How can I adjust and change myself if I am competitive and strong on the outside but vulnerable on the inside?

Good morning, my name is Yu Ting, and I am a psychological counselor.

I understand your dilemma: how do you adapt and evolve while maintaining a competitive edge and acknowledging your vulnerability?

My understanding of the questioner is as follows:

The questioner indicated that they are competitive, have a strong sense of self-esteem, and are unwilling to admit defeat. However, they also reported feeling weak, timid, and concerned about what others think. This suggests a discrepancy between the questioner's high expectations of themselves and their inner state. This discrepancy has likely caused distress and pain.

It is evident that this conflict with your colleagues has had a significant impact on you, causing you to feel anxious and uneasy. On the one hand, it is because you are vulnerable and afraid of conflicts with others; on the other hand, it is because you have been isolated by colleagues before, which has triggered the traumatic experience of being isolated in the past. Therefore, it is crucial for you to identify an effective solution to address the situation and alleviate your current anxiety and fear.

The following is a proposed analysis and solution to the problem:

Regarding the conflict with a colleague, I am unsure of the exact circumstances. If you believe you may have said something inappropriate or over the top, you have the option to apologize to your colleague. Individuals who take the initiative to apologize are often the most courageous, and it is not a sign of weakness. If we can take the initiative to apologize to the other person, we maintain control over the relationship.

If you believe you have not erred in any way, or if the other party persists in excluding you after an apology, there is no further action to be taken with regard to the conflict. It would be advisable to allow time to elapse. One course of action that may be beneficial is to be patient. Although this process may be somewhat challenging, if we persevere, it will be a growth experience that will make us stronger.

In the future, how can we avoid these kinds of situations, or how can we reduce these kinds of internal conflicts? I believe there are two possible courses of action. The first is to focus on self-improvement and strive to meet our personal standards. The second is to accept our temporary weaknesses and learn to manage them effectively. In essence, temporary weakness is an indirect process of strengthening ourselves internally.

These are my personal thoughts on the matter. I hope you find a solution to your problem and gain the freedom you seek.

Good day, host. When I read your description, I am struck by the resemblance to another version of myself. While I may appear outwardly strong, I am, in fact, internally insecure and acutely aware of my own worthlessness. At times, I even find myself complaining about the necessity of considering the feelings of others and the inability to simply be myself and act and speak as I please.

You are correct in your assertion that this phenomenon is shaped by our upbringing. The fact that you can discern this indicates that you possess a keen awareness. It would be beneficial to recall these experiences with greater detail: what did you hear and see, what meaning did you attach to what you heard and saw, what were your feelings about these meanings, what feelings did you have about these feelings, which of your defense mechanisms were mobilized, and what beliefs did you hold in this matter?

As a case in point, consider the following incident:

The auditory and visual stimuli that are perceived by the subject are as follows:

The colleague states, "You did not complete the task correctly."

In response, the subject inquires, "Is that right?"

The meaning that is ascribed to this incident is as follows:

The colleague is evincing a lack of accountability and exhibiting irrational behavior.

Please describe your emotional response to these meanings.

The emotions experienced were anger and a sense of injustice.

Please describe your emotional state in response to these feelings.

As her colleague, I am unable to lose my temper, as doing so would have a detrimental effect on our professional relationship. In addition, I feel aggrieved, hurt, and helpless, as though I have been rejected and ignored.

What defense mechanisms were triggered?

Such actions result in the accusation being internalized by the other party, who may then experience feelings of being accused.

In this matter, what are the established rules?

It is not acceptable for anyone to make derogatory comments about me without justification. I have a right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Colleagues should interact in a harmonious manner and engage in constructive dialogue.

I am not inclined to yield to pressure.

These are merely a sampling of the possibilities. One can readily discern that these rules, which were internalized during childhood, are now operating in a manner that is incongruent with their original intent. When one's actions do not align with the dictates of these rules, one may experience a range of emotional fluctuations.

The aforementioned sentiments were subsequently followed by a period of emotional turbulence, during which a number of defensive mechanisms were triggered. These included the tendency to accuse the other party of being untruthful and to give them the feeling of being accused. Additionally, the individual in question felt the need to assert their personal dignity and to emphasise the importance of harmonious relationships and open communication within the workplace.

In order to minimize the consequences of this situation, it is important to consider the resources that are available to you, such as your colleague. It is likely that she does not intend to cause further harm. In comparison to your leader, who also wants everyone to perform well and achieve results, he will provide assistance in his own way, for example, by getting along well with your colleague. In summary, it is advisable to consider the resources that are available to you and to look for ways to utilize them in order to achieve a positive outcome.

It is also important to consider the resources that are available to you in your immediate environment. For example, your colleague may be able to provide assistance or support in dealing with the situation.

Furthermore, engaging in regular outdoor activities, such as walking in natural environments, can facilitate the release of accumulated stress and tension.

It is recommended that further consideration be given to the aforementioned points.

It is my sincere hope that you will find happiness, which is the most important thing.

