How do I get rid of these two toxic ways of thinking: self-deprecating thinking and fear of giving a bad impression?

Often, the problem itself isn't the real problem. It's how you perceive it. Everything has two sides: positive and negative. Sometimes one side is more dominant, and sometimes the other side has a greater influence. There's no fixed, unchanging proportional law for the development and change of things.

As the original poster said, self-justifying thinking is something a lot of people face, especially at work. For instance, to get more opportunities for growth at work, employees will often try to show off their abilities and determination to their leaders. This is so they can gain recognition and support, and then lay the foundation for their own growth.

It's great to be noticed and appreciated by your boss after putting in the work. It makes you feel more valuable. But if you've put in a lot of effort and not only haven't got the recognition you deserve, but you've also been criticised, it can feel like your efforts are worthless. You might even start to doubt yourself.

The same positive efforts can lead to different results, which can affect how we think about and perceive these efforts.

I don't think thinking itself is "poisonous." It's just a way for us to think about problems. As the questioner said, thinking has the effect of protecting ourselves. But this is only part of its function. It's also a reflection of how we see ourselves and what we need. In other words, because we think this way in our hearts, we will think and act that way.

This way of thinking isn't something you can eliminate, but you can make it stronger by learning new things and gaining more experience. When you have more knowledge, your natural thinking patterns will change, and you'll be better able to look at things objectively and make more informed decisions. But before you can do that, you need to accept your current way of thinking and relieve some of the pressure you're putting on yourself.

If you try to get rid of these toxic thoughts, you'll just end up getting deeper and deeper into them, which will only make you more miserable. It's important to remember that these toxic thoughts are also part of yourself, not something outside of yourself. Trying to cut them off is like cutting off and throwing away a part of your body, and the pain is unimaginable. These are just my personal views for the questioner's reference only. As for how the questioner decides, it's up to you to weigh the pros and cons.

Hello, I'm Xintan coach Fei Yun. Life is a beautiful journey, and it's not about appreciation, but about blooming!

I think the "self-justifying thinking" and "fear of giving a bad impression" you mentioned can be grouped under the topic of "sense of self-worth." Let's share and discuss!

? 1. We all care about what others think of us, don't we?

You mentioned wanting to "prove" something to customers and supervisors, and manage their "expectations." I totally get it! The starting point for doing so is the hope of gaining the other person's recognition and acceptance. "I am useful to you/I am valuable/I can create value."

As you said, this "pattern" is a great way to protect yourself, feel like you're part of a team, and show the other person how valuable you are. It's a wonderful initiative, and I often encourage my employees to "be your own advocate," too!

This includes your fear of giving a bad impression and disrupting the rhythm of things for the sake of "harmony and consistency." We all know how it goes! Emotional experiences are a bit like pleasing others, which can sometimes make you feel a little aggrieved.

You care because you care! You care a lot about what others think of you, so you always want to maintain a good image and reputation. But here's the thing: it's hard for one person to please a hundred!

If you have to "prove" your value to others, then you have to prove a lot, which can feel like you're giving up the initiative of your life to others. It's totally understandable if you feel drained!

I just wanted to mention that there are two types of confidence. One is confidence that comes from what you've done, or from how others see you, or from having things you can point to and say, "Look at this!" The other kind is confidence in yourself as a person. This kind of confidence doesn't depend on anyone else. It's unconditional and comes from within. I think this is what we're all looking for!

The other kind is confidence in oneself as a person. This kind of confidence doesn't depend on anyone else. It comes from within and is unconditional. It's true confidence!

2. How can we stop internal conflict?

It's totally normal to have conflicting thoughts and feelings inside. It's like there's a tug of war going on between what you think you should be and what you are in reality. It's okay to feel this way!

Desire is like an abyss. Your various "proofs" and satisfying other people's "expectations" are actually manifestations of desire. If you seek externally (to gain the approval/like of others and to remain consistent with others), no matter how hard you try, you can never fill that deep abyss of desire. I know it can be tough!

I know it can be tough, but there is a way to stop internal depletion. It's called internal cultivation. This is where you focus on yourself, on your own heart, and on your own patterns. It's a shift from the outside in. You'll become aware of the two patterns I mentioned in your question. When you change your external pursuits for internal cultivation, you'll find that you can "close the loopholes in your heart."

Your self-worth is totally up to you! It's all about how you see yourself. So, if you feel confident in your own skin, you'll probably feel more comfortable showing your flaws.

Hiding things is a way of not really knowing your own value.

