How can elderly parents improve their communication?

Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inquire about a matter that has arisen. Kind regards, [Name]

Good day. I apologize for the delay in my response to your inquiry. I can appreciate the distress you are experiencing.

Let's discuss the issues your parents are facing together.

From your description, it seems that you are a happy family. Your mother-physically-and-i-take-in-my-stepfather-yet-i-am-unaware-of-my-own-psychological-confusion-4217.html" target="_blank">father is an open-minded and reasonable person who is not particularly adept at expressing his emotions, which is consistent with the typical father role.

Your mother is warm-hearted, kind, strong-willed, and a worrier—the classic mother role. I am unsure if you have noticed, but the two of them actually get along quite well.

Regarding your brother-in-law's social engagements, your mother expressed her concerns because she felt sorry for your brother-in-law. She felt that it was already challenging for him to take so many people out for social events, and then he had to bring along a few guests because of your uncle's new wife, and even caused some difficulties. It is a woman's nature to express her concerns, and she also hopes to be acknowledged for her feelings.

You stated that your father is displeased with your mother's repeated requests and becomes angry, asserting that the issue is inconsequential and that it will not recur. Based on this information, it can be inferred that your father disapproves of the actions of your uncle's second wife.

He stated that it would never happen again. Has he already informed his uncles? It is possible that he is also experiencing internal distress.

In light of these circumstances, it is possible that the anger expressed by your father was not directed at your mother's nagging. It is understandable that you would feel discomfort when you hear your father make such statements.

As children, you observed your parents engaged in a heated discussion regarding this matter. Your mother even stated that she would never communicate with your father again. Understandably, you were concerned and sought to facilitate a resolution between them.

It is notable that the elderly have been through significant challenges together for decades and still maintain a high level of understanding. Do their frequent disagreements over relatively minor issues reflect a typical mode of interaction?

It would be beneficial to observe whether they truly become angry with each other.

If you would like to assist them, you may convey my analysis of the matter to them separately. In fact, what Mum is seeking is an opportunity to express her emotions and have her views and feelings acknowledged.

Additionally, it is possible that Dad has experienced some personal distress and may have acted without informing you because he is not particularly adept at articulating his emotions. Hearing what Mom said again caused him distress. It is likely that everyone shares this perspective.

Both parents have expressed disapproval of the behavior of your uncle's second wife.

In the future, should any dispute arise, it would be advisable to ascertain the underlying meaning behind their expressions and facilitate mutual understanding. This could involve seeking your father's assistance in empathising with your mother's emotions. This approach could help reduce the frequency of disagreements.

I hope you find my analysis useful. Best regards,

Thank you for your assistance.

Hello. I read your question and I'm here to tell you that you're not alone.

When I see your problem, I immediately think of a book called "If Parents Are Difficult to Get Along With in Their Old Age." This book talks about facing difficult parents. No matter how much reason you give, it may not always be useful. The fact is, parents need to be understood, not solved problems.

The book lists 41 types of troublesome behavior according to the degree of difficulty for parents to deal with and categorizes them into six major types.

For example, there is codependent behavior, cold-shouldering behavior, narcissistic behavior, controlling behavior, self-destructive behavior, and fearful behavior.

Parents who are already 78 years old need understanding, not problem solving, behavior change, or a review of mistakes.

They will only change if something very big happens, something that hurts, such as the loss of a loved one.

Your parents are used to this mode of communication. They have been communicating this way for decades. It may seem that changing is really good for both of you, but it is difficult for us to change ourselves, let alone ask other people to change.

When someone points out our mistakes, our first reaction is to refuse to listen, to deny the need to change. Others have the same mentality, and the most obvious example is rejection.

It is a defense mechanism.

I advise you not to expect your parents to change, but to try to understand them. Do your best, but accept that they may not change.

You do what you can as a child and you live up to what you should do as a child.

I am a Buddhist, and I am also a pessimist, an occasionally positive and motivated counselor, and I love the world.

Hello, friends who care about your parents!

First of all, the parents have already spent most of their lives together, with decades of marriage, and their interactions have formed their own patterns. To outsiders or their children, the problems may seem numerous, but they are very comfortable with it themselves. Of course, by this adaptation I don't mean that they don't get angry with this kind of interaction, but they know how the other person will react and how they will respond, and they're totally cool with it!

