationships?

When we live according to previous experiences, in order to avoid being criticized and blamed, we tend to avoid making mistakes and errors.

2. Give yourself a chance to take responsibility for your own life.

When I finished reading the post, I thought of a story. An elephant calf was tied up by a rope since it was young, and it struggled countless times, but never managed to break free.

So it learns from experience and thinks it doesn't have the strength to break free from the bonds. But as it grows up, it gradually gains the strength to break free from the bonds.

But if you don't realize it yourself, you'll still be stuck.

After reading the post, I'm pleased to see that the poster wants to move on from the influence of their original family. It's important to take responsibility for your own life, your own needs, and your own emotions.

3. Look at yourself from an adult perspective.

So, how do we get out of the influence of our original family? We can use an adult perspective to look at our upbringing and see if the parenting, education, and environment we received have given us some pretty unreasonable perceptions, beliefs, and parenting styles.

So, what is this "adult perspective"? It's our objective, rational view of things.

It's important to take the time to understand ourselves better. This can help us to grow and adjust those irrational perceptions. We should recognize that many of our behaviors and thoughts are just survival strategies we developed as children to get treated better.

So, are those survival strategies still relevant? What kind of adjustments are needed?

This is something we can start doing right away.

4. Accept who you really are.

In the post, the host said that she still wants to feel like she's "performing well" and that she's held back by other people's standards. So why is this? Let's take a look together. Often, people don't perform so well in reality, so they'll practice over and over in their minds, hoping that the next time they encounter that situation, they can perform well.

But this is really about dissatisfaction with oneself in reality, a pursuit of perfection, or a desire to be the ideal self.

If the problem isn't serious, this can help us grow. But if it is, trying too hard to be perfect can lead to self-loathing and self-attack.

So, at this point, we can try to accept who we really are, adjust the gap between who we think we should be and who we are, and reduce the internal conflict. Focus on the parts that you can adjust.

I hope these ideas will be helpful and inspiring for you. If you have any questions, you can click to find a coach for one-on-one communication and exchange. Together, you can work on overcoming the influence of our original families on us and reconciling with them.

Dear questioner,

I am Sunshine, and I am grateful to have met you on the Yixinli platform! I am sending you a hug from across the screen!

Thank you for raising the issue of being harshly criticized since childhood, which has led to a fear of making mistakes and social anxiety. I can already see that you have a lot of self-awareness, and I'm confident that we can explore a range of perspectives and possibilities for change.

I'm going to share my thoughts on this topic, which I think will be useful for the questioner.

Let's get one thing straight.

Let's first identify the specific confusion the questioner has encountered from the questioner's description and then interpret and analyze it.

You were constantly picked on and criticized growing up in a highly focused family. You were always anxious to be a good boy or girl because you wanted to do well.

The questioner has been highly concerned about by their family since childhood, being picked on and scolded all the time. This is clearly the expectation of the parents and family. The questioner is being measured and required by their family's own goals/standards.

Or, because the family has pinned their unfulfilled dreams on you? They have no idea of the mental pressure and burden this has placed on you.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. It's the result of your family members' ignorance and limitations. Fortunately, you now have your own awareness, so you can make a change.

You want to do well, so you fret over how to be a "good boy." Are you really just "carrying the weight" for your family? Is your goal really to become the "good boy" in their eyes? You've become what your family expects, and you've lost yourself in the process.

There is no self, and they are always on tenterhooks, so they are always in a state of nervous anxiety, worrying and fearing "disobedience/making mistakes." Their emotions are always on edge, so they live their lives cautiously. They are already in a state of severe internal depletion.

As a child, I was afraid of making mistakes, suffered from social anxiety, and took other people's reactions very seriously. I would even feel tired and nervous, and easily get nervous and scared. However, I am already tired of wanting to achieve something within the constraints of other people's standards. I am ready to step by step go out of this.

—— You were scolded since childhood, weren't you? This has led to a nervous and anxious mentality where you are afraid of making mistakes. Otherwise, you will lose your reputation as a "good boy."

You have developed a psychological quality that makes you particularly concerned about being criticized, judged, or blamed by others. You cannot allow yourself to make mistakes.

You need to stop worrying that you are disobedient, bad, or unable to meet your family's expectations. Over time, you will become learned helpless and no longer dare to enter into relationships. You may even become regressive and develop social anxiety or phobia.

You've probably become more sensitive, caring about what other people think and whether they're angry. Of course, you're expending a lot of mental energy just to live up to what others expect.

I am tired, and I'm not going to lie.

The questioner currently knows some of the problems with themselves at the conscious level, but at the subconscious level, they still hope to repeatedly experience the "sense of accomplishment/good performance" in the confines of others' "standards." They have not truly come to know and understand themselves, and thus cannot be their true selves. This is the "problem" that the questioner needs to overcome next.

Given the situation and the questioner's self-awareness, they should respond and adapt actively and change their approach. They should take one step at a time to move forward.

[1] Accept your current situation, including your own mental exhaustion. The questioner has already become self-aware and discovered that she is tired of living. She has the desire to change her situation. She allows herself to live up to the expectations of others in a state of ignorance, causing her body and mind to suffer a certain amount of pain. She is learning to accept her past.

From today, you are allowed to be imperfect and to be yourself.

[2] You need to understand that your "good boy" was forced upon you, and it is by no means what you want. When we are weak and helpless, we are forced to be someone else's "image." That is not your fault, but rather the result of the limitations of your family. You cannot change the perceptions and behavioral limitations of your family, but you can work hard to change your perceptions and views of their limitations.

