How can I break the habit of always backing down and not daring to stand up for myself?

I would like to express my gratitude to you for placing your trust in me and providing me with the opportunity to respond to your question.

In the text, the questioner demonstrates a clear understanding of their behavioral pattern of "retreating to advance." They also exhibit a keen awareness of the perceived benefits of this pattern, which they associate with enhanced safety in relationships, the ability to garner goodwill from others, and a reduction in the attention and jealousy of others in general.

Indeed, it would be preferable to assert that there is no necessity to do so. It is possible to engage in open and honest competition with others and receive positive attention as a result. There is no requirement to present oneself as a "weak person" and work hard in secret, taking a detour to demonstrate one's capabilities.

The necessity of this action is contingent upon the questioner's psychological preparedness. Can the questioner accept the possibility of not being outstanding when acting in an open and honest manner? Can the questioner tolerate the tension of direct competition with others in person, as well as the frustration of not being as outstanding or of failing in competition?

The "turning" that occurs at the outset serves to facilitate self-expression, enable a degree of retreat when necessary, and foster a sense of ease. However, this approach can also prove confusing to those engaged in competitive interactions. In exchange for this flexibility, the individual must "turn" more frequently than their counterparts, expend greater time and energy, and adopt a less assertive stance, leading to a less comfortable lifestyle.

The questioner must now consider how they might break through and establish a new behavioral pattern. It is likely that change will occur at some point, although the length of time it will take is dependent on the questioner's perception of the safety factor in each environment.

The questioner may begin with minor tasks and familiar settings. To do so, simply eliminate the element that is perceived as "turning" and proceed directly to the remainder of the task.

I am firmly convinced that my response will be of some assistance to you. Best regards,

Hello, question asker!

I have read your detailed description and analysis of your own behavior patterns, and I have also read about the advantages of being in such a "weak" position. It's great that you've identified these! Being in this position can feel safer in relationships, allow you to win the goodwill of others more easily, and generally attract less attention and envy from others. I can see that you have a very strong sense of awareness and introspection, which is fantastic! It is true that we get so many benefits from this pattern that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the present.

This is why we need to keep our current status model!

Seeing our patterns and accepting our own patterns of behavior and thinking habits at the same time did give us support and protection at that time. With awareness and acceptance, there are so many choices! You can choose to continue in the comfort zone or you can choose to jump out and come into the circle of fear, learning and growth.

Or should we jump out and come into the circle of fear, learning and growth? I see the questioner's desire to establish a new behavior pattern!

How do we break out of this pattern? I can think of two things. First, analyze what happened to us. Is it related to our fears? "What will people think of me?" "Have I been noticed?" "Am I good enough? What will people think of me?"

How do we view ourselves?

How well do we know ourselves? Do we love ourselves enough? Let's find out!

And the second thing we can do is to trust ourselves! Maybe our parents were relatively low-key because of social and natural reasons, and we grew up obediently under their influence.

We are loyal to our parents and always act with respect. Born in the new era, we have the incredible opportunity to live our lives to the fullest, surpassing our parents and creating our own path in the world. "Mom and Dad, I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me. Thank you for bringing me into this world. I'm ready to embrace my own abundance and make my mark on the world."

We are all on the path of growth, and I truly believe you can live your dream life! Best wishes!

Good morning, my name is Zeyu.

When confronted with the challenge of "backing off first and not daring to express yourself directly," our recommended course of action is to first clarify the problem, then define it, and finally identify a solution.

In the questionnaire, the subject reports that this behavior pattern was suddenly discovered today and is now perceived as a problem. The subject indicates a desire to seek a solution. Previously, the subject's pattern was to become stronger and then confront the issue head-on. The subject has also provided their own opinion on this. The subject now wishes to change their strategy and start again. We will not comment on the previous pattern and will instead focus on understanding the new pattern.

The questioner also provided his own interpretation of "excellence in fair and square performance." Regarding the questioner's confusion regarding this model, my assessment is that the questioner's previous model can be understood as "miserable development, taken away in one wave." The questioner may have realized that he is already in a state of "six gods outfit," so there is no need to continue with the previous approach; he should simply proceed directly.

The development of things requires a certain process. Without previous development, it is unlikely that you would have today's positive attitude. From your description, it is clear that you have a plan for the new model of the future. The current question is about the pursuit of certainty and control. I can assure you that you are well prepared. Have confidence in yourself and proceed with determination!

The creation of a new model can begin with simple tasks. For events and changes, we can document the action plans we have in place. Each time we complete a task, it will contribute to our confidence. The replacement of the old model with the new one requires time and action. When taking action, it is easy to revert to the old model. There is no need to blame ourselves; we are simply accustomed to it.

It is important to be aware of your actions, including what you are doing, what you want to do, what plans you intend to implement, what tasks you intend to complete, and what methods you intend to use. When we are clear about the above, it is much easier to establish a new model. It takes a minimum of 21 days and a maximum of about 90 days to switch from old habits to new ones. Therefore, we should not be too harsh on ourselves when taking action.

