How to cope with the feeling of oppression when parents-in-law help with child care?

Greetings,

The host's initial response was as follows:

I am Zeng Chen, a mindfulness coach. I have carefully read the post and, first and foremost, I am able to empathize with the depression and anxiety that the host is experiencing.

Furthermore, it is important to acknowledge the host's courage in openly expressing his distress and actively seeking assistance on the platform. This demonstrates a willingness to understand and recognize himself and her family, which will undoubtedly facilitate the implementation of necessary adjustments to improve the quality of life.

Subsequently, I will present my observations and thoughts in the aforementioned post, which may assist the original poster in examining the matter from a more nuanced perspective.

1. Engage in the practice of anxiety-reducing techniques.

The author of the post alluded to feelings of anxiety. Anxiety can be defined as an apprehension about the future.

Appropriate anxiety can be beneficial, but excessive anxiety can have a detrimental impact. In such circumstances, it is important to consider how to effectively manage the situation.

One may appropriately interrupt anxious emotions and engage in brief, targeted exercises to relieve anxiety. For example, one may utilize abdominal breathing.

Upon becoming aware of anxious feelings, one can redirect their attention to their breathing, adjusting it to a slower pace. To begin, take a slow, deep breath.

Inhale into the abdomen, then hold your breath for five seconds, counting to five in your mind.

Subsequently, the subject should exhale slowly through the mouth, at a rate that is twice as slow as the inhalation rate.

One may inquire as to the means of controlling this pace. The answer lies in counting.

It is often the case that a period of five minutes will suffice to relieve feelings of anxiety. It stands to reason that the more frequently this exercise is performed, the more pronounced the beneficial effects will be.

2. Cultivate the ability to test reality.

In the aforementioned post, the author articulated feelings of amplified change in their children and a tendency to ruminate on potential concerns. They expressed doubt regarding the efficacy of their own parenting approach, despite a lack of familiarity with the latest research in the field. The presence of anxiety within the domestic environment was also acknowledged. It is evident that the author is aware of the limitations of anxiety as a coping mechanism.

At this juncture, it is imperative to ascertain the veracity of one's perceptions. Upon observing a change in one's child, it is prudent to inquire whether the extent of the change is as significant as one has perceived.

One must consider whether such a minor alteration will have as significant an effect as one anticipates. It is also important to evaluate whether one has been unduly concerned.

A series of questions is provided to assist the hostess in self-examination.

It is important to ascertain whether the perceived reality aligns with the actuality or is a product of excessive anxiety. It is essential to recognize that our imagination is merely a construct of the mind and may not necessarily reflect the objective truth.

3. It is imperative to respect one's own inner feelings.

From the aforementioned post, it can be discerned that the author alludes to the male chauvinism of the father-in-law and the actions he has taken which have caused the author to feel discomfort and disrespect. At this juncture, it is imperative to respect our own inner feelings and to discern the underlying needs which give rise to our emotions.

One cannot control the actions of others, but one can control one's own actions. One can take responsibility for one's own needs and emotions. If one attempts to satisfy one's own needs and those needs are met, then one's emotions will be more positive, and one will have a different experience.

It is imperative to recognize that no individual can be expected to fulfill this responsibility on one's behalf. The onus is on the individual to ensure their own well-being. This is because, ultimately, it is only through introspection and self-awareness that one can truly understand oneself.

Furthermore, it is only when we prioritize self-care that we are able to muster the energy to provide adequate care to others.

4. It is recommended that the subject attempt to communicate with her husband regarding her emotional state.

The support of one's husband is also of great importance in the context of family relationships. Indeed, the relationship between a wife and her husband is likely to be the closest within the entire family.

From a psychological perspective, the couple relationship represents a fundamental aspect of the family system. Consequently, when individuals experience depressive or anxious symptoms, they may benefit from discussing their feelings with their spouses.

Discussing one's concerns is an effective method for fostering a deeper understanding and recognition of one's inner feelings. This, in turn, can facilitate the provision of more tailored support.

It is likely that your experience would be different if you were to be understood and supported by your husband. Furthermore, you may wish to consider exchanging views with your husband on the concept of parenting.

In some cases, it may be more beneficial for the husband to intervene than the wife, and the outcome may differ as a result.

5. Engage in an activity that elicits positive affect.

To regulate emotions, the host can also attempt to engage in an activity that elicits positive affect, thereby enhancing their emotional state. This positive affect can, in turn, serve to bolster one's emotional well-being and capacity for resilience and love.

It is my sincere hope that these words will prove to be of some assistance and inspiration to you.

My name is Huang Xiaolu.

A small family suddenly becomes a big family with the arrival of a child. The family unit expands to include both sets of parents and a child. The relationships are very complicated. While everyone is here for the new life, their internal concerns are different. As a mother, you are also concerned about your child, but you will also pay attention to your own feelings. Your own parents will of course understand and seek your advice more, but your in-laws will definitely pay more attention to their biological grandson and son. This is only natural, but not something that a new mother can be generous and understanding about. Your status has changed, and so has your life. You also need more attention and tolerance.

