How to forgive oneself after infidelity?

Hello!

Host:

After reading the post, I could feel the poster's self-blame and remorse in the content. At the same time, I was so impressed by the poster's courage in facing themselves and seeking help on the platform! I'm sure this will help the poster to better understand and understand themselves, and thus adjust themselves.

And now for something really exciting! I'm going to share my observations and thoughts in the post, which I really hope will help the poster to have a richer perspective on himself.

1. Deal with emotions before dealing with things

Guess what? From the post, we can feel the guilt and self-blame of the poster. And what is guilt and self-blame?

We are attacking ourselves. But guess what? We can stop! Self-attack consumes a lot of our energy, so how will we have the energy to think about what we can do for ourselves?

So, what we might need to do is to deal with our emotions first. If possible, we can go on a trip by ourselves, give ourselves time and space to think, and temporarily avoid facing our partners. This is a great way to avoid confronting them, which can sometimes make us feel guilty and self-blame.

Absolute calmness is not necessary at this time. As long as we can calm down as much as possible, our rationality will appear, allowing us to think rationally. On the other hand, we can learn some small methods of managing emotions, so that we are not carried away by our emotions.

For example, when we become aware of our self-attack, we have the power to learn to say "stop" and tell ourselves that we are now aware of it and that the most important thing to think about is what to do next. After becoming aware of our emotions, we can also use abdominal breathing to relax our bodies and prevent ourselves from being carried away by our emotions.

2. Think about what feelings or benefits infidelity brings you!

Have you ever wondered why people cheat? It's often because our needs aren't being met in the marriage, so we look elsewhere to find what we're looking for. And the best way to discover what those needs are is to think about cheating!

If you find that you need to, you can also look at your marriage and why such needs cannot be met within the marriage. If these needs can be met within the marriage, then you've got the answer right there! There's no need to seek them outside.

You can also think about whether there are some problems in your marriage. And you know what? I bet it's because we're avoiding some of the problems in the marriage that this is happening!

This is the most important thing we should think about and explore right now. Use this time to reassess your marriage and find out why—it'll be worth it!

Go and see if cheating satisfies these needs. And don't forget, your former partner also satisfied you in many ways!

3. Know what you want and understand that you can't have everything—but you can have something better!

This is a challenging but exciting time! The host can make the most of this period without getting overwhelmed. Give yourself the space and time to grow and flourish.

This is your time! It's time to focus on yourself.

Once you've identified your needs and pinpointed the issues in your marriage, it's time to get creative! You can start by making a list of everything you can change, and then focus on the things you can't.

Knowing what you want and your core needs is key! And accepting that your partner can't always meet your needs is a big step in the right direction.

Because the other half is also a person, an ordinary person just like you and me! You are also a person, an ordinary person just like you and me!

You and your partner are both perfectly imperfect!

As adults, it's so important to understand what we want and to accept that we can't have everything.

4. Find support!

This is probably the time when the host needs support the most. In the face of all these complicated situations, the host may also look for his or her own support system. If possible, you can also find a professional marriage counselor and go for a consultation—it'll be the best decision you ever make!

I really hope this helps you to better understand yourself and your marriage!

It's totally normal to seek counseling when problems arise in marriage. And let me tell you, actors Zhang Jin and Cai Shaofen are absolutely head over heels for each other!

I really hope these will be of some help and inspiration to the original poster!

I really hope these will be helpful and inspiring for the original poster! My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a psychological coach at One Mind.

Good day, question asker.

From what I can gather from reading your account, it seems that you may have allowed your momentary impulse to lead you to experience a great deal of guilt, which in turn made it difficult for you to face your partner and your own heart.

It seems that you still care a great deal about your partner and that your ego is relatively strong. While it is natural to experience regret and guilt after such an act, it may be more beneficial to reflect on the underlying reasons for your infidelity at this particular moment.

In reflecting on my own experience of infidelity, I would encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

I would be grateful to understand more about the reasons, motives and triggers for my infidelity.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the reasons and excuses I gave myself at the time.

Could you please tell me what the opportunities and conditions for my infidelity were?

I would be grateful to understand what happened between my partner and me before the infidelity.

I wonder if I might ask myself what it is that I hope for in this relationship.

I would like to understand my own needs in this relationship and also those of my partner.

In light of the responses provided, it might be helpful to consider the following:

How might I prevent myself from repeating the same mistakes the next time I find myself in a similar situation? I would like to avoid betraying myself and my partner again.

It would be helpful to take some time to think carefully and list out the countermeasures in detail, rather than just saying things like "never again" or "never again."

