How can I reconcile with my family who is overly sensitive and easily gets angry?

Dear questioner,

Reconciliation with one's family of origin is a fascinating process. It's not always easy, but it's incredibly rewarding when you succeed. There are several types of parents who can be quite harmful in the family of origin relationship model. They are

Let's talk about the "for your own good" parents. These parents are always eager to share their ideas with their children, and they're ready to jump in and help out with anything and everything. They're like cheerleaders, always there to support their kids and help them succeed. They're the ones who believe that they're making the best decisions for their children and want to see them thrive.

Let's talk about "controlling" parents. These parents have a strong desire to control, and they want to control their children's thoughts and actions in everything. They only lose their temper when their expectations and ideas are not met. Such parents excessively interfere with their children's behavior, choices, and even interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships, etc., which can cause their children to lack opinions and principles. For example, mama's boys and mama's girls are the best examples.

Let's dive into the world of "blame-oriented" parents! These parents are always ready to attack their kids, no matter what the situation is or what the child has done. They don't care about the child's feelings and just focus on putting the child down. It's like they're on a mission to make the child feel bad about themselves. But here's the thing: when the child is young, the parents are the whole world. So, if even the parents think their kids are bad, the kids will start to believe that they are bad. This is a very dangerous mindset for a child to have. So, let's break this cycle!

Let's talk about "hands-off" parents. These parents go out early in the morning and come home late at night every day, neglecting their children's company and growth in order to make money. This can cause the children to become indifferent and distrustful of others when they grow up. But it doesn't have to! Children should be loved, and it is the responsibility of parents to do so. Many parents neglect this and believe that their children will grow up healthy on their own. But this is actually not the case. It can cause many psychological problems or prevent them from becoming people with a healthy personality. So let's make a change!

Now for the best part: how to break the cycle!

One: Be clear about your own boundaries and have your own principles!

In the past, we didn't have clear beliefs, emotions, etc. Now that we've grown up, it's time to fight back against these kinds of harm! We must not let ourselves be bullied anymore, and it's important to learn to have our own boundaries. We must firmly hold our own views, learn to gently but firmly refuse to do things we don't want to do, clearly state our positions and principles, set our own boundaries and bottom lines, and when others infringe, we must learn to fight back!

Two: Forget about the past and focus on the future!

We now know that the reason we cannot reconcile is that we are obsessed with the past. When we stop seeing ourselves as victims, we can finally recognize that the problem is not of our own making. The harm of the original family is caused by the parents' education model. At the same time, we can accept our parents' irresponsibility and the mistakes in their education model because they were also first-time parents and learned many things from the previous generation. When you stop obsessing about these things, your psychology will change a lot for the better!

3. Seeking professional psychological treatment is a great idea!

If you are unable to reconcile with your family of origin, it is highly recommended that you seek professional psychological treatment or counseling. You can also seek help on the Yi Xinli platform or talk in the counseling room. Psychology is a fantastic way to improve your life. Now that we are aware of it, it's great, and we no longer cling to our family of origin. Now we can start to understand ourselves, heal ourselves, and become a better version of ourselves. At the same time, when we have children, we can also better raise the next generation.

I really hope this helps the original poster!

I'm a career planner with 22 years of experience in cross-industry management consulting. I've seen many friends in similar situations. I'll briefly answer your question.

If we feel angry about our family of origin, there are two typical consequences.

First, we can oppose our family members, emphasize their problems, and try to change them, which can make them angry.

Second, we may cut off contact with a family member. This kind of distance temporarily makes things better, but in the long run, all the unresolved conflicts in the original family will come up again.

It's better to focus on yourself and what you can change. Staying independent means staying calm. Clarifying your position doesn't mean alienating the other person.

Also, be more proactive and think about your relationship with the other person.

The influence of the original family cannot be eliminated quickly. Sometimes it is better to be independent and develop your own strength first.

Strength lets you take care of others.

I hope this helps. You can also talk to me or follow my WeChat account: Vin the Career Planner.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm always humble and modest, just like a valley.

If you can't change the environment, try changing a little bit more about yourself.

It's so important to accept your family from the bottom of your heart.

❀For families, it seems to add some artistry to the task of reincarnation, leaving people unable to make a decision. But don't fret! There's still plenty we can do. We can soak up the nutrients from the family when we were ignorant. This means that when most newborns slowly perceive the outside world, they seem to be content as long as they can be fed. They're not picky about who takes care of them, either!

