Her settings must be followed. Why does Mom have such a behavioral reaction?

After reading it, I can empathize with the sudden and helpless conflicts you face with your mother. We all hope that home is a haven full of love and warmth, and your mother's behavior does reduce the sense of happiness. However, these can be improved.

From a psychological perspective, mom's behavior is related to her "desire for control." The desire for control is a belief that one's actions will lead to a desired outcome.

A mother who feels she can control the running of the household will feel secure. However, if this sense of control is threatened and the balance is upset, she may become anxious or angry and lose control of her emotions.

Everyone has their own unique behavior patterns and ways of dealing with problems. Mom's behavior and reactions stem from her many years of accumulated habits, her self-worth, and her sense of responsibility towards the family.

She sees herself as the family's dietitian and daily life manager, and she's good at it. She's made this her area of expertise.

She will act this way when she feels her family is acting against her expectations. In this situation, communicating with her before acting will make her feel respected and greatly reduce her overreactions.

When mum pushes a certain food and it causes a repeat, we can adjust our mentality and behavior. When we say no to her, we can understand that she is worried about our health, so it doesn't matter if we eat less in front of her. But if she recommends eating this food with great enthusiasm, we can eat more if we like it, or taste it in moderation if we don't like it, without having to accept it all. We can communicate more with mum on this issue, express our preferences, and hope that mum can also understand us. Food is a kind of enjoyment, and it is even more blissful to taste it with family. Avoid conflicts over eating and not eating, and eating more or less. Find a balance between the two, understand each other, and be tolerant of each other.

When mum wants to arrange things for us, we can and should express our own ideas and wishes. By gradually showing our independence and maturity, we can make sure that mum will gradually realize that we need more freedom and space, and change her mindset.

The family is a place full of love and warmth. We all know that her actions come from a place of love and concern for us. However, some of her actions may be troubling and frustrating for us. This is a common situation in life. You can improve the situation through communication and understanding, and face her actions with an accepting attitude. You can also enrich her life according to her interests and help her feel a sense of achievement in her own world, thereby reducing your excessive attention.

Use love and tolerance to resolve the situation. Don't dwell on your mother's behavior and reactions. You will learn how to get along with each other with time. Your relationship will become more harmonious. Home will always be a safe haven.

Hello.

Sometimes I get depressed by her control. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words in the face of her contradictions. I don't feel equal to my mother, and it makes me feel very frustrated.

Mom has her own logic.

We have contradictions too. The rabbit doesn't eat the grass around the nest. Proximity to water means getting the moon first. Staying pure in the mire, those close to red will be red and those close to black will be black.

These sentences are self-contradictory.

Her paradoxes are meant to explain things in a favorable way.

Eat less means pay attention to food safety. Eat more means pay attention to nutrition. She is angry because Dad didn't wash her clothes with his, which wasted Dad's laundry time and disrupted her schedule.

Her logic is always explained in a way that helps her stay calm.

Mom is controlling. Controlling is the absence of boundaries.

She thinks you're inseparable. She's not let you be yourselves, and she hasn't let herself be herself. She seems in control, but she's trapped too. She's dedicated to the family.

Dad's clothes are like yours, and so are your housework.

She only feels useful when she can control you.

Mom needs care and recognition.

Acknowledge her first, then express your thoughts.

In the scene where you eat, Mom, you know best about nutrition. You cook well, but I can't eat anymore.

Try it.

Good luck!

Hello, question asker!

After carefully reading your description of the problem, I feel that you have some negative emotional experiences because you always feel in your interactions with your mother that she has her own set of rules that everyone else must follow, or else the sky will fall. This is an excellent opportunity for you to gain some valuable insight!

I'm excited to offer some advice for your consideration!

As you described it, "From time to time, I am quite speechless by her contradictory actions" and "I always hear her complain about how her father is bad at this and that."

During the process of living and growing up in the original family, some intentional or unintentional words or deeds of the mother can indeed easily make the younger generation feel uncomfortable. But, this is an opportunity for growth!

This has led to some pretty intense negative emotions, like feeling "speechless" and "so difficult."

This negative emotion can actually restrict one's natural and normal psychological perception, which can result in some negative perceptions of the mother.

The good news is that although the influence of such negative emotions is objective, it does not justify blaming oneself, rejecting oneself, or feeling helpless.