When we take deliberate action, we may encounter numerous challenges. Therefore, the most crucial step in transforming the current situation is to cultivate a resilient mindset. One effective approach is to adopt the mindset of "if it doesn't get done, it doesn't get worse." This can serve as a powerful motivator to take action. Once we have stabilized, we can then focus on continuous improvement.

Ultimately, I hope that the original poster is able to achieve their desired outcome and become the best version of themselves.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

I appreciate your trust in me to answer your questions. It seems you are experiencing confusion and believe that your tendency to "always back off first and never come forward" is an obstacle to changing your behavior.

"After reading your detailed self-introduction, I have gained some understanding of you. If I might suggest, in order to gain insight into your habits, it would be helpful to first understand the reasons behind your behavior of retreating in order to advance. This will then allow you to change your habits.

1. Behavior habits

1⃣️, Hiding yourself

You say, "Today I had an epiphany. I've been repeating a pattern of behavior for years. I've been holding back from expressing myself and competing with others head-on. In some situations, I've unintentionally put myself in a position that makes me seem weak, which makes me realize that I still have work to do."

I believe that you may be seeking to safeguard yourself from potential envy and criticism by concealing your genuine capabilities. Your inclination to conceal your true self may be shaped by the influence of both familial upbringing and the broader social milieu.

For instance, you may have observed or undergone a comparable situation, which subsequently prompted you to safeguard your interests and adopt a more modest approach.

2⃣️, real experience

You say: It seems that this makes you feel safer in a relationship, and you can win the goodwill of others more easily, while attracting less attention and jealousy. Since childhood, although I have done well in school, I have never deliberately shown off my good grades.

When taking the college entrance exam, they initially faced some challenges, but with time and effort, they were able to overcome these hurdles and secure a place in a better school. When seeking employment, they explored opportunities beyond their comfort zone and demonstrated resilience in the face of setbacks, gradually advancing towards their desired career path.

They are aware of how to protect themselves.

From your account, it seems that you are aware of ways to avoid being the target of envy. You mention wanting to "reduce the attention and envy of others," which suggests that you are careful about how you present yourself.

It seems as though you have taken great care to protect yourself from potential challenges. It's possible that you may have experienced some form of hurt or witnessed similar situations. It's also possible that your parents or teachers may have offered guidance on navigating these situations.

It would seem that they lack confidence.

Your experience is quite similar to mine, and it brings to mind a saying from our era: "Modesty brings progress, arrogance brings regression." Teachers and parents often encouraged us to be modest.

The intention was to encourage us to be mindful of our actions and to avoid being too outgoing, showing off, or getting carried away, as these behaviors could potentially lead to unfortunate outcomes. In the past, even when children demonstrated remarkable abilities, it was uncommon to witness jealousy.

Nevertheless, this approach, which is often advocated by parents and teachers, does tend to suppress self-expression. People may find themselves in a somewhat distorted, hypocritical, and unconfident state as a result.

The child who is perceived as good by parents and teachers.

You prefer to work hard and quietly, biding your time, and feel that you are thoughtful and mature in your thinking. You are the good child in the eyes of parents and teachers.

2. Questions

You mentioned that there are still a few things that seem to have such traces. I wonder if it might be helpful to remind yourself that there is no need for this. You have the ability to behave in an outstanding manner and to compete with others for positive attention.

Perhaps we could consider ways of avoiding the need to wear the mask of a "weak person" and secretly make an effort to express yourself in a roundabout way. How might we understand this pattern better?

How might we find ways to break through and establish new patterns of behavior? Thank you all for your input.

1⃣️, Willingness

You seem to be interested in changing yourself and being true to yourself. It appears that your thinking has matured, and you are less likely to be disturbed by your environment.

It seems that you have developed the ability to come up with these ideas, which suggests that you have matured and are now better equipped to face your achievements and setbacks with a sense of balance. This could be an indication that you have gained a certain level of self-confidence.

You have gained an understanding of yourself, which has given you the will and confidence to be yourself.

2. Seek answers

Before being yourself, you may wish to consider exploring your past behavior patterns and the reasons why they occurred. This could help you to understand yourself better, change old behavior patterns, and establish new ones.

3. Answer

1⃣️, relationship with the upbringing in the original family

There are many reasons why you might want to understand your old behavior patterns. As I don't know much about your specific living and social environment, I have only listed some of the more common possibilities for your reference.

It is possible that the influence of the family environment will have some effect, although it is not certain what the proportion is. This is because the way each person behaves is not something they acquire when they grow up, but is inextricably linked to the upbringing they receive in their family of origin.

For instance, if your parents tend to be cautious and modest in their approach to life, they may often remind you of the same things.

2⃣️, related to your personality

It seems that your modesty and desire to avoid the limelight may be related to your personality. You may be a calm personality type.