As we grew older and our self-awareness increased, we began to have our own ideas. We were proud of our parents' good qualities and also felt a bit inferior because of their bad ones. We also became sensitive and tried to understand certain problems in the family. Over time, our personalities began to be shaped by the hard lessons we learned at home. Later, many people called this "the original family," as if all problems could be attributed to it.

So, since there's no way to choose or change, what can we do for those who have raised us? Apart from a broad understanding of the hardships of those who have raised us, we should show more sincere love from the bottom of our hearts.

This may seem like a challenging task, but it's really just a big test. We all have our own unique ways of expressing ourselves, and that's okay! So, take a moment to accept your grandmother from the bottom of your heart. You'll not only see her quirks, but you'll also see her adorable side.

It's time to share more of the burden with your mother. You're already old enough to go to university, and your mother will gradually enter menopause as well. This is a great opportunity to show her that you can take on more responsibilities as an adult, whether it's the result of your own hard work or your mother's education. You're the ultimate beneficiary of your own achievements, so make the most of it!

How can we break this cycle?

❀It's time to stop complaining! As the wise ancients said, "Beware of one person's opinion when everyone agrees; beware of one thing not finishing when everything seems to be going well."

It's so easy to undo a good deed with a single complaint, but a bad deed can be fixed with a simple compliment. We all make mistakes, and maybe your complaint was just an offhand remark. But to your mom, it might feel like you're rejecting all the years of hard work she's put into raising you.

It's so important to remember that this kind of complaining will really hurt your mother's feelings. As we get older, we all become more vulnerable.

Use praise to change the atmosphere at home. Maybe in your family, conversations like the one between your grandmother and your cousin are common, so you're used to it and don't think you need to do anything about it. You always avoid it, but you could try something different!

If you can, try to be a peacemaker. Let both sides release their emotions a little more slowly. Through your own mediation, you can give each other more room to communicate. Every time you make an effort, there will definitely be some kind of change.

It's so important for the atmosphere of a family to be maintained by everyone in the family. Maybe in the past, your mother always treated you like a child and was willing to take care of everything for you. If this is still the case, we can show our mothers more concern in our daily lives and show our growth. How can we do this? Well, for example, you could try to get a scholarship at school, you could try to cook something delicious when your mother gets off work, you could go to the park with your family on weekends or at certain times when everyone is free, and after dinner, you could encourage your mother and grandmother to go dancing together.

In your mother's world, you are her whole world. She may not always know the best way to show her love, but that's okay! As long as we try, we can make our parents feel it.

Your parents will be so happy to see you grow and mature, no matter what it is!

From another perspective, you are a very happy child. I wish you all the best!

Hello, questioner!

I think a lot of us wish we could find a way to make peace with our families of origin, don't you?

Let's start with reconciliation.

The original family has a big impact on how our personalities develop. If you take a close look at your own actions and thoughts, you might notice that you have many of the same "shadows" as your family members. I think it's important to feel at peace with ourselves before we can fully reconcile with our family.

It's totally understandable to feel sad when you think your mom thinks you failed the college entrance exam and let her down. It's her business, though, and you know she loves you. What you might want to do is think about your own efforts. Why do you feel sad? Is it because your mom's attitude has given you a bad feeling? What is this feeling more specifically?

It's okay if you're not being trusted or encouraged. Try expressing these feelings to your mother and strive for her understanding and respect.

It's totally okay if your mom doesn't respond the way you expect in the short term. We all behave and perceive things based on our past experiences. If you're having trouble understanding why your family members respond the way they do, you can always focus your attention back on yourself.

If you can't get these things from your family, mindfulness meditation can be a great way to give yourself some love and affirmation.

In infancy, we depend on the unconditional love of our parents and material support to grow. As we grow older, we become more independent than before. When our family of origin is unable to give us the kind of love we long for, we can try to love ourselves. It's okay! Listen to and choose the right way to meet your inner needs, try to find spiritual and emotional support by establishing new intimate relationships; enhance your abilities and gain self-confidence by constantly feeling your value...

It's so important to accept the present, my friend.

As you learn to love and accept yourself more and more, you'll naturally start to understand the emotional needs behind the words and actions of your family members.

