How to adjust to or make changes in a dead marriage and toxic family relationships

Hello. From your description, it seems that you feel a sense of suffocation from being trapped in your marriage. However, I am unclear as to why you have been willing to endure the pain for eight years.

From your statements, I can discern two reasons for your decision to remain in the marriage: one is economic, namely that your quality of life will decline if you get divorced, and the other is that you are accustomed to this way of life and are concerned about the challenges that the unknown and changes may bring.

The foundation of a marriage is the relationship between a husband and a wife. A deterioration in the relationship between a husband and a wife may result in the dissolution of the marriage.

From your description, it appears that there is a lack of communication in your relationship, rather than any significant conflicts. You have been married for nine years and have an eight-year-old child. It seems that your marriage is on the verge of dissolution.

There is minimal communication between the two parties, despite residing in the same household. This is a common occurrence in many marriages due to a lack of communication. If the objective is to avoid divorce, it is possible to enhance the relationship through effective communication.

Have you considered this option? You stated, "In the early years of my marriage, I was so heartbroken that I no longer had any hope for him or for us."

"And gradually, I don't care about him at all," which is a rather alarming situation. As the adage goes, "there is no greater sorrow than a heart that has died." If this is indeed the case, then by staying in the marriage, you have also chosen to let yourself suffer. In fact, there are numerous possible choices in life.

You elected to evade and tolerate the situation. You believe that this has resulted in a greater sense of ease and comfort.

Please clarify whether this is indeed the case. From your narrative, it appears that you are experiencing distress and a sense of helplessness.

You indicated that the remaining 50% is the vulgarity of your in-laws and their dislike of you. In fact, if the in-laws in a marriage do not reside together, they can maintain a distance and remain at peace with each other when they have occasional contact.

It is important to remember that the actions of in-laws are their own responsibility. In most cases, in-laws make an effort to maintain a positive relationship with their daughter-in-law because they want to support their son-in-law. If the couple's relationship is not positive, it can create challenges in the relationship with the in-laws.

I believe that your primary challenge is a lack of security. This is not solely an economic issue, but also a lack of confidence within yourself, which is reflected in your own lack of confidence and in your relationship.

Couples can discuss and resolve conflicts together on an equal footing. You are reluctant to address the issue, preferring to suffer in silence. You say you are not interested in communicating, but I believe you are afraid to do so. I encourage you to reflect on your concerns. What are you worried and afraid of inside? You can create a list and analyze each item to determine if these perceived problems truly exist.

Make a list of your strengths and identify the advantages you have that can help you resolve this situation. Remaining in a marriage is a decision based on a cost-benefit analysis, not a spontaneous choice. It is also important to understand your husband's perspective. Is there a reason why he has not initiated divorce while remaining in this relationship?

Additionally, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether there is a sense of loss associated with this situation. If so, it may be helpful to recognize that the perceived challenges in the relationship may not be as significant as initially thought.

Any relationship is an extension of the self. For a relationship to be harmonious, it is essential to first accept and reconcile the self.

First and foremost, you need to focus on developing your own strengths and abilities. This is not a matter of changing other people, but rather a personal growth journey.

The actions of others or their lack of decorum are their own concern. It is not possible to change others, but it is possible to change oneself and strengthen one's ego.

Hello, question asker. My name is Evan.

From the story the questioner told me, I get the feeling that the questioner may not yet have established a support system of her own in her new family, and it's like a guest living in someone else's home. In China, more often than not, the union of a couple is not just a matter for the two of them, but more of a matter for the two families.

If the two families have similar values, then it is likely that the questioner and her in-laws will get along relatively well. However, if their values are different, it may prove more challenging for the questioner to integrate into her new family and to receive support from her elders in her new home.

It seems that, in this new family, there is a lack of support for the questioner, which may have led to a certain degree of embarrassment and pressure. It would be interesting to understand why the questioner married her husband in the first place and why, after getting married, he did not provide her with the support she needed.

In a situation where it seems like there is no one to turn to, it can be challenging for the questioner to find their own sense of identity and purpose. It can also be difficult for the questioner to want to have a certain say in the family dynamics. I would like to extend a warm hug to the questioner and hope that they can find a little strength in this difficult time.

It is important to remember that the presence of the in-laws is an integral part of the situation that the questioner cannot ignore. It is not reasonable to expect the in-laws to listen to you, let alone to imagine that they will sympathize with you and think of you in everything. In the process of getting along with them, it would be helpful for the questioner to try to be considerate of them. They often have their own ideas, and their starting point may not take the questioner into consideration many times. In such cases, it may be helpful for the questioner to find a way to advocate for their own rights.

It is not for the questioner to say whether the family should leave. That is a decision for the questioner to make in light of her current situation. Of course, how the daughter-in-law gets along with her in-laws has always been a difficult problem in Chinese families, and it is also a problem that the questioner must face. It would be unrealistic to expect a solution all at once, but there are ways to make the relationship between the questioner and her in-laws more enjoyable. Here I will briefly give the questioner some tips on how to get along with her in-laws, in the hope that they will be helpful to the questioner.

It would be helpful to try to understand the motives of the in-laws in treating the questioner.

Could I perhaps inquire as to why the questioner's parents-in-law are treating her in this way? What circumstances might have led them to treat her in this way?

It would be helpful to understand whether this situation is a common phenomenon in China, or if the questioner is the only one who has received such treatment. It would also be beneficial to gain insight into how the questioner's in-laws treat their own children from the perspective of the questioner's original family.

It would be fair to say that this pattern is imprinted in their hearts, and that it will therefore be reflected in the family they form. It could be perceived that this is how parents should treat their children.

It may be helpful to consider why your in-laws are acting the way they are. Understanding their motives could help you to release your emotions, treat them more calmly, and feel more at ease.

It may be helpful to communicate with your in-laws.

It might be helpful for the author to try to communicate with her in-laws when they are in a good mood and talk about her feelings and thoughts. Even though the author lives with them, it could also be beneficial to try to see things from her in-laws' perspective and consider whether their actions are intended to provide better care for the author's family.

It may be helpful to consider communicating with your in-laws to gain a better understanding of their perspective and motivations.

It is not uncommon for parents' views on their children to be influenced by the concepts and patterns they have inherited from their own families. These patterns and concepts can also have a direct impact on the questioner's current family. One way to gain insight into the situation with the in-laws is to try to understand their views.

It might be helpful to show kindness to the in-laws.

The author may have a number of views on the way the in-laws behave, but it is worth noting that she still harbours a great deal of resentment towards her father-in-law. It may therefore be advisable to avoid releasing your own feelings of hatred too readily, particularly if the author is reluctant to leave the current family.

Some elderly people have practices that they brought from their original family, and these practices are already deeply ingrained in their way of life. It can be challenging to change them all at once. If you want to change them, you might consider starting by changing yourself.

Show your in-laws your goodwill. Even if you don't agree with some of their actions, it's best to avoid directly confronting them. Instead, try to put yourself in their shoes and empathize with their situation. Then, share your thoughts with them respectfully, so that they can accept you from the bottom of their hearts. Tell your husband that you're confident you'll get along well with your in-laws. Be open about how you interact with them. Even if something unpleasant happens, your husband will likely see it as a separate issue. By changing, you'll undoubtedly make your husband appreciate you more, and he'll give you positive feedback.

It would be beneficial to reinforce the idea that your in-laws are a positive influence in your life.

The questioner mentioned in his/her own statement that the father-in-law has sarcastic or other negative emotions towards the questioner. It might be helpful to try to ignore these emotions. When the questioner himself/herself doesn't care about them, the father-in-law himself/herself may also stop looking at the questioner with such a look.

It would be beneficial to praise your in-laws often for the good things they do. In front of your in-laws, you might consider sincerely praising them for what they have done well that meets your expectations, especially for the things they have done in certain areas that meet your expectations.

This approach allows your in-laws to gradually come to understand your preferences.

The questioner could consider purchasing their in-laws clothes they can wear or small items they can carry, according to their preferences. This could be a way of showing their in-laws' neighbors and friends that they appreciate their generosity.

If you are fortunate enough to receive praise from those around you, your in-laws may come to recognize the qualities they perceive in you. With time, they may even develop a respect for your opinions. If you then express your own requests, I believe they will be receptive to your ideas. It is important to note that these changes should be made when your in-laws themselves notice them, not when you take the initiative to ask about them. Otherwise, your in-laws may perceive your actions as a deliberate attempt to please them for a purpose.

It is best to avoid direct conflict with your in-laws.

It is not uncommon for in-laws to engage in behaviors that may not align with the expectations or preferences of their relatives-in-law. In such instances, it can be challenging to resist the urge to express frustration or to address the matter directly with the in-laws. While it is natural to feel this way, it is important to remember that direct conflicts with in-laws can have a detrimental impact on the newly formed family, the relationship with the in-laws, and the overall harmony within the family.