I found your inquiry regarding the adjustment of one's mindset to be particularly thought-provoking.

This indicates that you value and prioritize self-care. When you are content and well-being, your child will likely experience similar positive emotions, and the family unit will benefit from this positive dynamic. Therefore, it is essential to maintain a commitment to self-care, as you were a person before becoming a mother and will continue to be a person after becoming a mother.

I posit that the optimal method for modifying one's mentality is to consolidate all available resources and forces.

The relationship between the parents and the child must be adjusted by the two of them together. Both parents and the child must work hard for the child's growth. The parents cannot take on all responsibility, and the child cannot take on none. As long as the parents agree on an attitude, the parents' state of mind will improve.

Consequently, after establishing clear roles and identifying mutual support, it becomes considerably more straightforward to alter one's perspective.

1. It is recommended that you close your ears and indulge in self-care.

The elderly will engage in a certain degree of comparison, hoping that their child will grow tall and fast, be the best in the neighborhood, and rank among the best in terms of weight and height. These comparisons reflect differing mindsets, and there is no need for them to be the same. They engage in comparison of their child, and you should allow this to occur.

If you hear such comments, it is advisable to let them pass without comment. If you feel uncomfortable, it is important to express your feelings and needs. It is also important to make it clear that the child is very good and should be praised more often. It is inadvisable to say anything negative about the child in front of him, as this may have a negative impact on his self-esteem.

In addition to caring for the infant at home, it is possible to engage in preferred activities with greater frequency. One may also leave the home to pursue employment, socialize with friends, or make purchases. This can assist in providing a distraction from the demands of infant care and family responsibilities. With four elderly individuals in the household, there is also the benefit of having someone to assist with infant care. Given their status as biological offspring, they are unlikely to be entirely unsuitable for this role. It is important to maintain one's identity and recognize one's intrinsic value.

2. It is advisable to attempt to calm your parents' emotions.

It is reasonable to conclude that your parents have invested a greater amount of time in raising your children, and thus may experience a certain degree of discomfort when your in-laws make comments such as "Your child doesn't look good." It is important to recognize that your parents' expressions of discontent can be discerned, and thus it is necessary to acknowledge their efforts, communicate more frequently with them, and discuss the positive attributes of your child. This approach will likely result in a sense of personal satisfaction.

3. It would be beneficial for your husband to act as a mediator and a messenger.

It is evident that the husband is aligned with the wife's perspective and is amenable to assisting in childrearing. This is a crucial aspect. The wife has expressed reservations about communicating with her in-laws, yet her husband is more approachable. Consequently, her unease and anxiety regarding her parents-in-law's actions have a detrimental impact on her role as a mother. This can lead to reduced milk production and heightened concerns among other parties. It is therefore imperative that the husband fosters communication with his parents and disseminates a more positive outlook.

It would be beneficial to play some scientific courses on children's growth and development at home, as well as scientific parenting and scientific feeding courses. It is important to note that these should not be listened to alone; rather, they should be played on a speaker so that everyone can listen together. This approach allows for the acquisition of knowledge and ensures that the elderly understand that scientific feeding is not merely about the quantity of meat consumed.

It is recommended that the wife allow her husband to listen to her opinions on parenting matters and allow her opinions to prevail. This will demonstrate to the in-laws that the wife is respected by her husband, which will in turn lead to the in-laws respecting her.

Ultimately, cohabitation with the elderly will invariably result in friction, particularly with regard to parenting concepts. Consequently, it is essential to ascertain whether the four elderly individuals should reside together to care for the children. If they can live in separate rooms, even in the same community, it will be considerably more beneficial.

Ultimately, it is crucial to recognize that their opinions are shaped by the values and beliefs of their generation and are not a reflection of personal animosity. This is a limitation of the times and has no bearing on one's individual character.

I would like to express my gratitude to those who have read this text. Should this text have been helpful to you, I would be grateful if you could click on the "useful" button.

This is an invitation to follow the WeChat account of Yi Psychology's answer provider, Huang Xiaolu.

Dear Landlord, I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

As a daughter-in-law, I can comprehend your sentiments. I previously shared a similar perspective. When I was raising my children and interacting with my in-laws, I felt that they did not fully acknowledge my efforts, yet they themselves did not contribute significantly either. This led to considerable distress and apprehension, as I realized that if I consistently evaluated myself against their standards, it appeared that no matter what I did, it would be inadequate and there would always be something lacking.

Subsequently, I inquired as to the rationale behind their repeated requests for my assistance, given their own lack of involvement. They responded candidly, stating, "Given that he is your child, we serve a supplementary role, while you bear the primary responsibility."

Subsequently, I undertook further studies in child education and developmental psychology, which revealed that their assertions were indeed accurate. However, the question of how to navigate the potential conflicts between grandparents and parents in the context of child-rearing remains a prevalent challenge.

Indeed, there are several advantages to having grandparents assist with childcare.

The elderly possess experience in the areas of childrearing and education.

The elderly are able to dedicate a significant amount of time to caring for and spending time with their grandchildren.