[3] Take responsibility for yourself and learn to love yourself again. Everyone is unique, and everyone must learn to take responsibility for their own lives. Start now by refusing your family's "imposition/instigation/demands..." and say "no" to them. Take control of the little things you can, and do three things every day that you are in control of. Over time, these small things will add up and become the big things you are in control of.

[4] Learn to manage your emotions, starting with being aware of your anxiety/nervousness. When anxiety strikes, first become aware of it, and what you are worried or afraid of behind that anxiety. Then, figure out the truth of that "anxiety/nervousness": is it what you really want? If not, then don't allow yourself to be influenced by others. Focus on your own emotions and feelings, and take action for this. For example, when you are anxious, you can learn to breathe deeply, meditate, listen to music, find someone to talk to, etc.

[5] You must start with self-awareness. Practice communicating and getting along with familiar people. Then, gradually expand to more unfamiliar people. Know what you want. Through "gradual self-exposure," let yourself grow mentally within the scope of what you can accept. Become the person you want to be.

[6] You can take exams to systematically grow yourself mentally, but this may take a long time. Issues related to the original family, issues related to caring about other people's opinions, issues related to social anxiety, issues related to being your true self, etc., all require you to analyze and understand yourself one by one. You must do this in order to stop falling into old patterns from the past and start acting on your true feelings/thoughts from the heart and thinking about being your true self. Only in this way can you gradually live out your true self.

[7] The questioner should read the following books for self-help: "Why Family Delusions Hurt," "The Original Family: How to Fix Your Own Character Defects," "Love Yourself Back," "Hello, Anxiety," and "Seeing Yourself Grow." The questioner should read these books when it is convenient.

In summary, I am confident that my understanding and response to the questioner's discussion of the issue will bring them positive and helpful inspiration and help! I pray that the questioner will have a life where they call the shots, and I cheer for you!

I am a person of one heart and sunshine. The world and I love you. ?

Good morning, I hope this message finds you well. I am writing in response to your recent query. Kind regards, Yi Ming

My name is Yi Ming, and I am a heart exploration coach.

I commend you for recognizing this issue.

I would be delighted to discuss this further with you and hope to be able to provide you with some comfort and inspiration.

1. Attempt to revert to your own standards in light of external commentary.

You stated that you were raised in an extremely attentive family and that you were consistently corrected and criticized. As a result, you have come to view yourself as a model of virtue in the eyes of others.

I extend my support and encouragement to you.

Individuals who have grown up in such an environment often feel rejected and helpless.

We question our capabilities.

When an individual places undue emphasis on negative feedback from external sources, it can lead to a fear of making mistakes and an increased susceptibility to anxiety.

I am pleased to inform you that you have already noticed this.

In such instances, it is advisable to take a moment for introspection.

It is important to provide yourself with encouragement and acceptance.

It is acceptable to occasionally underperform.

It is not uncommon for performances to be imperfect.

This may require an adjustment period.

It is to be expected that different people will have different opinions.

Even if an individual offers negative feedback, there may be others who provide positive input.

It would be beneficial to focus more on positive feedback from others.

As we gain experience and maturity, it becomes increasingly important to seek out new perspectives and insights.

Establish a standard for ourselves that can be attained without exerting significant effort.

2. Attempt to gain confidence in yourself and others.

During our formative years, we were constantly striving to adhere to the standards set by our external environment. As we mature, we still occasionally find ourselves behaving in a manner that aligns with the expectations of others.

It is important to recognize that individuals often have disparate standards.

This can effectively assist in returning to our own standards.

Additionally, we can endeavor to place trust in ourselves and others.

Trusting oneself means accepting one's shortcomings without concern.

It is not a significant issue.

Moreover, there are not a great number of individuals who are paying close attention to us.

This may help to create a more relaxed atmosphere.

It is important to note that while criticism may have been a feature of our upbringing, it is not a universal experience.

We endeavor to be tolerant of others, and they will likely be tolerant of us in return.

The quality of a relationship is contingent upon the nature of the interactions between the parties involved.

It is possible to proactively identify and cultivate relationships that are beneficial to one's personal and professional growth.

I would recommend The Power of Other People: How to Seek Out the Relationships That Will Benefit Your Life as a valuable resource.

It is possible to identify and terminate relationships that are detrimental to our well-being, and to cultivate beneficial connections instead.

To achieve this, it is necessary to identify individuals with whom we can establish a trusting relationship, to adopt a positive attitude towards our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and to be willing to seek assistance when required.

This is a challenging concept to implement, and requires a certain degree of exploration and practice.

It would be beneficial to adopt a more positive outlook on oneself.

Additionally, it is possible to request and obtain positive feedback in a timely manner.

However, monitoring and responding to external feedback promptly can help us refrain from unduly concerning ourselves with the opinions of others.

This necessitates inner stability and the conviction that, despite imperfections, one's value is intrinsic.

This will help us to remain undaunted by gains and losses.

Accepting oneself is a lifelong process.

Each individual has their own unique approach.

It is recommended that you leverage your strengths and implement gradual changes.

It is not necessary to make a complete change all at once.

Given our familiarity with the previous pattern, the key is to build on our existing experiences of effective social interaction.

Over time, you will find that social anxiety and fatigue will gradually subside.

You may also find it beneficial to read the book High Sensitivity is a Gift.

It means learning to resolve internal conflicts and embrace your authentic self.

Furthermore, you will learn to recognize emotions, consider the positive aspects more, and recognize that your own filters may influence your perception of others' anger. This will help you to remain unaffected by such situations.

It is important to remember that progress is made in small steps. We aim to document our progress, including new experiences, things to be grateful for, and other developments, in a relaxed and informal manner.

Please feel free to share these.

Best regards,