If you encounter a conflict or something you don't like, it might be best to let your husband deal with the problem.

When you go to bed, talk to your husband about what your in-laws did, but don't directly say what they did wrong. Instead, say, "I'm sorry. I didn't handle this matter in time and let my in-laws help, and it's made a mess of things." This is how pillow talk came about in ancient times. When you and your husband argue, take the initiative to take responsibility and tell your husband what you want. It's because of your own lack of ability that the situation has taken a turn for the worse.

If the husband were to consider the questioner's ideas and ways to improve the situation, and when he was unable to do so, he would take the initiative to negotiate with the in-laws, it would likely lead to fewer conflicts with them.

You might consider finding a family counselor.

If you find it challenging to accept your in-laws' behavior and communication style, you might benefit from seeking professional psychological support. I gently suggest that you can find some psychological counselors, family guidance counselors, or listening counselors on some psychological platforms, and share your concerns with these professionals. I believe they will have relevant communication skills that will help you navigate your relationship with your in-laws more effectively.

I hope my answer is helpful to the questioner!

Hello, question asker!

From your frequent accounts, I understand that you are currently experiencing considerable difficulties in your family relationships (spousal and mother-in-law). I can sense your helplessness, your confusion, and the dilemma you face in your endurance. But don't worry! I'm here to help.

You've taken the first step to making a change in your life today by writing down your difficulties and grievances. This is an amazing start!

You would love to have someone help you "analyze the causes or give advice, even if it is just to help me find the root of the problem and help me recognize what has caused me to think and behave in this way." Well, you're in luck because that's exactly what we're going to do!

1- It's time to understand the nature of the relationship, clarify your role in the relationship, and understand your own value and needs!

From your description, it seems that several core relationships in life are involved, including the couple relationship, parent-child relationship, and relationship with the older generation. This is indeed a bit complicated, but it also means there's plenty of room for growth and change! You seem to be at the nexus of these relationships: the mother of your child, the wife of your husband, and the daughter-in-law of your in-laws.

Of the three important relationships, there's room for improvement in both the husband-wife relationship and the relationship with your mother-in-law. It seems like you are all in the same family, but there's a world of opportunity for closeness!

In this relationship, the only thing that seems to give you comfort is the parent-child relationship between you and your child. If there is still a chance to repair the father-in-law relationship, then by all means, go for it! It would be best if it could be repaired.

The saying goes that nine out of ten mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are not harmonious. This reflects the difficulty of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but it also shows that it is possible to reconcile these relationships! If your relationship with your husband is still okay, then this relationship can also be reconciled somewhat.

It seems that improving any relationship is a challenge, but it is definitely possible!

You can even talk to a counselor about the details!

Li Songwei's "16 Lectures on Thinking" offers a fascinating perspective on relationships. It suggests that all relationships are essentially a kind of cooperation, where each partner provides what the other lacks. This means that whether it's a husband-wife relationship, a mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship, or a parent-child relationship, there are actually mutual needs involved.

This need has both an emotional and an economic aspect, which is great because it means there are lots of ways to meet your needs!

So, think about what role you play in this relationship! What are you giving?

What do you hope to get out of it (your needs)? Are you willing to make these sacrifices?

Is that a valid reason? Absolutely! And there are plenty of other channels where your needs can be met.

2-Separating issues is a fantastic way to take responsibility for your own life, whether you accept or change!

Once you've sorted out the value of your role in the relationship and your personal needs, you'll have a much clearer idea of how to deal with the relationship. Whether you choose to continue accepting it or to take the brave step of changing it, you'll be taking the initiative to take responsibility for your own life. If, as you say,

You're staying together because you want to provide a secure financial future for yourself and your kids.

And since these two needs cannot be met by other means for the time being, then choose to accept them with open arms! Face them with a positive attitude and you'll be amazed at how quickly things start to look up. Every time you think about it, the fact that you are enduring this for your own sense of security and for the sake of your children may make you feel better.

If you find that one day you have enough strength and your external support system is sufficient to provide financial security and a good standard of living for your children, then you can always make another choice!

As for "toxic" in-laws, I think changing them is a matter of "asking for trouble." But don't worry! If you really want to change them, you can only start by changing the way you view them, if you are patient enough. And if you don't live together or have frequent contact, you have the perfect opportunity to start fresh!

If your family still needs the help and support of your in-laws, then embrace the ways they can add value. If you can have less contact with them, then just be polite. After all, the stubbornness and character of the older generation was not formed in a day or two, and perhaps there is a reason for their existence.

So, you can separate the issues and see who will be responsible for the outcome if things continue to develop in this way. If it is their fault, they are responsible for it themselves, and if you are the one who has to take responsibility, then you take the initiative to make changes.

In short, you can absolutely find the role and issues to play in a "complex and unbearable" relationship! Be clear about what you can do, let go of what others have to do, minimize your own psychological burden, and gradually increase your sense of control.

I'm Wenquan, a heart explorer in the book world. I wish you all the courage in the world to live the life you want!

Greetings. I extend to you a 360-degree embrace.

From the aforementioned description of the problem, it is evident that this is a stifling marriage. Those struggling in such a marriage may experience a sense of being restrained, akin to a beast with its hands and feet tied, accompanied by feelings of anger and unwillingness. Concurrently, there is a lack of intention to leave this marriage.

Every family has its own set of challenges, and the decisions made by individuals are based on their unique circumstances and needs. In your case, you opted to remain in the marriage for financial reasons. This indicates that if you were to pursue a divorce, your ability to generate income would potentially hinder your ability to maintain your current standard of living, including that of your children.

Therefore, this marriage still has value for you. This value makes you willing to put up with the "dead marriage and toxic family relationship." With this premise in mind, let us consider what can be done about it.

First, it is important to consider the benefits gained from this marriage. It is evident that a child has been born of this union, and that financial security has been provided by the husband.

The cost of these benefits is internal depletion. When the benefits and the price are placed on opposite ends of a scale, the benefits are weighed more heavily, which is why one is still willing to remain in this relationship despite its negative effects.

It can be argued that all individuals maintain a personal ledger in their hearts, weighing the gains and losses of their experiences. In this case, the gains are the children and financial security gained from the marriage, while the cost is the mental and spiritual depletion experienced by the individual.

Given the inevitability of the situation, it is necessary to consider ways of reducing the internal depletion that is occurring.

First, one must accept the situation. I would propose that the more accurate term would be "resignation."

The term "accepting fate" is more intuitive and straightforward.

Many individuals are reluctant to acknowledge their circumstances. Despite being aware of the challenges they face, such as a troubled family of origin or an unfavorable marriage, they persist in questioning their fate. They often ask, "Why me? Why are they treating me this way?" or "This is not my fault; they should change themselves."

The inability of the in-laws to alter their behavior is the primary cause of my distress.

However, there are certain aspects of the situation that will remain unchanged regardless of one's acceptance or rejection of them. For instance, one's father-in-law may exhibit negative characteristics that are unlikely to change.

In light of these considerations, it is advisable to relinquish the hope of resolving the issue. Instead, it would be more productive to view the situation as a source of friction in one's life, which may impede one's ability to function at optimal levels. However, with time and adjustment, this obstacle will likely become less prominent, assuming one is able to adapt to its presence.

It is, however, still possible to salvage the marriage. This is a separate issue.

It is now necessary to accept the situation. The process is analogous to that of a physician treating a patient who requires surgical intervention due to multiple underlying conditions. The physician would not inquire about the cause of the patient's presence on the operating table. Instead, they would proceed with the necessary procedures, such as excising the lesion and administering medication.

The issues in question do not significantly impact the individual, and thus, they can be disregarded while continuing to navigate the challenges associated with the underlying condition.

Life is akin to coping with an illness. Therefore, one must first accept one's circumstances.

One can adopt a passive attitude and acknowledge that there is little one can do about the situation, particularly given the presence of these in-laws.

Secondly, accepting one's circumstances is merely the initial phase. The pivotal point is how one responds after accepting one's circumstances. At this juncture, it is essential to maintain an open mind and take action within one's capabilities.

Now that you have acknowledged the reality of the situation, it is evident that you require the stability of this marriage. Attempting to alter the behaviour of your in-laws is an unproductive endeavour; therefore, it would be prudent to abandon this pursuit. The relationship with your husband can still be salvaged, and this is a realistic expectation. However, it is not a priority at this time.

The most pressing objective is to undergo a personal adjustment.

One might posit that a gradual decline in emotional investment in one's partner has resulted in a concomitant increase in feelings of relaxation and comfort.

Nevertheless, as the adage suggests, it is implausible to assert that one harbors no sentiment whatsoever. If such were the case, it would be unlikely that one would pose the question in the first place.

It may be necessary to prioritize self-care before focusing on the marriage.

