How to achieve reconciliation with oneself? How to regulate emotions within the heart?

Hello, landlord. I hope my answer is helpful to you.

I get where you're coming from, and I can see you're trying to work on yourself and understand your own psychology. It's true that on the road to personal growth, we'll face a lot of confusion. As you said, the people you don't like reflect that you have some internal issues. So, you're pointing the finger at yourself, feeling that it's because you're not accepting yourself enough that you can't accept others.

I should mention that self-reconciliation and self-acceptance is a long process. It can take a lifetime to practice and grow. We can't fully accept ourselves or others at once. Even many famous psychologists are still learning. So, we're all on the path of learning and growing.

Accepting others doesn't mean repressing your own needs or forcing yourself to approve of them. What we mean by acceptance is understanding and supporting others emotionally. But when it comes to some issues at work, you can still express your ideas and suggestions, which is also a kind of help to the other person. Acceptance doesn't mean approval, but rather permission and understanding. Whether it's for ourselves or for others, acceptance is only the first step towards growth. After acceptance, you have to take further action, that is, move and advance in the direction of your desired ideals.

We can only do the things we want to do with a relaxed attitude and full of energy if we accept ourselves. Self-attack and self-doubt, on the other hand, lead to a lot of internal friction, which affects our state of mind and also our work efficiency.

Depending on your particular situation, I'd like to offer you the following advice:

1. Make self-acceptance a constant practice.

Self-acceptance is the foundation of self-confidence and self-change. A lack of self-acceptance can lead to a lack of self-worth, which can in turn cause a lot of negative experiences, such as anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and personality disorders.

Self-acceptance is about having a positive attitude towards yourself and your own characteristics. It means being able to accept your current situation without feeling proud of your achievements or inferior because of your shortcomings. It's a right that everyone is born with.

You don't have to have outstanding achievements or make changes that others want in order to be accepted.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow said that a healthy person can accept themselves and human nature without getting upset or complaining about it. He said it's like not complaining about why water is wet or why rocks are hard. We can live well with our shortcomings and flaws.

Knowing where you stand, what you need, what you want, what you can do, and what you can't do is part of accepting yourself.

Accepting yourself means that after seeing your own imperfections, you can stay calm and patient with yourself, knowing that you can keep improving and growing in reality.

Accepting yourself means appreciating what you have, respecting yourself and others, being able to see your differences from others, and understanding that your life is special. You can accept yourself even if you don't get praise from others.

Accepting yourself means recognizing that when you make a mistake, it's not a reflection of who you are as a person. You allow yourself to make mistakes and understand that they're a natural part of life. Mistakes are a learning opportunity.

Accepting yourself means accepting all the real phenomena in life. That means you're neither subjective nor bigoted, neither arrogant nor humble.

As Romain Rolland said, "There is only one kind of heroism in the world, and that is to love life after you have understood the truth about life."

Then, we also need to love ourselves after taking a good look at ourselves.

How can we achieve self-acceptance?

It can be tough to accept ourselves because of our past experiences. We often felt like we weren't accepted when we were growing up, which led to a pattern of self-rejection and self-criticism. When we encounter challenges or imperfections, that same voice in our heads can come back and make us feel like we're not good enough.

So, self-acceptance takes practice. I practiced for a long time before I saw gradual improvement in my level of acceptance. It's still challenging to fully accept yourself. But from my experience, the more you accept yourself, the more confident you'll become, the more motivated you'll be to change, and your state will continue to improve.

So, think of self-acceptance as a skill you can practice every day, not something you're born with. You can get better at it with a bit of practice.

Here are five ways to cultivate self-acceptance, as revealed by a clinical psychologist:

1. Set a goal to accept yourself.

"Self-acceptance begins with intention," says psychologist Geoffrey Sumber. "It's important that we set a goal for ourselves to transform a world of blame, doubt, and shame into one of inclusion, acceptance, and trust." This idea acknowledges that self-loathing doesn't lead to a satisfying life.

Sambur said, "If I set the goal that a life of self-acceptance is better than a life of self-hatred, I'll start to see a chain reaction within me that'll help me adapt to a more peaceful life."

2. Record your strengths.

Write down one of your strengths every day, affirm your value, and see your strengths. You'll discover what you're good at. And by playing to your strengths, you'll feel more confident than if you try to correct your weaknesses.

In today's world, we can make up for our weaknesses through teamwork, while our strengths will show what makes us special.

3. Get support from your relationships.

Spend time with people who make you feel comfortable. They'll accept you unconditionally, support you, and love you, which will help you feel more stable, peaceful, and joyful.

4. Have a conversation with your best self.

Imagine you're interacting with your best self. Picture your best self looking out from inside you and checking out your current situation. What advice would your best self give you?

This visual separation helps you move beyond your current self—the one that's suffering—and tap into your inner wisdom, or your best self, to facilitate healing.

This exercise teaches us how to be our own best parents and show ourselves compassion and love. You can spend a few minutes meditating and doing this exercise when you're in a crisis or need guidance or self-comfort.

5. Model the behavior you want to see in yourself until you really achieve it.

If you don't think you're a valuable person, start by giving yourself value and holding onto this belief. We can only forgive our mistakes and give up the need for approval from others when we can unconditionally accept ourselves.

We all make mistakes, and so do other people. Our identity isn't defined by our mistakes.

If we lack something inside, we'll look for it outside. If we can't accept ourselves, we'll especially long for the acceptance of others. But everything outside is unstable. So, we can only gain stable acceptance by turning inward. When we achieve self-acceptance, we won't care so much about the approval and evaluation of others. Then, we can gain true inner freedom.

2. When it comes to relationships, learn to communicate your feelings and needs in a non-violent way.

The point of communication isn't to prove who's right and who's wrong. It's to get to know each other better, understand each other, and help the relationship grow.

We need to communicate deeply in relationships, express each other's needs and feelings in a timely manner, and establish a deeper emotional connection and emotional communication. Nonviolent communication is a great tool for this. The steps are: state the objective facts, express your feelings, express your needs, and request the other person's actions.

Just a heads-up: When you're sharing facts, try to be objective, not critical or accusatory. Be clear about your needs and feelings, and be specific when you ask the other person to do something. The more specific, the better, so they know exactly what you need.

For instance, you could say to your colleague, "When I was training you, I felt that you lacked some basic knowledge of Office, which made me spend a lot of energy and time teaching you these things. I really didn't feel comfortable with it. I think you can learn more about these basic skills in your spare time, which should be more helpful for you. I hope you can (state your specific needs)...

By communicating with each other, you'll understand each other better and build a stronger connection. He might also share some of his own feelings and needs. You'll see that things aren't always as you imagined and you'll understand him better. Then, you'll be less affected by his emotions.

3. Find ways to release your emotions that make sense for you.

As you said, you can't suppress your emotions. They'll find a way to come out eventually. So, you need to find ways to release them. You can choose from the following ways that suit you:

1. Spend time with the right friends and talk to them about your concerns and confusion. It's important to choose friends who can offer you support and encouragement, and who you feel comfortable with.

2. Get some exercise, do those sports you like, and relax your body and mind while you're at it.

3. Writing therapy: Just write down all your inner feelings and thoughts on paper. Don't worry about whether your handwriting is neat and tidy, or about the logic of the content. Just express your feelings as much as you like.

4. Punch a pillow or a sandbag to release your anger by hitting something soft.

5. Use the empty chair technique to release emotions. Just place an empty chair in a room and assume that the person you want to confide in is sitting in it. Then you can express yourself to the chair (anger, abuse are fine).

Wishing you the best of luck!