There's no such thing as good or bad when it comes to our needs. We just need to meet and respond to them. What makes people feel ashamed and unable to face and accept is often that the way and method we respond and meet our own internal needs is inappropriate. This can cause a certain amount of harm to ourselves and others. But as long as we can try to find a better and appropriate way and method to respond to our needs, our needs will better stimulate our life energy.

We can't change our family members, but we can change ourselves, and that's something to be proud of!

We can't always meet the expectations of our family members, but we can choose to love them in a way that's comfortable for both of us. That could mean spending time together, doing relaxing activities together, or giving thoughtful gifts.

And finally, I just want to say that nobody's perfect. We all try our best, but there'll always be better and higher goals ahead. So, it's good to stop and be grateful for all the efforts you've made in the present, because it'll help you move forward stronger!

I'm a big brain hole, but I love you, world! Thanks for reading!

Hello!

Host:

I'm Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I've read your post and I understand your feelings. You've also expressed your distress and sought help, which will help you understand and recognize yourself and your family members, and make adjustments to reconcile.

Next, I'll share my thoughts, which might help the poster see things differently.

1. First, reconcile with yourself.

The original poster wants to reconcile with his family. He wants to get out of his current situation.

Let's look at how to reconcile with your biological family. The first step is to reconcile with yourself.

Reconciliation with oneself means taking responsibility for your own life, emotions, and needs.

When we realize these are our own affairs, we may not be influenced by family members as much. We may be able to let go of expectations of family members.

If we let go of expectations, we can see family members for who they really are. Try to reconcile with yourself and take responsibility for your own life, emotions, and needs. We can also enjoy contentment when family members meet our needs. But if they don't, we can satisfy ourselves.

When our needs are met, our emotions are more stable. We can't control other people, but we can control ourselves. Looking within helps us reconcile with ourselves.

2. Understand the family's upbringing.

Each generation is raised differently. To reconcile with our biological families, we must understand why they are the way they are.

This may help us understand and get to know them better.

See where they grew up, how their beliefs and perceptions were formed, their limitations, and that they are ordinary people. See some of the "traumas" in their growth process and the disappointments in their life development. Then we may understand and accept them better.

3. Look at things with an open mind.

A key point in family conflicts is that both sides want to be right. This causes arguments because each person only sees their own point of view.

If we have a more open mind and respect other views, we can better reconcile with our original families.

4. Learning

The original poster can also learn psychology to understand themselves and their family better. This can help them reconcile with their family.

Reconciliation with your family of origin can't be achieved by answering questions. Give yourself time and space.

You don't have to rush. You can take your time with your problems.

I hope these help and inspire you.

Hello!

I'd love to know, at home, did the questioner ever give his mother a warm hug?

Even when emotions are running high, a mother can still give her child the most ordinary of hugs!

In this family, which consists only of the grandmother, mother, "me," and cousin, we can clearly see that the mother and grandmother, as the elders of the family, have come through very difficult times in supporting the family's livelihood. They have experienced a lot and have a lot to give. They long for love and care, and they are ready to receive it! They also lack a sense of security, and they are harsh and self-centered in their demands on their children, because they believe that is the safest approach. But they are ready to change!

So, while they may seem strong on the outside, children are actually affected by the same internalization process. They can feel their mother's unhappiness and inner insecurity, but they won't express it. They'll learn to suppress their emotions, just like their mother and grandmother. When they suppress their emotions to a certain limit, they'll explode. But here's the exciting part: when this happens, the elders will finally realize there's a problem. They'll try every means to calm down their anger and anxiety in their own way, but children are sensitive, and they'll feel even more insecure.

How can you bring your family together?

From the above analysis, it's clear that there's room for improvement in the role of the "mature male" in their family. This means there's an opportunity to create a more balanced family dynamic. If we assume that the mother and grandmother are truly mature and powerful people, they would ensure that the family's energy remains balanced and that the children feel secure. But we can do better than that! We can make them the role models they're meant to be. For such elders, children should first understand and sympathize with their hardships, and then fight for their own rights. They should express their true feelings to them, whether they can understand or not. We must first reconcile with ourselves, while respecting the elders' years of hard work and care. Taking care of their inner feelings is the only way to let the family's love flow!

? 1. Express love and care!

A family atmosphere that is not very good will inevitably hinder communication with each other, and it will be difficult to communicate emotionally normally. But there is a solution! With an understanding of the elders, as the younger generation, we must improve our emotional intelligence, express more love and care for our family, and pay attention to their inner needs. This warm atmosphere will make the tired hearts of our family members feel the gift of life. A little less complaining and more gratitude will lead to more tolerance and less friction when getting along with each other.