It is unclear from the information provided whether the individual in question is employed or engaged in other activities outside of the home. Regardless, it is recommended that they seek the guidance of a counselor or explore opportunities for personal growth outside of their immediate circumstances. In addition to their professional and domestic responsibilities, it is beneficial for individuals to cultivate a broader range of interests and activities. This could include engaging in physical activities such as sports, yoga, or meditation, as well as pursuing intellectual pursuits such as reading or joining a professional or recreational interest group. It is crucial to avoid allowing these concerns to consume all of one's leisure time. Instead, it is essential to seek out and engage with sources of support that can enrich one's life outside of the immediate challenges.

It is, of course, necessary to work hard in order to earn money. One may take a test in order to improve one's qualifications and subsequently increase one's salary.

Additionally, one may consider establishing a reliable ancillary enterprise and becoming a "slashie," a term used to describe an individual who earns income from multiple sources. This strategy can provide financial security, even in the event of a future divorce.

Thirdly, it is recommended that you attempt to communicate with your husband.

A marriage is a union of two individuals who seek to achieve a state of mutual benefit, happiness, and longevity.

While everyone's intentions are good, marriage is a different entity than a relationship. It is affected by numerous factors, making it more challenging to maintain than a relationship.

From the information provided, it appears that your husband may be unable to offer the emotional support you require, although he has provided financial assistance, which is a positive aspect of the relationship.

It is possible that he is unsure of how to navigate conflicts within the family unit, such as those between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Consequently, he may choose to avoid such discussions. Alternatively, he may be of the opinion that the situation will improve over time.

It is unfortunate that, in the absence of communication, problems will continue to accumulate and will not be resolved independently.

It is therefore recommended that an open and honest conversation be initiated with your husband. However, it is also advised that you first undertake some personal reflection and adjustment. You may wish to consider consulting with a psychologist.

It is recommended that couples counseling be considered if circumstances permit.

The marital relationship serves as the foundation for a family unit. Once this relationship is established, other relationships within the family will naturally fall into place.

As a counselor, I am often pessimistic and occasionally optimistic. I extend my love to the world and to you.

Hello. I am Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach.

I understand your pain in your marriage, your helplessness, and your anger towards your partner and his family. You feel helpless to escape your dead marriage. Behind these emotions, I also sense some indifference.

I see your "SOS" signal, dear. You have two options: make the changes yourself or accept that you have the ability to change them. Let's share and discuss some topics about marriage and family relationships.

?1. First, we will identify the issues that concern you.

(1) Unmet needs in marriage

A "dead silence" is a clear indication of the pain and serious problems in this intimate relationship.

Two people starting a family and establishing an intimate connection require love. Love flows between them and into the family.

You describe your marriage and intimate relationship as if you were roommates, with a lack of communication and especially emotional communication. When needs are not met, emotions naturally arise, accompanied by complaints, frustration, anger, resentment, helplessness, and powerlessness.

(2) Handling relationships with your partner and his family

Your in-laws are also a major cause of your loss of confidence in marriage. The fact that two generations, different values, and living habits don't align is extremely frustrating for you.

Your father-in-law's rejection and disparagement have made you feel lowly and doubled your inner resentment.

In every family, complex marital relationships influence each other. There's no question that parent-child relationships can trigger marital conflicts, and conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can escalate marital conflicts.

(3) The purpose of maintaining the marriage is clear.

You have chosen not to divorce because of your children and financial situation, despite no longer having any hope for your marriage.

You are full of complaints and resentment about the status quo. You also have to choose to bear humiliation for economic reasons. This has caused you great physical and mental pain.

? 2. Let's break the deadlock.

You must be clear about what you want.

(1) If you are free, you have new options. Rebuild your confidence, build your self-confidence, and walk out of this dead marriage purgatory.

Dear you, You failed to provide a detailed account of what transpired between you and your partner, and why he let you down so much and broke your heart. My analysis and judgment are that it is most likely due to family relationships.

A happy marriage must go through three stages of adjustment. In addition to the adjustment of the couple's interests, hobbies, and living habits, there is also the adjustment of the two families.

It may seem like a union of two people, but each party brings their own family of origin into their marriage. I can tell you are intolerant of him and his family.

(2) If you choose to endure for the sake of your child, you must adjust your mood and state of mind, accept the situation, and face it head on.

You mentioned a sense of security. Let me be clear: a good intimate relationship and a harmonious family atmosphere can give children a sense of security. If you just compromise and reluctantly maintain a marriage relationship, but your heart is full of resentment and the family is full of tension, it is very detrimental to your child's physical and mental growth.

Children are perceptive. They can sense when something is amiss at home. If parents conceal information from them, they will link it to themselves and wonder, "Am I the reason for the discord between Mum and Dad?" Over time, they will develop self-doubt, become accustomed to denial, learn to please others, and lack a sense of security.

Finally, I want to tell you, my dear, that marriage requires joint efforts and cultivation from both parties. Home is the best place for cultivation, but we have turned it into a battlefield.

In this relationship, you must stay aware and see both you and him, as well as your own patterns. At the same time, you must take your own share of responsibility.

Timely reflection is essential for both you and your child, regardless of whether the relationship can continue.

Read "Falling in Love with the Double Dance" by teacher Li Zhongying, who is very grateful to his ex-wife in the book.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.

If you want to continue the conversation, click "Find a Heart Coach" in the lower right corner and start chatting.

Good morning,

Take a moment to relax. When the surrounding environment is overwhelming or your mind is too chaotic to focus on the present, it is important to refocus your attention on the present moment. This helps to regulate your energy and prevent it from being dispersed unnecessarily. Paying attention to the changes in breathing is a way of turning your attention inward to observe yourself.

A healthy and stable family structure is a key factor in achieving happiness.

We have been married for nine years and have an eight-year-old child. Our marriage is on the brink of dissolution.

Communication was typically limited, and cohabitation was akin to that of roommates. In the early years of my marriage, I experienced significant distress, losing hope for the future. I was in a state of numbness and emotional distress.

Over time, I ceased to care about him at all, which made me feel much more relaxed and comfortable.

The marriage has lasted for nine years, and they have an eight-year-old child together. However, there is almost no normal communication, which makes the marriage appear to exist in name only. From the perspective of listening, I also feel that this is unfortunate, because this should have been a family with the conditions for a happy family. However, for some reason, it has missed out on happiness and perfection. Both parties have invested and contributed, which shows that there was once a "union" of cooperation, reaching consensus and achieving goals together. However, they have only encountered problems in the later stages and have disagreed on issues, not achieving their expectations. The sense of disappointment has intensified, and they have become "strangers."

Therefore, from the perspective of marital growth and the ever-changing external environment, the two parties in a marriage are actually constantly adapting to changes and growing in their relationship. When the growth rhythm of the two parties can be closer, it is easier to reach an agreement. However, there is no situation in which both parties in a marriage never change.

It is often the case that one spouse will be the first to initiate change, and at the same time, influence the other spouse to alter their behavior patterns. This is an example of the transfer of energy within a family structure and the mutual influence between family members.

For example, I am unaware of whether the in-laws in question reside in the same household. Regardless, their influence on the family is considerable. In particular, the father-in-law's negative evaluation and criticism of the questioner impedes normal communication. Consequently, the in-laws' involvement or lack thereof in the family's affairs has already had a detrimental impact on the family unit. As the son of the in-laws, the husband is caught in the middle, experiencing adverse emotions. These cannot be resolved through conventional communication, resulting in the anger directed towards the family, including the child.

It is essential to identify the underlying needs that drive the emotions and to re-establish the positive dynamics that contribute to a healthy family environment.

A marriage that is akin to chewing wax is painful, but why is a marriage like chewing wax, and the husband still chooses not to leave the marriage? Perhaps he also hopes that the children can be better protected and have a better quality of life, consciously or unconsciously aligning with the original poster's inner wishes. Both parties can still maintain the marriage. Secondly, he has also encountered emotional obstacles and is unsure of how to resolve them, which has made the marriage lackluster. He also cannot identify a definitive solution. These are all answers that require in-depth thinking and analysis to truly arrive at. However, when dealing with problems, it is often challenging to truly listen to and understand the other person in a brief argument. This is also the case where the more you argue, the less emotion is left.

It is often the case that the process of building an intimate relationship is not as glamorous as we imagine. Once a relationship has been established, it is necessary to address the challenge of accepting the full range of negative emotions that may emerge. These emotions may include feelings of insecurity, fear, helplessness, and anxiety, which may have previously been avoided or ignored. An intimate relationship can serve as a mirror, reflecting the hidden aspects of our personalities that we are often reluctant to acknowledge. The aim is to gain a deeper understanding and acceptance of these aspects.

