How can an individual with a love deficiency personality freely love and be loved?

I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you, host.

A deficiency in feelings of love can be attributed to an insufficient level of self-love.

I have attended a course on self-love taught by Mr. Zhou Fan, and I found it profoundly impactful.

Some individuals possess an acute understanding of self-love. Those who love themselves exhibit a profound sense of self-worth and perceive the ability to give and receive love with minimal effort.

Such individuals do not experience persistent concern about being abandoned by their partners and instead feel a robust sense of security in the relationship.

In the event of a superior career opportunity, one will endeavor to pursue it and accept it with an open heart, free from fear or anxiety.

Upon encountering an individual with whom they are interested, they will exert considerable effort to gain the other person's affection. Once a relationship is established, they will not experience feelings of inadequacy. Instead, they will hold a profound conviction that they are the most suitable partner for the other person.

Such individuals will engage in serious and unreserved romantic attachment, eschewing any inclination to test the sincerity of their partner.

Furthermore, when such individuals perceive the dissolution of a romantic relationship, they are unlikely to compromise their principles or engage in self-destructive behaviors as a means of retaliation.

Such individuals possess a profound understanding, rooted in their intrinsic values, that no external factor can supersede their intrinsic value and the pursuit of their own happiness.

Indeed, individuals born into these circumstances are predisposed to self-love. From the moment of birth, they are inundated with affection from their primary caregivers, instilling in them a sense of self-worth, entitlement, and the belief that their emotions are deserving of respect.

The capacity to love oneself is a skill that can be developed.

Some individuals are not predisposed to self-love and develop this capacity over time.

Following the experience of significant distress and adversity, these individuals ultimately ceased utilizing these inquiries as a rationale for disparaging others and instead began employing them as a catalyst for personal growth and development.

During their formative years, the individuals in question were also raised by caregivers who were themselves afflicted by fear and exhaustion, and who were therefore unable to provide sufficient love and care. As a result, they were subjected to a considerable degree of harsh criticism, neglect, restrictions, comparisons, ridicule, and judgment.

Over time, individuals may internalize negative beliefs such as "I am not good enough," "I am not worthy of love," "My thoughts and feelings are inconsequential, whereas the opinions of others are paramount," and "I am a constant burden and a source of trouble for others."

Such individuals tend to adopt a persona that is characterized by a heavy mask of personality, whereby they strive to please others, suppress their own needs and desires, and behave in a manner that is perceived as socially acceptable.

Such individuals believe that this is the only way in which they can be liked by others, yet they are also fearful because the self that they present to the world is not the genuine self. Regardless of how well they perform, there is always an internal voice that tells them that they are not good enough.

However, when they are in a relationship, they also experience feelings of insecurity and frequently question whether their partner truly loves them.

As they begin to awaken and grow, they will begin to re-examine their lives and themselves, break away from their old ways of thinking, and upgrade their thinking.

They were born lacking the capacity to love themselves. However, as a result of their experiences of not loving themselves, they will be able to comprehend the value of self-love when they learn to love themselves anew.

Furthermore, these individuals will put an end to the intergenerational cycle within their family.

Such individuals will not perpetuate the same patterns in their children; rather, they will provide unconditional love and support, thereby fostering a sense of love and strength within their children.

The question thus arises as to whether self-love is selfish.

The concept of "loving oneself" is often perceived as a selfish act by many individuals.

Indeed, self-love is not inherently selfish; however, imposing one's desires on others is.

Once individuals have acquired the ability to love themselves unconditionally and to achieve personal happiness, their capacity for love will naturally extend to others.

The notion that self-love equates to pursuing one's personal preferences and aspirations is a pervasive one.

This is accurate, but it is essential to acknowledge that there is a fundamental premise underlying this assertion: namely, that it is not possible to compel others to act in ways that satisfy our own needs.

It is possible to engage in activities that align with one's preferences and pursue a lifestyle that is personally fulfilling. Seeking assistance and guidance on the journey towards attaining one's aspirations is acceptable, but it is not feasible to compel others to relinquish their own decisions or to coerce them into compromising their interests for the sake of achieving one's own goals.

In reality, however, it is not uncommon for individuals to engage in self-centered behaviors rather than self-love.

