How can partners build trust and security when the boyfriend always likes to test?

Hello! If we just look at the latter, how can partners build trust and a sense of security?

It's all about how we act and interact with each other.

It could be something you did, or maybe something you didn't do.

It could be something you said, or something you didn't say.

It's so important to remember that the way you and your partner act and communicate affects your immediate sense of trust.

Does that sound a little strange?

Let me explain it this way:

Your boyfriend likes to test the water, probably due to some things going on inside of him and also some things going on in your relationship.

Oh, sweetie, why does he think you don't love him?

Do you truly not love him? Or is it just that, in your view, those actions and omissions don't show whether you love him or not?

For example, you might be feeling a little tired of his tests and would rather not just accommodate him and tolerate this situation when he gets angry.

Have you had a chance to tell him how you're really feeling?

Forgiveness can sometimes feel like a hidden disapproval, even when we feel like he's done something wrong.

Have you told him, or expressed to him, that you feel his presentation in front of you is inappropriate? Or even, do you think he is wrong?

People are complicated, and you can't stand the test, and neither can your boyfriend. It's okay! We all have our moments.

So, you can test him because of many reasons, and you can trust him because of many reasons.

It's tough to say. He's going through some self-esteem issues and could really use more recognition and attention. It's also hard to tell if he's really being honest about who he is. It seems like he's struggling and wants to avoid the issue, but he's blaming you for it.

So, to make it simple,

Take care of yourself, love yourself, understand yourself, think about your bottom line, and make sure you know for sure whether you really love this boyfriend by your side. You've got this!

And what qualities do you recognize in the other person? What attracts you to them? And are there any qualities you just don't feel you can live with?

Of course, if there is, it might be best to just move on and start fresh.

And if there are ways in which you're not totally happy with how you get along with each other, how can you work through them together?

It's so important to bring it up! Find a time and place where you can chat, and make sure it's somewhere private.

It's so important to talk about it seriously and openly.

At the end of the day, is this situation his own or something that's happening between you two?

If it's his own issue, what can you do to help?

What else can you do for each other, my friend?

You'll be able to feel better about each other if you do this. For example, you don't have to accommodate and tolerate, and he won't be unable to trust you excessively.

Is there something more he needs from you? I bet there is! And I bet there's something you can do to end this and earn his trust.

Or, you could tell him that you don't like his testing, or what kind of freedom you need in order to enjoy the good things in your relationship and love him more.

This is a balancing process, my friend.

And also, it's so important for you both to decide together whether you're right for each other.

If he can't trust you, he'll be stuck.

If you're always tolerant, you might find it a bit difficult to move forward.

If you can't build trust between the two of you and feel secure with each other, you might find it difficult to stay together in the long run.

After all, in the long run, can you really trust him? I know it can feel like whatever he does is a test to see how you react, but I'm here to tell you that you can trust him!

And the same goes for you too!

There are so many stories in life!

How you want to write and what kind of behavior you take to improve the root cause of all this in order to get that direction answer. I'm here for you if you need any help with that!

I hope this is helpful for you!

Hello, host! I'm Xiang'er.

From what you've told me, I can see that you're feeling pretty helpless and exhausted right now. I get the sense that you're trying really hard to gain your boyfriend's trust and change your current situation, but it can feel like you're up against a wall.

I'm here to help! Let's work together to figure out why this is happening.

Let's talk about your boyfriend.

1️⃣ Perception of loyalty

It's so important to remember that a person's perception of an event will affect their view of it. I'm really sorry to hear that your boyfriend is suspicious of you. It can be so hard when we feel like we've done something wrong. Have you ever thought that maybe he has his own perception of fidelity?

It's so hard when our partners have unreasonable beliefs. For example, he thinks that it is only normal to reply to a message within a few minutes, and that if you like someone, you have to cling to them and be clingy every day.

I wonder if it could be that your boyfriend read some biased relationship science online and used it as a technique to determine whether the other person has changed their mind?

2️⃣ Boyfriend's past experiences

It's so interesting how a person's past experiences can shape their thoughts and feelings. Could the boyfriend's insecurity be linked to his past romantic experiences?

Has he experienced betrayal before? It's so important to understand if the time you spend together reminds him of his failed relationships.

3️⃣ Self-assessment by your boyfriend

I'm wondering if the insecurity of your boyfriend might be related to his own conditions. Is it possible that he doesn't rate himself highly and has a sense of inferiority?