The elderly possess a plethora of social and life experience, which renders them particularly adept at effectively addressing children's educational concerns.

The elderly themselves possess a childlike innocence and are highly likely to establish a rapport with their grandchildren, thereby creating an optimal emotional foundation for educating the children.

Children raised by the elderly have one less concern to occupy their attention than do young parents, allowing them to focus on their professional pursuits.

Intergenerational education has the potential to alleviate the loneliness experienced by the elderly.

The education of the elderly with knowledge and talent can have a beneficial impact on children's early education.

Nevertheless, there are also some limitations to this approach.

One shortcoming of intergenerational education is its tendency to prioritize emotion over reason. This is exemplified by the elderly's proclivity to form strong emotional bonds with their grandchildren.

The emphasis in intergenerational education is often placed on material aspects over spiritual ones.

Intergenerational education tends to prioritize activities that are relatively quiet and low-key. One example of this is the phenomenon of psychological aging in children.

It is probable that grandparents will engage in disputes with their parents regarding educational requirements, as illustrated by the aforementioned situation.

Such circumstances may result in a fracturing of the parent-child relationship.

What, then, is the appropriate course of action?

1. From the perspective of a child's psychological development, it is recommended that the primary responsibility for education be assigned to the parents.

From a psychological perspective, it is of particular importance for preschool children to establish a positive and intimate relationship with their parents. Therefore, if feasible, grandparents should consider taking the initiative to withdraw or become less prominent in the child's life, as this is a responsible decision that can contribute to the child's healthy physical and mental growth.

2. If it is indeed the case that parents lack the requisite time and energy to raise their children, then it is imperative that grandparents become involved. This necessitates frequent communication between grandparents and parents regarding the child's education, ensuring that the parents' educational concepts and intentions remain at the forefront. Concurrently, both generations must possess a comprehensive understanding of intergenerational education.

3. In the event that the grandparents of the child assume responsibility for their education, it is imperative that they be encouraged to engage in continuous learning and to update their educational concepts in a timely manner. This will ensure that they remain up-to-date and do not fall behind.

In light of the aforementioned, the following advice is offered to the host:

1. Assume primary responsibility for child rearing and utilize the counsel of others as a reference point.

Children are the progeny of their parents; grandparents and parents are merely collateral. Consequently, the advice of the latter can only be regarded as a point of reference.

It is imperative that we continuously enhance our own knowledge and skills, update our parenting concepts, and educate and raise our children in a scientific and reasonable manner. To achieve this, it is essential that we continue to grow and learn, and that we gain a deeper understanding of developmental psychology.

2. In the event of a discrepancy or disagreement pertaining to child-rearing, it is essential to engage in open communication and express one's feelings and needs.

It is not uncommon for disagreements to arise between parents-in-law and their children during the process of child-rearing. However, these conflicts can be resolved through open communication and the exchange of ideas.

For example, one might initiate a dialogue with one's father-in-law regarding one's sentiments and requirements in relation to a particular incident. One might begin by expressing one's disquiet regarding one's father-in-law's apparent lack of interest in one's professional endeavors. One might say, for instance, "Father, when you made that remark today, I experienced a sense of unease and disquiet. I require your support and understanding. I hope you can also respect my need to work. Would you kindly support me and understand me more?"

Additionally, it may be beneficial to facilitate an open dialogue in which he can express his feelings and needs. It is possible that he may have his own considerations. By engaging in comprehensive communication, it is possible to avoid misunderstandings, foster the growth of the relationship, and ensure harmony within the family unit.

3. It is essential to adopt effective strategies for managing negative emotions. Rather than suppressing or expressing them in an explosive manner, it is crucial to channel them in a constructive manner. The following methods can be employed to channel and release emotions:

It is recommended that one engage in activities that facilitate immersion in nature. This may entail observing the flora and fauna, inhaling the aromas of flowers, listening to birdsong, and taking in the vast expanse of the sky and the clouds. Such experiences have been shown to induce a sense of relaxation and contentment.

✍️Writing therapy: The act of writing down one's worries and feelings on paper has been demonstrated to be an effective form of therapy. There is no need to concern oneself with the neatness of one's handwriting or the logic of the content; simply writing whatever comes to mind is sufficient. If one wishes to maintain confidentiality, the written material can be torn up after completion.

It is imperative to identify an individual who is capable of comprehending your perspective, providing support, and motivating you to discuss your concerns and difficulties. It is crucial to avoid engaging with individuals who invalidate your experiences, resort to aggressive behavior, or level accusations. Only those who foster a sense of comfort and understanding are worthy of your attention.

It is recommended that you engage in your preferred sport, rather than one you find less enjoyable. Participation in a sport you enjoy will not only provide physical exercise but also contribute to a sense of well-being.

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The aforementioned suggestions are intended as a reference point. It is hoped that they will be of assistance, and that the reader will experience a positive outcome.

It is recommended that women engage in their preferred athletic activity. Participation in an activity that is not preferred will only exacerbate stress levels. Engaging in a preferred athletic activity will simultaneously provide physical and mental benefits.