Secondly, let's look at the specific problem you described. Your brother-in-law invited relatives to go to the scenic spot to play, and your father's sister-in-law brought friends over, which was a great way to increase the fun and excitement at the event! As a reasonable father, he knows this, but as a relative of his own, since he brought people here, he can only accept it. After all, people come to him because of his relationship!

So when Mum criticizes her sister-in-law for being inconsiderate, Dad actually agrees with her! He doesn't say anything, but after Mum nags a few times, Dad gets annoyed.

This is a great opportunity to show your father some love and appreciation! He's the only one left who's willing to listen, so take advantage of that. It's like pointing a finger at someone's nose and saying, "Your family doesn't know how to behave." He might not be able to argue back, but that's okay! He'll probably just say that it's a trivial matter and that it won't happen again.

In this fascinating dance, the father sees the mother as a mirror, reflecting his own faults. The mother, in turn, sees the father as an argumentative force.

If you pay close attention, you'll see that this is a common dynamic in elderly couples. The mother often takes the lead, and the father may not respond immediately.

The mother kept talking, and the father choked on a few words, and she never wanted to leave him again!

Finally, don't worry too much about their communication. The good news is that if you can make peace at home, when you are with your father, you can try to understand his difficulties more.

When he's with his mother, just agree with her. You can reason with his father and focus on how his reasoning is right. When talking to his mother, focus on pleading, talking about how she has contributed to the family, how important she is, and how good she is for the family!

I really hope this helps!

Hopefully, my answer can be of some help to you.

First of all, I see that the original poster said that the parents are already 78 years old. With communication-13969.html" target="_blank">elderly parents, it's often more about understanding them than changing them. They've been together for so many years and will be the people who know each other best. Perhaps the minor issue that causes them to argue is not the only one, but there are many similar things, right?

This is just how they get along with each other, but they don't want to change it, and it's hard for us to change them either.

As a matter of fact, things like what you've described happen in our family all the time. For instance, my father-in-law and mother-in-law are quite similar. My father-in-law is also relatively taciturn and more reasonable, while my mother-in-law is warm and kind, has a very strong personality, and is worried about everything. They often argue. When I first married into my husband's family, I saw them arguing and was very worried, afraid that something would go wrong.

Later, I found out that this was actually their way of getting along. When they had conflicts, they didn't know what other ways they could use to adjust. They would only communicate in this way. But don't say it. Although this way isn't particularly good, it can also inspire them to say what they want to say. When both of their tempers have subsided, they will still consider each other's needs and feelings. So, over the years, although they quarrel, their relationship is still okay. My father-in-law can't live without my mother-in-law's care, and he doesn't feel good without the food she cooks. My mother-in-law can't live without my father-in-law's advice on important matters. If there's something that needs to be decided, she'll definitely need to listen to my father-in-law's opinion.

So, as a third party, it's also tough for us to get involved in their relationship and make changes unless we play a neutral role and provide guidance in a relatively good atmosphere, perhaps, in order to play a mediating role.

My advice is:

First, we have to accept that they are who they are. If they don't want to change, it's tough for us to change them.

As I said before, it's tough to change someone who doesn't want to change. If the parents feel like there's no need to change this way of getting along, there's no point in forcing them to change, right?

From what you've said, it seems like the father is more open to making changes. After the mother shared her thoughts, the father said he wouldn't let it happen again, which shows he's taken the mother's suggestions to heart. However, it seems like the mother isn't too keen on the father's approach. She feels like he keeps contradicting her, so she's not interested in talking to him anymore.

Did your mother speak with you privately? Did she speak with your father privately?

My sense is that Mom isn't totally at ease in the relationship. Rather than directly expressing this to Dad, she's telling you about it, right?

So, after listening to you, don't you feel a bit stuck and unsure of how to handle it?

As a general rule, if they don't communicate with each other directly and need a third party to mediate, there will still be deviations along the way because you're likely to be biased towards one side. So, the best approach is to first accept that the two of them are in this state and then maintain a neutral attitude and create a more suitable time for them to communicate directly.

Second, create the right opportunity for them to communicate directly.

The person who started the problem is the one who has to solve it. If you're the one trying to calm things down and convince them, it's not as effective as having a direct conversation between mom and dad.

You can show your mom you understand what she's going through and then find a good time for her to talk to your dad in a more constructive way.

Why is it important to consider the atmosphere and timing when communicating?

If someone is angry, their emotions are completely out of control, so there's no point in reasoning with them because they won't listen.

