I always fail to understand things at work or when making friends. Is there something wrong with me?

Good day, question asker. I am the answerer, Enoch.

From the questioner's description, it appears that the questioner is experiencing difficulties at work due to a lack of understanding of his leader's expectations. This has resulted in work that does not meet the desired standards. Additionally, the questioner recalls instances from his school days when he was unable to listen effectively to his teacher and empathize with his classmates, which caused distress to those around him. The questioner is uncertain as to the cause of these difficulties and is unsure of how to address them.

In general psychology, people's psychological states are divided into four main aspects: knowledge, emotion, intention, and behavior. The question primarily concerns the aspect of intention, which encompasses personal will, willpower, attention, awareness, and personality development.

Subsequently, the questioner must direct their attention toward discerning the emotional states of others and listening attentively to their verbal and non-verbal expressions, with the aim of gaining a deeper comprehension of their intentions and needs. This enables the questioner to respond in a constructive and positive manner.

In contrast to merely adopting a subjective perspective and addressing issues in a manner that is personally satisfactory, this approach can only engender a sense of personal satisfaction. However, it is an inadequate means of meeting the expectations of others and can readily result in the deterioration of interpersonal relationships, as well as the inability to achieve the desired outcomes in a given task.

It is hoped that the questioner will become more empathetic in their interpersonal communication and cooperation. They should endeavour to understand the emotions and feelings of others, while also focusing their attention on the requirements and standards of others for the work. In particular, they should strive to accurately understand the tasks assigned by their leaders. If they do not understand, they should ask their leaders again and confirm with them until they fully comprehend what is meant. This will minimise the risk of mistakes and facilitate the achievement of task goals and the establishment of a positive working relationship with their leaders.

Dear you,

Don't be in a hurry to doubt and deny yourself. Let's take a look together and see what other possibilities we can find!

1. You said that when you handed in your homework to your teachers when you were young, many times the teachers would give you feedback that was, shall we say, a little intense.

"How many times have I told you?" the teacher asks, their eyes alight with excitement.

"Don't you get it?" the teacher is impatient, she points at you, and makes you think you're stupid.

"Making the same mistake again?" She makes you think you're stupid and says you always do!

And guess what? You'll even find out that the teacher has used violence against you directly!

2. This operation has planted a seed in your mind: the teacher said it, and now you get to prove them wrong!

3. And then, you'll find yourself self-verifying the discovery of the prophecy in everything you do: "You see, I really am so stupid. Everyone said so: colleagues, friends, and leaders."

My dear, have you noticed? The teacher's behavior deeply hurt you, and it's time to heal that trauma!

Now, let's imagine what would happen if the situation were reversed!

1+: I see that you have a different take on this. I'd love to hear your line of thinking and how you came to this conclusion!

2+: If you explain to the teacher your thinking behind the answer, even if there is a deviation, a difference from the textbook, then it is only a deviation from the right direction. But don't worry! When you explain it again, with a little reminder from the teacher, you will get back on track and find the right way yourself.

The past does not represent the present, so let's look at how to face the real problem now that you have seen the past experience!

1. Absolutely! When you accept a task, the person conveying the information will definitely share some information with you. It's so important to have your own understanding and feedback on this information.

2. Now for the fun part! Tell the other person your feedback and see if your understanding is consistent with what the other person wants. Confirm that it is consistent before you start to implement and operate.

3. I'm sure you'll find that the result is pretty good! Give it a try!

I'm Yanningning, and I'm here to help!

Hello! You were frustrated at work because you didn't understand your leader's intentions, which brought back memories of your experiences dealing with teachers when you were a child.

You feel like you can't always understand other people very well, and you're quite frustrated about it. I understand how you feel, and I can help.

You need to sort out the problem you are facing.

The frustration at work is making you associate it with the criticism you received from your teacher when you were young, and the comments your friends made about your interpersonal skills. It seems that suddenly there is disparagement and criticism everywhere in your life. You are like someone caught in a thick fog, and I understand your confusion and frustration at this moment.

To get out of this fog, you need to see the direction clearly and sort out the problems you are facing.

You said your supervisor rejected your work three times, which made you feel scared. Is this the norm at work, or does it happen by chance?

Tell me, does this only happen to you, or do other subordinates also encounter it?

Your leader said you didn't understand her, but you did complete the task after the third time. After you completed the task, you thought back to the beginning and realized that you didn't understand. It wasn't because she didn't express herself clearly, it was because you didn't understand.

If it's because of your lack of ability or seriousness,

Before we can move forward, we need to address these issues. Labeling yourself as having a low IQ or being stupid is unfair and unproductive.

Overcoming internal obstacles is key.

You told me that when you were a child and handed in your homework, your teacher threw your homework on the ground and scolded you. This kind of attitude from a teacher is extremely damaging to a student's self-esteem. You must have been scared and ashamed at the time.

Your teacher's treatment of you left a lasting impression, making you afraid of authority and "handing in your work." You're terrified of doing things, fearing criticism, and tremble when handing in your work.

The teacher's attitude was judgmental and suppressive. They pronounced judgment without giving you the opportunity to learn, think, and correct your mistakes. This is equivalent to telling you that you just aren't capable and that you just can't do things well.

I'm going to play a game with you. Look at the room for 10 seconds and remember the black things in it. Then close your eyes and tell me what red things you can see in the room.

The majority of people who play this game are unable to think of anything red after closing their eyes because they are only thinking about black when they are observing.

In fact, when you observe, everything is red. However, because you are thinking black, you see black. This is the game called "What You See Is What You Get."

As a student, you instinctively obeyed authority out of fear, believing in the authority's judgment of you and carrying this judgment with you all the time. This burden prevented you from believing in yourself as you grew up.

When the leader assigns you a task, your attention is likely to be on anything but the task at hand. You may even be worrying about what kind of punishment you will receive if you don't do it well. This is a sure sign that you are not fully focused on listening and thinking.

Build your self-confidence.

Microbehavioral psychology is clear: people perceive external things based on a desire for subjective exploration. When you focus on something, you ignore behaviors that aren't related to your focus. You amplify what you focus on.

You need to stop carrying around the judgment your teacher gave you at school. You're collecting incidents in life related to the phrase "can't you understand or what?" to convince yourself that the judgment is correct. You need to adjust your mindset and rebuild your confidence in yourself to get rid of this judgment.

Your strengths and advantages are clear to you. You value your work and your leaders' opinions, and you have a strong sense of responsibility. You have friends who can speak their minds, and you are friendly. You often reflect on your own shortcomings and are self-aware. When you look at yourself in this way, you know you are not bad.

Start by doing one small thing well. Believe in yourself. You can do things well. Start with one thing. Even the most insignificant task, do it well. This builds confidence. Learn from it. Do the next one well.

Ask for help to solve problems. You have been trapped in a self-denying circle for too long, and you need to get out sooner. This process will go more smoothly if you can enlist the help of others.

For example, at work, communicate with your leader a few more times and confirm their intentions before starting work on each task. This will help you get twice the result with half the effort. In life, spend more time with friends and develop more understanding and rapport over time.

Seek help from a professional psychological counselor for your inner fears. Work with a professional teacher to gain self-awareness and self-understanding, allowing you to grow faster.

I am Teng Ying, a listening therapist at YI Psychology. This will help you.