How to embrace oneself and why would there be 10% of people who don't conform to the norm?

Good morning, host. I hope my answer will be of some assistance to you.

After reading the host's description, I believe the host is still very fortunate. Only 10% of people will cause you frustration, indicating that under your standards, only these 10% of people do not meet the criteria, while the others can be said to be on the same frequency as you. However, not everyone is as fortunate, and we may encounter more people whose values do not align with ours. This was the case with me in the past. I would use my own standards to expect others, and I would consistently experience frustration because many people did not meet my standards. Eventually, I realized that it is challenging for others to change, and the only thing we can change is our own thoughts and mindset.

Could you kindly elaborate on the story of the "three-season man" as referenced in the Analects?

One morning, Confucius's disciple Zi Gong was cleaning the courtyard when a middle-aged man dressed in green, with gray hair at the temples, and looking very old, approached him and politely inquired, "Excuse me, are you Confucius?"

Zigong smiled and shook his head. "I am your teacher's disciple, Duanmu Zigong. My teacher is out of the office. May I inquire as to the purpose of your visit?"

The middle-aged man regarded Zi Gong for a moment, appearing somewhat disconcerted. After a brief interval, he inquired tentatively, "I have been told that Master Kong is highly knowledgeable and well-versed in both ancient and modern times. His disciples are also said to be erudite. Might I ask you a question about time?"

Zi Gong leaned forward slightly and said, "Please proceed."

The middle-aged man was delighted and promptly inquired, "How many seasons are there in a year?"

Zi Gong was taken aback and reflected, "Is this really a straightforward inquiry?"

However, his demeanor remained unchanged, and he responded with a smile, "Naturally, there are the four seasons: spring, summer, autumn, and winter."

However, the middle-aged man offered a differing perspective and stated, "I believe there should only be three seasons: spring, summer, and autumn."

Zigong corrected him somewhat unhappily, stating, "There are four seasons: spring, summer, autumn, and winter."

The middle-aged man was unwavering in his conviction: "Three seasons!"

Zigong was somewhat displeased and spoke up, stating, "There are four seasons."

The middle-aged man remained unyielding and, without exhibiting any signs of capitulation, he reiterated, "Three seasons, three seasons, three seasons!"

The two parties continued to debate the issue until late in the day, with no resolution in sight.

At this juncture, Confucius returned and inquired as to the nature of the disagreement. Zi Gong proceeded to elucidate the circumstances and then posed the question in a tone that reflected his exasperation.

"Sir, may I inquire as to whether you believe there are four seasons or three?"

After hearing this, Confucius did not immediately respond. Instead, he observed the middle-aged man for a period of time before stating, "There are indeed only three seasons in a year: spring, summer, and autumn."

Upon hearing this, the middle-aged man laughed heartily and said, "I was simply stating that there are only three seasons. Nevertheless, Confucius was a highly esteemed scholar."

After making this observation, they conclude the discussion and take their leave.

After the middle-aged man left, Zi Gong was very dissatisfied and expressed his frustration to Confucius, "Teacher, there are four seasons in a year: spring, summer, autumn, and winter. You have previously taught me this. However, you have now reduced the number of seasons to three. Could you please clarify how many seasons there are in a year?"

Confucius looked at Zi Gong and replied, "Of course there are four seasons."

Zigong was taken aback by this revelation. He scratched his head in bewilderment and inquired, "Then what did you just say about there being only three seasons in a year?"

Confucius let out a long sigh and said with a smile, "This is different from just now. The man just now was dressed in green and had an old face, clearly a grasshopper in the fields. Grasshoppers are born in the spring and die in the autumn, so they only experience the three seasons of spring, summer, and autumn in their lives. They have never seen winter, and the concept of winter is completely foreign to their way of thinking. If you argue with him, it will be pointless even if you do it for three days and nights."

"It would be more beneficial to concede to his demands and provide him with an opportunity to reconsider, thus promptly resolving the issue at hand."

Zi Gong nodded in agreement. After listening to Confucius's explanation, he understood that the middle-aged man was a "three-season person" himself.

This is the story of the "three-season people."

It is possible that the 10% of people you are referring to are the "three-season people" in real life. They tend to be short-sighted, narrow-minded, and stubborn. They enjoy engaging in debates and are reluctant to concede until they have reached a point of view that aligns with their opponent.

