How can I change my competitive nature and my constant desire to be on top?

Hi, I'm Phil. I just wanted to give you a warm hug.

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this.

From what you said, it seems like

Your colleague always wants to be the best, whether it's in school or after an internship. He wants to get first place in the scholarship competition and intern at the best firm.

But to reach this goal, he often gets caught up in anxiety, self-deprecation, and internal conflict. Sometimes when I talk to him, I just feel a lot of negative energy. He measures everything in terms of benefit and gets involved in conflicts of interest with other people.

If this keeps up, I'm afraid he'll become more and more stubborn. How can I help him?

It seems like competition and comparison are everywhere, even going back to ancient times when we were driven by the instinct of survival.

Even now, we still compare ourselves to others and even fight with each other to improve ourselves in all aspects of our spiritual lives.

The desire to become stronger or to be recognized, or to be praised by those around you and feel like you're shining is actually pretty common. It's an expression of our socialized value perspective.

First of all, everyone has their own abilities and strengths. Not everything can be done best by oneself. There are always some areas in which one is particularly good at, and there are also some areas in which one can never reach the same heights as others, no matter how hard they try.

How can we resolve the tendency to compare, struggle, and contrast?

What do you think?

1️⃣ Only compare yourself with yourself, not with others.

There's a tried-and-true method used in educational psychology to teach students. It's often used by teachers who later teach and educate people in their conversations with students.

You have to learn to compare yourself only with yourself. Look at how you've progressed from today to tomorrow. See what you've surpassed your old self in and what outstanding changes you've made. Don't think about comparing yourself with the people around you. When you and the people around you are not on the same starting line, not on the same platform, and not even on the same track, no matter how you compare, it doesn't matter who wins.

2. Identify your strengths and weaknesses, figure out where you're headed, and give yourself a sense of what you're aiming for.

Some people always look at others and compare themselves because they're not clear on what they want to do or what their goals are.

? Today, I'll give it a try, thinking that everyone says this is okay and I'm also good at it. Tomorrow, I'll try again, thinking that everyone says this is also okay, and I feel that it makes sense. After all this, I've learned a lot, but it's like a half-full bottle: each one is not as good as the others, but each one has really tried very hard.

Instead of spreading your energy, talent, and time over too many things, it's better to focus on one area. Here's an example from Phil that shows why.

Phil studied everything under the sun, from junior high on up. Painting, music, computers, literature, the regular school curriculum—you name it, he studied it. Astronomy, too. And he read a lot of books outside of class, learning about all kinds of other things, too.

Back then, I often got the question, "How come you know so much at your age? How come you know everything?" I especially enjoyed the feeling of having people around me, praising me for all kinds of things.

As we grow up, though, we realize that these things are actually completely useless. We've even wasted more time not being able to master even a single specialized skill and are in a state of being only semi-proficient. I'm only beginning to regret not taking driving lessons, and it's already too late.

3️⃣ When you're caught up in a comparison, competitive mindset, or contrasting yourself to others, take a moment to reflect on why you're doing that.

It's also worth noting that this kind of mentality is more likely to appear in children whose minds have not yet fully matured.

For instance, when one child gets the latest mobile phone, another child can play games with Krypton Gold, and another has particularly nice clothes. When you don't have it yourself, you think that everyone else has it and you want it too. Everyone is part of this group because of a particular thing, and you also want to be part of it, so you want this kind of thing too.

When this kind of mentality arises, the first thing to think about is whether the thing, value, ability, or specific desire you're comparing yourself to is really what you need. What will you get after you get this thing?

And how much are we willing to pay for it?

☀In fact, having a competitive mentality and a mentality of comparison is not a bad thing. Any kind of thought or emotion will have a positive impact on us within a certain range.

As with anything in life, it's important to understand that people always have desires. It's human nature to want to eat and drink, and to want clothing, food, shelter and transportation. These things are fundamental to our survival, motivation to live and motivation to make our lives good.

And since we're striving to achieve a higher spiritual level, we have a plan to satisfy ourselves. However, excessive desires can also lead people to negative emotions and even criminal activities.

The same goes for comparison and competition. When they're done right, they can really boost your motivation and help you set better goals. They can also help you work more efficiently and stay enthusiastic when you're tired.

But if you focus too much on this, you'll just end up getting more and more tired. Sooner or later, you'll burn out and get nothing in return.

I hope this helps.

And I love you, the world, and everything in it.

Good day. I am Yang Yiqing, a psychological counselor and doctoral student in computer science. I can empathize with your friend's predicament. It appears that he is perpetually discontented with the present, unable to achieve self-satisfaction, and perpetually striving to attain unattainable goals.

Indeed, this psychological state may serve as a protective mechanism for the individual. By maintaining a state of dissatisfaction, one may find a sense of purpose and direction. However, it is essential to maintain a balance. Your friend appears to be deeply invested in this process, as if the overarching purpose of life is to engage in comparison, which often leads to feelings of frustration and anxiety due to the perceived distance to the goal.

It is evident that you are deeply concerned and care for your best friend. It is undoubtedly distressing to observe an individual who is close to you striving for perfection, only to experience a state of anxiety and self-deprecation.

Your friend appears to be experiencing significant pressure, emanating from both his own elevated expectations and societal expectations regarding success. It is understandable that witnessing this situation may evoke feelings of helplessness and concern, and potentially even confusion regarding the most effective means of assistance.

Your friend may perceive his life as an unending pursuit of goals that may not ultimately lead to genuine fulfillment. This relentless pressure and anxiety may impede his ability to appreciate the simple pleasures in life or recognize his intrinsic value apart from his achievements.

He may be in a quandary, believing that maintaining his self-esteem and sense of worth hinges on relentless striving and competition.