It is therefore the case that when individuals encounter intimacy problems, particularly when extended family is involved, they are inclined to avoid further straining their brains and instead choose to either avoid, escape or deal with the problem coldly. However, this approach ultimately fails to address the underlying issues. Attempting to resolve problems with a negative mindset is an ineffective strategy that will not naturally resolve the issue and may even make it more complicated and difficult to solve.

It is essential to return to the core of the issue, identify the underlying causes, understand the other person's genuine requirements, and communicate our own needs and feelings honestly. This approach can effectively salvage a marriage that is on the verge of collapse and create an opportunity for both parties to engage in constructive dialogue. At this stage, they will no longer resort to defensive tactics but will be open to listening and understanding each other. For a marriage to regain its functionality, it requires mutual effort and a collaborative approach.

Best wishes for success and perseverance.

Hello,

To quote Shakespeare, "To be or not to be, that is the question." I'd like to suggest that "to divorce or not to divorce" is also a question.

"I haven't got a divorce because I don't feel financially secure enough to provide for myself, and I don't want to lower the material living standards of my children. Also, I'm like a frog in slowly boiling water, used to living this way and worried and afraid of the challenges brought about by the unknown and change."

From what you've said, it seems like you've thought about both options. If you get a divorce, you'll probably be worried and afraid of the challenges that come with the unknown.

In general, after a divorce, you won't be alone. You'll still be thinking about starting a new family, and then you'll have to navigate relationships between husband and wife, parent and child, and the extended family. This is something you can't really avoid. If you're struggling with relationships in your current marriage, it's not realistic to think you'll be able to handle them in the future.

If you feel confident about this, you might want to think about getting a divorce.

If you don't divorce, you're basically living like roommates. I was heartbroken during the first few years of marriage, and I no longer have any hope for him or us. I'm numb and heartbroken.

As they say, marriage is a practice. Even if you plan to get divorced later, your current marriage is a chance to learn and grow. In this marriage, you have to understand the relationship, figure out all aspects, and face your feelings.

If you still want to get a divorce, you can.

From what you've said, it seems like the main issue is that the relationship between your husband and you has become cold. The second issue is that your in-laws are so intolerable that they're making you hate them.

When it comes to your relationship with your in-laws, it's possible that living together when your kids were young led to a lot of conflicts. But now that your kids are older and you don't need to live together, these conflicts should be a lot less frequent or even go away.

In a family like this, the most important relationship is between the husband and wife. I've read a great book on the subject, "The Five Love Competencies" by Dr. Zhao Yongjiu.

The book says that to maintain and manage a good intimate relationship, we need to have five abilities: managing emotions, expressing emotions, empathizing, allowing, and influencing.

If you decide to give it a go, then work on these five areas within your current marriage and see if you can make things better. If it doesn't work out, then you can always get a divorce.

Hello!

You've decided not to get a divorce, but you've also basically given up on the desire to get closer to your husband and in-laws. You're not reconciled to the situation, in which you feel no sense of closeness or care.

Right?

First, understand that you have conflicting emotions. You want to give up, but you don't. This shows that you haven't completely given up. If you can, try giving it a try.

Right?

If you want to adjust your family relationships effectively, you have to be proactive. First, you have to adjust your mentality. You have to see yourself as a family member, not as someone who's standing outside the family. You have to be willing to share your good and your bad with your family.

You will know when you have changed your mind when you shift your focus from criticizing most family members to appreciating their good points.

Counteract old habits of thinking by reminding yourself regularly that you are not the judge or leader of the family, nor are you the victim. You are willing to put yourself on an equal footing with other family members. You have the ability to change your situation, and you will become a harmonious part of the family.

If you have had a falling out with family members, you need to have the strength to let go. This is not about forcing yourself to "forgive," but asking yourself: how long do I have to carry that resentment against me?

Ask yourself: can you forgive the other person's mistake forever, or is there a time limit? If so, let it go when the time is almost up.

Let go of your grievances. They are damaging your relationships. Clear your mind and let go of your psychological baggage. Do it.

You don't need to keep old resentments in your heart. Letting go of your baggage as much as possible will help you change your critical attitude and see the good points of your family members more naturally.

With a positive willingness to change your mindset, you can also adjust your relationships with family members step by step. Look within yourself and identify if you are resentful of a certain family member and taking it out on others.

Decide which family member you want to approach first, and which you'll approach later. Start by approaching one person, and then gradually approach and be more tolerant of other family members. This will make your positive willingness to integrate into the family seem real and feasible.

Take the initiative to draw closer to your family through the timing of certain things at home. Bring your family closer to you by sharing the joy of holidays, food, and specific things like shared experiences.

If you are willing, such opportunities should arise often.

You can change your relationship with anyone in your family. You don't have to take their distance to heart. You can move closer to them if you want to. If you get closer, you can become intimate.

If you really don't like someone, maintain a space and psychological distance that is out of reach for each other. You don't have to harbor resentment in your heart to increase your psychological burden.

Host,

Reading your description, I empathize with you. I can only say that life has its own challenges for everyone. Fortunately, we are aware of the current situation and are already taking steps to improve it.

For a woman, getting married and starting a new family is full of hope and longing. After nine years of marriage, the state of the marriage can be described as dead. The reason for not getting divorced is the fear of losing financial independence and the quality of life for the children. This situation is really sad. As for the reason for such a relationship, the host himself also pointed out the key point in his narrative: "There is no communication." If a couple loses communication, they are just roommates.

The direction of your relationship with your husband is key to the future. This includes your expectations, your bottom line, and the efforts that both partners are willing to make. Relationships come about through "interaction," so the focus of adjustment and improvement lies here as well. It cannot be achieved simply because of the wishes or efforts of one party.

If you take this kind of cooperation to the extreme, you can picture this: the frog prince finally arrives at the princess after overcoming thousands of dangers. At this point, the princess must bend down and kiss the frog to lift the spell on the prince, and then they can live happily ever after. Even if the frog prince is wise and valiant and there are countless obstacles, if the princess is unwilling to bend down and kiss, then the frog will remain a frog and there will be no happy life afterwards.

So, happiness is down to both spouses pulling their weight.

Before jumping to conclusions, give him a chance to speak. If a couple can sit down and talk about their expectations and position in the marriage, whether they are soul mates, career partners, partners in life, or living together but not seeing eye to eye, then they can decide on a direction and come up with a concrete response.

If the general direction is consistent, there won't be any major rifts between the husband and wife. When it comes to building relationships and forming habits, it's possible to negotiate this between the two of them, or to bring in a professional for guidance. These issues can be solved through technology. The only thing that can't be adjusted is the direction of life that motivates the husband and wife to get along with each other.

When the original poster was looking at why people get divorced, the other half of the reason was how their in-laws, especially their father-in-law, treated her. In fact, in-laws come from a good husband-and-wife relationship. If the husband-and-wife relationship has broken down, it's not really appropriate to talk about the in-laws. After all, a good husband-and-wife relationship is the foundation for a good relationship with in-laws.

In today's society, the nuclear family is the main social unit. This means that in-laws and the family are two separate units, even if they live under the same roof. As the hostess of the family, it is traditional to respect the elderly and love the young. However, there is no need to be foolishly obedient to the point of submitting to abuse. Even if there are financial constraints, it is necessary to maintain a minimum level of dignity.

On top of that, I didn't really take my father-in-law's words and actions too seriously. After all, everyone's fortune is determined by their own efforts. Insulting someone, especially a younger woman, is something a man really should avoid. It's like they say, "If a dog bites you, you shouldn't bite it back just because you're angry."

First of all, I'll give you a hug, dear. It's been a long time since you last visited, so I'll answer you.

Dear, I don't know if talking about your years of marriage here will help you, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I empathize with you about your married life. The only difference is

I don't have high expectations for married life.

When you stop expecting perfection from people or situations,

You will live a little easier.

Here are some tips.

1. Focus on yourself, love yourself, and improve yourself.

2. Once you've achieved the first point, you'll be able to support yourself in the future, even if you get divorced.

3. You said that you find your in-laws particularly disgusting and hate them very much. It is also because you expect too much from them. During the pandemic, it is really not easy for us to survive. Let's be grateful. When you feel like hating them, go for a walk.

4. You've made it clear in the article that there are too many factors at play in the future and present to have unrealistic expectations about marriage. If you think your marriage can be fixed, you can learn about it yourself.

Psychology is clear: the one who changes is the one who suffers. When we change our mindset and make ourselves healthier and more beautiful, we are better off. Even if we get divorced in the future, we will be better off, and there will be more people of the opposite sex who like us!

Hello, dear.

I can see your detailed description and I know you're hurting, feeling helpless, and stuck. Life is hard. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. I see your courage in actively seeking help. This problem you're facing is a challenge, but it's also an opportunity for growth.

You have the opportunity to grow yourself.

[It takes more than one day to freeze three feet of snow].

Falling in love is easy. Marriage is hard. It's about the daily grind, the bumps and bruises, the settling in, and the reality of life that is neither romantic nor boring.