As the great psychologist Adler says in The Courage to Be Disliked, "Reduce some of the blame, don't rationalize, and don't blame others with an attitude of thinking you are responsible for their lives."

The good news is that the mother's current problems are life issues that she can face herself.

As you grow up and she gets older, it may lead to certain changes in her perception and emotions, which is totally normal! Sometimes she may act in a contradictory way and become short-tempered, but that's okay!

This may be due to her unique personal experiences, values, and emotional changes, which is an amazing opportunity for you to learn more about her and connect with her on a deeper level.

So, here's the good news! You can avoid repeating or reinforcing the unnecessary causal connection between your words and actions when spending time with your mother and your current negative emotional experience.

Do your best to avoid direct conflict with your mother and adopt a calm attitude instead.

As a junior, you have the amazing opportunity to express your understanding and respect for your mother while also sharing your own opinions.

These can help relieve family tensions and promote healthier intimate relationships!

It is also recommended that you take the initiative to step out of negative emotions, establish normal and extensive relationships and connections with other people, and surround yourself with enough positive social relationships and interactions. This is a great way to boost your confidence and make the most of your social life!

In that way, you will become more and more confident and at ease! You'll be free to spread your wings and fly!

In fact, at this very moment, you are taking concrete steps to establish extensive social connections! You are clearly perceiving your problems and facing them head-on. You are actively seeking support and help on platforms to help yourself. Keep up the great work!

I truly believe that you can find yourself again in your interactions with your mother, reconcile with your biological family, and start a new life of your own!

I really hope the above is of some help to you!

Greetings. I am the Heart Exploration coach, Gu Daoxi Fengshou Slender Donkey.

I empathize with the sentiments expressed by the questioner, and I extend my support and understanding through a gesture of physical comfort.

From the questioner's statements, it is evident that the questioner's mother typically invests a considerable amount of energy into the family and does not have her own social circle. This may result in her paying close attention to every detail, which could potentially lead to a tendency to nag, thereby causing difficulties for family members.

An individual's manner of speech may be influenced by the environment in which they were raised during childhood, and the communication habits and cognitive patterns that developed over time may be challenging to alter. It is important to recognize that the question asker's actions may not be the primary factor in their mother's demands.

It may be challenging to alter the manner in which an individual has been accustomed to communicating over the course of a lifetime. The questioner may be capable of disregarding the emotional nuances in their mother's words and instead focus on the underlying essence of their mother's care for them, which may contribute to a greater sense of relaxation.

In my mother's eyes, her child is always her child, regardless of their age. I recall that when my grandmother was alive, she was perpetually concerned that my younger brother would be unable to care for himself, and she paid close attention to every detail of his attire, sustenance, accommodation, and conduct. The questioner may endeavor to discern the essence of her mother's affection for her.

It can be reasonably assumed that everyone has some degree of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) tendencies. The questioner may attempt to discern which of her mother's communication habits are compulsive and which are merely her way of nagging, seeking attention and praise.

Perhaps a shift in perspective is warranted. It would be prudent to prioritize spending time with one's mother and to value the time spent together. When one has a family of one's own in the future, the time available to spend with one's parents will likely be limited. It is important to avoid the regret of wanting to care for one's parents but being unable to do so.

In the past, it may have been challenging to decline our mothers' demands, particularly if they were unreasonable. However, as we have matured, we have gained the capacity to choose our desired lifestyle. It is now possible for us to adopt a filial attitude while maintaining our independence from our mothers' expectations. We have the freedom to decide what is best for us, even if it differs from our mothers' advice. While our mothers have the right to express their opinions, we also have the right to disregard them.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether your mother's complaints are indicative of a hidden need for respect and praise. When she provides labor but does not receive emotional value, it may be the case that she desires to attract attention in a different way.

It is strongly advised that readers familiarize themselves with the text entitled "A Change of Heart."

I wish you the best of success in your endeavors.

Hello, I'm FFF, the person who responded to your message. I can see that what you're going through is really tough, and it's totally normal to feel the way you do.

You said you feel at a loss for words and confused when you get along with your mother. I can relate to that. Everyone's family environment and upbringing will influence their behavior and thinking patterns. Your mother may also exhibit these seemingly contradictory behaviors because of her own experiences and beliefs.

I'll try to look at this from a few different angles and suggest a few ways to handle it.

First, try to see your mother's point of view. Maybe she's just looking out for the family. She might think she's doing the right thing and trying to protect you and the family, even though it might be confusing and stressful for you.