It is crucial to demonstrate empathy and understanding when communicating with him. At times, simply being heard and comprehended is sufficient to improve one's emotional state.

One might suggest that his value as a person far exceeds his achievements and external success. It would be beneficial to encourage him to explore his inner world and discover the things that can give him true happiness and satisfaction.

It would be beneficial to encourage your friend to explore his perceptions and expectations of himself, in order to ascertain his true desires. It is possible that your friend is exerting a great deal of effort in order to prove himself to others. Alternatively, it may be the case that your friend was repeatedly told by his parents that other children were inferior, which has subsequently instilled in him an overwhelming desire to excel above and beyond them.

Such a process may be repeated as necessary.

It is this author's recommendation that the following books be considered by your friend as a means of achieving inner peace while pursuing excellence:

1. The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

The insights presented in this book can assist the reader in comprehending the multifaceted nature of growth, the profound significance of life, and the capacity to confront adversity with fortitude.

2. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi

The book delineates the means of attaining the state of flow through engagement in activities that demand total commitment, thereby facilitating an understanding of how to achieve happiness while pursuing excellence.

The third book is entitled The Resilience Factor and was written by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte.

This book presents a series of practical strategies and tools designed to assist readers in developing psychological resilience and more effectively navigating the pressures and challenges of life.

It is our hope that these suggestions and books will prove beneficial in assisting your friend in achieving a more balanced and meaningful lifestyle. It is important to recognize that the support and understanding you can provide as a friend is a valuable asset that cannot be quantified in terms of financial gain or achievements.

It is also important to prioritize self-care while providing assistance to others, as maintaining one's mental health is a crucial aspect of well-being.

I am a listener, Yang Yiqing. Life presents a series of challenges, and each step is worthy of celebration. Let us proceed together.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Hello, question asker:

It's great that you've come to your friend for help. He's lucky to have a friend like you who cares about him so much.

Let's start by discussing your friend's situation. You mentioned that your friend weighs everything in terms of benefit, always trying to come out on top, and the conversation is full of negative energy.

We don't know much about your friend's background, so we can't make any assumptions. From what you've told us, it seems like your friend has a strong competitive spirit, which might have started when he was young.

He's convinced that only the best and brightest will be recognized and loved, so he's now so internally consumed and competitive.

You've come to this platform for help, so I'm sure you have some knowledge of psychology. However, if you were to tell him directly, "You're wrong. Your way of thinking is flawed. You need to accept who you are,"

If that's the case, your friend won't listen and will think you don't approve of them or love them. At this point, we can try to empathize with him with an "accepting and approving" attitude when the two of you chat.

Then, you can gradually introduce him to some methods and books on regulating the body and mind.

You can also buy some psychology-related books yourself, such as "Thinking Changes Life," "Know Yourself, Accept Yourself," "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist," and "Body and Mind Settling Down." Read and understand the general content of the books yourself, bring one with you when you meet to chat, and read and share it during the casual conversation. This will help you to be more effective in offering your help.

You really want to help him, but he sees your help as a sign of disapproval. So, we need to be a bit more discreet and send him a message saying, "I've been learning to change recently, and it's been working well. Would you like to try it?"

❣️The above is my little method, a bit messy. But I hope it will inspire and help you, and I sincerely hope that your friends will change under your guidance.

I love you and the world! ?

They're competitive, and they want to become better!

They want to be at the top! That's another way of saying they want to become outstanding people.

The desire to improve and be better is a wonderful thing!

The reason why it becomes a problem is because in the process, I feel a lot of anxiety, internal conflict, self-deprecation, and I make most of my actions for personal gain.

You really want to help your friend and you're excited to see him overcome the pain of negative emotions. You might consider the following points:

Help him find a self-evaluation system and recognize himself!

You could even ask him if these amazing opportunities, like getting a scholarship and joining a firm, are things he wants for himself, or if they're the result of external influences.

What an amazing opportunity! A scholarship is a chance to obtain money and relieve financial pressure.

To be valued and recognized as great! To be the pride of my parents, who want me to work in a law firm!

I want to be superior!

What do you want right now? I want to rest, I want peace, and I'm going to get it!

I want to be stable. I want to enter the industry!

I want to grow! I want to be confident, and I want to think positively!

It's time to recognize the appropriate gap! External comparisons are excessive motivators, and comparisons with a large gap are a source of suffering.

● It's time to break down those big goals into small, phased goals!

The great thing about breaking down small goals is that you can achieve them with your own abilities! They're easy to achieve, you can do them in a certain period of time, and you'll see the results!

Hello! It's so great that you care about your friend's situation and want to help him.

1. Now for the fun part! It's time to analyze your friend's current situation and find an entry point.

First of all, he always wanted to be the best, whether he was studying or after his internship. He wanted to get first-class honors and intern at the best firm!

In fact, having a strong sense of competition has a positive side! A person with a sense of competition in everything usually has the following characteristics:

People with a competitive mindset are always striving to improve their abilities and skills so they can stand out from the competition!

A competitive spirit is a great motivator! It helps people set clear and challenging goals and work hard to achieve them, which improves work efficiency and results.

✍Competition awareness can also greatly motivate people to find new and exciting methods and strategies to promote innovation and improvement.

✍People with a competitive spirit are amazing! They're resilient and persevering, and they never give up on their goals, even when they face difficulties or setbacks in competition.

In the workplace, competition is a great way to boost cooperation between team members and help them work together to achieve excellence and success!

There are so many amazing benefits to embracing a sense of competition! However, it's essential to strike a healthy balance. Excessive competition can lead to some challenges, as you mentioned. It's important to be mindful of these and ensure that the competition doesn't become excessive.

On the one hand, excessive competition can sometimes lead to some exciting challenges and friction in interpersonal relationships!