I'd love to suggest two little exercises you could try:

(1) Take a look at what you're trying to hide right now. Choose something that's easy to see, admit your own shortcomings, and take the initiative to expose the lies that drain your energy.

(2) Look at what you're proving, and be brave enough to admit that what you're proving is actually what you lack.

I really hope this helps! I love you and the world loves you too!

I'd love to keep chatting! You can follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service," to stay in touch.

Hello there!

How can you let go of these two toxic emotions for good? I can imagine they've caused you a lot of internal conflict and you're ready for a fresh start.

You feel like these two emotions are poisonous, and you want to say goodbye to them forever.

It's totally normal to feel this way about your work! I bet you feel a lot of pressure from your job, and some of the practical tasks can be pretty intense. Plus, the relationships you have with your colleagues can also put a lot of pressure on you. These relationships can feel like they're intangible, but they often reflect the mirror principle.

For example, you mentioned self-justification, which is to prove your strength to others, especially to customers and supervisors. This requires the approval of important others. For example, you said you are afraid of giving a bad impression, worrying that others will think you can't do things or are inefficient.

It's also about getting other people on your side. We all need a little bit of approval from others to feel good about ourselves and our work.

It's totally understandable to feel this way. It's not easy to know whether others recognize your strength and approve of your work. It's as if you're expending energy, a kind of self-depletion, just trying to prove your worth.

In your work, you need the recognition of others. Could it be that you're feeling insecure about your work and not fully recognizing your own value?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on proving your own value, recognizing your own achievements, and showing the world what an amazing employee you are!

Every idea has its own unique strengths and weaknesses, and no idea is bad just because it takes a lot of energy to think about it. But we can't ignore it completely because, at the end of the day, it's our own idea.

These ideas are shaped by our own thinking habits and cognitive level. You're looking to get rid of or eliminate these, which is totally understandable!

Then you might think that some of these are your own faults. But you're wrong! We all have flaws, and that's okay. It's only when we don't approve of ourselves that we form an antagonism between ourselves and ourselves. This causes a certain depreciation of ourselves.

I'm sorry to say that this won't get rid of these flaws.

It's probably true that the more we push away these thoughts, the more they'll come up and the more intense they'll be. It's like when we say, "Hey, don't think about a red elephant!"

Have the red elephants gone away?

We should accept them as they are, because they're part of us and some of our thoughts. It's so important to try to understand their existence. As you said, they can be a bit draining, but they also have a certain value.

To exist is to have a reason. It's okay to have flaws, we all do!

We all grow and learn and become our best selves, not by getting rid of our flaws but by embracing them. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and that's okay!

If there were only good things and no bad things, we wouldn't be human. We'd be gods! So, we shouldn't get rid of our flaws. We should accept them all first.

It's so important to accept both our good and bad sides. Only by first accepting all of this can we grow and mature.

You can reach out to a counselor for some deep exploration. They can help you see the subconscious part of yourself and support your self-growth. With time, you'll learn to accept yourself fully, let go of negative self-evaluations, and find that those toxic emotions naturally disappear.

The world and I love you so much! We'd be really happy if you joined us on this journey of growth.

Hello, It's a pleasure to connect with you in this way.

From what I have read, I get the impression that you are a partner with excellent self-awareness. It is not always easy to see and share the thinking patterns that affect oneself, but you have done this and taken the first step towards "self-growth", which is really great!

Perhaps we could discuss the phenomenon you mentioned in your description?

You mentioned that self-justifying thinking, particularly in the workplace, is often driven by a desire to prove something to customers or superiors. You also observed that managing expectations can sometimes lead to internal conflict. However, you seem to recognize the advantage of this thinking in terms of self-protection. Given these observations, I would like to inquire further about:

1. Could you please elaborate on what you are trying to prove to your customers (or your boss)?

2. Could you please elaborate on why you felt the need to "anticipate their expectations"?

3. Could you please elaborate on the specific motivations that drive you to complete your work tasks every day?

I have made one slight alteration to the wording of one of the three points, because I feel that "managing" someone's expectations may not be the most accurate term. I wonder if "anticipating" might be a more precise expression, given our ability to do so. When we find ourselves in internal conflicts at work, it might be helpful to explore our sticking points in detail, step by step, to gain a deeper understanding of each one.

You then said, "People need groups and the motivation to provide value. This thinking protects us, but it also causes us considerable internal friction." I would be grateful if you could expand on this a little more.

Could you please tell me what kind of social atmosphere you think would be most suitable for you?

