How should I get along with a boy who is strong on the outside but sensitive and vulnerable on the inside?

And perhaps you could consider offering praise for your kindness.

You sought assistance on how to navigate your relationship with your boyfriend and care for him. It is evident that you hold your boyfriend in high regard and have a profound affection for him. You are seeking guidance on how to interact with your boyfriend in a way that will foster a more harmonious relationship.

From what you've shared, I can see that your boyfriend may have some underlying needs that aren't being met. You seem to possess qualities that he may be seeking, which could be why he's feeling afraid and anxious.

He tends to express his worries and fears in extreme terms, which could be a sign of insecurity.

From what you describe of his family environment, it seems that although his parents are high-ranking officials, he may have lacked their company when he was young, which could have contributed to his lack of a sense of security. His parents' frequent words to him may have been to obey, or else, to study hard, or else, with very little consideration for his needs, all demanding that he grow up according to their wishes. So, it seems that your boyfriend is lonely again.

I'm curious, how do you manage to get along with such a boyfriend? You mentioned that you feel sorry for him.

I believe the highest form of love is compassion. You are a kind child.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful.

1. It might be helpful to express your love for him often, perhaps by telling him you love him or giving him a kiss when he's not paying attention. These little sweet gestures could make him happy.

2. It might be helpful to let your boyfriend know where you are at all times. This will help him to feel more important to you. You could say it a few times, and he'll slowly become more confident.

3. Perhaps you could consider making some agreements with him, for example, that you won't say "break up" unless you really mean it. It might also be helpful to try not to say harsh things.

Perhaps you could set aside two hours each week to communicate?

4. Displaying vulnerability: Women who display vulnerability are often very effective. You often allow him to feel that you can't live without him, and his sense of security will gradually be restored.

5. You might consider suggesting that he or you both receive professional psychological therapy together (it seems that he would benefit from this), to learn and grow together.

You are a kind and sunny girl. In your boyfriend's heart, you are probably like a ray of light that has illuminated his life, which is why he is afraid of losing you. I believe that your love can help him heal and make your relationship even better.

Hello.

Host:

I have carefully read the post, and from the content, it is clear that the poster wants to take good care of her boyfriend and help him. At the same time, I also noticed that the poster has bravely expressed your distress and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help the poster to better understand and get to know your boyfriend, and thus better help him.

I will now share my observations and thoughts in the post, which will help the original poster view the situation from a more diverse perspective.

1. I understand him better than anyone.

I can help you understand your boyfriend better. I can show you how his upbringing has shaped him. He may seem strong on the outside, but he's actually sensitive and vulnerable on the inside.

The original poster mentioned in the post that I feel quite sorry for him. He grew up in a family of high-ranking officials, so his emotions may have been suppressed all along.

His parents will show him off whenever they go out. He is now 25 years old, and he has a career.

He goes home once a year.

From these descriptions, it is clear that the boyfriend's parents gave him conditional love through their education. He learned that he must do something in order to be praised and receive love. Obedience was the price of his parents' love and affirmation.

A child in such an environment will do whatever it takes to survive and gain more love.

Children are often tempted to please their parents and do as they are told because this is the only way they can be treated well and loved. However, children also have their own needs when they are raised with conditional love. When they express their needs to their parents, the parents may reject and disallow them more. At this point, the child will think

These needs are not bad. These thoughts are not bad. They are part of us. Our parents do not accept the real us. They do not like us. We only dare to express the part that our parents approve of and appreciate. We strive to gain their love. But at the same time, we lack a sense of security inside. It seems that the real self is not liked or accepted. There may be a risk of being "abandoned."

The heart is therefore very sensitive and vulnerable. The host can review your relationship. In an intimate relationship, he will test you constantly, being cold one minute and warm the next, doubting your feelings. Once he senses that you don't give him a sense of security, he will become very anxious and furious (that is, he will say harsh things).

.

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These are tests for him to see if he is at risk of being abandoned.

He needs to be in a safe relationship where he won't be hurt.

2. Healing in relationships

Right? What can we do on the basis of understanding? We already mentioned conditional love, which makes him feel very insecure.

We can fill his sense of security by reassuring him. There is no absolute sense of security, but we can give him the reassurance he needs.

We must be like a container.

Appreciate the good things about him and accept the "bad parts" of him. Let him be his true self in the relationship. Make sure he knows that his true self is loved, liked, and allowed to express. Then, he will slowly heal the wounds he once had. Give the poster unconditional love.