My boss is a competitive person who has to win or lose at everything, and she's great at what she does! She's very focused and driven, and she's always aiming high. She's not afraid to put in the work and she's passionate about her goals. While she's intense, she's also very inspiring to work with.

On the other hand, excessive competition can lead to excessive stress, affecting physical and mental health, such as anxiety and insomnia. It may also cause him to ignore his own inner needs and sense of well-being, and blindly pursue external achievements. But there's another side to the coin! While excessive competition can have negative effects on our health and well-being, it can also have positive effects. It can help us to push ourselves to achieve more, to be the best we can be. So, let's look at how we can harness the power of competition to our advantage!

On the other hand, if you look at everything as a competition, you might miss out on the joy and enjoyment of life.

Then, with an overcompetitive mentality, he may make some irrational decisions that affect the final result and his work efficiency and quality of life. Moreover, overreliance on competition results in self-worth may lead to deviations in self-perception, such as complete self-negation because the results do not meet expectations. In the long run, this may have a negative impact on mental health, such as depression and other emotional problems. But there's so much more to life than that! There are plenty of ways to improve your mental health and achieve a healthy work-life balance.

So you can detect your friend's state of mind in a timely manner, which is really great, and your insight is also very valuable from the description. You can try the following methods to help your friend:

2. Listening, feedback, and advice to help you both deal with the current situation!

First, listen patiently to let him know you're there for him. Listen to him talk about his anxieties and troubles, and let him know you're not going anywhere. You've got this!

Next, help him to see his achievements and progress, and encourage him to view the "positive aspects of competition" and the "possible impact of excessive competition" with a dialectical mindset. You can guide him to think about his strengths and advantages, as well as past successful experiences, to gain a more three-dimensional understanding of himself.

Remind him to set reasonable goals and not to pursue perfection. Help him analyze his abilities and the reality of the situation, and develop a feasible plan. He'll be amazed at how much better he feels when he's got a plan in place!

Encourage him to pay attention to his inner feelings, not just external achievements and benefits. Remind him of the importance of maintaining physical and mental health, such as getting enough rest and relaxation. Let him know how important it is to take care of himself!

If you can, offer some practical help! You could study together or share some practical experience.

Help him understand that different people have different values and interests. It's a great idea for him to try to see things from other people's perspectives! This is a fantastic way to reduce interpersonal conflicts caused by excessive competition. If his situation is more serious, he may need professional psychological counseling.

Absolutely! He can be encouraged to seek professional advice.

3. I'll definitely recommend some books on emotions and self-growth to him!

Emotional First Aid: The brilliant Dr. Guy Winch introduces some amazing strategies and methods for dealing with various daily psychological injuries through six common emotional injuries in life.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is an amazing way to express yourself and understand others. It's a fantastic tool for promoting harmonious interpersonal relationships!

Albert Ellis has some great advice on how to avoid being influenced by the emotions of others and how to remain calm and rational when emotional.

4. It's time to discover your own unique conflict patterns through the TKI test and start embracing your diverse behavior patterns!

The TKI conflict response model is an amazing tool for assessing the coping styles that individuals commonly use when faced with conflict. It was developed by the brilliant Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann.

The test uses a series of questions or situations to allow the test taker to choose from five different conflict response modes. These five modes are:

Competing: This is all about you! You're emphasizing your own views and interests, and you're trying to overcome the other party.

Collaborating is all about working together to find a solution to a problem, focusing on the needs and interests of both parties. It's a great way to find a win-win solution!

And then there's compromising, which is all about finding a happy medium and reaching a partial consensus.

Avoiding: This is a great way to avoid direct confrontation or postpone a solution.

Accommodating is a great way to make sure the other person's views and needs are heard, while still making some concessions yourself.

The test is a great way to assess an individual's conflict response tendencies in different situations. The test results can be really helpful for friends, as they can understand their own habitual patterns when dealing with conflicts and recognize the advantages and disadvantages of different patterns. [When he is again over-competitive, leading to interpersonal tension, he can find coping strategies from other dimensions such as "compromise, accommodation, avoidance and collaboration" to avoid self-blame and internal depletion].

It's important to remember that the TKI conflict response test is just an assessment tool and a relative reference. It's not an absolute judgment. Everyone's conflict response style is complex and can change depending on specific situations and personal experiences.

I really hope the above answers can help you and your friends! Best regards,

Good day, I hope this message finds you well. I am contacting you today because I believe you may be able to help me. I am a kind poster and I am seeking advice. Thank you in advance for your help.

Firstly, I would like to express my gratitude. Your friend is fortunate to have a friend like you who is willing to provide assistance and has already taken action to help him.

Next, we will examine your colleague together.

From the description, I can see a pattern: he wants to be strong, so he will pursue his goals with great determination. During the pursuit, he will inevitably experience tension and encounter difficulties. A state of tension + difficulties will result in negative emotions such as fatigue and anxiety. If the pursuit is unsuccessful, he will feel a sense of failure. If these negative emotions are not addressed, they will affect his physical health, which in turn will affect his efficiency and result in an even worse emotional state. This is probably also a concern for you. I believe that first, he needs to be aware of this pattern and its potential consequences. It is important to recognize that awareness is the first step towards change.

Regarding his perception and approach to the "benefits" you mentioned, it seems you are concerned that he may become overly exhausted by pursuing them. It would be beneficial for him to relax a little. If so, I suggest you speak with him using the "Nonviolent Communication" method, which I believe will prove effective.

I would like to remind you of two key points: firstly, when providing emotional support, it is important to manage your own emotions effectively; secondly, it is essential to recognise that while we can influence others, we cannot change them. You can listen, accompany and advise, but it is not your role to force someone to change. (If you are interested, you can read "The Courage to Be Disliked" on this topic.)

