How to overcome social anxiety and tension when misunderstood and accused?

Hello, question asker. I see you're confused. Hugs!

There's a lot of negativity in the family. Mom and dad blame and misunderstand family members when things happen to them. This may affect you.

Now that you're older, you face conflicts in relationships.

You may revert to your childhood self.

Remember when you were weak and helpless, unable to deal with your parents' conflict.

You're a grown-up now. You're different from the child you once were.

You are taller, stronger, and more powerful.

You can now face interpersonal conflicts.

If you can, talk to your parents. Their arguments are affecting you.

If you need help, see a counselor.

The counselor can give you better advice.

I hope you can solve your problem soon.

Now I just think of the above.

I hope my answer helps and inspires you. I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

Best wishes, Yixinli!

!

I extend to you a warm embrace from a distance.

I am gratified to observe that you have sought assistance, and it is my hope that my contribution will prove beneficial and supportive. I also wish to commend you for your keen awareness of the trauma inflicted upon you by the constant recourse to blame by your parents in your original family, and for your decision to seek assistance here.

If, during childhood, one became aware of an inclination towards conflict in current relationships, coupled with a concomitant concern about being blamed, rejected, or disliked when such conflict arose, and if this resulted in the development of pronounced anxiety, panic, and unease, one may attempt to accommodate this aspect of one's nervous and restless emotions in the moment. Additionally, one may endeavor to discern the underlying needs that give rise to these emotions. Should the aforementioned emotions prove to intensify one's distress, one may endeavor to more clearly perceive them by engaging in deep breathing exercises, sorting through one's emotions, exploring the needs that underpin them, and thus seeking appropriate avenues for responding to and fulfilling these needs. For instance, one might instruct oneself that it is acceptable to experience nervousness, anxiety, and restlessness in the moment, given that one desires acceptance, affirmation, respect, and understanding, and is fearful of rejection, disdain, and harsh criticism.

If others are unable to treat us in the manner we expect, does this imply that we are not worthy or that we are inherently flawed? This is a fallacy. A person's relationship with others is largely a reflection of their relationship with themselves.

The dislike, dissatisfaction, and harsh criticism of others in interpersonal relationships is not a result of one's own actions, but rather an unconscious projection of the other person's own inner feelings of unacceptance onto the individual. When there is a lack of self-acceptance and self-confidence, and the individual is unaware of this, they will identify with the projection of others.

It is evident that as a child, it was not possible for you to protect yourself when you observed your parents engaged in critical and quarrelsome marital conflict. The only recourse available to you was to suppress and hide your extremely aggrieved, scared, and fearful emotional feelings at that moment. Furthermore, you attributed the way your parents got along with each other in this way to your own lack of goodness. What are your thoughts on this matter?

One may attempt to compose a written missive to one's former parents, wherein they may express the harm caused by the parents' mutual accusations and conflicts, as well as the feelings of extreme fear and anxiety experienced at the time. Additionally, the author may convey their longing for their parents to take action so that they may feel respected, understood, and loved. This method provides a secure avenue for expressing and releasing the emotions caused by one's parents' mutual accusations during one's upbringing. Furthermore, it may assist in better processing and understanding the emotional experiences associated with this period of one's life.

It is this author's recommendation that the reader peruse the text entitled "Dialogue with the Fear Within."

I am Lily, the informal interviewer of the Q&A Museum. The world and I extend our love to you.

Hello there, question asker!

I'm Si Menger, and I'd love to give you an example. Let's say your colleague Xiao Ming put an apple on his desk, and it was secretly eaten by your colleague Xiao Li. But you happen to be sitting closest to Xiao Ming. At this time, Xiao Ming asks you, "Did you eat my apple?"

What would you say in this situation? If you're not sure who ate the apple, you can just say you don't know. If you know it was Li, you can also say you don't know, or you can say it was Li.

The story is simple and there doesn't seem to be any tension, but it may be different for you. When he asks you if you stole the apple, you may not be thinking about how to answer his question, but rather why he is asking if you didn't eat it. It seems like I ate it!

It's amazing how different interpretations of the same sentence can lead to such different mental states!

In the example, the explanation is: Xiao Ming is just asking who ate his apple, is it you?

And your explanation for this might be, "Oh, Xiao Ming must've misunderstood me! I didn't eat it, silly thing!"

And there's always the chance that Xiao Ming knew that Xiao Li ate it and was just joking with you!

There might be another explanation, too! Maybe Xiao Ming doesn't care who ate it. Maybe he was just asking casually, and he still has lots of apples in his bag.

...

From this, we can see that it doesn't matter what someone else says, what matters is how you interpret what they say. Let me give you another example from when I was a child: Your mother asks you, "You saw Zhang's face was all blue and purple, did you and Zhang fight?"

You might think that your mom misunderstood you and that it was actually Zhang and Yang who fought.