Loving oneself is a challenging endeavor. It necessitates the ability to assert, in the face of any obstacle, that one is inherently worthy and deserving of acceptance and love. This assertion requires a rejection of the tendency to judge oneself against external standards.

I embrace my identity as a unique individual.

It is only through this process that one can achieve a state of joy and peace.

Furthermore, the love that is sought from others is contingent upon an exchange and is therefore transient. It does not provide the individual with inner peace, but rather instills a sense of unease.

It is imperative to love oneself and to practice unconditional acceptance of oneself.

A considerable number of individuals reserve their self-love on the condition that:

I esteem myself when I am young, physically attractive, in good health, and in optimal physical condition.

I love myself when I am capable, affluent, have made prudent decisions, or when my career is thriving.

Conversely, as one ages, the appearance of spots and wrinkles on the face, as well as the development of a belly, can lead to feelings of self-loathing.

In the event of encountering circumstances that are beyond one's control, such as financial difficulties, unemployment, or the consequences of poor decision-making, individuals may experience a sense of doubt and self-denial.

A survey has revealed that a significant proportion of elderly individuals in our country are diagnosed with a major illness (or a serious chronic illness, such as diabetes, cirrhosis of the liver, or cancer) within the first year following their retirement.

Our culture encourages us to "contribute to society" and "become a useful person to society." These values also reinforce our conditional love for ourselves.

Upon retirement, elderly individuals, particularly those who previously held prominent leadership roles, may experience a sudden and profound decline in their sense of self-worth.

Their original sense of self-worth was based on a false sense of worth derived from a specific position or identity.

When they possess such an identity, they are quite satisfied with themselves and appear to love themselves greatly. However, when that identity is removed, their entire life becomes devoid of meaning.

Indeed, it can be argued that such individuals do not truly love themselves; rather, they love the identity they have acquired.

In the absence of this identity, individuals may be uncertain about their value and the extent to which they are still worthy of love.

It is imperative that we learn to love ourselves in a comprehensive and unwavering manner, which necessitates the capacity to love ourselves without any conditions or limitations.

There are no transactions, no conditions, and no judgments. This is the same love that the Earth has for all the creatures it gives birth to, and it is the same love that the sun has for us, shining down on us warmly, regardless of who we are, where we are, or what we have done.

When an individual is able to extend unconditional love to themselves, it is believed that all of the challenges they are facing in their lives will be resolved.

Your illness will be completely cured, your financial problems will be resolved, you will experience abundance and richness, you will begin to have intimate and trusting relationships, and many other miraculous and wonderful things will happen one after the other in your life. These outcomes are consistent with the legendary life of Louis Hay, the author of "The Reconstruction of Life."

It is imperative to cultivate unconditional self-acceptance on a consistent basis. As one's capacity for self-acceptance increases, a sense of inner harmony will emerge. This is a fundamental aspect of developing self-love. When an individual is able to fully accept and love themselves, it creates a ripple effect, influencing the way the world interacts with and perceives them.

The following section will delineate the practice of self-acceptance.

The difficulty in accepting oneself is related to one's growth experience. During one's developmental years, there is often a lack of unconditional acceptance, which can lead to the formation of a negative self-image. When faced with perceived shortcomings, an internal voice may emerge that negates and criticizes oneself.

Consequently, self-acceptance necessitates practice. It required a considerable length of time for me to achieve incremental improvement in my level of self-acceptance, and I still find it challenging to fully accept myself. However, based on my personal experience, the more we accept ourselves, the more confident we become, the more motivated we are to change, and our state continues to improve.

Accordingly, if self-acceptance is conceptualized as a skill that is continuously developed through practice, rather than an inherent trait, the acquisition of this skill can be facilitated through consistent training.

The following five methods, as outlined by clinical psychologists, may be employed to cultivate self-acceptance:

1. Formulate a goal for self-acceptance in your heart.

As posited by psychologist Jeffrey Zimbardo, the process of self-acceptance commences with the formulation of a clear intention. It is essential to establish a goal that aims to transform a world characterised by blame, doubt and shame into one that is founded upon principles of inclusion, acceptance and trust. This notion acknowledges that self-loathing is an ineffective conduit for attaining a fulfilling existence.