Finally, I wish you both a long and fruitful friendship, as well as a carefree life.

Good day,

Hello, I'm Yang Mengnan, a psychological counselor.

I have taken the time to carefully read your description. Based on the information you have provided, it seems that your good friend strives for excellence and the ultimate in everything he does. It appears that he believes that if he does something, he should do it to the best of his ability.

This is a positive quality. However, when the goal is not achieved, it can be challenging for him to reflect on what he could have done differently and how he can improve in the future. Instead, he may experience feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, which can lead to a sense of depletion.

It appears that he may not be quite the same as someone who pursues excellence and perfection. Could I ask what the problem might be?

Let's take a look together, if you like.

1. Could I ask what your friend's motivation for doing this might be? Motivation is often based on need. When a person's need is not met, it can drive them to seek out an object to satisfy that need.

According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, it can be said that we humans have physiological, safety, belonging, love, respect, and self-fulfillment needs.

Your friend seems to have a strong desire to excel, whether it's in scholarship programs or internships. It's understandable that he might feel a certain level of pressure to perform well in these areas. However, when he doesn't achieve his goals, it can lead to feelings of self-blame and anxiety. It's as if he's trying to prove his ability through his achievements, but deep down, he's not fully convinced of his capabilities. It's a complex situation, and it's important to recognize that there might be underlying factors contributing to his behavior. It's possible that he's seeking external validation to boost his confidence. It's not uncommon for individuals to seek external recognition as a form of self-assurance. It's essential to understand his motivations and support him in achieving his goals in a way that aligns with his genuine needs and aspirations.

It appears that his pursuit of these goals may be driven by a need for recognition. This need can manifest as a desire for security or as a longing for love, belonging, and respect. To better understand his motivations, it would be helpful to trace the origin of this belief. Once identified, it would be valuable to explore whether this need can only be fulfilled in his own way or if there are alternative avenues for satisfaction.

Perhaps this issue will become more apparent to him.

2. Emotional problems. You mentioned that your friend's conversations with you are full of negative energy, which is understandable.

When he pursues his goals, it might be helpful for him to be a little skeptical of his abilities while putting in a lot of effort. The end result may not always meet his expectations, and this process could potentially distort things and the way they are understood, as well as the deformation of actions.

As you mentioned, "he measures everything in terms of benefit." If he has a lot of negative emotions that make you feel overwhelmed, you could try asking him, "Is it really always like you say? Is there ever an exception to that?" What happened in that exception?

Asking this kind of question might help him see the positive side that he cannot see for himself. It might also help you feel better.

3. Good interpersonal relationships can bring about corrective experiences. You are concerned that your friend may become increasingly stubborn, and you hope to offer him support.

You are a very kind person, and maintaining a good relationship with him may be beneficial. In psychological counseling, a good counseling alliance (counseling relationship) may be helpful in predicting the effectiveness of counseling. The same could be true for ordinary interpersonal relationships if they have healthy and good interpersonal relationships.

I'm not sure of your age or your friend's age, but I imagine you're at least a university graduate, perhaps in your early 20s. It can be challenging for someone in their 20s to shift their mindset from a competitive one. It's not easy to alter long-held behaviors.

It might be helpful to be patient with your friend and also with yourself. You could consider exploring with him and enjoying the positive changes that come with every small step.

Hello, questioner! I'm so happy to meet you. It's so nice to see that you genuinely care about your friends.

It's true that there are lots of people around us who have competitive and high-strung personalities. These are character traits of this type of person. Don't worry about your friend. He knows the rules of survival better than anyone else. He is aggressive, courageous, action-oriented, and goal-oriented. This will give him a competitive advantage in the workplace.

I totally get where you're coming from with your comment about putting profit first. In today's fast-paced world, profit is a clear goal for a lot of people. It would be a big loss not to talk about profit in the business world.

As friends, you may have seen his vulnerable side due to your trusting relationship. We all get bored sometimes, but the mental pressure of being a friend has made you worry a little. Don't worry, my friend! Just let him go to a different environment to release a little.

After all, in the fierce competition, only the winners are qualified to survive. You understand him, you're there for him, and you support him. If you want to help him relieve anxiety and eliminate internal conflicts, you can refer to the following points:

⏺It's so important to accept yourself, and to do a really comprehensive analysis of your strengths as a human being. Identify and strengthen your strengths to give yourself confidence; work on your weaknesses without being too anxious to make progress.

⏺Take the time to improve yourself and use a long-term perspective to grasp immediate goals. Be strategic, rhythmic, targeted, and balanced.

There are so many paths you can take, but the one that will last the longest is a steady and surefooted approach.

⏺Learn the methods of the heart and seek the right results inwardly. You've worked so hard to upgrade your physical skills in practice, but if your mentality collapses, you'll be routed.

Practice mindfulness when you're ready, and don't forget to take care of yourself along the way. Nurture a positive outlook on life and remember that inner peace is a true gift.

⏺Socialize upward and get in touch with people with high energy fields. Eliminate your own internal consumption and get some positive social feedback!

It's totally normal to feel like complaining and doubting yourself sometimes. It's not just about your abilities, but also about how you interact with the world. Try to focus on the positive thoughts you can draw from social interactions, and try to change your mindset when you're feeling down. It's also a good idea to look at things from a different perspective sometimes.

Learning from a high-energy field is a great way to boost your social logic as well as your cognitive abilities. The right energy field can send you a steady stream of spiritual energy and wealth resources.

Why not borrow a quote from Nietzsche for your friends? It goes, "What does not kill me makes me stronger!" So be brave and forge ahead while you're young!

I really hope this helps! I love you all so much, and I hope you have a wonderful day!

