How to deal with suspicion and anxiety due to previous romantic experiences?

Good day.

As with previous experiences, these issues have left a legacy in your heart. Currently, you are in a relationship with your boyfriend, but your subconscious is also affected by past experiences, including the betrayal of your mother and the loss of a romantic interest in college. These experiences have affected your self-confidence and caused you distress. These issues are not limited to your current relationship but extend to other relationships in your life. They have a significant impact on your current situation and affect your ability to trust and love.

You may feel that you lack self-confidence, are afraid of being betrayed, of being abandoned, and doubt your ability to love.

If they are not present, then the situation is abnormal.

The current state of mind manifests as suspicion and anxiety about overall well-being, accompanied by numerous symptoms. At first glance, it may appear to be detrimental to the relationship. However, these are merely symptoms of the current stage, and they have their own existence, value, and meaning.

It is akin to unresolved issues that have not been addressed, unresolved conflicts that have not been resolved, and unhealed wounds. Our bodies and minds are intelligent and self-regulating, and have a certain ability to integrate themselves. Therefore, when an appropriate opportunity arises, such as when re-establishing an intimate relationship with your boyfriend, these issues will present themselves.

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I understand your distress. First, I'll give you a warm hug.

Let me be clear about the problem you are facing:

In junior high, my parents were in a rough patch, money was tight, and my dad was cheating. In college, I liked a guy, but he was already with someone else, which really knocked my confidence and made me feel betrayed.

I believe these two experiences, combined with my inherent sensitivity, have shaped my character. When I'm with my current boyfriend, I often feel suspicious, anxious, and doubt the relationship. I question my boyfriend's intentions and doubt my worth. I'm fearful of being betrayed.

I need to know what I should do.

Let me be clear:

1. When the questioner was a child, his parents were not getting along, their finances were not doing well, and his father was cheating. These reflect the influence of the questioner's family environment, which has led to his low self-esteem, sensitivity, lack of security, and some fear and anxiety about love.

2. In college, the people who liked each other had girlfriends, and I felt betrayed. Under the influence of the previous primary environment, coupled with this incident, the mind will have some hints, making the questioner feel fearful and uneasy about relationships, or unable to see the happiness and sweetness of love.

3. Now that I'm dating my boyfriend, I'm paranoid, anxious, and perhaps also have a strong desire for control. I need to constantly seek reassurance from others that they approve of me. The questioner is affected by the first two points, and inherently lacks a sense of security. Being paranoid is just a way to seek their own sense of security, have others define their own value, and not be able to see their own value.

The following analysis and solutions are provided:

(1) Take control of your emotions, accept yourself, your parents, and your imperfect family environment unconditionally. Tell yourself that you are worthy of love.

(2) Remember to love yourself and don't ever belittle yourself again.

(3) Throw away all the burdens of the past and start over. Go talk to your boyfriend and tell him what you're thinking.

(4) Stop wasting your energy on meaningless thoughts and stop overthinking.

(5) Distract yourself. Go on a trip with your boyfriend, do something together, and do more things together. Doubt will fade away.

(6) Find things to enrich yourself. Learn to grow flowers, read books, and work out.

(7) Forget the past. Don't doubt the beauty of love. What you've missed and lost are all experiences. They are just telling you that someone better is waiting for you ahead. And you are worth it.

I am certain my answer will be helpful to you. I am confident you will soon walk out of the dark clouds and welcome the sun of love. The world loves you. ♥

Hello, question asker! I'm Qingqing, your friendly whale social worker!

From your description, I can understand your helplessness and confusion, and I can also feel your desire to change the current situation. I'm excited to share my analysis in the hope it will answer your questions!

(1) I'm really sorry to hear about the two tough experiences the original poster has had. Let's dive in and look at them one by one. When it comes to the parents' discord and the father's infidelity, it's a great reminder that before getting married, it's so important to have a good understanding of the relationship and family background. This helps us avoid any potential economic problems or personality differences that might cause the marriage to fail.

(2) Second, regarding the previous episode, "feeling a blow to self-confidence and feeling betrayed," on the one hand, we must realize that everyone is constantly interacting with others every day, and people's feelings may not correspond one-to-one. So perhaps each of you has a different definition of the relationship, which is great because it means you can each define it in your own way. On the other hand, perhaps you are soulmates, but before you can confirm the relationship, another girl jumped the gun and was the first to express her love and be together, which means you have the chance to show her how much you love her!

This also shows that the guy isn't determined enough, and we're just like mine clearance, eliminating the less than perfect, aren't we?

(3) For every relationship, we must be sincere at the beginning and face each other with sincerity and frankness. Perhaps we will be afraid and worried, but this can be transformed into vigilance and a normal attitude. This is necessary – we cannot hang on to one tree, no matter how the outside world changes – but we can show enough respect and love to warm up the relationship as soon as we get together! This is the right attitude to have towards relationships.

Wishing you the very best! (Yi Xinli Whale Social Worker)