From a psychological standpoint, this contradictory behavior may be due to cognitive dissonance, which refers to the uncomfortable feeling that a person experiences when holding two or more conflicting beliefs or attitudes at the same time. To reduce this discomfort, people may behave inconsistently.

When you're talking to your mother, try these approaches:

1. Show her respect by first expressing your understanding, then giving your opinion. For example: "Mum, I understand that you're advising us to eat less of a certain food because you mean well, but I think it's still okay to eat it in moderation."

2. Use "I" language: Share your feelings, not direct accusations. For example: "Mum, when you said that Dad shouldn't do his own laundry, I felt a bit confused because I think he's helping to share the housework."

3. Stay calm and patient. Avoid discussing emotional issues and choose a time when everyone is calm to communicate.

You could try sharing some of your own experiences or feelings with your mother to help her understand your point of view. For example, you could say something like, "Mom, you remember that I also learned a lot when I raised my daughter, so I think I can still handle things like hanging laundry."

It might help to see things from your mother's perspective. For example, she may sometimes act overprotective or controlling because she's worried about the health of her family.

You can talk to her about her concerns and see if there are better solutions.

You said your mom likes to see herself as the caregiver. Maybe she finds her own value and meaning in that role. You can try to help her find other ways to feel valued, like doing activities together that she likes.

Finally, I suggest you read some books together on family communication and relationships, such as Intimacy or Nonviolent Communication. These books offer lots of practical advice and methods to help you understand each other better and improve your relationship.

I hope these suggestions are helpful and that you'll find your family relationships becoming more and more harmonious!

Good day. I am Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who employs the use of imagery to facilitate understanding.

The questioner provides examples of her mother's contradictory behavior and inquires as to the cause of this behavior. Based on my experience, I hypothesize that her mother is so afraid of becoming useless that she is driven to constantly seek opportunities to feel useful.

It is imperative that she vocalize her contributions when others are remiss in doing so, and similarly, when others succeed, because she truly requires this sense of existence to substantiate her value.

In the recent film My People, My Homeland, the daughter inquires of her mother after assisting her with a task, "Mother, I am clumsy, but I am still a useful person, correct?" If this mother responds in the affirmative or with a dismissive "that's nothing," whether in an encouraging or negative tone, they are both typical responses in the conventional sense. However, they will also engender significant internal conflict for the daughter's future, as she will strive to become "useful" to the detriment of her own wellbeing and the original purpose of life, which is to simply be alive.

However, this mother's response offered a novel perspective on the concept of usefulness. She inquired, "What do you understand by the term 'useful'? Were you born to serve others?"

Consider the trees and grass in the meadow. Some people consume them, some utilize them, and thus they are regarded as useful. However, if no one consumes them, they can simply remain in the meadow, free and content.

"

The mother in question appears to exhibit behaviors that are both unreasonable and inconsistent. However, it is possible that she is driven by an underlying sense of insecurity. It is evident that she desires to be of value to her family. The questioner has already fulfilled the role of raising their child to adulthood, and it is likely that the parents in this situation are also no longer young. It is futile to attempt to alter the mother's deeply entrenched thoughts and behaviors. Instead, it would be more productive to strive for understanding and acceptance.

In instances where one's mother may appear to be acting in a way that is inconsistent with societal norms, it is important to maintain an objective perspective. Despite these instances, it is essential to recognize that the individual in question still possesses capabilities that are worthy of respect. Everyone has the right to choose their own way of life, whether it is the pursuit of usefulness or the pursuit of freedom. It is crucial to acknowledge that these choices should be respected and understood.

It is important to note that accepting and understanding her does not imply any form of unfairness towards oneself. Instead, it represents a process of personal growth and the associated joy. Furthermore, this growth can act as a barrier against the influence of family generations.

It would be advisable to adopt a more conciliatory approach when communicating with your mother. One possible course of action would be to say, "Mum, I'm a bit confused. You just told us that this dish is no good, but now you're telling me to eat it."

"Can we discuss the matter further after dinner?" This allows the subject to express their confusion and provides an opportunity for the mother to clarify her thoughts.

Your understanding and care will foster a sense of love and support, which will also contribute to the development of a harmonious and intimate relationship. It is truly a blessing to allow her to continue being a "useful" individual and to have the freedom to act in a way that may be perceived as "wasteful" in front of her mother.

I wish you the best of success!