The book "Crucial Conversations: How to Communicate Effectively" says we should be two-core interlocutors, with one core responsible for the content and the other for the atmosphere and emotions. We should focus on our own emotions first, then tackle the matter at hand.

So, to get the best results from parent-child communication, it's important to choose the right time. You don't have to set aside a specific time to communicate, but you can talk and exchange ideas in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere during your daily lives. This kind of communication often makes a good impression and is more effective.

For instance, if you're having dinner with your mom and dad and everything's going well, you can bring up the topic you need to talk about. You can repeat what you said about the matter and then ask your mom, "You were so angry back then. What was the reason? What do you need from Dad so that you won't be angry anymore?"

At this point, listen to your mother and help her express her needs and expectations of your father. Then, ask your father, "Dad, why did you say that? What do you want your wife to do?"

"Try to help your father express his needs as well.

This way, you can ask a few more times back and forth to help them see their needs and expectations of each other, so they can understand each other better.

Third, it's important to explain why we're helping them communicate. It's not to prove who's right or wrong, but to help their relationship grow.

As a general rule, there are three main things that communication between a husband and wife can do:

1. Talk to each other so you can keep the other person in the loop. When you're facing things together, it shows that you're on the same team.

2. You can express your understanding of the other person and some of your needs, solicit and express opinions, and discuss ways to solve and handle things in an appropriate manner.

3. Let your partner know how you feel about them at any time. Show your appreciation, love, and devotion to maintain and strengthen the relationship between husband and wife.

In short, you need to make it clear that helping them communicate is to allow them to express each other's meaning to each other, negotiate and discuss the steps and direction to take together, such as what the other person needs to do if something like this happens again next time. The most important thing is to make each other feel close and be able to feel each other's needs, so as to improve the intimacy and satisfaction of both parties in the marriage.

So, as their kids, you just need to accept them and then try to create chances for them to communicate with each other. How well they communicate in the end is up to them. You can only control your own actions and thoughts and try to help them as much as you can. You can't replace the part that requires them to make adjustments on their own. Just do your best and go with the flow.

This is just a reference for you. Best wishes!

Hello!

I can tell from your story that you hope your parents can communicate well. I empathize with you.

The parents are 78 and have been together a long time. Their way of talking has become a habit. Changing this takes time. Do you agree?

Both parents are opinionated. This is good and bad. It shows trust and that they don't hide things.

If you want to work on this, I suggest the following methods.

?1. Talk to your partner one-on-one. Show you understand them by telling them how they make you feel.

?2. Ask what the other person is thinking and feeling, and what they want.

?3. Listening is a two-way process. You must understand the other person's feelings and needs as well as expressing your own.

4. Remind parents to check their messages and not to express emotions.

All complaints and accusations are really about unmet needs. Let love flow.

I'm a rain-soaked straw hat. I hope my sharing helps you!

Hello, I'm Shu Yiqingzheng. I'm here to share my thoughts and support you, who are feeling a bit at a loss.

First of all, you described the problem you encountered: what if your elderly parents can never communicate well?

You have described their different personalities. I can feel your love and attention for them inside. In particular, I can feel that your mother has suffered some injustice, which makes you feel very sad for her. You are also worried and anxious about how to help them communicate with each other better.

I'm hugging you again.

Your parents have many good qualities. They have lived their whole lives together and have long since developed a way of life and a way of communicating with each other.

Their communication problems are their responsibility.

At the same time, you believe they have the wisdom and love to handle their emotions and problems with each other on their own.

Second, you are self-aware of your inner feelings and needs, want to help your parents, and can actively seek help from psychology knowledge. You are great!

Your feelings need your attention right now.

In all relationships, you must always put yourself first.

Ask yourself what you are really worried about when you feel uncomfortable. Learn to care for yourself and grow yourself so that you can look at problems from more angles and with more strength.

At the same time, accept that your parents' relationship will have imperfections. No relationship is perfect, and you cannot change how they communicate.

You can and should try to express your feelings and needs to your parents using non-violent communication.

For example, you can say to your father, "You seem offended and angry at what your mother said. It seems your mother is also angry. I feel sad when you are unhappy."

We are a family, and you need to take care of each other's emotions and speak well to each other.

Nonviolent communication teaches us to pay attention to what is happening around us and to describe it in a neutral and objective way. Then we learn to express our feelings and understand what needs have caused them. Finally, we make specific, clear requests based on these needs.

Listen with concern, understand, and help others. This will lead to better interactions and better understanding.

