Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.
I appreciate your trust in me to answer your questions. It seems you are experiencing confusion and believe that your tendency to "always back off first and never come forward" is an obstacle to changing your behavior.
"After reading your detailed self-introduction, I have gained some understanding of you. If I might suggest, in order to gain insight into your habits, it would be helpful to first understand the reasons behind your behavior of retreating in order to advance. This will then allow you to change your habits.
1. Behavior habits
1⃣️, Hiding yourself
You say, "Today I had an epiphany. I've been repeating a pattern of behavior for years. I've been holding back from expressing myself and competing with others head-on. In some situations, I've unintentionally put myself in a position that makes me seem weak, which makes me realize that I still have work to do."
I believe that you may be seeking to safeguard yourself from potential envy and criticism by concealing your genuine capabilities. Your inclination to conceal your true self may be shaped by the influence of both familial upbringing and the broader social milieu.
For instance, you may have observed or undergone a comparable situation, which subsequently prompted you to safeguard your interests and adopt a more modest approach.
2⃣️, real experience
You say: It seems that this makes you feel safer in a relationship, and you can win the goodwill of others more easily, while attracting less attention and jealousy. Since childhood, although I have done well in school, I have never deliberately shown off my good grades.
When taking the college entrance exam, they initially faced some challenges, but with time and effort, they were able to overcome these hurdles and secure a place in a better school. When seeking employment, they explored opportunities beyond their comfort zone and demonstrated resilience in the face of setbacks, gradually advancing towards their desired career path.
They are aware of how to protect themselves.
From your account, it seems that you are aware of ways to avoid being the target of envy. You mention wanting to "reduce the attention and envy of others," which suggests that you are careful about how you present yourself.
It seems as though you have taken great care to protect yourself from potential challenges. It's possible that you may have experienced some form of hurt or witnessed similar situations. It's also possible that your parents or teachers may have offered guidance on navigating these situations.
It would seem that they lack confidence.
Your experience is quite similar to mine, and it brings to mind a saying from our era: "Modesty brings progress, arrogance brings regression." Teachers and parents often encouraged us to be modest.
The intention was to encourage us to be mindful of our actions and to avoid being too outgoing, showing off, or getting carried away, as these behaviors could potentially lead to unfortunate outcomes. In the past, even when children demonstrated remarkable abilities, it was uncommon to witness jealousy.
Nevertheless, this approach, which is often advocated by parents and teachers, does tend to suppress self-expression. People may find themselves in a somewhat distorted, hypocritical, and unconfident state as a result.
The child who is perceived as good by parents and teachers.
You prefer to work hard and quietly, biding your time, and feel that you are thoughtful and mature in your thinking. You are the good child in the eyes of parents and teachers.
2. Questions
You mentioned that there are still a few things that seem to have such traces. I wonder if it might be helpful to remind yourself that there is no need for this. You have the ability to behave in an outstanding manner and to compete with others for positive attention.
Perhaps we could consider ways of avoiding the need to wear the mask of a "weak person" and secretly make an effort to express yourself in a roundabout way. How might we understand this pattern better?
How might we find ways to break through and establish new patterns of behavior? Thank you all for your input.
1⃣️, Willingness
You seem to be interested in changing yourself and being true to yourself. It appears that your thinking has matured, and you are less likely to be disturbed by your environment.
It seems that you have developed the ability to come up with these ideas, which suggests that you have matured and are now better equipped to face your achievements and setbacks with a sense of balance. This could be an indication that you have gained a certain level of self-confidence.
You have gained an understanding of yourself, which has given you the will and confidence to be yourself.
2. Seek answers
Before being yourself, you may wish to consider exploring your past behavior patterns and the reasons why they occurred. This could help you to understand yourself better, change old behavior patterns, and establish new ones.
3. Answer
1⃣️, relationship with the upbringing in the original family
There are many reasons why you might want to understand your old behavior patterns. As I don't know much about your specific living and social environment, I have only listed some of the more common possibilities for your reference.
It is possible that the influence of the family environment will have some effect, although it is not certain what the proportion is. This is because the way each person behaves is not something they acquire when they grow up, but is inextricably linked to the upbringing they receive in their family of origin.
For instance, if your parents tend to be cautious and modest in their approach to life, they may often remind you of the same things.
2⃣️, related to your personality
It seems that your modesty and desire to avoid the limelight may be related to your personality. You may be a calm personality type.
It may be helpful to consider that calm personalities tend to have:
It would be fair to say that you have a slow and deliberate approach to life, are cautious, gentle and stable, and are driven by a desire for harmony.
Your strengths may include being easy-going, adaptable, thoughtful, and tolerant.
Some might perceive these qualities as disadvantages, including a tendency to be slow and lazy, a lack of willingness to repent, a preference for remaining silent, and a tendency to be indifferent to the actions of others.
Indeed, you are cautious in your dealings with others, comfortable with whatever life throws at you, and able to advance or retreat as needed. After failing the college entrance exam, you regrouped and got into a better school. At work, you first endured and built up your strength in preparation for better development. This is inseparable from your careful and calm thinking.
I wonder if I might suggest some new behavior patterns.
I believe that, given your clear idea, there is no need to have too many thoughts and concerns. Perhaps you could just do it when you think of it.
I believe that cognitive improvement is an important aspect of this process.
Perhaps you could say, "I've realized that there's no need to do so." You can compete with others and gain positive attention from others by being outstanding and honest. There's no need to wear the mask of a "weak person" and work secretly to show yourself in a different light.
This could be seen as proof that you know yourself well and have full confidence in yourself. It might also be considered a major improvement in self-awareness.
Self-awareness can be defined as the understanding of one's own physical and mental characteristics. It is a complex psychological process that consists of three psychological components: self-knowledge, self-experience, and self-control.
It may be the case that until a good balance of self-knowledge, deep experience, and self-control is achieved, the desire to change may not arise. It is possible that only when self-awareness has improved will the courage to change emerge.
Perhaps it would be helpful to consider ways to build confidence.
You are not interested in presenting yourself in a false light; you want to reveal your true self. This is sufficient to demonstrate that you have the capacity to resist pressure, to take responsibility for the consequences, to face criticism without fear, and to approach everything with an open mind, which suggests that you are full of confidence.
You have the knowledge and confidence to make your own decisions, so there is no need to worry. Just do what you believe is the right thing to do. This is the new model. The worst that can happen is starting over.
I can see that you have determination and confidence. I would encourage you to do what you feel is right.
I would like to extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy life!
Comments
I can relate to your experience; it's like I've been hiding behind a shield of modesty for so long, too. It's time to realize that showing our true selves is not about boasting but about being authentic.
It sounds like you've built a safety net with this behavior, and while it has protected you from potential harm or judgment, it might also be holding you back from truly shining. Perhaps the first step is acknowledging that vulnerability isn't weakness.
You've been playing it safe, and it's understandable because society often rewards those who don't make waves. But what if we started celebrating our strengths without feeling guilty? We could start small, by sharing our achievements in a way that feels comfortable.
Your pattern seems rooted in a desire to avoid conflict and maintain harmony. Yet, embracing competition doesn't have to mean confrontation. It can be a healthy drive to improve oneself and inspire others around us.
The way you've described your journey reminds me that growth often comes from unexpected paths. Maybe it's about redefining success on our own terms, where being true to ourselves is the ultimate goal.