? 2. Get ready to establish some awesome communication channels!

The questioner is currently a college student, an adult, but has not yet entered society. They are not yet able to deal with many things with a mature mindset, so when dealing with problems, sometimes the original problem has not been solved, and new problems are triggered more often. But you can learn communication skills and create a peaceful communication channel! As long as you can really listen, many problems can be solved. Maintain this habit and slowly establish your own safe space to maintain your self-esteem. At first, maybe your mother won't understand, and your mother-in-law is getting old and may not be able to change much, but with time, this kind of communication will be effective.

It's so inspiring to see mothers become more self-reflective as their children grow and become independent. They start to delegate power and respect their children's sense of independence.

3. And don't forget about the younger brother! He needs your guidance and example just as much as anyone else.

As the youngest member of the family, my younger brother has a great opportunity to receive lots of positive love and nurturing. As he grows up, he will have the chance to play a bridging role, giving my younger brother a sense of security and providing him with support and encouragement. When he is unfairly treated by my mother or mother-in-law, even if I cannot defend him at the first opportunity, I will give him psychological counseling alone, telling him the objectivity of the situation and that there is nothing he can do about it. Daring to bare one's soul is not a sign of weakness, but of courage. My younger brother will feel valued and seen, and find comfort in his heart. His personality will not grow to be extreme, and he will be able to grow into a well-rounded person!

The good news is that as long as the family members are willing to give each other healthy love again, the warmth and happiness of a family can return!

I wish you all the happiness in the world! ?

Hello, I'm Hua Er, and I'm so happy to be here with you today.

I can only imagine how much courage it took for the author to share all of this. Even in the seemingly plain text, I can't help but get teary.

The original poster's question is a tough one: "How do I reconcile with my family, who are overly sensitive and easily angered?" I can see the original poster's desire for reconciliation, the attempts and efforts they have made, and also their current helplessness and confusion.

I just want to give you a big hug and say, "Before you try to reconcile with your family, take some time to reconcile with yourself first."

Before we can reconcile, it's important to understand what we're trying to reconcile. From the passage, we can see that there are a few main points:

The poor mother said that her son, who was studying to get a master's degree, didn't do well on the college entrance exam.

The poor guy! The mother said the main questioner didn't study well because he didn't work hard enough.

He wanted to speak up for his cousin, but he chose to avoid speaking out due to past experiences.

After expressing her feelings, her mother slapped her.

In a nutshell, it seems like the questioner's thoughts and her mother's aren't quite on the same page. It's sad to see that the questioner often gets more negative comments when she tries to seek comfort and attention from her mother. And the cousin's educational environment reminds the questioner of her own childhood experiences.

All of this is full of contradictions, which has caused the questioner to become deeply involved and to try hard to escape. It's so hard to know what to do! The more they struggle, the deeper they get stuck.

Now that you've found the key, let's see what we can do!

Give yourself a big pat on the back!

You are really great! Why not try saying to yourself, "I'm really great!"

I can feel that the questioner's mother is probably quite strict, and the questioner is really great for shouldering this strictness! The questioner also thinks about his younger brother, cares about his grandmother, and understands what his mother and grandmother are thinking.

You are really great!

Let your mom be angry if she is.

If our mom is upset because we haven't met her expectations, let her be. It's like if we lost money or missed the bus.

It's so important to remember that her anger and emotions are not our own. The same goes for her demands and wishes — they're her ideas, not ours.

Of course, it also depends on the situation. If we really did something wrong and made our mother angry, then we should apologize and try to make things right. But we can also refuse our mother's unreasonable demands if we feel they're unfair.

We all have the right to choose. It's up to the questioner to decide whether to stay in those negative emotions, or to step out and explore the world on her own.

Hey there! I know exams can be tough, but try to make peace with them.

It's not just about getting over the disappointment of not getting into the college of your dreams. It's also about accepting yourself and your mother for who they are. We all fail sometimes, and that's okay!

For example, when I was filling out my college application, my mom convinced me to switch schools, and I ended up going to a place I wasn't totally excited about and studying a major I wasn't super interested in. I felt a bit resentful for a while because it felt like I wasn't the one making these choices.