1. Hello, question asker. You are such a good friend, and he is lucky to have you. If you want to help him, don't set the bar too high. Good friends influence each other, and he may not realize he's being stubborn until he gains more knowledge and experience.

2. This good friend also has a positive side to his personality. He always strives to excel, pursues perfection in everything, and does things to the extreme. Such people achieve great success in their careers. Look at Steve Jobs and Elon Musk, for example. They are both people who pursue the ultimate perfection, and they are extremely successful.

Your friend has the potential to succeed if he pursues his passion without distractions. We must show him the sparkle in his character, affirm his valuable self-drive and self-discipline, and recognize all the achievements he has made. Not everyone can do that.

3. Comparing yourself with others is unhelpful, yet it's a natural human tendency. Materialism is a fact of life, and it's something we have to navigate. The influence of the environment can sometimes make us feel powerless. It's likely that his anxiety, internal conflict, and materialism stem from his uncertainty and lack of confidence in his abilities.

I remember stumbling across a short video of an elderly foreign-born mixed-race model. She was very tall and beautiful when she was young, and all the big brands wanted her to walk the catwalk. But she was very anxious and unhappy, because she was always worried that there would be younger, prettier girls with better figures who would take her place.

As she got older, she stopped worrying about her appearance and fame and found other priorities in life. She became more relaxed and elegant as a whole. You should encourage your good friend to spend more time with people who have been through the experience and listen to their stories. He will then understand that there are many things more important than fame.

Best wishes!

Hello! As you mentioned, your friend's relentless pursuit of excellence and tendency to compare themselves to others will undoubtedly lead to internal conflict. This is not ideal for your current endeavors and will likely hinder your long-term growth.

We tend to define excellence by comparing ourselves to others. Excellence is the standard by which mediocrity is measured. However, it's more beneficial to view this kind of overall human scrutiny objectively and not let it affect our own progress.

Everyone has their own unique strengths. Having a healthy dose of perfectionism can help us improve in one area. However, everyone's talents are different. Some people can do a good job at something without spending much time and can become the best at something without much effort. Therefore, we don't have to blindly compare ourselves to others. We should know that there are people outside of us and there are mountains outside of the mountains.

It's best to compare yourself to your own previous performance. Use your own achievements as a benchmark to set new goals and focus on your own growth.

We can't really know what someone else is going through, so it's probably not a good idea to compare yourself to situations you don't fully understand. They might end up hurting you and causing you to feel anxious and confused.

I get it. You want to help your friend, but if their negativity is too much for you, you shouldn't push yourself to do it. Focus on your own feelings.

I hope you're doing well! I hope my insights can be of some use to you.

Hello! I can tell you're really concerned about your friend, and I'd love to chat with you about this topic.

The wonderful Alfred Adler, a great master of individual psychology, once said something really interesting. He said that everyone feels inferior at times. It's because we all want to be better and lead a better life.

However, when we become inferior because of unconscious comparisons, which can lead to negative emotions, it can start to affect our self-image. If we don't let our negative emotions out and express them, they can build up and affect how we see ourselves. We might start to pay more attention to what others say and focus on our shortcomings, which can lead to us feeling like we're not good enough. This can even lead to us denying our own feelings. What follows is a state of cognitive, emotional, and out-of-control behavior.

As the original poster wrote, the best friend is competitive and often caught in a state of anxiety, internal conflict, and self-deprecation.

It's so common for people to feel inferior, and it's often not because of "objective facts" but because of "subjective interpretations." It's so sad when good friends fall into anxiety, internal depletion, and self-deprecation. This might be because in their growth experience, they have been criticized, blamed, and ignored. Over time, we will judge ourselves about things we don't know, that is, "I can't do it well." At this time, our sense of self-efficacy will gradually become problematic, so that we become vulnerable as adults.

We can ask our friends to try to collect more feedback through practical actions to gradually improve their self-confidence. For example, they can participate in some social group activities with their classmates, talk to their friends about their career plans and employment plans, and then feel the results and their feedback. If the feedback is indeed positive, they can give themselves some rewards in time, such as a meal or a weekend trip, to improve their practical ability and accumulate a sense of confidence through real actions.

Everyone is imperfect, and everyone has a side they don't want to touch, which we might call the dark side. People around them are sometimes unwilling to accept it, and even they themselves can't always face it. So we wear masks, pretending to be the role that others like, but we are tired of living like this.

We can ask our friends to try asking themselves some really interesting questions. For example, they could ask themselves: "What is the need in my heart that always wants to be the best?" and "What is the need in my heart that always measures with benefits?"

We can also ask our friends to try asking themselves: "What does the ideal self look like?" "What are his qualities?"

"How can I bridge the gap between who I am now and who I want to be?" "What can I do to become the person I've always dreamed of being?"

We can help our friends work through their emotions, and when we feel anxious, we can pause and remind ourselves, "This isn't true!" Taking a deep breath and allowing our emotions to flow can help us avoid engaging in behaviors that might distort our feelings.

You can also try writing therapy to help you record your emotions. It's totally okay to write about your feelings in a honest way. This can help us understand the causes and effects of emotions and also help us clarify the root of the problem.

If this is happening to someone close to you, it can be really tough to overcome. It's okay to ask for help! Try to find a family member or friend who he trusts and who has always given him positive support to talk to and express his feelings.

If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, because it's so important to see and accept those shadows in our hearts. When we're stable and healthy, those negative thoughts will slowly disappear.

It's also a great idea to encourage our friends to enrich themselves and discover their unique value. At the same time, we should try to stay calm, because change always starts with oneself. We should give our friends lots of respect and support.

From the information provided, it is evident that your friend is a person who strives for excellence.

However, excessive pressure and perfectionism can result in feelings of anxiety and self-deprecation.

Assisting him may necessitate patience and the implementation of appropriate strategies.