In your daily interactions, you can make him feel secure by observing his cues and taking action. For instance, if he needs a hug, give it to him. Then, whisper in his ear, "I'm not going anywhere."

Then you can be pacified. You may need to try and think more.

However, just as providing unconditional love is not easy and requires a lot of energy, you must also consider whether you are mentally prepared for this.

3. Influencing him through learning

The host can seek help on the platform, which will give them a more diverse perspective to help them. However, answering questions has its limitations. It may not be able to help you solve the problem at once. Therefore, the host should learn some knowledge of the psychology of intimacy. This will help them better understand and recognize their boyfriend.

You can influence him and promote his personal growth by learning and changing. You can't change others unless they realize they have problems and need to change. You need to help him grow.

If you have the resources and are willing, you should definitely seek professional psychological counseling. Leave the professional issues to the professionals. As for learning, the host should read "Intimacy" by Huang Qituan.

I am confident that these tips will be of help and inspiration to you. If you have any questions, you can also click to find a coach for one-on-one communication and companion chat services to provide better assistance.

Hello! It seems that you are someone who is willing to explore and think hard in relationships.

It seems that you and your boyfriend have some difficulties in your relationship. He can be unpredictable and sometimes says harsh things without a clear prelude, which can be hurtful to you. If you want to improve your relationship in the long term, it might be helpful to understand why he behaves this way.

Perhaps the best course of action would be to prescribe the right medicine.

From your description, it seems that your boyfriend has gained and maintained his parents' love by maintaining excellent academic results. This love is conditional, which may have contributed to his perception of being very charismatic and outwardly strong. In reality, he may be experiencing a degree of internal pressure to maintain this image. His psychological strength may be somewhat limited, which could mean that he doesn't fully recognize his own strengths. He may not believe that he is truly outstanding, and his recognition may come from the evaluation of authoritative figures, rather than self-affirmation. This pattern of gaining and losing in intimate relationships from an early age may have caused him to amplify his strengths and hide his vulnerabilities. This pattern could potentially carry over into adult intimate relationships.

During his relationship with you, his attempts to test the waters, his sudden changes of heart, and his wavering are all signs of his fear of losing intimacy. It may be the case that he doesn't believe he will find true love, and he may think that only if he is strong and outstanding will you like him. It's possible that he hides his vulnerability and is afraid of being abandoned.

How might one go about getting along with someone like this? It may be helpful to provide him with a sense of security in your actions, to be gentle but firm in your attitude, and to consider taking him for psychological counseling if necessary.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

Specifically, behavioral security means that when he shows signs of doubt or mistrust, you allow him to doubt, but you also provide him with the truth. At the same time, you can also help to reduce the chances of him being suspicious.

It seems that he was trying to reveal his cards in advance to reduce the psychological shadow area caused by his uncertainty.

It is important to be gentle but persistent. I will share an example from a good friend of mine. When they first got married, whenever they had a conflict, her husband would run away from home or say harsh things about getting a divorce.

After running a few times, she came up with a solution: as soon as she noticed the first signs, she would block the door or lock it. This way, her husband would be unable to go out, and she would say something like, "I don't want you to run out. I know you won't be in a good mood if you do, and I'll be unable to relax."

We decided to stay together to try to find a solution to the problem. I want to reassure you that I am not planning to divorce you. I know that is what you said in anger, but I hope we can work through this together.

"At the same time, he made some reassuring gestures. After several such situational interventions, her husband stopped using extreme methods to solve problems. Afterwards, he was also very grateful for his wife's tolerance, and he gradually opened up and expressed his negative feelings, which enhanced his sense of psychological security.

Given the unique circumstances of each situation, it's difficult to say whether this example will be helpful to you.

Your efforts are likely to be helpful to him, but it is important to assess the situation objectively based on your actual situation. It is also important to ensure that you do not exaggerate your own energy, as this could result in you burning yourself out without being able to help others.

Your efforts may well prove beneficial to him, but it is important to assess the situation in an objective manner, taking into account your own circumstances. It is also vital not to overestimate your own capabilities, as this could lead to exhaustion and a lack of ability to help others.

If you have tried many things without much success and you are feeling exhausted and at your wits' end, you might like to consider speaking to a counselor. They can advise you on whether to do individual or couple counseling, depending on the situation. It can be helpful to have a professional third party to turn to.

I hope you and your boyfriend can find a constructive way to communicate and maintain a harmonious relationship.

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm excited to help you!

Thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your suffering so that we can help you! You want to understand people who appear strong on the outside but are vulnerable on the inside, and you want to be able to get along with them well and give them a sense of security.