Could it be that he's feeling insecure because of the differences in your situations? It's possible that he feels like you're better off than him and that you have more options outside of your relationship. It's also possible that he's worried you'll be disappointed in him.

Now, let's talk about you, the original poster.

1️⃣ Regarding your words and actions

I'm not trying to offend you, I just want to help you understand what might be going on. Could it be that your boyfriend's noticing some things that you might have overlooked? It's possible that he's more sensitive than you realize, and that he's worrying about things that you don't even think about.

It might be that the host is really good at socializing with people and chatting with both male and female friends without setting any boundaries with male friends. This could make her boyfriend feel insecure, as if you might be taken away at any time.

2️⃣ Let him know how you feel!

It must be really tiring for you every time your boyfriend gets angry and you have to appease and soothe him. It would be so great if he knew how you feel!

Have you had a chance to tell your boyfriend how you feel? I can see how you might feel a bit aggrieved by the misunderstanding, but I'm sure he'd love to hear from you.

It's so important to be trustworthy! It only takes a moment to destroy trust, but it is very difficult to build it. Xiang Er has some tips for the original poster to consider.

1️⃣ Be honest, my friend!

Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and the foundation of trust is honesty. Being proactive and honest can really help to reduce any suspicions the other person might have.

For instance, if you have a date with a friend, it's always a good idea to let them know who you're going with and where you're going. Or, if someone sends you a message, you can always tell them who said what to you. If you feel like you're being monitored in this way, it might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but it'll quickly become second nature if you think of it as giving the other person an explanation.

It's always a good idea to take the initiative and explain things to your partner. This way, they'll feel valued and won't have to worry about making assumptions.

2️⃣ Increase communication between the two of you!

It's totally normal to feel insecure in a relationship sometimes. It's just that communication is key! If you don't know what your partner is thinking, it's only natural to apply "formulas" indiscriminately. But this can lead to feelings of doubt and suspicion. So, make sure you maintain good communication! Let your partner know what's on your mind, how you're feeling, and what you've been up to. Be open about everything, and your partner will feel at ease.

The other person knows your situation, and they'll feel totally at ease.

3️⃣ Do more together to make your relationship even stronger!

There are so many fun activities for couples! The first choice is often something the two of you enjoy together, like a hobby. The second is usually something a little more popular, like going to the movies, shopping, or going on an outing. Just play sweetly together, and you'll naturally feel secure in your relationship.

It's so important to nurture relationships, and I really hope that my analysis and suggestions will give the poster some inspiration!

I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

It is my personal opinion that for your boyfriend to feel secure in the relationship, it is essential that you provide him with sufficient acceptance and support. Furthermore, it is crucial for us to feel secure in the relationship, as this also has a significant impact on him.

In order to maintain a sense of security in an intimate relationship, it is necessary to engage in introspective reflection, modify internal patterns, and consistently endeavor to trust oneself. It is essential to invest more time and energy into understanding and developing oneself. Ultimately, one's trust in oneself serves as the foundation for one's sense of security in any relationship.

When a single mother experiences emotional distress, she may unconsciously or deliberately convey messages to her daughter that reinforce a particular belief system. These messages may include statements such as "Don't trust men," "Women must rely on themselves," "Don't become overly invested in relationships," and "If he treats you poorly before marriage, what will he do after?"

This will have a direct and significant impact on the formation of the daughter's adult relationships and her worldview. Consequently, when she reaches adulthood, she will exhibit a tendency to be suspicious and to test others.

Even if she meets a reliable man, if she has been socialized to believe that all men are unreliable, then subconsciously she will constantly test and try to see if the other person really loves her. This may manifest as challenging the man's patience in various ways, acting up and being jealous, hoping that the other person will unconditionally appease and tolerate her every time, until she has used up all of the other person's love and patience.

Ultimately, upon the departure of the individual in question, the subject will come to the conclusion that men are untrustworthy. This is because beliefs create a matching reality, which in turn reinforces the belief in question.

Our personality model is, in fact, our comprehensive belief system, which interacts with one another. Our personality model will reinforce our belief system, which, in turn, reinforces our personality pattern.

Furthermore, it will result in a transformation of one's personality pattern.

If our inner patterns remain static, it will be challenging to break free from this cycle and become the person we aspire to be. Therefore, it is essential to understand how these patterns are formed.