First, it is important to provide your friend with your attention and demonstrate that you understand his situation. Sometimes, individuals require the support of someone who is willing to listen to their concerns.

Through active listening, one can gain a deeper comprehension of the emotions and experiences of the individual in question.

It is important to remind the individual from time to time that while the result is important, his efforts and the process are also worthy of recognition. Success is not just about reaching the final goal; it is also about learning and growing along the way.

It may be beneficial to suggest that he identify interests outside of his professional life, as this can help to reduce stress and enhance his overall sense of fulfillment. Engaging in activities such as sports, art, music, or any other pursuit that he finds enjoyable can serve as an effective means of stress relief.

It would be beneficial to encourage the individual to set achievable short-term goals in lieu of focusing on distant long-term goals. This approach would facilitate a sense of progress and achievement, while also reducing the frustration associated with being unable to meet overly high expectations.

It is important to help him realize that not everything is within his control and to encourage him to accept imperfection. Sometimes, letting go and accepting "good enough" is also a form of wisdom.

It would be beneficial to encourage him to adopt a more positive outlook, rather than dwelling on negative aspects. For instance, failure can be viewed as an opportunity for learning and personal growth.

In the event that encouragement and comfort prove to be ineffective, and if the individual's anxiety and self-deprecating feelings are particularly pronounced, it is recommended that he seek professional psychological counseling. A professional psychological counselor can provide more targeted help and treatment.

It is recommended that he be encouraged to cultivate a robust social network comprising family, friends, and colleagues. A robust support system can provide assistance and solace when he experiences stress.

It would be beneficial to assist him in developing effective time management skills, which would enable him to achieve a more balanced lifestyle and alleviate the anxiety caused by time pressure.

It would be beneficial to encourage him to accept his limitations and recognize that everyone possesses unique strengths and weaknesses, and that nobody is perfect.

It is important to note that modifying an individual's cognitive patterns and routines often necessitates a considerable investment of time and patience. While external assistance and resources can be beneficial, it is ultimately the responsibility of the individual to determine the most effective strategies for managing stress and navigating challenges.

Dear Question Asker, From your text, I can see that you are very anxiety/family-arguments-have-always-been-frequent-from-childhood-to-adulthood-feeling-deeply-concerned-yet-wanting-to-escape-7464.html" target="_blank">concerned about your friend and genuinely worry about him. You have observed that he is always trying to be strong and ignoring some of the things you see, including his physical condition and emotional state. You hope that your friend will see and accept your goodwill. Best regards, [Your Name]

It would be beneficial for him to be more calm about work, life, socializing, and interests. There are aspects of his behavior that he may not be aware of. How can you help your friend calm down a bit? This will require him to accept your thoughts, which may be challenging for him to do. We all have different tolerances for stress and different ways of seeing things.

You are concerned that he may become increasingly fixated on the situation and are seeking ways to provide assistance. This inquiry indicates that you are experiencing significant pressure as he continues to proceed with little regard for the consequences. Is this pressure emanating from you or your colleague? How do you perceive the pressure on yourself?

How do you perceive the pressure on your colleague?

From your description, I believe there is a potential opportunity for me to provide support. I observe that your friend is experiencing anxiety and internal conflict. If he is amenable, I am willing to provide continued support and companionship to help him feel less isolated and more reassured. I believe he may benefit from some time to address his anxiety and internal conflict.

Greetings,

My name is Kelly Shui.

[How might I alter my competitive nature and my constant desire to be in control?

From what I could gather from reading the question, it seems that you have a great deal of empathy. It's possible that seeing your friend's emotions triggered your own, which in turn made you want to help him very much.

I wonder if your best friend would have any concerns if he knew you were feeling this pressure.

Perhaps he was seeking guidance or just a listening ear.

[About boundaries]

I'm happy to hear that you have such an outstanding friend, and that he has also inspired you a lot.

I recently had the opportunity to participate in an event organized by our platform, which gave me some food for thought.

For instance, when a question was posed, I attempted to provide an answer and engage in a discussion about the meaning of life and happiness.

I believe that these answers are all about self-exploration, using answers or writing to sort out one's complex thoughts.

The phenomenology mentioned the "law of suspension." It could be argued that the so-called happiness and exploration of meaning are very suitable for using this law to experience curiosity.

In a recent article, Li Weirong shared some interesting insights.

"Some things can never be tidied up. She mentioned an interesting conversation between Gregory Bateson, the founder of family therapy, and his young daughter:

Daughter: "Could I ask why it is that as soon as you've tidied your desk, it's a mess again?"

Bateson suggested, "Perhaps it would be best not to touch it."

It might be helpful to consider that Bateson's concept of family therapy involved a similar approach. Just as one might not touch his desk, regardless of its state of tidiness, it could be beneficial to allow things to remain as they are, unless there are concerns about personal safety.

A therapist entering someone else's home is akin to Eiko Yamashita entering a hoarder's home. Regardless of how untidy one might perceive another's home to be, it is not within one's rights to move it without permission.

It is important to remember that, no matter how anxious you may feel, you must respect the other person's choices, unless there are issues of personal safety involved.

For this reason, it is not within our power to offer advice to others in this process. Each person's life will inevitably pass through a stage of disorder. It is only through experience that we can truly gain meaning. After experiencing disorder, we will come to appreciate the joy of inner order. This kind of happiness is not easily attained, but it is a profound and worthwhile pursuit.

Perhaps what is meaningful is the experience, the thoughts, and the resonance that will be generated when we meet some people in the future.

It was only then that I came to grasp the situation fully.

I believe there are instances where boundaries, neutrality, and the influence of avoiding being involved in this story may be beneficial.

It would be beneficial for therapists to consider maintaining neutrality and boundaries as a way of avoiding influence.