It may be helpful to consider that calm personalities tend to have:

It would be fair to say that you have a slow and deliberate approach to life, are cautious, gentle and stable, and are driven by a desire for harmony.

Your strengths may include being easy-going, adaptable, thoughtful, and tolerant.

Some might perceive these qualities as disadvantages, including a tendency to be slow and lazy, a lack of willingness to repent, a preference for remaining silent, and a tendency to be indifferent to the actions of others.

Indeed, you are cautious in your dealings with others, comfortable with whatever life throws at you, and able to advance or retreat as needed. After failing the college entrance exam, you regrouped and got into a better school. At work, you first endured and built up your strength in preparation for better development. This is inseparable from your careful and calm thinking.

I wonder if I might suggest some new behavior patterns.

I believe that, given your clear idea, there is no need to have too many thoughts and concerns. Perhaps you could just do it when you think of it.

I believe that cognitive improvement is an important aspect of this process.

Perhaps you could say, "I've realized that there's no need to do so." You can compete with others and gain positive attention from others by being outstanding and honest. There's no need to wear the mask of a "weak person" and work secretly to show yourself in a different light.

This could be seen as proof that you know yourself well and have full confidence in yourself. It might also be considered a major improvement in self-awareness.

Self-awareness can be defined as the understanding of one's own physical and mental characteristics. It is a complex psychological process that consists of three psychological components: self-knowledge, self-experience, and self-control.

It may be the case that until a good balance of self-knowledge, deep experience, and self-control is achieved, the desire to change may not arise. It is possible that only when self-awareness has improved will the courage to change emerge.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider ways to build confidence.

You are not interested in presenting yourself in a false light; you want to reveal your true self. This is sufficient to demonstrate that you have the capacity to resist pressure, to take responsibility for the consequences, to face criticism without fear, and to approach everything with an open mind, which suggests that you are full of confidence.

You have the knowledge and confidence to make your own decisions, so there is no need to worry. Just do what you believe is the right thing to do. This is the new model. The worst that can happen is starting over.

I can see that you have determination and confidence. I would encourage you to do what you feel is right.

I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy life!

Hi there!

Hey there! I saw your story. When you're in a new environment or going through an environment adaptation period, it's natural to feel a bit out of sorts and to have a harder time expressing yourself. This can create a bit of a disconnect between your objective self-evaluation and your actual experience, which can lead to a sense of conflict.

And to evaluate yourself correctly, forming a unified self-perception.

There's a pattern of behavior that's been going on for a while now: it's about being afraid or not wanting to express yourself and compete with others head-on.

On the other hand, it's easy to show your weaknesses in some situations. You end up in a position where it looks like you still have a lot to learn.

This makes you feel more secure in relationships, more able to win the goodwill of others, and less likely to feel jealous.

Since childhood, I've never tried to show off my good grades, even though I've done well in school.

As we grow up, we replace our self-perception system. On the one hand, changes in the environment, such as our parents' education, schooling, and social influence, cause us to adapt and change. Our perceptions, values, and other concepts evolve until the next environmental change requires a shift.

So, a person's behavior is the result of long-term learning. It's also affected by the environment and changes in an individual's attitude towards the environment.

Then, we have a breakthrough in understanding our own behavioral responses. For example, the questioner realizes that his behavior is a response to a specific environment, but he is not completely sure where his own internal needs come from. Regarding this part, the questioner mentioned that it may be to ease the tension with others, to make himself feel safer, and to reduce the jealousy of others. But why do we have to consider the feelings of others every time, instead of expressing ourselves in a reasonable environment?

How does it make you feel when you see others getting jealous?

Our feelings and thoughts have the biggest impact on our behavior. For instance, if it gets cold, we'll reach for a blanket without even thinking about it. And if we're around someone we don't like, we might not want to stick around and turn around and leave. Our behavior is directly influenced by our feelings and thoughts. The subconscious mind also plays a role, but it's usually more hidden. We only notice the influence when we want to make an immediate change.

Before you react to a situation, it's important to understand the root of your emotions and become more aware of your feelings. This will give you more freedom to choose your actions and prevent you from falling into habits without thinking, which can lead to stronger emotional reactions and responsibilities.

Learn to relieve stress and fight for yourself.

I suddenly want to tell myself that there is actually no need to do so. You can be outstanding and compete with others to gain positive attention from others. There is no need to wear the mask of a "weak person" and work hard in secret, then turn a corner to show yourself.

So, how can we make sense of this pattern? How can we break it down and create a new model of behavior?

It's worth noting that when it comes to competition, the questioner mentioned the word "weak." In an environment where competition is fierce and "being different" is not allowed, how can you express yourself in a way that will be accepted by everyone and make you feel relaxed? The questioner's feelings and confusion about this part have not been resolved, and "acting weak" is the only coping method the questioner has learned and perceived. However, if we express our position and emotions, we also feel constrained and unable to relax. Others are also unable to properly understand and interpret our needs, so as to give us a real response.

Just take your time.

Best of luck, and keep up the good work!