This is directly related to the attachment patterns that were formed during childhood.

Psychological research, as evidenced by the renowned stranger situation experiment, indicates that children typically exhibit three primary attachment patterns during infancy and early childhood.

1. Secure attachment: A child with a secure attachment can engage in play with toys without anxiety when in the presence of their mother and will not exhibit a tendency to cling to their mother. When their mother departs, they will display distress, but upon her return, they will promptly seek contact with their mother, rapidly regain composure, and resume playing.

2. Avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment pattern. Children with this type of attachment do not experience significant distress or concern when their mother leaves, nor do they pay much attention when she returns. They may briefly approach and then walk away, displaying neglectful and evasive behaviors. These children do not perceive a notable distinction between the comfort of their mother and that of a stranger.

3. Anxious attachment is also an insecure attachment pattern. The individual exhibits a strong resistance to their mother's departure, a tendency to seek contact with their mother upon her return, and displays resistance and even anger when this contact is denied. Additionally, they are unable to calm down and engage in playful activities.

Further research has revealed that individuals who lack a sense of security in intimate relationships often exhibit characteristics associated with insecure attachment styles. These include avoidant attachment, characterized by indifference or coldness in romantic relationships, and anxious attachment, which involves exerting excessive control over the other person, forcing them to comply, and maintaining constant vigilance.

In the event of difficulties within an intimate relationship, individuals may experience feelings of being mistreated by their partner, perceiving them as the source of relationship issues, and exhibiting a reluctance to take the initiative in fostering positive change. Instead, they may succumb to feelings of anxiety and fear.

Indeed, the key to achieving security in intimate relationships is not to seek changes in the other person, but rather to undergo changes in one's own internal patterns and become secure attachments in oneself.

In order to become a secure attachment person, it is necessary to undertake the following actions:

1. Gain an understanding of one's own internal patterns.

If one can achieve a state of calm and engage in introspection, it becomes evident that a significant proportion of emotional experiences are rooted in the repressed longing for a sense of security that was not fulfilled during childhood. Intimate relationships can serve to evoke a retreat to the experiences of childhood, wherein the unfulfilled longing for that period becomes a source of need.

It is imperative to observe and inquire of oneself the reason behind the onset of any emotional state. This entails identifying the specific aspect of one's needs that has not been fulfilled.

It is important to ascertain whether one's expectations are based on the approval of others or the desire for unconditional acceptance. Additionally, it is crucial to identify any erroneous beliefs that may be influencing one's actions.

...

Gradually, one may discern that each instance of anger is rooted in a common underlying cause, namely, the core problem itself.

For example, I previously experienced feelings of anger directed at others for their actions, at my children for failing to meet my expectations regarding their homework, at my husband for engaging in mahjong activities that extended beyond a reasonable hour, and at my mother-in-law for exerting undue control over me.

Subsequently, I came to understand that the issue was not with them, but rather with my own misperceptions. I had been evaluating them based on my personal standards, and when they did not align with my expectations, I experienced discomfort. However, they are all autonomous individuals, and we have no control over their actions and thoughts. When I accept them for who they are, while also articulating my expectations of them, if they are unable to meet these expectations, I do not resort to measuring them against my own standards. Instead, I respect their independence and uniqueness. As a result, I feel a sense of relief and my relationship with them is becoming increasingly harmonious.

2. It is imperative to accept oneself and learn to care for oneself.

It can be argued that a significant proportion of our entanglements originate from self-denial and self-doubt. It is possible that this phenomenon is influenced by traditional Chinese culture, which often encourages self-criticism and the belief that one is inherently flawed.

Nevertheless, if one persists in focusing on one's shortcomings, one will be unable to break free from one's internal patterns and find the strength and courage within oneself.

One can only achieve emotional liberation when one learns to accept oneself and one's imperfections. This enables the release of resentment and anger towards one's parents from childhood. Furthermore, only when one learns to care for oneself and one's own feelings and needs can one develop inner strength and a sense of security.

The capacity to care for oneself necessitates consistent training and encompasses three fundamental components:

It is important to observe the situation calmly and without hasty action or resistance. Instead, one should learn to surrender to the situation.

In the experience of pain, the initial response should not be to hastily seek its elimination or to resist it. Instead, it is essential to cultivate a state of acceptance and recognition for the internal pressure and burden that are the source of the pain in the present moment.