We can play a role in supporting him by listening, being there for him, and, if needed, guiding him to seek professional help. Maintaining boundaries and distance also allows us space and room for ourselves.

I believe that trusting my best friend has the ability to solve problems on his own is also the best way to understand him.

[Regarding competitiveness]

I believe my best friend has certainly faced some challenges along the way. I will try to think about what he has been through.

Could you tell me what kind of motivation has allowed him to always, whether it was during his studies or after his internship, always want to do his best?

I wonder if he also had to get first place in the scholarship and the best firm for the internship.

Could you tell me a little bit about his life story? Do you think his motivation comes from within or from others?

If circumstances were to take an unfavorable turn, how would he cope with feelings of discontent?

I believe a healthy dose of competitiveness is acceptable. If we were in his position, we might feel that he is also helpless and lonely, and that he has made significant efforts to achieve these goals.

In this way, he often becomes overwhelmed by anxiety and self-deprecation. At the same time, he may benefit from showing more understanding and empathy towards himself.

It might be helpful to allow yourself to rest when you are tired.

It would be wise to consider the long-term impact of such pressure on his health.

You may feel that the conversation with him is somewhat negative. Would you be so kind as to tell him how you feel?

Perhaps you could ask him about his own thoughts, motivations, goals, his parents' expectations, and his own life goals, if he is willing to talk.

If he is open to sharing, you can listen to part of his story.

You might like to talk about your feelings and thoughts after listening to the story.

From what we can see, he is very competitive, but also has his vulnerabilities. It is not easy for him, and it may also be related to his upbringing and his periodic goals.

It seems that the other person may choose to measure everything in terms of interests, which could potentially lead to conflicts with others or a tendency to defend their own interests.

Perhaps we could help him with his grooming, or suggest that he seek professional counseling to gain a different perspective?

Perhaps the best thing we can do is to simply be there for each other as friends should.

Perhaps we could offer him more blessings, share our thoughts and feelings with him more, and encourage and recognize the part he has contributed.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to allow him to recognize his own strengths.

You could be a reflection for him, and he might feel able to communicate with you. When you are brushing each other's hair, you can also see yourself.

We all have our moments, and that's okay. It's important to accept the present and be gentle with ourselves.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider the possibility that your best friend may envy you for having a friend who cares about him.

We would like to suggest the following books for your consideration: "Fearless Anxiety" and "Self-Boundaries."

Hello! I can see that you care a great deal about your friends and are very enthusiastic about treating them well.

Your friend has developed a competitive personality and values self-interest above all else. It may be related to the environment in which he grew up. Perhaps he was strictly disciplined by his parents from an early age and was taught that the only way to be good at something is to be the best at it, otherwise it's not good enough.

Maybe his parents told him that he could only get what he wanted if he came first, otherwise he didn't deserve it. This kind of thing can really stick with you! Under the influence of such an educational philosophy, he gradually learned to be competitive and exchange benefits for survival.

This awareness will encourage him to work hard for everything he wants, like good grades, a good job, and a higher social status. He'll feel anxious, panicked, and exhausted because he has to always be at the top. But, let's face it, no one can stay at the best position forever. When he's not at the top, he might feel like he's not good.

This cognitive bias of being neither good nor bad can lead to a low self-evaluation model, which makes him feel insecure. Even though he has achieved so much, he still feels inferior.

How can you help a friend like this?

1. Understanding and acceptance. I truly believe you see the reason behind your friend's actions.

You'll be able to understand him better and see the "fragility" behind his strength, the need behind his struggle, and the fear behind his anxiety. Then he'll feel your tolerance and acceptance.

2. Listen to him and be there for him.

When he's feeling frustrated about being competitive, be there for him. Listen to what he's feeling and thinking. Help him work through any negative emotions.

If you do these two things, he'll feel like he can trust you and be your friend. He'll have a new experience, and even if he's not the best, he can still make a real friend. Your friendship won't depend on shared interests.

When he trusts you enough, you can also recommend psychology studies to him. You can share with him all the wonderful insights and gains you've made on your own journey of psychological growth.

And that will encourage him to explore and grow himself.

I really hope this helps!

Hello, I'm Zeyu.

We will understand the other person's behavior pattern based on the content of the question to help them better.

From the description, it's clear that the questioner cares about his friend and is trying to help him. We can see that the questioner is willing to help his friend and hopes that his friend will improve. However, we need to be careful not to take over and make the situation about us. This will only lead to problems in the relationship.

The only person who can help the other person is the other person himself. This may be disappointing to the questioner, but the reality is that our own needs cannot override the other person's needs.

From the description, it's clear that the other person always wants to take the upper hand. When they're caught in a state of anxiety, depletion, and self-deprecation, we need to observe the duration of this state. If it feels normal, we can ask if they need our help. If they do, we can be a good listener, give support and encouragement, and give our views and opinions. If they disagree with our views, this is normal, so we don't have to feel sad or worry about them continuing this way. This state is familiar to them.

Finally, we must accept that this person is in this situation. Then, we can provide feedback at the right time and with the other person's permission about the facts we have observed to help the other person grow and develop better. The key point is to respect the other person's choices and rights.

This mentality may come from different things like personality, upbringing, and social culture. To change it, you can try these methods:

1. Reflect on your behavior. Why do you compete? Keep a diary, meditate, or talk to friends and family.

2. Try to see things from other people's perspectives and understand their feelings and needs. This will help you get along better with others and reduce your competitive mindset.

3. Learn to let go. Accept that not everything needs to be won. Sometimes, compromise is better.

4. Set goals together: Work with others to set goals that encourage teamwork.

5. Practice gratitude. Focus on what you have, not what you want.

6. Accept failure: Failure is part of success. Learn from it to reduce competitiveness.

7. Get help from a counselor or life coach if you can't change this.

8. Do other things: Do art, music, and reading. These things can help you relax and feel less competitive.

9. Practice self-affirmation: Say nice things to yourself to boost your confidence and stop comparing yourself to others.