2. Might I inquire as to whether there is such a group in your current company?

3. If there is no such group at this time, who in the company could provide motivation to "provide value"?

4. Could I ask how long you usually spend preparing mentally for a business task?

5. Do you feel that you have high standards and expectations of yourself?

6. Could you please describe a state where you feel relatively less drained?

I hope it is helpful to mention the above six points. They are meant to illustrate that, whether or not there is internal conflict, it is often a matter of choice, in both work and life. Sometimes we feel internal conflict because we have high expectations of doing a job well or gaining recognition. In fact, at work, it is normal to have expectations of the quality of work. But when you are exhausted from a task, it may be helpful to stop, because your body is sending you a warning.

It might be helpful to consider that while work is important, it should not take precedence over physical health.

In response to your question about how to completely get rid of these two emotions, I would like to suggest a different way of looking at them.

Perhaps we could avoid discussing whether these two emotions are "toxic." It seems to me that these emotions may have prompted you to reflect on your own state of mind. It was this reflection that led you to recognize your feelings more clearly, and then to seek help.

As I mentioned earlier, I believe you possess excellent self-awareness, which has been further illuminated by these two emotions.

For this reason, we would never suggest giving up a certain emotion lightly. Instead, we would encourage you to consider the hidden driving force behind the emotion and use it to motivate you to get out of the predicament you are facing.

I hope this response and sharing will provide some insight into these phenomena and offer new perspectives for you to consider.

Please take care of yourself.

Hello, my name is Coach Yu, and I would love to chat with you about this topic.

Let's start with emotions. Emotions are made up of three parts: what we feel, what we see and what we do. Each emotion is our body's way of telling us that something inside us needs attention. When we miss out on a promotion or a pay rise, we feel sad. When we lose something we've kept for a long time, we feel angry.

As the questioner wrote, self-evident thinking is afraid of giving a bad impression. We can't blame it! But how can we completely get rid of these two toxic emotions?

First, let's get rid of the idea that some emotions are "poisonous." All emotions are just messengers, and they're not good or bad in and of themselves.

Let's ask ourselves: What do we want to prove to our customers? And to our superiors?

We can also ask ourselves, "What is it that I want to prove to my customers? What is it that I want to prove to my superiors?" And we can ask ourselves, "What is my inner need to be afraid of giving a bad impression? What is my inner need to worry and not be able to act?"

We can also ask ourselves, "What are my true needs?" If I take responsibility for my needs, what can I do?

When we become aware of internal conflict, we can try to record what our feelings are at the moment. Or give the emotions of the moment a name. It's totally okay to write about your feelings honestly and frankly. This will help us understand the origins and effects of emotions and also clarify the root causes of problems.

When we're in tune with our true needs, it's easier to tell the difference between what we want and what others want us to want.

Once you know what you want, you'll be able to say no to things that don't align with your needs. This can be a powerful way to find truth within yourself. Winnicott also said that healing happens when a person's truth begins to emerge, which I think is so true!

So, it's really important that we get to know ourselves and face the real us.

Next, let's chat about acceptance. We're all imperfect, and we all have a side we don't want to touch, which we might call the dark side. People around us don't want to accept it, and we can't face it ourselves. So we put on a mask and pretend to be someone else's favorite character, but we're tired of living like this.

I totally get where the original poster is coming from. I think this way of thinking is great for protecting ourselves, but it can also cause some pretty intense internal conflict.

Let's ask ourselves: What does the ideal self look like? And what can we do to become that person?

We can also ask ourselves, what would an ideal workplace relationship look like? What can I do to make that happen?

Let's also think back to our childhood. Do you remember how your mom would stop you from walking or holding chopsticks because she was worried about bad things happening? We all have these memories, right? We were so young, and we just wanted to do things on our own. But, as we grew up, we started to judge ourselves for things we didn't know how to do. We would say, "I can't do it well." This made us feel vulnerable as adults. We cared a lot about other people's opinions and feelings. This was because we had low self-esteem. We felt like we weren't strong enough. So, we blamed ourselves for our inadequacies or shortcomings.

We can be our own best friend! We can objectively evaluate ourselves, record our strengths and weaknesses, praise our own merits, try to adjust our expectations, allow ourselves to be true, and accept our imperfect selves full of flaws.

And finally, love yourself! It's so important to remember that bad emotions obviously have an impact on your life, but the poster still sensed their emotions in time and sought help from the platform. So let's start by caring for ourselves, taking care of our bodies and our feelings.

If you're struggling, you don't have to go through it alone. There are people who care about you and who can help. Talk to a family member or friend you trust. They'll listen to you and support you. If you need more help, there are also counselors who can provide guidance and support. It's okay to ask for help. You don't have to go through it alone.