I am acquainted with an individual who was frequently neglected by her parents during her childhood. When she desired to establish a connection with them, she would engage in self-deprecating behaviors and experience feelings of hopelessness. I recommended that she document her feelings during these instances, including the fear and guilt associated with her childhood experiences of abandonment. Over time, she came to comprehend the underlying emotions that shaped her attachment patterns, attempted to comprehend the nuances of these emotions, experienced the emotions that these patterns elicited in her life, and identified the repressed self-wishes and needs that drove these emotions.

It is crucial to acknowledge, however, that throughout this process, it is imperative to refrain from judgment and instead adopt a stance of observation.

Through constant awareness, one can gain a deeper understanding of oneself, including the underlying causes of suffering and the fundamental needs that must be met.

It is essential to establish a sense of connection and belonging within by connecting with our common humanity.

Life is not without pain, and it is inevitable that we will experience challenging periods. This is a fundamental aspect of our shared humanity, and it is a lesson that we must learn during our growth and development. By recognizing this, we can re-establish the necessary sense of connection and belonging within ourselves.

I am acquainted with an individual who has been experiencing difficulties in her professional relationship with her superior. She perceives that she is unable to maintain the pace of the company's progress at work and feels that her superior is unduly demanding of her. Despite her best efforts, she is unable to meet the expectations set by her superior. Conversely, her superior is unable to recognize her efforts and is displeased with her performance due to the numerous errors in her work.

Rather than attempting to actively resolve the situation, she believes that this is simply her inherent capability, and if it does not succeed, she will simply withdraw.

The subject's expectations of her superior are idealistic. She hopes that her superior will not be angry with her for not doing a good job and will not reduce her salary because she is now unable to keep up with the company's progress. In each meeting, when her superior points out her mistakes and shortcomings, she resists, thinking that she herself is not at fault. She does not want to admit her own inadequacies and resists growth.

One day, she encountered colleagues from other companies and realized that their lives were more challenging than hers, and they were not compensated as much as she was. She felt a sense of relief and realized that her previous mindset was limited. She understood that resisting the boss over minor issues at work was unproductive. She also recognized the boss's good intentions. The boss did not intend to embarrass her or harm her, but rather wanted her to adapt more effectively to the company's growth and development, continue to grow, and thus better adapt to society.

Upon observing this, her consciousness and resilience are stimulated, prompting her to take the initiative to cultivate and enhance her personal growth. Her inner self is imbued with a profound motivation for change, ultimately leading to a profound sense of inner connection and belonging.

It is important to treat oneself with kindness and to interact with oneself in a respectful manner.

Self-care entails the capacity to recognize the presence of distressing and painful experiences, to perceive the accompanying emotions, and to provide oneself with sufficient love and kindness during the process. This can be achieved through various means, including mental, emotional, physical, or behavioral actions. In essence, one becomes the inner parent of oneself, tending to one's inner child.

For example, when an individual experiences guilt, they can imagine what they would say to a highly regarded friend if they were in that friend's position. In that moment, the individual can offer themselves the same comfort: "I can see that you are prioritizing your needs and your bottom line, but your willingness is what matters most. A slight deviation from the goal is not a significant issue. Everyone encounters this situation, but tomorrow is a new day. I hope you will be kind to yourself, be patient, and forgiving."

The discovery of positive experiences through the implementation of continuous self-care practices has been shown to foster increased confidence. When individuals attend to their emotional and other needs in a satisfactory manner and continue to develop through their own efforts, their abilities and energy tend to increase, thereby entering a virtuous cycle that reinforces a sense of security and worth within the individual.

It is my sincere hope that you experience happiness.

Hello, I've read your question and I hope I can help.

Building trust in a relationship takes time.

Your boyfriend's jealousy may be related to issues he needs to resolve.

Your boyfriend wants you close, but he's worried you'll leave him. You're also tired of the relationship.

The other person is suspicious because they are nervous about you. This makes you feel like you have to accommodate them.

This way of getting along is damaging. It's helpful that you can come here and ask questions and seek ways to adjust.

If you love him, try these methods.

Help your boyfriend build confidence. Show him what he's good at.

Get to know your boyfriend better and guide him to self-awareness. Talk to him about his upbringing and listen to him.

❤️Improve communication. Be more open and honest with each other.

Opening up to each other builds trust and reduces suspicion.

I wish you well. All relationships take time to adjust. As long as you love each other, you will be happy together.