How to handle the discovery that my boyfriend is chatting flirtatiously with other girls?

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a state of inner confusion and entanglement. However, you have also demonstrated a notable degree of awareness and courage in seeking support and expressing your feelings. This is a commendable approach.

You described feeling discomfort when you discovered your boyfriend's ambiguous relationship with someone else while you were studying on his tablet. You inquired about it, and he stated that it belonged to his friend. However, you remain unable to forgive him, which causes you significant internal conflict. Is that an accurate representation of your situation?

After reviewing your account, I believe I understand your feelings and confusion. I have positive regard for your boyfriend, and I recognize the possibility that there has been a misunderstanding. However, it seems that this sentiment is difficult to overcome. Is that an accurate assessment?

It is, in fact, perfectly normal to feel this way. Any girl would likely experience discomfort in this situation. However, it is important to avoid becoming overly invested in one's emotions.

All problems are potential resources. We are experts in counseling problems. Based on your description of your feelings, I have some suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you.

Firstly, it is important to be aware of and clarify the emotions and needs that are behind our uncomfortable feelings. This will help us to establish an interest in building a relationship that can better help us.

Secondly, it is recommended that the individual in question attempt to express their feelings without emotion, communicate more with their partner about their true thoughts, tell their partner their thoughts, and tell their partner their inner needs. This approach allows for a collaborative effort to identify a solution that aligns with the individual's needs.

Ultimately, should you remain unable to move past this, it would be advisable to seek the counsel of a qualified mental health professional or to educate yourself about psychological principles in order to facilitate your own healing.

Hello, I'm Gu Daoxi, also known as Fengshou Skinny Donkey, a Heart Detective coach.

As a woman, it is only natural to feel unhappy when your boyfriend sends ambiguous messages to other people. I can fully understand how you feel, so please allow me to offer you my support in any way I can.

I'm curious about the length of the questioner and her boyfriend's relationship. Has he ever behaved inappropriately towards other girls he knows?

It's not possible to hide how one gets along with others. It might be helpful for the questioner to consider how this person interacts with others in their daily lives.

It might be helpful to know whether the questioner knows the boyfriend's friend and if you have found out anything about him.

If you believe that 90% of the issue could be attributed to a misunderstanding, you might consider implementing a small consequence to prevent a larger problem from developing. This could be an opportunity to express your feelings and discuss reasonable boundaries with him, so that he will be more mindful of them in the future.

It's important to remember that judging without teaching is an abuse of power. We all have shortcomings, especially in close relationships. It might be helpful to draw a clear boundary between you and the other person, let them know your bottom line, and try to find a way to resolve the issue.

It may be worth considering that what someone does is often more important than what they say. Some people like to take on heroic roles, but they don't always have bad intentions. My husband is like that.

Ultimately, the decision to trust your boyfriend is yours to make. After all, the relationship is your own, and you have the freedom to manage your own happiness. Only you can decide if the shoes fit. While it's not necessary to pay excessive attention to the other person's feelings, it's important to consider your own intentions.

It might be helpful to take a little time to calm down and collect your thoughts. This could give you and your boyfriend a chance to step back from the emotional influence and communicate more rationally about this matter, which might help the relationship to enter a new balance.

It might be helpful to focus on the most important thing in the moment, which could be studying for exams. If you do well, you might have more choices in the future, which could be a good time to think about things with your boyfriend. Colleagues could also help your boyfriend understand the attitude of the question owner and consider the impact of this matter.

You might find it helpful to read "If I Knew Before Marriage" and "A Change of Heart."

I wish you the best of luck!

Hi, I'm Strawberry.

If we're not careful, we can get so caught up in the details that we lose sight of the bigger picture. It's not always about letting go of bad behavior, but about actively creating and protecting boundaries.

It looks like the issue hasn't been fully resolved.

The questioner borrowed her boyfriend's tablet to study for an exam and came across a message from an app she didn't like. She thought it was from someone else, maybe a guy she likes.