It's about understanding our feelings and desires, using language consciously, expressing ourselves clearly and honestly, and listening to others. This nurtures respect, attention, and love for one another.

The world and I love you, and I'm here to help.

I am a psychosynthesis coach. If you want to continue the communication, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Good day, my name is Du Xi.

From your questions, I can discern your affection, consideration, and compassion for your parents. You have a deep understanding of your parents and hold them in high regard.

Such discord within the family may become a recurring issue. I suggest we have a discussion to see if this helps.

Your parents have been engaged in frequent disagreements over the years, and have developed a method of resolving them. One is prone to anger and verbosity, while the other is inclined to find fault and impatience. There is no definitive right or wrong, but rather a divergence of perspectives.

Jumping out of the situation, it became evident that your mother was unhappy because she felt your father was criticizing her in front of the children, which made her lose face. She was unable to relieve her embarrassment without becoming angry. Your father stopped her because he was afraid that the children would be upset if he kept on talking in front of them.

The two individuals are upset about a matter that is not the core issue at hand.

As children, it is inadvisable to attempt to resolve the issue at this time. Given the emotional involvement, what is required is a third party who can empathise with the situation, understand the emotions involved and provide support.

In a situation where all parties are present, it is inadvisable to take a stand. The recommended course of action is to change the subject first to deflect attention and provide an exit strategy.

As an alternative, you could consider discussing the photos you just took or what you are going to eat.

When planning future activities, avoid discussing the incident or the individuals involved.

Upon returning home, prepare a cup of warm water. Then, communicate with one of the elderly people in a private room, depending on the situation.

When communicating, it is important to allow the other person to express their emotions and grievances. Once they have finished, you can acknowledge their feelings and repeat what they have said. For example, you could say, "I understand your frustration."

Let her know that you are listening attentively. There is no need for further commentary. Expressing your emotions will effectively convey your position. Allow her to process your message and consider your perspective. It is essential to focus on the other person during communication.

It is important to avoid repeating information during communication. Instead, demonstrate your understanding of the other person's perspective. Refrain from engaging in arguments in front of others.

Going forward, it is advisable to refrain from discussing matters that may evoke negative emotions and instead focus on positive recollections.

I hope you find this message helpful. I wish the two elderly people well. I look forward to your reply.

I clicked in because I saw my parents growing old together, arguing until old age. This is how they are comfortable getting along.

Both parents are nearly 80 years old, and their mutual dependence and nagging is another "mode of getting along." We, as their children, must learn to let go and just be filial.

After years of couples counseling, it is clear that couples who always quarrel cannot live without each other in the end.

Those couples who don't speak and ignore each other are not amenable to reconciliation, regardless of how much they are persuaded.

Psychological studies have shown that quarreling couples are energy entangled. Couples who don't argue with each other lose this energy entanglement, which makes it easier for them to separate.

The older you get, the more difficult it is to change. This is another important reason for letting the landlord let go.

The parents have been together for so many years that they know this mode of getting along is harmonious. Even if they are at odds with each other, they can get by.

This has been through decades of friction.

Two conditions are required to change a person:

1. You have to feel pain to change. If you think you'll end up in trouble if you don't change, you'll change.

2. A major change has occurred, and it's time for a change.

The host parents have lived a good life, and they don't need to cater to society and make changes even as they grow older. They have got along well for so long, and there is really no great need to change.

The host does not need to do anything. They just need to change the way they communicate with their parents and be more filial. They should also spend more time with them.

At this age, parents are plagued by an unspoken fear: the unknown and the fear of death.

Their temper may become worse than before. Because of this worry, it is difficult to speak up, so they will vent through other ways.

You need to be more understanding, use humor to ease their anxieties and fears, and spend more time with them.

Many people know about filial piety: being good to your parents and giving them your company. However, they neglect the aspect of obeying them.

Do what your parents want, even if they're wrong.

We must respect their habits, as they have been used to going along with their parents' way of life for so many years.

We must respect their right to live their lives as they choose.

When parents argue, there's simply no point in trying to persuade them because they'll argue again next time.

Try a different approach. Make them happy, do what they want, and even let one of them vent to you.

Everyone laughs heartily, and the matter is settled.

Your family is happy, no doubt about it. You have relatives who help each other, and you even take the elderly out to play together. What a wonderful big family! You have mutual understanding, more companionship, and cherish such moments. That is happiness. I wish you both good health and a long life, and a harmonious and happy family.