Such individuals are, in fact, "stubborn spirits." Confucius's response to encountering such individuals is as follows: 1. Refraining from argument is an act of compassion and an indication of wisdom; 2. Refraining from listening is an act of purity and an indication of freedom; 3. Forgiving is an act of liberation, and contentment is an act of letting go.

Please allow me to clarify my understanding.

For a period of time, I experienced frustration when assisting my child with his homework. I would become upset when I observed that he had written poorly or made an error. I later recognized that my anger was not directed at my child, but rather at my expectations for him, which were beyond his current capabilities. I was applying a higher standard for judgment and became upset when he was unable to meet that standard.

Afterwards, I adjusted my expectations, accepted that my child is at his current level, and then provided him with patient guidance in his learning, setting goals that were aligned with his learning level. Over time, I noticed that I no longer became angry about his performance, but rather focused on understanding his current level, how I could provide guidance, and where I should place him in the learning spectrum, rather than measuring him against my ideal standard.

As a result, my child has developed a keen interest in learning, and I am now able to assist him with his homework without becoming angry.

However, I also find myself becoming irritated by other factors, such as when my mother-in-law is overly critical. Previously, I assumed this was her issue because she consistently applied her standards to judge me. However, I recently recognized that it was actually my own issue because I was constantly using my standards to judge her. Specifically, I expected her to be a non-critical mother-in-law and to accept me unconditionally.

However, it is challenging for her to do so, as she is an independent individual who will not alter her behavior simply to meet my expectations.

I adjusted my expectations and accepted her for who she is. As a result, I was able to interact with her in a more peaceful manner.

It can be reasonably concluded that what truly incites anger is not external parties or circumstances, but rather the application of one's own standards in demanding certain outcomes. When these standards are not met, it is natural to experience negative emotions.

In essence, this is the underlying cause of our emotional responses. We are essentially demanding these responses based on our own standards.

However, each of us is an independent individual. Our respective genetic conditions, growth experiences, educational backgrounds, and living environments all contribute to our unique personalities. It is challenging to influence another person if they are not open to change.

As stated in "A Change of Heart," there are three key areas of focus: one's own affairs, the affairs of others, and the affairs of heaven. Individuals often experience distress due to a lack of control over their own affairs, coupled with excessive concern about the affairs of others and the affairs of heaven.

The actions and thoughts of other individuals are outside of our control. Attempting to control these factors will only result in negative consequences. Instead, it is more productive to focus on what we can control, such as expressing concern and adjusting expectations.

When you accept that they are just the way they are and stop using your own standards to demand that they change, you will no longer feel angry at their actions and thoughts.

It would be beneficial to accept them, accept that they are just the way they are, and understand the reasons why they are the way they are. This will prevent us from judging them by our own standards or forcing them to become consistent with our expectations. Over time, they will no longer trigger your emotions.

I hope the above is helpful. Best regards,

Statistically, a difference of one percent or five percent is noteworthy, while a difference of ten percent may be considered more common. This suggests that, in any given group of ten individuals, there may be one person who does not conform to social norms.

Such individuals may not respond in an objective manner to one's actions, nor will they persuade or shower one with words of love. If one wishes to accept oneself, it is imperative to learn to filter out unnecessary negative information in life.

It is possible that the information provided by these individuals is not entirely accurate and that they engage in a certain degree of exaggeration. However, regardless of how unconventional they may be or how extreme their emotions, their attacks on others, their immorality, or their inhumanity, their statements remain within the bounds of acceptability.

These individuals remain ordinary people. It is not feasible for us to rapidly alter their discomfort or prompt them to improve their conduct. However, we can regulate our own mental state and consider whether other individuals' statements are erroneous.

If there is anything to be learned, it is possible to listen to both sides and allow oneself to be influenced by both. After all, there is always something to be gained from others, and it is important to identify the positive aspects of a situation, even if the other person engages in other immoral behaviors. It is still possible to maintain one's own attitude.

In the event that one experiences anger or discomfort as a result of interactions with such individuals, it is advisable to create a distance between oneself and the source of distress. This can facilitate a more objective assessment of the situation. Additionally, it may be beneficial to seek guidance from a mental health professional, such as a heart exploration coach or a psychological listener, to gain insight into one's emotional state. It is also important to recognize whether one is susceptible to external influences and to address any underlying issues that may contribute to such tendencies.

Please clarify the question.