Let's try another explanation, my friend. I think your mom is just curious. She knows you don't fight with just anyone, so she's just asking.

There are other possible explanations, sweetie. I'm sure your mum is just worried that you might have been hurt because she saw you playing with Zhang not long ago.

There could be other possible explanations, too. Maybe your mom thinks you had a little tiff with Zhang, but she doesn't want to blame you. She just wants to understand what happened and how to solve the problem.

...

So the other person you mentioned may have accused you of something without cause, but in fact you already have an explanation in your mind. This explanation is the one that misunderstands you, and then you go looking for evidence that you are misunderstood. Just as Xiao Ming asks if you ate my apple?

It's just a question, and it doesn't mean you ate it. If he asked ten people the same thing, do you still think he's misunderstanding you, or is he misunderstanding ten people? Neither, it's just a question.

Even if Xiao Ming says directly, "You ate his apple," that doesn't necessarily mean you did. His words aren't the word of God, so they don't necessarily mean what they say.

You can just say that you didn't eat it, and we'll be on our way.

Take a deep breath and think about it again. These situations are pretty unlikely to happen, so there's really no need to worry. Even if they do happen occasionally, it's just a matter of clarifying the facts, so there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Dear Sir/Madam, I empathize with your situation. Prolonged exposure to an environment conducive to worrying about accusations and misunderstandings in social situations is a common phenomenon. However, there is no need for concern. We can collaborate to address this issue effectively. Best regards, [Name]

Firstly, it is important to understand that any negative behaviour displayed by your parents is their own issue and not something you should take responsibility for. It is also crucial to ensure that their negative energy does not affect your own self-perception.

In social situations, it is important to remember that not everyone will have the same experiences as your parents. It is beneficial to spend time with people who understand and support you, as their positive feedback will help to boost your confidence.

When these concerns arise, take a moment to collect your thoughts and remind yourself of your strengths and value. You may also find it helpful to identify ways to manage stress, such as exercising, keeping a journal, or discussing your concerns with colleagues.

With time, you will find that you have become more tolerant and can better cope with these emotions. Have confidence in your abilities to overcome these difficulties.

In such circumstances, the following methods may assist in overcoming this mentality and fostering greater tolerance:

1. Cognitive restructuring

1. Identify cognitive biases: recognize that your concerns about being misunderstood and accused in social interactions are based on overgeneralizations and unreasonable expectations stemming from experiences in the family environment. These concerns may not necessarily align with reality.

2. Challenge negative thinking: When you have the thought that you are worried about being misunderstood and accused, stop and ask yourself, "Is this a realistic concern?" and "What evidence supports my concern?" and attempt to refute these negative thoughts with more rational and objective evidence, such as "In past social experiences, most of the time others have been understanding and supportive of me, and groundless accusations and misunderstandings are rare."

2. Emotional regulation

1. Deep breathing and relaxation exercises: When worrying thoughts arise, practice deep breathing. Inhale deeply (counting to 5 in your head) and exhale slowly (counting to 7 in your head). Repeat a few times. You can also practice progressive muscle relaxation, in which you tense and then relax each muscle group in turn, from head to toe, to help your body and mind unwind.

2. Expression and release of emotions: It is beneficial to express and release your inner emotions and stress by keeping a diary, confiding in a trusted colleague, or participating in creative activities (such as painting, writing, or music composition) to release negative emotions.

3. Self-acceptance

1. Accept your emotions and concerns. It is important to recognize that these feelings are normal and that many individuals may experience similar emotions when confronted with comparable situations. Avoid self-blame or the urge to immediately suppress these emotions.

2. Focus on your own strengths and achievements. Dedicate time each day to reflect on your personal strengths, past accomplishments, and current capabilities. This practice can enhance your positive self-perception and bolster your sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

4. Enhancing Social Skills

1. Develop positive communication skills. This entails clearly expressing your own views and needs, listening carefully to the other person's opinions and feelings, and giving positive feedback. This will improve your communication skills and ability to cope in social situations, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.

2. Practice responding to social scenarios that may lead to misunderstandings and accusations. This can be done in a group setting or individually. By repeating this practice, you can improve your ability to handle challenging social situations.

5. Form a robust social support system.

1. Expand your social circle: Consider joining interest groups, volunteering, or social gatherings to make new connections and expand your social circle. This can help you to be in a more positive and healthy social environment.

2. Form strong, supportive relationships. Build connections with individuals who understand, support, and trust you. When challenges arise, these relationships can provide invaluable emotional support and guidance, fostering a sense of understanding and acceptance.

VI. Professional Assistance

If your psychological issues are significantly impacting your daily life and social functioning, it may be beneficial to seek guidance from a professional counselor or therapist. Various psychological treatments, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal psychotherapy, and family therapy, can assist in addressing these challenges.

We hope you find the above suggestions helpful.