10. Learn to communicate better. This helps you express yourself and understand others, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.

Changing your mindset takes time and patience. Don't expect instant results. Practice will help you adjust your mindset and reduce your competitive tendencies.

Good day, my name is Jane, and I am grateful for this opportunity to connect with you.

From your description, it seems that your friend's behavior has become a habit. We know that psychological awareness can also become a habit. Some people are used to procrastinating, while others are used to belittling themselves. Your friend seems to be used to being a perfectionist.

If we wish to modify an individual's behavior, it is essential first to alter their mindset. This is a challenging undertaking.

Perfectionism is the desire to be the best at everything, which is an expression of the fear of not being able to achieve the best. It is the setting of high expectations of oneself that one cannot live up to. Over time, this can lead to a loss of confidence and a cycle of self-deprecation.

How can perfectionism be changed?

First and foremost, perfectionism is rooted in fear. These fears may include the fear of failure, the fear of being mocked for not doing a good job, or the fear of being perceived as a useless person.

It is therefore important to re-evaluate failure. Failure should not be seen as shameful; rather, it is a natural part of the learning process. Behind every success story is a significant number of failures.

Failure is not the end; giving up is.

Furthermore, it is essential to acknowledge our limitations, recognize that we are not infallible, and understand that there is still much to learn to achieve our objectives. This underscores the importance of continuous learning and maintaining a realistic perspective.

It is also crucial to be mindful of your actions. Perfectionists tend to procrastinate, as they are acutely aware of the high standards they have set for themselves. They are often reluctant to take action, preferring to postpone tasks until they believe they have sufficient time to complete them. This can result in missed opportunities and, in some cases, a tendency to blame their lack of progress on a lack of time.

It is therefore essential to pay close attention to your actions. I would suggest adopting the strategy of trying micro habits.

Set realistic expectations and take the first step.

The advantage of using micro-habits is that they allow you to accumulate small successes, which in turn contribute to the cultivation of self-confidence. It is important not to underestimate the power of small successes.

In conclusion, it is important to be persistent when attempting to change habits. It is also crucial to adjust your perception of your own actions and value them appropriately, as this will lead to continued improvement.

I hope this information is useful to you.

I encourage you to persevere.

The following recommendations are offered for your friend to alter his competitive mentality and address his anxiety and internal conflict:

1. Listen and provide support: Engage in open and honest communication with your friend, conveying your care and willingness to offer assistance. Allow him the opportunity to listen and comprehend, enabling him to articulate his emotions and confusion, and assisting him in identifying constructive solutions.

2. Remind your friend of the values that underpin his life. Assist him in recognizing that life is not solely defined by achievements and gains. Encourage him to reflect on his values and life goals, and to maintain inner balance and satisfaction while pursuing success.

3. Establish attainable objectives: A competitive disposition may result in elevated expectations and pressure. Assist your colleague in defining realistic objectives and in formulating a plan to attain them.

It is important to gradually make him aware of the significance of each step in the process of progress and achievement.

4. Cultivate self-acceptance and self-affirmation: It is recommended that the individual be encouraged to cultivate their self-acceptance and self-affirmation. It is important for the individual to be helped to realize that their value does not depend solely on their achievements, but also on their unique qualities and inner value as a person.

5. Promote cooperation and teamwork. A competitive mindset often gives rise to conflicts of interest and strained relationships. It would be beneficial to encourage your friend to participate in team activities and develop cooperation and communication skills, thereby facilitating the realization that greater success can be achieved through cooperation and mutual assistance.

6. Seek professional assistance: In the event that a friend is persistently afflicted with anxiety and negativity, or if the situation appears to be escalating, it may be necessary to seek the guidance of a qualified counselor or psychologist.

Assisting your friend in transforming his competitive mentality and negative state of mind will necessitate a considerable investment of time and effort. It is important to encourage him to gradually alter his perceptions of himself and others, thereby fostering a positive mindset and a healthy psychological state. Concurrently, it is vital to maintain awareness of your own emotions and needs to prevent an excessive self-sacrifice while providing support.

Hello, dear question owner! I can see you're feeling a bit confused. It seems like your best friend is competitive and always wants to be on top. How can you change this mentality?

We all want to do everything well, but is a perfect life even possible? It's a relative thing, isn't it? So it's like an ideal life, love, work, and relationships. It's unattainable. And trying to achieve it can make us feel anxious and drained.

Have you ever wondered how we can be full of energy? It's a tricky one! The more we desire something, the less we can hold onto it. This can lead us into a vicious circle of learned helplessness.

How do we break it? First, give yourself a break! You don't have to be perfect at everything, just do your best. One of the secrets to happiness is contentment. As the saying goes, contentment is always bliss.

Set a small goal and complete it within your capabilities. You'll feel a sense of accomplishment and won't belittle yourself. Your friend is already very good, so don't push yourself into that dead end. You've got this!

How can we be full of positive energy? Well, it's not by reading so-called "chicken soup," but by being down-to-earth, content with the present, enjoying life and work in the present, and changing our thinking about everything. Bad things can turn into good things! Similarly, if there is constant internal conflict, then we will not be able to see our own bright spots, and we will be increasingly off course from a happy life.

In life, there's so much more to us than just our interests. We're social beings, and we can't just detach ourselves from society and become completely unsocial. And when our interests are supreme, conflicts inevitably arise. So, we can also read some books to make our communication firm but gentle. The book "Nonviolent Communication" is a great place to start!

I hope this helps! ? At Yixinli, the world and I love you ???