It's time to understand how you feel, feel how hard it is for you, and give you a hug! Let me introduce you to a few amazing methods.

Personality

Scorpio boyfriends are strong on the surface and they are also academic achievers from an early age, which makes them the best children in their parents' eyes!

They are also very good at work. However, once they enter into an intimate relationship, they will test the relationship in new and exciting ways, alternating between coldness and warmth, and exploring the nuances of my feelings. Once they feel that I do not give them a sense of security, they will become very anxious and crazy (that is, they will talk nonsense), which is a fascinating turn of events!

1⃣️, competitive

As you can see, Scorpio boys are born with a strong and uncompromising personality and a very competitive spirit. And it shows! You see their apparent strength, academic excellence, and outstanding performance in the workplace. This is an expression of their inner self-demand and self-transcendence, with which they constantly fill their deep desires.

Scorpios are always on a mission! They're incredibly determined and have an unwavering fighting spirit. They're strategic and methodical in their approach, making them a force to be reckoned with.

2⃣️, Apathy Now, here's something a little different!

Scorpios also have some fascinating flaws that make them delightfully mysterious. Many Scorpios are enigmatic and reserved. No matter what you talk about, they will always be a bit aloof and uncommunicative, and their answers will always be cryptic and intriguing.

He is very concerned about personal privacy, which is great because it means he values his own space. He also holds a grudge, which is a good thing because it shows he's passionate about things. If you say the wrong thing inadvertently, he will be offended and will remember it and seek revenge, which is a sign that he cares about what you say and that he's not afraid to stand up for himself.

Therefore, you may feel his emotional expression is inconsistent. But don't worry! Deep down, he is actually very passionate, and he's just keeping it hidden because he's so indifferent. His competitiveness makes him appear outgoing and assertive, which is great because it shows he's got a lot of energy and is ready to take on the world!

And it also shows the vulnerable and extremely uneasy side of his heart, which is really fascinating!

3⃣️, Personality Now for the really fun part! Let's dive into his personality.

Your boyfriend is sensitive and self-centered, which makes him an intriguing individual. He also has a melancholic personality type, which adds depth and complexity to his character.

A melancholic personality has so many amazing qualities!

Characteristics: thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and a pursuit of truth and beauty!

He has so many amazing strengths! He's delicate and perceptive, loyal and reliable, and he's also talented and insightful.

On the downside, he can be a bit obsessive, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

Therefore, he is very sensitive to your words and actions because you are a secure type of personality and you will feel at ease living with or without others around. He, on the other hand, has the opportunity to be more sensitive and respond more intensely.

He's got a lot on his mind! He's full of anxiety and fear, so he says harsh things to save face and control.

2. Conflict manifestation

You said, "I actually feel sorry for him. He grew up in a family of high-ranking officials, and his emotions may have been suppressed all along."

He gets so excited when he gets praise for studying! He is now 25 years old, and his parents take him out to show off his amazing career.

(He goes home once a year)

But I'm different! My parents were so supportive, never interfering with my studies when I was growing up. They gave me the freedom to develop my interests and passions, and I'm so grateful for that. I even started my own business and absolutely love my career!

1⃣️ The influence of the original family

Boyfriend

His fascinating dual personality is also related to the education he received in his family of origin. His parents were very invested in his academic success and used his grades as a way to demonstrate the effectiveness of their educational approach. This made his parents relatively strong-willed and eager to exert control, often prioritizing his academic achievements over his emotional well-being and personal thoughts.

He's got a lot going on inside, and it's taking its toll. He's got a lot of suppressed emotions, and it's affecting him.

Your boyfriend has developed a very pleasing response to this kind of strong suppression. He obeys his parents' wishes to win their favor and attention, which is great!

He's got his parents' attention with his great grades and ability to show off his smarts. He's got a great sense of self-worth, and he's eager to show it off to his folks.

This also makes him feel that his parents are still paying attention to him, more or less. He is very excited to know that they still care about him, and his heart is filled with joy and confidence all the time.

You

You are different! Your parents gave you a lot of love and trust. They also cared for you very little, which has made you independent. Your parents may be cold and warm towards your relationship, which makes you feel uncertain at times. Therefore, you know the state of hesitation in relationships.

You are afraid of intimacy, which is totally normal! You also lack a sense of security, which is something you can work on together.

2⃣️, Attachment affects

Boyfriend

I can see that your boyfriend is definitely an anxious attachment type!