At least most people spend most of their lives this way. Similarly, marriage also needs to be nurtured.

You will also experience small, happy moments that you may have overlooked.

Dear friends, it takes more than a day to freeze three feet of snow. I want to know what has happened to you over the years. I also want to know how you came together in the first place.

What are your family's aspirations and goals? Take a look back and find out.

[Reasons for not getting divorced]

I can see the two situations you describe where you won't get a divorce. You need to ask yourself: what does your husband think? And how does your eight-year-old child feel about his parents' marriage?

You say you don't care about him anymore, but when he gives you financial help, do you thank him?

I ask because gratitude is the source of love. The best model for the relationship between parents and children is an equilateral triangle, followed by an isosceles triangle, and then, finally, just the parents each linked to their children.

You must pass on warmth to your children.

"My dear, my marriage with your father is not ideal. My dear, it's not your fault. At the same time, your father and I will love you just as much as before, without any influence." No matter what our relationships as adults are like, I will be a wise parent. Children come from both of us equally, and showing respect for the other parent in front of the children is the best kind of love.

"You are very generous, just like your father."

It is important to set boundaries with in-laws.

They say marriage is not a matter of two people, but a union of two families. You mentioned your father-in-law, and you were right to feel angry.

Give each other a hug. We are a family, and at the same time, the family is bigger than the individual. The most important thing in a relationship is respect.

There are boundaries and an order of seniority. We must establish these.

Even if they are not, there are still things that the in-laws do well.

Go and discover it. You are wrong to say that we should be grateful that the children are being raised by the in-laws.

Raising the next generation is not their obligation! What do you think?

Distance creates beauty. At the same time, we do our part, being polite and respectful within boundaries.

"Intimacy is a matter of the individual."

The book Intimate Relationships says that true intimacy is to ask for nothing. What does it mean?

It is the independence of character and taking responsibility for one's own life! It is about self-fulfillment.

In a marriage, you can be both integrated and independent. Read it!

[Useful iceberg]

I advise you to look up the iceberg model. The iceberg is a tool commonly used in Satir family therapy.

Explore yourself and discover yourself in the iceberg model. You will feel yourself through visible patterns of behavior, and you will watch your limiting beliefs, expectations, and desires.

Make the necessary adjustments from the root.

Problems are not problems. They are resources! Walk through the darkness towards the dawn! You will succeed!

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, I can discern the discomfort you experience internally. I commend you for being aware of this discomfort and for seeking a solution. This is an indication of your willingness to initiate change.

Vaccine Uncle and my husband have been married for nine years, and our eight-year-old child has never exhibited any emotional closeness to us. When coupled with the behavior of my in-laws, this creates a particularly uncomfortable situation. Is that an accurate assessment?

I am curious to learn more about the sources of strength that support you, apart from your concerns about your ability to care for yourself after the divorce and your reluctance to allow your children's living standards to decline, as you have described. What factors contribute to your continued involvement in this family, despite your discomfort?

It is often the case that there is no definitive right or wrong. One's feelings are shaped by experiences of injustice that are not always apparent. Marriage is a subject of study, and in many instances, there is a continuity between one's marriage and one's original family. This is also the reason for one's discomfort with one's husband spending time with one's in-laws.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing internal strife and a sense of compromise. When you seek assistance, it indicates that you have recognized the discrepancy between your current circumstances and your desired state of being. This is likely due to the absence of a more optimal solution in the immediate future. Consequently, you have turned to this platform to articulate your confusion and explore avenues for achieving a more fulfilling and contented way of life. Is this an accurate interpretation?

If a miracle were to occur and all these uncomfortable feelings were to disappear, what would be the state of your life? What factors would contribute to the disappearance of these conditions?

It is not possible to provide advice based on the information available; however, the following suggestions may be of benefit in improving the situation.

First, it is recommended that you seek the assistance of a qualified counselor.

From your description, it is evident that you experience significant discomfort within this familial structure. However, numerous external factors impede your ability to make a definitive choice. In such circumstances, it is beneficial to seek the guidance of a qualified psychological counselor. These professionals can offer expertise in a range of areas, including parent-child relationships, marital dynamics, and personal growth. By consulting with a counselor who aligns with your needs, you can discuss your concerns and receive guidance on how to move forward. The counselor can assist you in processing past experiences and focusing on your desired future. Furthermore, they can facilitate the creation of a supportive, inclusive, and peaceful environment, where you can flourish and develop resilience.

Secondly, it is imperative to fortify one's personal resilience.

In your description, you indicate a dislike of this family, citing financial concerns. Specifically, you express apprehension about bearing the financial pressure and the financial level of your children, as well as anxiety about the future. These sentiments are understandable, but if you wish to effect change, it is essential first to cultivate strength and self-reliance. We can only rely on ourselves and provide ourselves with the capacity and fortitude to decline. Only through this process can you overcome this discomfort. Each of us is akin to a Mercedes-Benz automobile, yet our potential may not always be fully realized. In the context of marriage, we may become more reliant on the economic standing of our in-laws, which can give rise to a certain degree of apprehension. However, it is crucial to believe in oneself and fortify one's inner strength. Only through this process can the opportunity for change be realized.

Subsequently, it is imperative to establish a sense of boundaries.

You describe your emotional state as being negatively affected by your in-laws, who you perceive as oppressive. This has an impact on your psychological and emotional well-being. In such a situation, it is important to establish clear boundaries and to avoid allowing external influences to affect your sense of self-worth. You must be courageous and assertive in setting boundaries, rather than allowing yourself to be influenced by others' actions or to internalize their negative behaviors. It is essential to develop a resilient mindset that is not easily swayed by external factors and to establish healthy boundaries.

Ultimately, it is imperative to assert that one should be courageous, as there exists a multitude of potential life paths. It is acknowledged that the current circumstances may induce feelings of confusion and apprehension. However, it is possible to utilize the experience of marriage as an opportunity to fortify one's inner self, pursue one's interests, cultivate confidence, and ultimately, create a pathway to transformation.

Each individual possesses boundless potential. As long as one is willing to contemplate and act, the possibilities are limitless. Therefore, it is imperative not to succumb to fear.

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and learning is the treasure of the body!

From your description, I can feel your inner feelings of hardship, helplessness, discomfort, despair, pain, and a sense of being overwhelmed. But you can get through this!

I won't go into the details of your troubles with your marriage and family relationships here, but I would love to give you three pieces of advice for your consideration!

First, I suggest you try to understand yourself and accept your situation. It's a great way to start!

Doing so will make your heart feel slightly lighter, which will help you think about what to do next!

You say that you have been married for nine years, your child is eight years old, and although you and your husband live under the same roof, you have almost no communication. You no longer have hope for your marriage. The reason you have not divorced is because of financial concerns, the difficulty of getting used to a new lifestyle, and the fear and worry you feel about the unknown. Add to this the negative influence of your in-laws, and you are very confused about your current life and don't know what to do. But you can change your life! Everyone wants a happy marriage and harmonious family relationships. Your life situation is the exact opposite, so you need to try to understand yourself and comfort yourself. "See" the painful part of yourself that wants to change the status quo but doesn't know how to do it for the time being. This will give you extra mental energy to think about other things, otherwise your mind will be filled with all kinds of negative emotions. You can do this!

And the best part is, you can try to understand yourself and accept your current situation, which will make it possible to promote change in the status quo! It may sound contradictory, but this is the case because change is based on the premise of not changing.

Secondly, I highly recommend that you take a rational look at your own state of mind.

Rational thinking is a great way to understand yourself and reality better!

To accept the situation in a rational way, you just need to do two simple things:

One of the most important things to remember is that in any relationship, the person who is suffering the most will be the first to change.

You're here looking for help, which is a great first step! It shows you're ready to make a change and start feeling better.

You said that when your relationship with your husband was at its worst, it gradually became easier and more comfortable for you until you stopped caring about him at all. This shows that you changed first and stopped expecting anything from him, so his every move no longer hurts you. This state of mind is actually also suitable for your relationship with your in-laws. The reason you were irritated by your father-in-law's words is that you still have expectations of him and hope that he will change. If you treat him, including your mother-in-law, like you treat your husband, and stop caring about their every move, then their words will be difficult to hurt you. So you still need to change first, and I know you can do it!

Second, get this: the status quo can be changed because you can change!

When you put your subjective initiative into action, amazing things can happen! Not only can you dissolve your current state, including any inertia in your life and inner worries and fears, but you can also change the state of your relationship with your husband and mother-in-law. And the best part is, you'll feel better!

Third, I suggest you focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better. You can do this!

As mentioned earlier, you can absolutely change the current situation and the relationship! All you have to do is make a few simple changes.