Sambur posits that establishing a goal of self-acceptance over self-hatred will initiate a chain reaction within the individual, facilitating adaptation to a life of peace.

2. Record your strengths.

It is recommended that each day, one should record one's strengths, affirm one's value, and engage in visualization exercises to identify one's strengths. This process can facilitate the discovery of one's strengths and enhance confidence levels when compared to the process of addressing weaknesses.

In the contemporary era, deficiencies can be offset through collaboration, while strengths serve to exemplify one's distinctive value.

3. It is recommended that the individual seek support from relationships.

It is beneficial to spend time with individuals who provide a sense of comfort, unconditional acceptance, support, and love. Forming a supportive relationship with such individuals can contribute to feelings of stability, peace, and joy.

4. Engage in intrapersonal communication with one's optimal self-image.

One may benefit from envisioning a scenario in which one interacts with one's optimal self. This could entail picturing the best self within one's being exiting one's physical form and observing one's present circumstances or situation, offering guidance on the most appropriate course of action.

This visual separation allows one to transcend the current self or suffering self and facilitates the utilization of one's inner wisdom—one's best self—to promote healing.

This exercise is designed to facilitate the development of optimal parenting skills and foster self-compassion and self-love. It can be utilized as a brief meditation practice during periods of distress or when seeking guidance or self-soothing.

5. Model the desired behavior until the objective is attained.

If one does not believe oneself to be a valuable person, it is first necessary to instill a sense of self-worth. Only when an individual can unconditionally accept themselves can they finally forgive their mistakes and give up the need for others' approval.

It is indisputable that we have committed errors in judgment, as have others. Nevertheless, our identity is not contingent on our mistakes.

When an individual lacks something within, they will seek it externally. If they are unable to accept themselves, they will particularly desire the acceptance of others. However, everything in the external world is inherently unstable. Therefore, the only way to achieve stable acceptance is to turn inward. When an individual has achieved self-acceptance, they will not be as concerned with the approval and evaluation of others, and they will gain true inner freedom.

I extend my best wishes to you.

Hello, host. I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to send a quick note to say hello and ask if you're doing well. I'm smiling, and I hope you are too.

From reading your description, I believe I understand the questions you want to ask. In this regard, I also want to offer you my support and encouragement.

From your description, I can see that you have a certain understanding and knowledge of yourself, and your self-knowledge is relatively clear. In other words, you know what kind of problems you have and the reasons for some of them. It seems that at the moment you are looking for a way to change the situation. So, I will share some ideas based on my own experience.

I believe what you mentioned in your description is actually the case for many people in life. While the details may differ from person to person, the general situation is likely similar. It's important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. Many people share similar personalities and have faced similar challenges. I am no exception. Due to the circumstances of my original family, I grew up lacking love, feeling inferior, and being afraid to express my true thoughts and feelings.

In this regard, I have also summarized some methods that I hope will help you alleviate your current situation to some extent.

(1) Being able to identify the issues and their underlying causes is a valuable first step. If you are interested in making changes in the future, you can take your time and not feel pressured to make immediate changes.

(2) Consider reconciling with your own family of origin, and be mindful of attributing your current challenges too heavily to your family of origin. Given that people have the capacity for subjective initiative and the right to make many decisions, it's important to recognize that the environment may play a role, but is not the sole determining factor.

(3) It would be beneficial to find a reasonable way to release your thoughts and feelings. One option could be to keep a diary to record your thoughts and feelings, or to talk to someone close to you.

(4) It is important to remember that we cannot always blame ourselves for the causes of some problems. Many issues arise from the two macro environments of family and society, and while we may try our best to change them, we cannot always control the circumstances. It is therefore helpful to accept that we cannot blame ourselves too much for these issues, and to choose to let ourselves off the hook.

(5) It might be helpful to try expressing your thoughts and feelings about things or people, rather than always trying to please others. Your thoughts and feelings are also important. At first, the people around you may feel that you are different from before, but if you persevere, you may discover a new world.

(6) It is often easier to change our minds than to take action and make a change. However, if we are determined enough and can accept the consequences of change, we can make it happen.

(7) It is important to learn to reasonably reject unreasonable requests from others, as we all have our own responsibilities to attend to. It is not necessary to be afraid of offending others and to refuse to do so.

I believe the world and I love you.

I wish you the best.