I often wonder if I could have made my own choices back then, would I have been less sad in university, and would I have been more determined in my study path? ? How did I come to terms with it later on?

I've thought about it a lot, too. I went to a school that wasn't my first choice, but there were so many great things and positive stories that happened there. Looking back on all the happiness, I don't think I should dwell on the choice I made back then. I've come this far, and there's no turning back, so I'm just going to keep moving forward with a smile!

Oh, complaints and dissatisfaction! What should we do?

Or, could we maybe find a different way to complain? Since our mom always responds to our complaints with something negative, we could try not complaining to her.

We can always talk to someone else, like a good friend or a stranger, and express our feelings in a different way. And remember, not all dissatisfaction needs to be expressed to the other person.

We can find a happy medium here, and the way we express our dissatisfaction can also be a little gentler.

Just do your best!

It's so important for us to know what we can and can't do. If we're not quite ready for something, it's totally okay to wait until we are!

Let's do it when we're able and ready!

Let's think about how we see the university!

What is a university? Does a university necessarily teach us a very strong level of employable skills?

Oh, goodness! Does the university really impart all the knowledge? Well, it doesn't seem like it does, does it?

Some teachers may not be the best at teaching, but that doesn't mean we can't still have great conversations with them!

At the same time, we also need to separate universities from high schools, where the model is based on academic performance and teachers are desperate to instill knowledge in students. It's so important to remember that universities are different! They are more likely to expand students' thinking, show them the world, the diversity within their major, and the infinite possibilities.

The university may require more self-study, which is also more liberating, and students are allowed to freely explore their interests.

So, how can we make these differences work together?

Let's go back to the original question: how do we reconcile with our family? Maybe we should try to reconcile with the past first. And if we can't reconcile with others, let's try to reconcile with ourselves first.

We can try to accept that things aren't yet reconciled, and we can also gradually work towards reconciliation through changing our perceptions, through self-reflection, and through our own psychological growth.

I'd also like to suggest a few more books that I think you'll find helpful: "Let Your Loved Ones Suffer" by Zhang Defen, "I'm Really Great" by Cong Feicong, and "Nonviolent Communication."

I really hope this helps the person who asked the question. Wishing you all the best!

Hello!

My friend, I feel lucky to have met you. From your account, it's clear you want to improve your family relationships but feel helpless and powerless. You feel bad inside, in pain, not knowing what to do. The atmosphere in your family affects you and your younger brother.

I want to pay close attention to you. From your words, I can tell you are kind, sensible, and highly sensitive.

It's time to recognize the value of high sensitivity. This talent is often underestimated, but it's a special nervous system and an innate advantage in perceiving and processing information. This makes sensitive people highly insightful. They pay attention to a lot of information that others ignore. This allows them to pay close attention to the feelings of others, gain the trust of others, establish deep relationships, and be more creative than the average person.

Your oversensitivity allows you to feel the bad emotions from your mother and grandmother. You need to learn how to deal with them. Avoidance is not the answer. As for how to reconcile, I think we have to start with ourselves and find our true selves.

1. Be self-supporting and self-nurturing.

Take care of yourself, speak up about what you need, and seek understanding and satisfaction from others.

2. Know your emotions.

When emotional changes occur, take a deep breath and ask yourself: Why am I feeling this way? What are my needs?

I will understand my emotions and the reasons behind them so that I can understand myself.

3. Learn to calm yourself.

4. Know your limits and set clear boundaries when it comes to excessive stimulation.

Know your limits. Set your own tolerance levels and find ways to avoid overwhelming stimulation in your daily life.

5. Respect happiness and develop creativity.

A positive attitude towards life often requires thinking from a different perspective. The mother's behaviour suggests that she wants your approval and understands her hardships and difficulties. Similarly, the grandmother's behaviour indicates that she wants your attention and hopes that you are doing well, but doesn't know how to express it.

Often, some difficulties are just an imagined or exaggerated problem in our own minds. Think about it from a different perspective. You'll see it's not as difficult as you thought. Talk about it.

There's nothing wrong with being highly sensitive. In fact, it's an advantage for highly sensitive people. When we understand our own characteristics, learn to accept ourselves, and master it, it will serve us and help us live our ideal selves.

When we accept and understand ourselves, we will know how to communicate with others better and express our thoughts and needs.

I am confident that what I have said has given you food for thought. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to help you.

You've got this. Everything will be fine.