People with an anxious attachment style are passionate about relationships! They invest all their emotions in a relationship, and they want the other person to develop the relationship with them as deeply as they do. When intimacy lags, it can make them feel uneasy, and sometimes they even worry that their partner doesn't value them as much as they value them.

Anxious attachment people are always very vigilant in intimate relationships, constantly pondering every move of the other person. They're always on the lookout for any signs of instability in the relationship, which can make them feel insecure. So they act suspiciously and speak rudely, covering up their inner fear and unease.

You

Your parents have given you plenty of trust and love, which is great! However, this can sometimes make your emotional concerns ebb and flow, and your emotional demands can seem contradictory. When the other person shows a lack of further interest, you might back off instead. I suspect you have an avoidant attachment style, which is something you can work on!

Avoidant attachment types are often so eager to find love that they get a little overwhelmed. They tend to withdraw before the relationship has a chance to turn in a positive direction, are suspicious and cold towards love, and believe that others are unreliable or too eager to make commitments. But with the right guidance, they can learn to trust again and embrace intimacy.

You are someone with an avoidant attachment because your parents were too relaxed with you. This is a good thing! It helps you grow up. However, it also has a fatal flaw. I pay too little attention to your emotions and show it in fits and starts. This means you can't get it when you want it. Sometimes it's overwhelming, but you'll get through it! I'm also afraid to accept too much love.

You feel conflicted about whether your parents actually love you as much as you think they do. You project this conflict onto your ex-boyfriend, and you worry that he will treat you the same way your parents do. You also feel insecure and anxious after being apart for so long. But you know what? That's okay! It's totally normal to feel this way. And you're going to get through it.

3⃣️, confused

You said, "At first, I didn't understand his constant testing and felt insecure, which caused me to doubt that he was planning to marry me for real. But he always said that I was so good...and so on...

? Not confident

Your boyfriend's contradictory behavior—appearing strong on the outside but weak on the inside—has presented you with a fascinating puzzle to solve. Why is he so insecure despite being an academic star? You later realized that it was his upbringing in his original family that caused him to be so insecure—a fascinating insight!

It's great that you understand the impact of a person's upbringing in their family of origin on their future!

You also don't have confidence in him because he constantly reaffirms your love and because of the shadow of your past. His testing shows that he attaches great importance to emotional experience, but his inner uncertainty leads to uncertainty in his words. This is an opportunity for you to show him what a great attitude looks like! You can help him get a clear attitude by being consistent and confident in your words.

The man in the net

From what he said, you can see that he is troubled and has a low self-esteem, and is afraid to confirm that he is good enough for you. But you can help him! Because he has trapped himself in a quagmire of his own making, he has lost himself and become trapped in the web. But you can help him!

3. How to respond

You said, "How should I take good care of him like this? What are the specific ways? Please answer!"

You really want to regain his love, and at the same time, you want to reassure him, make him as strong and confident both externally and internally, and dispel misunderstandings. And you can do all of this in the following ways!

1. Know your strengths and build your self-confidence!

Tell your boyfriend about all your amazing strengths! Show him how you can make up for the differences between you and he'll be so proud of you!

Usually, in your interactions, he will be unstinting in his praise and encouragement when he does something well. This is because he wants you to admire him and build up his self-confidence.

2⃣️, meet expectations!

He may have a gap in his emotional needs, which can lead to a strong sense of insecurity. But there's no need to worry! Pay more attention to his emotional expectations and needs, and meet his needs.

?? Insight request

He's telling you how wonderful you are! It's like he's saying, "I want to be as amazing as you!"

This is a form of projection, and it's fascinating!

Projection is an amazing process! It's when we realize our unfulfilled expectations by projecting them onto others. When we project onto others, we're actually transferring impulses, motives, attitudes, and behaviors that we don't like or can't bear but that we possess onto other people or things. We think that other people or things also have such motives and behaviors, which is pretty cool!

In fact, he is expressing his envy and expectations in this way, which is also a way of transferring responsibility to the outside world.

Give him what he needs!

You understand the expectations and demands behind his words and help him to fulfill his expectations. Become someone worthy of his envy!

It's time to share your experiences!

Your actions, mannerisms, and conversations will help him understand that your current state of life comes from your parents' attitude towards you. And you'll both get to experience the amazing feeling of receiving your parents' sincere trust and love!

You have amazing, deep conversations, and he totally gets that changing your relationship starts with mutual trust and love.

Absolutely encourage expression!