For example, you can weigh up whether you want a divorce or not. For the reasons why you don't want a divorce, see if they are really unchangeable. When you carefully examine the reasons why you don't want a divorce, you will have a clearer understanding of the current situation, which will also let you know what to do next. If the conditions for divorce are not there yet, then you should first choose to accept the reality. In this way, the acceptance of the current situation after reflection will be different from before, because you already have a goal!

You can also make some efforts based on the reasons why you cannot get a divorce. For example, you can think about how to earn more money and save more money, so as to solve the financial pressure problem as soon as possible. Then, you can specifically look at the worries and fears after the divorce and think of ways to deal with them. This is a great opportunity to take a closer look at your own strengths, which will give you some confidence. Before you know it, you will have the courage and confidence to get a divorce!

You can also try to be "firm without hostility" when you are temporarily unable to divorce and face a toxic family relationship. That is, you reject what they say, do not agree with what they say, and are firm in your attitude, but you are not hostile. In this way, slowly your in-laws will find it difficult to hurt you, because while you are learning to set boundaries, you are also learning not to care about them and have no expectations of them. In this way, they cannot hurt you;

You can also have a great chat with your trusted family and friends and let them know what's on your mind. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to confide in someone you trust! Not only will it make you feel better, but it'll also give you a new perspective and some great ideas on how to improve the situation. So, go ahead and talk to someone!

Once you start taking action, you'll be amazed at how quickly all those negative emotions start to disappear. It's incredible how action can be the best way to beat those negative feelings!

And finally, I hope you understand that the absolute best way to hate them and take revenge on them is to live your life to the fullest!

I really hope my answer helps you! If you want to chat some more, just click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom and I'll be in touch!

Good day. I am Strawberry.

The author's expressions of vulnerability, resentment, sadness, and anger indicate that a nine-year marriage is not a lengthy period of time, yet it is not brief either. From the outset, the marriage was characterized by expectations, but currently, there is no prospect of hope. It can be argued that over the course of these years, the author has endured significant emotional distress and amassed sufficient disappointment to justify the decision to cease expectations.

Even in the absence of hope for a reconciled relationship, cohabitation remains a viable option in many families. It is understandable that some may question the rationale behind continuing to live together if there is a lack of emotional connection. It is important to recognize that there are often compelling reasons to maintain the relationship, and that separation is not always the optimal outcome.

The manner in which the situation is approached and addressed.

The questioner is aware of the current state of their relationship with their husband. After attempting to alter the circumstances without success, they have come to accept that coexisting under the same roof while pursuing separate interests represents an effective means of maintaining a peaceful coexistence.

The reason she did not choose to divorce after experiencing disappointment is that she evaluated her capabilities and recognized that she could not provide her children with the same quality of life and sense of security. It can be postulated that initially, when she observed the growing indifference in the relationship between the couple, it evoked feelings of distress and confusion. However, upon accepting the reality and engaging in constructive communication with her partner, she was able to achieve a sense of composure, which in turn facilitated her ability to identify a lifestyle that aligned with her needs in this situation.

Each individual is entitled to make their own choices. Over time, the questioner ceased to concern herself with the other party and instead focused on her own wellbeing, developing a positive self-image and striving for personal growth. Given the constraints of her circumstances, she was able to achieve a high level of self-acceptance and self-care.

It is important to distinguish between different types of relationships.

In this marriage, the questioner attributes her desire for a divorce to the negative and hostile behavior of the father-in-law towards her. The wife's position is influenced by the husband's actions, and the elders' mistreatment of the questioner can be attributed to the husband's actions.

Respect for elders is a fundamental aspect of human interaction. It is a choice that is made freely and is not contingent on the absence of conflict. The husband's avoidance of confrontation and unwillingness to address the issues at hand collectively with the elders is a decision that is at odds with the respect and consideration owed to them. In the face of disrespectful behaviour from the elders, it is not reasonable to expect the questioner to tolerate harm.

As elders, they have not learned the lessons of their own lives well, and they are even more confused about what constitutes boundaries in relationships. The questioner married their son, not their family. By blood ties, they have no blood relationship with the questioner. In terms of parenting, they have never raised the questioner. Therefore, it is unclear what gives them the right not to respect the questioner. They are confused, and the questioner can demonstrate what boundaries are.

In the event of encountering disrespectful attitudes, it is possible for the questioner to express their emotions and fundamental position in an appropriate manner. This is preferable to the alternative of tolerating and accommodating such attitudes without question, as this may result in a further increase in the level of recklessness and pushiness displayed.

It is imperative to extend kindness to oneself.

The in-laws are a significant contributing factor to the question asker's marital unhappiness, which has led to a profound negative sentiment towards her father-in-law. When we harbor negative feelings towards another individual, it often manifests as a deep-seated hatred within our hearts. This emotional state, however, does not necessarily cause the other person to experience the same level of pain or distress. Instead, it occupies a significant portion of our emotional space, affecting our ability to experience positive emotions.

Those who are consumed by hatred will inevitably lose the capacity to experience happiness. Rather than allowing hatred to take root in one's heart, it is more beneficial to disengage from it. Disengagement does not necessitate forgiveness; it merely entails ignoring the source of hatred so that it no longer has an emotional impact.

The questioner is under no obligation to justify the actions of others, and may choose to disregard them. When faced with a multitude of voices that elicit a negative response, the questioner may choose to ignore them. As these voices fail to elicit a response, it is irrelevant whether they continue with this behaviour or not.

It is often observed that the most challenging relationship to navigate is that with one's in-laws. When we strive to foster harmonious interactions with them, they often prove to be a source of disruption, exhibiting a reluctance to coexist with the questioner. This dynamic represents a personal choice and a potential life challenge, yet it is not the questioner's responsibility to bear the burden of their difficulties.

Additionally, relinquishing the hatred within one's heart represents a means of self-care. The text "The Body Knows the Answer" is recommended for the questioner. Given the current inability to alter all relationships, it is advisable to prioritize relaxation, engage in activities that align with one's comfort level, and allow circumstances to unfold organically.

It is recommended that the questioner learn, persevere in their hobbies, arrange their own pace of life, and lead a more fulfilling and rewarding life. Over time, the questioner will come to recognize that some things are not the sum total of life.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner. I wish them the best of luck.

Dear Questioner,

From your description, it can be seen that your relationship is not as affectionate as that of a normal couple. It seems that there was no love at the beginning. In the early days of marriage, you were already disillusioned with your feelings, so gradually you stopped caring about each other. This made you feel relaxed, and you couldn't leave because you couldn't financially support your children. It is evident that you are suffering and disgusted with your life in this family with your in-laws. Your feelings are understandable.

It is evident that your in-laws are becoming overly involved in your family and your husband's family, which is causing significant issues. However, if you do not have a positive relationship with your in-laws, it may be challenging for you to provide optimal care for your children. Indeed, most families experience these types of conflicts, yet due to a lack of timely resolution and an inability to effectively address them, they can have a detrimental impact on us and ultimately lead to problems.

The following is a proposed solution to the aforementioned problem:

[1] It is advisable to maintain a clear distinction between one's own family and that of one's in-laws.

In this situation, it is important to recognize that while one may request assistance from one's in-laws in childcare, this does not inherently lead to significant challenges. Each family unit is distinct, and the responsibilities of raising children are unique to each. If one is capable of raising their children independently, providing them with unconditional care and attention is arguably the optimal environment for their development.

[2] It is imperative to cultivate the ability to regulate one's emotions and to refrain from being unduly influenced by the emotions of others.

In this situation, it is imperative to recognize the distinction between self and other. Regardless of the individual in question, each bears responsibility for their own emotions, while the management and control of one's own emotions remains a personal responsibility. When in-laws express negative emotions towards an individual, it is crucial to understand that these emotions belong to them and that they are the sole bearers of responsibility for them. The individual in question bears no responsibility for the emotions of another.

[3] Avoidance of the problem will not resolve it; it will merely exacerbate the conflict. It is imperative to adhere to principles and engage in critical thinking.

In this situation, it is imperative to recognize that if we fail to proactively address and communicate about the underlying issues, they will persist and potentially escalate. This applies to the challenges we face with our spouse and in-laws. Attempting to appease or avoid these issues is not a sustainable solution. It is essential to uphold our self-respect and establish clear boundaries. We must recognize our independence and demand respect. No individual has the authority to diminish our position or treat us with disrespect, solely to release negative emotions. We must establish our own principles and boundaries and ensure that we do not allow others to violate these limits.

[4] The ability to manage any relationship is a requisite skill.

If we lack the capacity to alter the existing dynamic in an intimate relationship, it suggests that we have not developed the requisite skills to effectively manage it. As you previously observed, what factors have contributed to the evolution of your relationship? Have you ever considered the underlying causes? Is it due to a discrepancy in your values or a lack of mutual respect and trust? Have you ever reflected on these potential factors?