The questioner thought back to all the lovely moments she and her boyfriend shared every day and how he often showed his love for her. She took a photo of the message and confronted her boyfriend about it when they met.

The boyfriend explained that he'd seen it and one of his friends was interested, so he asked him to send a message. After hearing this, the questioner knew there was a 90% chance of a misunderstanding, but she still couldn't let it go and felt uncomfortable about the incident.

From what happened, we can see that there are some issues.

The questioner trusts her boyfriend, but she's not sure why she can't let it go. First of all, we all know that current platforms collect data and recommend similar content based on our preferences.

Secondly, the questioner's boyfriend said that his friend told him to post it. If his friend is interested, can the questioner's boyfriend send the link or contact information to his friend and let his friend contact him? Instead of using his own account to cause trouble, I think that when the other person replies to the message, they'll probably first check out the questioner's boyfriend's platform account and only reply if they think they're a good match.

Finally, we looked at the situation based on the limited information we had. The other person's nickname is xx脱单, and the reply message is "I'm the same age as you and in the same area, do you want to give it a try?" Men and women can both take the initiative in pursuing a relationship, but relationships aren't a game. If someone can reply to a message like this without knowing each other, does the questioner think the other person is treating the relationship like a game? Or is there something else going on here?

If the boyfriend's friends are interested in someone like this, could it affect the boyfriend in some intangible way?

Even if the questioner's boyfriend only helped out because he thought it was a trivial matter, when it comes to matters of the heart, he should take the initiative to maintain a sense of boundaries and prevent misunderstandings. Is it not a bit rash or inconsiderate to help out without knowing what your friend is thinking or without thinking things through?

Should I trust him again?

It takes a lot of work to build trust, and it can be destroyed by something as simple as a careless action. Relationships are fragile, and they need to be nurtured and protected by both parties.

This is a chance to make a statement. If the questioner feels like they're being pursued too much, it'll affect their mood and the relationship with their boyfriend. From what we know, they haven't really contacted each other yet, and this has given the questioner a chance to make a statement.

Even if the questioner's boyfriend has some thoughts, he'll stop them right away and tell his boyfriend what he wants from the relationship. Since he's chosen to be with you, he should stick to the right distance and know how to act around other women.

She can also give him a bit of a talking to when he acts inappropriately and think more about everything, not just this matter but also in other matters in general, to help him become a more mature and prudent person.

☀️ Practical action: Building trust takes time, and after trust has been broken, it takes a lot more to gain it again. It's not just about giving an explanation or an apology.

It's understandable that the questioner's boyfriend wants to smooth things over to keep the relationship intact. However, nothing beats tangible actions for building trust. The questioner can show they're willing to give their boyfriend a chance, but what they really want is to see him take concrete steps to prove he's committed to the relationship. They'll also be watching to see how he handles things in practice.

Let's give it some time: There's nothing to base any assumptions on yet. Even a little speculation can affect the relationship, making it impossible to continue trusting your partner and placing your hopes in the relationship. It's also possible that misunderstandings will cause you to lose your true love.

Give each other time, and time will tell. After talking with her boyfriend, the question asker also made it clear what she wants. If he loves her, he'll show it. In this situation, the question asker also learned some ways to maintain a close relationship. With mutual trust, partners also need to communicate and exchange more.

People don't stay the same. We change with everything around us. Keeping the lines of communication open is key to keeping relationships stable. By talking regularly, we can understand each other better and know what we need from each other. When we notice changes, even small ones, we can address them quickly and keep the relationship strong.

I hope my answer is helpful to the questioner. Best regards.

Hello! I'm Coach Yu, and I'm thrilled to discuss this topic with you.

Emotional perception is our amazing ability to recognize, control, and regulate our emotions. It's also a fantastic manifestation of emotional intelligence!

In "The Plastic Me," Chen Jiejun writes: Many people are unable to deal with things or emotions because they confuse feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

Now, let's dive into the fascinating world of feelings! They are the amazing physiological and biological responses of our incredible human bodies to external stimuli.