We must also love ourselves, believe in ourselves, and take the initiative to build our own social support system. And we must experience the beauty of life! Always keep an ordinary heart, because an ordinary heart is a calm confidence, and confidence is a firm, ordinary heart.

Dear friend, I'm writing to recommend you for this position because I truly believe you are the perfect fit. Best regards,

Good morning. I extend my support and encouragement to you from a distance.

I am grateful for the opportunity to assist you. I hope that my input will provide you with the support and guidance you need. I commend you for recognizing the importance of proving your value in the workplace and for seeking more affirmation, encouragement, and recognition from your superiors and colleagues. I also commend you for seeking assistance.

It is important to note that both your self-defeating thinking and your desire to impress others stem from your inner feelings of inferiority, self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a lack of awareness of this part of your inner self. This makes you unconsciously expect too much of yourself, which in turn makes it difficult for you to be true to yourself in your interactions with others. You are always trying to be good enough, and you are especially concerned about others' attitudes and comments towards you, especially the negative ones.

You have a relatively clear awareness of this part of your needs in the workplace, and you want to make a change. In order to facilitate this, it is essential to allow and accept this part of your needs. The desire to be affirmed, recognized, and encouraged is the main source of a person's sense of intrinsic value and sense of belonging. When we feel that we are valuable and belong in a team, we feel safe, we also feel a greater sense of accomplishment, and we are willing to give more in this group, as well as actively grow and improve ourselves.

It is also important to recognize that your excessive concern for the affirmation, encouragement, and recognition of your leaders and colleagues indicates that this aspect of your growth needs have not been adequately addressed. It is relatively lacking and deprived, and you have not attempted to provide it to yourself through your own learning and growth. You have instead relied on external sources to meet this need. Therefore, it is essential to become aware of this aspect of your needs and to focus on developing it.

It is important to recognise that nobody knows you better than you do. In order to respond to and satisfy the needs of your inner circle of scarcity, you need to take the initiative and learn to do so through your own efforts. You can try to communicate with those around you about this part of your needs, but you have to accept that they may not respond in the way you expect. This is because they will only be able to give you what you need if they are also in a position to give you what you want. Otherwise, your desire to be responded to and satisfied in this part of your needs will make you feel frustrated and lost.

I suggest you read "Embrace Your Imperfect Self" and "The Courage to Be Disliked."

My name is Lily, the Q&A Museum's resident expert on all things audio. I extend my personal regards to you and the world at large.

Hello, I believe I can see your face in your words.

From what I can gather from reading your words, I sense that you are experiencing some internal conflict.

You have posed two questions:

(1) Attempting to prove something in the workplace, which may result in internal conflict

(2) A fear of leaving a poor impression on others, which can lead to internal conflict.

It seems that you feel you should get rid of these two toxic emotions completely.

I'm curious to know which two toxic emotions you're referring to.

I can only offer my own humble conjectures in this regard.

It may be the case that you would like to change two behaviors.

(1) to prove to others

(2) Having to adjust your own rhythm

It seems that both of these behaviors may stem from:

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the possibility that the underlying cause may be a fear of giving a bad impression.

It appears that you have consistently striven to "manage their expectations" in order to create a positive impression on others.

It seems that you have always striven to "manage their expectations."

Sometimes, expectations that are beyond our control can leave us feeling drained.

Some expectations may involve relinquishing your own needs, which can leave you feeling somewhat depleted.

I believe there may be other instances of this nature.

If it isn't too much trouble, could you think back to any other specific incidents?

It might be helpful to have another person to help you explore, sort, and understand these fragments of the past together.

If I might make one more observation, I would like to say to you:

Perhaps you feel that you cannot wait another moment to rid yourself of these unfortunate emotions and behaviors.

I believe that this internal conflict of yours is guiding you to discover and understand the real you. I hope you can take your time on the path of self-understanding.

I wish you the best.

It's interesting that I've encountered both of these issues as well. I've always been a bit of a loner, so I've had to be very careful about how I present myself. When I realize that the negative effects I'm causing myself due to self-evidence or fear of creating a bad impression have reached a certain limit, I take a step back, re-evaluate my logic, and decide to make a change.

Then, if you feel it is appropriate, you may wish to repeat the cycle.

It is certainly the case that these two ways of thinking are more instinctive or at the first level of consciousness. However, if you are self-aware on a regular basis, you may still encounter issues and have the opportunity to stop and reflect in a timely manner.

I wish I could offer you a more definitive solution, but I'm still searching for the answer myself.