Ultimately, it is essential to cultivate self-respect and principles, bolster one's confidence, fortify one's resolve, and nourish one's inner strength. It is also vital to learn to set clear boundaries and enforce them, while simultaneously striving to respect oneself and thereby earn the respect of others. It is often advisable to limit one's involvement with one's original family. This is because the formation of a new marriage often necessitates assuming responsibility for one's own marriage. To improve a troubled marriage, it is crucial to examine the essence of the relationship, identify the underlying issues, and seek professional counseling. By doing so, one can develop the skills necessary to manage the challenges of the relationship more effectively.

It is my hope that the aforementioned counsel will prove beneficial. Wishing you the best.

Hello, questioner!

After reading your account, I am certain that you feel oppression, pain, helplessness, and anger.

You have persevered for so many years under such circumstances, and you should be proud of yourself!

You need to decide how to adjust or make changes to your dead marriage and toxic family relationships.

You need to decide whether you want to improve the relationship or end it.

To decide which side of the scale to ultimately stand on, we must mentally balance the scales and keep adding weight to both sides to see the final result.

The side that ends the relationship:

Your in-laws disgust you. Your father-in-law in particular makes you furious.

The side that wants to improve the relationship:

Add or subtract from the above ⚖️ sides as you see fit, as long as you feel comfortable.

You will find the answer.

If you want to end it, it's certainly easier.

If you want to improve your relationship, you must communicate. When you tried to communicate with your father-in-law, it often ended before the conversation even started.

This obviously won't solve the problem.

Your father-in-law's attitude towards you has always been vicious and disdainful. You need to understand why he treats you this way if you want to find the right remedy.

You can't change overnight. But you're not alone. There are plenty of people on this platform who can help you.

You've got this!

Hello. I am Xiang Yuchenghuan, a heart exploration coach, and I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you.

I am also a wife, a mother, and a daughter-in-law, so I understand your feelings. Like me, you also couldn't stand your mother-in-law. You dreamed of arguing with her and yelling at her. You thought it was her fault. You were wrong. The cause of any problem has to be found within oneself. In psychology, there is a projection effect. We project many of our feelings and thoughts onto other people. We think this is how they see us, but it isn't. The only one who can make adjustments is ourselves. When you adjust yourself and handle your relationship with yourself, you can handle your relationship with others.

I advise you to:

You must accept and love yourself to create inner harmony and stability.

I used to be someone who didn't accept myself enough. I had many deficiencies within me. When there is something lacking within us, we will look for it outside. At that time, I didn't approve of myself very much. I desperately needed my mother-in-law's approval. However, my mother-in-law's constant negativity and dissatisfaction with me did not make me more confident. It made me more inferior.

I tried every possible way to prove myself and meet her standards, and it was exhausting. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, she would still be dissatisfied with me. I was angry and sad, and I wondered how someone could be so demanding. She always had expectations of others and was never satisfied.

My mother-in-law never gave me stable approval, and as a result, I became even less approving of myself.

I later realized that when you don't recognize yourself internally, you will always seek external recognition. The outside world can't give you stable recognition, even if it tries. You will doubt it because you don't recognize yourself enough. You will think, "Is what he said true?" You need to seek internally. See the lack within, see your own inner desires, and learn to give yourself this support. Don't seek it externally.

When you feel that your husband doesn't care about you enough, take care of yourself. When you feel that your father-in-law doesn't like you enough, love and appreciate yourself. When you feel that your mother-in-law doesn't recognize you enough, recognize yourself. When you are internally fulfilled, you won't be so willing to give unexpectedly because you are self-sufficient.

2. Accept your husband, father-in-law, and mother-in-law. You can't change other people, but you can adjust your expectations, accept, understand, and respect them, and communicate effectively to promote the development of your relationship.

My mother-in-law and I provide a good example. At the time, I was angry, aggrieved, and furious about some of her actions. I was wrong to hope she would change.

However, if someone doesn't want to change, there is nothing we can do to change her. This is a vicious cycle. I always expect her to be satisfied with me, but she is still herself, with her same behavior patterns, the way she talks, and her beliefs. She is just the way she is. I was repeatedly disappointed, and finally one day, I suddenly understood. I always expected my mother-in-law to accept me and be satisfied with me, but what about myself?

I have always had demands on her, never accepted her, and always hoped that she would change. I have never been satisfied with her, and in fact, I have always judged her according to my own internal standards.

I let go of my expectations of her perfection: gentleness, more encouragement and support, no criticism. I fully accept her, her temperament, her way of doing things, her traditional views. Gradually, I became more and more able to face her dissatisfaction and disapproval calmly. I know this is how she is and she is measuring me against her standards. I accept her, I allow her to exist in her own way, I respect her.

Acceptance does not mean approval. It means understanding why someone is the way they are and allowing them to exist in their own way. When you accept, understand, and respect the other person, your relationship will improve. My relationship with my mother-in-law is a perfect example. It's now much more harmonious than before.

Additionally, you can use non-violent communication to communicate and interact with your family. The principle is simple: express your feelings, needs, and requests to the other person without criticism or accusation. When your attitude is non-judgmental and non-accusatory, the other person will not be defensive and will not want to explain or fight back.

When you express your true feelings and needs and tell the other person exactly what you want them to do, they will know what you really think and stop judging you based on their own assumptions. Sincere and effective communication can help us improve our relationships. Read "Nonviolent Communication" and "The Art of Communication" to learn how to communicate better with your family.

3. Learn to separate issues and make choices you are willing to make.

You have to decide whether to divorce or not. There are pros and cons, but nothing in this world is perfect. You have to make your own choices and accept the consequences. This is called "issue separation" in psychology.

You have three options: You can choose not to get divorced and continue living as you do now. You can also choose to get divorced and face the challenges and difficulties after the divorce, such as financial independence. Finally, you can choose to continue your current marriage but see the parts of yourself that need to grow. You can learn some knowledge and skills in the psychology of marriage and family, which requires you to spend energy growing and learning.

You have a choice. Make the choice you are willing to bear the consequences of. In a large family, the husband-wife relationship is the most important. All other relationships are relatively unimportant. If you want to improve your relationship with your family, start with the husband-wife relationship. Learn about intimacy management and read books about intimacy, such as "Intimacy Management" and "Happy Marriage."

You may find the above information useful. Best wishes!

After nine years of marriage and with an eight-year-old child, our marriage is facing significant challenges.

We don't communicate much, and even though we live under the same roof, we feel more like roommates than like a family. I was already heartbroken in the early years of our marriage, and I'm not sure if I can still have hope for him or for us. I'm numb and my heart is dead.

Over time, I found myself less and less concerned about his well-being, which brought me a sense of relief and ease. I chose to remain in the marriage because I felt I could not provide him with the financial security he deserved, and I was reluctant to compromise the children's material living standards.

Furthermore, I may have become somewhat accustomed to this way of life, and I am also concerned about the challenges that change may bring. If the above is 50% of the reasons leading to divorce, the other 50% is my in-laws.

I must admit that I have a strong dislike for them. At times, I have considered attempting to communicate with them, but I tend to lose motivation before I even begin because I really don't want to interact with them again. I just want to maintain a certain distance from them. It is challenging to feel their presence without being able to control it. My father-in-law tends to be quite negative, passive, and toxic. From the beginning to the present, every word that comes out of his mouth is often perceived as vicious, sarcastic, insulting, and mean.

I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his words, and sense it in his actions. He is the only person who has caused me to feel such strong negative emotions.

I often find it challenging to maintain a calm and composed demeanor when I'm with him. My mother-in-law has a different perspective on things and tends to express her opinions quite strongly. When she's not satisfied with something, she can sometimes come across as quite vocal and use language that might be considered strong.

My child has been living with his grandparents since he was very young because it is more convenient for him to go to school. I try to spend time with him every day after work and pick him up at the weekend to live with me, so that he doesn't have to spend any more time in that less than ideal environment.

Due to the frequency of my visits to my children, I am often required to spend time with them, which can be challenging. I believe I should be somewhat avoidant and pleasing, and I have been a little afraid to speak in front of authority since I was a child.

From the beginning of my relationship with my in-laws, I have not been as assertive as I would have liked. Even now, I am still a pushover, but I also feel a certain degree of contempt in my heart and am reluctant to engage with them. I am not currently focused on improving my relationship with my husband or my in-laws, as I feel there are other, more pressing issues that require my attention.

While I am waiting for the day I can escape from this suffering, I am still being affected by them. I feel that my in-laws have had a significant impact on my emotions and even my mental health, so I thought of coming here to ask for help.

I would be grateful if you could enlighten me, analyze the cause, or give advice. Even if it can just help me find the root of the problem and help me recognize what has caused me to think and behave in this way, I will be content. Thank you!

Hello @星星大海, Thanks for your reply and help.