For example, if someone stabs you with a needle, you feel pain; if the north wind blows in winter, you feel cold. And guess what? Feelings not only include responses to stimuli in the environment, but also responses to internal stimuli!

As the questioner wrote, I found my boyfriend chatting ambiguously with other girls, and I felt so embarrassed. But then, something amazing happened! I went to ask him, and he was totally cool about it.

Now, let's dive into the fascinating world of emotions! Emotions are the incredible reactions people have to feelings.

For example, the surrounding environment was very hot, which made the palms of your hands sweat and your heartbeat accelerate. Emotions are the feelings of excitement and enthusiasm that you feel when your body is really alive and your heartbeat is racing! Emotions and feelings generally respond through the peripheral nervous system of the nervous system.

As the questioner wrote, at the time, my mind was a total blank. Then, after taking the picture, I went to ask him!

Thoughts are the amazing things we do with our minds! They help us understand and interpret our feelings and emotions.

The great thing about understanding and interpretation is that they involve the central nervous system, rather than the peripheral nervous system, which is really cool!

As the original poster wrote, I know there is a 90% chance that this is a misunderstanding, but I can't forgive him. So, should I trust him again?

Next, we get to re-analyze the situation to see if we can understand our feelings, emotions, and thoughts, and then manage and express our emotions, which helps us to know and understand ourselves.

Oh my goodness! What are our feelings and thoughts when we find the comments that my boyfriend has written to girls on a small red book on his tablet? How could he say such ambiguous things?

In fact, we can ask ourselves: Is my boyfriend's personality more outgoing? Does he like to tell similar jokes to his friends?

Now, let's think about what we felt and thought when my boyfriend explained the situation to me. It was a bit uncomfortable, but it was also an opportunity for growth and understanding!

In fact, we can ask ourselves: What is the ideal boyfriend like? What is the ideal relationship like?

I'm excited to figure out my boundaries! What can I do?

What were our feelings and thoughts when my boyfriend kept apologizing these past few days? I felt so disgusted that I was excited to move on and forgive him!

In fact, we can ask ourselves what our needs are that we feel offended by and that we cannot forgive. And then, we can start to work on ourselves to make sure we are meeting those needs in a way that is satisfying for us!

This is why feelings, emotions, and thoughts are actually the coordination between the nervous system and the brain. When everything is working together perfectly, you feel calm inside.

We can have a heart-to-heart conversation with our boyfriend because we know, understand, and love each other. We can express our thoughts and concerns honestly, and we can establish a beautiful and lasting intimate relationship. We can honestly express our dissatisfaction with our boyfriend's blurred boundaries with the opposite sex, and we can hope that he can make some promises and take action.

At the same time, listen to your boyfriend's thoughts and some of his expectations of you. Good communication is a great way to release our pent-up emotions and help us understand each other better, which will enhance our intimacy!

Absolutely! We can also seek help because if this thing is bothering you, it is not easy to overcome it immediately. Find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor because emotions must have an outlet to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

And we must also empower ourselves! Any change begins with ourselves. We should cultivate our own interests and hobbies, enrich our inner knowledge, and establish our own evaluation system. When your core is strong and stable, the people around you will naturally be intimate with you!

I highly recommend reading "Intimacy, Achieving Soulmates"!

Good day.

From what you've shared, I can appreciate your perspective.

First of all, you wrote in your description: "I borrowed my boyfriend's tablet, and one day a message suddenly popped up. I looked at the avatar, and xx got single. Curiosity made me click on that message. When I clicked on it, I saw that my boyfriend had commented on a girl's post, 'I'm the same age as you and in the same area, do you want to give it a try?'"

"In this context, you mentioned "getting off the single," which is similar to a dating app. These kinds of apps often have an automatic reply function built in, which can sometimes lead to confusion. While the people who are registered are real, in reality many of them are bots that break the rules by using some ambiguous words to get guys to communicate with them. And the communication process is charged, so this cannot be called ambiguous behavior. On the other hand, if the other person doesn't like you, they won't give you their tablet to use. From this it can be seen that these are not signs of ambiguity.