If I might make a suggestion, when you feel uncomfortable about a certain behavior, it could be helpful to analyze it. If you find that you are acting on self-evidence or fear of damaging your image, it might be worth considering whether you should stop. Generally speaking, emotions can sometimes give us a signal that we should pause and reflect before we act.

In concrete terms, it could be seen as a kind of rationalization: Is the impact of this really that great? Do other people really care?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider how much this is affecting your life. Is it worth the extra effort to maintain your "image"?

After such an analysis, it is often the case that the behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable can be set aside, and that they are not as significant as you may have thought. You can then relax or adopt a different approach to dealing with them.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider some optimization before pursuing a radical solution.

People often think they must prove themselves at work to gain approval. This can cause stress because we seek external approval while ignoring our inner self-worth.

You don't have to prove yourself at work. This can lead to competition and comparisons, which waste time and energy. It can also damage your self-esteem.

Everyone has different skills, experiences, and backgrounds. This gives us different contributions and advantages at work.

We don't need to prove our worth to others. We should focus on using our strengths to achieve personal and team goals. Focusing on other people's comments and feedback will prevent us from realizing our potential.

You need to understand that self-acceptance is not about what others think. While praise and recognition can feel good, true self-acceptance comes from within.

We should accept ourselves as we are and try to improve. When we accept ourselves, we can stop worrying about what others think.

So, trying to get recognition and praise by showing your own advantages can lead to unhealthy competition and comparison.

This kind of competition causes tension and anxiety. Instead, we should work together to achieve common goals.

You also said you worry about making a bad impression. But it's not the most important thing to others.

They care more about what you can do and if you help the team and company.

Your attitude and state of mind are important, but not the most important thing at work. People often have certain expectations of you, such as being proactive and attentive.

Nobody's perfect. The key is to stay positive and show what you can do at work.

In the workplace, what you bring to the table matters most. Whether you demonstrate exceptional skills, creativity, or create value for the team and organization, these are what matter.

If you contribute to the team and organization, they will appreciate you, even if you're not in a good mood or not performing well.

Your performance affects your relationships with colleagues, supervisors, and partners.

Your attitude and behavior with others is also crucial. If you show sincerity, cooperation, and respect, and build good relationships, even if you occasionally underperform, others will still support you.

The above proves that internal conflict is unnecessary at work. Clarify your goals, improve your efficiency, and collaborate with your team.

If you worry too much about what others think, you're just putting pressure on yourself. Once you change your mind, you'll feel better.

Knowing your task goals is crucial for effectiveness and avoiding distractions.

Teamwork is key to success. It means supporting each other, achieving goals together, and relieving stress.

If you worry too much about what others think, you'll feel more stressed. Once you change your thinking, you'll feel less stressed and your emotions will improve.

In short, you can reduce stress by clarifying task goals, improving work efficiency, collaborating with the team, and changing perceptions.

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I get the sense that you're dealing with some self-defeating thoughts and the fear of giving a bad impression. It seems like you're worried that this kind of internal conflict will affect your future. First of all, I want to give you a big thumbs-up for being able to recognize this!

You want to get rid of this thinking because you're afraid it will affect your life. You also understand that it protects you and is the source of your motivation. The problem is that too little of it isn't good, but too much is also not good. It's a matter of quantity, and we can't have too much of this thinking.

I think it's great that you're asking this question now. It'll help you to stop going overboard. That's why I wanted to give you a big thumbs up right from the start. We know that there is such a principle in psychology, and that is that becoming aware of yourself is actually the beginning of healing. In other words, these thoughts of yours won't affect your life excessively.

So, how can we make our lives better? I'll share my views based on my personal experience.

First, accept that this is normal. To live a better life, we need to have a positive mindset and be careful not to give a bad impression to others. As you said, these are our motivations. It's okay to have done this a little, just like you'll find a way to adjust after you've passed it now. This is the way of yin and yang, adjusting with each other to achieve balance, and then developing at a new height to achieve balance again. This is in line with the laws of nature, so let everything in you happen naturally.

Second, brush up on your skills in all areas. Once you've identified your strengths and weaknesses, seek out help and learn on your own to gain knowledge in various fields. This will help you grow your knowledge and abilities. Our growth comes from resolving conflicts. Once they're resolved, we can move up to a higher level and enhance our abilities. So, don't be afraid of conflicts or problems. See them as an opportunity. It's important to seize the moment to improve your abilities.

At the end of the day, you've got to believe in yourself. You'll get better and better. You've got to have confidence and a vision. You'll do whatever it takes to achieve your goal. This positive energy will help you grow. You've got to keep that vision in mind. You'll get better and better through your own efforts.

You can do it! The world and I love you!