His lack of confidence lies in his inability to show off his strengths and express his wants and needs. But you can help him overcome this! You can encourage him to express one wish related to the two of you every week, and then work together to make it come true. Every wish that comes true is a source of emotional satisfaction for him.

Over time, he will be able to express his emotional needs actively without envying others.

3⃣️, Give him the power of love!

The parenting style of your original family has a profound impact on you. It is a challenge, but you can do it!

You give each other expressions of love so that you can feel each other's true love for yourself!

Love needs to be expressed, and it can be expressed! This is the bridge that enhances your relationship, love, and understanding.

Everyone has their own unique way of understanding and expressing love. Dr. Gary Chapman has come up with an amazing way to categorize the different ways people show and receive love. He calls these five "languages of love": "affirming words," "quality time," "gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words are a wonderful way to show your love and appreciation for someone. They can be as simple as a kind word or as grand as a poem. Whatever the case, affirming words are a great way to brighten someone's day and strengthen your bond.

It doesn't matter if you're friends, colleagues, lovers, or husband and wife—you need to shower each other with praise and affirmation, and more positive feedback, to deepen your relationship with each other!

And now for something really special!

A thoughtful moment is a wonderful moment and a wonderful memory that you share together, such as a candlelit dinner or doing something meaningful together. During this time, give your full attention to the other person. It's a truly magical experience!

Gifts are a wonderful way to show your love and appreciation!

Exchanging gifts on important holidays is a wonderful ritual that strengthens the bond between you and your partner. The gift itself becomes a symbol of your love and commitment to each other.

Service actions

In short, it means doing what the other person wants you to do and making them happy through your service in life. And it's so rewarding when you do! These service actions are often small things in life, but they can have a huge impact.

Physical contact

Holding hands, hugging, and other physical contact can increase feelings for each other and is a wonderful manifestation of love, a beautiful silent language of love.

When you can use the five expressions of love, you will use them well! You can truly experience love for each other, your uneasy hearts will naturally be put at ease, and your feelings will gradually grow as you become more adept at expressing your love. Their ability to love will also improve as a result of your interactions!

I really hope these suggestions help you! I'm rooting for you and your relationship!

And finally, I wish the original poster all the happiness in the world!

Good day.

It would seem that the landlord has a great deal of confidence, given that his parents never bothered him about his studies when he was young and gave him money and time to develop freely.

I believe that emphasizing the differences between you and your boyfriend could be an effective way to attract his attention.

He has never had such a life, but it seems that deep down he longs to be able to live it, even if it is just for a day.

If you can continue to develop in a healthy way, there is a chance that his wish for a fairytale-like day will become a long-lasting one.

It would be helpful to consider that this may be viewed in different contexts.

It is often the case that boys who are appreciated by girls are willing to please them.

It's possible that he spoke with a hint of inferiority when he said this. It seems that he may have developed the illusion that no matter what he did, he would never be good enough because he was subject to too much management and constraints when he was young.

Perhaps he could benefit from allowing himself the space to be vulnerable, which could be a step towards self-redemption.

It's possible that he may not yet be aware of this, so if you express acceptance of his vulnerable side, he may gradually come to feel that his vulnerable self is very real. Perhaps without the shell of the outstanding child in his parents' eyes, this is how his comfortable self really is. He may gradually come to accept his own vulnerability.

The relationship allows each person to become more fully realized and complete.

It seems that you can also relax naturally when you are with him.

It would seem that you have together created an entirely new space, which is completely different from the environment created for him by his original family.

It would be helpful to consider how you might maintain a sense of boundaries with his family in the future, so that his family does not interfere too much in your lives and decisions.

I believe there are two sides to every coin. Perhaps we could also discuss the current situation? It seems that the questioner has encountered the other person's "losing their temper and saying harsh things." It's possible that this is caused by a lack of security and anxiety. Here, we can also see the flexibility that the questioner's self-confidence brings to the relationship, and the impartiality of their attitude.

"Heartache" can be thought of as a kind of chemical effect, similar to the way oxytocin works in women.

It is also important to communicate to your partner at an appropriate time that you have emotions and feelings as well and that you love, accept, and respect them. At the same time, you also need to be loved, accepted, and respected. There will also be times when you cannot control your emotions.

It is possible that if you adapt too much to the other person, you may end up becoming the receiver of emotions and the provider of emotional value, which could be seen as going too far.

Because you and he are both good people, there is no need for either of you to hold back.

It might be helpful to try expressing your feelings more when communicating.

In a relationship, it is often the case that both parties grow and develop in different ways.