Naturally, the objective is to make friends through these platforms.

Secondly, you wrote in your description that before this incident, you and your boyfriend would call each other every day to say goodnight, and he expressed his feelings for you. At that time, you were experiencing some confusion, so you took a photo and asked him about it.

However, he said it wasn't him. It was because he was hanging out with friends that day and accidentally swiped what his friend told him to post. He went home and forgot to delete it, and then he kept explaining and apologizing to me for the past few days.

"From the description, it seems that you and your boyfriend are both quite young. While traditional views may consider this kind of behavior to be early love and may not necessarily endorse it, it's important to recognize that this is now an era of rapid development. So-called early love has already become a prevalent phenomenon, with many people online discussing their memories and expressing regret for not experiencing it in middle school or high school.

I agree that first love is beautiful and a very pure feeling at that stage. However, it is also a desire in itself, which is something we should not forget.

In a relationship, it is natural for two people to feel lonely at times. They may feel that they cannot control the distance between them or that they want to be together all the time. It is understandable that, when there is a distance, they may look for substitutes.

Furthermore, he stated that his behavior was not indicative of who he truly is. Regardless of the veracity of this assertion, it is crucial to have faith in his sincerity at this juncture. If he did indeed engage in infidelity, it is likely that evidence will emerge, which will then necessitate a decision.

In your description, you wrote, "I know that there is a 90% chance that this is a misunderstanding, but I can't forgive him. Should I trust him again? But I feel so uncomfortable." It seems that you have already formed a judgment in this matter, but because this is your first love and a very pure emotion, you are seeking a reason to convince yourself. At this time, you might benefit from a case of role reversal to comfort your current feelings.

Let's consider a scenario where you receive a book with an ambiguous letter inside. At this moment, your boyfriend comes over and accidentally flips through the book, seeing the letter and its contents. He might believe that you have betrayed him. It's likely that no explanation you give will fully satisfy him. Your inner feelings might be his reality. How do you hope he will respond?

It might be helpful to consider the following advice:

1. Given your current circumstances, it would be advisable to prioritize your studies and exams. While emotions are an integral part of life, they can be managed. From a certain perspective, it would be unfortunate to miss your exams.

2. With regard to emotions, given that you indicated in your description that you have a greater than 90% likelihood of believing him, it would be advisable to do so in order to avoid any potential regret in the future.

3. Should the other party prove to be untrustworthy, you may wish to consider the option of ending the relationship without regret.

Please note that the above is for reference only.

It is not uncommon to experience a range of emotions when confronted with evidence of your boyfriend's flirtation with another woman. These emotions may include hurt, anger, confusion, and distrust. When addressing this situation, it may be helpful to consider the following steps:

1. Take some time to compose yourself before making any decisions. It is often unwise to make emotional decisions.

2. Communicate: Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Express your feelings and inform him that you have discovered the message and how it has affected you.

Listen carefully to his explanation and observe his reactions and attitude.

3. Assess the explanation. Despite the 90% probability that the issue was a misunderstanding, you still have reservations. Evaluate the rationale provided to ascertain its plausibility and alignment with past conduct and the level of trust in the relationship.

4. Set boundaries: Clearly define the limits of acceptable behavior. Communicate your expectations regarding this behavior and any changes you require.

5. Observe behavior: Observe whether he offers a sincere apology and demonstrates a willingness to change his behavior in the future. It is important to note that actions often convey more than words.

6. Rebuilding Trust: If you decide to trust him again, it will require effort from both parties. This may take time and patience.

7. Self-Reflection: Consider your expectations for the relationship and your future together. If you determine that forgiveness is not an option, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship.

8. **Seek support**: Engage in a discussion with colleagues or family members regarding your feelings and listen to their opinions. At times, an external perspective can assist in identifying different aspects of an issue.

9. If you are unable to resolve the issue independently, we advise you to seek the assistance of a professional counselor.

It is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that you have the right to a healthy and respectful relationship. Whatever decision you make, ensure that it is made out of respect and care for yourself.