I'm not considering a divorce because it's mostly a financial decision. I've been independent since graduating from university. I didn't rely on my family for financial support. I went abroad and have always taken care of my own expenses. I'm quite financially independent.

After getting married, my husband and I have always kept our finances completely separate. If I can say that he has supported me financially in any way, it is only that the house is his pre-marital property, which has saved me housing expenses. Our incomes are both just average, and although I have my own savings, I still feel insecure and don't feel safe enough to face the financial pressures after a divorce. I don't want to be homeless either, and it doesn't matter if I'm on my own, but having children is a real dilemma.

Then there's the idea of the "slow-boiling frog," which I mentioned before. It's the one that prefers to suffer this misery rather than endure the trouble.

You mentioned seeking psychological counseling. I actually started online counseling three months ago, and then continued offline on this side of the United States. So far, there hasn't been much change. It might take some time, or I might need to keep learning on my own. Just yesterday, my counselor asked me a question: Why is it so difficult to take this step and stand up for myself in front of my in-laws and argue with them?

I was stumped. What was the loss? It seemed like it really wasn't a big deal.

So why is it... because I don't like conflict and I'm afraid of it? Because the two previous times I argued with them it went so badly?

I just can't think of it. This is also why I'm seeking psychological help: to help me understand the reasons behind my behavior and thoughts.

I quickly shared a few thoughts in response. Thanks again to the respondent.

In the event that a marriage is untenable for reasons beyond one's control, it is advisable to either tolerate the situation or, if that is not feasible, to pursue one's own interests.

It is advisable to avoid involvement with toxic families. Should you be required to engage with them, it is important to maintain emotional distance.

The host's description lacks sufficient detail regarding her husband's character and the reasons behind the breakdown of their relationship.

It appears that the source of the conflict is the in-laws, whose words and actions have caused the hostess to feel highly displeased.

If the parents-in-law are at fault, it is possible that your husband is also a victim of their actions. This may explain why he is unable to stand up for himself and for you, which in turn may lead to feelings of disappointment in him.

1. Identify the underlying causes of your dissatisfaction in the marriage, assess the challenges and responsibilities with clarity, and develop a plan to address them.

We have been married for nine years and have an eight-year-old child. Our marriage is on the verge of dissolution.

There was a lack of communication between the two parties, which resulted in a sense of estrangement and detachment. During the initial stages of the marriage, there was a sense of despair and a lack of hope for the future. The emotional state of the individual was described as numb and detached.

Over time, I ceased to care about him at all, which made me feel much more relaxed and comfortable.

Could you please elaborate on the circumstances that led to the breakdown of your marriage in the early years?

If you have previously attempted to communicate with him, but have been unable to identify the root of the problem or establish a clear channel of communication, it is unlikely that further attempts will yield positive results.

Ineffective communication is unable to affect or alter a person's state of being.

To alter one's perception of an individual, it is essential to identify the underlying issue and consider it from various angles. Conversely, when the other party is comprehended, the likelihood of transformation increases.

The reason for not pursuing a divorce is that I do not currently have the financial resources to provide for myself and my children independently. Furthermore, I am concerned that making significant changes at this stage may result in a reduction in the material living standards to which I and my children have become accustomed. I recognise that I may be in a situation akin to that of a frog in slowly boiling water, whereby I am reluctant to embrace change and am fearful of the challenges that may arise in the future.

If the aforementioned factors account for 50% of the reasons for divorce, the remaining 50% can be attributed to my in-laws.

From this perspective, the reason for not pursuing a divorce is either financial insecurity or concern about a potential decline in the standard of living for one's children.

The primary reason for seeking a divorce is the perceived shortcomings of your husband, while the secondary reason is the influence of your in-laws.

If the husband's side of the problem can adopt a new perspective, the remaining 50% of the reasons for seeking a divorce would be eliminated.

2. It is important to recognize that the negative psychological environment of your in-laws is not a reflection of your actions and avoid self-attack.

I have a strong dislike for them, and I have considered attempting to communicate with them, but I have not yet done so because I am reluctant to interact with them further. I would prefer to avoid contact with them entirely. It is challenging to tolerate their presence without being able to control it. My father-in-law is consistently negative, passive, and toxic. From the beginning to the present, every word that comes out of his mouth is vicious, sarcastic, insulting, and mean.

I am subjected to a wide range of negative sentiments, including disdain and impatience. Of all the individuals in this situation, he is the only one who evokes a strong negative reaction in me.

When I am in his presence, I often find myself becoming irritated and my blood pressure rises. My mother-in-law is uneducated and very dominant, vulgar and domineering. She frequently expresses her dissatisfaction in a loud and aggressive manner, using profanity and swearing like a street vendor.

The father-in-law's communication style is characterized by a lack of empathy and a tendency to be sarcastic, insulting, and sharp. He displays a high level of disdain and impatience towards you.

The mother-in-law displays a domineering, vulgar, and overbearing demeanor, shouting like a street vendor whenever she is dissatisfied.

It is understandable that such a family would be challenging to interact with.

It is possible that their dislike and dissatisfaction with you is not a reflection of your personal shortcomings, but rather a consequence of the negative psychological environment in which they operate.

It is possible that you may be held responsible for actions you did not commit.

While you may recognize that the criticism is unwarranted, prolonged scolding can lead to self-doubt and self-attack. It is essential to maintain vigilance and provide consistent positive psychological support.

3. Children may be psychologically affected by exposure to a negative family atmosphere. It is therefore recommended that they receive psychological counseling without delay.

My child has been residing with his grandparents since a young age, as it is more convenient for him to attend school. I endeavor to spend time with him daily after work and collect him from the weekend to live with me, so that he does not have to endure any further exposure to that toxic environment.

Given the frequency of my interactions with the children, it is inevitable that I will have to interact with them. This is an extremely challenging and unpleasant experience.

I am unsure of the attitude my grandparents have towards my child.

If they demonstrate kindness towards the children and the children feel more loved, this may have a slightly positive effect.

However, if the individuals in question do not demonstrate an improvement in their character and temperament when interacting with others, and the child is exposed to them over an extended period, this may also have a negative impact.

If the child still requires the care of the grandparents, you can gain valuable insight into the child's psychological development while spending time with them. This allows for the provision of timely psychological counseling to the child.

It is important to be mindful of the impact of communication when speaking to children. Refrain from speaking ill of your grandparents or father in front of your children, as this may have a similar effect as speaking ill of other people in front of your grandparents.

4. Avoidant and compliant personality types may have grown up in a powerful family of origin and may unintentionally perpetuate old family patterns in their new families.

I believe I have a somewhat avoidant and compliant personality. From an early age, I have been somewhat fearful of speaking in front of authority figures. From the outset of my relationship with my in-laws, I have been reluctant to stand up for myself or speak up for myself. To date, I have remained passive, and I have developed a sense of internal disdain and unwillingness to engage with them.

I am not interested in improving my relationship with my husband or in-laws. They are the source of significant distress for me. However, while I am waiting for the opportunity to leave this situation, I am still affected by their actions.

Since childhood, I have been somewhat intimidated when speaking in front of authority figures. I have an avoidant and pleasing personality, which may lead others to believe that my parents were similarly intimidating.

If the parents were previously strong, then meeting strong in-laws again may result in the repetition of old family patterns.

As a result, you are reluctant to defend yourself in front of your parents and are similarly hesitant in front of your in-laws.

5. It is important to maintain a clear distinction between your personal feelings and those of your in-laws. Additionally, it is crucial to empathize with and provide support to your husband from the perspective of a victim.

I have identified a significant impact of my in-laws on my emotions and mental health. I am seeking guidance on how to address this issue. I would appreciate recommendations on how to identify the root cause and develop strategies to improve my emotional well-being and mental health.

I appreciate your assistance.

You perceive a significant influence of your in-laws on your emotional and mental well-being, and you seek to minimize their impact. However, you are hesitant to confront them directly, opting instead to maintain a distance.

In your limited interactions, refrain from interpreting your in-laws' attitudes as problematic. Instead, view them as expressions of pain and suffering.

This will provide a sense of relief.

While your primary objective is to address the impact of your in-laws, it is also important to note that your husband may be a victim of his original family as well. The emotions you are currently experiencing may also be a reflection of his past experiences.

His current behavior may be disappointing and upsetting because he lacks the courage to defend himself under pressure, let alone protect you, the children, and your family.

If you wish to alter the dynamic of your relationship with your husband, you may find it beneficial to view him from the perspective of a victim and offer him support to encourage him to take responsibility.

It is only when he is on your side that you will not feel isolated and powerless.

Furthermore, this approach will also benefit your children.

If you are discouraged and do not wish to improve your relationship with them, you may choose to live your own life well and attempt to minimize the impact on your children.

I hope the above responses are helpful to you.

My name is Yan Guilai, and I am a psychological counselor. I wish you the best in your endeavors.