It is often the case that infidelity occurs because of deeper problems in the relationship. Marriage is a dance for two, and it is important to recognise that both partners may have their reasons for infidelity. It is not helpful to blame oneself blindly. Any problems in a relationship are likely to be the result of factors affecting both partners.

I believe there are a number of reasons.

As the saying goes, it is often best to let the one who started the conflict be the one to end it. If you want to save a relationship that has been unfaithful, it may be helpful to think about the problems that led to the infidelity and address them.

If it is due to a lack of communication between the couple, it might be helpful to consider spending more time together to re-establish the bond.

If your husband is unable to resist external temptations for a while, you might consider being more tolerant. It's important to remember that men still truly love you and your marriage, and his infidelity is just a way to seek temporary pleasure.

In my opinion, the best way to resolve the conflict within yourself is to...

I believe the best way forward is to seek professional help.

While asking friends and family for help may provide emotional comfort, it's important to consider that their involvement in mediation may lead to biases that could be difficult to navigate. This can make it challenging to find a solution that satisfies both parties in the relationship, and it can often result in further conflicts and disputes.

It might be helpful to consider seeking the support of a professional counselor who specializes in marriage counseling at this time. It can also be beneficial to take some time to reflect on and understand your true inner desires more deeply.

I wish you the best.

Hello, question asker! When I saw your question, I knew right away that you should be a person with a strong sense of morality.

I totally get it! I can also understand the remorse, self-blame, and disgust you feel when you realize you have done something wrong.

You are so disappointed in yourself and have been punishing yourself in this way.

You may even feel like you don't know how to go on living.

I'm so excited to share with you the following three pieces of advice!

1. Open the door to forgiving yourself!

Just imagine, in the course of growing up, each of us has made some mistakes, big or small, such as lying to our parents, not finishing our homework on time, breaking something precious that belongs to our family, etc.

At the time, we all felt remorseful and guilty, not knowing what to do. But we learned and grew from those experiences!

You may also say that these are all trivial matters, and what I am experiencing now is a matter of principle that will affect my family!

When we made a mistake as children, we were also worried that our parents would stop loving us, that our teachers would dislike us, and so on. These were also huge issues for us at the time! But we got through it, and we learned and grew from it. And that's what matters!

Guess what! All the mistakes we have made are divided into two groups: those that are hard to forgive and those that are easy to forgive.

But they have happened to us after all, and we can learn from them!

Forgiveness from others may make us feel better, but the best kind of forgiveness is the one we give ourselves!

So, how can you forgive yourself for your mistakes?

First, let's dive in and re-examine what we've experienced!

For example, why did you cheat at the time? What were you experiencing?

Maybe you'll say, "What's the point? It'll make me hate myself even more!"

To review your choice at that time is to let yourself see your inner world—and it's a great thing to do!

It's a chance to understand why you made the choice you did, given the circumstances!

This is a great way to see that you had limitations at the time.

Even if you chose to cheat for a moment of pleasure, it was just a choice you made in your situation at the time. And you know what? That's okay!

Although you forgot what you had, at the time, you probably just wanted to have more!

This isn't an excuse for what you did wrong, but it is a way to open the door to forgiving yourself!

We are human, and that means we get to make mistakes in life—big or small!

Absolutely! We need to learn from these mistakes and let them make our lives better!

Even though what you did goes against public morality, how you view your mistakes can affect your life in a positive way!

2. Look at our past experiences with a positive attitude!

I bet you're wondering: how can infidelity be viewed in a positive light?

I absolutely believe there are two sides to everything, and infidelity is no exception!

I'd love to hear about any changes you noticed before and after you cheated!

I see that you cherish your family more and want to make up for your mistakes by giving more, which is so wonderful!

You are making amends, and your life is changing for the better!

I truly believe that this is the incredible transformation that your mistake of cheating has brought about!

And there's so much making up for lost time in this change!

And now for the best part: the next step is to change from within ourselves!

3. Transform indebtedness into love!

The first step to doing this is to understand and accept yourself!

Embrace your past self and all the mistakes you've made along the way!

Embrace yourself, warts and all!

Embrace your imperfections, learn from your mistakes, and celebrate your unique limitations!

It takes courage, and it's so worth it!

Once you understand this, I think you'll be blown away by how much you'll love yourself and your family!

No matter what your family says or does, you will accept them completely!

Because you know that being allowed and being accepted is a kind of love that everyone longs for! And you know it too!

And guess what? You already have this love!

It's time to start your journey of self-love!

It will allow you to solve all the difficulties in your life with understanding, acceptance, and love!

I really hope you can escape your predicament soon! All the best to you!

March 9, 2022