Insight into the mind, let sharing become a habit! I'm talking to myself.

Let's talk about your colleague conflict at work.

Don't dwell on the milk that's spilled.

You had a conflict with a colleague and lost control of your emotions. It's like spilled milk. You can imagine how you feel, but you know you can't drink it anymore.

If you dwell on it, nothing will change. What's done is done. If you don't accept it, it's pointless.

It's often useless and futile.

Your pain is your own doing.

You may feel unhappy when you hear this. I don't mean to provoke you.

No matter who you are, if you can think rationally, nothing can hurt you. What you call "psychological pain" is caused by how you think about things. For example, you had a conflict with a colleague because you lost control of your emotions and argued with them. This made you worry about your future relationships at work and fear being isolated.

You're afraid of being isolated because you've been isolated before.

You're causing yourself psychological pain by explaining this way.

The workplace is realistic and cruel, but friendly.

In the workplace, there may be minor disagreements with colleagues or superiors. These disagreements make the workplace more interesting and enriching. There are villains in the workplace, but most people are good.

Sometimes things go wrong with colleagues because we lack experience, temperament, or emotional intelligence. These are no excuse for mistakes. It's not scary to have problems, but it is scary to remain indifferent when you realize your mistake.

If you're at fault, apologize. If it's sincere, colleagues will understand.

Controlling emotions is a lifelong skill.

It's hard to describe emotional control in a few words. Everyone should take a course on it. No one can control their emotions. The idea of controlling emotions is only relative.

Some people are good at controlling their emotions, but that depends on the situation. If you put someone who is good at controlling their emotions in the same situation, it doesn't mean that person will still be okay. Therefore, emotional control is something everyone should learn.

Finally,

Friction with colleagues

Just like spilled milk.

It's done.

Don't dwell or question.

Grab the tools and clean up.

Open it.

Pour in the milk!

It's still sweet!

Hello, host. I hope my answer helps.

After reading your first sentence, I felt like I was seeing my former self. We have high expectations of ourselves, but we are not that "great." We don't approve of ourselves. We care about what other people think of us and hope that they will approve. But when we have conflicts with other people, we want to argue our case and win. Later, it brings us a lot of worry. We worry that the other person will not like us and will not be willing to cooperate with us. But if we encounter such a situation again, can we remain calm?

We must adjust from the root cause. Our competitiveness stems from our incorrect understanding of ourselves. We have not accepted ourselves, so we try to prove ourselves through competitiveness. Being concerned about others' opinions and social phobia are also due to our lack of inner strength. We are not confident enough, so we are afraid of facing the outside world.

To make a root adjustment, we need to accept our real, vulnerable, objective selves. We also need to build inner strength and learn communication methods to cope with life's difficulties.

My advice is:

Look at yourself from another point of view and accept your imperfect self.

In psychology, they say it's better to be a whole person than a good person. To be good is to live half of who you are. To be whole is to live your whole self.

We are all imperfect, and we all have a dark side. We try to ignore it, but it always comes back. If we try to suppress it, we will feel tired. But if we accept it and embrace it, we can live a complete life and be strong.

Try to see yourself from another's point of view. You have strengths and weaknesses. You have happy times, sad times, stressful times, and proud times. You are just like everyone else, with your own joys and sorrows, and your own happiness and worries.

When you accept your flaws, you can realize your potential, open up, and have confidence.

2. Build inner strength and support yourself.

To build inner strength, start with self-approval and self-support. When we dislike ourselves, our inner strength is weak.

Try the "I approve of myself" exercise. It's been shown to be effective.

Start today. In a month, repeat "I approve of myself" 300 to 400 times a day. You can recite this mantra as many times as you need to overcome a difficulty.

Repeat "I approve of myself" to yourself. This helps change your thinking patterns and become a person who approves of themselves.

We can also set small, achievable goals and work towards them. This helps us feel good about ourselves.

3. In relationships, deal with emotions, communicate well, and build relationships.

When we encounter conflict, it is easy to be controlled by emotions. This is probably because a lot of emotions that we have suppressed have just been triggered. So we need to release emotions frequently. You can use the following ways to release emotions: socialize with suitable friends and talk about your worries. Here, it is important to emphasize "suitable." Go exercise, relax your body and mind during exercise, and do writing therapy. You can also pound pillows and sandbags to release your anger. Use the empty chair technique to release emotions.

If you feel yourself getting angry, say so. Go to the bathroom or somewhere else to calm down. After a while, you'll feel better and can have a good chat.

How should you communicate with your colleague? Be honest about your feelings and needs. Show respect and care for the other person. Say you're sorry. Show that you care about the other person. They care about you too. They hope you like them.

Tell him you're sorry for arguing with him. Say you don't want to hurt him and you hope he'll accept your apology. Ask him how you can help.

Listen to him. Things might not be as bad as you think. If you talk, he'll see you're sorry. Then he'll say he's sorry too. If you keep talking, you won't fight and you'll get to know each other better.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!